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TypeWannabe
May 10th, 2011, 06:27 PM
It's back because I'm in a nostalgic mood. So there. Now, before, we had this story done and gone. All three Endings, True, Good, and Best, were even revealed. We hit 1 out of the 17 Tiger Dojo's, and all was good. And I'll always remember Koto and Mike's argument/ decision making about hooters.


Chapter 1

Emiya Shirou would always regret that day. Mostly for the fact that the guy he hated was nailing his moe Servant on the kitchen counter, though the Gate of Babylon vs Kentucky Fried Chicken ran as a close second. Well, perhaps they tied, but whatever. It had started out relatively normal too, as far as Bad Ends go...

Shirou woke, images of dancing swords with tantalizing lolipops still lingering in his mind. He groaned, if only because now he'd go around about thirty minutes with a raging stiffy after that particular dream. As he was getting dressed, Shirou idly wondered if he should get his perverse sexual fascination with weapons checked out with a therapist. A mental picture of Rin dressed up as a doctor and glaring at him was enough to put out that idea, however.

He laid back onto his mat, and tried to meditate to clear out his, erm, problem. Unfortunately, his method of mediation was going into this weird ass zen zone that he had sworn off when he had awoken one strange morning with Issei curled up like a kitten in his lap. The memory of that morning both snapped Shirou out of his archery zone and made his “bone of his sword” go floppy. He grimaced, and wished there had been a better way, but a cat was fine too.

The smell of breakfast wafted into the room, disrupting the increasingly disturbing video's going through his head. Shirou hopped to his feet, and started walking. There were many scenes Shirou had never hoped to see, either ever or again. The infamous loli sex slave hypothetical scenario was a notable one, as was getting sword spammed to death whilst the bastard King of Heroes made out with a tainted Saber. The scene before him rivaled the number four spot on his list of horrible things that he wished had never happened or he could forget. Saber was cooking a meal, and dear GOD how could he have been lured by the sight before his eyes!

The charred corpses of toast stared at him, either accusing him of not waking up early enough or begging him to put them out of their misery. Emiya Shirou could do nothing for those poor souls, though he sent the heaven's a quick prayer on their behalf. Saber had, through a providence of fate, only moved on to the eggs, and seemed to be having difficulty. Shirou, master of Unlimited Food Works as he was, stepped in to aid his beautiful house. Saber noticed him then, her cute baffled face turning red at his presence.

“S-Shirou? I must apologize for this, I had thought to try and repay for you making all those exquisite morning feasts, so...” her voice trailed off as she lowered her head in shame.

“It's no problem to me, Saber, I really do appreciate the effort,” rest in peace, omelet-san, was Shirou's current thought, but it would have only upset the girl before him. “You go and take a seat, and I'll see if I can't salvage some foo-er, I mean I'll prep a better breakfast to praise your efforts.”

That should have been his first indication that thing's were going to go horribly wrong that day. Alas that foresight didn't work on the same level as retrospect! Regardless, Emiya managed to scrap together a good enough breakfast to satisfy the hunger of Saber and Sakura, who had stopped by after the tragedy in the kitchen. Then afterward, it was time to go to school. He waved Saber goodbye, a smiling Sakura chatting beside him, and started down the path to school.


~!~

...and so school ends, presumably because Shirou was too busy contemplating his navel to notice either the lessons or the time passing by like a drugged alcoholic looking for a good manga that isn't One Piece or Hellsing. Issei, being the lovable rumored-to-be-gay bro that he is, stopped Shirou on his way home to complain about how the A/C was shit and instead of using the school funds to I dunno, FIX THE DAMN THING, use his best friend to magically make things better like he's some kind of mechanical god, bitch. Since Shirou had a rank A “Be-At-The-Wrong-Places-At-The-Wrong-Time” Syndrome, he agreed to be a mook. Thus it was that at the end of the day the world saw not a weary but satisfied hero trudging home, but a bloody mook still in school fixing A/C that seemed to go out every couple weeks.

