The 2012 Fanfic Contest Entries Part 1: Humor

[Milbunk]

This shall be for all fics Humor, first post shall be the Table of Contents and the following will be the fics themselves.

Table of Contest:

Change Its Spots

Unlimited Rule Breaks

Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely

A Day at the Pool

For a link to the wiki version you can go here: http://beastslairwiki.pbworks.com/w/page/51598249/Humor

[Milbunk]

Name: Change Its Spots
Author: Anon

Sunlight filtered into the underground tank very barely if at all, but the human body could remember what was morning if you kept it on a regular schedule, and Ryuunosuke woke at a reasonable hour. He yawned, mumbled the obligatory "Five more minutes, sir..." into Bluebeard's side, then slowly got to his feet.

Right. Out of pajamas, into normal clothes to tackle the day. One of Ryuunosuke's deepest regrets in the world was that you could not wear all leopard print and look anything but stupid, so he had to pick what he wanted to wear. If he forgot he could rely on his shoes to keep the pattern going, but he felt like putting a little more effort in today.

Pants? Nah. Shirt? Maybe. Socks? Too close to the shoes and his last pair of non-leopard-print shoes had gotten soaked with blood. Underwear? Maybe. Choker? Looked kind of silly on him. Jacket? Maybe. After much thought, deliberation, and several coin tosses that didn't count - he was never really good at making decisions - he went with the shirt.

Clothes were changed! Time to go have breakfast! And not on human flesh because it tasted gross. Time to go leave the tank.

"Siiiir, I'm gonna go grab breakfast now, 'kay?" he called back, already heading out the door. "I won't be gone too long! Don't do anything too cool when I'm out unless you've got a recording for me later."

Caster chuckled, briefly roused from his mumblings to himself about Jeanne. "Enjoy yourself, my Master."

Ryuunosuke squinted when the sunlight reached his eyes. Where should he head to now? There was the cafe, fast food, some Ahnenerbe coffee shop place... Oh, there was that Irish place he'd always wanted to try since it opened. He had no idea what they served for breakfast, but the drinks had to be pretty good, right? Otherwise it wouldn't be Irish.

Singing along to himself ("Boxty on the griddle, boxty on the pan~ If you can't bake boxty sure you'll never get a man~"), Ryuunosuke headed towards the restaurant. Maybe he'd bring some back for Bluebeard? What kinds of stuff did he eat anyway? Besides the souls of dead children et cetera et cetera. Was he more of a whiskey or an ale person? He really should have asked these kinds of questions before he left... he's definitely not a good Master if he can't do something simple like bring back breakfast-

Whumph. He rubbed his head after a small collision from someone walking too fast. "Owwww."

"Oh, I'm sorry." A vaguely familiar voice apologized to him. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worr...y." Ryuunosuke looked up and stopped.

There was a feeling that Ryuunsouke knew well. He knew it better than any other emotion, and he treasured it in his heart. No sensation of simple happiness from anywhere else could ever compare to this: it would be so cool to kill this guy.

Lancer raised an eyebrow slightly. "Is something wrong?"

"Providence," Ryuunosuke declared, suddenly taking Lancer's hand. Lancer jerked but didn't shove him away. "It's definitely meant for us to meet each other here! I am buying you a drink."

"You really don't need to-"

"The most expensive drink on the menu."

"I would rather not be any trouble-"

"Right now." Ryuunosuke jerked his head towards the Irish restaurant they were standing right next to. "I seriously mean it."

After a moment, Lancer closed his eyes and visibly resigned himself. "...Only one drink. If you absolutely must."

A waiter soon led them to their table, and after placing an order, Ryuunosuke drifted into thought. This was the guy with the lance that made wounds that never healed, right? In that case, there were all kinds of disfigurement options. You could steal his lance and stab him through a hundred nonlethal but very very painful places Ryuunosuke knew about, or maybe try for something a bit more crippling, or just see how much of a fight he put up before getting killed - he was totally the never surrender, never say die type - or maybe-

"Is something the matter?" Lancer looked uncomfortable.

Ryuunosuke snapped to attention. "Just thinking about stuff! Hey, you're new to Fuyuki, right? I can tell. How are you liking the place?"

"I have no complaints about it." Lancer searched for words slowly. "I'm visiting with a couple, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to stay with them. The city itself doesn't matter as much."

Nod, nod. "Aaand, what about what you're doing here, is that any fun?"

A small smile. "I'm enjoying parts of it. The ability to participate in this is an honor."

Wow, he was terrible at talking around the Holy Grail War thing. Even Ryuunosuke, who really didn't care to pay much attention, knew immediately what he meant. Probably his Master didn't let him off his leash much. "What are you doing away from your hosts?"

Lancer stiffened a little. "Th-that's... something I'd rather not talk about."

"...you totally got kicked out for a while, didn't you," Ryuunosuke guessed.

Lancer nodded, looking more like he'd gotten kicked in the face.

"Man, that's rough. What'd you do to piss them off?"

"I don't know. So- one of them is more fond of me than the other, and when she neglects her fiancé for my sake, it angers him." The words spilled out in a rush. "Although I have nothing but the best intentions, I can't do anything to stop her actions, and every word she says seems to hurt him more and more, and I just want him to trust that I would do nothing to betray him, and-!"

Ryuunosuke patted him on the shoulder gently. "It's okay. Things will be okay, yeah? You're a good guy. He'll realize it's not your fault." Assuming he didn't get eviscerated first. Or torn apart limb from limb. Man, so many options... "Have a little more faith. Things'll be fine."

"Thank you. You are really too kind..." Lancer regained a little of his composure. "I shouldn't have said all of that to a stranger."

"Nobody's a stranger who buys you a drink." Ryuunosuke chuckled as the waiter approached again and set down their glasses. "And you know what else will help with this? Beer. Beer will definitely help with this."

Lancer chuckled and lifted his drink towards him. "I can't argue with that. Cheers?"

"Cheers." Clink.

[Milbunk]

Disclaimer: All rights reserved by Type-Moon.

Name: Unlimited Rule Breaks
Author: Anon

Shirou groggily lifted his head from the dent in the floor just long enough to groan before dropping it back down. Where was he? Chips of granite bit into his cheek as his face scrubbed against the floor in an effort to find out, but his eyes wandered. He looked, but he didn’t really see anything. His vision was hazy, everything a blurry mix of khakis, vermilions, and oranges. He shut his eyes and, again, groaned more than he sighed.

What happened?

He was standing one moment, and then he was down. In fact, the only thing he remembered was standing. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know where he was, and he definitely didn’t know what happened. It didn’t matter, though. If he fell, then all he had to do was get back up.

Sweaty palms pressed into broken tiles and the boy that wanted to be a hero steadily started to rise. He coughed. Blood spattered. His elbows locked at the full extension of his arms, but the knee that was supposed to be brought under his rising form didn’t move. He was too worn out. Lofty ambitions of getting back to his feet were quickly replaced with the more mundane hope of just not falling flat on his face. His arms gave out so he spun and landed hard on his back.

He immediately sensed something was wrong.

