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View Full Version : The Bum Reviews - Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works {oneshot}



ItsaRandomUsername
May 4th, 2011, 04:37 AM
I have no idea what I was thinking at the time, don’t take this one too seriously.
Could have been a tad better, but I just wanted to write it, so yeah.


Disclaimer: Fate/stay night is owned by Type-MOON, Kinoko Nasu and all affiliates, whereas Chester A. Bum is the intellectual property of Douglas Walker and ThatGuyWiththeGlasses.com. I own neither, and this is a non-profit fanwork.




And now it's time for "Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum".
Tonight's review:
Fate/stay night - Unlimited Blade Works




"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"There’s this kid, named Shirou, and he wants to be a superhero!"

"I was a superhero once! I was BUM MAN, and I fought for booze, drugs and fresh cardboard!"

"No, wait, I just did that last week with that jerk Kyle who lives in the back alley across the street."

"But doesn’t that make me an everyday hero?!?"

"!!!...!!!...!!!........”

"Anyway, he participates in this tournament called the Holy Grail Warbecause he gets stabbed in the chest by a blue-haired Irishman which somehow causes him to summon King Arthur."

"Just roll with it."

"He goes and talks to a priest, and right after that he and his love interest named Rin get attacked by a little girl and HERCULES!!!"


"I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be"

"(But between you and me he looks nothing like Kevin Sorbo."

"They nearly get killed by Hercules, but in addition to that they nearly get killed by a grouchy red guy."

"Get used to it, he’ll be doing that a lot."

"Oh wait, SPOILERS!"

"Anyway, Shirou then goes on a quest to Witch Mountain!...only he’s all by himself and not accompanied by The Rock and two alien kids. And by go on a quest I mean he becomes possessed and nearly gets his arm ripped off by the Wicked Witch of the East."

"Help! Dorothy! Help! Drop your house on her and save Shirou, or he’ll die! JUDY GARLAAAAANNNNND!!!!"

"But instead of Dorothy and Toto coming to save the day – which is totally how it should have happened, damn it! – we instead get Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants."

"Shirou’s all:"
‘What are you doing here?!’

"And he’s like:"
‘What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I’m the goddamn Archer!’

"And the witch is like:"
‘If I can’t have you, I’ll just CAST MAGIC MISSILE!’

"Then it’s all"
‘Boomboompowpowpowwheeeboom!!!!!!’

"Then after she runs away the red guy attacks the orange kid because he was being stupid."

"Oh, and King Arthur fights a samurai while this is going on."

"But then the Wicked Witch comes and kidnaps King Arthur and turns her into a sex slave!"

"Yeah, King Arthur is a girl."

"Just roll with it."

"They try to rescue her but fail because the red guy betrays them and they get the shit beaten out of them by an insanely awesome combination of what happens when you take Jackie Chan and put him into a blender with Bruce Lee. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, motherf*ckas!"

"Anyway, when they then try to form an alliance with the little girl both she and Hercules get killed by the most famous Iraqi of all time."

"(But between you and me he looks nothing like Saddam Hussain.)"

"NUUUOOO! KEVIN SORBO! Whyyyy?!??!"

"Turns out that the blonde-haired, red-eyed Mesopotamiamamian made a tag-team with that whiny boy with the sweet hair and the hot Servant that was completely owned earlier."

"Surprise!"

"Anyway, the heroes go and attack the Wicked Witch again - because this time they have the luck of the Irish on their side!"

"Of course, when you take into account that Rin gets kidnapped, the blue-haired dude kills himself with his own spear and the castle sets on fire (how does rock burn, anyway?) that just goes to show how well that turned out."

"He should have kissed the Blarney Stone more, that way they wouldn't have had this problem in the first place! >:U "

"Shirou goes to fight Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants, and they then find out that Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants is actually a future version of him."

"OH! MY! GOD! I never would have figured that out!"

"No, really. How did they figure that one out?"

"Not important! What's important is fighting, and the clashing of a man's soul to a man's soul as their ideals thrash against each other!"

"They were all:"

DooDooDooDOO, Doo Doo DUUU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUs8FEsDUZ4)
'I hate you!'
'I hate you more!'
You're wrong!'
Duu Duu Duu dah do (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUs8FEsDUZ4),
'No, you're wrong!'
'No, YOU'RE wrong!'
Da-doo, doo, doodoo da doodeedoo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUs8FEsDUZ4),
'Nuh-uh, YOU'RE WRONG!'
'No, You're WRONG!'
'No, YOU'RE - SQUSHSQUELCHASBLAGH - okay, you're right. I don't hate you anymore.'

'We cool now?' "

'Yeah, why not?'

'MONGRELS!'

*GASP!*

"And it was AWESOME."

"They have to go fight Goldy and rescue the annoying guy from the evil loli-heart, but in order to do so Shirou needs more magic. How does Rin solve this dilemna?"

"With dolphins! I am not kiding you! Dolphins...apparently"

"I don't get it either."

"After his visit to SeaWorld, Shirou goes off and fights Goldy to the death and he goes all UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS on his pasty ass, gets his kill stolen by Mr. Not-So-Grumpy-Anymore-But-Still-Wearing-Bondage-Pants, Rin saves the spineless guy from being trapped in a dead-end relationship with that prudish little girl's heart, King Arthur disappears after fighting that same samurai again and everything is well and goes back to the way it was and that's pretty much it."

