The Life and Times/(Misadventures) of the Two Hounds (and the other Lancers)

[keeper13]

As promised... HERE IT IS!!!!

Warning: This crack fanfic contain contents of comedy, randomness, drama, horror, epicness, action, badassness, parody, stupidity, chaos, suffering, insanity, lulz, Breaking the 4th wall, Shout outs, crossovers, cameos, OOC moments, heartwarming moments, tear jerking moments, friendship, family, romance, and (a little bit... or alot of) Bromance.

Reader Description is advised...

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Special Thanks goes to Spinach-kun, Sherrinford-kun, and other fellow members of Beast's Lair for all of your support
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NOTE: I do not own anything as all the characters belong to their respected creators.
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Beast's Lair Fanfic Production presents...

A fanfiction written by keeper13...



Starring...

Lancer (or Cu Chulainn(#1)) of Fate/stay night
Lancer (or Proto!Lancer or Cu Chulainn(#2) or Setanta) of Fate/Prototype

with...

Lancer (or Zero!Lancer or Diarmuid Ua Duibne) of Fate/zero
Lancer (or Enkidu) of Fate/strange fake
Lancer (or Vlad) of Fate/EXTRA
Lancer (or Karna) of Fate/Apocrypha
Lancer (or Benkei) of Fate/Apocrypha
Lancer (or Elizabeth) of Fate/EXTRA CCC
Lancer (???) of Fate/Prototype: Fragments

and many more characters to come (featuring Guest Stars)...

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Table of Contents
Episode 1.1
Episode 1.2
Episode 1.3
Episode 1.4
Episode 1.5

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Episode 1.1

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!11!!!!1!!!!"The guy in black headphones, holding a small golden statue, ran through the corridors along with the blue-haired man and the long green-haired... person, "FUCK THIS SHIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!"

"Is it after us!? IS IT AFTER US?!!!" the one in green hair shouted while sprinting.

The blue-haired man looked back for a few second, then his eyes went wide and he starts picking up his pace with the first runner. The green-hair fellow furrowed his... (or her) eyebrow and curiously look back, which (s)he later regrets, and tries to catch up with the two after seeing not one, but three grotesque grunts chasing after them.

"I can't believe we got ourselves into this mess!!!" the one with green hair screamed.

"Goddamn that bastard and his goddamn game of his..." the blue one cursed.

Okay, if you're wondering how these two, along with the well-known Swedish YouTuber who keeps screaming "RUNLIKEABAWS!!!" numerous times, are in this place and why they are being chased by the 'bros'. Here's how it happens...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

9 hours earlier...

"What the Hell?! What do you mean there's no more reservation?!"

The blue-hair man, who everyone recognized him as Lancer...no, not that Lancer from Fate/stay night, but his twin brother from Fate/Prototype. He sometimes called Prototype Lancer, or Setanta (well, he would be called CuChulainn, but that's also his brother's name), but let's call him Proto!Lancer in this story.

Ahem, moving on...

Proto!Lancer was furious from another call that there's no more reservation at a 5-star restaurant that he was planning to go there with his girlfriend.

"You know what? Forget it! Nevermind!" He pressed END and resists his urges to throw his phone on the ground by putting it away in his pocket as he starts walking home from the convenience store.

Proto!Lancer then pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his other pocket. As he lights it, he heard someone calling out to him.

"Oi~! Se-kun~!" Proto!Lancer look to his right and saw the green-haired person, running across the street, which everyone knows him as Lancer from Fate/strange fake... but let's call him Enkidu.

"Yo." Proto!Lancer (or Se-kun as Enkidu always called him) greets, "You're in a good mood today."

"Yep! Look what I won at the lottery!" Enkidu pulled something out of his (her?) bag and presented the prize to him. "Tada~!"

"..."

"..."

"... That's it?"

"Yep!"

"... it's just a typical kitchen funnel."

"Correction: it's the 'Prize of the Day's Winner #166: A Kitchen Funnel'!"

"... Right..." He continues walking home.

"Aw, come on, Se-kun! At least I won something!" Enkidu whines.

"Whatever."

Enkidu lets out a sigh while walking with him. "...So... you found any good place for your next date with your girl."

