February 29th, 2016
Astolfo requested to go to ancient Egypt to sample the fashion of the civilization at that time period.
Approved.
No report on progress in the ______ singularity.
March 2nd, 2016
Astolfo has returned from ancient Egypt. he requires a walk-in closet now. Now requesting to go to Italy during the Renaissance.
Approved, Da Vinci assigned to supervise.
Beowulf has made some very worrisome comments about hunting ‘the most dangerous game.’
I really hope he doesn’t mean ‘man.’
Okita has been retrieved from ______ with multiple stab wounds.
Nobunaga came back to help, but wouldn’t stop making new holes either and needed to be tranquilized.
The More You Know: It takes two darts full of horse tranquilizer to knock Nobunaga out.
March 13th, 2016
Astolfo and Da Vinci returned from the Renaissance. He has added an entire section of what can only be described as works of art to his wardrobe. He also has a few steampunk outfits that Da Vinci made for him.
This is fine.
No, really, it’s actually fine. Gil’s Golden Rule basically causes us to be flooded with money on a regular basis. Otherwise, we would have a problem.
Beowulf still looking for something dangerous to hunt.
March 15th, 2016
_______ singularity stabilized successfully. We now have Jeanne Alter in our Servant Roster too. Very excited. Jeanne thinks of the Avenger as a little sister, which is strange for multiple reasons, but between the two of them, our original Jeanne is the more mature.
Beowulf requesting to go back to 66 million b.c. to kill tyrannosaurs. We have no idea what the repercussions of this could be, not whether it's possible to go back that far, but I do know the repercussions of agitating an already very restless Berserker, so approved.… Jeanne and Jeanne Alter both sent to supervise.
March 16th, 2016
Beowulf torn to pieces by velociraptors. He is now in medical receiving treatment for eye gouging, stomach removal, general disembowelment, shredded larynx, and partial castration.
On the bright side, we now know that we can go back to times before mankind walked the earth.
Incidentally, Jeanne Alter now has a pet T-Rex.
Astolfo named him Rory.
Astolfo requesting to go (tenth century Morocco?)
Approved.
March 18th, 2016
Jeanne Alter and Rory sent to a minor singularity and annihilated all resistance. Complete stabilization occurred within nine hours. Rory dragged a mountain of loot back through the rayshift as well, so now Marie Antoinette is looking to go shopping in late nineteenth century Paris.
Approved. Atalante tagging along out of curiosity.
March 25th 2016
No word from Astolfo for several days now. Last communication was on the 21st. Starting to get worried.
Marie returned alone from Paris, apparently having come back early (I actually needed her two days ago). Atalante was caught shoplifting and is now in prison.
I haven’t got the first clue how that happened. Why would she do that?! What would she even have taken?! Sending Hassan of the Cursed Arm to investigate.
Beowulf recovering nicely.
Blackbeard requesting to go to Japan 2015.
Denied.
March 26th, 2016
Hassan has reported back: Atalante stole apples. No joke, she really stole apples. Why me?
Still no word from Astolfo. Sending Hassan of the Hundred Faces to investigate.
Someone flinging spatulas at random passersby with concussive force. Kiyohime suspected.
April 1st, 2016
What a day…
Gilgamesh left a pressure plate in the cafeteria that remotely activated the Gate of Babylon as a joke. Arturia Alter, Paracelsus, Alexander, David, Fran, and Tamamo Cat are all hospitalized, and Gil has gotten off scot-free because what can anyone actually do to stop him?
Other 'hilarious' pranks included:
Tamamo-no-Mae created something called a PaMaWo that encompassed have the building and turning it into some sort of Japanese temple/dance club and trapping a number of Servants inside.
Dr. Roman set the computers to do an ‘Ah-ah-ah, you didn’t say the magic word’ thing a-la Jurassic Park, and nearly gave everyone who saw the movie heart attacks. All his Apple Jacks have been confiscated until further notice.
