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lantzblades
March 16th, 2011, 02:43 PM
Scene one: learning to love yourself

I can’t believe this. That guy who says he’s Emiya’s kid tosses me in here with this woman and casually announces that she’s a female version of me. I mean sure the hair and eyes maybe a bit but otherwise no way. A relative ok but me?

No way. I mean if I were a girl then I suppose having such a figure would be about right considering how fabulous I am.

“Uh…Shinji, right?” she chirps with an uneven voice.

“Yeah?” I reply

“Um well. I know what you’re thinking and I thought that it couldn’t be true but he’s right. we’re the same person except that our genders are reversed. Um can I ask? You had to subdue Sakurai too, right?” she stumbles over her words.

“Well yeah. The old man made me do it at first but I kinda kept at it because of my own demons. Emiya kinda beat the shit out of me for it when he found out though so I’m not about to say I haven’t paid for it” I answer scanning the barren room save for the couch we’re sitting on.

“So I guess you were the aggressor then?” she continues.

“yeah” I answer simply.

“Could you be gentle?” she asks a strange question.

“Yea I suppose but why would I be? Sakura took my birth right from me and couldn’t be bothered to tell me” I reply raising an eyebrow

“I meant with me”

“I um…what?” I stumble out dumbfounded by her statement.

Shinjiko slides on to my lap smiling. “Satoshi healed me so I’m a virgin again. Who better to trust my first time with then myself?”

“pfft get real” I scoff feeling the heat in my cheeks.

“I am real” she replies gliding her hand to my crotch. “And it looks like this guy wants it too. So come on”

Before I can protest she strips my belt and shoves my face into ample chest. “Relax Onii-chan I’ll make you feel really good.” she tells me slipping her hand around my shaft stroking it softly.

I can’t protest, she’s too good and she’s barely touched me. “Take your breasts out.”

She smiles dripping sexual confidence. “Oh. Do you want to play with my chest Onii-chan?”

“yeah” I mutter. Damn this girl I can’t get a hold of any ground.

She unbuttons the familiar girls uniform shirt from school exposing a pair of tits that would make Rider jealous.

“Go on Onii-chan as long as it’s you I don’t mind. Do as you like.” She spurs me forward rubbing my thick heat faster.

I thrust me face into her melon patch and begin sucking and tonguing her nipples hard and fast causing her to moan loudly and change her strokes to long slow ones.

“Would you like me to polish your big rod?” she asks stealing a kiss as a bit of drool runs from her mouth.

I nod without feeling it as if I’m outside my body. She slides down striping my pants off as she grips my member tightly.

She licks her lips. “mmm hmhm. It looks tasty Onii-chan I want it all” Her smile teases me until she swallows it to the base in one go.

I’m in shock. Sakura’s in pain when I do that but this girl seems perfectly at home even as she licks my balls with my cock all the way down her throat. Her attentions only get stronger with each moment. My dick feels like it’ll dissolve in her throat and disappear but suddenly she becomes incredibly rough swirling her tongue around my member and sucking hard enough that I lose sensation everywhere on my body except where she’s attending.

She pulls off my heat suddenly with a sloppy wet noise causing me to explode drenching her face and tits with my hot seed. Her eyes glaze over and she stares at me if in a trance.

“O-onii-chan’s cum…it’s so hot and strong” she mutters cleaning herself off swallowing every drop she can before engulfing my magic stick between her pillowy soft love mounds.

“I’ll make you good and hard again, just relax.” She says caressing my thickness with her massive fun bags. Her attention is so much better then Sakura’s. I’ve been an idiot consensual sex is awesome.

She swallows the tip greedily and sucks until I’m at full attention then lifts off and stands up removing her panties. Shinjiko smiles and bends over spreading her wet exposed slit with two fingers.

“Here Onii-chan, go on however you want to” she tells me.

It’s a different kind of submission and despite my mind not wanting to give in and let her be in charge my body moves on it’s only slipping my throbbing rod into her soft hole as I grasp her hips.

