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TypeWannabe
September 11th, 2011, 10:17 PM
I'mma gonna put all my crack snippets in this thread, because my head is busting with them, and because Blaz/stay night and INSURMOUNTABLE have both hit obstacles. See, for those two, I actually went ahead and did several chapters ahead in response to a few choices I'll have you guys vote on. But I've run into writer's block, so those can't go any further. Here's this.


~0~

Table of Contents













1. Kiritsugu Fun Times with Shirou
2. Heartless (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1019-Typing-with-TypeWannabe?p=334873&viewfull=1#post334873)
3. Arching with Archer (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1019-Typing-with-TypeWannabe?p=369980&viewfull=1#post369980)
4. Casting with Caster (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1019-Typing-with-TypeWannabe?p=371154&viewfull=1#post371154)
5. Riding with Rider (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1019-Typing-with-TypeWannabe?p=371434&viewfull=1#post371434)
6. Lancing with Lancer (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1019-Typing-with-TypeWannabe?p=411789&viewfull=1#post411789)
7. Issei's Secret
8. Shinji Matou and the Chamber of Secrets.
9. Reforged (Archer x Saber centric)
10. This Is Our Land (Issei/Fuyuki centric)
11. For A Shining World (???)
12. Lean On Me (Sakura x Shirou centric)
13. For Someone Else's Glory (EMIYA centric)
14. Follow Our Brothers in Arms (Shirou/Archer/Lancer/Berserker/Saber centric)












"To love another person is to see the face of God."












Tale #1: Kiritsugu Fun Times With Shirou
One night, when Shirou was thiiiiiiiiis widdle, Kiritsugu came in to find he was having a bad dweam. So, Kiritsugu sat Shirou on his lap and read him a book.

"Once upon a time, there was a man. After some time passed, there wasn't anymore. The End."

"But dad, what happened to the man?" young Shirou questioned.

"He died," Kiritsugu said flatly, "like everybody eventually will. Now, go to bed."

Shirou never had a bad dream again. Because he didn't want to hear any more of Kiritsugu's bed time stories. But that book stayed on his mind. It was a big tome, far too big for Shirou to carry by his little self, and yet that was the only story in there? But Shirou was scared to open that book and look for himself. That book frightened him.

So one day, Shirou asked Kiritsugu a question.

"Dad, was that the only story in that book?"

"Yep."

"But that doesn't make sense! That book is huge, how could it only have one story?" Shirou was naive.

Kiritsugu sighed, and went and fetched the book. He stretched out his arm, offering it to Shirou.

Shirou hesitated, and eventually shook his head, "No, forget it dad. It doesn't matter."

Kiritsugu nodded, and put it back, and it was never mentioned again. In time, Shirou forgot all about the book, and what it might hold. In time, the world forgot about it too. The book holds his life's story. It holds all the stories that ever will be and ever were. Inside the book is the universe.

HappyCube
September 11th, 2011, 10:21 PM
Damnit, can't stop laughing at that story! Poor man ;_;

mist2123
September 11th, 2011, 10:28 PM
Shirougrimoirebane ? is that you?

Alulim
September 11th, 2011, 11:23 PM
This interests me. That book is worth fearing.

Sherrinford
September 12th, 2011, 08:04 AM
The fuck, Type?

That was a good snippet. I don't know what to say, really.


It holds all the stories that ever will be and ever were.

The same does this snippet. Fucking saved.

TypeWannabe
September 13th, 2011, 09:09 PM
Tale #2: Heartless


~0~

In the night, I hear them talk.

Sakura’s head hurt. Her heart ached. Her body burned with shame and the anguish of any human who has realized that they’ve been played for a fool.

Coldest story ever told

“It’ll be alright Shirou, Sakura will never find out,” her sister’s voice came through the thin paper walls. All the lights were turned off; the moon was hidden by the clouds. It perfect night, a picturesque darkness.

“Tohsaka-“her senpai’s voice came through, as innocent and naïve as always.

“Shh,” Rin’s soft and seductive voice whispered through the air as though it came from wind carrying poison.

‘Don’t listen senpai, don’t!’ Sakura pleaded with him in her mind. She wanted to barge in, she wanted to yell and scream and accuse, but she still had faith. She still had a small amount of respect left for her upper-classmate. He had confessed to her, she had heard him say that he loved her. ‘Please don’t do it, please, please, please…’

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul

Sakura heard then, in the silence, in the blackness of the night and the soul, the quiet sound of a kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. It was a kiss. She heard sheets rustle, she heard the creak of the floor boards (senpai always said he should get those replaced, she remembered). There came through the paper an appreciative moan, quite feminine. Sakura felt like screaming. Yet all she could do was stand there, hands clasped tightly (like a vice, she felt later the pain of asphyxiation) behind her. She had her eyes closed; she didn’t need to see ahead. There was nothing to see anyway, the darkness was everywhere.

Sakua realized she was praying, though not even she knew to whom. ‘Please, just let him throw her off, don’t let her take this too’, she pleaded. There was no answer, not a single word or sign or action in the night. Why had she come here, why did she have to hear this, she wondered. Oh yes, that’s right. Today, she had brought over a basket of kitchen ingredients because Shirou had said he was out of them. Her grandfather would be displeased, she vaguely noted in the back of her mind, he specifically said not to spend unnecessary cash this month. Something about the renters of certain property being late on their payment, Sakura never paid much attention to grandfather’s affairs.

For some reason she had let her hair down, she had tucked her ribbon (the ribbon her own sister had given her, before…everything) away into the basket. It was night before she realized that it was missing, which was absurd even to herself. How could she have forgotten something so important, was this entire thing destiny just deciding to mess with her?

To a woman so heartless

There came another moan through the paper (why was it so thin, why did every sound have to amplified in the stillness?), more charged with lust and passion than before. No mere kiss this time. The sound was still feminine, it was still that. Damn. Tohsaka. Sakura clenched her mouth, and ground her teeth together until she thought they would break through each other and go through the roof of her mouth and her jaw. She dared open her eyes, inadvertently letting out a few tears. Her eyes could see, at least a short ways, in the dark. There was a small sliver in the wall, where the door was normally closed. It was a crack, just wide enough to likely let one peering eye through. She needed to see, she needed to know.

Quietly (how could that word pertain to her in this state?), Sakura knelt and laid trembling fingers on the ground. Her heart beat so fast, and so painfully. Each beat felt like a hammer smashing her body to pieces. ‘Grandfather won’t like me being out so late,’ again Sakura’s thoughts turned towards that shriveled old monster. It was easy to see why. Tonight was another ‘special’ night, the night where he would force her to go down to the basement. She had never been late before, she had never dared to run away before. But for this man, for this (slimy, dirty, despicable, hateful, caring, nurturing, warm, loving, deceitful, cheating, honest) person, the only one she could force her isolated heart to love, she had dared to come back. No, it wasn’t even for that. It was for the ribbon. It was strange, Sakura would later reflect, that she would risk punishment for such a tiny piece of cloth. Truly, fate had it in for her.

But now was not the future, now it was just her, with the fear of what she would see through that crack in the door. There came a rush of inhaled air, a gasp of…pain? Of pleasure, more like, Sakura thought. No, no, I can’t think like that, she tried to quell the dark thoughts that rose without provocation. There must be some reason, there needed to be. Shirou wouldn’t do something like that, he couldn’t, he promised. She remembered with crystal clarity just two days ago, his arms encircling her body, his lips touching hers. That someone like him, someone so good could love a pitiful creature like her…

‘Ah, but he didn’t mean it, not now,’ a nasty voice piped up in her mind. She never knew where this thought came from; it would always enter into her head occasionally, spreading corruption and decay throughout her mind and soul. ‘Think on it, why would Tohsaka be here at this time of night? A girl and a guy alone, tee hee, what else do you think they could be doing?’

It had felt good, that declaration of love, that romantic kiss under the fading sunlight. No, it had felt incredible. Her heart had been bursting that day, full of joy and love, and not a single speck of darkness within it, not a single ounce of resentment. Because he, Emiya Shirou, had told her, Matou Sakura, that he loved her. Not any other girl, not some athletic pro like Ayako, not a perfect woman like Rin, not any of the other girls that he doubtless would have found more attractive. It had been her. That thought gave her enough courage to finally put her right eye to the crack in the door.

