2nd Annual Fate/Regalia Write-OFF
2nd Annual
FATE/REGALIA WRITE OFF
A competition for all the players of the RP, this is your chance to acquire various fabulous and fantastic prizes that you an use to help your journey in the RP-proper! To participate is simple: contact your ever humble and magnificent liege, Verg Avesta, and have your character rolled and NPC partner. Write a story as described below and then sent it to your Venerable Leader as a PM or a google docs file. Then wait in anticipation as the stories are incorporated into a larger narrative, and weaved into a whimsical tale of comedy and merriment, all happening in the world of Fate/Regalia!
This Year’s Topic:
Manzai
Write a manzai skit featuring your PC and your NPC partner. This skit is meant to happen in an “actual” (the use of quotation marks implies sarcasm) competition inside the RP. Therefore, try to keep it at least a little in character. The style that the competition is trying to emulate is that of the M-1 Grand Prix Manzai competitions, and more specifically, their Touhou-parody variants. Therefore, if you are in need of inspiration, look up those videos in Youtube, or just look below for an example skit.
Prizes
1. Unique tailored just for you, in the manner of Len and other such creatures.
2. A mysterious and a rare item from a Deva of your choice.
3. A choice between a date with a Muse, or being assistant-for-a-day for a Dormitory Head of your choosing.
Enoa Barellista sighed in annoyance. She had been sitting in the same chair for half a day now, while she could have been back in her hospital, saving lives. Instead, she had to watch that said life slowly dying in the eyes of her fellow judges as they waded through the sea of half-assed manzai and poorly thought-out routines.
Indeed, they were in Studio B of Selene Dome, going through the list of applicants who wanted to enter the first ever OLYMPUS M-1 Grand Prix tournament.
Or as many put it: the worst idea to come out of Fujou Suzuka’s brains since Paralympic Air-ball tournament. Enoa wasn’t sure if they had actually recovered the wheelchair that had crash-landed into New Delhi.
Still, it was a job for her to do. She had agreed to help with thinning the crowd of hopefuls, as well as to take care of the Losers’ Bracket that would undoubtedly have their own party while the actual competition was going on.
Therefore, with tired eyes and sluggish wave, she called out the next duo to step on the stage.
“Next!” Enoa yelled.
The mastermind and the bizarrokind!
A suspicious hippie and suspiciouser hippie, just what sort of strangeness can Zero and Verde bring forth in this manzai? Will the audience be able to even understand where the jokes are hidden?
The leaf-green squall of puns is about to begin…!
Entry Number: 645
V and Z's Comedy Jamboree!
Verde: “Hello, everypyon~!”
Zero: “He--- wait. Pyon?”
Verde: “Mm, pyon.”
Zero: “I, no… huh? Pyon? What’s that even supposed to mean?”
Verde: “ Pyon is pyon! Now try it! We’ve got a manzai to do!”
Zero: “… Whatever. Hello, everypyon?”
Verde: “Yes, yes, hello everypyon! We’re V and Z's Jamboree!”
Zero: “Yes, nice to meet you all.”
Verde: “Let’s do our best, yes!”
Verde slapped Zero on the back with enough force to nearly knock the boy down the stage, and followed up with an oddly inflated laughter. While the boy was recovering, the Muse pushed on, taking charge of the manzai.
Verde: “You know Zero, I was rather looking forward to partnering up with you. I mean, people always tell me I’m megassa lazy and don’t do my job properly. Something something about lacking “spirit of an honest worker,” see? But you, from what I know, work really hard every day!”
Zero: “Well, that’s kind of you to say. But the truth is, I hang around just as much as the next guy.”
Verde: “Hooh, really. I thought you were the busy-bee-bling-bling type. So, does that mean you’re like me and take a lot of naps?”
Zero: “As if. Whenever I fall asleep, Murderer strings me up somewhere.”
Verde: “Like a dried up ham?”
Zero: “Just like a dried up ham.”
Verde: “I guess you could say he’s just ham-mocking you, then.”
