It's Judging Time! (Part 3 Drama)

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Fate/Alternate

Techinical: 11/20

I wasn't terribly impressed by the quality of work in this piece, or the style, really. It was neither detailed and epic nor sparse and minimalistic, just a mishmash that didn't fit well with the tone of the piece. Plus, there are grammar errors here and there which detract from the piece - and as noted in another review, I am much more critical on technicalities. The fact that this was a late entry, without anything to make up for the delay, also hurt its rankings.

Concept: 15/20

"What if Kotomine had summoned Saber instead of Assassin?" On the surface it is quite an interesting idea, as a change like who is summoned by who at such a pivotal juncture can have all sorts of effects on events to come. It hinted at a possible redemption of Kotomine, at tension between Gilgamesh and Arturia, forced to work in proxmity, and Kiritsugu possibly with Assassin, a Servant he would get along with...but in almost every respect, it ended up as a major disappointment.

Artistry: 4/20

Unfortunately, while the concept is most interesting, the execution leaves much to be desired. The language isn't smooth, and it seems like you basically just replaced Kiritsugu with Kotomine and called it a day,

Uniqueness: 14/20

If X was summoned by Y is hardly a novel idea, yet I give you some credit for having Kotomine summon someone like Saber, the one who his opposite number called in the war.

Overall: 8/20

What frustrates me most is that your fic had so much potential - and you blew it. You took an interesting concept, one that could have been explored in so many interesting ways - and you ruined it by not exploring any of that.

Total: 52/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: I Am Not There

Techinical: 18/20

A clean, simple style, almost minimalist in its sparsity. There's really nothing much I can comment on about this - nothing stands out as particularly clever technically, but nothing detracts either.

Concept: 20/20

It is said we do not truly die until we are forgotten, that until our lives - and our deeds - truly pass out of memory and time, we linger on this world.

I would wonder if *that* is why it is so hard to become a hero in this modern day and age. Not because of any rule about divine mystery or because technology makes even an average person capable of amazing things - but because we've come to accept the miraculous as commonplace...and because we don't respect the individual as much.

When we talk about modern warfare, we don't talk much about heroes - we talk about weapons. When we talk about tragedies such as school shootings, most of the time, our focus is not on the victim or on the perpetrator as people - but on the weapons they used, the things that drove them to such acts.

So this story, which elevates an *individual's* actions to the public realm - one who did not own any weapon (being a faker) or any sense of self at all - is intriguing, especially in how it ties together with FSN and the theme of heroism.

Artistry: 17/20

While I am typically the sort to want more details about the world in which the characters of a tale dwell, instead of simply the characters themselves, this story demanded something a little bit different, since the focus was on an uncertain recollection. This was presented in a series of Polaroid stories, snapshots from different points along the river of time - a device I've seen before in theatre, but which works well, regardless.

There are no real surprises, no 'wow' moments, no truly unexpected turns - and yet the story is a very solid entry, despite that.

A sense of melancholy pervades this tale, a wistfulness that resounds much like a sigh...

Uniqueness: 19/20

While many stories using the FSN Characters work from an alternate present or a near future, this is the only fic I can think of where Emiya Shirou is present only in the uncertain memories of others - a great departure from the original depiction of FSN, where Emiya Shirou is the protagonist. Here, instead of him shaping the world with his deeds, we see instead how the uncertain recollection of a single deed - the deed that took his life - shape the image of him.

Most of the truth has long been forgotten, with the mind filling in the gaps of memory, building off a common theme until a legend is born.

Though Emiya Shirou is quite dead in this story, and remains an invisible character, his actions and thoughts only visible through the lives and testimonies that were touched by him, his presence lingers, growing beyond humanity into something more.

Overall: 18/20

In the end, the measure of an action, like a life, like a story, is the impact it leaves: How did it make one feel? What does one take away? Was there anything that marred the experience? If so, was it outweighed by another factor?

Very thought-provoking. Definitely a tale I wouldn't mind recommending to others as a poignant study into how heroism is not in what one does, not in the glory one seeks, but in how others remember isoated facets of one's life (or a deed in this case, knowing nothing about a life). When we die, we become both less and more than the person we were, as people forget the mundane things we did, the way we thought, our secret habits - remembering only what they wish to remember.

Total: 93/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Moonlit Purpose

Techinical: 10/20

For the most part, I don't see too many glaring errors. On the other hand, the sentences are long, involved, and ramble on too long when one could do just as easily with a more concise style. Not that its bad, per se, but while I tend to be a little more lenient in a longer work (which by nature has more content and is harder to check over), I tend to be more critical regarding shorter works. With less than a thousand words in this, I expected better proofreading and smoother writing.