Shirou wiped the sweat off his brow, finally getting to the heart of the problem and boning the conditioner, boning here meaning Projecting a replacement part. As he walked outside, he came under the rare “Oh shi- I'm about to die” case that makes heroes everywhere do a barrel roll for great justice. Just in time to avoid a swordspam to the face, natch. Shirou had Caliburn out and ready, because that seems to be his de-facto weapon in the Fate route despite how this doesn't follow one specific route. The sword's experience moved his arm like a prisoner being butthurt about not having a lighter, deflecting the eight swords seeking the juicy insta-kill spots on his mortal body. The truly kickass “Clashing Souls” theme kicked in as Shirou gazed up at his current enemy.

“Mongel, do not presume to stare at us with such a defiant glare,” the King of Heroes declared, standing on a conveniently placed lamppost at the center of the courtyard.

“Can't you just shove off for a bit,” Shirou growled, “seriously, you've been killed in all of the routes, give it a rest.”

“Ah, but this a lighthearted fanfic, and thus anything can go!” Gilgamesh grinned, the really awesome special effect of swords appearing behind him jumping into action. “Thus, hopefully, this time I can both kill you and have Saber as my own.”

Dainsleif shot out at the speed of a really fast moving object, to be repulsed by Caliburn. As long as he only shoots them one by one, I'm alright, Shirou thought as he parried Muramasa. After another four shots of that Gilgamesh decided to actually take advantage of his [email protected] Noble Phantasm and send volleys of swords to skewer Shirou like those hateful pineapple cakes that have that one toothpick stuck in it that you forget is there until it winds up jamming into your upper mou-I forgot where I was going with that simile. To his credit, Shirou had the sense to dodge some of them and hope that Caliburn's history was enough to block the others. Nonetheless, Gae Bolg grazed his thigh and Tyrfing left a gash on his left side.

It was towards the third volley and the second Projection's of Kanshou & Bakuya that Shirou began to think something was amiss. For one, Gilgamesh should be dead, though he supposed the setting's status as non-canon invalidated that. The other thing was Saber. He probably still had the link with Saber, so why didn't she come to his rescue? Why didn't he use Rho Aias? How could he be thinking these thoughts while not having time to get a good retort in? Such was the thoughts of our hero, ladies and gentlemen, as he wove around the schoolyard like a pretty, pretty princess. He happened to glance up again at the King of Heroes and found a shocking sight. The number of Noble Phantasm's about to be unleashed was forty-two! He wouldn't be able to survive such a barrage with mere swords. Shirou withdrew into himself to find that shield, the one of the ultimate defense. But it was worthless, at this time he wouldn't get it up in time! Shirou sighed in resignation, aware that this was yet another Dead End that could not be avoided. The wall of swords launched, magnificent weapons from all cultures coming to take his life.

All of them pierced a target, though not the one they would have liked. Bits of mashed potatoes and crunchy chicken splattered all over Shirou like a weird food porn fetish. He opened his eyes, astonished that he hadn't been penetrated. The man he saw blocking the blades was...pretty damn uncommon. To start off, his hair on his head had somehow fused with the beard on his face. The clothes he wore were too formal for this place, and seemed more fitting in the American Embassy. His kindly eyes stared at Emiya, glasses glinting off the fading sunlight.

“Are you Captain Military?” Shirou asked, a little bemused.

“No, son, I'm even better,” the man's accent was difficult to place, “I'm the Colonel. And I'm here to save the industry.”

He began chanting an awfully familiar poem, made of meme's and awesome.


I am the mascot of my company,
Chicken is my body,
and Gravy is my blood.
I have created over a thousand branches,
Unknown to horrible taste,
nor known to McDonald's.
Have withstood death to make this company,
yet these hands never really made the recipes
So, as I speak,
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Then thing's got simultaneously trippy and epic.

Next chapter is our choice, and yes, this time we can go another route. or just do what we did last time, tis cool. Also, multi choice making is allowed, but it has to fit. You can't just spam "option 2" over and over. mike and Koto gave perfect examples of this, if anyone remembers.

EDDYAK! or...maybe it was Tang...probably tang, your favorite line is in this, I haven't forgotten.

Alulim
May 10th, 2011, 06:28 PM
Ehehehehe~

Keyne
May 10th, 2011, 06:30 PM
Waiting for Servant McDonald's.