The moment those words left Verde’s mouth, Zero brought forth a white harisen hidden behind his back, and slapped the Muse upside her head with it. Too bad, then, that because of his STR score, Zero only managed to make the girl tilt her head a bit to the side.
Zero: “What did we agree on? No puns! You’ll ruin the manzai, idiot!”
Verde: “Okaaaaaay~”
Verde pouted a bit, but cleared her throat and pushed on. Meanwhile, Zero put his harisen away, though kept it close at hand.
Verde: “So, anyways: Where is Murderer right now? In the audience?”
Zero: “No, he said he couldn’t make it tonight. Maybe he’s got a date, and is getting a little excitement to his life?”
Verde: “Little? Is he going after small girls again!?”
The studio rang with the beautiful sound of harisen meeting idiot’s head again. Zero’s calm façade seemed to a bit thinly spread when he took a hold of Verde’s arm and dragged her to the side of the stage, out of the view of the spotlight. There, he continued the conversation with a furious whisper.
Zero: “What are you trying to do?”
Verde: “Huh?”
Zero: “First pun, now loli jokes? Are you trying to get us disqualified? Are you trying to get me thrown to jail? Who do you think is the one who is going to suffer if people find out about his "preferences"?!"
Verde: “Hooh?”
Zero: “Please, try to do this properly. No more puns, and no more thinly veiled allegations that my Servant is a lolicon. Got it?”
Verde: “U-um. Okay.”
Zero: “Okay, let’s get back.”
The two hurried back to the spotlight, into the view again, where the stares of the judges were growing ever colder by the minute.
Zero: “O-okay then, let’s get back to the manzai, shall we?”
Verde: “Yes, yes! Let’s do this! So, Zero?”
Zero: “What?”
Verde: “How’s that damn lolicon-Servant of yours doing?”
On this third time, the harisen must have reached escape velocity as it hit Verde’s face.
Zero: “What is wrong with you!? I just said not to say stuff like that anymore!”
Verde: “But I thought you didn’t want me to be vague about it!”
Zero: “I wanted you not to mention it at all, imbecile!”
Verde: “Well, next time, be more specific. I can’t know everything you want me to do unless you say it clearly.”
Hearing those words, Zero squats down on the stage, holding his head and with a hopeless look in his eyes.
Zero: “Uurgh… denpa… this is why I hate this girl… she’s too denpa…!”
Verde: “Though, speaking of spending your free time, lately I’ve been having a hard time to get my friends to hang out with me.”
Zero: “W-why is that?”
Verde: “They say that I’m too blunt and not nice enough.”
Zero: “Well, I can see why that would hamper your relationships, yes…”
Verde: “Oh, that’s right. You’re a smooth talker, right? Criminal, almost? How do you get people to like you?”
Zero: “I usually butter them up with some sweet words and compliments about their looks.”
Verde: “Like how?”
Zero: “Well… for example, if I meet a young girl, I’ll compliment how pretty she is looking that day.”
Verde: “Hooh? Can you give me an example?”
Zero: “Sure. Okay, let’s say you and I just met on a street. In that case, I would approach you like this…”
Zero cleared his throat, took a couple of steps back, and then walked up to Verde as if he had just spotted an old friend on a street. He raised his hand in a jovial greeting, big smile on his face.
Zero: “Why hello there, Verde. Looking radiant as ever, I see.”
The answer he got was a downright terrifying glare.
Verde: “Damn right I am.”
Zero: “E-eeeeeh?! What… huh!? Where did that come from!?”
Verde tilted her head at the question, smiling innocently once more.
Verde: “Hm? What do you mean?”
Zero: “But… I just… eeeh!?”
Verde: “What’s wrong?”
Zero: “I’m… not sure. I simply said you were looking radiant today, and—“
Verde: “Damn right I am.”
The eyes that would have fitted better to the face of Conqueror of the Century’s End looked down on Zero, who seemed to be pondering on a quick escape.
Zero: Eeeeeh!?”
Verde: “Hm? What’s up?”
The girl, once again, regained her innocent look. However, Zero had seen enough, and now shook his head in disbelief.
