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Arashi_Leonhart
September 12th, 2011, 03:11 PM
Random crack, because I can. Just an expansion on what I posted buried in the crossovers thread. Also, I guess I haven't been doing omakes in Fate/Far Side, so maybe this'll hold you over.


Faker of the Rings


Shirou: You’re late.

Rin: A magus is never late. Nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.

Shirou: …

Rin: Yeah, I overslept.

--

Rin: This is the One Ring. Forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom itself.

Shirou: Kiritsugu found it…in Gilgamesh’s cave. What must I do?

Rin: Leave, and leave quickly. Make for the village of Bree. Wait, get down!

*Rin pulls a loli out from the window*

Rin: Confound it all, Illyasviel von Einzbern, have you been eavesdropping?!

Illya: Maaaaaaaaybe?

*Rin pulls on her ear*

Illya: OKAY OKAY I HEARD EVERYTHING JUST STOP!

--

Illya: Just something Rin was saying.

Shirou: What did she say?

Illya: “Don’t you lose him, Illyasviel.” And I don’t mean to.

Shirou: …You’re making that up, aren’t you?

Illya: Yeah, she actually said something more like, “And keep your hands to yourself!”

*Through the thicket Ayako and Taiga crash into them*

Taiga: Shirou~

Illya: …She did not say anything about that, however, so you’re on your own here.

--

Illya: That fellow has done nothing but stare at you for the last hour.

*They look: a figure in a yellow rainjacket is sitting in the corner, green eyes staring out from beneath the hood*

Shirou: Excuse me, who is that?

Innkeeper: One of them rangers. Dangerous folk, wandering about the wild. Don’t know what his name rightly is, but ‘round these parts, they call ‘em Saber.

--

*Shirou accidentally uses the Ring*

Saber: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mister Underhill.

Shirou: Who are you?

Saber: Are you afraid?

Shirou: …Not really. Are you a girl?

Saber: What of it?

*Illya, Ayako, and Taiga charge in. Saber turns and draws…nothing.*

Illya: Wut?

Ayako: Really?

Taiga: AREN’T YOU GONNA DRAW A SWORD?!

Saber: …Brave, little ones.

Ayako: I’m taller than you.

--

*Ringwraiths charge in*

Shirou: Trace, on!

*Shirou charges in back; lead Ringwraith deflects his attack aside and stabs him*

Illya: Oh snap.

*Saber appears and fights with the Ringwraiths*

Lead Ringwraith: Foolish mortals.

*Lead Ringwraith removes his cloak; Avenger stands before them*

Avenger: No man may ki…oh.

*Saber readies her sword*

Avenger: Let’s go, boys!

*Ringwraiths scatter. Saber runs to where Shirou has fallen.*

Saber: Curses, I thought I had my scabbard around here somewhere…

Shirou: It’s all good. I’m fine. Really.

Saber: …Huh.

--

Shirou: Where were you, Tohsaka?

Rin: I was…delayed.

*flashback to Isengard*

Luvia: AGAINST THE POWER OF MORDOR THERE CAN BE NO DEFENSE!

Rin: You just love being a ham, huh? Anyway, I’m outta here. ARCHER!

*Archer appears and they leap off of Isengard together*

Luvia: …Why didn’t she do that, like, a month ago?

--

Kotomine: The strength of men has failed. There is none left that can lead them.

Rin: There is one among them.

--

Shinji: And who are you?

Saber: A friend of Rin Tohsaka.

Shinji: Giggity...so we are here for a common purpose, frien--

Saber: No not really.

--

Shirou: I will take it! I will take the Ring to Mount Enzou I mean Mount Doom. Though...I do not know the way.

Rin: I will help you on this task, Shirou Emiya, for as long as it is yours to bear.

Saber: By my life or death I could protect you...I will. You have my sword.

Archer: And you have my bow.

Lancer: And my lance.

Archer: And my sword. And my other sword. And my axe. And my dagger. And my spear. And my other sword. And—

*Lancer glares*

Shinji: You carry the fate of us all, Emiya-kun.

Illya: AH! Shirou isn't going anywhere without me!

Kotomine: No, indeed, it is highly unlikely to separate you even when he is called to a secret meeting and you are not.

Ayako: Oi! We're coming too!

Taiga: Besides, you need people of intelligence on this sort of...mission. Quest. ...Thing!

Ayako: ...That rules you out, Fujimura-san.

Kotomine: Rejoice! For you shall now be the Fellowship of the Ring!

Taiga: Great! Where are we going?

--

Shinji: Such a strange fate, to be bound by such a little thing.

Saber: Matou, give the Ring back to Shirou.