"No, and this is the 3rd time it happens and I still got no reservation." Proto!Lancer puff out a smoke as dialed the home number to call his twin, "Tch, 'Third Times a Charm' my ass..."

"Well, what about Ahnenerbe?" Enkidu suggested as he walks with him.

"Nah, I already took her there three days ago. I want this dinner date to be more special than before." Proto!Lancer raised one eyebrow up he looked at his cellphone as he before putting it away, which somehow lost connection. Strange... Aniki's not picking up. He should already be home by now.

"MmmHmm... speaking of which, aren't you gonna introduced your girlfriend to your twin and Dia-kun."

Proto!Lancer dropped his cigarette down to the ground and stomps it to put it out and continues to reach their destination: the apartment where he's residing along with his twin and Diarmuid. "I would if she has anymore free time, then maybe... What the?"

"Hmm?" Enkidu looks at their apartment, and saw their door was broken down on the ground. "Whoa, did the Lion got loose, crashed into your home and attack you guys again?"

"No, I don't think so this time..." he shook his head, "And please, don't remind me about that. Ever. Again."

Yeah, that Lion incident... that's another story we'll talk about that next time...

Proto!Lancer slowly enters his home, followed by Enkidu, and inspects. Inside is in complete chaos right now: Furniture tipped over and out of place, the windows and the balcony glass door shattered, papers and book and broken plates scattered all over the ground, and a lone light bulb flickering on the ceiling.

"OH MY GAWD!!!!" Proto!Lancer turn to his attention to the source of Enkidu's cry. Enkidu, shaken, in front of the kitchen counter where a lone silver tray with small chocolate crumbs on it." THE CAKE?! IT'S GONE?!?!?!" Enkidu then points his accusing finger at Se-kun while sheddingtears of anger. "LIAR!! YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU GUYS SAVED THE LAST SLICE OF THAT CHOCOLATE LAVA CAKE FOR ME!!!!!"

Yeah, that's the reason Enkidu came over with Se-kun is because they had a leftover cake they bought from the pastry shop and Enkidu is pretty much obliged to finish the last slice for them. But sadly, it's gone now.

Proto!Lancer twitched, "Can't you just drop it for a few seconds and focus on what matters?!" he puts his groceries on the ground and went down the hallway. "Oi! Aniki!? Diarmuid?!" He check every room, but no traces of the two were found. Man, where are you guys? What's going on here? A robbery? No...most of our stuffs are still here... except the cake though...

"Hey, was that there before?" Proto!Lancer heard Enkidu and ran back to check. There, he sees Enkidu point up something above the doorway. A note, it appears. Proto!Lancer jumps up and brought the note down. As he retrieved it, the two began to read:

I have your friends...

If you wish to save them... you must complete all the trials and tribulations that I have set for all of you...

If you fail to accomplished them... then you will never see your brother and your friends... EVER AGAIN!!!! MUWAHAHAHA!!!

Enkidu swallowed hard from reading that statement while Proto!Lancer ponders. Are they really never gonna see his brother and his friends ever again...? Well, he be glad that he will never get to see Vlad and Karna again... I mean to him, Vlad's is crazy, annoying, and goes on saying that one day he'll be more handsome, and Karna.......... let's just say... well... that's he's just too honest and he's really hard to deal with...that damn troll... he's like that Minakami girl... or even worse than that Minakami girl or that fake pr-

-Off topic! Off topic! -Anyway, movin' on!!

Proto!Lancer pulled out his cell phone, "That's it, I'm calling the cops-"

"But Se-kun, look!"

"Huh?" Proto!Lancer looked at the sentence that Enkidu was pointingat.

And if you ever try to contact to the authorities... then, your lady will be my next victim!!!

He grits his teeth as he clenched the note. Bastard! There's no way I'm letting him lay his filthy hands on her! He sighs as he puts away his cell phone, I guess we have no other choice. Proto!Lancer continues reading:

Now, to begin the first trial, look at the back of the note when you are done reading...

Until then... I wished you good luck... not! Fufufu...

Yours truly,

~IAMFABULOUS~

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What kind of name is that?! I mean- C'MON! "IAMFABULOUS"?!"

