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Fatuous One
April 2nd, 2011, 05:18 PM
This story is about a Servant in the fifth Fuyuki Holy Grail War.

Not just any Servant, however, the sexiest Servant. He is easily recognizable, from his white hair and tanned skin, changed from their natural color due to years upon years of hot, sweaty battle and training as he furiously chased towards his dream. He wears a nice body armor that encases his hardened, chiseled features—especially his tight ass—and a flowing red mantle over it that helps contain in his magecraft presumably. And yes, he is definitely the sexiest, although a certain samurai comes damn close, rawr!

Anyway. This Servant's name is Emiya Shirou, but we'll be calling him by his class title to avoid confusion since there's an additional Emiya Shirou in Fuyuki. The exact same Shirou, actually, only younger, and he might not actually become the current, sexy version of Emiya Shirou in future depending on the choices he makes. That's a different story, though; we're not talking about that Shirou. We're talking about Archer.

Archer, as it so happens, was recently summoned by a certain clumsy bitch by the name of Tohsaka Rin. You should know this part. (If you don't, shame on you, read that story right away!) It's only been a couple of days since his summoning, but already he's faced off against a tough, almost as sexy opponent in a battle to the death. Believe me, it was epic. Archer's incredible muscles strained in glorious motion, even through his body armor you could see them pump like a professional boxer, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. His mantle swished in the air like swallow's wings, each attack of his enemy—Servant Lancer, of course—and his whirlwind of guarding blades made it twirl. His intricate sword play was a memorizing as a cobra's hypnosis, and his magecraft was more dazzling than Houdini. His—

"Archer," a stupid bitch interrupts in a confused tone. "Why are you palming your face?"

"It's…" Archer, that sexy thing, hesitates for a moment as he slides his bronze fingers off his face. "It's nothing, Rin."

As it so happens, Archer is currently patrolling the city along with his clumsy tagalong. He is defending it from the evil, and sometimes hot, dangers prowling it now that the Grail War was underway. After his battle with Lancer, he had a close call against a dumb blond, and then another epic fight against a psycho and her rabid pet. That was also incredibly sexy. Archer showed his amazing prowess as an actual archer. He first engaged against the frothing doggy—otherwise known as Berserker—and with a tiiiiny bit of help from the Shirou's Servant lured Berserker into a graveyard. He quickly tested Berserker's defenses, using his swords as projectiles to keep out of the range of his enemy's club. It was amazing, and graceful, let me tell you. His speed was like a cheetah, easily distancing away from Berserker, while his grace was like a gazelle, deftly leaping up, onto and around the graves with ease. When the time finally came to strike back, he quickly left his enemy confused and gained some distance. Archer's imposing body carefully poised itself in aiming his bow and arrow, his brilliant mind—

"God, would you shut up already?" Archer growls sexily at his clumsy "Master", obviously annoyed with her stupidity.

"What?" The bitch looks confused, not realizing the reason for his ire. What an airhead.

"It…" Archer hesitates again, showing frustration at not being able to express himself again lest she fly into a frothing rage and waste another of her command seals with a debilitating order. "It's nothing, I… just have a headache."

"A headache?" The brain dead girl looks even more confused. "Did you get hurt somehow?"

"No," Archer says with a sigh, his handsome face straining. "It's nothing like that, just an annoyance."

"Archer," his lame Master speaks with a warning tone, readying herself to spew out her usual garbage. "If there's something wrong, I want you t—what was that?"

Archer obviously feels it too, as his muscular body tenses. Both he and his tagalong are at the foot of the Ryuudouji, home to a trio of enemies.

"Yes," Archer murmurs with a furrow of his elegant, white eyebrows. "I believe that we've found the base of one of the other Masters."

"Hmm," Archer's Master gives a thoughtful noise, attempting to trick people into believing anything went through that head of hers. "We'll check it out. There's no reason to be timid at this junction."

Archer nods in agreement, deciding not to burden her lesser mind with a more elegant strategy of approach lest she feel her inferiority and resent him anymore than usual. Really, who could hope to compare to his unsurpassable intelligence?

"Ugh," Archer grunts inaudibly, shaking off a grimace with an erotic swish of his head.

They quickly ascend the stairs, noting the barrier in the surrounding forests as they go. Archer obviously already knows all the particulars, but his foolish Master shockingly seems to realize that all intruders would be forced up the path as well. Not bad Rin, perhaps I underestimated you just a little. Pffh.

"Good evening." The Assassin class Servant, Sasaki Koujirou greets the pair as they arrive near the gate. His presence until that point was superbly hidden, although not so greatly that Archer had no idea he was there, of course! Rin, of course, is shocked, and tenses as she realizes what Assassin is.

