View Full Version : It's Judging Time! (Part 1 Humor)

March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
The final results of the contest can be found here. I'll put up a table of contents to help keep it clean.

Dark Pulse:

A Day at the Pool
Change Its Spots
Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely
Unlimited Rule Breaks (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=669059&viewfull=1#post669059)

Ace (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=670910&viewfull=1#post670910):


A Day at the Pool (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=672719&viewfull=1#post672719)

Change Its Spots (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=672722&viewfull=1#post672722)

Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=672723&viewfull=1#post672723)

Unlimited Rule Breaks (http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread.php/1829-It-s-Judging-Time!-(Part-1-Humor)?p=672724&viewfull=1#post672724)

March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
Review by Dark Pulse

“A Day At The Pool”

Humor - #3

- Kotomine ripping people off not once, but twice.
- Sakura's half-hearted “cheering” of Shinji.
- Saber's stomach cramps.
- Kotomine's utter indifference to anything going on.
- The Bill.

- A few missed punctuation marks here and there.
- Consistency: Shirou knows it's Archer before it's “announced.”
- How does Lancer know about Archer's quirks (and vice versa?)
- Not very funny overall.

- Shirou is taller than Rin. How can he be “eye level” with her chest?
- Rin usually should be calling Shirou “Emiya-kun.” It's not until well into F/SN she identifies him as Shirou, owing to Japanese levels of familiarity.

Technically, the writing itself wasn't too bad. Everyone is (more or less) in approximate character, and while there's nagging personal things like name order, that can be overlooked. The biggest flaws are that there was at least one case of missing punctuation, and that some conversations really depend on context for whom is actually speaking; there's exchanges done without any real “immediate” knowledge of who is talking, until something actually happens. Other than that, nothing really bad on technicals caught my eyes. At the same time, nothing really good caught them, either.

CONCEPT: 10/20
Well, the concept is an alright one, if not more or less ripped off straight from Carnival Phantasm. Everyone goes to a pool party, held by the ever-bored Kotomine who's no doubt hoping they kill each other off. It's nothing special, aside from Kotomine trying to rip every one of them off. There's really not much more to describe in terms of concept, since its humor derives from the scenes of gags rather than the story itself. In other words, basically Carnival Phantasm in text form – but if I want that, I can just watch that. It's not something that really is easily replicated into text.

In terms of flow, the story flows fine. However, there's also nothing really “there” to connect to. One thing that stuck out really badly to me was that when Archer showed up, Shirou knew who he was – even though he was surprised, just moments before, at Rin being a master. There's also some issues with character name convention (Rin calls Shirou “Shirou” once, when at this point she isn't quite that familiar with him) that make it sound like the Author didn't remember this story was supposed to be taking place before Heaven's Feel 5 ever broke out.

Decidedly average score here. The “pool party” theme is somewhat bread-and-butter, and while adequate, it's just that and little more. The setting ultimately serves just to set up gags which, aside from a few, could be done in almost any setting whatsoever. The extra point comes from the fact that a few of those gags do need to use that setup; otherwise, there's nothing remarkable, good or bad, in terms of uniqueness.

OVERALL: 11/20
The problem with this story is really not a technical one, nor a setting one. The problem is that, really, it wasn't very funny. There were a few scattered moments I liked (Kotomine's ripping people off and his utter indifference to everything going on, Saber's untimely cramp, Sakura's half-hearted cheering of Shinji) but really, some grand opportunities for humor were passed up. For example, Hassan shows up... but not Zouken. I immediately thought “Man, it would've been great if he showed up here.” But he didn't – which makes me wonder if the author was actually writing, or just ripping off gags and putting them down in text. The last third of the fic goes into battles and takes itself somewhat seriously, and so the author ended up veering from the path of humor. For a story which was essentially a setup for a series of one-shot gags (with the occasional continual humor), this is a really bad flaw. Ultimately, that's what makes this story fall flat – potential humor not followed.


March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
Review by Dark Pulse

“Change Its Spots”
Humor - #2

- Generally different setting from most fics

- Not exactly funny
- Rather short

- N/A

Not bad overall in terms of technicals. The only real parts I had fault with was a brief exchange of dialogue where it's just dialogue (granted, that's possibly nitpicky and fairly obvious who is talking, but I felt there could've been a little bit of description in at least one of those lines) and some slightly iffy phrasing in a spot or two (“Probably his Master...” should've probably been “His Master probably...”). Other than that, no real complaints; everything else seems spot on.