And Sakura’s heart broke, into a thousand white little butterflies that gently floated away in the abyss.

Sherrinford
September 13th, 2011, 09:26 PM
...

... I think this has become one of my favorite threads.

Saved again.

SeiKeo
September 13th, 2011, 09:28 PM
....whoa.

Alulim
September 13th, 2011, 10:26 PM
...This...this is...wow.


I cannot find words to adequately describe how this makes me feel.

Spinach
September 13th, 2011, 10:26 PM
Dude.

ItsaRandomUsername
September 13th, 2011, 10:34 PM
Glad I finally found this.

Altima of the Gates
September 13th, 2011, 11:03 PM
*stepples fingers* Interesting. It was an intense read, I must say.

VelspertheCat
September 13th, 2011, 11:44 PM
So much for trying to make everyone happy, Shirou.

Neir
September 13th, 2011, 11:53 PM
This works.

lethum
September 14th, 2011, 12:59 AM
So much for trying to make everyone happy, Shirou.Clearly, this Shirou has been contracted by New Hell to free the escaped spirits from the hearts of maidens, and Rin was his first Target.

New Hell vs AM...somehow, not very balanced.

VelspertheCat
September 14th, 2011, 01:04 AM
This only works if Ilya gets a broom of mass destruction.

daniel_gudman
September 14th, 2011, 02:48 AM
Clearly, this Shirou has been contracted by New Hell to free the escaped spirits from the hearts of maidens, and Rin was his first Target.

New Hell vs AM...somehow, not very balanced.

His buddy (Caren) appears before Shirou and explains that as long as he jumps the BAR, even if he's a moron, he can capture the girls and force out the evil spirits! Eventually, they'll find the one with the biggest, evilest spirit of all, and save the world. Ah, but don't forget which route you're working on, because you only have four days before the reset when everyone forgets.

But in the end, Shirou will discover that what he was looking for was inside himself all along!

VelspertheCat
September 14th, 2011, 03:00 AM
Spoiler: It's a sword.

Mike1984
September 14th, 2011, 09:49 AM
Damn you, Type....

TypeWannabe
September 14th, 2011, 02:17 PM
Hey, what'd I do? It can hardly be said that it's my fault my tastes tend toward the tragic and sad.

Mike1984
September 14th, 2011, 02:18 PM
I think "what you did" should be pretty damn obvious, really....

Sherrinford
September 14th, 2011, 02:37 PM
Hey, what'd I do?

You wrote something really good.

Keep writing like this.

daniel_gudman
September 14th, 2011, 02:38 PM
I think "what you did" should be pretty damn obvious, really....

Every time somebody hurts Sakura's feelings, and you complain, I always say to myself,

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

But then I can't decide whether it should be Mike-kun, Mikkun, Mike-chan, Michan, or what. I don't want to abandon that hard-k sound but that pushes towards the kun and I don't feel that appropriately expresses the joke.

Ah, what a conundrum.

Sherrinford
September 14th, 2011, 02:46 PM
Every time somebody hurts Sakura's feelings, and you complain, I always say to myself,

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

"ISN'T IT SAD, MIKKUN!?"

... blame daniel_gudman for this, Mike.

I'll... start using this from now on. It's just too much... priceless.



(Micchan sounds good too, but I prefer Mikkun)

Neir
September 14th, 2011, 02:48 PM
Miririn.

Cruor
September 14th, 2011, 02:57 PM
Type, people're mad. Now you have to write Shirou going to orgies after Fate ending and him fucking Saber/Luvia while Rin and Saber/Luvia listens in after UBW Good to make things fair in their opinion.

And for a second I thought you were talking about Mii-kun from Liar Mii-kun and Broken Maa-chan. BUT OF COURSE I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS THAT LN SERIES

Sherrinford
September 14th, 2011, 03:01 PM
And for a second I thought you were talking about Mii-kun from Liar Mii-kun and Broken Maa-chan. BUT OF COURSE I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS THAT LN SERIES

*raises hand*

I know of it, but only the manga.

Neir
September 14th, 2011, 03:04 PM
him fucking Saber/Luvia while Rin and Saber/Luvia listens in after UBW Good.


I LIKE YOU

Tracer
September 14th, 2011, 08:26 PM
At first, i was like this - ;_;
Then, i saw that Mikkun.
AND I LOL'D SO HARD.

Larekko12
September 20th, 2011, 11:22 PM
Hishishishishsi 5/5 Type 5/5. Write some more.
@Mike U mad bro?

TypeWannabe
September 20th, 2011, 11:25 PM
OK, I'll admit it. When I saw this on the front of the Fanfic section, I actually had to stop and recall if I had accidentally put up Arching with Archer while it was still incomplete. For making me doubt my own memory, you get a internet cookie. For just unanimously praising me though, without any positive criticism, you get a wag of the index finger. This was no more than necroing.

AND DAMN IT ELF, I SEE YOU LOOKING AT THIS THREAD, SAY SOMETHING.

Larekko12
September 20th, 2011, 11:44 PM
Since when is a week a necro in a snip thread?Aand the only contructive criticism I can give you is write it into a story. What happens next?

Neir
September 20th, 2011, 11:45 PM
You get punched in the face?

Larekko12
September 20th, 2011, 11:49 PM
You get punched in the face?

This was an excellent punch line. So funny and well timed.

Elf
September 21st, 2011, 12:40 AM
AND DAMN IT ELF, I SEE YOU LOOKING AT THIS THREAD, SAY SOMETHING.

. . . Ummm, Batman!

Orrrrr: Archer wants to lick Saber's delicious thighs.

Actually, I always felt sorry for Rin in HF true where Sakura gets her fairy tale ending and Rin tries dating other people and can't because they fall short of Shirou/Archer. (You know she made Ilya tattle.)

Besides, sometimes I enjoy fics like this as well. Yep, not much to say.

Oh, needs more Archer Porn. :)

TypeWannabe
September 30th, 2011, 05:05 PM
I've updated the front page with the upcoming "chapters (really more like crack snippets, or just plain snippets)". When they are posted, I'll also link to them. Arching with Archer is about completed, the rest are in between "one paragraph typed" and "halfway done". Just giving you guys something to look forward to.

Sherrinford
September 30th, 2011, 05:06 PM
Something to look forward indeed.


10. Shinji Matou and the Chamber of Secrets.

Ooohhh... this.

xelloss
September 30th, 2011, 06:04 PM
10. Shinji Matou and the Chamber of Secrets.

Can we make this one next?

/lolnonserious

Alulim
September 30th, 2011, 06:09 PM
Number ten compels me.

Sherrinford
September 30th, 2011, 06:25 PM
I just noticed that there's no "Sabering with Saber".

Well, this too seems promising


9. Issei's Secret

...

... and this:


8. Taiga goes down on Zouken

... and this:


7. Lancing with Lancer

DAMMIT TYPE WRITE FASTER.

amado
September 30th, 2011, 09:18 PM
dont we already know issei's secret ;)
unless you mean along the lines of actually being tsundere on rin...

Spinach
September 30th, 2011, 09:24 PM
I dunno about you guys but THIS

6. Berserking with Berserker
Looks like it's gonna be great just from the title.

TypeWannabe
October 1st, 2011, 09:24 PM
Tale #3: Arching with Archer


~0~

GRRRR. THIS CITY…JUST SHOWED YOU…THAT IT’S (wait, let me breathe for a bit…OK, go) FULL OF…(holy crap this is hard) PEOPLE!(huff)(huff)…(huff)READY TO BELIEVE… … … IN GOOD!!

Kotomine smirked, still dangling off the precipice, “Until their spirits break comple-hey, wait, what? Dangling off a precipice? Where? A building? A cliff? Fuyuki’s got mountains, right?”

Archer looked uncomfortable as he shrugged, a hard feat considering he was dangling the infamous Kotomine off a building 30 stories in the air, “Oh yeah, well, guess that answers that.”