The missing spot in his memory was troublesome, but it wasn’t instantly distressing. Whatever it was that occurred between standing and falling wasn’t really important. Why he fell didn’t at all matter as much as why he stood. On some level it annoyed him that he couldn’t remember, but annoyance was one thing. The dismal feeling that rooted itself in the pit of his stomach was something else entirely and it couldn’t be denied. Something was wrong. He just didn’t know what it was yet.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” a figure entered his field of vision and loomed over him like an executioner, “You’re going to die for sure now. Would have been better off if you had just laid there.”

“Wha…?” Shirou tried to focus and failed. Death? He opened his mouth with the intention of asking what he was taking about, but he only coughed. It was a harsh, wet sound accompanied by crimson. He wheezed after the coughing fit, confusion still deep in his mind as he tried his best to get some kind of grip on what was becoming a slippery situation.

Archer kneeled, much of the venom in his eyes lost as he rested a knee on the ground and stared at the boy that he used to be. The truth was that the broken boy in front of him could no long become a hero. Still, there was no relief. He was already a hero and nothing could change that. “Hey…” for the final time, he called out to himself, “Do you want me to put you down?”

It was a callous question. Regardless, it was the only mercy he could provide for the boy that held onto his ideals until the very end, but…

Shirou didn’t hear him.

He couldn’t see anything and he didn’t even know who was talking to him. What happened? It didn’t matter anymore. What was he doing? That was all he needed. If he had that much, then he could get back up.

He was fighting.

It was a foothold, something he clung to in desperation. If he stopped thinking, if he even entertained the concept of giving up, he instinctively knew he would die.

Why? Why was he fighting?

That was the question he needed to answer. If he could remember that much, then he’d be able to get back up. If he wanted to have anything even remotely close to a chance, he had to climb the mountain called reason.

Who?

The question was a ledge, but he had to reach for it. It wasn’t the peak, but it was close enough. The answer was right in front of him so he reached, figuratively and literally, for the truth.

Archer didn’t blink even as Shirou weakly raised a broken hand. To the man, it was just another sad sight. Death throes were nothing new to him so he merely watched and waited for the end. To the boy, it was the only thing he could do and, when his hand brushed against that fabric that wasn’t like anything else in the world, he remembered the man that wasn’t like anyone else.

He remembered the man that felt betrayed by his ideals and, then, he remembered everything.

They argued and then they fought. He lost. It was nothing to be ashamed about. People didn’t just get up and beat servants. He knew from the very beginning that he couldn’t defeat Archer, but that didn’t explain the feelings that made his eyes water. If it was nothing to be ashamed about then why did he feel so useless? If it was all in vain, then why did he try so hard?

His eyes flashed with a fiery determination and the servant at his side realized his mistake. Archer ruthlessly reared his fist back and Shirou gritted his teeth, his circuits on fire as he set his mind to work on the only thing that could possibly save him.

There was no hope in beating Archer because the servant had already won. He was cut down. One swing from Bakuya was all it took to nearly split his body half, and, even though he didn’t have the heart or time to look at the mess that had been made of his midsection, he instinctively knew that flopping around to get on his back was the single mistake that turned a grievous injury into a fatal one.

That was why he needed something that could rectify that mistake.

Without any kind words to offer, Archer locked eyes with his youth and sent his fist towards his face like a pile bunker.

There was no time.

Fixing? Breaking? It didn’t matter what it did or what it was as long as it worked. He traced before he even knew what he wanted, the distant image in his mind’s eye becoming tangible in his hand as he strained both his mind and body.

But it was too late.

Archer’s fist smashed into his face hard enough to drive his head even deeper into the tile work. His face was smashed. Archer removed his hand from the grizzly mess that used to be Shirou’s face and sighed. He did it, but he didn’t feel any better. He didn’t feel anything at all, well, except for a poke in the side.

“Huh,” Archer raised an eyebrow as he lowered his sight and followed the length of Shirou’s arm. Arm? Check. Hand? Check. Rule Breaker? Check. “What!?”

“Rule Breaker,” the face that was supposed to be broken was good as new and the boy that was supposed to be dead sat up. Shirou held up the decorative dagger and cracked a grin. “I can’t believe it worked…”

Archer was at a loss for words. The dagger had long since been retracted, but he was definitely stabbed. There was no getting around that fact. He knew how it felt to get pierced by it so he was sure. The problem was that Shirou was dead! He killed him!

“If you’re thinking that you should have killed me, I broke that rule,” Shirou gripped the dagger in triumph and slowly started to stand, dust and small pieces of tile falling from his rising form as he patted his stomach. “I broke the rule that you ever cut me, too.”

“That’s…” It was so wrong that he didn’t even know what to say. The hand that should have been covered in bloody grim and brain matter was instead slid down his face in utter disbelief. “I…” What could he say? “Rule Breaker doesn’t work like that!”

“Yes, it does.”

“No, it doesn’t!”

“Yes, it does.”

It was so incredibly juvenile that Archer looked over his shoulder for help from people that weren’t on his side to begin with. Saber met his gaze and held it for a second, before looking away and shuffling her feet. Rin pretended she didn’t see the obvious request for help and instead shifted her eyes to the side. They knew! They knew it didn’t work like that and they weren’t going to say anything!

“No, it doesn’t,” Archer grumbled before lashing out a hand to point at the cause of his anxiety. Rule Breaker remained in Shirou’s hand, just as unnecessarily obnoxious as it always was, “This is so gotdamn stupid! One of you tell this idiot that Rule Breaker can’t do that!”

“But…” Saber started, sapphire eyes turning towards her former master as she pointed out something that Archer missed, “It worked, did it not?”

He gawked at her, his eyes wide and unbelieving as he turned back towards the boy that stood in front of him. Shirou smirked, his eyes full of glee as he looked down at Archer.

“Yes. It does.”

His grin was wide and toothy, his eyes narrowed and haughty as he got in the last word.

Archer was used to verbal jabs and dealt with them accordingly, but he never in his entire existence had he wanted to punch someone in the face so bad. No, he already punched him. This time he would just punch through him. The thought pleased him so the grimace was smoothed into a tight frown.

The servant stood with every intention of punching Shirou’s smug face into common sense, but the boy turned his back and started walking away.

“Where are you going!?” Archer yelled at the top of his lungs, “You’re just going to give up and run away!?”

“What are you talking about?” Shirou stopped in the middle of the hallway and looked over his shoulder. Deep down, Archer knew that whatever he was about to say was going to make him angry, “I’ve already won this fight.”

Saber cringed.

“No, you didn’t!” Archer was incredulous. Being wrong about Rule Breaker was one thing, but… No! He was right! Rule Breaker was not some random plot device. Well, it was, but not on the deus ex level, but all of that was just one problem. Rule Breaker aside, one thing he knew for a fact was that he did not lose to Shirou. “I… lost?”

That wasn’t what he meant to say.

“No, I lost.”

What was going on!?

“Oh yeah,” Seeing Archer struggling prompted him to remember something he nearly forgot, “I broke the rule that you beat me, too.”

“It wasn’t a rule, though!”

Archer held his head in his hands and sighed, his anger swept away by a feeling much darker. He was more than just pissed off. The bitterness that swelled inside his soul was a product of the world telling him that the boy went beyond just being stupid. He was endangering the planet so it was now his job instead of just a desire to take him out.

“Come on,” Shirou turned back around, seemingly tired of dealing with the servant as his shoulders drooped and he sighed, “You already admitted you lost and-”

“You made me say it!”

