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Thread: Some Top Gear Thing I Started Awhile Ago

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    Some Top Gear Thing I Started Awhile Ago

    Well, this began almost two years ago now, and probably doesn't even belong here, but bah! We have this section devoted to non-TM stuff, so screw it.

    I actually regained some interest in writing this due to playing Mass Effect 3 and recently (so to speak) watching every single episode of Top Gear again. If you go to Spacebattles or TFF, you may have seen it already, but I decided to post it here for any new comments or ideas. Script format because bite me.






    Jeremy Clarkson (Voice Over): Tonight on Top Gear, I climb a mountain!

    Clarkson is shown strapped inside some type of vehicle, bouncing around the driver's seat.

    Clarkson (muffled from all the movement): Suspension... could be better.

    Clarkson (VO): Hammond climbs a mountain.

    Richard Hammond is driving, occasionally rising up in the seat only to fall back down a second later. On the up-bounces his helmet barely grazes the ceiling.

    Hammond: Times like this I'm thankful I'm not Clarkson.

    Hammond pauses, considering.

    Hammond: Well, all times, really.

    Clarkson (VO): And James climbs a mountain.

    James May is calm in his seat, looking like he's on a leisurely afternoon drive.

    May (over his radio): How's the ride quality over there, Clarkson? *laughs*

    Cut to a shot of all three presenters standing out in the wilderness, staring up at a rugged mountain range. Fade to Top Gear logo.

    Theme ends.

    ***

    Fade to interior of Top Gear studio. Clarkson is standing on the news stage.

    Clarkson: Hello and welcome to the 22nd century!

    Audience applauds.

    Clarkson: Yes, as a special treat for tonight’s series premiere, we’re coming to you from the future!

    Clarkson raises his hands in a placating gesture.

    Clarkson: I know, I know, it appears as if nothing’s changed, but that’s just due to the very simple fact that… well, nothing has.

    Clarkson steps off the stage.

    Clarkson: To prove it, you need only have a look at this. *points right*

    Pan to Hammond standing next to what is obviously a blue Porsche 911, albeit slightly larger than we’ve seen before.

    Hammond: Now, what we have here is the new 2185 Porsche 911 Carrera. It looks, well let’s be honest, it looks the same as every 911 since they started making them.

    Clarkson steps into view.

    Clarkson: Which was quite a while ago, as the first recorded driver of one was known simply by the name “Adam.”

    Hammond: You’ll notice I didn’t say it was a bad thing.

    Outside, Top Gear test track. Hammond is leaning against the 911.

    Hammond: At first blush, this new model hasn’t any radical changes. It’s still rear-wheel drive and it’s still got the engine in the back, like all its ancestors.

    Hammond climbs into the driver’s seat.

    Cut to aerial view of Hammond speeding around the track, powersliding the corners and kicking up large amounts of smoke.

    Hammond (VO): And it handles even better than you’d expect from a 911, which is quite frankly amazing. I could barely notice even a hint of oversteer or understeer.

    Cut to Hammond inside the car.

    Hammond (looking at camera): You won’t find any fancy flight mode, anti-grav or other such extras, since unfortunately after everyday space-flight became commonplace, the car was sort of… I don’t want to say forgotten, but I suppose it went *shudders* out of style. What’s the point of a car, they’d say, when you could just get on a ship, shuttle, or what have you and be at your destination within minutes. Well, so long as you’re staying on the planet.

    Hammond spins the wheel, correcting a turn. Smoke can be seen outside the window.

    Hammond: What we do have is a 6-litre V12 engine with four turbochargers. On your standard Carrera! It’s not even an S or a GT! Can you believe it? I guess the future is good for something after all. This beauty will give you, and I’m not joking, 1,250 brake horsepower.

    Outside. The Porsche pulls to a stop, facing the end of the runway.

    Hammond (VO): Over 1,000 bhp. And not in a Lamborghini, Ferrari, or other Italian supercar. This is commonplace for your sports coupés in this day and age. Consider that for a moment.

    Back inside the car. Hammond is staring at the camera with an arm draped across the back of the passenger’s seat.

    Hammond: To add to the millennia stats, it’s got 1,130 foot pounds of torque, which is just enough… to drag down the moon.

    Hammond glances down the runway, then back to the camera.

    Hammond: Now, as you can imagine, this car is quick. It’ll go from naught to 60 in 2.4 seconds. Naught to 100 in 4 flat. The gearbox is an 8-speed manual, and the designers tell us it will do slightly to the north of 300 miles per hour.

    Hammond sighs and drops his arm.

    Hammond: And as much as I’d love to test that, we simply don’t have enough road here. So to give you an idea of what I’m on about, in true Top Gear tradition we’ll have a drag race.

    Aerial camera. The 911’s engine is now off.

    Hammond (VO): We knew it would be hard to compare the Porsche to anything else they have now, since this is the future and you’ve not seen any cars other than the 911. So what we’ve done is, we’ve brought back something you will recognize.

    Hammond gets out and walks in front of the car as a Bugatti Veyron pulls up alongside it. Clarkson exits and joins Hammond.

    Clarkson: The 2010 Bugatti Veyron SuperSport. You may remember this as the fastest road car… in the world. On a previous series Captain Slow took one of these for a nice spin around a track in Germany, clocking in a top speed of 259 miles per hour. That in mind, with me at the wheel it should have no problems beating Richard’s quaint little Porsche. *smirks*

    Hammond: I wouldn’t be so sure, mate. That may have been a record-setter in the past, but here in the 22nd century Porsche may have topped it.

    Hammond pats the 911 on the bonnet while Clarkson rolls his eyes.

    Hammond: Right, since there’s no other way to settle this, let’s get to it. We’ll be starting here and racing down the runway, ending at the rather large sign with the word “STOP” on it. At the speeds we’ll be going, if we don’t hit the brakes then, well let’s just say Porsche won’t be getting their deposit back.

    Both men get in their respective cars. A crew member comes up to the side, holding a Union Flag. Hammond and Clarkson start their engines.

    Cut to shot of Hammond, one hand on the gearshift, one on the wheel, glancing back and forth between the flagger and the runway.

    Cut to Clarkson, both hands on the wheel, facing the runway but with eyes on the flagger.

    Cut back to flagger. He holds up a hand with three fingers raised. One is lowered, then the next. Finally he waves the flag, signaling the start.

    Both cars squeal and smoke as they pull out, tires trying to get a good grip on the pavement. After a second the Porsche starts to slowly take the lead.

    Cut to Clarkson in the Bugatti.

    Clarkson (glancing out the window): Damn! He’s got slightly quicker acceleration in the 911, but the Veyron’s lighter, so I thought I’d just have the edge. Yet he’s still pulling ahead.

    Inside the Porsche, Hammond is laughing while his eyes flick towards the Veyron.

    Hammond: Haha! All those torques are good for something after all! *glances at speedometer* 80, 90, 100… and still climbing!

    Outside shot. The 911 is about a car length ahead of the Veyron.

    Cut to Clarkson looking fairly disappointed.

    Clarkson: I’m not gonna catch him. These cars are so similar that since he had the better start, there’s almost no chance to overtake, short of him buggering it up.

    Overhead shot of both cars. They’re nearing the finish.

    Back to Hammond. He’s looking backwards at the Veyron.

    Hammond: Take that Clarkson! Your suped-up SuperSport supercar is no match for the good ol’ Porsche 911.

    Cut to outside view. The Bugatti brakes at the sign, but Hammond unknowingly passes it while looking back at Clarkson.

    Cut to inside of Veyron. Clarkson covers a wince.

    Clarkson: Ooh, that’s not good; we might’ve just seen the end of Richard Hammond.

    Inside of 911. Hammond has finally turned around, and is in a bit of a panic.

    Hammond: I may’ve made a slight mistake there. Whilst taunting Jeremy, I seem to have past the point of no return. I’ve got to correct this.

    Hammond slams on the brakes and turns the wheel.

    Cut to outside, aerial view. Smoke is pouring from the wheels of the Porsche as it brakes. It spins sideways, still heading towards the end of the road.

    Cut back to Hammond, a look of concentration on his face.

    Back outside. The car has come to a stop completely turned around, the back wheels only barely on the pavement. Smoke surrounds the car.

    Cut to Hammond, who sags back in his seat, looking relieved. Fade out.

    Fade in to Top Gear studio. Hammond is sitting inside the 911 with the driver’s door open. Clarkson is standing beside it.

    Clarkson: Once again, Hammond has narrowly avoided death. We should make a bit of a drinking game of it. Each time Richard nearly dies, down a pint.

    Hammond: Completely worth it though. Amazing car.

    Clarkson: Yes, I’m not even surprised I lost. The 911 is simply better than the Bugatti in almost every way. Which it should be. Actually, no. It should be even better than it is. Over a hundred years, Porsche! What’ve you been doing all this time?! It obviously wasn’t coming up with anything new for your cars. Every single bit of technology in that thing *points aggressively at 911* was possible back in 2011. Where are the innovations? I’m simply not impressed, if I’m honest.

    Hammond: But-

    Clarkson (interrupts): No, sorry, if this was 2012 or 13, then maybe. But this far into the future I’d expected… more.

