I apologize for nothing.
Please don't kill me. I don't know why I wrote this, but... it amused me, for at least a short span of time.
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Shirou's Unfortunate Erection
He could barely tell where he was going, his only goal to escape from the blue-suited man that had invaded his home and, not long ago, killed him.
'Aha!' Thought the teen as he rushed out of his single story house and saw the shed that stood in his backyard. It was a dead end, but at least he could try to hide, hoping that the man chasing after him would just give up and go away.
Looking all about, he tried to find another way to evade the man, who was now brandishing a lance in his hand, holding it forward. Soon enough he would charge, and Emiya Shirou would once again be killed. He couldn't allow that, no. Wasn't there anyone who could help him? The police, a passerby, anyone? How was he supposed to deal with this crazed murderer by himself?
Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her.
A girl, not just any girl, but Rohsaka Tin – wait, no, that wasn't it. He chastised himself. What was her name again? He barely knew her, and yet her name, simple and memorable, was on the tip of his tongue. She was the school idol, smart, popular, hot...
“Tohsaka!” He shouted. That was her name, yeah!
… but how was she supposed to help him? Shirou sighed, becoming depressed again, and then his heart started beating faster than ever, as if he had run a marathon. Tohsaka had turned to look at him, and that was when it struck him – not the lance, not any weapon the blue man may have had. What he saw, just close enough, was a flash of stark white panties underneath Tohsaka's skirt. She'd jumped and turned at exactly the right angle to accidentally give Shirou as quick but incredibly vivid show of everything he'd ever wanted to see: the outline of her flushed skin in the moonlight, her ripe thighs so gorgeous he just wanted to reach out and squeeze them, and the delicious curves of her rear, an amazing scene that he promised to himself to never, ever forget.
So, his beating heart wasn't because of the mental patient with the spear chasing after him, breathing heavily like some kind of horror movie stalker, but instead because he, Emiya Shirou, had all of a sudden become very, very horny. There was a bulge in his pants, but as he ran he couldn't spare the time to cover it up, so he ignored everything, closing his eyes and diving into his shed and making a hasty prayer to whatever gods may have been watching him, to lend a hand against the Blue Man Group reject and maybe even get him an in with Tohsaka. It was the constant though of her thin white panties that kept him going through those trying times.
Though his closed eyes dimmed it, all around him rose a gleaming light, and the whole shed shook with the force of an earthquake. He swallowed, not wanting to know what terrible kind of death was about to visit him just then.
Or maybe, it was the appearance of an angel.
Yeah, he wanted that. A pretty angel, with a tiny skirt that was barely decent, and when she just so happened to drop something and bend over-
That thought didn't help him whatsoever. His erection was squirming in his pants, desperate to get out. Taking in a deep breath, and still believing that the end was near for him, he decided to grant his loins their last wish, and exposed his most precious organ to the cool night air.
The light faded, all at once, and everything was as absolutely still as it ever could have been.
“I ask of you,” Came a man's voice, “Do you happen to be my Master?”
Shirou opened his eyes. Who was this person speaking to him? What did he want? And what was all this business about a Master? Well, whatever. If he wasn't dead, then anything was fine in his books. He checked around and it was just his shed surrounding him, so he definitely wasn't in heaven, and this guy didn't seem like an angel.
He was wearing a helmet, probably made of bronze or something like that, and he had a bushy brown beard and a fairly colourful tunic. It was a surprisingly happy sight, to be honest.
Except, the man wasn't wearing any pants.
In fact, below his waist was the biggest penis Shirou had ever seen – n-not that he went around looking at penises or anything, jeez – and immediately his own fainted, completely turned off and frankly unable to compare to this obviously virile man's proud shaft.
Before Shirou could respond in any way other than covering up his dick, the strange man dashed out of the shed. Though he was greatly disturbed, Shirou couldn't help but wonder exactly what was going on outside, and saw the blue murderer being... oh, God.
The guy with the enormous penis was, well, beating the blue man with his throbbing manhood, as if it were some kind of sword or club – and it was definitely the right size to be either of those, much to Shirou's embarrassment.
Needless to say, he beat off the – oh no, that just sounds wrong...
The big-dicked – shit, that's just as terrible, how can you explain this... sigh.
The blue spearman was chased off by the well endowed guy who couldn't help but shake his manhood about. Shirou feared for his own future, and really had to wonder how he would deal with someone like this being spotted near his house. His reputation would never be the same, alas.
With the speed of a thunderclap, the man had returned to the shed. He asked the teenager, who was still on his back and in shock, the same question he had when he first appeared, just over a minute ago, still very much pantsless.
“You are my Master, correct? You called me, after all.” He made no attempt whatsoever to hide his dick, letting it flop about. Disturbingly enough, he was just as hard as ever. N-not that Shirou was noting that any more than other things around the room, no, it just, er, stood out. There were some, uh, pretty exciting... pots and pans in there, too, I'll have you know, I'm just talking about the giant penis because it was... because!
Slowly, Shirou nodded. “I-I... guess so? I don't even know who you are, so I'm kinda... in the dark here; how did I, uh, call you, then?”
The man crossed his arms and grinned a wide grin. “Your stone hard erection was the catalyst for my summoning,Master, for I am none other than the Protector of Fertility,” He paused, for dramatic effect and for gathering his breath, then said,
“Heroic Spirit Priapus!”
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Originally Posted by Komrade Kwestions