"Actually," Enkidu corrected, "I think you meant "IAMFABULOUS" right there..."

Proto!Lancer stared at Enkidu with a deadpan expression on his face "..."

"You know, because with the colors print-"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!" Proto!Lancer yelled at Enkidu before turning his attention back at the note, then noticed something underneath this "kidnapper's name":

P.S.
I thank you for leaving out that delicious slice of that cake, for its taste was so divine and heavenly that I pity those who never got a chance to savor it.

"THAT FIEND!!!!" Enkidu cried out as he clenched his fist, "HOW DARE HE STEALS THAT SLICE THAT WAS MEANT FOR ME!!!!! HE. WILL. PAY FOR THIS!!!!!!"

Proto!Lancer stared Enkidu before he facepalm to himself, then Enkidu grabs him by the collar of his shirt and shakes him. "TURN THE PAGE! TURN THE PAGE!!! I WANNA FIND THAT MONSTER AND STANGLE HIM MYSELF!!!!"

"Alright! Alright! Calm down already! Sheesh!" Proto!Lancer manage get Enkidu off of him, and turns to the back of the note and reads what their first trial is...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

TO BE CONTINUED...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Cliff-hanger~! LOL

Sorry about that!

Anyway, there we go! well, I tried my best, pardon the mistakes and all, but oh well! XD

Yep, it took me a while to begin this story, so I decided to begin with the "IAMFABULOUS Arc". Now, what trial they should start? Oh, and don't worry, well see the other Lancers and how they are doing while being held hostage in the next chapter!

So, stay tune for more of "The Life and Times/(Misadventures) of the Two Hounds (and the other Lancers)"

Also, can anyone guess who that guy that first appeared in the beginning of the chapter? I thank Dragoon for introducing me to his channel. XD

[Frantic Author]

THEY SHOULD HAVE SENT A POET

[VelspertheCat]

Needs more explosions.

[YeOfLittleFaith]

This is relevant to my interests.
Proceed with the lulz.

[keeper13]

Needs more explosions.

Don't worry. There will be some/more explosions in one of the trials in the next chapter and the one after that and another one after that

[ZidanReign]

Lulz is love.

So therefore I must give you love.

C'mere you.

[keeper13]

Lulz is love.

So therefore I must give you love.

C'mere you.

Aw, thank you~! XD

[Ace]

This is relevant to my interests.
Proceed with the lulz.

^

[keeper13]

Episode 1.2

Lancer, as in Lancer of Fate/stay night or Cu Chulainn, who is also Proto!Lancer's older twin brother, ran down to the end of the hallway of the dark abandoned hospital. As he made to the end, he opens the door and saw the dumb waiter. "Alright, now that I already found the second cellphone," he noted, "So, all I have to do is drop it in, dial the number, and teleport to the basement. Easy." With that, Lancer tossed the cellphone down, as he listen to it fall... he slowly came to a realization. "...wait a minute... am I suppose to find something to cusion its fall otherwise it br-"

*CLANK*

His face went pale from the sound of the mobile phone that just broke into pieces, "...Oh, crap."

WhAt HAvE yOu DoNE.

"AHH!" He yelped as he turned around and see the ghost girl in pink, carrying a black cat plushie, floating towards him with a menacing look. He tried to back away, but the entrance of the dumb waiter was suddenly block by some force, leaving Lancer cornered by a restless ghost.

"NO, I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK IT! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Lancer's plea fell into deafs ear as she approaches closer and black hands starts appearing from the walls, reaching toward him. "NO! NO!! NO!!! AHH! NAY! NAY!! AHH!! AHH!!!" Lancer made his last scream as he slowly starts to suffocate from the surrounding and his last vision and the ghost girl's hands reaching to his neck as the black hands to envelop him. That's when Lancer screamed his last thought:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Cu?" "Cu?!"

Lancer's eyes were snapped open and sees the faces of Diarmuid and Karna above him. "Phew, you're still alive, thank god." Diarmuid, AKA Lancer of Fate/zero or Zero!Lancer, sighs in relief and looks away to someone else in this room. "Hey guys, he's awake."