    Hammond: Did you not listen earlier when I said “out of style?” Really, nowadays most people just don’t drive like they used to. What with the advent of the X3M speeder, the world of motoring barely even exists anymore. There’s no demand for cars, therefore the car companies that do still exist don’t feel the need to invent something that won’t be bought by more than the hundred or so people who still enjoy going out for an occasional drive.

    Clarkson is looking gobsmacked.

    Clarkson: …I’m honestly speechless right now. Thank God we’re not staying much longer. Why did we even come to the future again?

    Hammond: Did we have a choice?

    Clarkson: Ah. Right.

    Camera turns to shot of the dashboard.

    Clarkson: Hammond, I can’t help but notice something. One thing I do remember you saying was there weren’t any extras.

    Hammond (nodding): I did say that, yes.

    Clarkson: That being the case, what’s that?

    Zoom in to a small button on the gearshift.

    Hammond: Ah, well, I may have fibbed a bit. There may be one or two things. That happens to be the boost.

    Clarkson: Boost?! The car already reportedly does 300, which we can’t even check! How can there be a boost?

    Hammond: There just is, mate.

    Clarkson: Boost. *shakes head* I can’t… anyway, anything else you’d like to tell us?

    Hammond: Well, you know that *mockingly* non-innovative engine? It runs on Helium-3, meaning in addition to practically never having to fill it up, it runs near completely clean.

    Clarkson (to camera): Well there you have it. *claps hands together* The 2185 Porsche 911 Carrera. Not only is it faster than a Veyron, it’s greener as well.

    ***

    Cut to a shot of May, standing next to a video screen.

    May: Now. As you know, we are in the future. However, in order to actually get us here, the BBC had to make a few backroom deals. *pauses* Actually, the way we were brought here is rather interesting. They explained it to us shortly after we arrived; predictably I was soon the only one left in the room. I was told it involved a special recently discovered type of mass relay that, when used in conjunction with a dying star, specifically one in the process of collapsing into a black hole, the combination of-

    Clarkson (loudly from off screen): Moving along…!

    May (sighing): Right. Anyway as I was saying, one of the deals the BBC made was with the military arm of the Systems Alliance. It seems they haven’t had a proper test of their Infantry Fighting Vehicles in a long while. The producers quickly volunteered us for the job. We were each told to visit a separate military base and select an IFV. We would then meet up at a private section of the Heathrow Spaceport, where we would be given a number of challenges.

    Zoom in on video screen. The scene is outside on an empty spot of pavement. The only thing to suggest that this is actually a spaceport is the silhouette of a control tower in the distance.

    Cut to a Mako taking a fast turn around a corner into the area. The back end slides out before being brought into line.

    May (VO): Jeremy was the first to arrive, with his usual aplomb.

    The Mako spins to a sideways stop. Clarkson exits.

    Clarkson: The M35, colloquially known as the Mako. It was designed for use in cooperation with the frigate class of starship. The idea was to be able to rapidly deploy an IFV on any planet, at any time, directly from the ship. Due to this, its armor quality is fairly high. It can withstand high-altitude drops, extreme temperatures, and nearly every type of terrain you can possibly come up with. It’s also got a sealed environment, for those of you out there who can’t handle such trivial things as breathing exceptionally poisonous gases. It’ll comfortably seat four including the driver; five if you’re cozy.

    Clarkson circles the Mako, camera following.

    Clarkson (motioning to the wheels): As you can see, we’ve got three large sets of wheels, all the better for disregarding those troublesome speedbumps you may happen to come across, such as hills, and Vectras. I would have expected treads, but I think they were going more for “humvee” rather than “tank.” Let’s see… armaments. Standard kit includes coaxial-mounted machine guns, as well as a 155 millimeter cannon… which I’ve just realized completely discredits my previous claim of it not being a tank. *large smile* Great!

    Another vehicle is seen entering in the background.

    Clarkson: I’ve also got a set of thrusters, in case I happen upon an obstacle I can’t just… run over… *trails off*

    Clarkson is now facing the oncoming vehicle.

    May (VO): It was then that I decided to show up, in something a little different.

    The vehicle, now close enough to be seen as a Grizzly, continues its advance.

    Clarkson: …It’s a bus. What? Why? Who in their right mind would choose that…

    The Grizzly slows to a stop next to the Mako, and May climbs out.

    Clarkson: Of course. Nevermind.

    May approaches Clarkson

    May: Well, how bout it?

    Clarkson: May, is that what I think it is?

    May: Yes, the M29 Infantry Fighting Vehicle, or the Grizzly if you’re hip. It’s-

    Clarkson (interrupts): It’s old and decrepit, is what it is. You’ve gone and chosen something so ancient, you might as well’ve come up riding a dinosaur.

    May: It’s tried and true, proven itself over 30 years in the field. It is in no way even close to being extinct. There’s still a lot of life left in this series.

    Clarkson: It’s a precursor to mine, James. A precursor. Without knowing anything else I already know it won’t be any good.

    May (VO): Whilst Clarkson was busy haranguing my choice of IFV, Hammond arrived on the scene.

    Zoom in on a Hammerhead entering the area.

    Cut back to both presenters, now staring at it. Clarkson starts waving his arms. May raises an eyebrow.

    Clarkson: No, no! What’s he done! How could he…

    The Hammerhead stops and Hammond exits.

    Clarkson: Hammond! You’ve done it all wrong! That’s a speeder! Where are your wheels?

    Hammond: It’s all fair and square. This is still an IFV. *to camera* The M44 Hammerhead. *to Clarkson* You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first.

    May: Now hang on, Jezza’s got a point. Hovering does give you a certain advantage…

    As the three argue, a man in a lab coat comes up and hands an envelope to Clarkson.

    May (VO): While we were calmly discussing the merits of our respective vehicles, our first challenge was delivered.

    Clarkson, Hammond, and May hover around the letter.

    Clarkson (reading directly from the paper): “Infantry Fighting Vehicles are, by design, meant to aid ground troops. This is done today by hot-dropping the vehicle, with its complement of soldiers, into the designated theatre. In order to do that, however, the IFV first needs to actually be onboard a ship. You’re job is to successfully load your vehicles onto the frigate Ain Jalut in preparation for transport to another planet.” Yes! *pumps a fist* This is exactly what the Mako was designed for!

    Hammond: Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t actually see any spaceships anywhere… Are you sure this is the right port?

    A ship drops in from the sky and lands behind them, causing a whoosh of air and dust to fly over the three.

    May (wiping his face): I would venture a guess that yes, it is.

    Close in on the frigate. Its back end is lowered, exposing the entrance into the cargo hold. Clarkson, Hammond, and May walk up and take a look inside.

    Clarkson: Hmm, doesn’t seem that spacious… Are we supposed to get all three of them in here?

    May: Yes, yes, we’ll be fine.

    Cut back to the Mako, Clarkson is climbing in.

    Cut to shot of Clarkson in the cockpit.

    Clarkson: I’m honestly not sure if we’ll all fit in the hold. *turns to camera* Good thing I volunteered to go first.

    Outside view, the Mako enters the cargo hold easily, taking a spot at the rear. Clarkson exits and walks back to the others.

    Clarkson: Not much of a challenge. Do they really expect us to have any trouble with this?

    Hammond: Right, I’m next.

    Hammond enters the Hammerhead, once again easily making it into the ship.

    Cut back to May.

    May: Seems like everything is going well. Plenty of room, as I thought. Shouldn’t have any problems.

    Shot of the Grizzly approaching the Ain Jalut.

    May (VO): Unfortunately, a problem did become readily apparent.

    The Grizzly is stopped with its front end up to the antenna inside the frigate. Zoom in on the antenna, showing it’s too tall to fit.

    Cut to shot of Hammond and Clarkson laughing.

    Cut back to May inside.

    May: Wasn’t expecting that. No worries, though. I can handle this.

    Outside view of the Grizzly backing away from the frigate. May climbs out.

    May (calling to Hammond and Clarkson): Chaps, help me out with this. I’m going to remove the aerial.

    Hammond and Clarkson walk up, still snickering.

    Clarkson: No, you can’t just go and change things about your bus if you don’t like them. It’s against the rules. Give it up, you’ve lost this one.

    Hammond: Actually, it’s not in the rules.

    May: And even if it was, this is a standard feature of the Grizzly, so it would still be legal.

    Clarkson (looking mock-downcast): Really? Damn.

    May: Shut it you berk, and give me a hand already.

    Clarkson: Fine. Someone get me a hammer.

    Fast-forward montage of the three disassembling the antenna and taking it somewhere off screen.

    Cut to the Grizzly running, Hammond and Clarkson standing next to it.

    May (VO): After an application of some elbow grease, I was ready to try again.

    The Grizzly starts toward the Ain Jalut again.

    Clarkson: D’you know what Hammond, I think he’s forgotten something.

    Hammond (mock-wondering): Why whatever could you mean, Jeremy?

    Clarkson (staring at the Grizzly): Wait for it…

    Zoom on Grizzly reaching the ship. It starts to enter only to be abruptly halted as the turret runs into the top of the hold, making a loud and jarring “clang” noise.

    Cut to May inside Grizzly.

    May: Cock.

    Cut to Hammond and Clarkson, who are now doubled over laughing.