Concept: 16/20

In this story, the reflections - and last wish - of an already dying man are presented, a sort of window on the one thought to be "Sasaki Kojiro" - but was really a farmer who had achieved his skill solely through practice, and resolved simply to fight in his last moments. The moments leading up the battle, the thoughts of the man who had no wish until he tested himself in battle - interesting.

Artistry: 12/20

There is some nice imagery at work, but unfortunately this story does not "flow" well. The language is sometimes choppy and not broken down well, and the phrasing tends to be rather awkward at times. The intent was clear, but the execution sadly...left something to be desired.

Uniqueness: 18/20

I don't often see pieces quite like this: the story of a man who knows he is about to die, about to return to the dark and be cast into the cold once more, wishing only for a chance to prove himself he knows will come ere the end.

Overall: 13/20

A interesting snippet, but one that would have been much improved by more attention to detail. Unfortunately, its not as atmospheric as I would have hoped, and doesn't set the stage well for the battle to come, without even a sense of finality.

Total: 69/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Njeri

Techinical: 15/20

As a writer and editor of stories, the technicals of this piece do leave something to be desired. Tense issues can be seen sprinkled here and there in the story, with a number of typos that make me wonder if this author had time to read over his/her work. Even so, its still quite readable, with the grammatical errors not seriously detracting from the quality (or flow) of the story.

All the more so from such a lengthy work, which, like many others, was probably done closer to the deadline than not.

Concept: 20/20

Njeri is a story that plays on multiple levels, with the first indication of this being the title (Albanian for "human, person, individual"), coupled with the nature of the Einzbern protagonists as they get sent off on what seems at first will be simply a straightforward search for a catalyst. But first impressions are rarely everything, particularly in the Nasuverse, for which I am grateful. The progagonists certainly did end up searching for - and finding - the stele they sought, but not quite in the circumstances one might think.

Reaching into the minds of the characters, and setting a quest for identity and meaning alongside the quest for a physical object is quite well done indeed...

Artistry: 19/20

If there is one thing the author of this piece excels it, it is setting scenes and painting vivid pictures in one's mind. I certainly have not walked through a warzone before, but I could feel the tension and confusion of one thrown into one for the first time, here, forced to confront not only the dangers of the world without, but the uncertainties of one's mind. Its obvious that the author did a great deal of research, pulling up the intricacies of the region - and I have to say that the twist at the end was magnificently executed. I'd actually had a passing thought earlier in the fic about certain identites and revelations, but had dismissed them - only for that twist to pop up with a very powerful image.

For who does one fight? Is one a vessel for another's will? Does one have a will of one's own?

Very well crafted as a work that explores the human soul as well as the vagaries of politics, bringing together threads of the past and present - much like life itself.

Uniqueness: 20/20

Its rare that I see a story related to the 5th Grail War that takes place *before* the war in the distant land. Most stories in this time period take place in Fuyuki, revolving around Tohsaka Rin or Emiya Shirou and seguing immediately to the war itself, but this one took the time to flesh out characters not often explored, from a family that is usually overlooked due to Fuyuki-centricity.

Overall: 19/20

In the end, the measure of a story is not the technicals, the concept, the artistry, or the uniqueness - but the impact it leaves: How did it make one feel? What does one take away? Was there anything that marred the experience? If so, was it outweighed by another factor?

All in all, Njeri stands as an excellent work, an exploration not only into action but motivation, not only the landscape of a world at war, but the landscape of a conflicted mind forced to decide what it wanted to do when placed into a crucible. Perhaps it could have been improved with a beta (or a closer eye to grammar, but I still enjoyed this work immensely)

It is no secret that I enjoy unorthodox works that look at alternate paths and possibilities, that force characters to reflect on their motivations and confront the truths of their existences - and in that regard, Njeri delivers. With its deceptively simple scope broadening to a complex, many-layered tale, a fresh setting, characters that one might not expect (but work well, with the surprise delivered flawlesly), and everything else put together, it is one of the best fics in this batch of stories.

Total: 93/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Seeking Solace in Servitude

Techinical: 10/20

No major grammatical flaws in this, as expected. However, on the note of /characterization/, I found Archer and Rin to be rather flat and tired here, with Archer all but taking advantage of Rin in her fragile mental state. If he had truly meant to protect her, I don't think he would have have slept with her, given that he knows it would be the wrong thing to do in that situation.

Its temporary, he's not going to be able to stay (most likely), and giving her that kind of intimacy now instead of just holding her and being there for her is just going to make matters worse in the end.

