[Alright, folks. It's about time Marisa sees this and about time I repost this fanfic, the one that gained me critical acclaim (Read: Unwarranted Self Importance and Small Name Big Ego.) from BL. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mambo Number 5 Shinji Matou's Guide to Murder.

Here goes nothing.]

[Disclaimer and Warning: I don’t own the Type-Moon characters, settings and elements presented in this fanfiction; this work is a tribute to the creators of Fate/ Stay Night, and therefore not to be used for profit.

This fanfiction may contain any of the following themes: violence, language, death and other inappropriate imagery and themes that may offend some sensibilities. Please exercise an open-mind when reading this fanwork. Also, the work is set in an alternate universe.]

Shinji Matou’s Guide to Murder

Introduction: Say Hello to the Bastard!

I’m Shinji Matou. I came from a clan whose lineage consists of Magi, with Zouken Matou, an absurdly old magus, as its patriarch. Our clan originated from the Makiri clan, coming from some damned European or Asian country whose name I do not know anymore and for some reason, they moved here in Japan and changed their names as Matou. Around two hundred years ago, our clan started to lose their Magic Circuits, showing less and less of these Circuits in every generation. That old man said because the land of Japan is like “rejecting” our clan, much like a body to a transplanted organ.

And guess what; I don’t have any Magic Circuits, therefore making me incapable of practicing Magic and making me totally useless, at least to that old fart.

To save us from totally losing our status as a Magi clan; Zouken tried to adopt a child from another clan, the Tohsaka, in an attempt to solve this problem. That adopted child was a girl, and her name?

Sakura Matou. Her arrival on our side meant I would no longer be the heir of our clan. This is the very reason why I totally hate that slut.

They implanted her parasites or worms that would amplify her abilities as a Magus and drain her Mana. And because anything has their own set of side effects, these worms feed on her carnal desires and therefore, making her hornier each passing day. And since she is always asking for some screwing because of that, someone has to answer these impulses.

That’s the only time I’ve had a use for Zouken. And it’s also a chance for me to make her feel how much I hated her.

By raping her. Every. Single. Day.

Alright. Snap back to the present day. It’s been eleven years since I’ve been taking orders from Zouken. And his latest order? It’s just the same: Rape the slut at least once a day. For me, it’s just like vitamins. For her, I dunno. Maybe she likes it. She doesn’t fight at all. Not even complain or whine. Am I a rapist with what I’m doing? Maybe. As I said, I think she likes it. And it’s not “rape” if you like it. Right?

Right?!

But anyway, aside from me being the original heir of the Matou clan, I’ve also been dating a lot of ladies in my school, Homurabara Academy. You heard it right. A lot of ladies. I’m popular with all of them. They talk about me, they go crazy about me, and they love me. I dunno about the guys. I heard hate me. They’re just jealous anyway.

But I got this friend named Shirou Emiya, a former member of the Archery Club which yours truly is the Captain of. He’s just like any other idiot you could find in Homurabara, but what’s interesting about him is he’s considered the “fake janitor” of our school. He fixes broken electronics. He cleans the school like a janitor. He never denies errands. And with a friend like him, I surely could go out of school early and date all my girls, without any worry of who will clean the Archery Range. All I have to do is to simply ask him to clean it and, of course, wait for him to answer yes, which he always does. Without any exceptions. What an idiot.

And guess what, my slut little sister as a crush on Shirou. In fact, she visits him everyday. Pairing an idiot with a slut? I’d like to imagine. It’s just too amusing.

But since we are talking about me here, let’s just say that I got fed up with screwing that Sakura whore. Why? First of all, I was just thinking: does raping her make me the Matou heir now? No. Absolutely not. There are many times that I don’t feel horny at all and I seriously still have to rape her! Geez, I’m starting to feel like her fucktoy already, when the supposed reaction is she’s my sex doll. Second, I seriously need to get laid with other girls. What if one day I do it with another girl and then, I screw Sakura up when I get home? Then it was already too late that I discovered I’ve had STD. Double jeopardy. Not just that I get some dirty or painful disease, I also passed it to Sakura. And since she visits Shirou daily, that guy might find out what I’m doing to her and discover anything that happens inside our house. And last but not the list…I’m tired of us being like a minion to that old skeleton. He thinks I’m useless anyway, and all I can do is to fuck my adopted little sister.

And I finally got an idea.

Why don’t I just kill that bitch, dump her body somewhere and claim that I know nothing of how she was murdered? That’s it! I first kill her, then rape her and finally dump her body somewhere but in our house! But wait, raping a corpse is necrophilia. And that’s disgusting. I know now! First I rape her, and then I kill her, and then dump the body! Perfect plan!

But I should first find a way on how to kill her without me being suspected.