View Full Version : Van-Fem's on a Boat {oneshot}

May 14th, 2011, 12:10 PM
It was yet another peaceful twilight in one of Valery Fernand Vandelstam's Demon Castles. It would not exactly be inaccurate to consider this time of day as "morning" for beings of vampiric nature such as a Dead Apostle (although several Ancestors not unlike present company could walk in the daylight to a certain extent, it is pretty much universally accepted that the night belongs to the vampire). As the sun was setting, it painted the earth with vibrant hues of gold and yellow. And blood red. One mustn’t forget about the blood red...

The castle's master, Valery F. Vandelstam himself, was enjoying breakfast with his good friends Michael Roa Valdamjong and Nrvnqsr Chaos - more commonly known as simply "Nero" or "Chaos". Valery, otherwise known as Van-Fem, reached for the box of their favorite blood-flavored cereal, Nas-U's (made with real blood!). The image of the cereal's yellow and green mushroom mascot winked mischievously from the colorful cardboard as Van-Fem poured blood-flavored flaky puffs into his bowl, and the cereal bits began to stain his milk (2% of course; A DAA must maintain his girlish figure, after all) a pinkish red.

Curiously enough, a small envelope also fell out of the box into his bowl. Raising an eyebrow intriguingly, the vampire picked it up and tore into it with the cool grace that is naturally befitting of a being as dark and powerful and old as he is. The cereal was supposedly offering a prize in every box, so might he be so lucky as to finally be a recipient - what with Chaos pilfering every single decoder ring he could find from previous boxes of the cereal before anyone else could lay claim to them? He quickly read over the note that was in the envelope, and brushes his mustache thoughtfully, an action meant to hide the great excitement he was feeling at the moment as he planned his next moves.

'This is certainly a better prize than any decoder ring', Van-Fem thought coolly to himself.

“Well now, look at this ” he announces, as he steps up from his seat the magnificent table. “It would appear as if I have won a wondrous prize, a free yacht trip for three. Now then…who shall I take with me?”

He calmly looked up from the prize-bearing note he had read off of. Good. It seems as if he had piqued their interests and had their fullest attentions, seeing as how he was having Roa and Nrvnqsr gaze at him longingly. Both desiring to be recipients of the prize, both knowing the inevitability that the three of them were about to embark on what would be a very enjoyable ocean cruise…


“Hmmm ” Van-Fem feigned thoughtful deliberation, “Roa,” He points towards the unnumbered Dead Apostle Ancestor, “I’ll take you along.”

“Cool!” Roa said as he fist pumped.

“And ”

As he wags his finger in the air, ready to choose the third member, Van-Fem turns his gaze towards Nrvnqsr, Dead Apostle Ancestor, #10. His eyes narrow musingly, as if to contemplate what should be such an obvious decision. The Beast of Chaos is nearly quivering with anticipation, which was rather unbefitting of one as fearsome as he. He clearly knew Van-Fem would choose him as the third guest; he was only prolonging the decision teasingly.

“Neko-Arc.” Dead Apostle Ancestor #14 abruptly proclaims, pointing towards the strange cat that had decided to join them for breakfast prior to this conversation.

“NYES!” The cat exclaimed enthusiastically as it slammed its furry paw on the table triumphantly, as it fluttered its eye mischievously.

Nrvnqsr lowered his head in shame, his eyes meeting with his left hand.

'Maybe I shouldn’t have taken all of those decoder rings for myself', he gloomily thinks to himself.

- ] | [ -

I'm On A Boat (Dead Apostle Ancestor Remix)
Van-Fem [ft. Neko-Arc]
The Aylesbury Boys
DAA Studios

(some musical accompaniment) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx0qcFR_MPg&feature=related)

*camera pans in from aerial view over the Fem’s-Casa to a closer shot of Valery, Roa, Neko-Arc, and a random ghoul or two acting as extras. All are enthusiastically dancing according to the routine that they all planned out.*


Awww SHIT! Get your towels ready, it’s about to go down! [Nyeah~!]
Everyone on this yacht better hit the FUCKING deck! [Nyeah!]
We’re setting sail - so LET’S, GO!