Shuten-Douji molested Siegfried, Doctor Jekyll, Angra Mainyu, Jason, Gawain, Cú Chulainn, Gilles (the Caster, shockingly), and successfully raped Saint George, Saint Martha, Shirou Kotomine, and for some reason, Nero, who just got really into it and made a sex tape, which leads into the next ‘prank.’
Nero played a sex tape over the intercom.
Medea made an illusion of Arcueid appear in the Fate Summoning System.
Least awful but most mean-spirited by far...
Kiyohime proven innocent: I saw her get hit by a spatula. I later caught the Nameless Archer firing a spatula at Drake, proving him the guilty party. All people hit by spatulas are claimed to have demonstrated terrible behavior beforehand.
…I just love it how there is literally no way I can possibly discipline these people.
No word from Astolfo or Hassan.
April 2nd, 2016
Gilgamesh, Tamamo, Dr. Roman, Nero and Medea all hit in the head with spatulas, and we successfully extracted Atalante from prison.
It was shaping up to be a fairly good day.
Then Jeanne Alter publicly executed Shuten-Douji, which I'll admit was entirely deserved after her absolutely obscene actions yesterday, but it was genuinely horrifying to watch. She was eaten by Rory…
No word from Astolfo or Hassan.
April 5th, 2016
Shuten-Douji summoned by the Fate System, which clearly has a sick sense of humor. Not using this one for missions. Looking for a way to keep her trapped somewhere.
No word from Astolfo or Hassan.
April 7th, 2016
Hassan of the Hundred Faces has returned. Told me that Astolfo is completely fine and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Did not elaborate.
I have a bad feeling about this…
April 12th, 2016
Astolfo is back and is apparently Jewish now. While I personally have no problem with this, as a Paladin of Charlemagne, I can’t imagine that this can possibly be acceptable.
April 14th, 2016
Astolfo lighting Sabbath candles.
Speaks Hebrew fluently.
Then proved that he could also speak Japanese, Spanish, German, Russian, Romanian, Chinese in several different dialects, and Ancient Assyrian, Babylonian, and Dolphinspeak.
In light of all that, especially that last one, the Hebrew really isn't surprising anymore.
April 30th, 2016
Astolfo stopped being Jewish (that was fast). Is now Hindu. Has started spending lots of time with Karna.
Karna seems unenthusiastic about the company. I don't blame him; Astolfo is definitely harshing his mellow.
Shuten-Douji went into Nursery Rhyme's room. I nearly fainted from fright, but that was only the beginning of Atalante's report: The yokai made it all of two steps inside before Atalanta feathered her. Shuten-Douji is now more arrow than flesh, but in all honesty, we need to find a solution to this problem.
May 4th, 2016
Medb scheduled a meeting with me this afternoon just to inform me that she is not into little girls and would not be doing anything to satisfy a certain someone's demonic urges. I hadn't actually thought of that, but I can safely say that would probably only exacerbate the problem. And Medb is already a problem without demonic exposure.
April 35th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
I don't even know how this happened…
April 36th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
CHALDEAS cannot send people forward in time. This has been explained to me several times, so why am I stuck in a future in which kangaroos are the dominant sentient life on earth?
More importantly, why is one of them so attracted to Astolfo? And how is he having so much trouble escaping from her?
He's taken up Shilbism now, which is the most common religion among kangaroos. It worships a specific place in Australia.
April 39th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
Thanks to some help from Altera and (someone who can make farmland), we successfully averted global thermonuclear war by transforming much of the Outback desert into arable land and making much more of the holy land of Australia livable. Returning to Chaldea tomorrow.
May 3rd 2016
We managed to get back, but we all had to hide in a broom closet to avoid being found by ourselves and potentially creating a time paradox. Also, I don't want to know how it happened, but Astolfo is traumatized and worried he may have impregnated a very nice, if aggressive, kangaroo. He repeatedly insists that he never wanted it in the first place, and everyone believes him. Except Nero, for some reason… He's also distraught that he's abandoned her, which is apparently not a very Paladinly thing to do. I tried to reassure him that she'll probably never exist if we successfully stop Solomon, but he just started crying.
