Thoughts on Drama...
Family Values
Spoiler:
In a nutshell, it was all right (didn't move me all that much), but I feel it could have been fleshed out a little more - this was certainly something that required more time to work on.
I liked some of the descriptors you used; they were quite nice...it's a shame I can't find the one I liked in particular (I'd have to go over it again...) I'm not too sure, I got the feeling it was written from a narrator's POV; it's quite different from what I'm used to, but it felt like it kept jumping between two or more styles.
There are a lot of wrong words being used ('perspective' instead of 'perceptive' at one point); grammar and punctuation errors, especially the use of the hyphen '-' When using it as you have done, i.e. It’s been a while-the truth is... there should be spaces on both sides of the hyphen, otherwise it looks like a compound word, which it isn't. Though, really, the whole passage should have been something like the following: (without changing too much of the style you used)
"Whenever I have a hard time sleeping," Waver begins awkwardly, "I try drinking some warm milk with honey - it always helps me relax,"
Sakura doesn’t exactly respond, but she doesn’t protest either; Waver considers that to be the best he’s going to get and sets to work. It’s been a while; the truth is his mother used to make him the drink when he was small, but he has a feeling talking about pleasant childhood memories with Sakura would be salting a still fresh wound. Surprisingly, the process comes to him with ease - sauce pan; milk; a few tablespoons of honey; dash of vanilla; some cinnamon...
Something like that anyway. The change in subject in the middle (from talking about his mother to Sakura was a little weird) Interestingly, sticking your text through Grammarly (with the Creative Criteria) as it was gave it a score of 70/100...my edit gave it 100/100 >.> But then...how accurate is Grammarly anyway...? I'm not even sure that some of the punctuation is in the right places...
There are certain aspects of the story that bothered me...especially the Rin situation - that felt largely unresolved. It didn't seem to add up considering how clear it was Sakura still held her very dear... Some characterisations felt off at points too and definitely, long speech could have been broken up. Personally, I don't feel comfortable using full-stops in the middle of speech and when the time comes for it, I try to add in something else happening outside of speech to break up the flow.
Overall, your writing really needs more polish but that should come with time and practice. Also shout-outs...personal choice, I know...Oh! And then there's your inconsistencies when referring to characters in conversation.
Archer's Story
Spoiler:
Inconsistent use of naming convention early on - Shirou Emiya > Emiya-kun > Emiya. I suppose you did it to reflect Rin's closeness to Shirou - in that moment, she wasn't a judge, but his friend...but then, you could have just used 'Shirou' since you referred to him as 'Shirou Emiya' before and not 'Emiya Shirou' But then, it's pretty inconsistent anyway - the bulk is all English with a few sprinklings of Japanese, and my personal taste is dislike; dislike; dislike!
I'm not going to go into a blow-by-blow; line-by-line review (oh...the temptation...) I know what you said about being more of a script-writer (interestingly, that's how I started out and it's how I still write in the draft stages) but I didn't expect so much...so much difficulty. There are certain words used that are simply understatements for the emotion you want to convey and at other times it just feels too over-dramatic. Also, emphasis on certain things changed because of the placement of punctuation...That said, the simplicity does make it easier to visualise, but there's so much I'm in disagreement with as the basis for the story and how it progresses...
If I'm going to be honest, I lost interest a long time ago and only willed myself to finish it out of fairness. The overall message is good, despite being a repetition of FSN anyway (Fate and Heaven's Feel Routes), but it was pretty poor in its execution.
I Am Not There
Spoiler:
Overuse of 'though'; comma placement made it difficult to follow your point sometimes - at times (as I was taught) a comma can be used to separate a point from the rest, i.e. begin, mid, end - where 'end' is a continuation of 'begin' and 'mid' is a side point (I'm looking at the early passage about the lone tree on the mound, where clearly 'end' is a coninuation of 'mid' - perhaps a hyphen should have been used between 'begin' and 'mid' if you didn't use that 'though') If it's not used for that purpose, then it serves as a short pause for pacing.
In my English classes, 'and' never followed a comma (nor does it begin a sentence) but I believe that there are certain conditions for the comma-stalking, i.e. when the two sentences involving 'and' are two complete thoughts related to each other (rule also applies to: For, Nor, But, Or, Yet and So...)
That said, it was a good read. Really bitter-sweet and a nice perspective - lovely poem choice also
Twisted/Bended
Spoiler:
Interesting to see how these events played out for someone else (my vision was entirely different to an extent) I have an issue with certain words you chose - I know there was a certain tone you were trying to maintain, but some words felt wrong.
I'm not sure if this is the best way it could have been presented, but I'm also unsure as to certain aspects of your take...
Ash and Snow
Spoiler:
Okay, first and foremost you definitely need to work on your punctuation use. '............' does not have more of an effect when compared to '...' and too many full-stops make the passages look choppy, rather than flowing the way you intend them to.
However, your story was incredibly beautiful and I felt it so strongly. I don't have words to describe how much I liked it - I am very moved and I do like your style of writing, albeit more than acceptably repetitive (for me!) at times, but it was quite powerful. There were points where the action was a little hard to follow, but the imagery you conveyed was awesome - it was kind of a strange contrast.