I’m on a yacht! [On a yacht!]
I’m on a yacht! [Nyorro~n]
Everybody look at me because I’m sailing on a yacht!
I’m on a yacht!
I’m on a yacht!
Take a good, hard look at the motherfuckin’ yacht!

I’m on a yacht, motherfucker, take a look at me,
Straight pimping on my casino cruise on the deep blue sea,
Busting fourteen knots, everything is so well,
You can’t sue, Lonely Island, ‘cause I’m rich as hell!

Take pictures, chicks, [Except Sacchin, she misses out on everything!]
I’m on a yacht, bitch! [Nya~nya, Sacchin!]
We drinking the freshest blood,
Cause it’s so crisp
I have my awesome suit,
But I don’t got a care,
I’m feastin’ on flesh, you at Misaki
Getting your points pierced by that Nanaya-heir! *Nrvnqsr gets dotstabbed*

I’m riding on a phantasmal dolphin, doing flips and shit,
It’s blowing minds ‘cause no ones seen one since the Age of Gods
But this ain’t a Grunty, nor is this The World, this is real as it gets,
I’ve got my yacht, motherfucker, don’t you ever FORGET!

I’m on my yacht AND
It’s going fast AND
I have a nautical themed
Ghoul crew commanding (Rarrghhh…)
Rich as can be,
I got cash and bling, up the wazoo
If you're rich as me,
Then you must be Nasu!

Get the fuck up! This yacht is real!

Fuck Gaia, I'm on a boat, motherfucker! Nya~nya~yaaa~]
Fuck Einnhase, I climb buoys (not vampiric trees), motherfucker! [NYAHAHA!]
I’m on the deck with my boys, motherfucker! [NYAHA *snorts*]
This boat is bitchin’ like it should be, motherfucker!

Oh Altrouge, if you could see me,
Canines flashing as I laugh with glee,
Gonna get Fem’s Casa to Crimson Moon when we
Get the proper, fund-ING!

Nyeah! Never thought I’d be on a yacht,
Free to annoy the world,
Look at me! (nyeahyeahyeah~)

Gonna get all my Neko-pals to play,
Eveyone’s gonna rue the day,
Believe me when I say,
I trolled Arcueid!

I’m on a yacht!
I’m on a yacht!
Everybody look at me, ‘cause I’m sailing on a yacht!
I’m on a yacht!
I’m on a yacht!
Take a good, hard look at the MOTHERFUCKING yacht!

*Camera once again pans outwards, once again showing us all a full view of the Fem’s Casa.*

- ] | [ -

“HA! You pathetic curs! You call that a yacht?! Please, you women and children know not what a truly noble craft is!” The King of Heroes boasted from the deck of his own vessel. “I grace all of you unworthys with this: The original yacht!”

Plated in sheets of gold and encrusted with countless precious gemstones, the massive yacht pulled up alongside the boat that Van-Fem, Roa, and Neko-Arc were all on.

“Of course, this grand boat naturally has solid gold toilet seats and mink carpeting as well. Nothing but the finest. My yacht laughs smugly at yours.” Gilgamesh sneered.

Van-Fem had to admit, it was a VERY nice boat.


Dear God, WHAT was I smoking?

May 14th, 2011, 12:18 PM
When you figure out what it was that you were smoking, can I have some of it?

May 14th, 2011, 12:25 PM
When you figure out what it was that you were smoking, can I have some of it?

Here, here!

....seriously what are you smoking? You need to share, man.

May 14th, 2011, 12:27 PM
Nice boat!

Lotus Saint
May 14th, 2011, 12:37 PM
Why did I think this would end with an exploding SHARKASAURUS REX?

May 14th, 2011, 12:44 PM
That was epic.

I'm so high right now.

May 14th, 2011, 12:51 PM
Oh, man, where am I right now? Duuuude, what was that, maaan?

May 14th, 2011, 12:58 PM
Still as funny as it was in the old board XD

May 14th, 2011, 01:21 PM
My brain can't handle the awesome that it just experienced...

May 14th, 2011, 01:59 PM
Your link for the song is messed up.

May 14th, 2011, 04:16 PM
Here, here!

....seriously what are you smoking? You need to share, man.

I'm not sure what it was, but I'm pretty certain it involved a pineapple-bong.

I think.

Your link for the song is messed up.

Fixed. Thanks for the heads-up.