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Mereo Flere
August 18th, 2011, 02:30 AM
“Akimouto” by Mereo Flere

XXX

To put it mildly, Akiha did not appreciate Arcueid coming over to her home every day. It was bad enough seeing her face… but that blond idiot insisted on playing with her brother – taking him away from home, getting him into danger, and doing all sorts of things they shouldn’t have been doing. However, all attempts at stopping the true ancestor from visiting had failed and Akiha couldn’t throw her out if she tried.

And boy, had she tried.

Nothing, not an electric fence, not an army of robot maids – not even the enlisted aid of that curry obsessed nun, could prevent Arcueid from simply walking in and doing as she pleased. Regardless of whatever stood in her way, she never had any problem getting past any of those defenses. Even if there wasn’t a door, she’d pry one open anyway – and there were still a number of Arcueid-shaped holes in the mansion the true ancestor had made because it had been too dark to see the door.

Needless to say, Arcueid was here today yet again. On the bright side, Arcueid hadn’t bothered her brother yet today – and instead seemed content to sit in the dining room, flipping through some book.

“Well, that’s a surprise,” Akiha said as she walked closer, a little bit curious over what book could possibly capture Arcueid’s interest. “I never thought I would ever see you with a book.”

“Why is that?” Arcueid asked, raising her head above the cover. “Is it that big of a shock to see me with one?”

“Actually, yes,” Akiha admitted bluntly. To be honest, Akiha was surprised to know that Arcueid could read at all – then again, shouldn’t have been a surprise considering Arcueid also knew Japanese. Still, it seemed that there wasn’t really a pattern to her understanding of the world; to be honest, Akiha wouldn’t be surprised if Arcueid had trouble telling two people apart. “You just don’t seem like the type to read anything outside of a restaurant menu.”

“Hey! There are other things I read,” Arcueid said with a small pout. “There are a lot of things I read!”

Akiha raised a brow. “Like what?” she asked, doubtful of the vampire’s claim.

“Well…” Arcueid blinked, before tilting her head as she thought of all the things she had read. There were street posts, but those didn’t really count. Other than that, she guessed there weren’t many things she had read after all… then again, there was that one thing. “There were those books you have in your room, Akiha.”

“…what?” Akiha said, her eyes widening.

“Yeah, you know, the ones underneath your mattress.”

“…I d-don’t know what you’re talking about,” Akiha stammered, feeling her face get hotter and hotter.

“Are you sure?” Arcueid asked, tilting her head. “It’s the ones with all the naked men. And, for some reason, someone glued your brother’s head onto all of their bodies.”

“…those could be anybody’s!”

“But Hisui said they were yours…”

Akiha felt the blood in her veins suddenly freeze. Did the vampire really say what Akiha thought she had said? “Come again?” Akiha asked just to be sure, hoping that it had just been a misunderstanding on her part.

“I said, Hisui said they were yours,” Arcueid said, wondering if Akiha was getting hard of hearing.

Akiha hanged her head. “I was afraid of that,” she groaned, realizing why her maid had been giving her concerned looks this past week. “I… I can’t believe you showed that to her.” To be honest, she was surprised Hisui knew about them as well.

“Oh, I didn’t do that,” Arcueid said cheerfully. “Shiki was the one to ask her about them after he took a look.”

“…”

“Is there something wrong, little sister?” Arcueid asked, worried by the sudden paling of her skin. Akiha had little color to begin with – but now she was as white as a sheet.

“…everything. Everything is wrong, forever.”

“Oh,” Arcueid said. “That sounds bad.”

“It’s bad,” Akiha said, raising her head to glare at Arcueid. “Really bad.”

For some reason, Arcueid was sure that she had done something wrong. Fortunately, though, she had the perfect way to lift Akiha’s mood. “Well, cheer up!” Arcueid said, flipping the book around so that Akiha could look at it as well. “Sure, things look bad now, but just remember the good old times!”

Akiha sighed, unable to summon up the anger necessary to forget about how strong Arcueid was and attack her blindly anyway. There wasn’t anything she could do about everybody else in the mansion finding about her collection, so she decided she might as well humor the vampire.

“…Arcueid, just what am I looking at?”

“It’s the Tohno Family Album, silly!”

“That’s not my family’s album,” Akiha said with a sigh, mentally noting that Arcueid hadn’t been reading after all. “Those aren’t even pictures of me,” she said.

Arcueid gasped in surprise, her hand covering her mouth as if to cover her shock. “Little sister, I didn’t know you had a younger sister!”

Akiha’s eye twitched. It seemed Arcueid really did have trouble recognizing people. “Arcueid… that’s a picture of Hisui,” she said, facepalming. Why there would be an entire album of Hisui doing laundry she had no idea – though she bet it had something to do with Kohaku.