Shinji: But I want to feel the power, at least once! Can’t you let me just once?

*Shinji goes to unzip his pants; Rin drop-kicks him from behind*

Rin: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

--

Rin: ...Fly you fools!

*falls*

Shirou: Nnn--

Lancer and Archer: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

--

Caster: You are a ring-bearer, Emiya of Swords. To bear a ring of power, is to be alone.

Kuzuki: Caster.

Caster: Souichirou-sama!

*glomp*

Shirou: …

--

Archer: I hate you.

Lancer: Likewise.

Archer: ...But...we both lost Rin.

Lancer: ...Yeah.

*MANLY hug*

--

Shinji: It should've been mine, it could be mine, give it to me!

*Shirou sword spams*

Shinji: ...Nevermind. URGH!

--

Gilgamesh: They stole it from me...mongrels. Now I want it back!

*Gilgamesh sword spams. Shirou copy-sword spams.*

Shirou: Bitch, please.

Gilgamesh: Then I'll take her heart--!

*They both turn to find not Illya, but Berserker in Illya's clothing*

Gilgamesh: WTF?

*Illya Punches Gilgamesh from behind*

Shirou: ...Where the hell did Berserker come from? And why is he wearing your clothes?

--

Archer: Forgive me, I thought you were Luvia.

Rin: I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

Saber: But...you fell.

Rin: ...Magus?

--

Assassin: This forest is my home. Here, let me recite some poetry—

Ayako and Taiga: NO THANKS!

--

Issei: It’s Tohsaka the Fox, my liege. She is a herald to woe.

Rin: Ryuudou-kun, your shoelace is untied.

Issei: I refuse to fall for such an obvious trick!

*Issei slowly looks down, and when he does Lancer swoops around and clocks him lightly on the back of the head*

Rin: Rider, Queen of the Gorgons! Too long have you been within the shadows!

Archer: We sure this isn’t Luvia?

Rin: I HEARD THAT.

Luvia!Rider: You have no power here, Tohsaka the Red Devil!

Rin: Luvia keeps gay porno mags beneath her mattress for emergencies.

Luvia!Rider: HOW DARE YO—

*Rin Kung Fu’s Luvia’s spirit out of Rider*

--

Gilgamesh: Mongrels. They stole it from us. Sneaky Fakers. Wicked. Tricksy. …False. False Fakers. I need new material.

--

Sakura: I would not take this thing if it lay by the wayside.

Shirou: ...Really?

Sakura: Go on with your quest. Here, I have prepared some breakfast to go.

--

Saber: Send out riders, my lord!

Rider: ...Are you making a joke?

Saber: Gondor will help!

Rider: ...r u srs?

--

Assassin: Well, I would help, but I cannot leave this forest.

Taiga: Awright! We’re totally moving this forest then!

*Ayako facepalms*

--

Lancer: Archer! Two already!

Archer: I’m on seventeen.

Lancer: NO EMO KID IS GOING TO OUTSCORE ME—

Archer: Nineteen.

Saber: EX—

*Atop the battlements, golden light*

Saber: —CALIBUR!

*Hundreds of Uruks are vaporized*

Lancer: Well…

Archer: …Shit.

*At the gate, a white horse*

Rider: Ride now! Now for wrath, now for ruin, and a red dawn! BELLEROPHON!

*Another vaporization by the hundreds*

Archer: Dammit, I KNEW I should’ve copied those trick arrow guys with multiple shots at once.

--

Rin: King Rider stands alone.

Stheno: Not alone. Rohirrim!

--

Stheno: Stay away from the trees!

*Uruks run headlong in*

Voice from within the trees: Hiken—Tsubame Gaeshi!

Lancer: …Now that’s just hax.

--

Ayako: I offer you my services, Rider-King.

*Rider gives an evil grin*

--

Gondorian: It’s the Red Devil!

Rin: IMMA GONNA KILL WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT NAME!

*Rin and Taiga approach the throne where Zouken sits*

Rin: Now, Zouken is Shinji’s grandfather or something. He will be somewhat displeased to hear of his heir’s death. Do not speak of Saber. Or of Shirou. In fact, it might be best if you don’t speak at all, Fujimura-sensei.

Taiga: Right!

*As they stand before the steward throne*

Rin: Hail Zouken, son of—

Taiga: Why’d you raise Shinji to be such an ass, anyway?

*Rin facepalms*

--

Sakura: So now you wish our places had been switched, that I had died and Shinji had lived?

Zouken: Yes...I wish that.

Taiga: YOU ASSHOLE I'LL KILL YOU!

--

Gilgamesh: Now, into the cave, where a mongrel belongs.