“And now!” Shirou exclaimed after being rudely interrupted, “You’re just being a sore loser.”

Rin winched.

“Oh…”

Shirou had an incredible talent to piss him off. At first it was the little things, the small stuff he should have let slide. Saying all that dumb stuff was always annoying, but he could shrug it off. The ‘I just want to save people’ thing grated on his nerves the most, but it didn’t make him angry unless it was over something stupid. It was only when he intentionally got under his skin that he got pissed off and this went way above that.

Violence just wouldn’t do and the world would just have to wait. He could kill Shirou right where he stood ten times over, but he had to hit him where it hurt.

“What an amazing hero.” Archer’s eyebrows dipped as he decided to play devil’s advocate. He was angry, but he had to play it cool. “I’ve never seen a hero that just up and walked away from his problems. Definitely one of a kind. Sure don’t make them like that anymore.”

“Wow… Thanks, Archer,” Shirou’s expression brightened and he beamed as a result. “You’re a real asshole most of the time, but I really appreciate that.”

Pure horror engraved itself in his face and Archer probably would have screamed if stupid didn’t have a hold on his throat. That fool that took his insult as a compliment was unquestionably himself and it made him physically sick. No, it had to be an act. Perhaps a reaction steeped in the same sarcasm?

Rin coughed, “Too subtle, Archer. Too subtle.”

She confirmed his fears. That twinkle in his eyes was sincere and Archer felt like punching him all over again. “I’m making fun of you, you dipshit!” He spread his arms wide, his voice drenched in rage as he stared himself down. “Rule…” He sighed. Acknowledging it was just as bad as saying it, “Rule breaking aside, knowing that you are seriously this stupid makes me want to drown myself in bleach.”

“Is that a double entendre?”

“Oh my God…” Archer balled his hands into fist, “I’m going to punch through your fucking face!”

“Wait!” Shirou held out a hand as Rule Breaker finally broke and faded away, “Don’t you want to save people? Don’t you want to put an end to the Grail War?”

It was an appeal to his softer side and, though the urge to punch him was still present, he still felt compelled to listen to what the boy had to say. Shirou was dumb, but he was also sincere. He wouldn’t say something like that just to save his own life, “Talk. And it better not be something stupid.”

“With Rule Breaker, we can end this war now.” Shirou stared at the hand that held the dagger not even seconds ago. “I can finally become the hero that I wanted to be… not the one the world forced me to become.”

It was reasonable and surprisingly thoughtful, something he didn’t expect out of Shirou. The boy that was once a threat to the world was still an enemy to common sense, but Archer knew he was a man of his word. If he said something he meant it.

“I was wrong about you,” Archer relaxed his hand as he neared Shirou and extended it towards him, “So what’s the plan?”

“I’m gonna stab the grail with Rule Breaker.”

Archer’s hand fell back to his side and he paled to extreme degree. Behind him, Saber dropped her sword and Rin put her face directly into the middle of her palm.

It was so stupid an idea that the world suffered. Gilgamesh tripped chasing Shinji and mistakenly forced Ilya’s heart into a tree and the boy laughed until a single glare from the king made his underwear heavy. Sakura held up her completed love letter with pride before it was snatched away by a gust and carried out of her window. Taiga successfully cooked something, and somehow managed to make it edible.

Archer was rendered unconscious by the stupidity and Shirou made no attempt to catch or even help him. Instead, he turned on his heel and started to walk towards the exit of the burning castle. He didn’t have any time to waste. People were counting on him and, now that he was a hero, he would answer them.

There were all sorts of work to be done. People stuck in bad apartments that needed to get out of their leases, people that needed help with mystery novels even after the end, people that simply didn’t understand the significance of salad forks… With Rule Breaker, he’d be able to help all of them and more!

With Saber and Rin reluctantly in tow, Shirou proudly walked down the hall with twinkles in eyes.

“I…”Archer cocked his head to the side to watch them leave. There was nothing that he could do. He couldn’t get close to Shirou without losing brain cells. “I hope Gilgamesh kills you.”

“Haha!” Shirou laughed out loud, not even bothering to stop as he threw his head back and laughed all the way down the hallway. “I’ll like to see him try now! Unlimited Rule Breaks has something to say about that.”

“So… even the name of the route changed,” Archer turned his eyes back up to the burning ceiling. He was done. Enough damage was done to his psyche that he could just quietly fade away. He closed his eyes and prepared to vanish into nothingness, but he wasn’t even allowed that much.

“You can’t just lay there, Archer,” With a stroke of genius, Shirou hoisted the man up and looped one of his arms behind his neck, “You and me with dual Rule Breakers… What do you think about that?”

Archer bowed his head and wept silent, bitter tears.

End

[Milbunk]

Name: Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely
Author: Anon

XXX

For the past couple of weeks, Emiya Shirou couldn’t help but feel like there was something strange going on in his home. Things were never where he had left them, and there were plenty of times when he had heard a door opening or closing with nobody else around. There was also the fact that he could sometimes feel another presence around him, even when he was sure that he was home alone.

It was true that Taiga still visited often; with the Holy Grail War over, there was no reason to keep her from returning now. However, Shirou could always tell when she was around, since she would energetically announce herself whenever she arrived. It was unlikely that it was Saber either; since accepting Rin as her Master it had been agreed that she would stay over at Rin’s residence, and the two of them usually only came around when it was time for a meal.

As for Rin… well, she had said sneaking around him was beneath her. There was no reason for her to tip toe around Shirou – after all, what kind of person would sneak around their own property?

Still – there was no doubt in his mind that there was someone there. Today, when he had woken up this morning, there was undeniable evidence that someone had invaded his home. From the moment he had gotten out of bed he could smell something suspicious in the air – and by the time he had walked into the dining room he was greeted by an unbelievable sight.

“Ah… good morning, Senpai!”

…there, on the table, was a meal ready and waiting for him.

“That’s… impossible!”

Sakura blinked. Shirou was acting strange again… then again, he had been acting strange for the past few weeks. “What are you talking about, Senpai?”

There was no doubt that it couldn’t have been Saber. There was no way that she could cook, after all – and even if she had it would’ve been all gone by now. Taiga was also out of the question; her skills were a little better than the King of Knights’, but she preferred to taste the meals of other people’s labor than to make something herself. As for Rin…

Well, as much as Shirou hated to admit it, Rin was about as good as him. However, it was simply too early in the morning for someone like Rin to make breakfast. The only way Shirou could make her get up that early was to set the clocks ahead without telling her.

Whoever did this… well, he had no idea who it could be.

Still, he couldn’t give up. Taking into account the fact that steam was still rising from the food and the fact he hadn’t heard anybody leave, Shirou came to the conclusion that whoever it was that did this must still be close by.

“Alright!” he yelled, looking around, expecting something to jump out at any minute. “Whoever you are, whoever did this, come out right now!”

Sakura stepped back, shocked and confused. She couldn’t understand why Shirou was shouting all of a sudden – or why he seemed to be so mad. “…Senpai? Senpai, you’re scaring me. You’re not mad that I made breakfast without you, are you?”

“Tch… no answer,” Shirou said. Despite the silence, however, he couldn’t relax. The intruder clearly wanted to remain hidden.