“Welp, yep, guess it does. But wait, why are we even here?”

“Wait, was that you?” Archer raised a sexy eyebrow, “oh no, wait, nevermind, that answers tha-HEY NO IT DOESN’T. The narrative only said ‘Archer raised an eyebrow’. Nothing about “Kotomine said this” or “Archer said that”. Come on, man.”

Archer needs to shut the hell up. Or wait, was that Kotomine?


“You don’t even know.”

Shut up. I’m writing this story. No, actually, not anymore. Scene shift, you’re in your private detective office, sitting at your desk that is actually a naked Medusa.

“Where were we before?” Archer asked.

You were nowhere before. That previous doesn’t exist anymore. Kotomine is probably at his church, doing horrible things for the laugh out louds.

“Probably?” Archer cocked his tan, glistening gorgeous, white haired, luxurious hea-“hey, stop that. It’s distracting.”

Fine. And yeah, probably. I don’t know, definitely? I’m the one writing this story, you should be happy with a naked woman as your desk.

“Yeah, see, how does that even work?” Medusa asked. OH WAIT, NO SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE SHE HAS A BALL GAG IN HER MOUTH, AND SHE’S ON ALL FOURS, WITH A BUNCH OF PAPERS AND SHIT ON HER BACK.

“Mmmmpppphhhhmhpmhmmmmph,” Medusa couldn’t talk. Silly Medusa.

“You’re making shit up as you go along,” Archer pointed an accusing finger at nothing in particular.


Hush. You’re a private detective set up in Fuyuki’s Business District that handles all sorts of bizarre cases. You’re known as a fast firing, quick witted ladies’ man jerk with a heart of brass diamonds. Which is better than gold, so you must be super nice underneath your rough exterior that has been built up over a life time of failures. Which is why you were kicked out of the police force.

“For being a ladies man?” Archer asked.

No, for being a jerk. You, uh, didn’t get along with the police force boss. Also you may have been under allegations that you were boning his wife. That tends to upset people.

“Wait, no, I don’t believe I’m any of those things,” Archer closed his eyes and tried to think, “I’m a magical servant summoned by a wish granting machine, right?”

Oh. Yeah, shit. OK, you won the War. Now you’re a private eye, trying to do your bit of good before fading away.

“Wish granting machine. If I won the War, couldn’t I just wish the problems away?”

The wish granting machine was corrupted by a previous magical servant.

“But then if it was evil, why was someone good like me summoned?” Archer suddenly feels he should shut his damn face.

OH HEY LOOK THERE’S A CLIENT AT THE DOOR. There is a knock.

“Come on,” Archer called out in a ringing, resonate, echoing voice, “you realize those are all synonyms, or close enough, ri-“

A BLONDE WOMAN WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. Her hair shines like the sun after rainfall, her face the stuff stars are made of.

“Stars are made of skin tissue?” Archer asked, because Archer is a bag of dicks who has no appreciation for complimenting a perfect woman.

Her piercing turquoise eyes looked like they could stare right into your soul, yet there was a hint of compassion in them that made you think that she would still see past any corruption she may find to the true you. She wore a dress of stainless white, perhaps symbolic of both her unwillingness to waver in her course and her purity in the face of darkness. Or maybe it was that she was a beacon in an endless sea of evil turmoil? Her delicate hands smoothed over her dress, and she looked mildly flustered.

“Maybe that’s because the narration has been basically ogling me,” she snapped. You know what, fine, be that way.

She wore a business suit, fancy but not too fancy, because after all, she was only coming to visit a private detective.

“Before you were singing my praises, now you’re demeaning me?” Archer, no, LITTLE WHINY BITCH, said in that stupid prissy voice of his.

“My name is Saber. I’m a secret agent in Her Majesty Arturia Pendragon’s Secret Service. We need your help and is that really a naked woman you’re using as your desk?” Saber raised an eyebrow at the wonderfully naked Medusa.

Medusa felt her cheeks, both rear and front heat up at her words, and to her shame felt her loins grow wet with longing for this utterly gorgeous woman. It should be a crime for anyone to look so delicious in a suit.

“OK, sick, liquid’s dripping onto my boots,” Archer complained, because he’s a stuck up jerk who cannot handle this much sexual thrill in the air. It’s like, there’s sex everywhere, just fucking everywhere, but you’re the ONE prude who always sits in the corner of the club while everybody is grinding up onto everybody else out on the dance floor, and you keep complaining about the strobe lights, and how your drink isn’t cold, even though you are drinking a drink that is clearly not meant to be a cold beverage, but you don’t know that, so you order some ice, and the bartender gives you a look and you just know you did something wrong but you’re a dick who can’t admit it so you just take your now TOTALLY ruined glass back to your shitty little corner and cry into it. Because you suck.

“The detective just blew his brains out,” Saber deadpanned.



Fuck.

Larekko12
October 1st, 2011, 10:20 PM
Can I get that desk?

Fingolfin
October 1st, 2011, 10:31 PM
I can't stop laughing. Damn it, that was pure genius.

xelloss
October 1st, 2011, 11:05 PM
For some reason I get the image that "Casting with Caster" has something to do with fishing.

Not sure why.

Alulim
October 1st, 2011, 11:34 PM
Al wants a desk like that...though I get the feeling that I won't get much work done.

Mike1984
October 2nd, 2011, 07:48 AM
Oh, lol, what? That was just....

Horray for total randomness.

And, Al, I second your request. I want a desk like that too....

Sherrinford
October 2nd, 2011, 08:30 AM
Eh, I didn't like it.

The incipit and basic idea were good though, but the actualization... not so much.

Oh well, it may happen. Let's see the next ones.

TypeWannabe
October 2nd, 2011, 02:19 PM
No, I'm not making this up, this literally is all of Casting with Caster. I typed this up as filler till Word got to the next page.


Tale #4: Casting with Caster



~0~


“If you don’t mind, Caster,” Kuzuki said while preparing to go out the door to Homurabakuen Gaga. Or something like that, “I would like some fish when I git home. Go fetch me fish woman.”

“HAI GOMENASAI SOUCHIROU SEMPAI SAMA KUN,” Caster said calmly. But she was srcetly excite.

2 days ago, he had gone to market to by fish. But they’re was a mean ladie who slapped her with a fish because caster was wearing her robe and she looked dumb. Caster did not want to lok dumb, but she had no other clothes. Except when Kuzki took them off, but then she was nak3d some tht doesn’t count. What Caster needed was some cloths, and she new had to find them.

Emiya Shirou-chan was wondering a log the pier when he siddenyl saw Caster running toward him. His command seals were gone so he couldn’t call Sabr, but Caster was lny a woman so he could handle it. But to shis sprise, Caster did not fire hueg beams at him and instead told him he needed her help. Shirou was helpful so he deicded to lisen.

“Shiru-sama, u must go to market and buy me fish so I can please Kuzuki and get happy time,” Catser told him strnly, wagging her fingore. Shirou nodded, cus he was scared of her. But first he gave her his clothez to wear so he didn’t look so scairy and went off to buy the fish.

The first lady looked at his strangely because he was naked without his clothes, but gave him some fish because he had helped around the market before. Shrirou to the fish back to Kuzuki-kun and got much tank us from Caster-ojjisama. Assassub was stuck on porch though and couyldnt eat. Lolassassin.

Sherrinford
October 2nd, 2011, 02:24 PM
Eh, no.

Also the typos... I know I shouldn't explain the joke but... they don't work IMO.

ItsaRandomUsername
October 2nd, 2011, 02:35 PM
Despite myself, I chuckled.

Mike1984
October 2nd, 2011, 02:36 PM
OK, are all the typos intentional, or did you just not use the spell-checker properly...?

Sherrinford
October 2nd, 2011, 02:47 PM
OK, are all the typos intentional, or did you just not use the spell-checker properly...?

I think (hope) the former. I think it was an attempt to imitate the "bad writing" of certain fanfics.

But I realized that only in the third paragraph, that's why I said hey don't work IMO.

ItsaRandomUsername
October 2nd, 2011, 02:49 PM
Know what this thread needs more of? (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=cowbell)

TypeWannabe
October 2nd, 2011, 04:32 PM
Tale #5: Riding with Rider



~0~

A tomb now suffices him for whom the whole world was not sufficient.