For a moment I’m paralyzed until Shinjiko’s soft moan reaches my ears. Promptly want to hear more of that velvety smooth, cute voice I begin thrusting hard, one hand grabbing her wrist as I caress her stiff nipples with the other.

My lovely partner doesn’t resist one bit instead working to make it better. God I can’t believe I wasted all that time forcing it on Sakura when this is so much better.

She begins to scream drooling slightly.

“come on Onii-chan. You’re a big man do me harder! Harder now!” she screams.

I can’t help but comply when her eyes look back at me with such lust. I continue thrusting inside her as the couch we’re on creeks loudly.

“Ahhhh. That’s it, more, more. Fuck me with your hot meat stick!” her screams get loud until finally I release inside her and she collapses into my arms with a content sigh just before the couch breaks completely and we’re left on the floor in a sticky satisfying mess.

End of scene

Scene two:

I wake up in bed naked staring at an unfamiliar ceiling and slowly remember that I’m staying with Shiki at the Tohno mansion. As I sit up I kind Kohaku at my bed side. Her amber eyes and soft red hair are very easy on the eyes but from what I read I feel guilty thinking that way.

“You shouldn’t, cute girls like to be complimented” she states as if reading my mind.

“Ah well ok I think you’re very beautiful Kohaku-s” I’m cut off as she clamps her hand for my mouth.

“I told you just Kohaku Toshi-kun!” she says in a stern voice.

“Right” I reply awkwardly.

“Yes well thank you for the compliment, coming from you I know it’s not a plot to get anything.” She says grabbing my arm. “hold still, you passed out earlier. Akiha-sama asked me to treat you.”

I nod compliantly. It’s a little odd I remember Kohaku being casual when in private; I suppose she wants me to know it’s officially from Akiha.

Kohaku gently dabs my arm to disinfect the area and injects me with a bluish liquid.

Suddenly I feel heavy and she injects me again this time with an off yellow substance. I fall back to the bed and there’s a sudden pain before the face of Dark Saber appears in my view.

“Do not hate her, kohaku and I both really wanted this” she says striping off my clothes and pulling me to a sitting position.

My vision is blurry and I’m a bit dizzy but I can’t concentrate on flush out whatever Kohaku put in me. The Alter Saber’s golden eyes are all I can see as a warm sensation meets my lips.

I try to protest as she releases me but she only slips her tongue inside my throat roughly to quiet me.

“It is not often a king comes to their subjects like this young one. So obey me for I demand it.” She states firmly taking soft grip of my manhood and stroking it slowly.

“Please bear with us Toshi-kun. You’ve helped me so I wanted to do like you said and help Saber. And to be honest I want to love you as well.” Kohaku says kissing me gently.

Alter undresses as she finishes making me rise to attention. Her body is small but sensual despite my other feelings. Saber sits on my lap, her soft pink lips grazing my thick heat.

If I have no choice then I’d best to enjoy it. “Saber if you aren’t going to prepare me properly then I will make this the worst sex you’ll ever have.” I state with surprising clarity.

Alter twitches. “Very well, Kohaku prepare him.” She orders unseating herself.

Kohaku’s beautiful amber eyes meet mine as she gets on her knees naked and softly grips my member kissing it sweetly before swallowing it bit by bit starting with tip until she reaches the mid point of my throbbing heat.

Before I can tell her she doesn’t have to do it she starts sucking vigorously while stroking and caressing my shaft and balls.

Unable to hold back as she stares into my eyes I let my load out in her small mouth. Kohaku swallows without hesitation smiling at me as she licks her lips. I can’t help but stiffen to an almost painful hardness at her and without warning my body pulls Kohaku up onto my lap.

Kohaku blushes slightly and alter frowns.

“what are you doing?! You’re prepared now service your king!” she shouts.

“Kohaku prepared me and so she gets the first taste of my service. I may be your subject my that’s no excuse for treating me poorly, as punishment you’ll wait for your turn” I reply.

Alter stares for a moment before frowning deeply. “Very well” she says accepting my seriousness.