“Senpai, what are you talking about?” Sakura asked, confused. Hadn’t he heard her? It was impossible that he didn’t, she was standing right next to him, after all. “I’m right in front of you!”

“I don’t get it, though,” Shirou said, shaking his head. “Why would you do this? Just who are you?”

“Senpai…” Sakura was starting to panic, and began to frantically wave her hand in front of Shirou’s face. “This some sort of joke right? You’re just messing around with me, aren’t you?”

Shirou closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I may not know those things right now… but I will find you. If you can still hear me – I will find you!”

“…Senpai,” Sakura cried. “This isn’t funny.”

Suddenly, Shirou heard the front door open. “Shirou, I’m here~” a familiar voice suddenly said, carried all the way from the entrance. “Something smells nice – are you already cooking?” A moment later, Taiga walked into the dining room – a bright smile appearing on her face as she saw the food laid out.

“Oh, that looks good!” Taiga said hungrily, her mouth already watering.

“Yeah, it does,” Shirou said reluctantly, a frown on his face. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one who made it.”

“Oh?” Taiga tilted her head. “That’s surprising.”

“T-that’s right!” Sakura said, taking a step towards Taiga; surely she could clear up this mess. “I’m the one who made it!”

“Well,” Taiga said with a shrug. “It really doesn’t matter who made it, does it?”

Sakura blinked. “This is serious! Senpai’s acting really strange… it’s like he doesn’t even see-”

“Let’s just be grateful for whatever miracle made this appear,” Taiga said with a nod.

“…me.”

“You’re too laid back,” Shirou said, as he watched his teacher take a seat at the table.

“You can’t let delicious food go to waste!”

“You’ve got a point there,” Shirou admitted. For some reason, he couldn’t imagine that this food was poisoned or anything. “Just be sure to wait for Tohsaka and Saber to get here. It’s best to eat together.”

“Fine,” Taiga said with a pout.

“…why don’t either of you two see me?”

Shirou blinked. The more he stared at the table, the more he realized there was something strange about it. Then, after a few moments of thought, he realized what was off…

“Ah!”

“Eh?” Taiga said, looking up at him. “Is there something wrong?”

“Not really,” Shirou admitted. “It’s just… I noticed the table is set for five people.”

“So?”

“There are only four of us, if you include Rin and Saber…”

“The last plate is supposed to be for me…”

“Eh?” Taiga said, tilting her head. “Aren’t you forgetting someone?”

Shirou blinked. “…you’re right,” he said, a big grin appearing on his face.

Sakura’s eyes widened. Could it be… “Did you finally remember?”

“How could I ever forget about that person? There’s not as many people as close or as important to me as Matou-”

“Yes! That’s right! Remember my name!”

“-Shinji, my best friend in the world!”

"…I give up."

[Milbunk]

Name: A Day at the Pool
Author: Anon


It was the dead of summer. The scorching sun was blazing upon Fuyuki City, with temperatures reaching well over 30° C. The entire situation could be summed up in one word:

“Hot…”

One Shirou Emiya stood in the kitchen, washing the dishes after breakfast. He could barely stand the temperature; he had placed a fan in the room, opened all the windows, and the incense wasn’t doing its job of keeping mosquitoes out. Wiping the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve, Shirou sighed.

“It feels like I’m being roasted in here…” he said.

“Shirou!” a voice called from the hall. Shirou turned his head towards the door, as Saber came into the room. “The mail is here. There’s a letter for you from Kotomine.” she said, her voice lowering at the name.

“Kotomine? The priest? What could he want from us?” Shirou replied. Saber handed the letter to him, and he read its contents. It said:

“Rejoice Emiya Shirou!

As the final participant in the Holy Grail War, you have been invited to the official Holy Grail Relaxation Day, to be held today at the local pool at 11:00 AM. All Masters and Servants are invited. Don’t forget to bring your own swimsuits and other necessities.

Sincerely,

Kirei Kotomine

Church Mediator”

And in a very fine, and unnoticed, print:

“P.S.: Admission costs 2000 yen per person.”

Shirou eyed the letter, a stern look crossing his face. “A…relaxation day…huh?”

“It was sent by the War’s Mediator, but the fact that all Masters and Servants will be united in one place…something seems suspicious about this.” replied Saber, in a serious tone.

Shirou crossed his arms, closed his eyes and thought. It did seem suspicious for the war’s mediator to suddenly invite everyone for a day out, and at a public place, at that. However…it really was hot that day. Whatever intention the priest had, Shirou had to admit the offer seemed tempting. Fuji-nee was asleep, and Sakura had left a while ago, so there was no danger of being discovered.

With his mind settled, he turned to Saber, and said, “Well, I doubt the mediator has any ulterior motives.”

“But Shirou-!”

“Sure, I don’t trust him, but how many chances do we get to relax at the pool?”

“That’s still no-”

“And look! There’s a free all-you-can-eat snack bar available, too!”

Saber’s ahoge immediately stood up as soon as she heard that. Snatching the letter from Shirou’s hands, she read the really fine print:

“P.S.S.: There will be some free food available at the snack bar, along with an ‘all-you-can-eat’ buffet.”

With even finer, and still unnoticed, print next to it saying:

"The latter has a fixed fee of 8000 yen."

Saber’s eyes lit up upon reading the former; turning to face Shirou, she spoke with incredible confidence.

“Shirou…we must attend this pool party!”

With the weather as hot as it was, Shirou thought, it would be a good idea to spend some time at the pool. Fist pumping, he smiled.

“Right! Let’s go get ready, Saber!”

Taiga kept snoring, drool falling into the tatami, as Shirou and Saber went to their rooms to change.

************************************************** ******************************

The pool seemed empty that day, which, Shirou thought, was something unusual for such a hot day. Kotomine must have made some arrangements to ensure that only Masters and Servants could enjoy themselves during the occasion. Mentally shrugging, he made his way in with Saber. He was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt, with some blue swimming shorts, while Saber similarly wore a white blouse and blue shorts.

Speaking of Kotomine, he was sitting next to the pool, donning a simple black shirt and matching swimming shorts. Hearing the pair making their way towards him, he stood up and turned to greet them.

“Welcome, Shirou Emiya. I’m very glad you came.” said Kotomine, with a familiar, somewhat ominous tone in his voice.

“Yeah, it was hot today, so a day at the pool wouldn’t hurt.” replied Shirou.

The priest narrowed his eyes. “That’s good to know. However, I must inform you that you are not the first to arrive.” he said.

“Well, look who’s here! We meet again, eh, lad?” a voice spoke.

Shirou immediately recognized that voice, turned towards the source, and his eyes widened. Saber also turned her gaze to where Shirou was staring, and immediately took upon a defensive stance.

Walking towards them was a blue-haired man, clad only in a blue speedo. He made his way towards the trio, and crossed his arms. Lancer grinned, sending shivers down Shirou’s spine.

“What are you doing here?!” Shirou growled.

“Hey, hey, relax. I’m sorry about that ‘killing you’ thing. Heh. Just came here to relax. I’m assuming you’re here for that too.” Lancer replied, unfazed by Shirou’s attempt at intimidation.

“That is true, Emiya. As mediator in this War, I have taken measures to ensure the safety of all participants during this meeting.” said Kotomine.

“I don’t trust him,” was Shirou’s only reply.

