Hi guys, here's the draft story for my approximately 10 page manga of Kinoko's unpublished short story "Koori no Hana (Ice Flower)"
Basically described as a story about a knight with no special powers
I am in dire need of critique and suggestions;
From the author of EMIYA: COMBAT EVOVLED
https://sites.google.com/site/tatari...me/tmffc/emiya
Koori no Hana
Farris is a knight for the kingdom of Kirkland; He is raised in a family of bankrupt nobles whom has fallen from grace in high society.
A gifted swordsmen, Farris, though held back by his family’s background manages to win the trust of the Hochmeister, Dushant who is also one of the King’s most trusted subjects.
Farris encounters Sylvia, 3rd Princess in the Kingdom of Kirkland in a visit to the royal palace. The couple find themselves in love with each other and began to liason in secret.
On a fateful day, the King agrees to wed his daughter Sylvia with the Prince of the Hellehunden; to make peace with the Hellehunden, a country long at war the Kirkland.
Hellehunden is a faraway land beyond the Great Bog, the people there are highly militarized and the cultural opposite of their counterparts. The Prince is known to have many wives all of which he has brutally tortured and killed on a whim at random events.
Farris becomes increasingly worried of Sylvia and decides to elope with her. Evading her escort as they travel through the Great Bog, and disappearing into the forest
The Great Bog is a vast, frigid forest with many hills and swamps and narrow roads. It is home to many bandits whom prey on traffic passing through the forest
Hochmeister Dushant is tasked with escorting the princess, he takes Farris along with his best men. They travel into the Great Bog and as predicted, attacked by bandits.
A battle ensued, Farris is struck by a rock and lies unconscious on the battlefield. His comrades try to rescue him but were cut down by the bandits. A bandit attempts to spear the unconscious Farris but he comes to his senses and strikes back.
He fights his way to Sylvia’s carriage to find her covered with the corpses of her maids; grabs her and attempts to escape only to be caught by Dushant who has singlehandedly (literally) defeated the bandits.
Farris tells Dushant that he is running away with Sylvia but is immediately rebuked as a traitor. The two knights clashed in a fierce sword battle with Farris as the winner.
Farris leave the scene with Sylvia only to find that she is near death from bleeding through a crossbow wound which she hid from Farris. On the verge of death she tells Farris that she loved him.
She finally dies; her last words: “how beautiful is the ice when it melts in the sunset “
O yea, someone help with with the gaijin names tooHELP HELP HELP!
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Originally Posted by Lianru
