There's just Skelton ones, I'm not even close to finshaed with Cain. It's just that his story in the bible is kinda shirt so I don't have much to work on.
There's just Skelton ones, I'm not even close to finshaed with Cain. It's just that his story in the bible is kinda shirt so I don't have much to work on.
Originally Posted by mAc Chaos
.
There Skelton sheets, I like to get what other Peale think before I start. And then I use what they say to create a final. I have great ideas, but am cursed with a difficulty of actually in
lmenting them properly so I liked my ideas to be criqued, before I do teh final one.
Cain: For one thing, this sheet is quite possibly even more rushed and sloppy then the last one. You really ought to take some more time to insure these come out properly. Also, if you're actually serious about making mythico-historical Servants you should be putting these in the main Create-A-Servant section, rather then Modern Fiction.
As for the sheet itself... Like I did before, I'll be quoting your sheet and leaving my own comments/suggestions in blue.
Sorry if I came off as a little snippy, but honestly there's not much else to say given how sparse your sheets are (and this one even worse then the last in that regard). Frankly I agree with the posters above, you really need to be taking a good long look at how the other posters around here write and format things before you make anymore of these. I've been trying to give helpful feedback, but it won't be any good if you keep churning out more of... whatever these are.
Otherwise, it's really not worth putting in the effort of critiquing; no offense.
Last edited by RoydGolden; January 7th, 2017 at 10:10 PM.
I'm new here and I would like to bring the famous Hou Yi to the spotlight. Focusing more on the fact that he is the God Of Archery and the spirit of the Yang rather than the fact that he slayed 9 suns and the other beings he exterminated on his story, While still doing some changes to his background,so please, read his background.
True name - Hou Yi
Class - Archer, Berserker
Stats
STR-B END-B
AGL-A MAG-B
LCK-C NP-A++
Legend
Ever since the Existance know as the God of Archery, Hou Yi, came to be, he had his fated bow alongside him, the supreme weapon capable of striking down any living being,including the immortals. And they share a history of killing together
It all beguins when the 10 sun-birds that were responsible for giving heat and light to the planet decided to rampage and all of them go out at the same time,instead of only one as it was their function. This caused the Earth to became a scorching desert where no living being could ever hope to live. To prevent the destruction of all life on Earth, the sun's mother called Hou Yi and his bow,often treated as an existence by itself, to try to convince the sun-birds to go back to their normal function. Hou Yiprodly accepts the job and go talk to the sun-birds. The conversation goes badly and the sun-birds makes Hou Yi go mad for the first time and be sure of the idea that the only way of saving the Earth is by killing the suns. He asks his bow if he is allowed to utilize it's powers.His bow consent with his user and awakens, Hou yi shots 9 arrows, that instantly kills 9 sun-birds and before he began to ready the last arrow, his bow denies it an and stops the awakening, making Hou Yi go back to reason and realizes that if he kills all the suns, the Earth will be doomed with eternal cold and darkness. He makes the last sun-bird work day after day until the ends of time and go back to the gods home.
The mother of the sun-birds was not satisfied with the outcome of the situation, cursing him for killing her sons and banishing him to the realmof the mortals that he cared so much for,stripping him of his immortality. For the surprise of both of them, his bow followed him to Earth as he was still a whorty wielder
On Earth, Hou Yi decides living his life as a human by being a monster slayer and solver problem. He started killing a lot of monsters, demons ,and even some divine spirits that treatened his dear mortals. He became famous and was aknowledged as a hero. He got wed and was the happyest man alive.
After a few years, he is offered a chance to become immortal again by gaining 2 immortality potions if he build a palace on the sun for a god. He starts buildinjg and after almost 2 years he completes, receiving his dear prize.
He go back homeand his wife is not there,he places the potions on a chest and go hunting. His wife arives homeand found the 2 bottles. She thinks that was a new drink and drinks both of them. When Hou Yi arrives at home, she is ascending to the moon as a new god.
Perplexed by this event, he goes mad,hye stops being the benevolent hero and becomes the ruthless tyrant that do as he please. His bow continue to let himself be wielded by Hou Yi, but no longer awakens anymore as his user had lost the sight of what's trivial and what's important.
After some time,one of his disciples ambushs him at the wood and with a group of other people , they finish the tale of the archer. His bow stays by his sideuntil the very end,having no whorty user on the Earth.