“Shirou, it would be best to simply leave Lancer be, and enjoy ourselves. If you let him get to you, you’ll only be falling into his trap.” Saber cautioned. Although somewhat reluctantly, Shirou backed down, and left with Saber towards the changing rooms.

“Ha! Do those 2 know about-?”

“No. They do not. And I believe it will be more…entertaining that way.”

************************************************** ******************************

After leaving the changing room, Shirou made his way towards the pool while Saber ran to the snack bar. Shirou prayed for whoever was in charge of the bar (although he thanked the heavens he didn’t have to pay for any of it). On his way, however, he was stopped by someone calling him.

“Hey, Emiya! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Who-?”

Shirou turned, and saw his old friend Shinji Matou, clad in white shorts and standing next to a purple-haired woman, she herself wearing an appropriately purple bikini and a diving mask.

“So, you’re also participating in this War, huh? Well, it’s good to know; after all, the competition has been quite unimpressive, I must say!” Shinji replied, pride masking his face.

“Well, I’m surprised you are participating. I didn’t think you were a magus.”

“WHAT?!” Shinji shouted, before clearing his throat. “I mean, of course I’m a magus! The greatest there is! And I shall be the one to win the Holy Grail! Let’s go, Rider; we don’t have time to waste here.”

“Yes, Master.” replied Rider, and both turned to leave.

“What was that all abou-” Shirou said, but before he could continue…

“Onii-chan!!”

Upon hearing that, Shirou once again turned his gaze, meeting Illya’s ruby gaze with his own. She was waving at him, wearing a cute pink swimsuit. Behind her, stood her two servants, Sella and Leysritt, carrying several bags and buckets.

“I-Illya!? Wha-what are you-? Where’s -?” Shirou stuttered, unable to voice the thought.

Illya threw herself, arms wide open, towards Shirou, and gave him a hug. Shirou immediately tried to pry her off of him, to no avail.

“Don’t worry, Onii-chan! Berserker is on an errand right now, so he’ll be here to play with you later! Until then, why don’t we go swimming together, Onii-chan?”

“Um…well…”

“Ojou-sama, we should leave this…” Sella interjected, trying to think of an appropriate term, “commoner, and go to the pool ourselves. We’ll play with you, if you’d like.”

“Aww, but I want to play with Onii-cha-” Illya tried to reply, until she noticed she was holding nothing but air. “Onii-chan?”

Shirou gasped for air, as he had somehow managed to sneak away from Illya and her maids. Sighing, he made his way towards the pool.

“ONII-CHAAAN!!!”

************************************************** ******************************

Saber had already prepared a buffet for herself. An entire table had been set up just for her, and it was filled to the brim with food. Of course, the food had to be replenished every few minutes, as Saber kept wolfing down everything in front of her.

On a table next to her, a blue haired woman and a suit-clad man sat down. While the man curiously (yet stoically) looked towards their neighbor, the woman gazed upon her partner.

“Isn’t it nice, Souichiro-sama? A nice day at the pool…we can relax, forget about all those everyday problems…and, perhaps, we could go to the changing rooms and-”

“Mfey, mfo mmou mfaff mfomfe mfalt?” asked Saber, although her voice was slightly muffled from all the food stuffed in her mouth. What she probably meant was, ‘Hey, do you have some salt?’

“Here you go.” replied Kuzuki, handing Saber the salt.

Caster’s eye twitched. However, she regained her composure. “A-as I was saying, maybe after all of this, we could go and-”

“Excuse me, could you pass me the ketchup?” once again Saber asked. Steam was coming out of Caster’s ears as Kuzuki handed Saber her condiment.

“Erm…Souichiro-sama?”

“Yes, Caster?”

“Are you hungry?”

“To be honest, not really. I came here because I thought you were.”

As if by response, Caster’s stomach growled. She, however, ignored the feeling, and replied to her partner.

“Well, maybe we should go to the pool first. We don’t want any cramps later, r-right?” she said, gritting her teeth.

“…Very well.”

Both stood up and left towards the changing rooms. Saber kept eating as the two made their way through the door. However, she noticed something.

“Hey!”

...

...

...

“I’m out of mapo.”

************************************************** ***************

Shirou floated lazily in the water, his eyes closed. Not a single care in the world, just relaxing in the cool, crystal clear-

“E-Emiya?!”

...It seemed he had bumped into someone. And that someone happened to be Rin Tohsaka, wearing a small red bikini. Of course, Shirou’s head was now right in front of her chest, his eyes level with her-

“T-Tohsaka?!”

*slap*

“O-Ouch!” Shirou scrambled to right himself, still sore from the slap to the face he’d just received. He settled down next to Rin, who was holding her arms to cover her breasts.

“Hmph! Pervert. You think that’s how you treat a lady?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! I was just swimming when-”

“So the boy is trying to make excuses now, isn’t he?”

Shirou turned towards the poolside. There, sitting on a pool chair, was Rin’s Servant, Archer. He had his usual smug grin plastered on his face, wore black shorts and sunglasses.

“Mind your own business, Archer!” Shirou shouted.

“Really?” Archer chuckled in response. “Very well. I’ll go see around. You think you can take care of yourself, Rin?”

“Wha- Of course I can!” she replied, somewhat angrily. “Just go, okay? I’ll call you when you’re needed.”

Shrugging, Archer stood up and left, the smug grin never leaving his face.

Rin sighed and sat down at the edge of the pool, Shirou following her and holding on the edge to steady.

“So, you’ve decided to participate, huh?” Rin asked, somewhat concerned.

“Yeah…I…wanted to fulfill my promise. To my father.”

“Your father?”

“Yeah. I promised him, that I would become a hero. I would save everyone!”

Rin sighed, and turned her gaze away from Shirou. “Naïve as always, Shirou…” She looked up, now with a slight smile in her face. “But still…that’s…impressive.”

“What was that, Tohsaka?”

Rin turned red in a matter of seconds. “N-N-Nothing!” she clumsily replied. “Hahaha! The weather is so hot! I think I’ll go swimming over there! Haha! Archer? Archer?! Let’s go!”

Immediately after that outburt, Rin stood up, got into position, and jumped right into the pool, splashing water towards Shirou as she swam away.

“…Seriously, what was that all about?”

“O-nii-chan~!” a voice echoed from afar, unheard by Shirou...

************************************************** ******************************

Archer was walking down the poolside, inspecting his future opponents. From what he could remember, everything seemed in order. Shinji was boasting his swimming skills, Rider tried not to facepalm, and Lancer was eating some snacks.

The last turned his gaze towards him. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. ‘I don’t use my bow and arrow’.”

“Hello to you too, Mr. Dog”

“DON’T CALL ME DOG!”

Archer simply chuckled at Lancer’s reaction. “Well, what do you want with me? Your Master didn’t give you any orders?”

“Hmpf! As if! I don’t need any restraints here. I’ve been told not to kill any guests…but he didn’t say anything about beating you to within an inch of your life.” Lancer boasted.

“Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you try.” Archer replied. Their faces were so close, sparks could be seen shooting between their eyes. That is, until someone broke the silence.

“Will you two take your argument somewhere else? I’m trying to read here.”

Both Servants turned to see Kotomine sitting beside them. He didn’t even bother lifting his gaze from the newspaper. Both turned and walked away from him…

…and immediately resumed their conflict.