Zero: “Nothing. Just… nothing. Let’s just push on, okay?”
Verde: “Okay-day! So, here I was thinking that other than praising them, I could just get a real job. After all, money can buy friends, right?”
Zero: “Well, sure enough. What sorta job did you think?”
Verde: “I could make suicide notes for Four!”
Zero: “What a great idea, you would always have business! By the way, how are she and Jacques doing these days?”
Verde: “What, you didn’t hear? Four caught him cheating the other day and there was a biggie-smalls fight!
Zero: “Oh my god. Did they break up?
Verde: “No, no. But she swore up and down she would never play monopoly with him again!”
Zero: “Huh? Monopoly? But I thought you meant…”
Verde: “What?”
Zero: “Nothing, just… *clears throat* So, um, how’s their sex life?”
Verde: “Well, Jacquzzi keeps saying it’s a lot like taking a job in the mailroom of a big company.”
Zero: “… Excuse me?”
Verde: “You know, start real low and hope to work your way up!”
Never before had Zero’s forehead met his palm as fast.
Zero: “The sad thing is, this is still better than partnering up with Murderer.”
As if it had been an answer to his prayers, a large comedy hook swung out from behind the curtains of the stage. The difference between normal ones and this one, however, was that the one currently flying towards Zero had a head of a large reaper scythe. Before the boy could even register what was going on, the blade had struck into his shoulder and yanked him off the stage.
He was soon replaced by a man in a stage mask.
Murderer: “Sorry about that folks, technical difficulties and all!”
Verde: “Murderer! Glad you could make it! But is Zerooney going to be okay?”
Murderer: “What? Oh, master? That? Don’t worry! If that little was enough to kill him he would have been dead ages ago.”
Verde: “Here I thought Servants were supposed to treat their Masters better, you know…”
Murderer: “Treat him better? I treat master like royalty! Why, just the other day he came home worried about his job at the bookstore, thinking he might be fired. I tried to help him out, of course.”
Verde: “Aww, that was nice of you. How’d you do it?”
Murderer: “I thought some getting fired roleplay would ease his mind.”
Verde: “Roleplay, huh? How’d it go?”
Murderer: “Not so good. He woke up as I was just getting the first Molotov lit!”
Verde: “Oh, such a shame. Roleplay can be an effective way to prepare for real-life situations, after all. You know, like how kids play home and all that…”
Murderer: “Actually, we’ve been roleplaying home with Master and this Shizuku girl back at the Taima dorms. It really creates some sense of unity.”
Verde: “Oh? How do you go on about it, then?”
Murderer: “Well, Master plays the nervous mom, Shizuku plays the scared kid, and I play the dead-beat dad who comes home late at night and beats the mother with a whiskey bottle.”
Verde: “Such a loving family life~”
The two of them, Verde and Murderer, chuckled heartily and with big smiles on their faces. However, that fund did not last long, as suddenly Murderer bended over, clutching at his chest.
Murderer: “Damn... The Command Seal…!”
Zero: “Murderer, by the power of this Command Spell, get off the stage!”
Murderer: “There you go again, Master, ordering me around like a piece of meat.”
Verde: “Oh. You do realize he’s only doing what you are doing to him, right?”
Murderer & Zero: “He is?”
Verde: “Yeah! After all… he’s ham-mocking you!”
Murderer & Zero: “Cut it out already!”
And with that, the three of them took a bow towards the judges.
Verde: “Thank you for watching!”
Enoa Barellista looked at the hopeful faces on the stage. She heaved out a big sigh, and looked at the judges sitting beside her. All of them, slowly, shook their heads in unison. The consensus had been reached far before this manzai had even come to an end.
And thus, Enoa pulled the lever next to her, opening up the trap door under the manzai duo and sending them plummeting into the darkness.
The last thing they heard from the two was the boy’s, Zero’s, rebellious yell that echoed from the darkness, and faded away.
“No respect at all!”
Enoa sighed and looked at the backstage door.
“Next!” she yelled.