View Full Version : Blasphemy in a Frying Pan

September 7th, 2012, 05:44 AM
My parents went to Turkey. So I was like, the KITCHEN IS MINE HA HA HA HA.

And decided to make Paella. Without following a recipe. From what I gathered, you fried meat and vegetables together, boiled some stock, dumped uncooked rice with the meat and vegetables and then dumped the stock in and added seafood. I wasn't trying to make a genuine Valencian Paella, or a proper paella for that matter so being the inexperienced cocky bum I was, I bought a chicken leg, onions, tomatoes, garlic, mushrooms and got myself dried rosemary, black pepper and paprika powder. Couldn't find saffron, those clams looked like they'd give me cyanide poisoning.

I proceeded to make my stock out of a carrot, an onion and a cheap shit chicken stock cube along with a lot of garlic and pepper.

Then I toasted the mushrooms on a dry pan to get rid of the excess water in them. Then added butter and fried it all up with onions and garlic. Then added chicken, and when they looked cooked(more like I got tired of poking my chicken) I chucked in tomatoes, rice and paprika powder and messed with it until the rice coloured itself. Then added stock and spilled black pepper into it. I tried scooping out the pepper but damage was done none the less.

I proceeded to impatiently poke at it, wonder why the rice wasn't cooking(I was too impatiently poking it instead of letting it cook). But eventually it cooked itself after a lot of poking around. The onions and tomatoes had disintegrated by then and the crust I was trying to form was a burnt black mess rather than a proper crust.

Hmmm. Should I even eat this shit? Presentation 0/10. Even without those clams, it looks like it would give me cyanide poisoning. This looks like the sort of blasted shit untalented anime girls produce.

Well I didn't spend all that time fucking around not to eat this shit. Turns out the burnt parts was just the outer ring and it was kinda moist and shit in the center. So a good 85% ish of it was edible. And eat it I did.

Tasted like. Hmm. Chicken soup, slightly salty, pretty peppery. It was edible, bizarre. Not good, but not exactly bad. Kinda on the wall about it. Every now and then some bites would contain disintegrated tomato and had a bit of sour tang. 4/10 for taste. Just... bizarre.

And thus concludes my blasphemy towards Spanish cuisine.

Tomorrow I shall attempt scrambled eggs.

September 7th, 2012, 05:45 AM
My god, that's some serious NSFW stuff. You should spoiler the image :v

September 7th, 2012, 05:51 AM
Image isn't loading.

September 7th, 2012, 05:53 AM
It's so gritty and gruesome. You should cast it in a horror B-Movie, it might win the best actor award.

Ivan The Mouse
September 7th, 2012, 06:39 AM
I thought those were maggots.

Chaos Greyblood
September 7th, 2012, 01:07 PM
The rice looks terrible, to be honest. I think you should cook the rice as though you're doing Chinese fried rice, make sure you cut down the chicken into pieces, try to add some steamed vegetables and some eggs as well.

As per adding out meaty products like sausages and octopus, slice them up neatly and cook them nicely along with the rice.

September 8th, 2012, 12:03 AM
That....that is...what is that thing?

September 8th, 2012, 12:16 AM
Added too much milk to the eggs at the end, and didn't wanna overcook them so they ended up a bit soggy. Also I wanted to roast my tomatoes and mushrooms while I was doing it, but I didn't know that particular gas stove I was using had a strange quirk of turning itself off at low heat. So it wasn't as well synchronized as I'd hoped.

The smoked salmon was cheap and tasted rather insubstantial so I should have slapped more on the toast. Guess I'll try an omelette next time.

Either way, not perfect but significantly less blasphemous. I cooked the eggs in a saucepan with a lot of vigorous stirring, should really get a proper spatula while I let my tomatoes and mushrooms toast on the frying pan. Didn't have a toaster, popped bread in the oven. The smoked salmon kept the wetness of the eggs off the toast and prevented soggy toast, so its a practice I think I might continue.

Also could have used more mushrooms and less tomatoes.

September 8th, 2012, 12:28 AM
looks like my everyday breakfast whenever I try to cook while half asleep -_-

Ivan The Mouse
September 8th, 2012, 03:21 AM
Looks fine to me.

September 8th, 2012, 07:06 AM
That....that is...what is that thing?

Instant tentacle monster.

Just add nuclear waste.

September 8th, 2012, 06:53 PM
It looks alive.

Desperately trying to cry out "kill me".

September 9th, 2012, 08:57 AM
It looks alive.

Desperately trying to cry out "kill me".

Or perhaps "I will eat your soul."

Mr. House
September 9th, 2012, 09:06 AM
DG, get a shotgun and blow them away, they will try to eat your soul.

September 9th, 2012, 08:16 PM

September 9th, 2012, 08:19 PM
It's moving.

September 9th, 2012, 10:34 PM
It's like those B-movies from the 90s japan...

Chaos Greyblood
September 9th, 2012, 11:51 PM
Or those soupy and crazy horror American B-flicks, or something that came out of The Toxic Avenger.

September 10th, 2012, 12:46 AM
I really should start taking pics of the shit I "cook" here =_=
you will all feel so much better about your lives =_=

September 10th, 2012, 08:24 AM