“I know. Let’s have a little contest. What do you think?” asked Archer.

“Anything you do, I can do better. Out with it! ” replied Lancer.

Archer pointed towards the pool's diving tower. The structure was incredibly tall, such that even Lancer was a little nervous about going to such heights.

“You see that? Let’s see who can reach the highest platform…and jump.”

************************************************** ******************************

Shirou tried to relax; that was why he had been invited in the first place, right? Of course, no matter what he did, it seemed trouble would follow him wherever he went. In this case, it came in the form of some…unexpected guests.

“SHIROU!”

“W-What?!” Shirou blubbered, immediately before a flying kick was delivered to his stomach. He instantly plummeted to the bottom of the pool, before he was pulled out by the same person who had kicked him.

Still a little bit dazed, Shirou managed a, “H-Hey there, Fuji-nee…”

“Shirou, how could you leave me behind all alone at home?!” replied Taiga, tears streaming down her face.

“You were asleep; I didn’t want to disturb you! And besides, how did you know I was here?!”

Taiga gave a malicious chuckle as she turned her gaze to her protégée. “Oh, I just happened to stumble upon this letter addressed to you!” she said, displaying the very same letter Shirou had forgotten that morning.

“B-But that’s-”

“I don’t know what this ‘Holey Grail’ thing is, but I came here to enjoy the pool! The pool! And the food, too!”

Before Shirou could even reply, Taiga interrupted. “And because you were sooo~ mean, I decided to invite someone, too!”

“What? Who did you-”

“Hello, S-Sempai.”

Shirou spun around, and his eyes widened at the sight. Standing there, wearing only a small white bikini, was none other than Sakura Matou, his underclassman.

‘So beautiful’, blearily thought Shirou.

“P-please stop staring, Sempai…” said Sakura somewhat embarassed.

“A-Ah, wait, Sakura, I-”

“Ah, that’s puberty for you. Stop staring, pervert!” said Taiga, as she smacked Shirou in the back of the head. “Now, I’ll go swimming around for a while and then I’ll hit the snack bar. See you later, children! Don’t do anything bad while I’m away!”

“Ow…that hurt…”

“Sempai, are you okay?”

As the two teenagers continued their conversation, a small figure observed from the shadows, her piercing red eyes waiting for the right time to strike…

************************************************** ******************************

“Hey, what’s taking you so long?”

Lancer was fearless; he was one of the most bloodthirsty warriors in history, the ‘Hound of Ulster’ of legend and folklore. He wasn’t afraid of any opponent; he would never be afraid of something as silly as great heights.

Yet for some reason his body had stopped climbing the ladder to the highest platform.

‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ thought Lancer. ‘Something’s not right…why won’t my body move?!’

“If you’re scared, you can always back down, Lancer!” shouted Archer from below, smug written all over his face.

But no. He wouldn’t dare show any weakness to his enemy! He was Lancer, the strongest Servant! He was going to win this Holy Grail War, and only him! As such…something as trivial as a high platform would not stop him from beating Archer’s challenge!

Teeth clenched, Lancer kept going up, climbing the ladder all the way to the top. Below, Archer watched the spectacle. He knew Lancer wouldn’t back down from such a silly challenge, and this entire situation could amuse him…for a few more minutes.

Lancer had already made his way to the top platform; so high, Lancer could barely hear him. However, before Archer could (mockingly) congratulate the Hound, a powerful sound reached his ears.

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!”

Archer’s eyes widened, his grin immediately replaced by a look of horror. That roar…it could only come from one source. And that source seemed to get closer and closer…

As much as it would be nice to tell Lancer of the impending danger approaching, Archer thought the best course of action would be to immediately get the hell away as fast as he could. ‘Sorry, Lancer,’ he thought. ‘Survival of the fittest.’

Meanwhile, at the platform, Lancer could only focus on the pool below. He felt an…ominous aura starting to build up, but he dismissed it as unconscious fear, which he would have none of. Getting into position, Lancer hopped three times, and on the third, he dove off the platform, satisfied he had met and beat Archer’s challenge.

Speaking of, where was the bowman? Lancer was sure that he had been standing next to the tower a few moments ago…

The water made a splash when Lancer dropped into it. He easily surfaced, gasping for some air. ‘That wasn’t so bad’, he thought.

Unfortunately, heavy steps were making their way towards the pool…

************************************************** ***************

“A swimming contest?” Shirou wanted to confirm.

“Yes. Our Servants can’t fight here, after all, so it would be the only way to see who’s the best around”, replied Shinji, confident in his...skill.

“Nii-san, please, don’t-”

“Silence! I’m sure of my victory, even with such a weak Servant. That’ll show you I’m the best Master of all!”

Sakura could only look pitifully at Rider, since she had relinquished her position as Master to her adoptive brother.

Nevertheless, Shirou seemed unfazed by his friend's display. He simply sighed in response.

“Well, a little race wouldn’t hurt. But I still think the idea is somewhat…ridiculous.”

“Nonsense! Or are you really that weak, Emiya, that you can’t carry a girl on your shoulders?”

Shirou seemed annoyed at the comment. “Come, Saber!”

In an instant, Saber was at Shirou’s side. “You have called, Master?”

“Saber, get on my shoulders!”

“Uh…what?”

“Just do it!”

Saber stared at Shirou incredulously, but complied with her Master’s orders.

“Rider, you too!”

“Yes, Master!”

Both Servants were now holding onto their Masters’ heads, and the two of them held their Servants with their hands.

“Good luck, Sempai!”

“Whoever gets to the other side, wins. You ready, Emiya?” said Shinji.

“Saber?”

“I’m ready, Shirou.”

“Then, on your marks…get set…GO!” shouted Shinji. Both Masters started running as fast as they could. Of course, being in a body of water and carrying someone on their shoulders, meant that Sakura lazily floating next to them was actually moving faster.

“Don’t give up, Sempai! You can do it!” cheered Sakura.

“ROOT FOR ME TOO!”

“Err…Go…Nii-san?” she said, although in a less than cheerful tone.

“Don’t worry, Master. My Riding skill is ranked A+. We can’t lose.”

“Shirou, Rider and her Master are getting ahead!”

“Damn it!”

Rider’s riding skills meant that, even in such a ridiculous setting, she could gain an advantage over Saber. Shinji’s speed seemed to increase, while Shirou was being left behind.

“Hahaha! S-See Emiya? I-I obviously have the better Servant!”

“I won’t let him win.” Shirou replied.

Their heated duel, of which they had completed around 12%, was suddenly interrupted, when Shirou heard a voice calling from outside the pool.

“Berserker! Come here and play with us!”

Shirou’s eyes widened in terror as he stopped in place, knowing what was to come.

“Oh…crap…”

************************************************** ******************************

Lancer had finally jumped from the highest platform, proving once and for all that he was not a ‘scaredy-dog’ as Archer had called him. However, his moment of triumph was cut short when, after resurfacing, Archer was nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell did he go?” asked Lancer.

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!”

As if on cue, a powerful roar was heard throughout the pool. The water around Lancer seemed to darken, but on closer inspection, he realized a shadow was surrounding the area. And it seemed to be focusing on…

“What the-?!”

