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View Full Version : True Love Never Dies (a Pokegirls one-shot)



Xamusel
May 10th, 2014, 03:32 AM
Before I begin, this story is a Snuff Lemon, one that I was convinced to write by a friend of mine (who goes by the pen name Takeshi Yamato elsewhere). Now, even though I wrote most of it, he and I co-wrote the whole thing... and this is because I'm practicing my smut writing ability.

In any case, please, read this through and tell me what you think of this erotica.

XxX

Edo League
Underground Ice Cave System

XxX

A large gathering was taking place, as per the plans of Domon Uzuki, a man born and raised in the Edo League. He smirked in sadistic pleasure as his sister, Hitomi, and her lover, a Yuki-Onna named Kyou, were struggling to get out of their restraints holding them down. He was rather glad that he could finally show his twin her place… especially in death.

Well, his sister was a fool, in his book. She thought she could steal 95% of the group’s Pokegirls (or, in her words, ‘rescue’… ha!). Now, though, he was going to show her what it meant to cross Team Ninja… even if she was born to help lead the group, it wouldn’t matter, because he knew he was going to win. Before he decided to start the procession, he looked at his sister and her lover with a calculative look one last time.

Hitomi was a rather attractive red-head, many would be shocked to admit, given that her looks of a bookworm were meant to deter potential rapists. True, she needed glasses before now, but that was before she would be executed, when she wouldn’t need them afterwards. Her clothes, which were now torn to shreds, did little to conform with her body contours. In fact, as he looked now, she was easily a 32E… and her ass was just as large!

Then it came down to Kyou, the ice-blue haired Yuki-Onna. She was roughly a 34D, by his measurements, and the hips were flared to be twice as large as her bust, and neither one she hid. She was also a girl with a Glasses Fetish, meaning she liked being with his sister even more than normal, given the fetish.

He shook his head, before he realized that he had a schedule to maintain. With a bigger smirk of sadistic pleasure, he turned to face his people and said, “Thank you for showing up, everyone! This will be the biggest moment in our history as a Team, where a traitor and her slut of a Pokegirl will die and stay in their next location for the rest of their lives! I, Domon Uzuki, am referring to my twin sister Hitomi and her lover Kyou… both of whom I’ve been meaning to get rid of personally! Now… who has the camera for the recording process?”

One of the men in the group came forward, bearing a small camera. Meanwhile, Hitomi was glaring furiously at her brother - she’d never wanted to be a part of Team Ninja, even if that was what she had been groomed for - she just couldn’t stomach the evil deeds they committed, the cruelty with which they treated their Pokegirls. Setting all those captive Pokegirls free was the right thing to do, but unfortunately she and Kyou had not been able to slip away in the confusion. They may have been about to die, but at least they were going to die having done the right thing.

Kyou, meanwhile, was crying her eyes out. She didn’t want to die so soon, but she knew that she would be with her lover in the afterlife… it just wasn’t fair, to her. She was one of the lucky ones that was brought in by Team Ninja - she was about to be Tamed by a group of evil men when Hitomi managed to get her out - but now, her lover would be killed, and she could do nothing to stop it.

Before long, the camera was ready for its purpose, and Domon nodded. Before anything else happened, he faced the camera and said, “Everyone in the Edo League, listen up! I am Domon Uzuki, leader of Team Ninja! What you’re about to watch is a recording of what happens when you mess with the Team, especially if you’re a Human Female or a Pokegirl, and don’t even bother changing the channel on your TV! This will be broadcasted on every station all across the League!”

Hitomi just glared harder, cursing her sadistic, attention loving brother with everything she had, while Kyou was weeping even harder now, as both knew that they didn’t have much longer to live.

Domon then turned around, walking over to his nude sister, and said, “Let this be a lesson to you all! Never ever get in the way of Team Ninja!” With that, he dropped his pants and showed his long and thick member, before he grabbed his sister and forced her to the ground, opening up her nether regions, and slamming his cock into Hitomi.

Hitomi screamed in pain as his cock tore into her pussy, breaking past her Hymen with no care whatsoever, but her eyes maintained their hard, furious glare.

Domon laughed maniacally as he did this, going slow and easy on her for about a minute, before he started to pick up the tempo. With every fifteen seconds after that, he picked up the tempo again, and again.