Oh, good... It's just a dream. He thought in relief, That's what I get for playing that "Calling" game last night... wait... can't. breathe?! That when he realized that Karna's hand are still plugging Lancer's nose and closing his mouth, preventing him from breathing. Lancer's face slowly starts to turn blue and starts to struggle to get Karna to let go.

Diarmuid looks down at Lancer and his eyes went wide when he saw the color of Lancer's face starts to draining. "Karna! I think you should let go now! He's awake already!"

Karna (one of the Lancers of Fate/Apocrypha) slowly looks at Diarmuid with a bored look, then down to a struggling blue Lancer whose hitting Karna's arms to let go. He then sighs and finally lets go of Lancer's face.

Lancer then starts gasping for air as he sits up and glares at Karna (yet felt a short pain on his stomach as he got up, especially the small pain on both his cheeks, as if he was slapped). "WHAT THE HELL WAS FOR?!?!"

"Waking you up." Karna stated, "I heard that plugging you nose and keeping your mouth shut might help, if I remember."

That's when Benkei (one of the Lancers of Fate/Apocrypha), who is sitting on the other side of the room with Vlad (from Fate/EXTRA), who was fiddling with a TV remote and struggling to turn the TV on, speaks out. "Actually, I heard that technique was used for hiccups only."

Diarmuid and a pissed-off Lancer turns to Karna, who shrugs his shoulders "Oh well, it's worth to try."

"YOU ALMOST HAD ME KILLED!" Lancer's now screaming at his face. "I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN IF I DIDN'T WAKE UP OR SOMETHING?!"

"Well, the good news is that you're awake now, Cu Chulainn. And just to let you know that we did try slapping you and punching your stomach, and you're still out like a light (Lancer's thought: well, that explains why my face and my stomach hurts). There's no water or peppers in this room here, so that's why I tried that technique." Karna then shook his head as he crossed his arms, "Seriously, Cu Chulainn. You're such a heavy sleeper. And for a heavy sleeper like you, you even sleep through your own kidnapping."

Lancer twitched while glaring at Karna, trying to hold back his urges to wrangle his neck.

"Uh, guys." Diarmuid interrupted to prevent the aura between the two from darkening, "Can't we just focus on where we are right now."

Lancer looked away from Karna and gots up from the floor while scaning the white room they are in. So far, the room was a bit bare except for a "counter/table/bed" and a black TV. Then noticed Vlad in panics fiddling with the remote, then runs to it, hitting the top repeatedly with his hand.

"Why. won't . you. work?!" Vlad cries out, while trying to turn the TV on, "I can't miss my soaps right now! I must know what happen!"

That's when the TV automatically turns on by itself. "Yay!... Huh?" Vlad cheers until he noticed something strange about this current 'channel', which is all but static.

That's when a distorted voice was heard from the TV Screen.

Fufufufu... welcome to my Dungeon! Fufufu.

Silence.

"Oh please, if it were a Dungeon, we would be in some sort of jail cell or some medival torture chamber." Karna stated, "Here is just some white bare room with no windows and a door completely shut. Now that's a disappointment."

Shut up, you! This is all I can afford here! I mean- *ahem* *Muttering: Keep calm. Keep calm. You are fabulous! FABULOUS!* *clears throat again* You may have overlooked it, but no matter how plain that room you're are in, it's a dungeon that will torture your minds!!! MUWAHAHAHAHA~!

"... Pst, does he sound high or something?" Lancer whispered to Diarmuid, who slowly nods. "Sounds like it..." Diarmuid replies. That's when Lancer shout toward to the screen.

"Who or what are you anyway?! Jigsaw?!"

No! NO!! JIGSAW IS NOT FABULOUS AS I AM!! YOU MAY REFER ME AS... IAMFABULOUS!

"..."


"..."


"..."


"..."


"... Fabulous?" Benkei repeated.

NO!!! YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG!! IT'S "IAMFABULOUS"! FABULOUS ! FABULOUS !!!!!!! *Ahem* *Muttering "Keep calm. Keep calm. You are fabulous! FABULOUS!" again* ...Rest assure, my fellow prisoners. No matter what you do, there's no way out. All that is left for you is to wait for the other blue haired one and that green one to come and rescue you all... if they manage to complete all my trials... WHICH IS VERY UNLIKELY! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

"Why are you doing this?!" Diarmuid shouted at the screen.