May 5th, 2016
Everything back to normal.
Gil's Gate of Babylon April Fools victims have all recovered and trained themselves back to peak performance too.
Unfortunately, Drake rayshifted to the Caribbean of the Georgian era without permission and singlehandedly caused a singularity to emerge there. (or is it 'then?')
Mashu and I are joining Nero, Tamamo, Young Gilgamesh, Heracles, Vlad III, Cú Chulainn (Lancer class), and our newest Servant (she calls herself Mysterious Heroine X) to take her down.
Astolfo decided to tag along as well to take his mind off things. He's Christian again, by the way.
May 6th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
Drake. Went. Nuts!
By the time we got here, she already had an entire goddamn fleet! This is going to be a nightmare…
May 7th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
Required Resources: Ship, Crew.
Available Resources: None.
We're doomed.
May 12th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
Ship: Acquired
Crew: Acquired
Means of Acquisition: Gate of Babylon.
Money apparently can buy happiness.
Or at least relieve me of the crushing stress of carrying humanity's fate on my shoulders while one of my own people ruins everything.
Mashu doing pirate cosplay. Looks like a Pirates of the Caribbean character but with zettai ryouiki. We went on a not-date to a tavern near the docks, and ate what the proprietor said was "salmon… I think". Whatever it was, Tamamo examined it before we ate it and said it was disease free, and it tasted good.
May 14th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
Gil, Tamamo, and Vlad turned Drake's fleet to driftwood. I think most of her pirate recruits survived, but as long as they can't shoot at us, I'm happy.
We've got her cornered. She made a mistake around a nearby peninsula and boxed herself in before she could readjust her course.
Won't be long now.
May 16th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
I have no idea how she's doing it, but she's holding us off.
June 2nd, 2016
It's taken us almost a month to take her down without making her mess even bigger. I'm just glad we're finished with her. Now we can get back to the next serious singularity, and I can continue trying to solve our Shuten-Douji problem.
At least one good thing came of today: I now have video footage of Drake being scolded by Cú Chulainn while wearing a public shaming sign. She had to sit on the floor outside the cafeteria for the rest of the day wearing it. It said "I have less self-control than a magpie, stole enough crap to create a time paradox, and am a bad, bad girl."
I don't know about those first two things, but that last one was pretty hilarious. The Nameless Archer agreed to enforce her punishment. And she's grounded for a month.
Finally, accountability! Dr. Roman, Da Vinci, Mashu and I are all beside ourselves with joy about this.
June 15th, 2016
Shuten-Douji attacked Jeanne. Thank heaven there are no distractions in the foreseeable future.
Tamamo volunteered to help us build what she calls a Servant Slammer/Demon Dock, and what we call an inescapable yokai-Servant prison. She even volunteered to test how painful the 'cage' is to touch in exchange for a box of assorted shampoos. I sent Marie Antoinette to go buy them ASAP.
Drake requesting to go to Timbuktu.
DENIED!!!
June 25th, 2016
Servant Slammer coming along nicely. Shuten-Douji aware but not concerned.
Jeanne Alter complaining that Rory's had a persistent tummy ache. Went to see Dr. Roman says that he can't help because he doesn't know anything about being a veterinarian or a paleontologist.
Also, Jeanne Alter used the term 'tummy ache.' She's cute when she's embarrassed. Mashu surreptitiously took a picture on her phone.
Drake requesting to go to Timbuktu again…as she has every day since she first asked.
Still denied. What about being grounded does she not understand?
July 3rd, 2016 — Morning
As of yesterday, Drake isn't grounded anymore, so I had to stop treating her like a little kid. In all honesty, I'm kind of disappointed. It was fun putting her in her place after that stunt she pulled.
She's still requesting to go to Timbuktu.
Approved, to make her stop asking.