The pain was almost unbearable to Hitomi, but she forced herself to keep her screams of pain strong, and not to whimper or beg for mercy. After about three minutes of being raped by her brother, however, the screams began to turn to moans as she began to feel pleasure despite herself - Domon’s cock was hitting much deeper than Kyou’s fingers or tongue ever had, and were hitting some of her most sensitive spots, not to mention how it rubbed against her clit…

Domon’s sadistic grin was threatening to spill over, especially since he knew that his sister couldn’t resist the way this was going, not after he confirmed she was getting off on the rape itself. When he felt his cock about to release its load into Hitomi, he slapped her ass hard, to stimulate the erotic nature of orgasming around a thick membrane like his.

Hitomi had gotten close to orgasming as well, and when Domon slapped her, combined with his cum flooding into her womb as he came, the stimulation drove her over the edge into her own orgasm, screaming as her pussy walls spasmed around his cock.

As soon as the deed was done, Domon withdrew his cock from Hitomi, before he motioned for a man to take the now whimpering Hitomi to a spike on the platform for her Execution. As soon as the man positioned her properly, Domon walked up to her and asked, “Any last words before you die, imouto?”

Hitomi, though wincing from the cold metal of the spike intruding into her pussy, didn’t say anything, recovering just enough of her anger and strength to spit at him, the glob of spit impacting his cheek.

Domon, taking a hand to wipe off the glob of saliva, merely flicked it off his hand and onto the cold icy ground. With two words, he effectively killed his sister himself, “Do it.”

As the man let go…

Domon’s lieutenant rushed into the area, shouting ahead of him, “The police! The Edo League police are here!!”

Hitomi managed the barest of smirks as her weight pushed her down onto the spike, the metal tip piercing through her cervix and into her womb. “Looks… looks like Team Ninja’s days… are over, Nii-san…” she said, clenching her teeth slightly to fight off the pain. “I… may die… but I will die knowing… that you won’t be… able to carry out… your ambitions…”

Domon, meanwhile, was freaking out. He didn’t know how this happened, but he wanted to avoid this mishap in the future, even if it meant taking… away… the… cameras… it suddenly hit him like a bullet train.

Before he could confirm it, gunshots fired into the cavity in the earth, injuring a good number of men and Pokegirls and killing a quarter of the total number of audience members. When the shots stopped, only Domon and Kyou were left uninjured at all, the cameraman having dropped his camera when he was hit in the left shoulder.

As the gunshots fired, Hitomi sunk deeper into the spike, blood flowing from her crotch as the deadly tip pierced through her womb, then found it harder to breathe as the spike pierced her diaphragm. Her pain was growing, but she did her best to hold her screams, even as she squirmed from the pain. As the police stormed into the cavity and arrested her brother, the pain flared one last time as the spike pierced her heart. “You… lose… Nii-san……”

With that, Hitomi Uzuki died, going on to a better life now without her brother.

When Kyou saw her lover die, she suddenly snapped on the emotional level. She couldn’t stand to be alone, not without her best friend and the one to save her. As soon as the police gave her a cloak to wear to preserve her modesty, she said, “I want to be with Hitomi.”

The NurseJoy attending to her nodded. “Of course, we can give you a few minutes’ privacy in order to say goodbye-”

Kyou cut off the NurseJoy, saying, “In death.”

The NurseJoy’s eyes widened. She couldn’t have heard that right, could she? “Come again?” she asked.

“I want to be with Hitomi in death,” Kyou said with an absolute finality. “She was my lover and best friend, the one to save me from being abused, and my only lifeline. I just… I just can’t live without her alive.”

The NurseJoy saw the empty look in Kyou’s eyes, and nodded. “I… understand,” she said, looking through her med kit. “I… I should have some poisons from a Venom Mistress in here…”

As soon as the poison was put in the injector, she put the needle to Kyou’s arm, and squeezed down on the injection. With that, Kyou’s body started to convulse heavily for a minute, before she died as the poison did its job.

Kyou’s body was placed at the foot of Hitomi’s spike, and everyone left the cavity, burying the entrance with rocks and creating an impromptu tomb for the two lovers…

(FINISHED)

XxX

Alright… this was probably one of the saddest pieces I’ve helped to write, and it was all my idea, too. It may have been erotic in nature, given that it was a Pokegirls fic, but I was convinced to write this one-shot by a friend of mine… and I made the ending a real downer to boot. Still, I wanted to have the ultimate bad guy arrested, so that he’d get his just desserts… especially since this started out as an Execution of someone that crossed a criminal organization.