Why?! WHY YOU SAY?!?! ... because... IAMFABULOUS~! MUWAHAHAHAHA~! ENJOY YOUR STAY~!

Then the TV connection got cut off. Vlad frantically tries to turn the TV on or change the channel, but no response.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1! I'm gonna missed my soaps!" Vlad drops to "Now I'll never know what happen when the protagonist found out that his fiancé is the daughter of a murderer that he's been seeking revenge on!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!"

The other Lancers silently watched Vlad in despair over some drama show... until Diamuid realized something.

"Wait, he mentioned someone coming to rescue..." Diarmuid looks around, "Does he meant Setanta? Well, since he wasn't with us here... that's means it him."

Benkei then replies, "He also mentioned Enkidu, I believe."

"Well, that's good." Lancer speaks out, "That's mean my lil' bro will come and save us!"

"With Enkidu's helps." Karna added.

"But that's good, right? ... Right?!"

Silence... awkward silence... (aside Vlad still crying in despair)

"...We're doomed." Karna breaks silence.

"Well, how do you know?" Diamuid asked.

He shrugs, "I don't know, but I just had a feeling that we're going to be stuck here for a long time, that's all... and who knows how long it'll take for them to get here..."

... More silence... no one said anything for awhile... and the only sound you hear in this room is Vlad's sobbing over his missing chance of seeing his favorite soap opera.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

TO BE CONTINUED...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

lol, sorry for another cliffhanger again. Still deciding which one will be the first trial. But at least we know what happens to the other Lancers.

Anyway, stay tune for the first trial!

[YeOfLittleFaith]

This is stupidly hilarious.
I demand more of this fabulous crack!

[keeper13]

Lol, glad you like it XD

[YeOfLittleFaith]

I'm dying of suspense for knowing who their kidnapper is.

Well, other than a totally rockin' fabulous person.

[keeper13]

I'm dying of suspense for knowing who their kidnapper is.

Well, other than a totally rockin' fabulous person.

fixed by the request of IAMFABULOUS
Oh, wait and see~!
Trust me, by the time their kidnapper's identity is revealed, you'll be shocked!

and for those who do know who it is: DON'T SPOIL IT! I want to make it a surprise~!

[keeper13]

Episode 1.3

So, the captives have no other choice but to wait for their rescue... which may take awhile... I mean, who knows how long Setanta and Enkidu will get here.

Everything seems quiet in this "prison," good thing that Vlad stops crying, though he's just sitting next to Benkei, still looking upset that he's now missing his show.

"... So..." Karna breaks silence, "How do you guys get here?"

"... Well, let's see," Lancer responds, trying to remember, "Diarmuid and I were home as usual, and just to let you know that I was AWAKE that time!" he angrily stated while pointing his accusing finger at Karna.

Karna furrowed his eyebrow, as if he does not believe his story. "..."

"..." Lancer slowly lowered his hand and his gaze, "Okay, so I was taking a nap at that time... but I did wake up when something crashed in our home... then... uh..." he scratched the back of his head.

"..." Karna crossed his arms and shook his head, "Pathetic."

"HEY!"

"A-Anyway, what Cu was saying is that," Diarmuid interrupted, "Yeah, we were at our apartment, I was reading a newspaper while Cu was napping. Then, two or three cans came crashing through our windows and starts releasing sleeping gas." he explained, "The next thing we know is that we all passed out and that's how we all got here, though Cu was still unconscious by the time I woke up."

Karna turned away from Diarmuid to Lancer, "In other words: You Slept through your own Kidnapping."

"Shut up!" Lancer yelled, "and what about YOU?! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!"

"Fine, I'll tell you," he explained, "I was shopping in the mall, found a nice vest, went to a fitting room, then a girl who was talking to her friends outside of the fitting room, asking about how she looks in that dress she's wearing, and then she saw me and asked for my opinion."

"Then what happened?" Diarmuid asked.

"I gave her my Honest Opinion..." Karna continues, "the next thing I knew is that she starts sobbing so hard, that she slapped my face and ran out of the mall... while still wearing that dress that sets off the alarm, and that's when her friends and the security guard ran after her."

