Moderation is not Fun. (Fate/Zero Crackfic)

[King of Uruk]

(Crosspost from SB. Inspired by Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies)
Moderation is not Fun


ATTENTION ALL MASTERS AND SERVANTS
(A message from Risei Kotomine)
We have received several complaints from the Mages Association regarding behavior which could potentially reveal the existence of the Holy Grail War, and Magic in general. As such, you are asked to please stop the following behaviors.
​

Emiya Kiritsugu- We have uncovered evidence that you have purchased a large amount of demolition charges. Should we be worried?


Irisviel von Einzbern- We are aware that this is your first time away from your families estate, but we must ask you to refrain from commenting on this within earshot of civilians.


Saber- Please continue your exemplary behavior.


Kotomine Kirei- It doesn't matter whether the prize was a nice hat, eating twice your bodyweight in Mapo Tofu tends to make people uncomfortable


Assassin- Stop following people around, then using Presence Concealment when they turn around. Hiding behind a wall with your mask poking out is even more unacceptable.


Tohsaka Tokiomi- At least try to control your Servant


Archer- Calling everyone "Mongrel" is not proper behavior. While you may be superior to them in every way, this does not mean you have to recognize that they are there


Matou Kariya- Stop stalking the Tohsaka


Berserker- Why have you been stealing motor vehicles?


Waver Velvet- Control your Servant


Rider- Loudly proclaiming your intent to conquer the world is drawing attention from the authorities. Please stop.


Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald- Waver Velvet has been chosen as a Master. You may not have him ejected from the Holy Grail War for stealing your Catalyst.


Lancer- When you go out in public, please cover your "Love Spot"


Caster- Has anyone seen either Caster or his Master?

[hatori]

win.

[SeiKeo]

ha ha, here's a thing each master and servant did! funny joke!

[King of Uruk]

ATTENTION
Apparently, several of you have decided to either not listen to our previous bulletin, or develop another disruptive behavior.

Emiya Kiritsugu- You must register for the Holy Grail War personally. Sending your wife in your place is not a way around this. Even if you draw fake Command Seals on her hand.


Irisviel von Einzbern- No matter what your husband tells you, you are not Saber's Master. Those Command Seals were drawn with a red marker.


Saber- Irisviel is not your Master, no matter how much you want her to be.


Kotomine Kirei- Stop going up to random civilians and telling them to rejoice. While I am happy that several have joined our congregation, it is making most of the others think you are insane


Assassin- Noble Phantasms are not to be used to cheat at poker. Especially not when you make up half the players in the game.


Tohsaka Tokiomi- Control your Servant. Use Command Seals if you have to, just get him in line.


Archer- Stop buying expensive cars when your only reason is to throw them at Berserker. We still don't know what he's been doing with them, but it can't be good. No, it does not matter how funny you think it is.


Matou Kariya- What exactly is Berserker doing?


Berserker- You have been told before. Stop taking those cars.


Waver Velvet- Hypnosis is not to be used to get out of paying for meals


Rider- The term "Loud Shirt" is not to be taken literally.


Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald- Using your Mystic Code to convince people that Fuyuki is being invaded by Aliens is not an activity befitting a Magus of your status.


Lancer- Thank you for complying with our previous instruction.


Caster- If you're the one responsible for those murders, stop it now. And have your Master come to the church to register.
Caster-

[Renko]

Double Win.

[King of Uruk]

ATTENTION: HIGH EXPLOSIVES ARE NOW BANNED FOR USE BY MASTERS.​

Emiya Kiritsugu- You know what you did. Kayneth is not amused.


Irisviel von Einzbern- Your car did not drive away on it's own. Berserker stole it.


Saber- Why are you trying to thank Berserker for stealing Irisviel's car?




Kotomine Kirei- Why are you smirking constantly. Are you plotting something?


Assassin- Stop talking at the same time. It is quite unsettling.


Tohsaka Tokiomi- What do you mean the Command Seals won't work?


Archer- You are not allowed to provide Kiritsugu with explosives just to spite your Master, and this list.


Matou Kariya- We have told you this before, and we will tell you again. Put a stop to whatever Berserker is doing with those cars.


Berserker- Why are you even doing this?


Waver Velvet- Thank you for averting a potential catastrophe.


Rider- Chariot races are no longer a sport. Please do not try to revive them.


Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald- Has anyone seen Kayneth since the explosion?


Lancer- Please inform us as to the whereabouts of your Master


Caster- We are now certain that you are responsible for the murders. If you do not stop, we will put a stop to you

[Renko]

Oh wow... lol.

[King of Uruk]

And now I need to remember one of the three rules of Fanfic.
Good Pacing is Key.

[King of Uruk]

ATTENTION: Lord El-Melloi is still missing, but Lancer is still active. Any information regarding the identity of Lancer's current Master will be gladly accepted

Emiya Kiritsugu- Ancient Babylonian Explosives are still explosives. It even says so in the name.


Irisviel von Einzbern- Please remove the fake Command Seals, you are still not a Master


Saber- You are henceforth forbidden from removing your Ahoge. We shall never speak of this again.


Kotomine Kirei- Having Assassin attempt to find Caster was a good use of time. Making him run errands was not.


Assassin- Stop replacing the spices in your Master's Mapo Tofu with an equivalent amount of sweeteners. Kirei on a sugar rush is almost as bad as him ingesting caffine


Tohsaka Tokiomi- Tell your daughter to refrain from practicing Jewel Magic in plain view. Even with memory modification, most people think that a child playing with fireworks is not a good thing.


Archer- Stop providing Tohsaka Rin with gems just to spite your Master.


Matou Kariya- Thank you for putting a stop to Berserker's carjackings.


Berserker- Nothing new to report. However Berserker has been awfully quiet the last few days......


Waver Velvet- While dealing with Rider is difficult, slamming your head repeatedly into a wall/table is not a productive response.


Rider- Stop challenging random bystanders to arm-wrestle you.


Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald- Has anyone seen Kayneth?


Lancer- Could you please inform us of your Master's whereabouts?


Caster- Those Horrors are a blatant violation of secrecy. Stop using them now.