"Holy Grail Wars look like so much fun! I wanna get beaten up, hypnotized into doing something I'll regret forever and ever, verbally abused, stabbed, told I'm wrong and that no one wants me and drown in an aquarium!"

"Wait, if I want to do all that all I need to do is go tick off Kyle."

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"



Seriously though, except for a few scenes Unlimited Blade Works was pretty underwhelming.



"I really don't want to have to fight Kyle for a half-eaten tuna sandwich again. He cheats! At least given me enough so that I can go to SeaWorld with Rin! D:"

Keyne
May 4th, 2011, 04:44 AM
What the freaking hell did I just read?



;C; <AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Counterguardian
May 4th, 2011, 04:50 AM
This fic contains twice as much crack as an ass.

Ergast
May 4th, 2011, 05:08 AM
Crack overload. Reset system

Reset failed. Activated self destruction

5

4

3

2

1

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KptfA2GjCyI/TYEyYOPjipI/AAAAAAAAE2A/i6D08-G9lrQ/s1600/hongo-nuclear.jpg

EnigmaticFellow
May 4th, 2011, 06:14 AM
Excuse while I attempt to comprehend this. Thank you for your cooperation.

Erlkonig
May 4th, 2011, 06:18 AM
I am so high right now.
http://i52.tinypic.com/2vmiozp.jpg

Ivan The Mouse
May 4th, 2011, 06:34 AM
What what.

ItsaRandomUsername
May 4th, 2011, 09:08 AM
It's the Bum.

He's always high as a kite whenever he reviews a movie (in-character, anyway).

Theocrass
May 4th, 2011, 09:47 AM
What did I just read? I feel ... violated.

Lotus Saint
May 4th, 2011, 10:02 AM
We meet again, Bum-san.

SeiKeo
May 4th, 2011, 10:21 AM
Wait, what? The hell is this? My brain...

Ergast
May 4th, 2011, 10:40 AM
ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

Lotus Saint
May 4th, 2011, 10:55 AM
GOOBLE GOBBLE!
GOOBLE GOBBLE!
GOOBLE GOBBLE!

hero
May 4th, 2011, 11:04 AM
I would buy this review.

Lotus Saint
May 4th, 2011, 11:05 AM
30,000 Gold.

Soldat der Trauer
May 4th, 2011, 11:37 AM
Haha, that was fun. Poor poor Kevin Sorbo Berserker...

Ergast
May 4th, 2011, 11:42 AM
He ends that bad in the movie because he isn't the real Kevin Sorbo, just a stand-in.

If they used the real Kevin Sorbo, the scene with the "You are strong, berserker" wouldn't have been cut.

Kotonoha
May 4th, 2011, 12:14 PM
lol

Neir
May 4th, 2011, 12:44 PM
Well done. It really was... Underwhelming. Almost would have been better if it was just a movie of someone playing he UBW route in the game.

ItsaRandomUsername
May 4th, 2011, 11:45 PM
We meet again, Bum-san.


Le GASP! Someone knows of The Bum?! 0_0

Right on.

Kotonoha
May 4th, 2011, 11:50 PM
Le GASP! Someone knows of The Bum?! 0_0

Right on.

I know too! Pay attention to me too! ;_;

Lotus Saint
May 4th, 2011, 11:57 PM
Who are you?

Kotonoha
May 5th, 2011, 12:03 AM
Hey, at least I'm not on the ignore list of half the forum.

(I hope)

Soldat der Trauer
May 5th, 2011, 12:04 AM
Someone w/ their own raping theme song...or at least, on the old Beast's Lair, anyway.

Lotus Saint
May 5th, 2011, 12:04 AM
hehehe~

Troll a little bit and the results flood in~

Politics and Governmental issues are so easy~

ItsaRandomUsername
May 5th, 2011, 12:27 AM
I know too! Pay attention to me too! ;_;


Nah, I remember back on the old forum how you contributed to the TGWTG Grail War idea, so I knew at least you would get the joke. :)

Ergast
May 5th, 2011, 04:29 AM
What was koto's theme, again?

Rc1212
May 5th, 2011, 12:58 PM
Oh good God.....XD

Soldat der Trauer
May 5th, 2011, 01:05 PM
I don't have the lyrics anymore, but it was set to the tune of RapingPerfect isn't Easy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoTrB4R0nOI).

Milbunk
May 5th, 2011, 01:27 PM
This was really funny and are there any chance you might do another route?

ItsaRandomUsername
May 5th, 2011, 08:07 PM
This was really funny and are there any chance you might do another route?

He reviewed the Unlimited Blade Works MOVIE, just as an FYI, so I don't really intend to do any other route reviews.

There's a good chance Chester A. Bum might review the Kara no Kyoukai movies at some point~

Lotus Saint
May 5th, 2011, 08:22 PM
He better IRUN.
He better.

Keyne
May 6th, 2011, 03:22 AM
Bum forgot to write a chapter he was supposed to write, or does he want to call the project dead?

ItsaRandomUsername
May 6th, 2011, 03:24 AM
It's still alive. You'll have it by ZA WEEKENDO, hush.

Keyne
May 6th, 2011, 03:32 AM
It's still alive. You'll have it by ZA WEEKENDO, hush.

*was about to drop a steamroller on you*

Neir
May 6th, 2011, 03:42 AM
You mean that's actually going to continue? Sweet.

I still want a cameo, though. :P

ItsaRandomUsername
May 6th, 2011, 03:56 AM
I'll see if I can't work you in somehow, Neir. :]