Ultimate theme? True love never dies… at least, that was the idea I came with out of this, anyway.

Well, hope you guys read and say what you think, especially since my friend helped write this one-shot.

Thank you.

Strife ❤️
May 10th, 2014, 04:12 AM
this story is a Snuff Lemon

http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif

Xamusel
May 10th, 2014, 04:40 AM
...it seems that you guys aren't planning on reading the whole one-shot. I promise that the smut's not the focus of it all (nor the death after the smut).

...maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it was a Snuff Lemon.

RoadBuster
May 10th, 2014, 04:57 AM
http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif
LMAO

Xamusel
May 10th, 2014, 05:01 AM
Okay, I can admit that I laughed a bit at the pic, honest.

I just don't get why that seems to be more... I dunno, respected, maybe? Anyway, I don't get why that seems to be more respected than the OP post, which is clearly supposed to be read all the way through.

RoadBuster
May 10th, 2014, 06:03 AM
'Snuff Lemon' is going to exclude a good 90% of readers, which is what Strife was illustrating. And yes, it's good that you have that on there, because if someone came upon that without prior knowledge... they could be pretty pissed. You have to understand you've made a rather... niche story.

Kotonoha
May 10th, 2014, 09:05 AM
Pokegirls
http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif

Kelnish
May 10th, 2014, 09:15 AM
True Love

http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif

I3uster
May 10th, 2014, 09:26 AM
shitposting

http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif

Petrikow
May 10th, 2014, 09:32 AM
http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif
http://pixlgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/DS3.gif

SeiKeo
May 10th, 2014, 12:17 PM
Snuff Lemon
http://i.imgur.com/9Qjp3.gif

Kotonoha
May 10th, 2014, 12:18 PM
http://i.imgur.com/9Qjp3.gif
Leo no

Elf
May 10th, 2014, 01:27 PM
So Xamusel asked me to critique this (without saying please I might add) and so . . . I'm going to critique this.

First off, I'm not a Pokemon fan. I like Pikachu because he's cute, but that's about it. I know who Jessie and James are, and that Brock was voiced by the same guy who voiced Kaiba Seto in the Yu-Gi-Oh! dub. Oh, and apparently Charazard is a giant douche bag. So, I'm here to critique the writing.

Xamusel, I hope you know what you were getting into when you asked me to do this.


A large gathering was taking place, as per the plans of Domon Uzuki, a man born and raised in the Edo League. He smirked in sadistic pleasure as his sister, Hitomi, and her lover, a Yuki-Onna named Kyou, were struggling to get out of their restraints holding them down. He was rather glad that he could finally show his twin her place… especially in death.

This whole first paragraph is a mess. Its fairly sound grammatically, but it doesn't flow right. It feels stiff and unnatural, which isn't a good thing when writing fiction. First paragraphs are like first impressions. If your first paragraph is unreadable, then you're going to lose your readers no matter how much the rest of the story rocks.

Why does this gathering matter? Where is this gathering? Is it in the Edo League itself? How does he have his sister and Kyou tied down?


Well, his sister was a fool, in his book. She thought she could steal 95% of the group’s Pokegirls (or, in her words, ‘rescue’… ha!). Now, though, he was going to show her what it meant to cross Team Ninja… even if she was born to help lead the group, it wouldn’t matter, because he knew he was going to win. Before he decided to start the procession, he looked at his sister and her lover with a calculative look one last time.

This is coming off as cliche, mustache twirling mellodrama that well needs a little help.

He thought his sister was a fool, and she was deluded into thinking she could "rescue" 95% of the group's Pokegirls by rescuing. Now though, I'm going to show her what it means to cross Team Ninja, Domon thought with a smirk. Hitomi had been born to help lead the group, but in the end that didn't matter. He was going to win, and before he started the procession, he looked at his sister and her lover clinically for one last time.


Hitomi was a rather attractive red-head, many would be shocked to admit, given that her looks of a bookworm were meant to deter potential rapists. True, she needed glasses before now, but that was before she would be executed, when she wouldn’t need them afterwards. Her clothes, which were now torn to shreds, did little to conform with her body contours. In fact, as he looked now, she was easily a 32E… and her ass was just as large!