"... and then?"

"So, I continued my trek to the fitting room. By the time I was about to go inside one of the stalls, I heard someone behind me, and when I turned around, my face met with the end of the red Fire Extinguisher and I was out like a light."

Lancer snickered while Karna glared at him before turning away from him.

"... Anyway," Diarmuid turned to Vlad and Benkei, "what about you guys?"

Vlad responded first, "Oh, Me! Well, I was on my way home from a Blood Bank!"

"What were you doing in a Blood Bank?" Benkei asked.

"Anyway!" Vlad continues, ignoring Benkei, as if he was trying to avoid that question, "In order to reach home to see my favorite soup opera, I took a short-cut in the alleyway! Then, I saw a blood-pack dragged by a string!" he continues, "I got distracted and curious at the same time that I start following it! As I turned to the corner, I felt a garbage can fell on top of my head, and here I am... missing my favorite show right now..." he begins to sulk.

"..." the three turned to Benkei, "and you?" Lancer asked.

"I was at the Temple, offering my Prayers to the shrine..." he explained, "And then right at the moment when I rang the bell and gave my offering... it dropped on my head. As I slipped away from consciousness, I felt someone dragging away... and that's how I got here."

"... Wow." Lancer then got up, "Okay, that's it, we got to get the Hell out of here."

"How?" Diarmuid asked, "Our cell phones are missing, and for some reason, this room is restricting us from using our Noble Phantasm."

"Then, why not we just bust this door down?!" Lancer starts approaching to the door.

"Uh Cu, I don't think it's-" Diarmuid was too late to stop him as Lancer reached for the door knob.

As he touched the knob, Lancer suddenly felt a powerful electrical surge rushed through him, "AAHHH2MJL4SM6FDKS7F3MEF;VPNMB0PFM5EDAOIRNKGSMACLK SMPNG9IPRWNA;!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!111!!!!!! !11111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as Lancer cried out in pain when he was electrocuted, he then flew across the white room, hitting the wall with a hard thud before falling heavily to the floor.

"... Lancer ga shinda." Benkei stated in monotone way.

Vlad points his accusing finger at the still-shut door, "KONO HITO DE NASHI!!!"

Diarmuid ran up to Lancer to check his pulse, he then let out a sigh of relief, "Don't worry guys, he's still breathing, that means he's not dead yet. So, he's going to be alright."

"Shall I wake him up?" Karna asked while holding his hands up, proceed to do the same technique like last time.

Diarmuid sweat dropped while shaking his head, "Uh, no."

Karna then dropped his arms and head down, letting out a deep sigh, looking disappointed.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Meanwhile...

"..."

"..."

"... Are you sure we're reading this right?"

"Of course, Se-kun!" Enkidu looked at the back of the note and reads it out loud again:

Your First Trial is to complete the Infamous 7 Trials of the Jungle.
Here is the address you seek.
Also,I listed all the 7 obstacles that you must accomplished below...
Once you completed all them, you will receive another note that will lead you to your next trial.

"See? We followed the address that led us to this place, so it's got to be here."

"... but it's just some Ordinary Playground..." Proto!Lancer stated while staring at the playground of the park, where few kids we're playing on.

"Well, it has a "Jungle" Gym, and this kidnapper did refer it as a part of the 7 Trials of the "Jungle", so yeah, this is it."

"... What is wrong that bastard's head?"

"Aw c'mon, we can do this. It's just a playground, so it's easy! And it does look a lot fun here, so... Whee!!!" Enkidu then ran toward to the first part of the playground like a child on Christmas Eve.

Proto!Lancer twitched before sighing as he follows Enkidu.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 1: Catapult the Green one to the Box of Sands

"Alright, I'm ready, Se-kun!" Enkidu, standing on the end of the See Saw, shouted while waving his arms up in the air.

Proto!Lancer prepares himself by taking a deep breath. With enough distance he's in, Enkidu will be able to make it to that right Target. "This should work..." Proto!Lancer then started sprinting back to playground, where Enkidu starts his position, readying himself for the launch. As Proto!Lancer finally got closer, he leapt up high in the air. He then landed at the other end of the See Saw, launching Enkidu, sending him flying.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" As a flying Enkidu screamed his lungs out, he finally landed on the sandbox, headfirst.