Kohaku looks embarrassed for a moment probably surprised I can protest through the haze. We exchange awkward smiles as she slowly eases her wet warmth to grip my tip.

Lowering herself she grips tightly around my chest burying her face into my neck. Her emotions slowly blossoming like this are fantastically cute.

She squeaks in surprise as takes me in completely, I’d imagine I’m rather big for a women who hasn’t been active for such a time.

“Are you alright?” I whisper gently.

She nods “don’t worry about me Toshi-kun, this was my choice after all. However please let me take the lead in this”

“As you wish” I reply lying back on the bed.

Kohaku’s gentle smile returns as she places her hands on my chest and arches back slightly beginning to ride me.

Kohaku moans softly giving a low growl as she comes down to sheathe me again and continues in kind until her body collapses against mine as she cums with a sigh. I didn’t cum inside her but that’s fine with me, kohaku needs to take it slow and her mouth more then makes up for it, that aside there’s saber.

I shouldn’t but I told her she’d get to …of course the fact I’m drugged up probably has a lot to do with that. I gently lift kohaku off my swollen member and place her on the bed and turn to Saber and motion to the door.

Saber leaves and I softly caress kohaku’s cheek. “Get some rest”

I exit quietly and join Saber who’s looking at me somewhat cross.

“Shower” I state taking her wrist and dragging her. She fights it until I pick her naked ass up and carry her to the shower.

“unhand me” she demands in an angry tone before I kiss her openly on the mouth stunning her.

“This will be your only chance to sheathe my sword. King or not I shall not have to disrespect me.” I tell her shutting the bathroom door.

She smirks and pushes me against the bathroom door narrowing her eyes.

“And I will not respect the weak. If you want my respect then prove you body’s worth child.” She responds kissing me hard biting my lip as she pulls away and steps into the shower turning it on.

I step inside. The water is nearly boiling hot.

“That’s it come on and endure for your king” she says smiling as she bends over and spreads herself with two fingers.

Stepping through the heat I see her soft pinkness waiting for me. I Shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I grab her hips with one hand and ease my thick heat inside with the other.

Plunged to the hilt inside her softness our eyes meet as she readjusts to face me. “You are shameful child to be doing such as this but none the less magnificent physically. Come drench my insides with your power and wipe my mind of all but your taste and smell.” She tells me wrapping her legs around my waist.

Wet as we are our bodies slide together and apart easily I’ve no need for effort to bury myself deep inside her hotness. Our bodies are in perfect unison clenching and throbbing together as a string of saliva separates our rough playful kisses.

Alter cums collapsing against me forcing me to release myself inside her womanhood. She nips my ear. “I am pleased my knight, we should do this again sometime soon.”

Scene three

Satsuki’s plea that Arcuied having Shiki all to herself was a sympathetic one but all the same we agreed that she stood on chance by herself. The next day she came back with Sion who while I’m new to meeting under very well and rather exceptional cute. Although that may be because I used irrelevant statistical data to out math her and she blew her top.

Sion stated that while she hates the idea of drinking blood my power coupled with Avalon should be able to restore her after the fight with Arc. I grilled her to make sure she wasn’t being desperate and after confirming she was at least in theory right I agreed to allow Satsu and her to feed on me.

Being an idiot I didn’t question why they brought me to Ciel’s place. And so the current situation where Sion is holding Ciel’s arms in a lock forcing the battle nun to straddle me while Satsuki paws at my chest and feeds on me has come to pass.

“Damn it Satoshi you idiot how could you fall for this?” Ciel shouts.

“We never tricked him he agreed to help us, you should too after all you think the true ancestor selfishly keeping Shiki to herself is wrong as well.” Sion pipes up.

Satsuki releases me licking the blood from her lips. “Please help us Senpai, surely even if we have to share Tohno-kun it’s better then nothing at all like now. And Satoshi gets Arc everybody wins.” She pleads giving Ciel sensual kiss causing the battle nun to blush.

