Just like in a kung-fu movie, never attack a smiling, old, bald man. He will always kick you ass, hands down. Shirou has learned well...
Just like in a kung-fu movie, never attack a smiling, old, bald man. He will always kick you ass, hands down. Shirou has learned well...
Attacking bald, smiling old men. The second main cause of death/having your ass handed to yourself in old kung fu movies. Just behind being the enemy of the main character.
Spoiler:
...somehow I'm getting a "big damn Hero" feeling from Shirou.
This chapter needs a second look-over. A fair few spelling errors, and some odd word-choices.
Rin and Shirou were presently preforming nightly patrols of Fuyuki -> performing
Shirou said with a clentched fist. -> clenched
Rider charged foreward at Shirou with incredible speed. -> forward
Saber, likewise in agility, immediatly entered her battle form and intercepted her. -> likewise is an adverb, so it doesn't really make sense here. Use 'similar', 'matched' or something of the sort; immediately
and had waited for the chance to approach Shiji. -> Shinji
"You know full well your Servant can't fight anymore. -> any more
He took the blade and lightly tapped the edged tip against Shiji's cheek, -> Shinji's
It seems I was indefinetly wrong in intrusting a Servant to the likes of you, Shinji." -> definitely; entrusting
You seemd to have not learned well from whoever taught you." -> seemed
Had she of had any Magic Curcuits, -> Had she have had any Magic Circuits (Reads oddly anyway - try a synonym like 'possessed' or rephrase as 'been born with'/something similar).
"Obviously, as Shiji is a Master, and therefore, not our successor, -> Obviously, as Shinji is a Master, therefore not our successor. (The current sense is 'Shinji is our Master, therefore he's not our successor', which is exactly the opposite of what Zōken's trying to say. Honestly, though, it'll still be confusing, since Zōken's finishing off Shirō's thoughts. Personally, I'd just rephrase it entirely).
A heavy weight fell from his shoulders, extreamly glad the girl did not have to become involved -> extremely (This also reads as if either the weight, or perhaps Shirō's shoulders, are glad, rather than Shirō as a whole).
You've been inconsistent with your capitalisation of 'magus'/'Magus' (and magecraft/Magecraft), too.
That's what I caught basically with a glance-over and putting it through a spell-checker; I suspect there will be other problems. You've also started sounding like a thesaurus - 'utilization' is not a common word, for example. That's not necessarily a problem, but it doesn't really help the reader either.
Last edited by Seika; March 21st, 2012 at 05:20 PM.
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Damn it, I was really hoping for Drake.
Oh my God, I forgot about the girl! Excuse me while I re-amp the chapter.
*editing, editing... BING*
Thar we go! Much better. Now, all of you reread the chapter. Should be MUCH better now.
...Who's Drake?Originally Posted by Rodyle
Last edited by Agailius; March 21st, 2012 at 11:44 PM.
My Job Description
Francis Drake, genderbent as a girl, is also known as Extra!Rider.
Hope that helps out.
Xamusel's Fanfiction Profile
For those that don't necessarily care if my fics aren't all Type-Moon related.
Hmm... this is a bit of a surprise these days.
An archive of my works on the forum that's pretty accurate.
Note that I don't wish to be seen as an idiot any longer. I can't always promise better works than before, but I can sure as hell try, alright?
She loves money, bitches and whores, and is generally the best there is.
in the end we will make thoughtcrime impossible, for there shall be no words to express it
#THELEGENDNEVERDIES
[01:05.15] <@Spinach> I can flash gang signs faster than Sasuke can perform ninjutsu and I rap like Medea's High Speed Divine Words.
And most importantly, she can summon a gigantic fleet of flying warships to bombard the shit out of people. She'd also be a way better big sis for Sakura than Medua could ever dream of being.
Also I'm fairly certain that Fuyuki Church is in Shinto, not Miyama. I distinctly remember they need to cross the bridge to get to it from Shirou's house. So actually yes, Waver is closer to Shirou than Kirei is.
Not according to the map.
My Job Description
Hm, alright, so Kirei's closer. Still in Shinto though, you might want to switch Rin and Shirou's patrol routes.
Hmmm....according to that map Rin and Sakura are neighbors. Not too much of a separation if your just moving next door. Hell with a spyglass she could just look into their house....
What is this. Apparently it took Shirou and Kotomine over an our to reach the Einzbern forest, yet Shirou is able to reach the Kotomine church from his house in like no time. And how does it not take him nearly an hour to reach his school?