July 3rd, 2016 — Afternoon
Drake back from Timbuktu and furious. I just informed her that she's been here for months and could have found out what the place was any time she wanted. It would have been a good way to spend her free time. You know, as opposed to, just for example, causing an extra singularity!
According to her, Timbuktu was supposed to be a city of gold that was filled with riches beyond people's imaginations.
In reality, it was, in fact, a collection of mud huts. The mud huts weren't filled with treasure either. They were filled with simple tools. And mud.
July 10th, 2016
Astolfo feeling a lot better lately. He's spending a lot of time with J'Alter and Rory. That dinosaur's actually kind of cute when he's not stomping around and breaking things.
August 1st, 2016
Rory's gone. And it wasn't a peaceful death either. According to Jeanne Alter, her sister and Astolfo, Shuten-Douji (the one we thought was dead!) tore her way out of his belly. The Jeannes and Astolfo demolished her, and she's dead for sure this time, but there was no saving poor Rory.
Astolfo's taking this even harder than Jeanne. I've gotta say though, it's kind of weird that he's more torn up about this than he was about that time he was raped by a kangaroo.
Was that really only three months ago? It feels like years…
August 29th, 2016 — Afternoon
Beowulf requesting to go back to the Cretaceous Period.
Denied. I'm no genius, but I'm not that stupid.
August 29th, 2016 — Night
Beowulf forced me to let him go. He twisted my arm. Literally. Sending Atalante, Astolfo, Cú Chulainn, Medusa, and Lancelot to supervise. Preferably unseen.
Honestly, they're like children some of these heroes.
August 30th, 2016
Beowulf ripped to pieces by Deinonychuses. He is now in medical receiving treatment for moderate to severe dismemberment (whatever that means), near-complete disembowelment, partial decapitation, and sudden pelvis loss.
Honestly, if this is how well he handles dinosaurs, I've gotta wonder how he managed to kill that dragon.
September 1st, 2016 — Noon
Jeanne Alter's gone missing. We're searching the facility right now, but I'm getting worried.
September 1st, 2016 — Evening
My worst fears have been realized: Jeanne Alter rayshifted without permission, and deleted her destination! We have no idea where she's gone, when she's gone, or how we're even supposed to start looking for her! I suppose we'll just have to wait until a new anomaly shows up on CHALDEAS…
September 3rd, 2016 — Morning
Jeanne Alter came back, to everyone's great relief. Unfortunately, she came back with a giant egg she purports to have found in the lair of a certain dragon who was the basis for Gollum. Apparently she saw Sigurd but he didn't see her, which I suppose is for the best. A certain Lancer however is just beside herself with envy.
Just to put it on the record, I'm not sure how Fafnir could even have had an egg, considering Fafnir was definitely a he, but either way, if this thing hatches, we're probably going to be in trouble.
Mashu's been looking to get some time off, so I gave her the weekend. She sounded strangely urgent about it. I think I'll check on her later to see if she's okay.
September 3rd, 2016 — Afternoon
I knocked on Mashu's door, and she sounded incredibly flustered and wouldn't let me inside. I hope she's okay.
Jekyll attempting to convince Jack to wear pants. No success.
September 4th, 2016
Mashu still avoiding me. I've noticed several people going to and from Mashu's room today. Mostly Marie, but also Mata Hari, the Nameless Archer, and Jeanne.
Jeanne Alter on the other hand has spent all her time since returning watching her new egg wearing a creepy grin the whole time.
September 5th, 2016
Mashu extended a formal invitation to me for a private dinner in her room.
Is this why she was avoiding me? How much has she been preparing?
September 6th, 2016 — Morning
It only occurred to me when I saw her last night that I'd never seen Mashu in a dress before. She looks fantastic in it by the way. Dinner was really nice. I almost had my first kiss last night… but Kiyohime barged in brandishing a meat cleaver.
September 6th, 2016 — Noon
Mashu is positively mortified, and it's entirely Kiyohime's fault. I was wondering how I was going to discipline her, when to my total shock, Heracles showed up and carved a crude diagram on one of the cafeteria tables depicting a man carrying a torch chained to a rock, with a bird on top of him.