Shirou: I’ll totally trust you because clearly you have earned my trust so far and I totally don’t have a death wish.

*Illya facepalms*

--

Bedivere: None but the King of Gondor may command me!

Saber: I has an Excalibur, which was Caliburn, the Sword that was Broken.

Bedivere: MY LIEGE!

--

*A shadow stalks them in the cave*

Shirou: Er, on second thought, this is not cool and I want to beat Gilgamesh with my bare hands now.

True Assassin: I'll eat your heart!

Shirou: Uhhhh...damn, I forgot Caster's gift—

Illya: We don't need it. BERSERKER!

*Curbstomps True Assassin*

Shirou: Where do you keep him anyway?

--

*Avenger knocks Rin down*

Avenger: Foolish little girl, no man may—

*He pauses*

Avenger: I think I hear Rohirrim charging. Off I go!

Rin: Idiot.

--

Rider: Ride now! Ride now! Ride for ruin and the world's ending! BELLEROPHON!

*Orcs die by the thousands*

--

Rin: Stay this madness!

Zouken: Madness? THIS. IS—

*Taiga pushes him off the Minas Tirith plinth*

Taiga: SCREW YOU!

--

Orc: Late as usual, pirate scum! C’mon, there be knife work that needs doing!

*Saber, Lancer, and Archer leap from the boats*

Orc: …How were you able to steer those things?

Saber: Riding skill. If it moves, I can ride it.

*Lancer and Archer start snickering*

Saber: …Must we, in the middle of battle?

Lancer: There's plenty for the both of us, may the best Irishman win!

*They charge, Orcs start dying; Archer Caladbolgs a Mumakil*

Lancer: THAT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!

--

Avenger: Foolish mortal. No man can kill me—

*Pause. Avenger looks at Euryale, then to Ayako, then at rapidly approaching Saber*

Avenger: ...Oh. Dammit, this is totally a lame invulnerability!

Caren: Our forces are being driven away, Avenger. Why don't we flee and go have rabid sex in the hills instead?

Avenger: I am totally okay with this.

--

Euryale: I've got to save you.

Rider: You already have.

--

Saber: Long have you hunted me. Long have I eluded you. No more. BEHOLD THE SWORD OF THE LADY OF THE LAKE!

*Sauron shows images of Shirou in captivity and in pain*

Saber: WE CHARGE THEIR GATE TOMORROW.

--

Illya: I can't carry it for you...and I really can't carry you. Berserker!

*Shirou is picked up*

Shirou: I'll walk, I'll walk!

Gilgamesh: Mongrels...to climb so high!

*Berserker does delaying action on Gilgamesh as Shirou and Illya make it to the mountain*

Illya: Destroy it! Throw it into the fire!

Shirou: ...No. The Ring is mine! I shall use it to propose to Saber...or Rin...or even that cute Sakura we met a while back...

Illya: Noooooooo, Shirou is mine!

Gilgamesh: Mongrels, this is mine. Now I shall use it to propose to Sab—

*Ash from the mountain lands on his jacket, and when he distractedly brushes it off, trips and falls into the pit*

Shirou: I FORGOT I CAN COPYPASTE A RING LOL LETS GO HOME.




--

Cast

Frodo - Shirou
Gandalf - Rin
Bilbo - Kiritsugu
Sam - Illya
Sam's backpack - Berserker?
Pippen - Taiga
Merry - Ayako
Aragorn - Saber
Witch-King - Avenger
Saruman - Luvia
Elrond - Kotomine
Legolas - Archer
Gimli - Lancer
Boromir - Shinji
Galadriel - Caster
Celeborn - Kuzuki
Gollum - Gilgamesh
Treebeard and the Huons - Assassin
Wormtongue - Issei
Theoden - Rider
Faramir - Sakura
Eomer- Stheno
Denethor - Zouken
King of the Dead - Bedivere
Shelob - True Assassin
Gothmog - Caren
Eowyn - Euryale

Alulim
September 12th, 2011, 03:19 PM
...Shirou copypastes the ring, everyone happy.

fraggle
September 12th, 2011, 03:28 PM
Shirou: I FORGOT I CAN COPYPASTE A RING LOL LETS GO HOME.


BEST...ENDING......EVER!


so did he marry all the girls in the end?

Sherrinford
September 12th, 2011, 03:30 PM
I surrender.

This was too much win.

Neir
September 12th, 2011, 03:30 PM
Too many lulz to quote. BEAUTIFUL.