Ciel looks thoughtful for a second. “What about you? These two feeding is one thing but to empower me we’d have to…” she asks trailing off.

“Have sex” I finish for her “I yes I’m ok with it, to be honest Ciel both senpai and otherwise intrigues me.” I admit feeling my cheeks flair.

Ciel’s face reddens in response. “I-is t-that s-so?” she asks startled.

Before I can answer Satsuki kisses me and then Ciel in short order “Could you taste him? He’s good isn’t he? Sweet like strawberries” she asks.

Ciel is completely out of it redder then Sensei’s hair and taking the opportunity Sion and Satsuki undress her and slide her back onto my lap naked.

Ciel snaps back to her senses as my thickness grazes her lust soaked thighs. “Y-you’re rather big Satoshi.” She comments nervously.

I kiss her gently pulling her to me so our stomachs touch. “It’ll fit” I assure her calmly stealing another kiss. Ciel is off kilter letting me slowly explore her body her stiffness giving way bit by bit to my warm hands.

I lie back smiling but before Ciel can sheathe me Sion takes over and begins licking my member softly as Satsuki plays with Ciel’s breasts gently from behind.

Ciel’s eyes focus on me as if to say help, so I do and pull Satsuki off her and give the vampire school girl my wrist instead. Satsuki takes it sinking lovingly into my flesh drinking slowly of my life essence. Ciel pulls forward into her breasts as a thank you and I let a moan escape my lips as Sion swallows my seed in a slow and noisy manner and pulls away rising to my neck and nipping into it.

Ciel’s hand trails down my chest and then takes hold of my swollen heat and slowly impales herself on my sword all the way to the hilt. The vampire girls pin me to the bed Satsuki wanting more then my wrist and caress my chest taking turns at my neck as the other blood drinker kisses my lips and chest tenderly.

All the while Ciel rides me without restraint. It becomes hard to focus as I let out two thick volleys of my hot seed inside the lovely blue haired girl.

Slipping into sleep as Ciel collapses holding me I awaken to find a naked Arc in bed with me with a note reading “we won, have fun and change the sheets when you’re finished”

I laugh inwardly looking forward to the time I’ll have with Arc.


end of scene 3

so yeah this was just a few of the scenes i was working on before the move. tell me what you think and all that. more "mega" packs including a rewrite pack coming soon.

Mike1984
March 16th, 2011, 06:53 PM
Hmm, the scenes are pretty good, but you really need to get someone to beta-read for you for grammar, punctuation etc., because some of it is nigh-on unreadable.

Erlkonig
March 16th, 2011, 07:02 PM
Where is the seafood? THIS IS NOT TYPE-MOON SEX WITHOUT THE OCEANIC PORN

ItsaRandomUsername
March 16th, 2011, 07:15 PM
At least there is Sion.

lantzblades
March 16th, 2011, 07:23 PM
Hmm, the scenes are pretty good, but you really need to get someone to beta-read for you for grammar, punctuation etc., because some of it is nigh-on unreadable.

Which one is particularly bad for that?


Where is the seafood? THIS IS NOT TYPE-MOON SEX WITHOUT THE OCEANIC PORN

it's not type moon sex. it's lemony goodness involving the type moon characters. the comedy is elsewhere.


At least there is Sion.

did I pull off a decent version of her? or was that crap?

Mike1984
March 16th, 2011, 07:27 PM
Which one is particularly bad for that?

I don't think any one was worse than the others, honestly.

Erlkonig
March 16th, 2011, 07:29 PM
...Ouch.

Mike1984
March 16th, 2011, 07:31 PM
What?

I didn't say the whole thing was unreadable, just that there were some bits in all three that have very poor grammar etc.

lantzblades
March 16th, 2011, 07:37 PM
What?

I didn't say the whole thing was unreadable, just that there were some bits in all three that have very poor grammar etc.

yes but not pointing out the one that seems worse for it is kinda douchey. I mean if you point out the one that's worst i can, y'know improve.