From Macedonia they came. Banners flapping proudly in the wind, trumpets proclaiming their arrival, all of Athens could feel the armies of the great Macedonian King entering their lands. The wind whispered the name of “Alexander the Great”. The earth sighed and moaned to the beat of horses and the parades of people coming to celebrate the brief return of the legend.

‘He’s conquered Egypt!’ some said in the acropolis, where most assumed he would go, ‘no, no, he’s whipped them over in India!’

Rumors flew and even the common tales of Alexander’s exploits became exaggerated. In one, Alexander had stridden into the throne room of Gordian where he was nearly pierced right through with an arrow from an assassin. He laughed, blood spurting from the wound, and simply pointed to where the arrow had flown from and the assassin fell down dead. The children had said that one, while the adults smiled at the tale and the nay sayer’s scowled.

“Alexander the Conqueror!” they scoffed, “a man so great should return more often to his homeland! What this world needs is stability, not extra lands! Leave Persia and the rest to themselves.”

Acacius loved hearing all tales about the king. He wondered to himself, ‘why would such a great man come to Athens? What waits for him here?’ Soon he would have his answer. On the fifth day from whence the news started, he arrived. The city rang with horns, and all the citizens piled up in huge crowds to watch the parade go past. No, to be more accurate, the parade of foreign men and animals did not draw their attention. What they, each and every single one of them, from the poor to the rich, from sick to healthy, from young to old, was the man who sought to conquer the world itself.

Acacius managed to shove his way to the front just as some screamed and pointed. There, in the very middle of the parade, surrounded on all sides and so thick by his equally famous “Companions”…Alexander. He sat proudly on top of his mighty charger, back straight and eyes gleaming. His fiery red hair blew in the wind, somehow more majestic than all the flags around him. Some looked and pointed to what was behind him, something hidden beneath a burial shroud, but Acacius had eyes only on Alexander.

The man’s eyes flickered toward Acacius’ direction, as though he knew he was being so scrutinized. For one second, for brief moment of time, Acacius felt his whole world, the sum total of his being and existence, weighed in those scarlet eyes and taken in Alexander’s stride. And then the moment passed, and the king’s eyes wandered around, leaving Acasius dizzy. ‘Was he really looking at me, was I simply imagining it?’ he thought.


The crowd followed in the wake of the parade, up, up the ascending steps to the Parthenon. There Alexander stood on a podium, flanked by his finest warriors, all decked out in exotic armors and bearing such weapons as none in Athens had even dreamed of. Only then did Acacius see the shrouded figure lying beside the podium, on top of what seemed like the foundations of a pyre.

“Citizens of Athens!” Alexander’s voice boomed out, needing no supernatural enhancement to make his declarations heard. The sound rebounded off of buildings, off of pillars of the great building behind him, off of the very souls of those gathered. All sound save his voice stopped instantly, “I realize that many of you today are wondering why I have come back to Greece from my travels abroad.”

Travels! The man who stated so boldly that he would conquer the world and see the farthest sea described it all as traveling! Despite Alexander’s presence, a brief stirring arose in the crowd, but died quickly.

“I have come back because of a loss. It is a loss of incalculable grief, of immeasurable sacrifice and of overwhelming courage. Beside me in death as he was in life, lies the body of Cleosidas. Many of you may know him. He was the son of a member of your government, one Euclides. Yes, I see memory stirs in some of you now. When he was a child, Cleosidas was sent to Macedonia to learn from my own teacher, the wise Aristotle, alongside many others.

‘I did not at first get along well with the politician’s son. I believed he was haughty, and too proud by far to be the pupil of Aristotle. We came to blows sometimes, I remember,” Alexander closed his eyes and chuckled in remembrance, “but we both came to respect each other, and to even become friends. When I succeeded my father to the throne, Cleosidas were among my many friends who came to my coronation. I sent him and others back to Athens for a time, to ensure that all was well.

‘When I began my journey to the east, to see the point where the world ends, he hastened to my side. All of my Companions did, for they were my friends. They were my loyal retainers, my confidants, my embassy and my mind. And I would need them, for on my quest there were, and will be, many nations and many alien rules and people who would not wish to see my venture into the unknown, who would rather see me struck down than behold sights no man has ever seen or will again.

‘Cleosidas died defending me from one of these people, he gave his life to protect my back. I avenged his death, I turned the landscape all around me into so much dust and ash, that were any life to grow on that battlefield it would have been a most spiteful and wretched sort, having had to struggle so hard to puncture the withered earth. With his last breath, Cleosidas asked me to bring him back to Athens, and for me to accept his apology that he could no longer journey with me.”

The King’s eyes shone with tears unshed. Were they tears of regret, or tears of fond memories? No, Acacius decided, for this man, this veritable god, surely regret was a concept completely separate from his being.

“So I have come,” Alexander continued, “I have come to honor his life, and bring word of his death. Know this! He died not in vain, he died not begging for extra time on this world! And even if time forgets him, even if time washes us all away in its currents, and we are all but fish in the wide sea of eternity, I will not forget. I will not, and I ask only that Athens not forget this man either. I ask that he be esteemed, and praised for his courage. And I ask this: is there any among you who can fill his shoes? Are there any in this assembly who can achieve, or even surpass, his deeds? Can there be a man or boy who will rush into battle, trample over inferior enemies to my goal?! Is there a single one of you who will stand in my army, who can overcome all the obstacles of the world?! Who can ride with me, who will dare to traverse the world and reach the farthest shores?! Who can stay loyal to me, though the nights be harsh and the days sweltering?! ANSWER ME ATHENS, WHO WILL RIDE WITH ME TO THE ENDS OF THE WORLD?!”

Alexander’s last words rose to a roar that seemed to shake the Parthenon itself, but the resultant cheers, thankfully, matched it. Together, the din rose in force and power to shake not only the Parthenon, not only Athens, but the foundations of the world itself.

Of course Acacius signed up. Indeed, within a week of that speech it seemed half of Athens would be emptied. The resounding challenge, the call to arms, the promise of glory stayed still in the hearts and souls of the youth, and even the elderly thought twice of staying at home and comfort.

In three weeks, Alexander’s army rode out again from Athens, and this time Acacius rode with them. He braved the deserts with his fellows, he saw such wonders that would make a man’s eyes bleed, and beheld such horrors that afterwards still chased him in his darkest nightmares. But he stayed. Along the way east, along the way to the ends of the Earth, many fell. But their eyes said that they traveled still with Alexander, for he had swept all of their lives up in his arms, and held the burden as light as a feather.

And when at last Acacius fell too, nine years later, he died not ashamed or broken. For in his heart the whispers of the ocean still sang, and that speech from long ago remained unforgotten. And he died staring up in eternal awe of Alexander the Great, who through it all stood triumphant and far seeing. And through him, all men could hear the sounds of crashing waves and see magnificent visages, and not a single one of his Companions who died, died unfulfilled. They had done their duty.

SeiKeo
October 2nd, 2011, 04:33 PM
;_;

Sherrinford
October 2nd, 2011, 04:48 PM
Riding with Rider

Now, this was good.

SAVED.

Elf
October 2nd, 2011, 06:20 PM
Oh god, Arching with Archer was . . . amazing.

Larekko12
October 2nd, 2011, 09:13 PM
Riding with Rider was a beautiful expression of a pure majesty of the King. This is the reason this man was worthy to Face the End of the World.

Keyne
October 3rd, 2011, 05:19 AM
Good Lawd, I lol'd at Coster and Archurr.

I3uster
October 3rd, 2011, 05:35 AM
http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/6254/whattheamareading.jpg

TypeWannabe
October 16th, 2011, 04:45 PM
OK, sorry for those of you who may have been anticipating it, but Berserking with Berserker is off the table for now. See, I kind of got too carried away with it, as the general premise was something along the lines of "Issei convinces Shirou to trip out on drugs because all the cool kids are doing it, he meets up with Berserker playing a game-of-hide-and-go-seek with Ilya, and shit happens". Thing is, though, the end result...well, it actually scared me. There was so much what the fuck in there that it was kind of...well, something past weird. So I erased the end product, and I'm shelving that chapter till later, if I do it at all.