CONCEPT: 10/20
Well, the concept is simple, but short: Ryuunosuke manages to run into Zero Lancer and somehow drag him to a bar, all the whole thinking as that serial killer mindset would. It's kind of nice to see how he's thinking all the while of just gutting him, and I think it's even more interesting to see how Zero Lancer pretty much plays the game with him. That said... that's it. Nothing really happens.

It's a pretty interesting concept, and bravo for tackling a Fate/Zero story – I just wish it would've gone on for another 8-13 pages. It's kind of hard to convey a story into two pages, as it feels like it's over before it really began. I, for one, would've liked to see what happened when they met for a fatal battle; see if Zero Lancer would've used those lances on him... also, a few points get docked off here for putting it in the “humor” category – none of it was really what I'd call humor.

The setting will definitely set it apart from most fics in this contest, as will its choice of protagonist(s). I think you captured Ryuunosuke's mind pretty well, though at the same time, I'm only judging it on two pages. Still, bravo for taking a lesser-used part of the Fate canon – and then not going for the characters most who would choose that canon would use.

OVERALL: 13/20
Overall, it's not a bad story, except on three real fronts. One, again, this thing is just too darn short. The story was over before it began, and I was pretty disappointed that I literally read it in about a minute and a half. Two, it simply wasn't funny. Small bits like Ryuunosuke singing while on his way for a stroll are stuff that, at best, will crack a small smile, but definitely not anything that'll make anyone actually laugh. And three, what little humor there was was all but gone halfway through the first page. The last thing that can be construed as “joke” was Bluebeard eating dead children souls, or maybe him bumping into Zero Lancer. If it were longer, and either more funny or more honed on the drama part, I could see this getting a notably higher score. As it is, the best it will reach, in my view, is “okay, but not much else.”


March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
Review by Dark Pulse

“Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely”

- N/A

- Kind of short
- May not be appreciated by certain sections of the fanbase

- N/A

There really wasn't anything wrong in terms of technicals aside from a few sentences spoke where maybe more action could have been described. Mostly Sakura does this, but Shirou and Taiga get in on the act as well near the end. Otherwise, it was very clear. However, it also doesn't exactly do anything interesting past that, in terms of pushing it above the “above average” camp, anyway.

It's kind of hard to tell if they're playing a really mean prank, or if Sakura is actually a ghost here... although I'd wonder how a ghost could cook, so I'm leaning towards the former. It's a hell of a cruel joke, though. That said, it's a pretty typical setting, aside from Sakura pulling a Cena (God, there's part of a sentence I never thought I'd write and probably never will be written again). And thus, since the concept is really just that, this fic is accordingly getting punished.

The main problem I have with a story like this, is that it completely lives or dies on its punchline. There is absolutely no humor in it otherwise. Thus, how great this story winds up being, depends on how much the reader likes (or dislikes) Sakura. Those who like her probably will not think very highly of this piece, and the fact that it also relies on that end-fic punchline for all of its humor value means that it's literally a one-shot deal. Be well advised: If you enter a story into a “Humor” category, you CANNOT rely on one joke and one punchline in the whole fic. It'd be like making an Action fic with one punch – it'd better be the best damn fight in the universe. And since this isn't Chuck Norris, that is impossible. (He would end it in zero punches, anyway.) As it is, the joke doesn't even really pertain to her, and as a result, it comes off as just silly – and not in the way a humor fic should be.

Mild (very mild) boost for picking to do this Post-Heaven's Feel 5. Otherwise, there's nothing remarkably unique about this fic in terms of setting, because aside from Sakura being invisible and the ending punchline, this could well be a post-UBW route.

Overall, this is not the best possible attempt at a humor fic. Its humor depends on a single punchline – and if that joke falls flat, then the rest of the fic falls flat as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Sakura lover, or wagging my finger at the attempted joke – it's just simply a very bad idea to make a humor fic dependent on one, single punchline, no matter who is used. You're riding the entire score on how well that line gets over; that was the gamble you rolled the dice for. In this case, you came up snake eyes.