After his death, his spirit ascend to the sun,where he builds a palce for himself and live there enjoying hispseudo-divinity. His bow goes to him and make company to him, as he can't leave the sun and can't even see hisbeloved wife no more.
Personal Skills
Prana Burst(flames)-A: As the personification of the Yang,he can call it's flames topowerup his weaponsor incinerate his surroundings. It can be used with every Noble phantasm that he owns to power up
Presence detection-B: He can detect every presence, even hidden ones, on a radius of 200 meters around him. beyond that, up to a 500 meters, he have a feeling telling that somethin is there, alAttought with not much precision, much like his instinct warning him.
Yang-EX: Being the spirit of the Yang, he is more powerfull when the sun is up on the sky, receiving a 2 rank boost on every stats beside Luck. If summoned as Berserker, his Mad Enchantment becomes active only when Yang is active too
Beloved By The Moon-B: Being married to the spirit of the Yin,that is representated by the moon, he receives a blessing that calms his spirit and prevents him from suffering while the moon is up on the sky. It increases his natural defenses and his natural healing, giving a 1 rank boost on his End, a 2 rank boost on his magical resistance, and greatly increasing his recovery. Simple wounds can be recovered in seconds and even fatal wounds can be survived. if he is summoned as a Berserker, his Mad Enchantment will be halted , giving him his normal rational capabilitie and not receiving the aditional power. If both the sun and the moon are on the sky (as for briefs moments at dawn and dusk, and on some days of the year where the moon can be spotted all day ) both skills are activated at full power. If he is summoned as a Berserker,he will receive his Mad Enchantment boost while mantainning his sanity.
Divinity-A: Being a god that was revoked of his title and turned on a mortal, then had ascended to the sunonhis death, he posses a high rank divinity
Clairvoyance-B
Eye Of The Mind(False)-B
Class Skills
As Archer:
Magic Resistance-C: being a god that slayed multiple mytical beings and monster, he has a decent resistance to magic.Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.
Independent Action-A
As Berserker:
Mad Enchantment-C (as Berserker): Rank up for all parameters except Luck and Mana, but in exchange one can no longer think and speak properly. Can only be activated when Yang is activated too
Noble Phantasms
Yongshēng de jiéshù,The end of eternal life
The divine bow of the god of archery, a divine construct said to erase even the existance of a immortal. Altought simple in it's desing,looking like a long bow made of the finest wood, but no special carving on it, it emanates a strong pressure that makes even gods be cautios of it. It has the property to adjust it's size to fit perfectly on it's user preference's withouth losing it's power (How Yi uses it on its original form as any bow is perfect for him).It can only be wielded by those with archery skills that transcend the heavens, those unworthy can't pull the string no matter how hard it tries and even to lift the bow requires a tremend deal of strenght. Upon calling it's true name, the bow will faintly glow,realising an even greater pressure, making the nexts arrows be an araut of death to it's targets.It Can Pierce any protection and strikes with a tremendous force, destroying everything on it's way, stopping at the first live target it hits and causing a tremendous, altought short, shockwave. It can only be used when facing beings that represent a treath to the world, as it refuses to be awakened on mere triffles. It is blocked with Mad enchantment activated as he is unable to discern huge treaths and mere battles
Type: Anty-unity
Rank-A++
Maximum number of targets: 1
Sun's purge
Hou Yi prays to the sun and it is covered in flames, he can unleash the flames to cause a huge explosion around him or he can channel the flames on his arrow and fire, exploding on contact.It is only usable while Yang is activated. It can be powered up by his Prana Burst and/or firing with Yongshēng de jiéshù.
Type: Anty-Army
Rank:A
Maximum number of targets: 1000
Moon's Guidance
Hou Yi prays to the moon while readying an arrow. The arrow shines with a strong moonlight and it's fired. The arrow will keep persuing the target until it hits the target,no matter how far it may be. Upon striking,the aarrow wil explode on apillar of light. It can only be used while "Beloved By The Moon" is activated. Only one arrow may be fired at a time and no other can be launched as one arrow is still at loose. It can be powered up by the use of his prana burst and/or Yongshēng de jiéshù. If both "Yang" and "Beloved By The Moon" are activated, he can use all 3 of his Noble Phantasms at once, altought it requires a tremendous amount of mana.
Notes: his bow, Yongshēng de jiéshù, means "The end of eternal life" on traditional chinese acording to google translator, if there is a mistake , please let me know as I know nothing of this language
Last edited by Dante_Serge; January 12th, 2017 at 08:26 PM.