Sherrinford
October 16th, 2011, 04:58 PM
Ok~

So~...

Lancing with Lancer where?!

Neir
October 16th, 2011, 05:02 PM
lancer specializes in wart removal?

Kotonoha
October 16th, 2011, 05:09 PM
Ew.

ItsaRandomUsername
October 16th, 2011, 05:11 PM
Aww......I wanted Type to break my brain.

Alulim
October 16th, 2011, 07:18 PM
Unfortunately my brain is already broken.

TypeWannabe
October 16th, 2011, 07:39 PM
And nobody cared.

Spinach
October 16th, 2011, 07:42 PM
I care. Perhaps Berserking with Berserker could counter break Al's brain?

SeiKeo
October 16th, 2011, 07:42 PM
Break it so hard it unbreaks? It didn't work for my TV.

Spinach
October 16th, 2011, 07:43 PM
You didn't break it hard enough.

Alulim
October 16th, 2011, 07:43 PM
And nobody cared.=3=

Sherrinford
October 16th, 2011, 07:49 PM
And nobody cared.

I did.

But from what I got, this was mainly comedy. And I think you fit better for serious oneshots.

But I did care.


Ah, you were talking about Al? Well, I care about him too, of course.

TypeWannabe
October 16th, 2011, 07:53 PM
That only proves, Sherrin, you know me not. Ask Elf, or Koto, or mike, or anybody else from old BL.

Sherrinford
October 16th, 2011, 07:54 PM
... because everyone of them is... they have...





... what qualification do they have that I don't have, again...?

:3

TypeWannabe
October 16th, 2011, 07:57 PM
They've seen my other works.

Sherrinford
October 16th, 2011, 08:02 PM
Well, I've only read the ones you posted here. One was "wtf am I reading?!" and the other "meh".

Didn't know you wrote other comedy things, I based it on what I've read. Post the other stuff, I'll read them, and then adjust my opinions.

And after all, just giving my honest review here, no more no less.

TypeWannabe
October 20th, 2011, 08:42 PM
Tale #6: Lancing with Lancer


He had once been a mighty hero. Once, his name had been Setanta, once Cu Chulainn, the Hound of Culann, the Hound of Ulster, and Ireland’s Son of Light, named after his father, the sun god Lugh. In a long ago age, he had been these things, those years, he had lived a life of excitement and action, of the thrill of battle and the heat of the moment. He remembered women as lovely as the wind whipping the grass over the plains, and one woman in particular who shone in front of his eyes like the sun itself.


He recalled his bestest of friends, and he remembered a boy. Yes, that rowdy lad who had seen the length and breadth of the world as a challenge waiting to be faced, much alike to his father. That boy had sworn to not reveal his identity to none, and always fight a foe. He remembered the blood running down his spear and that same boy’s astonished expression. He remembered using the exact same attack to claim the life of his best friend, and feeling the same anguish and horror at what he’d done.

All of that, all those heat filled battles and those long nights of revelry, naught but dust in the wind. Now, summoned anew in this modern era of technology, where a man’s place in the world was not determined by his strength of arms but by the toil of his mind, he went by the moniker Lancer. Any other person may have looked back on these recollections and lamented, but not he. This hero was a hero through and through, and no matter what did not allow himself to feel regret. His pride as a knight demanded it, and moreover, his respect to those dead at his hands.

However, fate has no respect for honor, for deeds done and titles earned. Fate is a capricious concept, and while in life he may have had luck in that he was allowed to fight worthy foes to his heart’s content, this life held different enemies. Most notably, his own “master”, who won him off like a pawned dog from his former Master. She was yet another person whose life he had held in his hands and felt trickle out. Now, in service to this wretched man, Lancer was forced to do menial things, like challenge enemy Servants yet not take their lives, not even exert himself to his fullest.

That had since changed, if only a little bit. It seemed the priest had taken a certain fancy to a schoolgirl, something cherry blossom or other. Lancer figured it was a cute nickname and let it be. All that mattered was that he had been ordered to act as a watchful protector. ‘A guard dog, just like old times, hm?’ the hollow man had laughed.

Lancer stood, facing away from the unconscious girl and toward a hulking lead behemoth. Lancer felt in this moment a little betrayed. Surely Kotomine must have foreseen this, that old devil at times seemed to know everything that was happening around town. Not three days after Lancer had begun his vigil, he had seen this strange white haired girl following them. She looked like she was sightseeing, other times playing, but Lancer knew a spy when he saw one. Those red eyes sometimes lingered too long on his charge, her pace always slowed a tad when she must have thought the cherry blossom teen might spot her. All of these were reason enough to distrust her, but he also knew her to be suspicious because he had fought her before. Not her exactly, actually, but rather her gargantuan Servant, a fearsome enemy who stood as tall as some trees.

Lancer already knew the name of that Servant, at least. His Master had so carelessly revealed his name: Heracles. Not without good reason, though. Lancer had wracked his store of newly gained information, but in the legends, Heracles had killed himself out of an unwillingness to endure any more of the poison’s burning. ‘Intolerance to pain?’ Lancer had asked himself. Heh, as if he could get past that giant’s skin anyway. His spear was faster than bullets, but it did him no good if it just bounced off a skin that felt like metal. In their first encounter, he had hightailed it after only a few minutes skirmish, realizing that continuing would be folly. He knew the Servant’s name, he knew that this Servant had some kind of invulnerability to physical attacks, his task was done.

Yet now he faced this goliath again, this time in defense of a woman. Lancer had to chuckle a bit at the switch in roles. At another time, he would have welcomed this battle, but not when there was a defenseless life on the line. For one thing, if the Master was playing it smart, she would order her Servant to go after the girl, and Lancer would be hard pressed to prevent him from taking her. Suddenly, Lancer happened upon an idea, an idea so random that it just might not work. He took one look back at the woman he was supposed to protect, and smiled. Yeah, it’ll work.

“Hey, Berserker,” Lancer raised his spear in salutation, “You know you got one hell of a defense, right?”

Berserker stood still, eyes fixed on Lancer. His Master on the other hand smirked with pride and arrogance.

“But, you see, I reckon that’s only your skin. So, now, see, what I’m going to do…” Lancer dropped his spear down into a battle ready stance and roared out with sudden vigor, the vigor that takes all men when they have happened upon genius, “I AM GOING TO RAM THIS SPEAR UP YOUR ASSHOLE!!!!!”


Yes, Lancer used to be a great hero. Then he rammed Gae Bolg up Heracles’ ass.

Mike1984
October 20th, 2011, 08:49 PM
Heh, lol.

xelloss
October 20th, 2011, 08:51 PM
SNERK.

Lancing indeed.

Fafnir
October 20th, 2011, 08:57 PM
Isn't that actually a canon move for Cu Chulainn?

Sherrinford
October 20th, 2011, 09:26 PM
...

......

......... *crickets* (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=crickets).

Hymn of Ragnarok
October 20th, 2011, 09:46 PM
Isn't shoving his lance up a foe's anus part of Lancer's legend? Or am I misremembering something?

Spinach
October 20th, 2011, 09:48 PM
It's a part of his legend. I remember reading it, too.

Larekko12
October 20th, 2011, 09:51 PM
But What what if it breaks off in thier or gets sucked in?

Alulim
October 20th, 2011, 09:54 PM
gets sucked in?Berserker has a vacuum up there?

Hymn of Ragnarok
October 20th, 2011, 09:56 PM
But What what if it breaks off in thier or gets sucked in?

Uh...looking at wiki I'm pretty sure that Gae Bolg was meant to get...well, stuck.

Stuck so thoroughly that it had to be cut out, in some interpretations.

ItsaRandomUsername
October 20th, 2011, 09:58 PM
That's one hell of a sphincter.

Hymn of Ragnarok
October 20th, 2011, 10:00 PM
That's one hell of a sphincter.

I think the spearhead was meant to burst into thirty barbs to render it unremovable. Or that's what I remember.

