“A Change of Heart” by Mereo Flere
Disclaimer: I don’t own Fate/Stay Night.
A/N: This was originally going to be my entry for the BL Fanfic Contest. It just... didn't work out, and it's not complete, mostly because it always felt too awkward while working on it.
But I would like to work on it some more. For some reason, there's not a lot of post UBW Shinji stuff.
XXX
That day in the hospital had been unforgettable… the day where he woke up in an unfamiliar bed, an aching pain in his chest – eclipsed only by the despair in the heart that now belonged to him. To be honest, there were only vague memories of what happened after that golden servant had shoved the still beating organ into his chest, but…
It was enough to know that he had failed. No – it was more than failure; he had blundered so badly that it was a miracle he was even alive. He didn’t manage to succeed in surpassing either Rin or Shirou – and in the end needed to be saved by them from his own mess. The only things he had managed to accomplish were borrowing others’ power and getting rescued.
Shinji knew full well that he had proven his grandfather right – that he was useless after all… and, on that day, he completely expected that truth to be thrown in his face. If it had happened to anybody else it’s what he would have done after all – gloat how foolish they had been for even trying. There was no shortage of people who could call him out on it; Rin was just the first to come to his mind, if she didn’t try to beat him up for what he had tried to do to her first.
That day, though… she didn’t come; neither did Shirou, though Shinji didn’t want to see him either. Only one person visited him, the day he woke up, the last person he had wanted to see after this ordeal: His sister, Matou Sakura.
There were plenty of reasons he didn’t want to see her. He had taken her servant for himself – only to have Rider killed in a battle that wasn’t even worth mentioning. There was also the guilt he felt from how he treated her that, up until now, he had been able to easily push aside and ignore. More than anything else, however… he didn’t want to see the way she looked at him.
He knew her well enough that she wouldn’t insult or get mad at him like Rin or their grandfather would. At the same time, the sorrow she would no doubt show for him would be worse – much worse. After spending so many years of trying to convince himself that he really was better than her, it would absolutely crush him to see her pity him.
And… that’s why, when he heard her voice coming down the hospital corridor, he immediately turned away from the door. Soon enough, he heard her walk inside the room he was being held in, accompanied by the nurse that had guided her here. When the nurse excused herself from the room to give the two some privacy Shinji still did not turn to see his sister – focusing as best as he could on the window. It wasn’t the best view in the world – all one could see was the hospital parking lot – but it was better than seeing her expression.
Naturally, like many of the things Shinji had done in his life, he hadn’t thought this plan out very well. Seeing her brother adamantly ignoring her, she simply walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down. Even though he did his best to turn away when she sat down, it was too late – he had already caught a glimpse of her face. While he was stubborn, and continued to look away, he couldn’t forget what he saw…
Relief.
“Nii-san,” she said softly, after a long awkward silence. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Is that so?” Shinji asked, resisting the urge to turn around. “Well you should be, after all,” he said with a small puff of his chest – trying to maintain the same attitude he always had around her.
“Yes,” Sakura agreed – more cheerfully this time, though with still a hint of worry in her voice. “After all, you’re my one and only Nii-san.”
…they didn’t say much afterward. It seemed that she was there only to convey that single feeling – not that Shinji would’ve listened to anything else, anyway. As confident as Shinji was over his understanding of Sakura, Sakura knew him even better – and knew what he did and didn’t want to hear.
Still, as she left, she turned back to face him, knowing he wouldn’t look at her, and said something he had dreaded to hear: “I’ll see you tomorrow, Nii-san.”
When she was finally gone, and he was sure she was out of earshot, Shinji smiled bitterly to himself.
“Nii-san… ha, what a joke.”
That day, he felt as though something inside of him had started to crack.
XXX
True to her word, Sakura returned the next day – this time with another familiar face in tow: Emiya Shirou, his former friend. Compared to the siblings, he was brighter, more cheerful, somehow able to easily gloss over the fact that Shinji had tried to kill him several times recently. Part of that was because he didn’t know Sakura knew, but the rest… well, he didn’t seem to hold a grudge.
The only time he even acknowledged Shinji’s actions were when Sakura excused herself to go to the bathroom. Even then, Shirou didn’t shout at him, or warn him not to repeat his mistakes. Instead, with a stern frown, he simply looked at Shinji and said, “Don’t do something so stupid again.”
And that was that. Shirou swept it under the rug – for now at least. Before Shinji could ask him if that was really all he had to say, Shirou held up his hand and said that Sakura was already coming back.
Shirou still didn’t know the truth it seemed, not that there would’ve been anybody to tell him. There was only Sakura, after all, and she wouldn’t reveal her part in all this. Not to anybody, least of all Shirou.
For a moment, Shinji considered being the one to tell Shirou. There would be no better time after all than to do it just as Sakura returned. Shinji knew she wouldn’t be able to deny the truth, and he had to admit he couldn’t help but want to see what kind of horrified expression Shirou would make. The moment passed, however, when Sakura finally stepped into the room again, smiling as she asked them if they had finally started to get along like they used to.