I'm assuming that he was suggesting that we chain Kiyohime to a boulder and have an eagle eat her liver every day as was the case with Prometheus, however, I'm not sure where I can procure an eagle that will be so specific, so instead, I've put Da Vinci to work constructing a mystic code tentatively called Berserker-Proof Chains, and Heracles has gone to fetch a boulder from an in-progress singularity.
September 6th, 2016 — Afternoon
Well, that was fast. Note to self; everyone works harder when the aim is to punish someone who made Mashu cry.
Kiyohime has been successfully bound to a rock, and in the absence of an obnoxious talking eagle that will eat her liver every day, we have instead requisitioned the Nameless Archer to pelt her with an infinite number of spatulas while Tamamo makes lame puns all day long.
Heracles doesn't seem very motivated to rescue this one.
September
Mashu came to find me a few minutes As far as completely ruined dates go, I _________________________
September 20th, 2016
That egg J'Alter brought back is starting to move. I thought I was agitated by this, but Dr. Roman has been practically bouncing off the walls of his office.
October 1st, 2016
The egg hatched. Much to everyone's astonishment, what emerged from inside was a lamia, not a dragon.
Astolfo named her Charlotte.
She seems to think Jeanne Alter is her mom, and has taken a shine to—you guessed it—Astolfo. She's fully grown and completely articulate already, which I find sketchy, but at the same time, I suppose it might be better this way…? At least she can communicate?
October 13th, 2016
It is most certainly not better this way. I don't know why I ever thought so. She's tried to mate with Astolfo twice already, and he's having flashbacks to his kangaroo trauma. Incidentally, I'm sure that there must be one or two pervs around here who'd actually want to do it with a snake. Why are all the non-humans so hot and bothered about Astolfo?
Maybe they like bishounen characters?
October 31st, 2016
Found Mashu in my room in her pirate costume.
I don't kiss and tell. Those who do not respect a lady's privacy are scum and deserve to suffer the same injuries that Beowulf incurs every time he tries to hunt a dinosaur. Also, this is an incident manual, not a diary.
That's all I'll say. You will get no more details about the events that took place here tonight.
November 1st, 2016
Woke up in Senpai's bed this morning. Dream come true.
We heard some sort of commotion outside so I didn't get to cuddle as long as if have liked. We found Kiyohime chained to a rock again. I'm pretty sure she's going to try and kill me in my sleep now.
November 1st, 2016
Okay, apparently you did get more details. I wasn't expecting Mashu to write in my incident log.
Kiyohime has been hit with a command seal and if she ever even tries to harm Mashu, she will end up becoming a much more conventional type of servant. For Mashu of course. This possibility has increased Kiyohime's hostility towards me, but has made her terrified of so much as showing Mashu any sort of aggression. Command seal well used, in my opinion.
November 9th, 2016
New anomaly opened up in the early twentieth century.
Epicenter appears to be in Antarctica. Astolfo demanding to go. Wants to see penguins and possibly make friends with all of them.
I really hope none will try to have sex with him, but with his current UIRR (Unintended Interspecies Relationship Record), I'm not holding my breath.
Approved. Nobunaga standing on as a bodyguard, and Tamamo going to threaten the local fauna in case of an emergency.
I also sent Medb along, she could be useful with her chariot's capacity to roll across snow.
November 10th, 2016
Astolfo made friends with lots of penguins.
Surprisingly, none tried to mate with him.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Medb who 'somehow' got gangbanged by her horses…?
Astolfo tracked the anomaly to a nearby mountain range. Nobunaga and Tamamo joining, Medb recalled, replaced by Iskandar. Plans to fly into the mountains underway.
- - - Updated - - -
This next series of entries culminates with an At The Mountains of Madness gag, with Nobunaga going completely insane (which naturally doesn't change her behavior at all) and all members of the expedition swearing never to say what hey witnessed.
Originally Posted by Express
Reply With Quote