Larekko12
October 20th, 2011, 10:02 PM
Herc a big boy.

Spinach
October 20th, 2011, 10:21 PM
Spent the last like 30 minutes searching for this in my "Misc TM" folder, but it was worth it.
http://i.imgur.com/P3xHy.jpg

Mike1984
October 21st, 2011, 05:06 AM
It's a part of his legend. I remember reading it, too.

Yeah, and IIRC he used it against a supposedly invincible foe, too....

Fafnir
October 21st, 2011, 06:32 AM
Spent the last like 30 minutes searching for this in my "Misc TM" folder, but it was worth it.

Berserker's expression... cannot unsee.

TypeWannabe
October 21st, 2011, 10:08 PM
Good news guys, Taiga Goes Down on Zouken is also off the table. At that point, the basic premise was to lure you in with an outrageous title, and then vent all my frustrations regarding the people here on BL. Like, blast your mental faces with a roaring furnace of hate. But as I went on, it felt more and more like I was turning into the type of person I hate. So, having looked at myself in the mirror and questioning if I can really face myself and my fellow man again, I have decided that that is one story I will never be putting up.

xelloss
October 21st, 2011, 10:11 PM
Which means that Issei's Secret and Shinji Matou and the Chamber of Secrets are still on the table.

\o/

Elf
October 21st, 2011, 10:12 PM
That's pretty awesome.

TypeWannabe
October 21st, 2011, 10:14 PM
Yay, you liked Lancing with lancer! :D

EDIT: OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMILEY

Hymn of Ragnarok
October 21st, 2011, 10:15 PM
Yay, you liked Lancing with lancer! :D

EDIT: OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMILEY

It's happy to see you Type~

TypeWannabe
October 28th, 2011, 11:33 AM
Issei's Secret nearly done, though I don't think many of you are going to like it when it's put up. If so, I refer you to first post, which says what this thread is all about. Also, new chapter titles, check them out and if you want to get hype, go ahead. Whatever.

Sherrinford
October 28th, 2011, 11:49 AM
>New titles.

Interesting...

TypeWannabe
October 28th, 2011, 12:09 PM
Tale #7: Issei’s Secret


Issei Ryuudou had himself a pretty little secret. It was a secret that, if told, could destabilize his entire world. It was a deeply held mystery so vast, so alien, so purely foreign that merely speaking it out loud, in the dark, could set dogs fifty miles away howling. Yet it was still a simple puzzle. Issei liked Emiya Shirou.

Not “liked as a friend” like. Like as in “you’re a brother to me” like. It was affection so strong that it surpassed the romantic, the sexual, and the social links. The ties that bind us human beings, which make us say to one another the depths we’d go to for that other person is stronger than any relationship you can put into words. The closest you could come would be family. Issei considered Shirou his family, a second brother to him, though they were unrelated by blood or possibly (the natural red hair was suspicious) race.

‘So what?’ your average incredulous person may say. Who cares, lots of people consider their best friends kin. Not Issei. Issei was special. Issei was fuckin’ crazy. Issei could make your brain explode before you had time to think of any last requests to Darth Vader.

Issei’s dilemma was one of shyness and poor decision making. Of course, these two qualities in a Student Council President are very bad. Though not for Issei. Issei had no problem governing the faceless masses, which teemed and swarmed with the corrupt bile of yockels and ordinance. What he really had trouble with was people he knew on a personal basis.

Why else did he not call down the divine thunder to smite his foe, the dread king Shinji Matou, with said evil king harassed and shackled Shirou with chores and cleaning up after the dark king’s evil shit? SHIROU WAS NO TOILET. Issei was sick of it, but he could do nothing, because he could not voice his true emotions to Shirou. Shirou was special.

Issei stood on the embankment of life and death and roared a battle cry of foaming rage and ever present indecisiveness. That is to say, he stood on the school’s roof and cried like a little bitch. Issei was a little bitch.

Rin, who always came up to the roof on her annual PMS-ing woman problem day, spotted our protagonist and charged, roaring a challenge of two men who engage in fighting each other by stamping their feet and imagining themselves as taller before the pother person runs out of imagination and explodes. INDIA IS HARDCORE.

Issei though was taught by Lui Kang in his dragon Bestialityform and was ready for her, bringing his talons up to rake her breasts off. But Issei was not a dragon and all he did was kick that bitch in the titties. LIKE A MAN. She fell over, milk and blood and guts and all sorts of women problems leaking out of her exposed chest. Issei saw there the black heart of a vile vixen and fell deeply in a kind of love that only occurs in the midst of terrible hate. AND HE HATED DAT COW.

So Issei launched himself upon her crying body, pile driving her into the dirt with his mind. Rin struggled in vain, calling out amazing incantations that made his blood sing and his bones boil. But blood singing is better than bone liquid, so Issei slapped the shit out of her with his boiling bones. HIS BONES WERE MADE OUT OF BAMBOO AND HIS RIBS WERE CAGED HEAT.

“It’s hammer time,” Issei screamed belligerently, doing the snake just all over her nubile body. ALL OVER.

Rin struggled free in time to see the doom of mankind fall on her shoulders. She whined and panted like a mad cat that just had its head stuffed up a fox’s foot. She reached out and sank her mammies into Issei’s foot, but his intense dislike of her pushed her breasts into V cup range and they burst like balloons. Because they were balloons, terrible balloons of rage and horror and existential angst. Raging Issei smashed his shoryuken uppercut into her lower plexis, reaching deep into her outer womb and ripping free the tendons of hate that lay for so long dormant.

Rin’s body went into overdrive, claws appearing where there should be teeth and fangs where there should be knees. She grew four arms and 12 necks with five heads and looked very much like Neo from the Matrix. ISSEI HATED THE MATRIX. He also bit into her leg, which by noe had gained a skin made of plexiglass leather. He smelled the wild smell of the wild west and felt the breeze of ten thousand yearning breasts all smashing his face into pulp.

Issei shoved her against the wall that separated this vicious cabaret from the rest of the world and bit into her neck, drinking sweet pheromones into his burning cells. His A-type blood couldn’t handle this level of insanity and exploded, testicles and tentacles and everything shooting out to hit Rin’s pussy stomach. Acid and manliness dueld there for a bit, in a battle that historians, were there to be any alive at the end of 2073, would say was called the Second Battle of 1927.

Issei splattered his wild meat into her skull, her brains gushing into her soaking hot vagina and stirring the eggs there to premature hatching. Now Issei had to fight twelve donkeys instead of just one cat. He brought out his chainsaw, which he pulled from aforementioned battle, and grinned. He chopped off a leg and twirled it above his head, yelling out strange Buddhist tongues and heresies that have never been seen this side of Ghandi. He fought and she fought, neither side winning, neither side wanting to lose. But in the end it was over, Issei stood on a glowing pedestal made of grinning naked heavy metal album cover women.

Oh, right, and he also said how he felt to Shirou. Shirou said that was cool and walked home with Sakura. Just another day, just another dollar.

xelloss
October 28th, 2011, 12:25 PM
wut

Fafnir
October 28th, 2011, 12:43 PM
The fuck.

solopy567
October 28th, 2011, 01:30 PM
It was absolutely impossible for me to imagine it.

You broke imagination with sheer WTFness. Good job.

nununu
October 28th, 2011, 01:52 PM
This is why speedballing is bad for you.

ItsaRandomUsername
October 28th, 2011, 02:02 PM
If this is passable, then Berserking With Berserker must have been some really fucked up shit.

That's awesome.

TypeWannabe
October 28th, 2011, 10:29 PM
Tale #8: Matou Shinji and the Chamber of Secrets



Matou Shinji, great destroyer of all, destroyer of all he surveys, annihilator of virginity, decimator of souls, doom of enemies, bane of…I don’t know, plants? Looked out upon his dark, dreadful, haunted, …um… dread!(yeah, that’s a good one) land of agony and woe and smiled. No, wait, he grinned. No, even better, he sneered, because he’s evil and badass and stuff!

“No Shinji,” Sakura calmly scolded her brother for what felt like the fifth time, “you can’t start a story where the main character is all powerful. It doesn’t work out very well, and only the very talented authors can pull it off to any real effect.”