And, when Shirou gave his answer, it didn’t seem that that moment would ever return.
“You know, I never once stopped thinking of Shinji as a friend.”
In the past, those words wouldn’t have stopped the heartless bastard known as Shinji. But today…
“You’re an idiot.”
…was the harshest thing he could manage against his friend.
XXX
Another day passed. It was already the third day Shinji had spent in the hospital after waking up, but they insisted on keeping him for observation. He wasn’t the only one of course; there were still a number of patients being watched after the “mysterious gas leaks” had occurred, and they believed that he was yet another victim of that. Shinji knew better of course – not that he could forget when his own body served as a constant reminder of his actions.
Every beat of the heart made him feel a little uneasy. While there may have been no physical scars on the outside, he was aware that something foreign was inside him now. Though his body did not reject the heart that continued beat with a strong pulse, he knew without a doubt that he had lost his own that day; it was only the strength of a frail little girl that kept him alive now.
The doctors didn’t seem to notice, and Shinji made no effort to bring it to their attention. He couldn’t let anybody find out that there was something wrong with him. Unfortunately, someone already had.
“Good afternoon, Nii-san.”
It was the third time Sakura visited him, though unlike yesterday she came alone. It was a relief that Shirou hadn’t returned, but at the same time Sakura had become noisier. Whether it was intentional or not, the silence had been broken when that guy had come. That which had started as a simple dialogue between Shirou and Sakura – mostly about what had happened at school since he fell unconscious – eventually engulfed Shinji into itself as well; today, even without Shirou here, Sakura didn’t shy away from talking around him.
Still, Shinji tried not to pay attention to her; focusing his eyes on the parking lot, he did his best to avoid even acknowledging her existence. Nonetheless, Sakura didn’t seem the least discourage, and continued to speak even when there was no response. Confined to the bed like he was, Shinji had no choice but to listen.
The topics were the same as yesterday. People were still worried about going to class, but already many were returning to their daily routine. Even club activities had returned, though she had skipped practice to see him. Sakura even talked about how she looked forward to back to the club with him.
After an hour, though, she finally said something that managed to successfully provoke him.
“There’s something wrong with your heart, isn’t there?”
Shinji’s eyes became wide with shock. It was normal for people to ask someone in a hospital bed if there was something wrong – but most wouldn’t ask something so specific. His surprise lasted for only a moment, though, and in the next his face was filled anger, and Shinji snapped his gaze towards her for the first time today. “Don’t be stupid,” he said, clenching his fist. “What do you know anyway – do you think you’re smarter than a PhD?”
It was just a lucky guess, he told himself. There was no way she could have known… and now, she would back down and apologize for even suggesting such a thing.
But she didn’t. Instead, her eyes remained firmly locked onto his. It was hypnotizing, really, and Shinji found he could not pull his gaze away.
“Of course I am,” she said without a hint of arrogance, reaching out to him and taking hold of his hand. “When it comes to you, there is nobody that knows you better. After all…”
After all, she had seen every side of him there was. Even more than the senpai she had adored or the sister she had once had, Sakura had been by Shinji’s side more than anyone else in the world. Physically or emotionally, there was no detail she had missed. But that dove into things that should not be said, least of all in a hospital ward. Instead, she chose to cut her words there and squeezed his hand between her own. Then, for just a moment, her eyes darted to his chest before she finally let him go.
Shinji understood what she wanted to say. It was entirely possible that Sakura really did know his body better than he did. However, he could not – he would not admit his weakness.
“It’s nothing,” he said, surprised to feel the room get hotter, even with the air conditioner roaring in the background. “Really, I’m fine.”
“I see.”
Sakura smiled sadly, but she didn’t press on anymore. Accepting that tiniest bit of progress, she returned to the topics of school life once more. This time, Shinji didn’t even try to turn away.
It was pointless against someone like her.
XXX
Finally, the day came when he would return. This time, nobody came to see him.
It wasn’t like he was expecting a celebration or anything. There wasn’t really anyone at school he was that close with. The girls that hung around him only ever played around – and the guys…
Well, he couldn’t even remember the names of any of the guys to begin with. There was Shirou, of course – but Shinji didn’t really want to be around him right now anyway. As for Issei… the only person Issei stared at more than Shinji himself was Rin.
Still, he had thought that maybe Sakura would come. Yet, she hadn’t – and so he walked home alone.
Of course, it’s not like Shinji wanted her by his side. It was just that being by himself like this left a lot of time for depressing thoughts.
It was a little different in the hospital. There was usually something to occupy his attention, like television or a magazine. Now though, when all he had to look at was the scenery he passed by, there was nothing to distract him. All he could do was place one foot in front of the other – a process that took too little effort over too much time.
It was a long walk. Long enough to think his life over several times. Each time he did, however, he could only come to one conclusion…
“What a joke.”
He’d been pathetic, so pathetic that it was funny. Everything he’d done, everything he’d tried to do… it was a goddamn riot.