Concept: 10/20

A very generic Archer/Rin PWP lemon, with nothing really exciting or sensual about it. There's little actual drama to this, nothing gripping or really all that thought provoking. I understand that the focus is supposed to be on those two, but in all fairness, I don't think this stands on its own compared to the other stories. Even as a work of erotica, it is rather lacking.

Artistry: 6/20

While I'll admit that this flowed decently, I'm going to be frank. I felt absolutely nothing from this story. I tried - I really did - I even read it again after a good night's sleep, but I couldn't really connect with it. The language was pedestrian, the emotional content shallow, the engagement lacking, and nothing that raises it above being mediocre at best.

But ok, given that this is the only lemon, let's discuss this on its merits as a lemon: How does Rin (who cannonically goes "Hey. WHAT IS THAT?!" at the mere sight of a penis) know anything about blowjobs? Why does she flip flop between knowing too much and almost nothing at all? Why isn't she either desperate for human contact (a state I know damn well after coming close to death too many times for comfort) and acting more aggressively - or more passive?

Rin isn't much for in-betweens. She's either more dominant if she's taking the lead, or off-balance if someone else does, and you need to make a choice as a writer how you want her to be portrayed, given the situation. To do otherwise is a disservice to yourself, the reader, and the characters you write for, as it leaves no one satisfied.

Uniqueness: 4/20

There is nothing really unique about this story, I'm afraid, with the exception that I think its the only one with lemon content in this round of the TMFFC. The pairing has been done before time and time again, there is nothing original about the love-making here.

Overall: 8/20

Mediocre at best - that's all I have to say.

Total: 38/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Shared Intered - Short Version -

Techinical: 10/20

Much of what holds this fic back from achieving its potential are grammatical issues - which pretty directly translate into a breakdown to a story's flow. In my estimation, flow is the most important aspect of a story, more than plot, more than characterization, more than grammar.

However, aspects of each can contribute to flow or disrupt it - and in this fic, grammatical failings unfortunately detracted from your story's potential.

As a specific example, check the length of your sentences (as well as tenses), and break up some of those paragraphs - like while Altrouge is waiting for Shiki to show up. If you had put each "time" on a line of its own, with a sentence or two summing up her progressively changing moods after each...it would have been much better.

Concept: 14/20

Shinji meeting Altrouge is certainly an interesting idea, though I had expeced more development in this story. More on the character of Altrouge, more on what she was doing there or her thoughts on the modern day - perhaps even more conflict, since this is Drama. You're right that there should probably be a misc category (or slice of life), since this doesn't fit into drama quite so well...

Artistry: 9/20

To reiterate my first point, if someone can read your story and be drawn into it, so that they can overlook any other with it, then that is a good story. Your artistry...is unfortunately lacking here, due to grammatical errors and choices breaking my sense of immersion and my connection with the characters. I wanted to like this, as it was an Altrouge story, and we don't have enough of those, but...

It doesn't always work out.

Uniqueness: 17/20

Well, fairly solid on it being a story featuring the meeting of Altrouge and Shiki - though Shiki on a date isn't entirely original. More exploration into the mindset of Altrouge would definitely helped here.

Overall: 10/20

For a short version, this has a lot of potential. Keep working on it, and you'll have sometihng you can be quite proud of.

Total: 60/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: The Magus' Heart

Techinical: 6/20

There is much I could say about your story on its technical merits, but I will simply quote the most relevant portion:

"(Hey derek, I値l finish this soon. Instead, I値l skip down to the pertinent section)"

Its a pity, really, that you've left things like that in here, along with your claim that the OCs were crucial for their role in the story - even when they *aren't* for the section you have here. I understand that you were unable to finish the story, but for the sake of this contest, it would have been a simple matter to erase references like this - and the OCs - and simply let the story ride on the strength of its concept.

Concept: 18/20

If there is one thing that I find absolutely fascinating, its issues of the mind (largely because I do drama/game therapy for those with emotional and behavioral issues). Particularly when someone like Rin, whose various traumas, fears, anxieties, etc have been repressed for so long, but have now come to a head in this AU Heaven's Feel Route, begins to break down. The depiction of the nightmares, the horrors of dreaming blending into waking, the spiral of depression - all of this is very nicely done.

Artistry: 12/20

As others will no doubt state, this has the potential to be a very touching story. Unfortunately, the comedy sequences with Sable detract from that quite a bit, as we have no idea who she is, why she's relevant to the plot, or what she's doing there besides "writing a thesis." Elesia is quite nice as a Caster though, as she is certainly someone who Sakura can relate to - and someone who knows mental illness well.