And Archer, of course, just grimaces—wait, you're supposed to be smiling, Archer—and prepares for the coming battle with a casual air of an accomplished warrior. His twin blades, Bakuya and Kanshou materialize in his hands like providence, and he takes a stance against Assassin.

Assassin nods, forgoing his usual greeting as he recognizes Archer's indomitable fighting spirit, and raises his katana in return. Their eyes gaze into each other, smoldering as they attempt to read each other's next moves like a pair of lovers as they close in to kiss—

"Oh, we are NOT!" Archer shrieks at nothing with manly yelp, cleverly confusing Assassin and Rin.

"Is there some sort of problem?" Assassin queried politely when Archer didn't press any sort of attack, opting to fume cutely instead.

"No," Archer answers tersely with a grinding of his teeth. "Let's just get this over with. I can already hear the comments about my tight ass anyway."

"Okay…?" Assassin frowns, showing confusion and uneasiness in his expression. Amazing, Archer, a fine distraction!

Archer takes the initiative, tossing his swords like a pair of boomerangs, then surging forward as another pair came into being in his hands. Assassin expertly ducked away from one projectile and deflected the other with a strike that seamlessly flew into a slash at his gorgeous opponent. Instead of opting to dodge the blow, Archer clashed against Assassin, displaying his impressive strength instead of his usual endless skill. Assassin grimaced lightly as he realized Archer's brilliant plan—his katana would quickly degrade against such a fighting tactic, leaving him defenseless.

For a moment, the two stare at each other through their crossed weapons. Archer's plan would be able to dispatch Assassin merely by attrition, and if he kept up the assault Assassin wouldn't have the time to use his Tsubame Gaeshi technique, but it was also very reckless. One mistake could just as easily leave an opening that Assassin could use to strike a fatal blow. The battle has only just begun, but the tension was already soaring to unimaginable heights. As they exchange gazes, one could easily see their respect for each other's fighting ability. The heat from their bodies almost extends into an aura of power—so erotic it wouldn't be surprising if their manhoods stood erect from it, you might not even be surprised if it turned into more naughty battle of attrition!

"What!?" Archer looks down at his enemy's groin. "Urrk!"

Oh. Oh dear. Something distracted Archer for a second there…

Umm…Well, Archer is definitely the sexiest cloud of golden dust. Oh so sexy, yes. This story is about a cloud of golden dust in the fifth Fuyuki Grail War…

---

This was Mereo's fault.

lethum
April 2nd, 2011, 05:24 PM
I laughed out loud a lot while reading this. Thank you.

Mereo Flere
April 2nd, 2011, 05:25 PM
Even better than I expected, F1!

Optimus
April 2nd, 2011, 05:37 PM
Oh god. It was so much lol, espcially the Assassin vs Archer part.

Fatuous One
April 2nd, 2011, 05:44 PM
Glad it was enjoyable. I wrote it from a prompt Mereo gave me, and didn't really proof it, so it's rather rough, and ridiculous.


Even better than I expected, F1!

I still say you probably would have done it better, though.

eddyak
April 2nd, 2011, 05:52 PM
This was hilarious.

Mereo Flere
April 2nd, 2011, 05:54 PM
Glad it was enjoyable. I wrote it from a prompt Mereo gave me, and didn't really proof it, so it's rather rough, and ridiculous.



I still say you probably would have done it better, though.

And I still say it's better than I could have pulled it off.

TypeWannabe
April 2nd, 2011, 05:58 PM
This was amazing.

Erlkonig
April 2nd, 2011, 06:03 PM
Have you ever lol'd so hard you olo'd?

I just did.

Elf
April 3rd, 2011, 12:42 AM
This was wrong, I felt a bit dirty reading this, but it was still funny.

Also, might we ask what the prompt was exactly?

Mereo Flere
April 3rd, 2011, 01:19 AM
"Archer fights Assassin while distracted by the fujoshi narrator."

And I can safely say that the narrator wasn't based on me at all. Nope, not a single bit.

...don't look at me like that.

Elf
April 3rd, 2011, 01:24 AM
"Archer fights Assassin while distracted by the fujoshi narrator."

And I can safely say that the narrator wasn't based on me at all. Nope, not a single bit.

...don't look at me like that.

Well, it was rather hilarious. And poor Archer, the prudish of the Servants. :)

Counterguardian
April 3rd, 2011, 01:46 AM
Damn sexiness is a curse.

FcS
April 3rd, 2011, 04:20 AM
LOL, fujoshi narrator is epic XD Can't stop laughing at this.
< fujoshi lolz (not that I ship Archer/Assassin :P )

Alyeris
April 3rd, 2011, 04:24 AM
Poor poor Archer. Not only does he have to deal with a voice inside his head, it has to be a narrator who sees yaoi in everything.

Great read, I was laughing by the time I got down to the third paragraph.