“Of course that’s Hisui,” Arcueid said with a laugh. “I mean the other girl.”

“Other girl?” Akiha said, raising a brow. Had she missed someone else in the picture… no. No she hadn’t. “There isn’t anybody else there.”

“Maybe you should get your eyes checked,” Arcueid said, her voice filled with sincere concern that only served to annoy Akiha further. “I meant this girl, right here,” Arcueid said, pointing out the “person” Akiha had missed.

“…Arcueid, that’s a washboard.”

“Well, I know Akimouto doesn’t look that impressive right now, but you aren’t one to talk yourself, Little Sister.”

“Akimouto.”

“Yes,” Arcueid said. “Because she's your little sister. She even looks just like you, don’t you think?”

This time, it was Akiha’s hand that twitched – into a fist. However, she calmed herself down, remembering that getting beat down again wouldn’t accomplish anything. “Arcueid… I don’t have a sister,” Akiha said through gritted teeth. “And that isn’t even a person.”

Arcueid frowned, wagging her finger at Akiha. “That isn’t how big sister is supposed to act, you know. Think about poor Akimouto’s feelings!”

“I’m not a big sister!”

“Oh,” Arcueid said, realizing there was a misunderstanding. “By ‘big sister,’ I actually meant ‘elder sister.’”

“…”

“Is there something wrong, little sister?”

“Just... counting to ten,” Akiha said with deep breaths.

“Ten? Ten of what?”

“Ways to kill you.”

XXX

The battle was over in an instant. No, it couldn’t even be called a battle. When Akiha attacked, Arcueid had immediately disappeared from her sight – only to reappear behind her and deliver a perfect rendition of a german suplex. It wasn’t enough to knock Akiha out – but it was enough to knock some sense back in.

“We shouldn’t be playing games like this so recklessly,” Arcueid admonished her. “Akimouto’s precious photo album will be ruined.”

“I’m telling you,” Akiha said, as she slowly staggered back up to her feet. “Those aren’t pictures of my sister.”

“Hmph,” Arcueid said, crossing her arms. “You’re still going on about that? Why don’t we just ask her about it then?”

“Her?” Akiha blinked, before realizing that Arcueid was pointing at someone. “Kohaku… when did you arrive?”

“Ah,” Kohaku said with a small grin. “I came after I heard someone let loose a battle cry… but do not worry, Akiha-sama, I didn’t see your embarrassing defeat!”

Akiha sighed, deciding not to point out that Kohaku had called her defeat embarrassing. Still, it was a good thing Kohaku was here; she could finally clear this mess up. This album had Kohaku written all over it, after all.

“Look, could you finally explain to Arcueid what these pictures are?”

“Of course,” Kohaku said, curtseying. “Arcueid-san… these are pictures of my sister giving Washu-chan a bath.”

…what.

“Oh, so her name’s Washu-chan? She really does look adorable, doesn’t she?”

“Yes. She reminds me of Akiha-sama when she was smaller.”

“…”

“And by ‘smaller,’ I mean shorter of course,” Kohaku unnecessarily clarified.

“Of course,” Arcueid said with a nod.

“…I hate both of you.”

XXX

“Ne, ne, Little Sister, guess what!”

“What is it?”

“I found Washu-chan’s birth certificate.”

“…Arcueid, that’s a shopping receipt.”

Alulim
August 18th, 2011, 02:36 AM
...win. Akiha is a blood relative of an inanimate object, who knew?

Neir
August 18th, 2011, 02:44 AM
Beautiful :')

RacingeR
August 18th, 2011, 02:47 AM
I... can't... stop... laughing

Need... to... breathe...

Pata Hikari
August 18th, 2011, 02:50 AM
Well, this is a thing.

deviatesfish
August 18th, 2011, 02:53 AM
So awesome.

Techlet
August 18th, 2011, 03:02 AM
My brain...

sytang
August 18th, 2011, 03:07 AM
Awesome, but there's a typo here:


Akih had little color to begin with

Arashi_Leonhart
August 18th, 2011, 03:09 AM
You have been waylaid by a random beta and must defend yourself...

Mereo Flere
August 18th, 2011, 03:15 AM
Awesome, but there's a typo here:

Thanks!


You have been waylaid by a random beta and must defend yourself...

Eh, it's my fault to begin with. Once I finish a story, I get tired of it just sitting around after ten seconds and immediately post it instead of doing the smart thing and having someone I know look it over.

Arashi_Leonhart
August 18th, 2011, 03:16 AM
Eh, it's my fault to begin with. Once I finish a story, I get tired of it just sitting around after ten seconds and immediately post it instead of doing the smart thing and having someone I know look it over.