Keyne
September 12th, 2011, 03:30 PM
HOLY FUCK! THIS WAS AMAZING!!!!

xelloss
September 12th, 2011, 03:34 PM
I especially loved Avenger constantly running away.

fraggle
September 12th, 2011, 03:39 PM
And in the end Avenger did get a (sexy) good end, instead of dieing at the hands of a woman and a midget stabbing him in the leg.


GJ Avenger, and good luck!

SeiKeo
September 12th, 2011, 04:04 PM
Oh god, and I died happy.

Theocrass
September 12th, 2011, 04:27 PM
AVENGER CANNOT DEFEAT WOMEN AND CHILDREN

THE LULZ! THEY ARE OVERWHELMING ME

Heh. I really liked this one.

Oh sure, some of the humor was a little stale. But most of it was great, side-splitting fun.

So I must say: Bravo sir, bravo!

Bki
September 12th, 2011, 04:29 PM
This is Epic.

Froggie
September 12th, 2011, 05:39 PM
Oh, Arashi. If I weren't devoted to Fishie then I would totally fall for you.

ItsaRandomUsername
September 12th, 2011, 07:01 PM
I have no idea what I just read....but it was glorious.

Tracer
September 12th, 2011, 10:11 PM
This. Is. Amazing.

ItsaRandomUsername
September 12th, 2011, 10:15 PM
The Sam-expys never get an not-quite-Frodo lovin'.

Five_X
September 12th, 2011, 10:30 PM
Oh, man, this is beautiful. A true work of art, mon ami!

Now we need a full-length novelisation!

Techlet
September 12th, 2011, 11:07 PM
I love you forever, Arashi.

Keyne
September 13th, 2011, 02:11 AM
I have no idea what I just read....but it was glorious.
You just read God.

Arashi_Leonhart
September 13th, 2011, 02:36 AM
Just to be clear, someone over on FFN brought up the question who Caren is supposed to represent: Gothmog (http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110816002920/lotr/images/f/f2/Gothmog_smiling.jpg) the field marshal for the Mordor forces at Pelennor. In the books, implied to be a Ringwraith, but in the movies, an orc. Caren is an orc, you heard it here first.

ItsaRandomUsername
September 13th, 2011, 02:37 AM
Odd. I would have expected her to be a troll.

:3

Keyne
September 13th, 2011, 02:42 AM
Odd. I would have expected her to be a troll.

:3
Trolls don't speak in LotR. ;A;

Arashi_Leonhart
September 13th, 2011, 02:49 AM
Trolls don't speak in LotR. ;A;

In the films, anyway. The ones in The Hobbit argue over how best to eat Bilbo and the dwarves.

Keyne
September 13th, 2011, 03:12 AM
In the films, anyway. The ones in The Hobbit argue over how best to eat Bilbo and the dwarves.
Ah, yes, those guys. And then they got stoned!

Arashi_Leonhart
September 13th, 2011, 03:14 AM
Hobbit weed. Dulls the minds of even great wizards.

logiccosmic
September 13th, 2011, 04:04 AM
Damn, I wanted more Far S-

*reads*

*Head asplodes*

Keyne
September 13th, 2011, 04:06 AM
Hobbit weed. Dulls the minds of even great wizards.
Actually.. I was thinking about the sunrise that turned them to stone... but that also works!

Cypher27
September 13th, 2011, 02:03 PM
LOL I don't have words to describe this.

Stormedge
September 13th, 2011, 02:34 PM
Oh wow. This is good.

Mike1984
September 15th, 2011, 07:55 AM
Who is Sakura supposed to be here, exactly?

I mean, I'm sure I recall the daughter of "Zouken" going off and fighting at some point, or at least having more involvement than one tiny paragraph....

ringlhach
September 15th, 2011, 08:20 AM
Faromir (sp), one of Denethor's sons. You know, Boromir's brother.

shiningphoenix
September 15th, 2011, 08:27 AM
Who is Sakura supposed to be here, exactly?
Faramir.

EDIT: Ninja'd; need to improve agility parameter.

Mike1984
September 15th, 2011, 09:09 AM
Isn't Faramir male?

shiningphoenix
September 15th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Isn't Faramir male?
So?
Isn't Aragorn?
Isn't Gandalf?
Isn't Sam?
Rider replaces a male character too.

Sherrinford
September 15th, 2011, 09:12 AM
^^ * almost facepalm *

^ exactly.

Mike1984
September 15th, 2011, 09:22 AM
True, but those other characters are at least important. Sakura's character seems to have been chosen solely because Shinji was Boromir....

fraggle
September 15th, 2011, 11:53 AM
Well, He probably needed someone to kill of at 1/3 of the story so Shinji became boromir, thus making Sakura an obvious choice for Faramir. Thats why Sakura was not given a major role, but thats just bad luck.