March 22nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
Review by Dark Pulse

“Unlimited Rule Breaks”
Humor - #1

- Interesting skew on Rule Breaker
- Solid description
- Interesting premise
- Ruins of the Fourth Wall

- Not very much humor

- N/A

Extremely solid on the technicals here. Nothing really stuck out as nagging or wrong to my eyes. There were a few cases of simply putting the spoken text, though, as well as a misspelled word here and there (Rin winched? I didn't know she was in a helicopter...) and maybe some parts that could've used slightly more embellishment. Otherwise, though, very solid.

CONCEPT: 15/20
I'll admit it – for the first few minutes I was wondering “How is this fic going to get funny at all?” I thought for a moment that this was actually a misplaced action fic. Needless to say, the turn was pleasantly surprising, and definitely something a bit out of the norm from all the other contenders in this field. While they had either very basic plots, where the setting (and thus concept) were somewhat generic, your concept here isn't dependent on a place, but a thing. That, and the way it was executed, got you decently high marks here.

Excellent graphical image here. Very solid, “meaty” descriptions. It got very visceral at times, and it was very easy to picture it in my head. The main issue is that the “humor” is a bit on the thin side – and since this is in the humor category, this means the corresponding “artistry” score isn't as high as it could otherwise be. The premise it used was good, though, and admittedly, Archer's frustration reaching newer, dizzying heights each step of the way did make me laugh once or twice. However, it does take several pages before any humor comes in... which is probably not the best thing for a humor-classed fic.

Well, this fic, among the humor fics, was unique in that the humor didn't derive from a setting, but an event. All wondering how he even got Rule Breaker aside, it was a pretty interesting premise, and watching Archer swear up and down that's not how it works only to be met with sheepish looks away from Saber and Rin were amusing. Worse, Archer knows he is ultimately resigned to his fate of making the world a paragon of justice... although I have to admit, Taiga cooking a good meal sounds damn tempting.

OVERALL: 15/20
This was probably the strongest story in this category, but I can't help but wonder if this is the category the author should have entered. The first few pages read like they'd work very well as a action story, too. There is some humor here, but again, I feel like it was simply not enough humor for a humor-classed fic. However, the other things in this fic have helped put it over the competition in this category for me; I would say this is the best of this year's entrants in Humor. Whether it will be able to go for the Grail... that's another matter entirely.


March 24th, 2012, 04:06 AM
Reviews by Ace


Change Its Spots by Mini [?]
Tech 16 Con 2 Art 8 Unique 6 Overall 5 Final Score 37
This felt more like an SoL fic than a humour one. There wasn't really any gags or jokes for that matter. I didn't laugh at all, I think this fic would have done better if it had been entered in the drama category.

Unlimited Rule Breaks by Anon
Tech 16 Con 10 Art 8 Unique 8 Overall 15 Final Score 57
While overall I think this fic is fairly humorous and was quite enjoyable overall, some of the jokes just fell flat. Shirou being derp fics aren't very original and while I chuckled a little there really isn't anything here that sets it apart from the other Shirou being derp humour fics.

Unfortunate Maybe Amusing Definitely by Mereo
Tech 16 Con 10 Art 8 Unique 15 Overall 12 Final Score 61
This is definitely a love it or hate it kind of fic because of its content. I thought the joke was amusing although it is dark. The length was perfect for this kind of thing and the ending was a bit predictable but I enjoyed it. The acronym in the title wasn't something I noticed the first time but when I did, I laughed.

Day At the Pool by Kaiza [?]
Tech 14 Con 12 Art 6 Unique 13 Overall 14 Final Score 59
Day At the Pool would probably be funnier if it was a comic or animated. Some visual jokes don't transfer very well to written word so that definitely hurt this fic. Some of the jokes were also lifted from Carnival Phantasm which kind of ruins it a bit for me personally. It was nice though and I did laugh, I think you have potential as a humour writer.

March 25th, 2012, 12:25 PM
Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Humor Category: A Day At the Pool

Techinical: 10/20

In terms of the technical aspects of the story, there's not really much I can say. This was certainly not the most technically challenging or adventurous tale I've ever read. The language is plain, overstated at times, filled with visual gags that would work much better on the screen (and frankly reminded me more than a little of Carnival Phantasm). I realize that humor tends to involve exaggeration and such, and this was over the top enough to strain (no, break entirely!) the bounds of credulity.

Concept: 12/20

From what I can see, this is kind of like an episode of CP, replete with gags and such that don't really work - at least not as early in the war as you seem to have this set.