Hou Yi: For (what I can only presume to be) a first sheet, it's pretty well-done all things considered. Definitely feels like you tried to come up with your own unique take on the character rather then just ripping out parts of other sheets you'd seen around and mashing them together into some grotesque Frankensteinian creation (that analogy may've gotten carried away from me).
That said, there are definitely elements in need of improvement. For one thing, there's frequent spelling errors and instances of neglected spacing between words, making the text a little difficult to read in parts. On a more straightforward level (i.e minus grammar and spelling complaints) other issues can be found as well. For one thing, I don't think his Presence Detection Skill is really necessary, since he already has Clairvoyance to discern distant targets, giving him a further super-instinct on top of that strikes me as just redundant.
I'm also not the most fond of how he has two different Skills granting him distinct advantages under both moonlight and sunlight. Normally conditional buffs like that are balanced by the natural possibility (and in narrative terms, just about inevitability) of the Servant being attacked without those criteria being met. In your case, he gets a buff no matter what, which also happens to be very powerful (the "weaker" solar one giving him two rank ups to already high stats which ought to make him a physical monster in combat). I understand what you were going for mythologically, but to me it feels uncomfortably like rigging a dice game so you win no matter which number it lands on.
If you really want to go with the same rough idea, I'd make it so he suffers certain penalties as well as advantages associated with each Skill, so it's less "he gets a buff no matter what" and more that he's a differently balanced Servant with his own set of strengths and weaknesses depending on what light he's under.
He also has just too many Skills in total. Most Servants have like four Personal ones, the most that showed up in canon (I think?) was St. George with five, whereas this guy has freaking seven! That's too much. In addition to scrapping Presence Detection anyway, I'd suggest getting rid of either Divinity (since most of his divinity was stripped anyway by the end of his life) or Eye Of The Mind (False). Oh and, for formatting I think it makes more sense to put Class Skills first. Or at least, that's how almost everybody around here arranges things.
NPs are fine. I don't really have a problem with them.
- - - Updated - - -
Also, I didn't even notice what thread this was in the first time, but this shouldn't be in Modern Fiction. Blame venomking for muddling things but this thread is for turning fictional characters from modern-day franchises (Harry Potter, Star Wars, Gurren Lagann, etc) into Heroic Spirits. Mythical figures like Hou Yi (unless you're going with a version of them presented in some modern franchise, which doesn't appear to be the case) should just go over in the regular Create-A-Servant section.
I mean, it wasn't a big loss before since venomking's sheets were, sorry to say it, pretty crappy but this Hou Yi one is good enough that (at least with a little polish) I could definitely see it fitting in amongst the main thread.
Last edited by RoydGolden; January 12th, 2017 at 08:52 PM.
I agree that he has too many skills, I was just trying to put elements from the tale plus elements from the top archers from Fate.
The presense detection was because on some of his hunts he simply knew where his opponent was hidden( i can pick up screenshots or links if needed) so I think that it would be a nice add, but i can take it out . Divinity can't be excluded because every servant that had divinity levels on ther life have divine rank, even if it is "E"
His buffs: i have to maintain the ideia of the sun and moon, maybe I will add the condition that he has to be "bathed" by the light, meaning it will not trigger underground, inside buidings and on clouded wheater where the object in question is blocked. With this i change the berserker stat to "it is always activated unless beloved by the moon is activated" , meaning that underground and etc... He is still berserker
As for errors, it happens, i will try to improve my texting here
About the thread: i simply saw a thread sying that here was the thread to post servants and went on with it, I apologize
Thanks for the feedback, i really apreciate it
class; assassin.
true name: Utsukushi shi
gender:female.
strength:A
endurance: B
mana: EX
NP: EX, B.
Back story: Utsukushi is a humunclues clone of kirstugu emiya, as an attempt to recreate the Mage killer. During her early life she was trained in combat and was given basic learning. On her first mission she was assigned to kill emiya shuorou, during a heated battle which took about 7 days emiya along with rin were able to finally beat her. During this fight Utsukushi began to fall for him in a completely motherly way, and decided to become emiya's shield , she would later join emiya during the great Mage war, her skills become extremely useful, however she was killed years before emiya was betrayed, during a fight against a god like being similar to Angara Maru summoned by a group of mages attempting to summon Hephaestus in order to use his blacksmith abilities to Create there own phantasm she in her dying state made a pact with the counter force and used that power to slay Hephaestus before immediately dying.