Shinji looked up from his desk where stacks of paper and an inkwell could be seen under the bright light of a downcast lamp and frowned. For what felt like the fifth time. “Dang it Sakura, first you downgrade my character from being God, to being a fallen angel, to being the reincarnation of a god, to being a cool anti-hero, to evil dread lord, and now you want me to go down again? I knew having you as my editor was a bad idea, if grand dad was here he’d be encouraging me!”

Sakura sighed. This argument had been repeated before, “If Grandfather was here, he’d be poking you with his cane and muttering about how you were a failure as a grandchild for not studying harder or trying to get a job.”

Shinji’s eyes widened, and he desperately tried to come up with an alternate scenario, “N-n-no! He would…he’d be all…you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

This victory gave Sakura no pride or vanity. Shinji was remarkably incapable of many things, so engrossed was he in striving toward the family…inheritance… of being a magus. Still, he had only now shown an interest in maybe becoming something else, in this case a writer, so Sakura felt compelled to help him.

Thus far, his bumbling’s had resulted in nothing more than a Sailor Moon Mary Sue fan fiction, a ridiculously titled story DDD, and a rather interesting but still lacking story titled Notes. That one she had kind of liked, but Shinji was unwilling to put any more work into it, citing writer’s block and other excuses, physical or otherwise.

Sakura tilted her head and closed her eyes, looked deep inside of her vast brain, and dredged out another idea along with a well of patience. She took a deep breath, and gently laid her hand on Shinji’s writing hand. He scowled again in annoyance.

“The fantasy ideas are good, Shinji, but you’re taking the wrong approach to them. It isn’t fun for the reader to see some over powered character have….um, sex with goddesses and bash his way out of Hell after sealing an interdimensional portal. People will hate that character after a while. Start smaller, and make him less cocky. Say, a magus in training who has stumbled upon something bigger than himself and has to use his wits and guile to beat the odds. Not everything can be solved by magic.”

Shinji twisted his face, pen tapping nervously against the paper, making blotches. Never would he admit it, but Sakura’s suggestions and ideas were all very good, and that is why he disliked her most of the time. It always felt like she was coddling him. Sure, she let him do his own thing all the time, and she never raised a word of protest against an action, and she was always caring and willing to offer help…Shinji was just an ass, so there. Shinji needs no reason. In fact…

1. If Shinji should slap Sakura upside her generous, forgiving, humble, emotionally scarred head, type one and give reasons
2. If Shinji should listen to her advice and follow through with the story of one magus’ journey through a world full of enchantment and magic and stuff, type two and give reasons

mangafreak7793
October 28th, 2011, 10:33 PM
1. If only to keep consistent with SHinji's behavior.

Alulim
October 28th, 2011, 10:35 PM
3. Because 1 & 2 reminds me of highschool English class essays too much.







But seriously, let's go with 2.

Spinach
October 28th, 2011, 10:40 PM
2. But threaten to slap her anyway.

Fingolfin
October 28th, 2011, 11:40 PM
2. I'm interested in seeing how that story turns out.

Neir
October 28th, 2011, 11:47 PM
1. For shits and giggles.

Or 2.

Satehi
October 28th, 2011, 11:56 PM
2. But threaten to slap her anyway.

Listen to this man.

Kotonoha
October 29th, 2011, 12:08 AM
2. because Type will complain that we're bad people if we pick the good choice

Elf
October 29th, 2011, 12:33 AM
Two!

And make some bad assed story.

Alulim
October 29th, 2011, 12:34 AM
Shinji is Nasu. Discuss!

lantzblades
October 29th, 2011, 12:37 AM
have to admit 2 is in character for shinji...

Larekko12
October 29th, 2011, 03:37 AM
2. The Characterr can become and author avater but well developed. becoming and outlet for hsi desires and a focus to self improvement. The struggle will make you strong and like yourself for earning you victory and goddess banging on blood sweat and tears.

xelloss
October 29th, 2011, 06:08 AM
2. Because I think it looks fun.

deviatesfish
October 29th, 2011, 06:30 AM
2. And Sakura will have to edit through all of Shirou's dead ends and the times where he didn't choose her.

Fafnir
October 29th, 2011, 06:45 AM
Shinji is Nasu. Discuss! This makes WAY too much sense.

Spinach
October 29th, 2011, 06:49 AM
Listen to this man.

/Highfive

deviatesfish
October 29th, 2011, 07:00 AM
So that's why Nasu doesn't follow his own rules.

Mike1984
October 29th, 2011, 08:15 AM
2. Because it means listening to Sakura and her not getting slapped.

Sherrinford
October 29th, 2011, 08:24 AM
2. Because it means more brainwork from that genius writer that is Nasu Shinji.


2. But threaten to slap her anyway.

Oh, Spinach.

TypeWannabe
October 29th, 2011, 08:36 AM
2. because Type will complain that we're bad people if we pick the good choice

It's almost frightening how you know so much about me without ever having met me in person Koto.

Counterguardian
October 30th, 2011, 12:01 AM
2. Because this way we can also make Shinji go on an acid trip.

Satehi
October 30th, 2011, 12:05 AM
/Highfive

/Highfive'd

VelspertheCat
October 30th, 2011, 02:18 PM
2. But the protagonist is now named Minchi and he gets a female magus named Lin while his red haired gaijin friend dies saving his generous, forgiving, humble, emotionally scarred sister because of Idiot Balls handed out to everyone not named Minchi.

We will call that the Celestial Sensation arc.

TypeWannabe
December 16th, 2012, 12:00 AM
Fate/stay night: The Abridged Version: Sparks Liner High


Before I was a legendary man capable of leveling the trees and splitting the roadways with my talking guitar and jive talk, I was a legendary man who did all of that with one of the greatest things in the world: crack. Metric tons of it. Inspired by the current talk happening in the Badass Versus thread right now, Dec. 15, 2012.

The cast:
Shirou - Resident badass and all around pimp
Rin - Cocky girl with a heart of asshole
Sakura - Genre savvy slut
Kotomine - Useless quest giving NPC who delights in giving out Bear Ass Collecting Quests
Archer - Asshole who regularly drills Rin...for information.
Lancer - A mysterious man on a hunt for love and justice in a crime riddled world full of meaningless pain and torment
Caster - Hoe
Kuzuki - Jackie Chan
Berserker - A bodyguard perpetually tired of getting the shit jobs
Ilya - Shit tipper, and shit employer
Kiritsugu - Ultimate badass and all around pimp
Gilgamesh - The Man
Assassin - Pimp
Rider - OH MY GOD HAWTNESS I WANT TO BANG YOU
Shinji - Otaku
Saber: Bro
Saber Alter: Douche

*So here’s the score, bitches. The world’s PRETTY FUCKED. The only Servants who haven’t already fallen into Sakura’s she devil blackness are on her side, and the odds are stacked against our favorite bitch and resident badass and pimp. This is when destiny’s stride comes upon our heroes to give them some help (read: Rider comes to ride Shirou’s mana dragon)*

Shirou: HERPADERP I’M IN THE SHACK BECAUZE PLOT

Rider: S’up, I’m here now

Shirou: HOLY SHIT I just sworded my pants.

Rider: I want to test if you can rlly save my master and your lover but I’m not going to say that because I’m such a tease. Seriously, look at what I’m wearing.

Audience: Already on it.

Doujinshi drawers: Waaaaaaay already on it. We didn’t even pay attention to the story once you got on screen.

Shirou: I GET FOUR OPTIONS AND THREE OF THEM LEAD TO MY FUCKIN RAD ASS DEMISE. GEE THANKS NASU, FROM ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE ROTATE OR HAVE A GUIDE.

*picks one of the wrong ones, because didn’t you see the title? Sparks Liner High all up in dis*

Shirou: welp, I’mma slide backwards cuz u all up in mah grill hoe

Rider: For some reason, this makes you unworthy to save Sakura. Kkthxbai

Shirou: I’m going to go and stroke my sword for a while now while imagining her being pierced by tons of swords

*SHIROU PROCEEDS TO DO PRECISELY THAT, AND GETS A TON OF CUTS ON HIS HAND. ALSO, WTF SHIROU, U GOT PROBLEMS*

Rin: okay, so, because we’re both a ton of dombasses, we’re going to do the whole saving the world business at the LATEST POSSBLE TIME. Like, Two Minutes to Midnight shit right here.