Artistry: 8/20

Utterly generic. Simplistic and predictable. Pretty much non-sensical.

This may well have been intended, given your genre, but it was still far from amusing.

Uniqueness: 6/20

Its not inspired or markedly different from CP. There's nothing really fresh about this - its just the same set of gags about Archer v Lancer, Heracles' size or such used over and over again, with nothing to set it apart from a similar (if more restrained) scene in F/HA.

Overall: 6/20

I found this disappointing, mostly for the fact that for a humor fic, it didn't even make me laugh once. There was pretty much no plot in it besides "everyone gets together for a pool party", the characterizations were distorted...where do I even begin?

Total: 42/100

March 25th, 2012, 12:26 PM
Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Humor Category: Change its Spots

Techinical: 13/20

Well, not bad, certainly, though I can't help but wonder at the characterization. While I know Uryuu is a bit...off even in F/Z, with somewhat inconsistent actions and beliefs, this doesn't strike me as something he'd do without some kind of justification. Did he perhaps see the battle? Did he see the glory of Lancer stabbing something?

Though I did get a small chuckle out of the "Beer makes everything better" line.

Concept: 12/20

Well, I'll grant that the concept of Uryuu being the drinking buddy of Zero Lancer may be amusing, if implausible as all hell, and that Lancer starting to talk seriously about the war and about the awkward situation he finds himself in is a fun, but...there's not much in this fic. I would have liked to see more vignettes though, focusing on different periods through the war, or pulling in a running gag with Uryuu sitting down with various people/things from the Nasuverse.

Artistry: 13/20

For what little there is, I can't really complain. But then, I can't really praise it too much either, since there is very little of it present.

Uniqueness: 16/20

Unique, yes, but...I would have liked to see more. It has potential, but wasn't quite realized.

Overall: 14/20

Not bad. Better than some, certainly.

Total: 68/100

March 25th, 2012, 12:26 PM
Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Humor Category: Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely

Techinical: 5/20

...there's really not enough for me to comment on here, other than the fact that technically, it wasn't well crafted.

Concept: 5/20

Yes, people have often joked about FSN being better with Sakura being gone from the story, but while I found your gag of using the black text somewhat amusing, the success of your entire story rested on that. Further, it was just a single scene, without playing up the situation of Sakura being invisible and unable to communicate at any other time. There was no chance to laugh at her misfortune, to smirk over her inability to affect fate - as she was pretty much unable to affect things in the VN itself.

Artistry: 8/20

I will give you a few points for the first letters of each word in the title spelling out UMAD, but aside from that, there is not much to recommend this. The gag really pretty much falls slat.

Uniqueness: 8/20

We've probably all thought that FSN would be more or less the same if Sakura was gone at some point in the story, and I had high hopes for a story which used the premise, but...meh. I will say that the black-text, taking advantage of the forum's formatting, was a nice touch, but other than that...

Overall: 5/20

Disappointing. That is the long and the short of it.

Total: 31/100

March 25th, 2012, 12:27 PM
Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Humor Category: Unlimited Rule Breaks

Techinical: 14/20

This isn't badly written, though its not very atmospheric and the paragraphs are clunky, but then, I supose I can't expect perfection in the humor category. Just once, I'd like to see someone who doesn't take one joke and bash people over the head with it over and over again, though, because I don't think that's really so much to ask. Something like an entire comedy of errors would have been nice...but you didn't have that, only the bit about Rule Breaker used over and over and over again.

Rather in the same way some have used the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception - "killing" defeat, killing a fish's stench, etc.

Concept: 11/20

The concept of something where Shirou, boneheaded to the last, just breaks the rules entirely, is somewhat plausible - though the characterization is fairly off. The in jokes at Archer's expense (including the violation of the fourth wall) are decent as well, but I do have to wonder if it was necessary to go so over the top towards the end. There is a point when one kills the joke by trying too hard, and I think you stepped over the line, unfortunately.

Artistry: 8/20

I didn't really connect with it all that much - the one running joke seemed pretty forced, if I'm going to be honest, without anything to dilute the oversaturation of the URB and the violations of the fourth wall.

Uniqueness: 5/20

It's the MEoDP joke reskinned. That's literally all this is.

Overall: 10/20

What you have isn't too bad, but I don't really find it worthy of a prize. Its not very original, the execution seems flawed and taken to and extreme, and once you get past the first laugh, its not really all that funny.

Total: 50/100