Appearance: she is about 6"1, she tends to dress similar to kirstugu, with the exemption of a small neck less given to her as gift from emiya shourou. She has long jet black hair, going to her shoulder blades she ha seed eyes, as sight of her humanclues. Her build is muscled while highly feminin.
Personally: she often withdraws her emotions during fights, but can tend to be an emotional wreck outside of the
battlefield, her wish for the Grail is that emiya would never have made the deal for power with the counter force.
Personal skills:
circular mana: she turns her entire nerves system into a single manic circuit while simultaneously using regeneration to heal the damage, this skill comes at the cost of extreme pain, but she always uses it no matter what.
Bravery A class.
presence concealment b class.
reinforcement Ex class.
tracing b class.
Time prayer: it is higher form of time alter allowing her to stop time momentarily with exchange of also stopping her hearts and being unable to move while in time prayer in order to develop a plan and react to any attack coming her way by using it right before an attack occurs, it has a 5 second cool down, and requires her to put her hands as if in payer for activation.
Noble phantasm:
Blessed and cursed hand. EX classed. Anti personal and anti phantasm.
it's basic ability is to turn whatever object she is touching into a an A class phantasm, with a secondary ability to decrease the rank of an opponents phantasm by 1 rank per strike to NP. She got this no from her deal with the counter force. However the second an item leaves her hand is ceases to be a phantasm, and puts a serious strain on her concentration whisk sues it
Regeneration, b class
she can heal and regenerate almost all wounds, including body parts such as arms and legs.
Body of she who shalt not be stopped : EX ranked anti personal
She combines her unusual skill in reinforcement to reinforce her body's creasing all her stat pare enters to EX class, it comes at the cost of extreme pain, and if used for longer than five min will kill her. Also she can't just use this np at anytime ether only in a dire situation , were she truly believes she will die.
shot of no defense: B class. Anti defense
it is a bullet she uses in tangent with Thompson contender, It has the ability to use one of the first magic is to distort space to make so that any defense that it encounters will be erased from existence, however it poses little on the ability in attack and is only useful against opponents who really on extremely high defense or defense based nps.
The Mage killer: d class
it is the representation of her tactics as an anti Mage in the form of a mobile inventory of every weapon she to kill a Mage used aped up to were it could kill a servant.
Combat: she is skilled in literally all known fighting techniques, and will use any method to archive victory. Combining her cursed and blessed hand with with her own martial arts and kendo techniques she makes quite the opponent however she is naturally weak against projection for an unknown reason.
Last edited by venomking; January 15th, 2017 at 05:53 PM.
fucking learn english
- - - Updated - - -
I'm not going to comment on the sheet because that'd require me to read it carefully and then my brain'd start rotting too.
Basically, its a gender bent god Kiritsugu with the ability to kill anything and wanked to the extreme. There, who needs to read it?
Dear god, this fucking bastard...... Taunts my fucking childhood.
On top of all the wank and poor English, do I have to say that the idea of Shirou's father-figure (even if only a female clone) falling in love with him is immensely fucked up? Also, most of the abilities she possesses seem to have hardly anything to do with Kiritsugu in all but the most tangential aspects.
True Name: Kuuhaku
Class: Ruler
Gender: Male and female (they are two servants summoned as one)
Stats
STR: E
END: C
AGL: C
MAG: C
LCK: B
NP: EX
Legend
Kuuhaku, the blank, the void, the emptiness that represented the life of the two siblings: Sora, the older brother; And Shiro, the young sister, and because of that, they called themselfs Kuuhaku. Both were born with tremendous intelect, making the world around them dull and boring, the worst game of all that was illogical and meaningless, and was on other games that they found joy and pleasure. The two of them stopped caring about their personal life and the world around them to focus only on games and internet.
It was like this until they were summoned to the world of Disbordia by the one true god of that world, and their life gained meaning again. On this world, the 10 commandments ruled the life of all beings, forbiding any and all acts of violence. All dispusts, to a mere brothers fight to war beteweens nations, was to be solved by games,and games only.
On this marvelous world, the siblings rose up and became the kings of humanity and started to fight and unity all other nations and races that shared the world with them.