Iron Maiden: We demand royalties

Ilya: since you killed the war’s most awesome Servant and my bestest bodyguard, I’m pretty much useless. So…try not to die horribly u gaiz!

Shirou: Leave the light on I swear I’m comin’ back for you

Ilya: And if you don’t…

Shirou: Don’t blame yourself we all do what we think is right.

EVERYBODY: I’M BREAKIN’ OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE TOOOOOONIIIIIGHT

*Ryudo Temple time skip, thank God we don’t ever have to go through the Prologue’s slice of life tour guide bullshit ever again*

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/aa/Fate_hollow_ataraxia_game_DVD_cover.jpg

*FUCK*

Rin: OK, so, there’s like…evil EVERYWHERE. So let’s go down into the mountain, and I swear there’s a song that has some kind of reference to what we’re about to do but I don’t remember what it was so no reference for you

*they go into a tunnel*

Shirou: oh wow, is dis some kind of illusion?

Rin: are you fucking kidding me? U have gone through this entire war and seen incredibly baller shit, and A FUCKING FAKE WALL AMAZES YOU

Shirou: Bitch

Rin: When we get done here I’m gonna strap you to a chair and ride you senseless while my sister tongues my anu-

Doujinshi drawers: waaaaaaaaay already on it.

Rin: anyway, why’d you give me a weapon of mass destruction knowing I really want to murderate the hell out of my sister?

Shirou: I like swords

Rin: …

Shirou: …

Rin: …no seriously.

*THE ACTUAL EXPLANATION IS EVEN STUPIDER, SO WE’RE GOING WITH THAT*

Saber: S’up

Shirou and Rin: FUCK

Saber: Relax broskies. Rin, your bro girl wants you to bro your broing way up to her, bro. Nobody else bro can step up to me though bro. Sorry bro.

Rin: welp, I’mma leave you to your certain death. Kkthxbai

Shirou: If I live through this, I’m gonna ram my sword so far up your ass you’ll be choking on diamonds.

Saber: anyway bro, I can’t actually step forward from this bro spot because I’m a bro, and because I take my bro’s order’s really bro seriously.

Shirou: So if I move forward?

Saber: I will ram my bro sword so far into your body you’re going to be broing with the Bro Choir of Invisible Bros.

Shirou: So I need to kill you

Saber: Well, there’s a bad ending where you don’t kill me and you get to Sakura.

Shirou: Oh that’s nice. Why can’t we do that?

Saber: Tentacles bro.

Shirou: Tentacles?

Saber: You don’t even know.

Shirou: well, I could project Excalibur and blast her from here since she apparently can’t move, but not only would that bring the cavern down on us, not only can she coutner it with her own blast, but that incredibly useful power has been RETCONNED THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE

*Japan, Type-Moon Headquarters*

Takeuchi: yo maaaaan, u gunna finish mahoyo?

Nasu: fuckin’ artorias the abysswalker, this is bullshit. Hold on, before I work on mahoyo, I’m gonna go vent my frustration by having Shirou unable to project Excalibur

Takeuchi: But wait, didn’t he use Excalibur to break the Grail in that one ending?

Nasu: My millions of drugs and the ever present smoke and smell of prostitutes in our offices say no.

Takeuchi: welp, I don’t really care, I’m off to make more maids.

Nasu: WAT THE FOOK THEY’RE MAKING DARK SOULS II

*Underneath Ryudo Temple*

Saber: Time to come at me, bro

Shirou: WELL SHIT. By the power of the magicks, I use my weaksauce magic to try to make some bullshit.

Saber: man, bro, u’re the worst magic.

Ryuunosuke: WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT

*Saber and Shirou Fight. It’s really awesome and proves that Saber wasn’t holding back at all. Just saiyan. But Shirou’s still getting his ass handed to him*

Shirou: WHOOOOOOOOOOO I’M FIGHTING SABER THIS IS SO DESU KAWAII OUR SWORDS ARE BANGING AGAINST EACH OTHER’S AND MAKING MY TRALALA GO DING DING DONG

Saber: srs bro? u need to get some bro help, bro, ur bro erection is pressing against my bro armor like a diamond

LIKE

A

ROLLING

STONE

Saber: im just tearin ur body up bro.

Shirou: UR TEARIN ME APART LISA SABER

EVERYBODY: HA.

Shirou: no, but seriously, my body is getting WRECKED. LIKE A TRUCK.

Saber: Are you serious bro? Is that all I am to you bro?

Shirou: …you know what, you’re right.

Saber: Fuck bitches…

Shirou: Get fame.

*THEY BROFIST. IT’S PRETTY RAD*

Shirou: DUH NUH NUH NU NUH NU NUH

Saber: NANANANANANANANANANANANA

EVERYBODY: AAAAAAAWWWWWW SHIT

*Power Rangers theme starts blaring*

Shirou: Theeeeey’ve got….a power and a force that you’ve never seen before

Saber: Theeeeeeey’ve got….the ability to morph and to even up the score

EVERYBODY: NOOOOOO OOOOOONE, CAN EVER TAKE THEM DOWN. THE POWER LIES ON THEIR SI-IYAI-IYAI-IYAI-YAI-IYAI-IYAIIIIIIIIIIIDE

*GO GO POWER RANGERS. *GUITAR* GO GO POWER RANGERS*

Baller skill, tall and black

Moves kill the court

Dribblin’ breaks their fool ass

Team approaches the enemy goal

SLAM, WELCOME TO THE JAM

Shirou: THERE AIN’T NOTHIN BUT NET TO A TRUE B-BALL MASTER

*HE THROWS HIS FUCKING SWORDS LIKE A RETARD*

Saber: *too busy rocking out on Power Rangers to care*

*still deflects*

Shirou: I’M COMIN AT U BRO

Saber: BRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shirou: BRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*AND SLAM*

Saber: THINK YOU CAN SLAM WITH THE JAM MASTER

Shirou: YEAH, I THINK I CAN

*swords come from behind her because something something boomerang, fights are hard gaiz*

Saber: *deflects them and blocks oncoming attack*

Shirou: HEY YOU, WATCHA GONNA DO

*ANOTHER FUCKING SWORD COMES FROM BEHIND HER*

Saber: Fuck, my bod’s twisting like 360 degrees

Shirou: WORK THAT BODY WORK THAT BODY CUS I’MMA BOUT TO CAP SOMEBODY

Saber: *she somehow breaks that, because she’s da JAM MASTER*

Shirou: Hey Saber?


Saber: KIND OF BUSY BRO, WAT?!

Shirou: You know what my favorite food is?

Saber: …oh fuuuuuu-

Shirou: SLICED PICKLES

*HE BISECTS HER IN FUCKING HALF WITH THE LAST PAIR OF PROJECTED SWORDS, BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKIN’ BADASS AND A PIMP*

Saber: HOLY SHIT WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE BEEN THIS METAL WHEN I WAS WITH YOU

Shirou: The power of the metal gods can only be bequeathed one time in a man’s life. On his dying moment. And if you satisfy their fancy, you are permitted to live past that moment. I could not rock out enough.

*HE IS NOW EFFECTIVELY BRAIN DEAD, BUT HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME*

Saber: …that was pretty damn awesome. I love you bro.

Tohsaka: THIS FIGHT HURTS

Sakura: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN

Kelnish
December 16th, 2012, 12:16 AM
This. I liked this. And I don't even think it's the cheap beer talking either!

mangafreak7793
December 16th, 2012, 12:21 AM
What the hell did I just read?

Olive
December 16th, 2012, 01:44 AM
Waddafuq I don't even.

Fafnir
December 16th, 2012, 11:19 AM
... two minutes to midnight, to kill the unborn in the womb...

How did I manage to miss that before? It's PERFECT!

I3uster
December 16th, 2012, 12:34 PM
I have no words. Thus I bring music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgtxb9yBggc