    Montage of Hammond, Clarkson, and May, with the help of the crew, removing the turret from the IFV.

    Cut to May in the Grizzly’s cockpit.

    May: Alright, I’ve looked over everything multiple times now, and there’s nothing else that stands out. I should make it this time.

    Shot out the windshield as May drives the Grizzly into the Ain Jalut’s cargo hold. It’s brought in far enough that the nose is just a few feet away from the elevator’s entrance. To the left can be seen the Hammerhead, to the right the Mako.

    Cut back to outside view. Hammond looks close to passing out from laughing. Clarkson shakes his head in disgust and walks out of view.

    Zoom in to show the Grizzly’s back set of wheels still sticking out of the ship.

    May (off screen, still inside the Grizzly): There we are, knew there’d be enough room.

    Fade out.

    ***

    Shot of Hammond and Clarkson next to the Cool Wall, both holding pictures and microphones.

    Hammond (aside, to Clarkson): He did eventually get on though, right? I mean, we wouldn’t have much of a show if he didn’t…

    Clarkson (to camera): We’ll find out! …later. *to Hammond* For now, you’ll have to settle for the Cool Wall.

    Audience cheers.

    Hammond: First up, the new Porsche 911 Carrera I looked at earlier. *holds up pic* What do we think?

    Crowd shouts out suggestions. Pan over crowd as Hammond walks around. Zoom in as Hammond approaches one man.

    Hammond: How bout you? Where should it go?

    Man 1: Cool, definitely.

    Hammond holds the mic to another man next to the first.

    Man 2: Cool.

    Scene repeats twice more. Hammond returns to the wall.

    Hammond: General consensus is “cool.” I’ve got to agree, the Porsche is a cool car.

    Zoom as Hammond places the 911’s card in the Cool section.

    Cut to Clarkson shaking his head.

    Clarkson: No, sorry, that’s not it at all.

    Clarkson removes the Porsche card and moves it toward the Un Cool section. A slight pause, then he continues down to the Seriously Un Cool group, where he places the card.

    Hammond: What? No Jeremy, you can’t mean that. It’s cool!

    Hammond snatches the picture and puts it back in the Cool section, only for Clarkson to once again remove it immediately.

    Clarkson: No it’s not, and I’ll give you two good reasons. One, it’s a car made in the year 2185 that could easily be driven around in 2011, no one able to tell it doesn’t belong. Two, well, it’s a Porsche 911.

    Clarkson places the Porsche card up at the very top of the wall where Hammond can’t reach. Audience laughs. Hammond looks fed up.

    Clarkson: It’s seriously un cool, and that’s that. Next up, the motorcar’s own personal herald of death, the X3M speeder/shuttle. Used on practically all civilized planets throughout the galaxy as the main form of personal transportation. *holds up card*

    Audience gives their input. Lots of “cool,” some “un cool.” One can be heard over the others saying “sub zero.” Clarkson approaches this man and sticks the mic in his face.

    Clarkson: You. Why sub zero?

    Man 3: Well, it’s a flying car, innit?

    Cut to Hammond pointing at the man. Clarkson walks back to the wall nodding.

    Clarkson: Yes. He has the right of it. Disregarding everything else, disregarding that the X3M may very well spell the end of standard motoring as we know it… at the end of the day it’s still a flying car.

    Clarkson moves toward Sub Zero and continues on, placing the speeder’s card in the mini fridge.

    Clarkson: I was going to say sub zero, but I just can’t bring myself to put a flying car any lower than the highly selective Aston Martin super-cool fridge.

    Hammond: Completely agree there. Nowhere else it could go. Now we have… *looks at card, makes a face* Oh, right. I forgot we were doing these. For some reason, *cough*producers-brownnosing*cough* we’ve been told to add our IFVs to the Cool Wall.

    Crowd laughs/boos.

    Hammond: Alright, first among them is Jeremy’s choice, the M35 Mako.

    Clarkson: And really, there’s only one place it can go.

    Hammond places the Mako’s card in the Cool section.

    Clarkson: We both agree. As I mentioned earlier, the Mako is kind of like driving the unholy offspring of a humvee and a tank. *Looks at camera* And that’s a good thing.

    Hammond: Now, mine. The M44 Hammerhead. Any ideas?

    Crowd shouts out mainly “cool” and “sub zero.” Hammond cringes.

    Hammond: Actually, no matter how much I may’ve liked this, it’s just not cool.

    M44 card is placed in Un Cool section.

    Clarkson: And I’ll tell you why. It’s got no wheels. Now, I know what you’re going to say, neither did the X3M. But the difference is, that was a flying car; therefore cool. This, well, this isn’t. If we had a separate wall for things-that-don’t-have-wheels, then I’d consider bumping it up. *pauses, contemplating* Hmm… have to think about that… Anyway, the last. James’s old timer, the M29 Grizzly.

    Clarkson walks into the crowd. Zoom in on the woman he approaches.

    Clarkson: Haven’t had the fairer sex’s opinion yet. M29, what d’you think?

    Woman (nodding): Un cool.

    Clarkson walks over to a man nearby and holds the mic up.

    Clarkson: And you?

    Man 4: Seriously un cool.

    Clarkson walks back to Cool Wall.

    Clarkson: Anyone else?

    More “un cools” are thrown out, as well as a few “seriously un cools.”

    Clarkson: And you’re all wrong. The Grizzly is cool.

    Clarkson sticks the card on the wall. Hammond looks like he can’t believe it.

    Hammond: What? No. How’d you come to that conclusion?

    Clarkson: Simple. If you’re in a Grizzly and you’re driving along, and suddenly “Oops, looks like a jam!” Well, you don’t have to worry about stopping. The sheer size of the wheels will let you drive right over the other cars. You’ll barely notice them.

    Hammond: But, if you’re driving a Grizzly, it’s not too likely you’ll be caught in traffic jams, is it? In fact, I can hardly think of any time you’ll be near other cars, let alone need to drive over them.

    Clarkson: No, but it’s nice to know you can. And so it’s cool.

    Hammond (rolls eyes): Fair enough.

    Cut to May sitting down at the news stage.

    May: Right, the news. We’ve received word from the makers of the X3M that they’re going to come out with a new model sometime in the next year, inventively called the X4M.

    Clarkson and Hammond come into view and sit down in their respective spots.

    May: We’ve got a picture of it here. *Looks to screen*

    A speeder that looks near exactly the same as the X3M comes up.

    Clarkson: …Well, I suppose they’re as unimaginative at design as they are with names.

    May: This one time I’m forced to agree with Clarkson. I’ve seen the numbers, and there isn’t really a difference to speak of between the two. In fact, if you look closely you’ll notice the only change: They’ve added a pair of stubby wings to each side.

    Zoom in as May points them out on the screen. Even at zoom, they’re barely noticeable.

    May: I was told they were added to-

    Hammond (incredulously): I’m sorry, but are you serious? A new model of the galaxy’s most popular shuttle and all we get are two sets of microscopic wings that can’t possibly have any purpose?

    May: Well, supposedly they help with stabilization…

    Hammond: …Right. Anyway, the ET3. You’ve probably seen them around; they’re popular for use in civilian transportation around colonies and the like.

    A picture comes up on the screen.

    Clarkson (mutters): Just a box with wheels…

    Hammond: Yes, well then, you’ll be excited to know Clarkson, that it’s been decided to start phasing them out of use.

    Clarkson: Really? Long past time, honestly. I mean, they’ve been around what, since humankind crawled out of the muck? That’s almost as long as the Porsche 911. What’re they replacing it with?

    Hammond: Well, we’ve not been given much information actually. Just the name.

    May: Wait, no, let me guess…

    Clarkson, Hammond, May: The ET4.

    Clarkson: Of course. Why not? Now, I bet you’re wondering why none of us chose the M080 for our Infantry Fighting Vehicle challenge.

    M080 is shown on screen.

    Clarkson: It’s sort of a cross between the Grizzly and the Mako, ok? And, well, no other way to put this, but quite frankly that’s why we didn’t choose it. If you want the sort of “large and in charge” feel that the M080 doesn’t quite give off, go with the Grizzly. If you want to be able to fit in those tight spots without losing your combat capabilities you pick the Mako. There’s really no need for middle ground, ok? Even Hammond agrees. In fact, he quite possibly hated it more than the rest of us, hence him choosing something without wheels just to spite it.

    Hammond (nodding): It’s true.

    Clarkson: No matter that, the producers said, we had to test it anyway. Coincidentally each of us happened to be sick on that day, so for lack of anything else to do they gave it to the Stig.

    Cut to outside, Top Gear test track. The M080 is parked at the starting line. The Stig walks up and enters the vehicle.

    Cut to inside the M080. The Stig reaches to start the vehicle.

    Cut outside. The M080 explodes in a large fireball.

    Back to inside studio, the presenters collectively wince as they watch the explosion on the screen. The Stig climbs from the wreckage before the screen goes black.

    May: And there you have the other reason we didn’t want one of those.

    Clarkson: Yes, you can never tell when they’ll just blow up for no apparent reason, killing you and anyone else in the immediate area. Now earlier, if you’ll remember, James had a bit of a problem whilst loading his IFV onto our transport frigate.

    May: But don’t worry, everything worked out in the end.