Class skills
True Name Discernment: B
If summoned as a Ruler, during a direct encounter, a Servant's true name and entire status information will be automatically revealed. In regards to Servants with concealment abilities, a luck check is required.
God's Resolution: A
Ruler's privilege. Two Command Spells can be used for each Servant participating in the Holy Grail War. Cannot re-purpose others Command Spells.
Personal Skills
Natural Born Genius: EX
Due to it's tremendouns intelect, Kuuhaku may power up his stats and skills on 1 rank when they are being used. They can also replicate a personal or class skills with rank B or lowers that they have saw or heard . Only works on skills that are a result of actions, no blessing or gifts may be replicated (basicly they can replicate riding, martial arts, weapon proficiency, and related skills. They can't replicate bravery, instinct,eye of minf (false), and so on)
Noble Phantasms
The 10 commandments of Disbordia
Kuuhaku can't harm or be harmed by others any means as the 10 commandments states. Any action of violence, even if it is non intentional, will be halted and nulled. Kuuhaku may challenge or be challenged to games,where anything can be bet on. When all players considers that the bet is equal, the game may beguin. The challenged person have the right to chose the games and the rules. Kuuhaku may extend this Noble phantasm to an area around them,up to an radius of 1 killometers, halting any combat on the field. Then Kuuhaku explains his noble phantasms and everyone in there may chose to play games to achieve victory or give up on the fight and. If someone gives ups.he mayleave the field. but the commandments will continue to affect the person for 24 hours. If they chose to play, they will resolve all strugles until either they give up or Kuuhaku says that itis enough
Type: anty-world
Rank: EX
Maximum number of targets: 1000
The winged servant
Bound to eternally serving her master, the winged servant, Jibril, is always following her masters on spíritual form,being able to talk to them. Should the needs arises. Kuuhaku may use their own mana to materialize Jibril for a brief moment or using her magic as it was their own.
Type: unknow
Rank: E~A++ (it varies depending on what Jibril will be using)
Maximum number of targets: 1
Last edited by Dante_Serge; January 13th, 2017 at 10:06 AM.
She's a humunclues, and it's not fucked up, it technquelly incest. And she's not wanked up at all, ok the phanatsm she's gets from the counter force is, but she needed to kill a god, so I had to give her something that could kill a god. The body was becuase she only posses 4 magics, traceing, reinforcement, time prayer, and regeneration. Basicly when teh peaple who made released she was much more powerful then kritsugu they made her more like beset. And her second phanatsm is not all that wanked ether, sure all her states are five min, but that's all she gets it would certainly kill her, not to mention all an oppenent would have to do is stay out of her range. Her bullets only go throu defect and are like love tap to anything that isn't a headshot. Regelation only lets her heal arms, nerves, and legs. She can't like retreats her heart, or brain.
There changed a bunch of stuff, pleas critique it, and keep in mind the only thing she is meant to have in common is that she is used kill mages, has the Thompson contender and users something simpler to time later that's it. And we'll you ,now she's basically a female clone of him, cause why not. I also was wondering if it was ok if took liberties with the war archer apparently was in, since they never went into detail, and am surprised to find that no one else has jumped on that opportunity.
Your sheet is still worse than cancer.
Bone cancer.
Hey, I'm just curiose thou has anyone created servent who wa sin the war archer was in? Cause I thought it was good idea, but I kinda want to look at someone else's idea, cause I bealave my idea was a bit tasteless in terms of actull explanation of the war, but my servent wa a want to die in its early stages so that's kinda ok, but I was just curiose if someone has other then me down that?
A Servant that was in the war Archer was? You mean, like, Medea, Medusa, Herakles, Artoria Pendragon, Cu Chulainn, Sasaki Kojirou? Yes, someone has created those. He's named Kinoko Nasu, maybe you've heard of him.
Localizationing stuff
Can't really say I understood what he said, but I presume he was asking whether someone made a hypothetical sheet of the Archer that was in the war EMIYA went through during his life.
And the last responder is correct.
- - - Updated - - -
Also condo someone critique my edited sheet UstKushi shi? By the way is there any wrong for me doing her name as Japanese for beautiful death?
- - - Updated - - -
Also could somone do there version of my idea of Utsukushi shi, i would really appreciate it.
Which is still what my comment is about.
Yes.Also condo someone critique my edited sheet UstKushi shi? By the way is there any wrong for me doing her name as Japanese for beautiful death?
Localizationing stuff
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