Then it came down to Kyou, the ice-blue haired Yuki-Onna. She was roughly a 34D, by his measurements, and the hips were flared to be twice as large as her bust, and neither one she hid. She was also a girl with a Glasses Fetish, meaning she liked being with his sister even more than normal, given the fetish.

Okay, what the fuck?

What is
given that her looks of a bookworm were meant to deter potential rapists have to do anything? And "Looks of a bookworm"- that's showing, not telling. Describe how she looks like a bookworm.

Also, please, for the love of god, don't describe breasts in bra measurements. Saying that they were large and that they were voluptuous makes you sound more like a writer than a virgin fanboy.

Also, what the hell is up with the deterring potential rapists? "She dressed to hide herself to deter the attentions of the opposite sex" sounds a bit better.

And the glasses and "glasses fetish" (which I'd rewrite with something like, "Kyou was fond of people who wore glasses, and it was one of the reasons she had been attracted to his sister." ) Using "Glasses Fetish" in that context is just a bit creepy to me, but this is a snuff lemon.


Domon then turned around, walking over to his nude sister, and said, “Let this be a lesson to you all! Never ever get in the way of Team Ninja!” With that, he dropped his pants and showed his long and thick member, before he grabbed his sister and forced her to the ground, opening up her nether regions, and slamming his cock into Hitomi.

So okay, you mentioned really nothing about Domon getting aroused or hard. He just whips out his dick and "slams" his cock into Hitomi.


Hitomi screamed in pain as his cock tore into her pussy, breaking past her Hymen with no care whatsoever, but her eyes maintained their hard, furious glare.

Since Hitomi was a virgin, there would have been resistance for Domon getting his dick into his sister. There would be the hymen and that it's tight. Oh, yeah, she's dry too. He's not just going to "slam" his cock into her. If he had, then he'd be in quite a bit of pain too.

Also, hymen does not need to be capitalized.


Domon laughed maniacally as he did this, going slow and easy on her for about a minute, before he started to pick up the tempo. With every fifteen seconds after that, he picked up the tempo again, and again.

Okay, giving exact time frames like "a minute" or "every fifteen seconds" in a lemon can throw a reader out of a a story. Besides, if a guy's going to be fucking his sister, he's not really going to have a track of time.


The pain was almost unbearable to Hitomi, but she forced herself to keep her screams of pain strong, and not to whimper or beg for mercy. After about three minutes of being raped by her brother, however, the screams began to turn to moans as she began to feel pleasure despite herself - Domon’s cock was hitting much deeper than Kyou’s fingers or tongue ever had, and were hitting some of her most sensitive spots, not to mention how it rubbed against her clit…

Again, that exact time. "After a while" works a lot better than "after about three minutes".

And neat fact, the inside of the vagina itself doesn't really have that many nerve endings. So what if his cock is getting inside her more? It's not really going to feel that great.

Also, since the human body has a hilarious sense of humor, there really isn't a sexual position during penetration that would have a guy rub his cock against her clitoris. It's like anatomically impossible. Unless he fully removes himself, rubs her clit, then thrusts inside again. So, she's really not going to be getting off by being drilled by her nii-san's dick.

Now, if you wanted her to get off during her rape, have Domon reach down and start playing with her clit. In fact, if you wanted to amp up the torture act, you should have started with Domon giving Hitomi some foreplay while Pokegirl lesbian watched. Having someone you care about watch while someone you don't like gets you off can be just as mentally damaging as rape, and perhaps even more so. Because there's also the gilt that you got off despite resisting.


Domon’s sadistic grin was threatening to spill over, especially since he knew that his sister couldn’t resist the way this was going, not after he confirmed she was getting off on the rape itself. When he felt his cock about to release its load into Hitomi, he slapped her ass hard, to stimulate the erotic nature of orgasming around a thick membrane like his.

A cock is not a membrane.

Also, don't call it a member for the love of god.

A "thick length" would work.


Hitomi had gotten close to orgasming as well, and when Domon slapped her, combined with his cum flooding into her womb as he came, the stimulation drove her over the edge into her own orgasm, screaming as her pussy walls spasmed around his cock.

. . . Actually cum can't flood the womb. The cervix keeps it from happening. Anatomy is your friend!