    Clarkson: Yes it did, amazingly. Now we’ll pick up at our first destination, the distant moon of Montagna, where we received our next challenge.

    Scene is outside. Hammond, Clarkson, and May are standing next to their vehicles on the only spot of flat ground in sight. The landscape, as far as can be seen in any direction, is one large rugged mountain range. Hammond takes the challenge from a crew member.

    Hammond: “A good Infantry Fighting Vehicle needs to be able to handle all sorts of terrain, since you never know where you’ll be dropped next. Accordingly, this challenge is meant to test how well your IFVs handle one of the most common obstacles around the galaxy. Your goal is to be the first to drive your vehicle from here to the highest point of this mountain range.”

    Clarkson: Wait. You’re telling me we’re supposed to actually race from here to the top of that mountain? *points at the tallest mountain*

    May: Sounds like it.

    Clarkson: Starting when? Now?

    The presenters glance between each other before rushing to their respective vehicle.

    Clarkson (VO): Indeed, this challenge required us to navigate to the summit of the tallest of these distressingly steep and craggy looking mountains. Luckily, it happened to be the one right in front of us.

    Close on the Mako as it heads directly for the mountain.

    Clarkson (VO): I decided the best way to get there… was in a straight line.

    Cut to inside of Mako.

    Clarkson: I’m set up well for this. The Mako has the ability to handle the bumps and grade of the mountain, which already puts me ahead of Hammond. I don’t think he’ll be able to go straight at it like I am. He won’t be able to get the… well, traction I suppose, what with the combination of rough spots and incline here. Plus, you know, this driving up a mountain thing is old hat for me. I should have it in the bag.

    The Mako reaches the mountain and starts upwards. The bumpy terrain causes Clarkson to bounce around in his restraints.

    Clarkson (muffled): Oomph! Although the suspension… could be better. Don’t get me wrong, it can handle everything, but I don’t fancy losing my lunch while driving either.

    Cut to the Grizzly. It too is heading right for the mountain.

    Cut to inside of Grizzly.

    May: I think Clarkson’s got the right idea for this one. I should have enough grip and suspension to make the climb directly as well.

    Outside view, the Grizzly approaches the mountain at speed. However, it’s too steep. The Grizzly’s nose smashes into the side of the mountain; the wheels can’t even reach to start the climb.

    Inside of the Grizzly. May is thrown forward.

    May: Bloody Nora!

    The Hammerhead is circling around to a small group of hills/mountains that conveniently have a gradual increase in height, leading up to the finish.

    Cut to inside of Hammerhead. Hammond has noticed May’s misfortune.

    Hammond: Oooh! That’s not gone well. *into radio* Jeremy, James seems to have had a crash.

    Inside of Mako. Clarkson is still being tossed about. His lines are being shown in subtitles due to sound problems.

    Clarkson (muffled): Is that what that was? I could feel that from in here!

    The Mako goes over a particularly hard bump. Clarkson’s helmet smashes into the camera.

    Cut to outside of Mako. It’s about a quarter of the way up.

    Cut to Hammerhead. It’s using the thrusters to jump from one hill to the next in a steady climb.

    Inside of Hammerhead. Hammond is going up and down along with his jumps.

    Hammond: I’ve found what I think is the best way up. The way the Hammerhead’s designed, I can’t make the direct climb like Jeremy and James are… well, I should say like Clarkson is doing and like James failed… but if I can get up enough speed I can keep using my jumps until I’m close to the top.

    Hammond’s helmet brushes the roof.

    Hammond: That was close. Times like this I'm thankful I'm not Clarkson. *pauses* Well, all times, really.

    Cut back to Grizzly. It’s backed away from the mountain and is heading towards an area with a more gradual incline.

    Clarkson (VO): James. On the other hand, hadn’t even begun yet.

    Interior of Grizzly.

    May: That was a setback, I’ll admit, but I can still win this. I’ve located an easier climb. It’s a bit longer, yes, but I’ll be able to go faster than Clarkson due to the lower grade.

    Clarkson (VO): It was then that I ran into a small problem.

    Cut to Mako. It’s stalled about halfway up the mountain. The wheels are spinning but it’s stuck against a rock pushing out at exactly the wrong spot.

    Inside of Mako.

    Clarkson: Right, I’ll just tap the jump jets for a second… *pushes button*

    Outside view. The Mako’s thrusters push it off the mountain and it slides back down to the bottom.

    Clarkson: No! Damn and blast!

    Inside of Grizzly. May is laughing.

    Cut to interior of Hammerhead. Hammond is laughing as well.

    Hammond (into radio): Well done Jeremy, you’ve done the complete opposite of what we were told. *snickers*

    Hammond sets the radio down.

    Hammond (pleased): I’m well in the lead now. Jeremy has to start again and James, well, isn’t fast.

    Clarkson (VO): I had a cunning plan to make up for my mishap, though.

    Cut to inside of Mako.

    Clarkson: Look at Hammond, thinking he’s got all won. Well I’ve got a surprise for him.

    Outside. The Mako’s turret swings around to aim at the next hill the Hammerhead is going to land on.

    Clarkson (VO): Strictly speaking, we weren’t supposed to have any load in our weapons yet. I knew for a fact that Hammond and May didn’t. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel like following that rule.

    The 155mm cannon fires, destroying the hill that Hammond was aiming for. The Hammerhead drops back down to the bottom as well.

    Cut to inside of Hammerhead. Hammond is thrown about as it hits the ground.

    Hammond: What the hell?! Did he just fire his cannon?! He can’t do that!

    Cut to Mako.

    Clarkson: Hoho! Take that, Hamster!

    The Mako is starting back up the mountain, on a slightly different route.

    Clarkson (VO): I quickly started the climb again, so I’d be out of reach for any revenge Richard could come up with.

    Cut to inside of Grizzly.

    May (into radio): Hammond, did he just fire his gun?

    Inside of Hammerhead.

    Hammond (into radio): Yes! It’s cheating! He cheated! It’s not even supposed to have any ammunition yet!

    Cut to Grizzly.

    May (into radio): So you’re saying he discharged his weapon at you. *slight grin*

    Back to Hammerhead.

    Hammond (into radio): *narrows eyes* Yes…

    May (over Hammond’s radio): Shot his load-

    Hammond (into radio): Yes, yes, I get it already. *slams radio down*

    Cut to May chuckling.

    Cut to Hammerhead starting its hill hopping again, slightly faster this time.

    Hammond: I’ll have to take this carefully now. I need to go faster than before, but I still need to be able to judge where to land so I can keep on without having to reorient myself and waste valuable time.

    Cut to Grizzly.

    May: I’m still liking how this is going. Hammond looks like he’s getting a bit reckless, and Clarkson… probably won’t be able to sit down for a while after this. *into radio* How’s the ride quality over there, Clarkson? *laughs*

    Inside of Mako.

    Clarkson (muffled, subtitled): Good. Great! I’ve never had a ride as smooth as this!

    Clarkson’s head hits the side of the Mako on a bounce.

    Clarkson: *unintelligible*

    Aerial view circling mountain. The Mako can be seen approaching the top, the Grizzly near as well, and the Hammerhead a fair distance away.

    Clarkson (VO): After a good bit of time, the end was in sight. Hammond was well and truly out of it, after taking one too many pitfalls. It was now a race between me… and Captain Slow.

    Cut to May looking focused inside the Grizzly.

    May: This is it now. Me and Clarkson. Down to the wire. I’ve got the easier route. I think I can take him.

    Aerial view. Both IFVs are now at the summit, racing towards a ribbon strung out between two poles. The Grizzly is two car lengths ahead of the Mako.

    Cut to inside of Grizzly.

    May (excited): Yes! I’m going to win something! *into radio* Eat my dust, Jezza!

    Mako interior.

    Clarkson (mutters): I don’t think so, Slow.

    Clarkson fiddles with a few controls and presses a button.

    Outside. The Mako’s cannon fires at the Grizzly. It hits at the exact spot where the rear right wheel connects to the chassis, causing it to fly off. The Grizzly spins wildly to a stop as the Mako crosses the finish line.

    Fade out.

    Fade in to Top Gear studio. Clarkson and May are standing next to the Hilux. May’s arms are crossed.

    May (flatly): You tried to kill me.

    Clarkson: Yes, well, obviously I failed. Good news though, I won the challenge!

    Hammond walks up.

    Hammond: By cheating! I’d’ve had the clear victory if you hadn’t sabotaged my route.

    May: And so would I, if you hadn’t blown up my ride. So if you win anything, it’s only by default.

    Zoom on Clarkson.

    Clarkson: Yes, well, sore losing aside, it is now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. *walks to news stage* My guest tonight is, well, if you go by how well known a person is, is probably the most famous person we’ve ever had on the show. She’s known basically throughout the entire galaxy as someone you’d like to have with you in a rough spot. So, ladies and gentlemen, on loan from the Systems Alliance and the Spectres, Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard!

    Audience applauds. Shepard enters from the side and meets Clarkson on the stage, where they shake hands.

    Clarkson: I’ve got to say, I can’t believe you’re here. It’s such an honor.

    Both sit down.

    Shepard: Well, you know, I actually love this show. They have old episodes on the extranet, and whenever I get some free time I like to watch one or two.