...You should gather your betas before venturing forth?

lantzblades
August 18th, 2011, 03:37 AM
well that i did not expect

Inugami
August 18th, 2011, 03:38 AM
To steal a line from KimikoMuffin:

"Inugami hate Butt Monkeys."

Ruthlessly picking on a character isn't my idea of humor, except when it's karmic.


That said, there were certainly brilliant moments. The "Ten... ways to kill you" thing, for instance.

Sherrinford
August 18th, 2011, 07:40 AM
To be funny, it's funny...


... but I didn't like the "washu-chan" part too much, it doesn't make sense...

Pata Hikari
August 18th, 2011, 01:51 PM
... but I didn't like the "washu-chan" part too much, it doesn't make sense...

Akiha has a space-mad scientist for a sister, what's not to get.

Mereo Flere
August 18th, 2011, 01:58 PM
The truth is...

Washu is actually Akiha's daughter, and Kohaku is the mother! That's why Washu has red hair, you see.

...wait.

Honestly, I actually got Washu-chan from "Washboard" but as it turns out I'm not good at making names for inanimate objects.

Mike1984
August 18th, 2011, 02:21 PM
I don't know much about Tsukihime, but this was still very funny.

Pata Hikari
August 18th, 2011, 02:27 PM
I don't know much about Tsukihime, but this was still very funny.

You've never read Tsukihime?

Turn in your badge Mike.

Mike1984
August 18th, 2011, 02:29 PM
No. I do intend to at some point, but I haven't got around to it yet (barring Ciel's route). After playing FSN, the UI is just really annoying.

eddyak
August 18th, 2011, 03:16 PM
Read the Let's Play.

Or so I'd say, if the guy doing it weren't so damn annoying. It's fine for when you're rereading the game, but for your first time, the guy doing it just kills the atmosphere, and is generally unfunny. All. The fucking. Time.

daniel_gudman
August 18th, 2011, 04:28 PM
Kohaku opened the door, and immediately blushed. "I'm sorry for interrupting!" With haste, she shut the door to give them their privacy back.

Inside the storage room, a washboard was propped up against a chair. And, it was not just any chair.

All was quiet. It didn't last.

Furious scuffling, and then the door was flung open. Shiki was in a frothing rage. Hisui was hanging on him like a limpet, a suspiciously ineffective attempt at holding him back as per Akiha's orders.

"My little sister!?" He roared. "And you don't stop stop!?"

"I don't see what the big deal is." Akiha said frankly. "If you don't calm down you're going to have an attack."

Shiki whipped around, and Hisui swung around like a pendulum attached to him. "This chair!" He roared, pointing. "This chair!" He whipped back to face forward again, swinging Hisui the other way. "I thought this chair was my best friend, and he's... with my little sister!"

VelspertheCat
August 18th, 2011, 04:40 PM
Man, Shiki would be a terrifying in law. I guess it's a good thing that Akiha doesn't want anyone else.

Numina
August 19th, 2011, 01:48 AM
^^ that..that was really scary...

nick012000
August 19th, 2011, 01:54 AM
LOL. I've got to wonder if Arcueid really is that clueless, or if she's just messing with Akiha. Kohaku definitely is. XD

Larekko12
August 21st, 2011, 10:12 PM
This was funny but unnecessarily mean and cruel. Trolling Akiha like that create in me the urge to punt them into the Sun While a Mystic eye of Death Equipped Shirou and Archer and Gil hang in outer with environment protection shrouds and arrow spam her points on the way to the corona.

GlanGR
August 26th, 2011, 12:59 AM
That seems a little... harsh.

deviatesfish
August 27th, 2011, 02:03 AM
It's okay, it's Larekko. Anyway, this was awesome read. Even the eighth reread!

Fingolfin
August 27th, 2011, 02:32 AM
Kohaku opened the door, and immediately blushed. "I'm sorry for interrupting!" With haste, she shut the door to give them their privacy back.

Inside the storage room, a washboard was propped up against a chair. And, it was not just any chair.

All was quiet. It didn't last.

Furious scuffling, and then the door was flung open. Shiki was in a frothing rage. Hisui was hanging on him like a limpet, a suspiciously ineffective attempt at holding him back as per Akiha's orders.

"My little sister!?" He roared. "And you don't stop stop!?"

"I don't see what the big deal is." Akiha said frankly. "If you don't calm down you're going to have an attack."

Shiki whipped around, and Hisui swung around like a pendulum attached to him. "This chair!" He roared, pointing. "This chair!" He whipped back to face forward again, swinging Hisui the other way. "I thought this chair was my best friend, and he's... with my little sister!"

*Tears up* That was brilliant. I wonder how their children will look like?