TypeWannabe
May 10th, 2011, 06:36 PM
As I remember, this entire fic mainly came about because of a hypothetical Badass versus with KFC vs. Gate of Babylon.

SeiKeo
May 10th, 2011, 07:00 PM
I lol'd. But, I'm also disappoint at the implication that KFC is not tasty.

ItsaRandomUsername
May 10th, 2011, 07:46 PM
Hey-ho! It's back.

Nice.

Neir
May 10th, 2011, 08:06 PM
Goddamn delicious 11 herbs and spices. And their potato wedges, hot shit! :D

TypeWannabe
May 10th, 2011, 08:19 PM
Chapter 2

Temporarily adjourning from the epic clash of KFC and Gate of Babylon, we go to dear Matou Sakura. Since she actually went to Shirou's place instead of staying at the school like our protagonist, she's had plenty of time to...yeah, moving on. AnyWAY, after getting tired of waiting for her sempai, Sakura let her mind wander a bit too far as to what could be keeping Shirou away. While a more sensible person might have looked at his personality and habits and said 'well, OK, he's probably working or staying over at the school', not this female cast! But since Sakura can still be more sensible than her older sister at times, she distracted herself by making dinner early. Holding a knife and whistling a tune softly to herself, a song slowly started formulating.


Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp
and she's probably gettin' frisky

She could imagine it then, that blond foreigner dancing a little too close close to the unrequited love of her life. The hand holding the knife clenched onto it a bit more tightly as she chopped the lettuce to nice little slices.


Right now, he's probably buyin' her some fruity little drink
'cus she can't shoot whiskey
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick
showin' her how to shoot a combo
and he don't know

The scenery in her mind changed yet again. This time, Shirou and Saber were in a bar, instead of the nearby dance club. They were laughing, happy and totally not noticing her poor self waiting patiently for them to return to her, no, to the house. Sakura's mouth turned downward into a frown, peeling the garlic and sprinkling the spices into the frying pan. Once again, a normal person would think about this more rationally, but the Nasu characters have issues. The girl continued singing the song, some part of her subconscious mixing up something much more sinister than just a delicious dinner in the dish. The food was finished, bu she only spiraled into the living room, dancing and singing in a way that would creep out even the kinkiest of people.

In her mind, Saber was gone, permanently. In her mind, Shirou loved her, passionately, without restraint, without a clue what she had been through. It would only have tore him up, anyway, and she wouldn't have been able to bear being the source of his unhappiness. The song had changed, becoming more a song emphasizing a darker side to her life than the previous one. It was not likely that she saw the darkness creeping throughout the house, spreading from her. Even if she had, perhaps it served only to delight her, in a cruel and sadistic way. The worms started to act up in response to the prana in her body, driving the sensations in her body to higher heights. Darker clothing replaced her normal wear, a taint on what was only a facade. Maybe this was her true self after all, Sakura thought with some detached amusement.

The wallpaper had been sullied, polluted as though nicotine had been blown on it for decades. Oddly enough, the freshly made food was not darkened, remaining in its natural, great tasting shape and form. Sempai won't be pleased when he sees this, she thought. But...perhaps he should listen to what she wanted for once? Ignoring how he likely would have listened if she had spoken up about her feelings...anyway, since the narrator is starting to get uncomfortable with where this chapter is going, we're switching to Saber.

Our little king was out and about in town, out of some desire to see the sights Fuyuki had to offer. He first stop was at the cute little toy store Shirou had brought her to on that date she had had with him recently. Using the little pocket money Shirou had left her, Saber managed to buy a cute lion plushie, which was currently in a bag carried on her left hand. As she walked, she was all too keenly aware of some people stopping to stare at her when she walked by, and it was only her pride that kept her from blushing. 'Crap, there's something on my face or body, isn't there?' inside she was panicking. That is, until she saw someone that abolished any childish notions.

“Ah, Saber. Nice to see your prison warden has let you out of the jail,” his carefree tone of voice was unmistakable, that man was certainly the red knight of the bow.