    Clarkson: In between righting wrongs, fighting for your life, saving the galaxy…

    Shepard: Yeah, like I said, free time. *grins* So when I heard you were actually going to be here there was no way I could miss the opportunity.

    Clarkson: Oh come on, you’ve done nearly everything in the galaxy, and our pokey little motoring show is what you do for fun?

    Shepard: I’m totally serious. Even I can’t be out shooting up “baddies” all the time. There are times I need to just relax. Not to mention, I have an uncle who is actually a part-owner of Ford. He got me a sweet deal on a new GT.

    Clarkson (intrigued): Really? How’s it go? I’ve not seen the papers for this year’s model yet, obviously.

    Shepard: Oh, great. I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a reconstruction of the Nürburgring on Terra Nova. I took the GT around that a while ago and clocked in a pretty decent time, if I do say so myself.

    Clarkson (impatient): And…?

    Shepard: I did it at… 15 minutes and 10 seconds.

    Clarkson: …What?

    Shepard (smiling): Yeah, I forgot to mention when they were building it for some reason they decided to make it longer than the original. Don’t ask me why, I don’t get it either. The GT handled great though.

    Clarkson (to camera): And on that bombshell… *looks back to Shepard* Now, the producers strictly forbid me to ask this next question, but this is Top Gear! Nothing is sacred here!

    Shepard: Hit me.

    Clarkson: Right. What’s it like being dead?

    Shepard: Ah, I was expecting this, actually.

    Clarkson: I should hope so, you are the first person to come back from the dead after all. Well, besides the obvious of course.

    Camera shifts for a second to an audience member in the background with long brown hair and a beard before focusing back on the stage.

    Shepard: I’m going to have to disappoint you here, Jeremy. I don’t really remember all that much.

    Clarkson: No white light, no warm fuzzy feelings…?

    Shepard: Now that you mention it, I do remember some very extreme heat… *chuckles*

    Clarkson: There you are then, another first for Top Gear. We’ve just proved the legitimacy of Christianity. For all you watching this from the past, I expect all religious wars to end by the start of next month. You can send your thank you cards to “I’m Going to Hell,” BBC, Top Gear, Wood Lane.

    Top Gear address is shown on screen.

    Cut back to Clarkson.

    Clarkson: And that’s just one of the impossible things you’ve done. I mean, just a bit ago you actually traversed the Omega 4 mass relay and came back relatively unscathed! That’s unheard of. I have to ask, what’s on the other side? What makes it so dangerous?

    Shepard: Heh. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to say. Right after you come out, you’re immediately thrown into a debris field. As far as you can see, space junk everywhere. Our pilot had to pull some fancy moves, especially considering he was basically improvising it all. No flight paths, no anything. Just right there I probably used up another 5 of my lives.

    Clarkson: Mmm, I can imagine. What else? That can’t be it.

    Shepard: There used to be a space station there as well, belonging to the Collectors.

    Clarkson (smiling): “Used to be.” Bet you had something to do with that, then?

    Shepard: Oh yeah, it blew up real nice.

    Shepard leans back with a Cheshire Cat grin.

    Clarkson: Right, now I’m supposed to ask you about your cars, but to be honest you haven’t really owned that many, have you?

    Shepard: Yeah, I mean, I like them, but it’s just I spend most of my time out in space. I don’t have too many opportunities to drive. The GT is probably the best, though.

    Clarkson (reading a paper): Oh yes, by far. I’m actually looking at a list here, and one of these is just… how is… what in the world is a Morris Marina doing on this list? I simply can’t believe they still exist.

    Shepard: Oh god, yeah. I actually came across that a few years ago. Pure luck, actually. I was back on Earth for a while and saw it at an antique dealer. Being a fan of the show, there was no way I could pass it up.

    Clarkson: What did you pay for it, if you don’t mind my asking?

    Shepard: I worked it out to be the equivalent of £10,000.

    Clarkson: ’s too much.

    Shepard: You were going to say that no matter how much I paid, weren’t you?

    Clarkson (shifty): …Well, yes. It’s a Morris Marina! All joking aside, you actually brought it here with you. Not sure that was the best of ideas, but it occurs to us that we’ve never had a lap done by one.

    Clarkson and Shepard both turn to the screen, where the Marina is on the starting line of the track.

    Cut to Stig exiting a building.

    Wide angle of Stig getting into the Marina. As soon as the door is shut a piano falls from the sky and crashes directly on top of the Marina. Amazingly, the Marina is completely fine. No damage has been done to it.

    Cut back to studio.

    Shepard: I had some work done on it.

    Back to test track. The Stig exits the car and pushes the piano off before reentering. The moment the door closes an X3M falls out of nowhere and completely crushes the car.

    Zoom in on the X3M’s logo, which reads “Careless Airways.” Fade out as Stig crawls out from underneath.

    Cut back to studio. Audience is cheering. Shepard is shaking her head with a small grin.

    Clarkson (solemnly): These things happen. Bad luck is all.

    Shepard: You know I felt a strange sense of foreboding when I left it out there.

    Clarkson: Can’t imagine why. Anyway, your lap. Luckily enough we were able to bring the C apostrophe D along with us; what did you think of it, by the way?

    Shepard: Good little car, for what it was. *grins* Held its age well. Still prefer the GT of course, but it wasn’t bad. Took corners pretty well.

    Clarkson: Yes, we have some film here of just how well it cornered…

    Shepard (resigned): Oh great, here we go.

    Cut to track. The Cee’d is coming into the final corner at a high speed. Shepard attempts the turn but gets massive understeer, causing the car to shoot straight off the track.

    Cut to inside of Cee’d.

    Shepard: Damn! *hits steering wheel*

    Cut to studio. Audience is laughing.

    Clarkson: It’s actually better than it looks though; that was the only big mistake you made out there.

    Shepard: I was really kind of surprised. Everything was going great til then, and I wasn’t expecting that at all.

    Clarkson: Ok, should we show your lap? *to audience* Who wants to see her lap?

    Audience cheers.

    Clarkson: Ok, play the tape! *nods to screen*

    Cut to Top Gear Test Track. The Cee’d is idling on the staring line.

    Cut to inside or car. Shepard has a look of concentration on her face.

    Outside. The Cee’d pulls away from the line with excellent grip and speed.

    Clarkson (VO): Ooh, good start there. Haven’t seen a better one in a while.

    The Cee’d passes the first corner.

    Clarkson (VO): Coming up to Chicago. Everything going well so far.

    Inside of car. Shepard steers through Chicago with no problems.

    Clarkson (VO): Hammerhead is next. Widely known as the most difficult curve on the track; let’s see how you handled it.

    Outside. The Cee’d enters the Hammerhead clean and exits with a hint of understeer, straying a bit outside the lines.

    Clarkson (VO): Nearly stayed in the lines there, still very good. How’d it feel through there?

    Shepard (VO): I thought it felt fine. Not like the car was fighting me or anything. Could have done better though.

    Clarkson (VO): Yes… if you were a racing driver. Approaching the Follow-Through now.

    The Cee’d hurtles down the track at a high speed, causing the camera to wobble as it blows past the tires.

    Clarkson (VO): God that’s quick. You had to be flat out through there.

    Shepard (VO): Oh yeah, no chance I was letting up.

    Interior of car. Shepard turns the wheel, passing through the penultimate bend.

    Clarkson (VO): Only Gambon left now…

    Outside. The Cee’d clips the corner a bit, but stays on all four wheels.

    Clarkson (VO): And there we are across the line!

    Cut to inside of studio. Audience is cheering madly. Clarkson is holding the paper with Shepard’s time.

    Clarkson: Nobody likes that final corner. At least you weren’t killed though, unlike Tom Cruise. Imagine the headlines if that were to happen. *shudders* I think we’d all be murdered in our sleep. Anyway, your time. Now, where do you think you’ve come?

    Shepard (stares at ranking board): Hmm, you know I don’t actually know who most of these people are-

    Clarkson (interrupting): Understandable, since they’ve all been dead for years now.

    Shepard (continuing): But of course I want the top spot. Probably futile, though.

    Clarkson: Yes, unfortunately. But maybe not by as much as you’d think. Jane Shepard. You did it in… One. *pauses*

    Shepard (leans forward): Yes, and…?

    Clarkson (smiles): Even a Spectre leans. *looks at time* One… forty… four point seven! Only a half second off the leader!

    Clarkson stands and puts the time up between Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Shepard pumps a fist. Audience cheers again.

    Clarkson: One last thing before you go. *holds up a tape recorder* Do you think you could…

    Shepard (shakes head with a grin): I suppose. *takes recorder* “I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite show on television.” *gives recorder back to Clarkson*

    Clarkson: It’s been an absolute pleasure having you here, I can’t even tell you. Ladies and gentlemen, Commander Shepard!

    ***

    Snipped




    And that's it for the moment. That last little bit starting the next scene is the only new part so far.
    Last edited by Spooky; April 19th, 2012 at 12:17 AM.

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    More than a feeling... Spooky's Avatar
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    I cut the last part of my previous post, since now that I've finished that scene it fits better here.




    Cut to May and Hammond standing next to the Porsche.

    May: Right, when last we left off Clarkson had cheated his way to the top of a mountain.