You could always write your own version if you want.......................

Mike1984
September 15th, 2011, 12:00 PM
Well, Shinji being Boromir makes sense, but I don't see why Sakura has to be related to him. I mean, she's Rin's sister canonically, not Shinji's, at least not by birth. Plus, why should Sakura's designation be decided by Shinji and not the other way around?

SeiKeo
September 15th, 2011, 12:06 PM
Probably because Shinji's role was decided first, because that's where his mind went.

deviatesfish
September 15th, 2011, 12:14 PM
Illya is gay for Shirou?

fraggle
September 15th, 2011, 01:51 PM
Nah, thy are just BFF :P

Techlet
September 15th, 2011, 02:10 PM
More like friends with benefits.

Arashi_Leonhart
September 15th, 2011, 02:23 PM
I went Faramir = Sakura because I needed Shirou to encounter Sakura somewhere down the line for the "who will I marry?" joke at the end. It just naturally fit that Denethor would be Zouken and say nasty things to her, and Shinji = Boromir actually came after that.

Really, don't read too much into it. This is supposed to be funny, not logical. Also, "Isn't so and so male?" is an inane question, since there are all of four female characters in LotR if you include the spider and FSN has waaaaaay more than that.

Mike1984
September 15th, 2011, 02:26 PM
I went Faramir = Sakura because I needed Shirou to encounter Sakura somewhere down the line for the "who will I marry?" joke at the end. It just naturally fit that Denethor would be Zouken and say nasty things to her, and Shinji = Boromir actually came after that.

I see....


Really, don't read too much into it. This is supposed to be funny, not logical. Also, "Isn't so and so male?" is an inane question, since there are all of four female characters in LotR if you include the spider and FSN has waaaaaay more than that.

Fair enough, I'd just like her to have a bit more of a role....

Neir
September 15th, 2011, 02:30 PM
SHOCK.

ringlhach
September 15th, 2011, 02:36 PM
Faramir actually does have an important role, in a way- he's the one who finds and detains Gollum on the way to Mordor. He's also the one member of the Steward's family who doesn't snap; his seeming mortal wound drives his father the rest of the way off the deep end and almost damning the city/country/whatever. He's also really close with whichever of the hobbits didn't stay in Rohan- the one who got stupid and played with the palantir, but I can't remember which of the two it was beyond that.

EDIT: It was Peregrin Took (Pippin). Thought so.

Arashi_Leonhart
September 15th, 2011, 02:46 PM
Which also worked out perfectly since I put Taiga as Pippen and she ended up yelling at Zouken and all.

Kratosirving
November 2nd, 2011, 01:12 PM
Lil necro, BUT HOW THE HELL DID I MISS THIS AWESOMENESS??!!!

shiningphoenix
November 2nd, 2011, 01:20 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/250mafa.jpg

Omegastar
November 2nd, 2011, 06:11 PM
^ Do you have a stockpile of that pic Phoenix?

Keyne
November 2nd, 2011, 06:15 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/250mafa.jpg
Except when she's not, right Shirou?

RadiantBeam
November 2nd, 2011, 06:27 PM
*dead from awesome*

Theocrass
November 2nd, 2011, 06:30 PM
BEAM-CHAN!

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU U

shiningphoenix
November 2nd, 2011, 06:36 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/zmfke8.jpg

If you didn't know the context of this picture, you might think it was an innocent reference to Gandalf.


^ Do you have a stockpile of that pic Phoenix?
I make them as needed

RadiantBeam
November 2nd, 2011, 06:38 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/zmfke8.jpg

*revived by the awesome*

Ergast
November 2nd, 2011, 07:56 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/zmfke8.jpg


Gil felt the effect of this. By proxy, but he felt it.

shiningphoenix
November 2nd, 2011, 09:47 PM
http://i44.tinypic.com/wgsx2q.jpg

Counterguardian
November 3rd, 2011, 12:52 AM
http://memegenerator.net/cache/instances/400x/10/10861/11122177.jpg

EXiku
November 3rd, 2011, 06:27 AM
*applauds*

Good show! I love the mental image of Bedivere shrieking "My Liege!"...may I draw it?

Arashi_Leonhart
November 3rd, 2011, 04:10 PM
I will not stop anyone from doing anything related to my fanfiction, whether artwork, jumping off ideas, or making fun of it. The point of being on here is to have fun, right?

EXiku
November 4th, 2011, 06:12 AM
I just like to ask permission...I'm just inappropriately polite that way :) I will totally link to this when I get the time to draw.

DreamsRequiem
November 4th, 2011, 09:04 AM
...this is still awesome.