Uniqueness: 18/20

In terms of FSN, HF is usually the least used path for fanfics, so it is interesting that you have chosen to employ it here - and to explore an ending where everything is *not* alright, as it really shouldn't be. I still think Rin taking her life at the end of this would have been a much stronger choice, however.

Overall: 16/20

I would encourage you to finish this, as I think it could well be worth it, but I would encourage you to reevaluate whether or not certain characters are necessary. You have a certain economy of characters that would have worked well - if you'd taken the time to polish this story for the contest.

Total: 70/100
Removed from Consideration (Disqualified)

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: The Reverie of a Winter痴 Day

Techinical: 11/20

The quality of the writing is decent, but you could still do with working on diction and division of paragraphs for emphasis. It isn't bad, by any means, just - not great, really.

Concept: 10/20

Issei as the bearer of a recycled origin is an interesting thing, as he does have some resemblance to Shiki. On the other hand, this really isn't a Type-Moon fanfic as much as a story set in a universe similar to that of Type Moon. For the record, I do appreciate your attempt to do something different, something more original - and I think you have a lot of talent as a writer...

...I just don't think this entry is something that really works as part of this contest.

Artistry: 13/20

Stories of the ancient past have always interested me, and yet - who knows. I didn't feel I connected with this character as much, probably because I didn't have the chance to truly get to know him in a lenghtier work. Yes, you have your glossary and your references, but...those only help so much, I'm afraid.

Uniqueness: 19/20

Again, I do applaud your willingness to take risks with this work, and the results are certainly laudable - but uniqueness, unfortunately, does not always equate to an accolade when the rest is somewhat lacking.

Overall: 14/20

To be fair, this is a good piece of work - its just not what the contest is really looking for.

Total: 69/100

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Tsukihime Edited

Technical: 15

Not *quite* as smooth as I would like, but more than passable, considering the state of some of the entries. Still, I would advise you to check your sentences for readability (with one excellent way of doing so to actually read your work out loud).

Concept: 19

I'm not typically a fan of plots where everything that happened was but a dream (because it tends to erase any character development, but...it worked well here, with you giving hints that the world that this alternate SHIKI was in was bout to break down. Break down in quite what way, I wasn't entirely sure - I thought it could possibly be a dreamworld, but then, knowing the penchant for creating AUs in fanfiction, I thought that this could possibly be showcasing how SHIKI would succumb to his demon blood one way or another. To have this be the result of Kohaku drugging him...wasn't what I expected, and I commend you for that.

Artistry: 18

Excellently done. You captured the tension of the breakdown of that world well, allowing a sense of wrongness and unease to seep in in parallel with the lightheartedness of the date. In retrospect, I can see how this was all a dream - but on a first reading its not nearly so obvious. At times playful, at times disturbing, it captured the atmosphere of a what a Type MOON fic should be.

Uniqueness: 19

Dream Sequences by themselves are not exactly unique in the world of Type-MOON. Nasu himself tends to use them quite a bit - but usually to add in more lemon content or reveal the past.

Overall: 18

Hallucination - or a dream within a dream. Its interesting - I kept thinking that this was an AU, given how differently the characters were acting, forgetting of course, that any story where Kohaku is involved should be suspected of narcotic abuse. Well played.

Total: 85, due to late penalty.

[Milbunk]

Type Moon Fanfiction Contest
Judge: AlfheimWanderer
Drama Category: Twisted/Bended

Techinical: 8/20

There are a lot of tense issues in this, which unfortunately really hurt it, as its a shorter piece. At slightly over 2000 words, this would not have been a chore to beta. Instead of a story, its more of a poetic...summary of events, which while interesting, demands precision in the language one uses, since there is so little there as it is.

Concept: 14/20

This, plainly, is the story of Kotomine and his wife, a short retelling of what we've been told. It is, of course, expanded upon and such, but its really just an elegant resummation. Not even a series of vignettes or snapshots, just an abstract, really.

Artistry: 10/20

There is some nice imagery at work, but unfortunately this story does not "flow" well. The language is sometimes choppy and not broken down well, and the phrasing tends to be rather awkward at times. The intent was clear, but the execution sadly...left something to be desired.

Uniqueness: 14/20

It is more unique than a retelling of the 5th War, but there are several Kotomine fics this competition, and he is the second-most focused upon of the characters.

Overall: 13/20

A interesting snippet, but one that would have been much improved by more attention to detail, since the lack of attention to the technical aspects really mars the artistic as well. I'm sorry to say that I didn't like it as much as I would have liked to, but with work, it can be a decent piece of work.

Total: 59/100