The ending was incredibly heart-breaking and I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that
A Madman's Happiness
Spoiler:
Apart from the weirdness...did I detect a Star Wars reference? I don't know...I'm not sure what to make of it...but certainly you need to experiment with other types of punctuation and this one word: 'defunct' I've never seen it used that way. Yes, it is another word for 'deceased' but the context for its use seems different...interesting... - The word, not the story.
Fate/Alternate
Spoiler:
First..."the final haunting words of his now deceased wife that had died" That's redundant and you could have ended that at 'deceased wife' and 'that' is more for objects, rather than people when used that way, so you should have used 'who'.
Reading it, I was prepared to pan it completely...you really do need to work on your writing. It was quite difficult to get through, but dude...that was quite an interesting 'What if' I've never even considered that idea...
Moonlit Purpose
Spoiler:
Very sweet - it was a pleasant read. However, a paragraph is not a sentence and I feel you used commas where other forms of punctuation would have been better.
It didn't really leave me with any special thoughts/feelings, but it was nice to read something like this
Njeri
Spoiler:
You did mean 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' right? 'Brethren' is plural for 'Brother'. I don't think your choice for 'Teutonic' as a description for the Einzberns is correct...it's a very dated term and is not just limited to the Germans, as far as I know - but then, someone more versed in the historical use of words would be better suited to making a better opinion on that. I'm just supposing that most of the errors I've come across and questions I've formed are down to you making your writing as...'flowery'(?) as possible. It's not something to take offense at - I dabbled in that early on and found it didn't work for me; I kept asking myself why use 10 different ways to describe the same thing in one paragraph? It kind of ends up breaking the flow.
It was quite good though - I've grown quite fond of Sigmund and Johannes, and you did a good job of keeping Agnes' identity secret until that one moment, when I guessed it as you planned. I do wonder though...can anyone use the Contender and the Origin Bullets?
Seeking Solace in Servitude
Spoiler:
I dunno...reading this, the impression I was left with was 'wishy-washy' at best. There was something about the characterisation that felt severely off - maybe it was the banter between Archer and Rin...it didn't flow as it should.
Then there was the nature of your R18 section...apart from being left with the very strong impression that I have a lot to learn when it comes to writing that, the whole thing just seemed so easy and un-Rin-like. I suppose a bit more build-up would have worked...but ah, despite not being against Archer/Rin, I wouldn't have seen it go down like that. Maybe that's what it is - a difference in opinion, but still it seemed like there was a bit of self-insertion behind some of Rin's behaviour.
Shared Interest
Spoiler:
Most noticably, you need to keep an eye on your grammar. Surprisingly short, sweet and simple...as such, it didn't really leave me with any special impressions but the idea is weirdly interesting. Altrouge checking out the guy her sister digs...despite their history, she still cares enough to do that?
The Magus' Heart
Spoiler:
Right...it started out on the 'meh' side of 'okay' then I got confused. If Sable came back that day...why would everyone freak out like that? Maybe it's due to it being a snippet of something larger, as you explained...but still perhaps you should have chosen something that didn't skimp on certain details...
Sakura should have referred to herself as 'Imouto' (Younger Sister) since 'Nee' is for older sisters and she wouldn't refer to herself with '-san'. With the English naming convention you chose to use, it would have made more sense to stick to English terms (at least for me) but that is such a glaring error...
The idea is interesting, but I feel it could have also worked without it being HF-AU.
The Reverie of a Winter's Day
Spoiler:
Woo...I liked the writing (a little more use of punctuation and being a bit more mindful of grammar/subtle spelling differences e.g. 'stead' instead of 'steed') But wow, reading the Glossary...I really respect the thought that went into this and it was something so very unexpected.
Would it be shallow to call it my next favourite (after Lunatique) among all the fics entered, simply because of how you dared to take the T-M legends further, beyond the characters we know, and put your knowledge to use/to the test?
Season of Amber
Spoiler:
Did you write this in NotePad? Because some of your spaces seemed to have been eaten...also, at points the formatting seems to have gone weird, though those are not your fault.
'Nonplussed' - dunno if it's worth bringing up, since I know that the true meaning of the word is being overwritten by how the US has been using it, but it actually means the opposite of what most people think - it means to be puzzled by something.
Also...your writing is not one that floats my particular boat - I'm not too big on writing everything a person says (laughter; hearts etc.) phonetically, since there are perfectly good adjectives that can be used to convey the nature/intent you're going for.
That restaurant scene was just...bad. With just speech, there's nothing to add context and it was hard to visualise.
That said it was a strangely interesting idea, but needed more refinement since it clearly felt rushed.
Hmm...I've noticed that my reviews have taken on different formats for each category...and then each review became shorter than the last. Simply, I guess I got tired of repeating myself >.>
Let's see...the ones I liked most (in no particular order) were: Njeri; I Am Not There; The Reverie of a Winter's Day and Ash and Snow.
Overall, yes, Reverie of a Winter's Day comes a close second for me after Lunatique, possibly tied with Ash and Snow.
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