    Hammond: And we couldn’t leave it at that, so let’s get on with it.

    Fade to large garage-like area. The IFVs are lined up side by side, facing the open exit door. Clarkson, Hammond, and May are standing behind them.

    May (VO): Our next challenge led us to the Feros Skyway, which was brought to our attention by none other than Jane Shepard herself.

    The presenters are once again crowded around a challenge envelope which Hammond is holding.

    Hammond (from paper): “You are now on top of the Feros Skyway, which Commander Shepard drove a Mako down amidst hails of fire on her mission to stop a rogue Spectre two years ago. The Stig will now take each of your vehicles on a recreation of that trip.”

    Clarkson: A recreation… is that including the “hails of fire?”

    Aerial shot going through the Skyway. What appear to be multiple gun emplacements dot the path.

    May (VO): It was. Of course, they weren’t using live weapons, but a very highly advanced form… of paintball gun.

    Cut to Stig entering Mako, the three presenters watching on.

    May: Am I to assume then, that the winner of this challenge is the one with the least paint and shortest time?

    Hammond (glancing at paper): Yeah, sort of a combination of both. An average thing.

    Clarkson (smugly): Listen boys, you don’t stand a chance here. Remind me again what was it that originally did this?

    May and Hammond roll their eyes.

    Clarkson (continuing): Oh that’s right, it was the Mako. Handled it then, under much more dangerous conditions, and it’ll easily take this one as well.

    Cut to Stig pulling out in the Mako. The three huddle around a large viewing screen following the Stig from above.

    Clarkson (VO): Yes, I had all the confidence in the world in my vehicle of choice. And the Stig. Both of them together, it would hardly even be a contest. Hammond agreed.

    Shot of Hammond, shaking his head.

    Hammond: But last time it wasn’t even a competition, no time limit or anything. And remember, Commander Shepard stopped multiple times along the way.

    Pan to Clarkson.

    Clarkson: *waves hand dismissively* Minor details.

    Clarkson (VO): In fact, the Stig was having such an easy time of it that he’d started to show off.

    Stig traverses the Skyway at speed, powersliding around turrets. All the while streaks of paint can be seen flying at the Mako. The IFV’s tail slides out constantly even around the softest turns. It’s clear that it’s not being done on purpose.

    Cut to interior of Mako, Stig roughly fighting the wheel.

    Cut to Clarkson’s face. He’s fighting a grimace.


    Clarkson: C’mon Stiggy…

    Back to Skyway. Stig is nearing the finish. The only thing remaining between the Mako and the garage at the end is a wall of caravans.

    Inside Mako. Stig presses a button.

    Outside. The Mako’s thrusters activate and it jumps over the caravans at an angle, landing violently and flipping end over end into the garage. It finally lands wheels down and Stig nonchalantly exits.

    Fade to presenters in starting garage, Clarkson receiving a paper from another assistant in a lab coat.


    May: Alright then, what’s the results?

    Clarkson: *holds the paper up* This will be the time to beat, gentlemen.

    Hammond: Yeah, seeing as it’s the only time so far. I will notice though that you’ve picked up quite a lot of paint on your Mako…

    Quick cut showing Mako splattered with multi-colored paint, its original colors still visible underneath.

    Immediate cut back to garage.


    Clarkson: Well yes, we all knew there would be some paint on it. But that doesn’t matter, because the time it did it in is… two minutes twenty five seconds! An astonishing time, that. *nods*

    May (VO): So he said. But it was the Grizzly’s turn next.

    Pan to Grizzly. Stig enters.

    Hammond: Hold on a minute, how did he get back here so quick?

    Clarkson: *to camera* Some say he has the power of teleportation.

    Grizzly pulls out of the garage.

    Clarkson: May, you don’t have a hope in hell here. Your dinosaur’s top speed is nowhere near the Mako’s. It’ll take two minutes just to reach the first turrets!

    May (VO): As much as I loathed admitting it, Clarkson did have a point here. The Mako was capable of faster speeds than the Grizzly. However, the Grizzly had something else up its sleeve…

    Aerial view of Skyway. Stig heads straight for a turret, not even slightly altering direction.

    Interior of
    Grizzly, paint splashes against the windscreen. Stig flips a switch and window wipers start.

    Cut to presenters watching the screen as the Grizzly plows right through the turret, barely even slowing down. Clarkson makes a face, Hammond raises an eyebrow, May grins perkily.


    May: You know, you’re right Clarkson. You do have the speed, but the Stig spent more time slipping and sliding out there then we did on the ice a few years ago. Whereas in the Grizzly, he’ll be able to actually drive where he wants to go. The results should be obvious.

    Hammond (aside, to Clarkson): He may have a point there, Jeremy.

    Clarkson (quietly to Hammond): Yes, the handling is, quite frankly, horrendous. *louder, to May* Oh please, what a load of-

    Abrupt cut to interior of Grizzly as Stig crashes through yet another paintball gun emplacement. Stig isn’t fazed.

    May (VO): Stig was nearing the end now, only one obstacle left.

    Grizzly approaches the caravans.

    Cut to inside. Stig yanks the wheel.

    Outside. The Grizzly spins sideways, smashing through the entire wall of caravans and sliding into the garage. The entire front and sides are covered in a thick coat of paint.

    Cut to presenters.


    Clarkson: Now why couldn’t he have done that with the Mako?

    May (deadpan): Quite simple really. Yours wasn’t long enough.

    May receives his time.

    May: And he’s done it in two minutes seventeen!

    Clarkson snatches the paper out of May’s hand and closely inspects it before throwing it down, where Hammond picks it up.

    Hammond: Ohoho! He’s right! The old fossil was faster!

    Clarkson: Oh do shut up, Hammond. You can barely tell it’s the same bus through all the after-market work that’s just been done on it. Besides, it’s your turn next. *pauses* Well, after the repair crews come in and fix up May’s mess.

    Fade out to Black screen with the words “Many days later.”

    Fade in to exact same shot as before fade.


    Hammond: *rubs hands* Now, haha, now you’ll see what speed really is.

    Clarkson and May mock Hammond behind his back, immediately stopping when Hammond turns around and looks at them. In the background, the Hammerhead speeds off.

    Hammond (VO): I was anticipating a good time here. The Hammerhead was by far the fastest, and that wasn’t even counting the use of its boost.

    Low view as Hammerhead speeds down the Skyway, strafing to the side of a turret.

    Cut to presenters.


    Hammond: Yes! Look at that, Stig just breezes by those turrets. *notices something* Here it comes, he’s going to engage the boost! Prepare to cry-

    Clarkson (interrupts): Boost? You didn’t mention that before. Neither of us had boost. I think we should institute a new rule, May, that if the Stig uses boost in any IFV it adds a minute onto the time.

    Hammond: Steady on…

    May: No, I think he’s right. Sounds like a good rule to me, Jezza.

    Hammond: Alright, well, even with that setback, he’ll still be able to beat your times! Watch and learn.

    All three focus on the screen.

    Aerial shot as Hammerhead shoots forward at insane speeds. Stig strafes to the left to avoid paintball fire but his speed’s too high and the Hammerhead shoots off the Skyway into the atmosphere.

    Cut to presenters, each wearing an expression of wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock as they watch it plummet through the open air.

    Cut to Feros, ground level. The Hammerhead is a flaming wreckage, completely unrecognizable. Zoom and fade out as the Stig’s helmet rolls out of the fire and off the screen.
    Last edited by Spooky; April 20th, 2012 at 02:51 PM.

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    Fade to studio. Clarkson is wearing a sad face.

    Clarkson: Yes, after literally seconds of digging through the rubbish, we were forced to declare the Stig dead.

    Clarkson looks down in mourning for a few seconds before looking back up. He’s clearly over it.

    Clarkson: *claps hands together* Anyway-

    Hammond walks on screen.

    Hammond: Now wait a minute, we’ve already seen the Stig here since we filmed that. He was out earlier in the Marina!

    Clarkson: No, see you’re wrong. That was shown before this, therefore he was alive then.

    May: *strolls up to Hammond* Once more, Jeremy’s got the right of it. And I think I’ve said that more times tonight then all the rest of me life combined. Clearly Hammond, what you saw earlier was an optical illusion.

    Audience laughs. Hammond looks about to protest before Clarkson approaches and whispers something in his ear.

    Hammond: Oh… oh! Right, I was completely in the wrong there. Stig is dead. I was making that other bit up.

    Clarkson: *nods and steps back* Now that we’ve got that sorted out, I want to talk about Porsche again. *pauses* Actually, no I don’t. Richard Hammond, on the other hand…

    Close up of only Hammond.

    Hammond: You remember when I had the 911 out on the track, I couldn’t test the top speed since even with our runway we didn’t have enough distance. Well, with the help of our friends from Germany, we found a way ‘round that.

    Cut to aerial view circling a large track.

    Hammond (VO): The top secret Ehra-Lessien test track in Germany. Luckily, it hadn’t been touched over the last hundred years except to keep in pristine working order.

    Cut to scene of May inside the Veyron SuperSport, driving down the straightaway at 259 mph.

    Hammond (VO): This was the exact same spot where James and the Veyron had broken the previous record for fastest road car. Which was then thrown away roughly a minute later.