This map deceives perception.
its magic.
serious answer: bounded field.
great story btw. I can see lots of individual players with their own objectives.
and does this mean that ilya either wont be a servant or will get someone other than berserker? or could it be that lancelot is only a soul buddy with kariya rather than another servant in the war?
some of my fanfics:
Refractions (madoka magica) - No matter how one would attempt to keep things the same as they used to be, the bending of a "law" would inevitable cause changes in the direction of their world, and that in turn would refract back to the their very lives, in ways that she never expected.
Reversed Connections (BRS) - reworked the structure and a mix of anime/OVA, has the Otherworld selves replace their human counterpart in the real world instead of the normals taking control of the Otherworld characters.
The author has already promised a Berserker vs Berserker fight.
...*After doing some research*
Fudge. You're right, KFC. Excuse me while I altercate that.
My Job Description
Yeah that last Chapter really totallly fell flat on me. Also what no delineating how Shinji and Shirou's realtionship would have been in this life. A point of connection was the reaction of them to their dads dying and all. There was also nothing on how any ambition might have affected shinji. Total fucking waste.
Also shirou believing that absolute bullshit as well, in willfull blindness, while shinji's unbandaged arms showed no command seals ,and magic monstrosity was not commanding the servant, is truly bullshit for Iskander's son.
I also agree with Rodyle that Extra rider would have been better as big sis.
Also where gil if he and Rider are in commune.
Then let it break, if it shatters to pieces then forge an even better blade to take in hand. Should that blade crack then forge once again, untill the battlefield is a graveyard of blades that have fallen and but a single sword claims the field that embodies the world. Let that sword bear the world untill its time comes and time blows its dust to the winds. Then forge again.---Eric Dagger
Yeah I thought it was weird that they act EXACTLY the same too. Really Shirou being so dumb and naive without all the superhero nonsense seems strange. You really haven't changed the character very much considering the changed situation.
Thinking on it, I really think a total rewrite wouldn't be a bad idea.
Alright, alright--I'll change it, if you hate it so much. Man, what'll it take to please you people?
--
Alright, Extra!Rider is now the Rider of this War, and Zouken tricked Shirou into thinking he was Rider's Master, not Assassin's. Better?
Last edited by Agailius; March 22nd, 2012 at 11:23 PM. Reason: Have edited the chapter.
My Job Description
Not really. You still aren't fully compensating for the ramifications of the changes you have introduced. Nor are you fulling taking into consideration the entirety of how character would interact. Or that shirou with Waver and an Eirei has guardian has an obscene likelihood of knowing Sakura is magi if only in his own increased ability to sense.
What you put was cop-out that didn't even truly change the chapter. In totatility there was little functional difference. No there was no functional difference worthy of note. Shirou is also ignoring Zouken's in humanity stated by arturia and that should be confirmable by himself in a way similar to From Fake dreams. The excuse these old bone can't work it is unbeleiveable as a magi because surviving long enough for that to truly be a problem generally mean you have ways of overcoming that fact. Shirou as raised by a Magi of clock-tower slash noble house head should know this.
There is also the limit of his tracing abitlies when compared to the fact he has been training under a dedicated magus all his conscious life. It stretches my disbelief that this is his first flawless projection of a mundane weapon when he is suposedly on the cusp of being able to Repair and Non Weapon NP of the quality of the Gordius wheel.
Also Density. Shirou's denseness is really out of place. Considering his primary position is as the heir to an Eirei empire.
Then we need to go to Gil/Rider interaction. The presence as worthy opponents. This should have ramifactions on the development of both their resource and Gil's character. He should actually be trying. Something that could be taken into economics a field of Dominon that one whom seeks to rule the world cannot ignore.
I believe a primary fault in this story is that you have rushed it greatly. Have you truly built the totality of his back-story and worked out as if you were going through it? If so I have trouble seeing that so far. Also have you explored RiderExtra's character and will. Drake is not in any way Medusa nor would she put up with the same shit either.
I must agree with Rodyle going back to the drawing board is advised. Running character ooh it's a bro inertia so heavily is bad when there is portence of seriousness even serious crack.
Then let it break, if it shatters to pieces then forge an even better blade to take in hand. Should that blade crack then forge once again, untill the battlefield is a graveyard of blades that have fallen and but a single sword claims the field that embodies the world. Let that sword bear the world untill its time comes and time blows its dust to the winds. Then forge again.---Eric Dagger
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