He turned his gaze up, and screamed. Before he could even move, a copper meteorite smashed upon him, sending tidal waves throughout the pool.

“They killed Lancer!” Archer shouted.

“You’re not human!” replied Rin.

The powerful waves created by the giant’s fall sent everyone swimming in the pool hurtling out. As much as they tried to resist, Shinji and Rider were washed away by the waves, Shinji cursing their luck all the way. Shirou, Sakura and Saber, however, managed to hold their ground.

The waves sent a torrent of water all over the poolside. To avoid the incoming torrent, Kotomine simply moved the parasol next to him a bit, not once lifting his gaze from the morning newspaper. Caster, on the other hand, had settled with Kuzuki on a chair nearby some minutes ago.

“Souichiro-sama! Isn’t this just wonderful? Both of us, together, under the sun, by the pool. It’s just like a romantic honey-”

The waters came crashing down on the couple. Caster had a disappointed look on her face, while Kuzuki simply straightened his suit. With a heavy sigh, Caster resigned herself and plopped down next to her lover, her attempt at a romantic date ruined.

“…Caster, are you alright?”

“Yes…Souichiro-sama…”

‘Dammit, why did Sasaki have to go and dissappear like that?’ thought Caster.

************************************************** ******************************
Shirou raised his arms to cover his face from the water, and as soon as the torrent had passed, he lifted his gaze and laid eyes on his newest opponent.

The powerful titan stood at his full height, an angry -no, maddened- expression on his face. On both sides of the pool, stood Illya’s servants, and riding the copper giant was none other than Illyasviel von Einzbern herself.

“Onii-chan! I thought you promised to play with me?”

Rin came running and jumped into the pool, facing the giant alongside Shirou and the others.

“Illya! What is it that you want?!” Rin shouted.

“My, my, if it isn’t the Tohsaka girl. How bothersome.” replied Illya. She snapped his fingers, and ordered: “Berserker! Go fetch Shirou!”

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!” shouted Berserker, as he charged his way through the water, with Shirou as his objective.

“Archer!”

Summoned by Rin’s command, Archer appeared with Kanshou and Bakuya already drawn. However, before he could intervene, Illya issued another command.

“Lis, Sella, stop Archer!”

“As you wish, Ojou-sama.” replied Sella. She nodded to Leysritt, who drew out a halberd from the bag she was carrying. She then charged towards Archer, and both attacks collided with full force.

However, as Archer held his ground against Lis, Sella prepared a powerful magical blast. Archer noticed, but could do little to stop her in his current situation. Fortunately, Saber decided to intervene. She swung her blade at Sella, but the maid managed to avoid the attack, and stood on the poolside while Saber remained in the water, ready to fight both her and Berserker.

Illya, however, was annoyed, since Shirou was still not at her side. In fact, Shirou was trying to make his way out of the pool with Sakura and Rin. He was understandably startled when Illya found him, as she pointed towards his direction.

“Enough! Berserker, get rid of them and bring Shirou to-”

“MONGRELS! It’s far past your time to be here. Now, it is time for the KING to enjoy his pool!”

A voice, full of arrogance and pride, boomed throughout the area.

“That voice!” gasped Saber.

“Who?!” asked Illya. However, instead of a reply, she was greeted by several chains which seemed to appear out of nowhere. The chains managed to put a stop to the fight, as it bound Lis, Sella, Illya and Berserker all together in one bundle, none of them able to escape from the chains' grip.

“What the hell is this?! Berserker!”

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!”

However, no matter how much the titan struggled, he could not budge the chains. Shirou was amazed at such display of power, but something caught his attention: it was a man, currently standing at the top diving platform. He was wearing nothing but yellow shorts and a few pieces of jewelry. His piercing crimson gaze contrasted with his golden hair.

“There!” he pointed, as everyone present turned to look at the mysterious newcomer. Well, everyone except Kotomine, who still wouldn’t lift his gaze from his newspaper.

“Gilgamesh…I asked you not to come. This meeting was for Masters and Servants participating-”

“Foolish priest, have you forgotten that I AM the rules?”

“Oh. Silly me. Continue with whatever it is you’re doing.”

“Ha!” sneered Gilgamesh, the Golden King, as he now turned his gaze towards Illya and her group.

“You can’t do this to me, Goldie! Once we get out, you’ll see! Berserker, break his face!”

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!”

“Such a horrid little meat doll…so useless.” Replied Gilgamesh, unfazed by her threats. “Only I can rule in this pool! And my first decree…is for you to be EXPELLED!”

Powerful lights shone behind the King of Heroes, as several weapons made their way out. This was Gilgamesh’s personal collection, the King’s Treasury.

“Gate of…Babylon!”

The weapons shot out in a flash, all of them aimed at Illya and Berserker.

“OJOU-SAMA!!” shouted both Lis and Sella in unison, while Illya screamed in terror.

All the weapons connected with the giant, until one of them, which happened to be explosive, made contact with his skin. Berserker’s God Hand ensured that he could not be killed twice by the same ability. It didn’t, however, protect him from huge explosions, and thus, Illya and her troupe were sent flying towards parts unknown.

“Why, Onii-chaaaaan…!”

“This doesn’t even make any senseeeee…!”

“…”

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAaaargh…!”

************************************************** **************

“HAHAHAHAHA!!! Such is the fate of a useless doll!” laughed Gilgamesh. “Now…it’s time to reclaim my reward!”

He pointed towards Saber, who was already in battle position. “And no MONGREL shall take her from me.”

Several swords were suddenly sent hurtling towards him, but Gilgamesh managed to avoid every single one, and prepared his Gate of Babylon. With a frown on his face, he turned towards his attacker: Archer.

“Do you have enough swords, King of Heroes?” he mockingly asked.

Gilgamesh simply scoffed. “Do you intend to make me angry? Because you’re feeble attempts at taunting are shallow at best.”

“Who said I was taunting?” replied Archer, who brought forth his bow. Placing a sword on it, he readied the weapon for another salvo.

“Fool! You won’t survive this!” shouted Gilgamesh, who from his Gate shot out hundreds of weapons. Despite the heavy fire, Archer concentrated on his target, and moments later, shot a powerful magic arrow. Gilgamesh was not fooled, and he moved to strike Archer with a sword of his own.

As this was happening, Shirou and Saber were staring slack-jawed at the display of skills between the two Archers. That is, until Rin decided to step in.

“What the hell are you two morons staring at?! Go help Archer!!” she shouted, startling both Shirou and Saber.

“S-She’s right, let’s go, Saber!”

“Right!”

Saber took her sword in hand, and began charging up for her most powerful attack. Meanwhile, Archer was trying to hold his ground against Gilgamesh. Both were now standing on opposite sides of the pool, Gilgamesh with his Gate, Archer with Kanshou and Bakuya.

“Is…i-is that all you got?” asked Archer, worn out from the fight.

Gilgamesh didn’t reply, instead, he simply launched himself towards Archer, sword in hand. The two crossed blades, an epic duel between master swordsmen…or Archers, in this case.

By now, Saber had finally charged her Noble Phantasm to full power. With one mighty shout, she planned to put an end to the conflict. Her blade shone brightly with power; she held it above her head, ready to strike.

“EX-”

One foot in front of the other, she was ready to bring down her sword.

“CALIB-uuaah?!”