“Shirou does not keep me locked up, I could leave whenever I wanted to,” she put her hands on her hips, eerily resembling when Shirou pissed her off. That Archer could provoke such a reaction just by being there was proof to his jerkiness.

“Then how come I haven't seen you around town lately?” The man had the nerve to keep smiling! “I'm pretty sure talk of a pretty foreigner like yourself would have reached my ears long before this.”

She glanced away, unsure of the answer herself, much less how to respond. Taking advantage of that, Archer shot a steely-eyed glare towards some of the onlookers, causing balls in the general vicinity to shrivel into crotches and die. The affected awkwardly resumed their business, steadfastly ignoring the girl. When next she looked at him, all she could see was the same irritating grin.

“I suppose it doesn't matter anyway,” Archer waved a hand in the air dismissively, “all that matters is that you're here, right? Come on, let's go somewhere.”

Before Saber had time to protest, he grabbed her arm and started with her down the street. Thus began a long and humorous montage where Saber and Archer go off to various places, including but not limited to: A baseball court, where Archer turned out to be very adept at “sensing the ball”, a sweet restaurant where they discussed the fallacies of their respective masters, and a short chase after a cat that had stolen Saber's lion plushie. They managed to get the plushie back, but at that point it was hopelessly dirty and Archer bought Saber a new one. The look on her face, he decided, was worth having Rin yell at him...mostly.

The sky was turning red when the walk around town finally stopped. After hitching a ride on the roof of a cable car, they hopped off around five minutes away from the Emiya residence. Archer glanced sideways at Saber, who was looking quite relaxed and happy about the events earlier. For her part, she had grown to possibly like Archer over the course of the day, when he wasn't being a complete asshole. He was quite the fellow when he acted more natural, she could tell that after the hour mark. This day would probably only be a side occurrence, but for her, it was a good experience.

“Our times up, then?” Archer ran a hand through his hair, “It was fun, was it not?”

“Yes, it was indeed,” she smiled up at him, taking him aback, “I'm glad to have had this chance to get to know you better.”

That made him look away, looking at anything but the woman next to him. “Yeah, well, you were really-” The sentence died on his lips as he felt something tug on his arm.

Saber, in a spur of the moment action, pulled him down to her level and lightly kissed his nose. “Thank you for today.”

She walked off then, secretly blushing as much as he was. As a king and a knight, she couldn't look back, even if the look on his face would have been worth fifty thousand words. On his part, Archer kept looking after her distant form until it went down the hill. His right arm idly scratched his neck, “Fool, I bet that was a deliberate move on her pa-Saber!”

He sensed something then, a distortion which should have been noticed by the both of them before hand. A rippling in the fabric of space that reminded him unpleasantly of some of the things he had to face in his afterlife as a Counter Guardian. This feeling...readying ten Projection's in his mind, he sprinted up the hill, his bow and a modified version of Caliburn in his hands. While this sword could only be used to it's full extent by King Arthur, in this form it would still be a good arrow. Now, the only thing he was worried about was, wait, where the devil was she?

1. Continue on to the Emiya residence
2. Seriously, look around, she only went over the crest like a few seconds ago.


~o~
Emiya Shirou, not without scrapes and bits of corn stuck into his hair, slowly and painfully headed back to his home, because he's a dur dur dur, instead of trying to warn Rin that Gilgamesh was back. Back there, the Reality Marble dissolving back into the schoolyard, stood a Colonel, no, THE Colonel, and an unconscious Gilgamesh.

Sanders sighed, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes, “Truly, you are the King of Heroes. I'm not strong enough to beat you, not in this form. Farewell, King of Uruk. It was fun.” A cloud blot out the rapidly fading light, and when it passed, only a blond foriegner laying on the ground could be seen. Oh, and shit tons of skewered fatty foods. Like, I'm not even kidding man, they could have blot out the sun. Fat people everywhere would have had their first sexual experiences.

Grant
May 10th, 2011, 08:35 PM
1.
And I think you mean "headed back to his home, because"

Neir
May 10th, 2011, 11:15 PM
wut am I reading

amado
May 10th, 2011, 11:53 PM
archer has common sense so #2.