As soon as the deed was done, Domon withdrew his cock from Hitomi, before he motioned for a man to take the now whimpering Hitomi to a spike on the platform for her Execution. As soon as the man positioned her properly, Domon walked up to her and asked, “Any last words before you die, imouto?”

Hitomi, though wincing from the cold metal of the spike intruding into her pussy, didn’t say anything, recovering just enough of her anger and strength to spit at him, the glob of spit impacting his cheek.

. . . What just happened? I'm confused about this. How is this man "positioning her properly"? Show. Don't tell.

Hell something like, "The man positioned her cum leaking pussy above the spike on the platform" would have been enough.


As the gunshots fired, Hitomi sunk deeper into the spike, blood flowing from her crotch as the deadly tip pierced through her womb, then found it harder to breathe as the spike pierced her diaphragm. Her pain was growing, but she did her best to hold her screams, even as she squirmed from the pain. As the police stormed into the cavity and arrested her brother, the pain flared one last time as the spike pierced her heart. “You… lose… Nii-san……”

Anatomy what?

It pierced through her womb and then suddenly in her diaphragm? That's . . . there are a bunch of other organs it would have to go through. Not to mention it depends on the length of the spike etc. Honestly, she'd probably die before the spike got to her diaphragm due to internal bleeding etc.


NurseJoy

Nurse Joy- two words.


The NurseJoy saw the empty look in Kyou’s eyes, and nodded. “I… understand,” she said, looking through her med kit. “I… I should have some poisons from a Venom Mistress in here…”

Okay, as someone who's daughter is a medical practitioner, no medical practioner is going to condone suicide. They're also not going to give them the means to do so. Nurse Joy should have tried to talk Kyou out of it.

If you wanted to do the "love never dies" thing better, have Kyou impale herself on the spike so she's with Hitomi.

Also, Read this before the next time you want to write a lemon (http://fewcrowsshort.blogspot.com/2014/01/writing-erotica-how-to-guide-nsfw.html).

SeiKeo
May 10th, 2014, 01:39 PM
Using "Glasses Fetish" in that context is just a bit creepy to me

But then again he screws his sister before shoving a spike through her body

Elf
May 10th, 2014, 01:42 PM
The whole story is full of squick honestly.

He asked me to critique it, so I did.

Xamusel
May 10th, 2014, 04:34 PM
Okay, Elf, I apologize for not saying "please" when it came to asking you to critique the one-shot. I'll be sure to do that next time.

Now, for the most part, I am still a noobish writer at this field... and then there's the need for a correction. NurseJoy is a type of Pokegirl in the setting... not a Human Female.

Er, anyway, I'll keep all this in mind for when my friend and I go back to correct this. Thanks for the help.

ratstsrub
May 10th, 2014, 05:00 PM
Xam xam xam xam xam xam xam xammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


...no medical practioner is going to condone suicide.

That's totally not true.

I3uster
May 10th, 2014, 05:24 PM
dont write pokegirls

its a creepy ass setting where mindbreak and furry intersect to a perfect harmony of cancer

Elf
May 10th, 2014, 10:58 PM
That's totally not true.

Or rather they're not going to help someone commit suicide in a situation like that.

MissingMandible
May 10th, 2014, 11:13 PM
http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=3684&dateline=1397004323

Neir
May 10th, 2014, 11:17 PM
this is the kind of shit that makes me wish I collected reaction images.

Elf
May 10th, 2014, 11:28 PM
I mean, this has:
Incest
Rape
Snuff
Implied Furry
Guro

Its going to squick out a lot of people.

Ivan The Mouse
May 10th, 2014, 11:33 PM
I frankly don't get the message. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w10tu0zcE7Q)

Spinach
May 10th, 2014, 11:47 PM
this is the kind of shit that makes me wish I collected reaction images.

Just post the Tomb of the Giants gif up above.

Xamusel
May 11th, 2014, 12:07 AM
...okay, because I finished fixing the one-shot with the guy who convinced me to write it, I want to say this: Thank you for helping with this, Elf, despite not being a person who might like it.

Now... Elf, could you or another person with the power please lock this thread, and thus end this sad excuse of a story?

Elf
May 11th, 2014, 01:36 AM
Locking thread. If anyone else wants to comment on this story, please take it to PM. Thanks!