    Scene of May swearing at the test driver who broke his record.

    Hammond (VO): Now it was my turn at the title.

    Cut to Hammond in a racing outfit standing a few yards away from the 911 while technicians work with the car.

    Hammond: As you can see, the Porsche boffins are hard at work making sure I won’t be killed out there. *motions to car* They’re checking that everything’s set up just so, that their computers are hooked up so as to get the most accurate readings, and of course that all the bits and pieces work.

    A crackle and flash comes from the car. Hammond flinches.

    Hammond: Yep. Going to work out fine. Not worried a bit about traveling close to 300 miles per hour. Definitely not thinking about the last time I tried it.

    Fade to Porsche idling at the start of the track.

    Hammond (VO): If you’re a regular viewer you’ll know that before the straightaway there’s a sharp banked corner. In the Veyron, James had to go in at 125 miles per hour.

    Inside of 911. Hammond, now wearing a helmet, looks at the camera.

    Hammond: In order to get the best chance at making top speed, I’ve got to take it at near-as-makes-no-difference 200. *glances to the road and back* Must admit I’m slightly nervous about that.

    Shot through the windshield of a man giving the all clear.

    Hammond: *grips steering wheel* Right, here we go.

    Outside. The Porsche peels away amidst a cloud of smoke.

    Hammond (VO): The honor of the 911 was at stake here. I had to prove to Clarkson once and for all that it’s the best production car ever made, and I was going to do it in the only way he’d understand, the way of speed.

    The 911 enters the banking. Cut to interior of car.

    Hammond: *quickly glances at speedometer* 201! *grips the wheel tighter* God, this is exciting. Sorry I’m not making more of this, but I’ve got to concentrate at this part or I’ll end up splattered somewhere over there. *nods to the side*

    Cut to outside. The Porsche is nearing the end of the curve.

    Hammond (VO): Thankfully the straightaway was coming up. Then I could really get into it.

    Inside of Porsche. Hammond looks more relaxed.

    Hammond: Yes, this is more like it. Let’s see what she’s got!

    Hammond goes through several quick gear changes. Shot through the windows as trees fly past.

    Pan back to Hammond, who looks like he’s mulling something over.


    Hammond: We’re actually not accelerating as quickly as I’d thought. At this rate we might not reach 300. Oh sure, I’ve got the record, no question, but I want that extra speed. I want to see this car do 300.

    Hammond glances at the boost button before shaking his head.

    Hammond: No, no, musn’t do that. Even though I’d have the time to slow down, if only just. It’s still too dangerous.

    Cut to outside.

    Hammond (VO): Then I decided it wasn’t.

    A flash of blue shoots from the 911’s exhaust as it speeds forward off the screen, too fast for the cameras to keep up with.

    Back to inside of the Porsche. Hammond is pressed back against his seat.


    Hammond: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

    Back and forth shots of the 911 racing by and Hammond inside yelling. Eventually, the blue flame dies down as the boost cuts out. The Porsche gradually slows down and drives around to the end of the track, where Hammond exits, wobbling a bit.

    Hammond: Woo! That, uh, that was something.

    Fade out as Hammond assistants walk up and help Hammond to a tent.

    Fade in to studio. Clarkson and Hammond are once again standing by the Porsche.


    Clarkson: Alright Hammond, if you broke 300 I’ll admit I was wrong about the Porsche.

    Hammond: Thing is, once I hit that boost I found myself physically unable to look anywhere but at the road in front of me. I didn’t check the speedo until I was already braking.

    Clarkson: Are you telling me you didn’t even get your own speed?!

    Hammond: Ah, no, the boffins did let me know. Turns out I clocked in a top speed of 318 miles per hour!

    Audience applauds.

    Clarkson (in disbelief): Bloody hell. Richard Hammond is now the fastest driver in the world.

    Hammond: *cringes* Well, actually, they also told me that when I engaged the boost I lost the chance at the record.

    Audience laughs.

    Clarkson (amused): Oh, that’s too bad, Hammond. Anyway, now’s the time when we’d normally have our tame racing driver take the 911 around the track, but with his unfortunate demise earlier we were left with a problem. Luckily, with some creative use of time travel and spaceflight, during Hammond’s clip we were able to find a replacement. Some say he is the galaxy’s sole male Asari, and that when he was on the receiving end of a Krogan headbutt, the Krogan was knocked unconscious. All we know is, he’s Top Gear’s new Stig!

    Pan to studio entrance. Emerson, Lake, and Palmer’s version of “Fanfare for the Common Man” plays while confetti falls as the Stig enters, wearing an Asari-blue racing outfit/helmet. New blue Stig banners unroll from the ceiling, covering the white ones. Audience cheers madly.

    Pan back to Clarkson.


    Clarkson: Now get back out to the track!

    Cut to Stig, who turns back around without pausing and leaves the building.

    Cut to Top Gear Test track. The Stig is inside the car, revving the engine.


    Clarkson (VO): Looks like this new Stig is eager to go. *911 screeches from the line* And he’s off!

    Cut to inside of 911. Stig turns the wheel as opening to “Starman” plays.

    Clarkson (VO): Appropriately, the Stig seems to be a fan of Ziggy Stardust. Coming into Chicago now.

    Outside view as the Stig takes the turn without any fuss.

    Clarkson (VO): New Stig off to a good start here. Up to the Hammerhead, see how he does here…

    The 911’s back slides out slightly as it exits, before swiftly accelerating into the Follow-Through.

    Back to inside of 911. “Starman” chorus plays while Stig shifts gear.


    Clarkson (VO): Coming up to the tires…

    Cut to view from camera by the tires. The 911 blows by so fast the camera falls over.

    Clarkson (VO): Oh my god! He’s knocked the camera man down! That’s not happened before! Through the penultimate corner, Gambon coming up…

    Shot of 911 clearing Gambon with ease, just barely clipping the corner.

    Clarkson (VO): And across the line!

    Cut back to Clarkson and Hammond standing next to the Power Lap board.

    Hammond (eagerly): So let’s have it. New champion, right? Fast, fast car.

    Clarkson: The Porsche did it in… one minute ten. Dead.

    Audience cheers as Clarkson places the time at the top of the board. Hammond is grinning madly.

    Hammond: And he didn’t use the boost, so you can’t even make an excuse to take it off!

    Clarkson: Yes, you’re right. Good showing for new Stig, though. First time out and already putting in a top time. I think dead Stig’s accident worked out well for everyone.

  6. #6
    . . . Hen_Ichi's Avatar
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    Nitpick Rank A
    Grizzly pulls out of the garage.

    Interior of Mako, paint splashes against the windscreen. Stig flips a switch and window wipers start.

    ...

    Cut to presenters watching the screen as the Grizzly plows right through the turret, barely even slowing down. Clarkson makes a face, Hammond raises an eyebrow, May grins perkily.


    May: You know, you’re right Clarkson. You do have the speed, but the Stig spent more time slipping and sliding out there then we did on the ice a few years ago. Whereas in the Grizzly, he’ll be able to actually drive where he wants to go. The results should be obvious.

    Hammond (aside, to Clarkson): He may have a point there, Jeremy.

    Clarkson (quietly to Hammond): Yes, the handling is, quite frankly, horrendous. *louder, to May* Oh please, what a load of-

    Abrupt cut to interior of Mako as Stig crashes through yet another paintball gun emplacement. Stig isn’t fazed.

    May (VO): Stig was nearing the end now, only one obstacle left.

    Grizzly approaches the caravans.
    Scene of May swearing at the test driver who broke his record.
    I thought he just said "Damn him."
    BEHOLD! THE SIG OF GOLDEN TRUTH! Pillaged from McJon, Tsukikan et al.


  7. #7
    More than a feeling... Spooky's Avatar
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    Nitpicks addressed. How stupid of me.

  8. #8
    . . . Hen_Ichi's Avatar
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    Eh, tis good - sounds like a totally plausible script for Top Gear 8)
    BEHOLD! THE SIG OF GOLDEN TRUTH! Pillaged from McJon, Tsukikan et al.


  9. #9

  10. #10
    More than a feeling... Spooky's Avatar
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    Here's the last bit.



    Cut to May standing next to his amphibious car.

    May: Once our IFV’s had been cleaned and fixed up, we were brought back to Heathrow for our final challenge.

    Cut to Heathrow Spaceport, the same area they’d originally started at. The presenters are standing a few feet away from all three vehicles. All three IFVs look shiny and clean, but the Hammerhead looks exceptionally pristine.

    May (VO): Clarkson and I had wanted to disqualify Hammond, since he’d lost his original vehicle, but the producers insisted on getting him a new one. Needless to say, we thanked them for it.

    Clarkson: Interfering *censored*.

    Hammond: Oh get over it already. I’m still in it and that’s that. Now let’s see what the last challenge is.

    A technician walks up and hands Clarkson the envelope, who opens it and takes out the paper.

    Clarkson (glancing at paper): Oh dear.

    Hammond: Is it bad?

    Clarkson: I wouldn’t say “bad” exactly…

    May (losing patience): Out with it man, what do we have to do next?

    Clarkson: “The armed forces need to know how well their Infantry Fighting Vehicles will stand up under sustained bombardment. Accordingly each of yours will now be placed under increasingly higher degrees of weapons fire. The one that makes it through the most weapons wins.”