Of course, it’s not good to eat before swimming. Saber learned this the hard, and somewhat painful, way, as her leg cramped as soon as she took the step.

“Saber!”

“WOOOAAHHH!!”

With her leg cramped, Shirou rushed to help her. Of course, by now, Saber had already unleashed her ultimate attack. The Sword of Promised Victory had cut through the water, and before it could strike them, both Archers moved out of the way. The diving tower next to them? Not so lucky.

The attack struck the tower with full force, causing large structural damage, which brought down the top levels of the tower. Several platforms collapsed as they fell towards the ground.

“Ha! The attack missed!” said Gilgamesh.

Archer would have replied, but he noticed some shadows growing more and more focused around him. He dared to look up, just in time to see the debris about to fall on him.

“I deserve this, don-” was the last Archer uttered before he was crushed by the platforms.

“ARCHER!!!” shouted Rin, worried about both her Servant, and the fact that if he died, she would have to forfeit the War.

Gilgamesh, on the other hand, was unfazed, and stared at the scene dumbfounded. Shrugging, he turned his attention to the other three who remained on the pool.

“Now,” he said, “It’s time for the King to get his prize…”

“Saber, can you stand?” asked Shirou. Saber nodded in response, and stood up, albeit a bit clumsily.

“Sakura, stay behind me!” he shouted, and Sakura proceeded to do so.

Behind the King of Heroes, the Gate of Babylon shone with golden light as thousands upon thousands of blades were ready to fire. Saber held Excalibur in her hands, and Shirou was standing to her side, his hands holding projected swords.

Kotomine, still not lifting his gaze from the newspaper, gave them one last message.

“Try not to make a mess. We’re renting this place out.”

“Ready, Saber?”

“Ready.”

“MONGRELS!!”

"Sempai!!!”

Swords flew through the air as the Golden King laughed; Excalibur shone with holy light as Saber and Shirou prepared to fight; Kotomine was still reading the newspaper; and soon, the final battle had begun…

************************************************** ******************************

Several hours later, Shirou, Saber, Rin, Sakura and Taiga were now standing outside the pool facilities.

“Man, I’m beat. So much for relaxation…” said Shirou.

“I can’t believe how much effort it took to bring him down. At least Archer's still in one piece.” said Rin. “However, I’m amazed at your skills, Emiya. Perhaps…I underestimated you.”

“No, really, it was just a one-time thing!” Shirou replied nervously. “Not even I think I can pull that off again.”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we managed to beat Gilgamesh, Shirou. Together.” replied Saber.

Shirou nodded in agreement. “Yeah.”

Before they continued, a large, black figure with a skull mask approached them. Saber and Shirou took a defensive stance, ready to fight again, until Sakura simply approached the figure. Both of them were dumbfounded by the following exchange.

“Hassan-chan!”

“Sakura-chan…your grandfather has asked me to pick you up…”

“Sorry about being late. Oh! You should go pick Nii-san and Rider from the pool.”

“Very well. Wait here while I’ll go look for the boy.”

“Thanks, Hassan-chan!”

Sakura then turned back to the others, while Assassin made his way inside. The others were simply staring at her. She turned to them, somewhat worried.

“I-Is something wrong?”

“Sakura…who was that?” asked Taiga.

“Oh! That’s Hassan-chan. He’s Grandpa’s Servant.” Sakura replied.

“O…kay…” said Taiga, preferring to leave out most of today’s events from her memory. Besides, it’s not like the large man in black with a skull mask was any weirder than the blue-haired man in the blue speedo.

“I guess this is goodbye. I’ll see you tomorrow, Sempai.”

“Y-Yeah. Goodbye, Sakura.” replied Shirou. Honestly, ‘Hassan-chan’ scared him a little bit.

“I’m parting ways here too. See you in class, Emiya.” said Rin, as she went her own way, visibly tired. Shirou could only feel sympathy.

“Shirou, I’m hungry. Let’s go home already.” asked Saber.

Shirou sighed. It had been a loooong day. Right now, he just needed a little bit of rest.

************************************************** ******************************

A few days later…

“2.850,000 yen...” Shirou whispered, as he read through the bill he received by mail. The fight at the pool had left it in ruins, and apparently, Kotomine had seen fit to send the reparation fees to all involved parties. His hands were trembling, head hanging low. His eyes were hidden under the shadow of his bangs.

“Saber…” he said, as he turned to his worried Servant.

“Yes…Shirou…?”

He raised his head.

“We’ll only be having tea and rice every meal from now on!” replied a teary-eyed Shirou.

Saber's eyes widened upon hearing those words.

Tears were shed that day.

THE END

[KAIZA]

Why is humor getting left behind? ;_;
Anyhow,
My choice leans towards the 2nd fic.

[Keyne]

"A day at the pool" stole my heart. Too crackish!

[Mike1984]

Well, I've not read the first two yet and, honestly, the third one seemed more mean and spiteful than actually funny, to me at least. A Day at the Pool had funny moments, though.

[Spinach]

Oh my god I never even noticed the black text pffffhahahahaha.

[lantzblades]

good stuff URB is my favourite thus far. And I have to admit Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely falls flat in the humour department and winds up looking mean spirited as a result.

[Lycodrake]

...I have to admit Unfortunate, Maybe, Amusing, Definitely falls flat in the humour department and winds up looking mean spirited as a result.

Same here. ^^;

[Mike1984]

Oh my god I never even noticed the black text pffffhahahahaha.

Well, I have the white background, so it was obvious to me.

That may have ruined the "humour" somewhat, although I doubt I'd have been too fond of it even without that....

[Laith]

Change its Spots was amusing. Not really that funny but fun.

Unlimited Rule Breaks was crackish. It was good.

Unfortunate, maybe, amusing, definitely is dark humor. It was completely amusing since I like things like that. Can understand why it would offend people tho.

A day at the pool is so carnival phantasma-ish. As such it had its good moments and its bads.

As a personal ranking it would be, pool>unfortunate>Rules>Spots.

[Spinach]

Yes, well, I am far more laid back when it comes to humor at the expense of another character, so to me it was perfectly enjoyable. And then when I discovered the blacktext it got even better for me.

[Mike1984]

I can live with "humour at the expense of another character", but that wasn't actually funny. It was just Shirou going around thinking "hmm, why is this stuff happening". Admittedly, it probably works better with the black text hidden at first, because without that it just falls flat.

[Spinach]

Differing opinions, tastes, etc.

[Misheard]

I didn't really like any of these... Spots wasn't really that funny, Rule was toeing the line of repetition between 'funny' and 'getting boring', Unfortunate only had the ending to go for it, and Pool dragged on for me.

Judging by everyone else's reaction, the Humor category was the weakest here. I should probably get to reading the other sections.

[I3uster]

Money is on Unlimited Rule Breaks here.

[KAIZA]

Judging by everyone else's reaction, the Humor category was the weakest here. I should probably get to reading the other sections.

Well, considering Humor was the category with the fewest (and some short) entries, maybe this was to be expected. -_-

[themasterwarlord]

I didn't really like any of these... Spots wasn't really that funny, Rule was toeing the line of repetition between 'funny' and 'getting boring', Unfortunate only had the ending to go for it, and Pool dragged on for me.

Exactly like my thoughts.