Even before the Holy Grail War, he was never the best at anything. People were smarter than him. People were stronger than him. People were simply better than him. Even if he had some amount of popularity, he knew the things that people said behind him.
It was utterly and completely hilarious… and that was why, when he finally reached his front door, he couldn’t help but burst out into laughter.
“Ha… ha… hahahahahahahahahaha!”
Suddenly, the door opened. A familiar face peeked through the door. Then…
“Nii-san?”
Shinji stopped his laughing and, after realizing Sakura was there, quickly wiped some dirt out of his eyes. “Ah, so you were here after all,” he said with a sneer.
“My apologies, Nii-san,” Sakura said, bowing her head. Even without him saying it directly, she could hear the silent accusation. “I wasn’t able to visit you today.”
“I bet,” he said.
“…” After a moment, Sakura lowered her head further and simply stepped aside, as though she couldn’t think of anything else to say. That was the way things truly were between them, after all. Even if he shouted at her, she would never fight back or complain.
“It’s as dark as ever,” he said as he stepped through the entrance, greeted by the shadows that always filled their home. Behind him, Sakura closed the door, and the house grew even darker.
Yet, before his eyes could adjust to it, a switch was flipped – and he was greeted with something he hadn’t expected to see: A banner, stretched across the wall.
“Welcome home,” it said.
That wasn’t all, he noticed. There were other decorations around the room, though most were still sitting on the floor, waiting to be hung up. On the table was a homemade cake, repeating the banner’s message on its frosting. And last but not least, a pair of arms had wrapped around him from behind, bringing him into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry, Nii-san,” Sakura apologized again. “I couldn’t finish in time after all.”
This time, it was Shinji’s turn to be speechless. He wanted to call her efforts pointless – that if she was going to do it anyway, she should’ve done a better job. Where was the music? Where were the drinks? Why was there only a single cake for the food? If Sakura wanted to hold a party for him, then where were all the girls?
There was only one after all – just a single girl holding him in a warm embrace.
He couldn’t say any of those things. For some reason, his heart ached when he even thought to try. So – he did the only thing he could do: Laugh.
“Ha...”
“Is there something wrong, Nii-san?” Sakura asked.
“Nothing,” Shinji said as he slowly pulled away from her arms. “It’s just… funny.”
“Funny?”
“Yeah – a total riot.”
XXX
After that, it was obvious that Sakura was treating him differently than before. In a single word, Shinji could describe her as “proactive.” While it was true that she had sometimes ignored him when he told her not to see Shirou, she obeyed him when it came to anything else.
It didn’t matter what his requests had been. No matter what it involved, no matter who it involved, she’d complete the task as long as it didn’t involve Shirou… even if it that were the farthest thing from appropriate sibling behavior.
However, all of that had begun from Shinji. It was true that Zouken had conditioned him near the start, but after that old man was absent most of the time after the first couple of years as a “family.”
For Sakura to act on her own, to take initiative…
Shinji couldn’t understand why. She wouldn’t go that far just for pity, would she?
It was honestly how he sometimes imagined she acted around Shirou whenever she went over his house. Now, she woke him up in the morning with a smile, ate meals with him even at school, and walked home with him. It was almost to the point of being nagging.
Nonetheless, he couldn’t claim that he disliked the treatment.
“It feels like we’ve gotten closer as a family.”
“Is that right?” Shirou asked, looking at Shinji.
Today was one of the rare days that Sakura didn’t eat with Shinji. When Shinji had invited Shirou to go out to the town for lunch, Sakura had declined to go with them, stating there were other things that she needed to do. It was fine, of course, since Shinji wanted to talk to Shirou about her, but…
“Are you doubting me?” Shinji asked, raising a brow.
“Not exactly,” Shirou said, as he twirled some spaghetti around his fork. “But you know, that doesn’t really sound like a family to me.”
Shinji crossed his arms, waiting for his friend to explain. Even if he had finally gotten used to hanging around Shirou again, he still didn’t like the implication that he was wrong about this.
Shirou wasn’t unnerved in the slightest, taking a moment to eat some pasta before continuing. “Well – to me that sounds more like she’s a servant.”
“No,” Shinji said after a moment, though he lacked a little confidence in his voice. “That’s just the way an older brother should be treated. It’s natural for an elder sibling to be respected, isn’t it?”
“It’s pretty one sided,” Shirou said, shaking his head. “Even Fuji-nee would try to help out around the house sometimes…” Even if, more often than not, it somehow ended in disaster. However – it was the thought that mattered. “Families do stuff for each other. It’s not just a one way relationship, after all.”
“Well, what do you know?” Shinji said with a huff.
Despite their disagreement, the meal continued amicably. Neither tried to kill the other or thought of trying to kill each other by the end – far better than Shinji would’ve expected, considering their circumstances.
Still, Shinji still held a grudge against Shirou when they parted. Who did that bastard think he was, anyway, making him worry about something like his relationship with Sakura?
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Originally Posted by Mcjon01