Keyne
March 16th, 2011, 07:44 PM
The second one has loose words and a few letters eaten here and there. Ah, also mark the ends and beginnings in bold.

lantzblades
March 16th, 2011, 07:55 PM
The second one has loose words and a few letters eaten here and there. Ah, also mark the ends and beginnings in bold.

thank you very much Keyne

that helps a lot.

Mike1984
March 16th, 2011, 08:17 PM
yes but not pointing out the one that seems worse for it is kinda douchey.

Well, honestly I didn't post that whilst reading them, so I couldn't recall exactly where the issues were.


I mean if you point out the one that's worst i can, y'know improve.

Well, really, all three of them need work in that respect. Thinking about it, though, Keyne is probably right. I think that it was indeed the second one that had the biggest issues.

ringlhach
March 17th, 2011, 02:03 AM
Another grammar thing, and one of my pet peeves: when a sentence someone is saying would end with a period, but your sentence continues, a comma is generally placed inside the quotation marks. Most of the time, there was nothing there.

Kotonoha
March 17th, 2011, 04:21 AM
Yeah, your main issue is commas. I remember when I was editing that one chapter for you once, almost all of the edits I made were adding commas. Without commas in the right places, things can sound kind of robotic, like there's absolutely no pauses in a sentence or something.

PS: Delicious Shinjiko om nom nom :3

Mike1984
March 17th, 2011, 10:26 AM
Yeah, Koto is right there. The one major issue with your writing is that you massively underuse commas and, like Koto says, it makes it sound "robotic".

Tobias
March 17th, 2011, 10:38 AM
finding a good beta or editing your own work can be a tall order, espcially if you are like me, but, on a positive note, its good to see real forward momentum eh? don't take the criticism to harshly.

eddyak
March 17th, 2011, 11:09 AM
finding a good beta can be a tall order
*Stands around looking like a good beta reader with nothing to do*

lantzblades
March 17th, 2011, 04:05 PM
Yeah, your main issue is commas. I remember when I was editing that one chapter for you once, almost all of the edits I made were adding commas. Without commas in the right places, things can sound kind of robotic, like there's absolutely no pauses in a sentence or something.

PS: Delicious Shinjiko om nom nom :3

commas. you know why I avoid them? when i took programing in school they told me to never use commas in code. I guess it carried through. well thanks for the tip and i hope you liked Shinjiko despite the literary problems.


*Stands around looking like a good beta reader with nothing to do*

well if you're offering Eddy I have a scene i'm working on with Rider and Aoko that i can send when it's finished.

Mike1984
March 17th, 2011, 04:08 PM
commas. you know why I avoid them? when i took programing in school they told me to never use commas in code.

Yeah, I have a feeling that taking English language writing advice from computer programming lessons is probably not exactly the best idea ever... :p

eddyak
March 17th, 2011, 04:30 PM
well if you're offering Eddy I have a scene i'm working on with Rider and Aoko that i can send when it's finished.
I-It-It's not like I was offering to help you or anything, but since you insist...



Rider/Aoko... fapfapfapfapfap

Keyne
March 17th, 2011, 04:32 PM
I-It-It's not like I was offering to help you or anything, but since you insist...



Rider/Aoko... fapfapfapfapfap
Tsundere -> Fapdere? Brilliant! :|

Kotonoha
March 17th, 2011, 06:16 PM
I'm imagining the programming courses Lantz took that would cause an avoidance of commas altogether.

"NEVER USE COMMAS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"Y-yes, si--"
"I SAID NO COMMAS! *punch*"

eddyak
March 17th, 2011, 06:58 PM
I'm imagining the programming courses Lantz took that would cause an avoidance of commas altogether.

"NEVER USE COMMAS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"Y-yes, si--"
"I SAID NO COMMAS! *punch*"
We had an ICT teacher a little like this back at our old school. Except he was a drunk who got pissed off at the slightest thing, and once grabbed a chair with a kid still on it, lifted it over his head and threatened to knock another kid out with it.

Then he transferred to my cousin's school, and oh hilarity, the moment he got there, their grades fell through the floor into the rat-infested basement.