    May and Hammond exchange a worried glance.

    Hammond: Well, that’s not too bad. I mean, we’re not going to be inside them, right?

    May (VO): We weren’t, but there was something inherently sad about the thought of seeing these vehicles, which over the past few days we’d grown to love, be destroyed right in front of us.

    Cut to Clarkson, grinning and rubbing his hands together.

    Clarkson: Right, I’ll go first. Now, where are the weapons…

    May (VO): Thankfully, we wouldn’t be handing military grade weaponry over to Top Gear’s resident orangutan anymore. We’d learned our lesson in the mountains.

    Clarkson is talking to a technician.

    Clarkson (incredulous): What do you mean we’re not doing it ourselves? That’s all the fun gone right there. Who’d they bring in then?

    Cut to Shepard walking up, in full armor minus the helmet. Behind her the air ripples as if in extreme heat.

    May (VO): Yes, our new friend and Top Gear fan Commander Shepard was back. There really was no one more appropriate for the job. She was already familiar with the show, the IFVs, and all the various weapons the producers had lined up.

    Shepard greets and shakes hands with the presenters. They all walk over to a large table with multiple weapons on it.

    Shepard: All right boys, we’re going to start small and head up from there. First we’ve got this. *raises an assault rifle* This is the M-8 Avenger, the standard issue automatic rifle for the Systems Alliance Military, and one of the most common weapons in the galaxy.

    Scene of each vehicle being driven a fair distance away from both the other IFVs and the people.

    May (VO): Normally an assault rifle wouldn’t be a danger to any one of our choices, which is why for this part of the test Shepard would be joined by a few of her friends.

    Shepard and about 20 others are each aiming a rifle at the Mako.

    May (VO): They’d fire for roughly 15 seconds before moving along to the next vehicle. First up was the Mako.

    The soldiers begin firing. Pan to the presenters, wearing comically over-exaggerated goggles, looking on. Clarkson occasionally flinches as he watches.

    Pan back to the Mako, smoke rising and paint chipping off with each hit, but no other visible damage. The shooting abruptly stops.

    Cut to the Hammerhead. Gunfire begins, and almost immediately the IFV violently explodes.

    Cut to presenters, zoom on Hammond.


    Hammond (horrified): Oh god!

    Zoom out to all three.

    Clarkson (laughing): Well Richard, looks like you needn’t have bothered replacing your old one. Though it’s good to know they still have uses for paper-mache in the future.

    May: I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really expecting small arms fire to work on any of them, even with the added soldiers. Glad to be proven wrong here!

    Cut to the Grizzly, already under fire. No damage whatsoever is apparent.

    Cut to Shepard laying the assault rifle back on the table.


    May (VO): After round one, Clarkson and I were still in the running. Hammond had run off, probably trying to find a way to console himself.

    Cut to Hammond at what is obviously a bar, a full shot glass in his hand and many pyramids of empty, upside down glasses on the counter in front of him.

    Back at Heathrow, Shepard is holding a rocket launcher while Clarkson and May look on.


    Shepard: Ok, one down, still two to go. *grins* For our next weapon of choice we step up to heavy weapons. This one’s an ML-77.

    May (sagely): ML standing for missile launcher.

    Clarkson (exasperated): You idiot. Everyone knows that. Besides, we saw them loading it earlier.

    Shepard takes aim at the Mako and fires. The missile streaks out, hits the Mako, and explodes. A cloud of smoke obscures the scene.

    Cut to Clarkson and May.


    Clarkson (muttering): C’mon, c’mon, you can take it. I know you can.

    Back to Mako. The smoke fades, showing part of the Mako’s chassis, only one wheel left. The rest is in pieces surrounding it in, stretching out in a vague oval shape.

    Cut to Clarkson.


    Clarkson: Bloody *censored* hell, those stupid *censored* in the military don’t know how to build anything anymore. *censored* them all!

    May (VO): While Jeremy was commenting on the Mako’s build quality, Shepard was turning her attention to the Grizzly.

    A missile files towards the Grizzly, colliding with it and causing basically the same scene as the Mako, except when the smoke fades away the Grizzly is still in one piece, albeit blackened and slightly dented.

    Cut back to May and Clarkson. May dances a short jig as Clarkson mutters something under his breath.


    May (VO): I’d won the challenge, however we still needed to see exactly how much punishment the Grizzly could take.

    Montage of Shepard shooting the Grizzly with an M-622 Avalanche, an Arc Projector, and an M-490 Blackstorm. The Grizzly looks progressively worse after each hit, but it’s still in one piece.

    Cut to presenters.


    Clarkson (amazed): What on God’s Earth does it take to blow that thing up?!

    May (condescendingly): And you wondered why I chose it.

    Scene is in slow motion as Shepard picks up the last weapon from the table.

    May (VO): There was only one last thing for the Grizzly to survive, but for some reason I wasn’t too optimistic.

    Zoom on the nuclear symbol on the side of the weapon.

    May (VO): The M-920 Cain, aptly nicknamed the Nuke Launcher. This one required a bit more preparation than the others.

    Cut to a shoddy, recently constructed shed. A sign hanging off the doorknob reads “Top Gear Nuclear Bunker.” Clarkson and May are inside, watching through a small window, while Shepard stands outside next to it.

    Shepard fires the Cain. Scene goes back to slow-mo as the camera follows the slug, changing back to normal speed as it detonates against the Grizzly. Shepard shields her eyes as a mushroom cloud consumes the IFV.

    Cut back to Clarkson and May. The blast is reflected in their goggles.

    Back at ground zero, the mushroom cloud and smoke have cleared. The Grizzly has been completely vaporized, leaving only a large black scorch mark on the ground.


    Clarkson (off screen, from bunker): Too bad Hammond couldn’t have seen that. *cheerily* Oh well!

    Cut to Hammond at the bar, passed out with his face on the counter.

    Fade to Top Gear studio. Audience is cheering loudly as Clarkson, Hammond, and May stand next to a scoreboard with rows for the IFVs and columns for the challenges. Clarkson and May are holding pens.


    Hammond: Damn, can’t believe I missed that. That was probably my only chance at ever seeing a nuclear explosion.

    May: Well, it wasn’t really a nuke, you know. It just gave off the appearance of one because-

    Clarkson (interrupting): There was a mushroom cloud, therefore it was a nuke. Anyway, the scores. First up, the durability test. May, you decisively won this one, so you get ten points.

    Clarkson writes a “10” in the correct spot on the board.

    Clarkson: The Mako was respectable enough, lasting to the rocket launcher, so that’s five points for me. *writes down a “5”* Hammond, your Hamsterhead was frankly an embarrassment.

    Audience laughs. May is snickering to the side.

    Hammond (twitching): My what?

    Clarkson: Hamsterhead. A fitting name, I think. You get naught, for losing to small arms fire. *writes a “0”*

    May: On to the Feros time-challenge. I won that one as well, so that’s ten for me. *marks up a “10”* Jezza came in second, so that’s a five. *marks a “5”* And Hammond, yours didn’t even finish, so once more that’s a naught. *marks “0”*

    Hammond rolls his eyes.


    Clarkson: Now the mountain climbing. I was the clear victor, so that’s ten. *writes “10”*

    Hammond: Again, you cheated there.

    Clarkson: Doesn’t matter, I still won. May, you came in second, that’s a five. *writes “5”* Hammond, you didn’t even make it to the top of the mountain so-

    Hammond (interrupting, flatly): Let me guess, naught.

    Clarkson (pausing, then nodding to Hammond): Yes it is. *writes a “0”*

    May: Now the last, or rather the first. For successfully boarding the frigate, Hammond, you get ten points. *marks “10”*

    Crowd cheers.


    Hammond (excited): Hey-hey!

    May: Yes, you’re finally on the board. Clarkson, you made it as well, so that’s another ten. *writes “10”* And of course I ended up making it too, eventually, so that’s tens all around. *writes another “10”*

    May calculates the totals and writes them up in their column.


    May: The final results are… Hammond with ten, Clarkson with thirty, and me with thirty-five! I win!

    May is wearing a large grin as the audience applauds. Clarkson shakes his head.

    Clarkson: Sorry, sorry, but there are some last minute adjustments that need to be done.

    Hammond (sighing): Oh I see where this is going.

    Clarkson: Yes, you see Hammond, the producers have said that since you’re responsible for killing the Stig, you’ve got to take a penalty.

    Hammond: And of course that would be…

    Clarkson: You’re right, minus ten points.

    Clarkson erases the “1” in Hammond’s totals column, leaving only the “0.” Audience laughs.

    Clarkson: And there’s more. May, since it took you way, way too long to load your Grizzly on the spaceship, you’ve a penalty as well.

    May (crossing his arms): Oh really, and what would that be?

    Clarkson: Minus five. *changes the “35” to “30”* And with that, the new scores are, Hammond with naught, and both James and I with 30! It’s a tie! And that really is a bombshell we can end on. See you next week and goodnight!

    Fade out as credits roll and Top Gear theme plays. Every name in the credits has “Commander” in front of it.
    Last edited by Spooky; April 22nd, 2012 at 11:16 AM.

  11. #11
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