"Oi!" Proto!Lancer ran up to him, "You alright?"

Enkidu, with his upper part of the body still buried in the sand, brought his hand out, giving him thumbs up.

Proto!Lancer nodded, "Good, just checking."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 2: Climb across the Bars

Proto!Lancer finally made it across the Monkey Bars. "Tch, too easy." he turned to see Enkidu behind, "You made it, yet?" his eyes bugged out from what he's seeing now.

Enkidu, sweating and breathing heavily, struggles to reach for the 3rd of the 12 bars... Even though the bar is not that far from him (it's only a foot away), and that he's a little too tall for this (his feet are already touching the ground that he could've just walk across).

Proto!Lancer twitched, "... ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!"

"Hang on, Se-kun! I'm almost there!" Enkidu kept on reaching for the bar,. After a long struggle, he finally reached it, "Yes! 3 down, 9 to go!!"

"..." Proto!Lancer face palm to himself. Being impatient, Proto!Lancer went behind Enkidu, and starts pushing him across the Monkey Bars to pick up the pace.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 3: Perform 10 Pull-Ups

Proto!Lancer already finished doing the pull ups, yet he is still frustrated at Enkidu, who still finishing his pull ups on the playground's chin-up bars (which is still not too high like the monkey bars, and let's not forget that he's too tall for a bar that high enough for an eight-year old, and yet he's still trying, even when he's on his knee).

In a minute, Enkidu finally brought his chin up, "SIX!!!" he cried out as he goes down and repeats the process.

Normally, Proto!Lancer would just help him like the previous trial, but he decided to wait. After all, it takes one minute for Enkidu to pull up.

Besides, Proto!Lancer was busy cover his face with his hand, hiding himself in embarrassment from Alice and Alice, who were both riding on the spring rockers and are also staring strangely at Enkidu.

"SEVEN!!!"

Yep, three more to go...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 4: Slide down 7 times, and Climb back up 6 times with only the slide

"Whee!" Enkidu laughed as they slide down the Tube Slide. "That was fun!"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Proto!Lancer muttered, "How many do we have left?"

"Two more to go! Also, one thing: is my head okay?"

Proto!Lancer turn to look at him and held back his laughter from the sight of Enkidu's static hair, probably from the slide. "Yep... you're good."

"Okay, now let's go!" Enkidu then tries to climb up the slide, with Proto!Lancer tailing behind him; and they have to be careful not to slip down, since the slide is a little slippery.

"Alright, careful... careful... don't slip... Hey, don't step on my hand!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 5: Remain in the Spinning Roundabout for 15 Minutes

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH11!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That is the sound of Enkidu screaming his lungs out again as (s)he and Proto!Lancer continues to hold on the Playground's spinning Merry-go-around, with the help of Ilya, Miyu, and Kuro to spin it with such speed.

"HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN RIGHT NOW?!?!?!??!" Proto!Lancer cried out.

"9 minutes!" Kuro answered.

He groans loudly while feeling a little dizzy.

"Ugh, I'm feeling a little sick..." Enkidu's face starts to turn into a same color of his/her? hair.

"YOU BETTER NOT THROW UP ON ME!!!!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 6: Escape through the Labyrinth (AKA the Jungle Gym)

The good new is, Enkidu didn't threw up Proto!Lancer's face..... but she did, however, threw up on his shoe.

*ahem* Movin' on!

Proto!Lancer finally squeezed himself out of the "exit" of the Jungle Gym. "Alright, one more to go-"

"SE-KUN! HELP!!!"

He turn back when he heard Enkidu's wail behind him, and found out that Enkidu is still far behind him, frantically trying to get out of the Jungle Gym.

"ICAN'TGETOUT! ICAN'TGETOUT!"

"OH, C'MOOOONNNN!!!!!" Proto!Lancer yelled, "YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING! ME! IT'S NOT. THAT. HARD!!!"

"SE-KUUUUNNN!!!!!"

He groans, "Alright! Go forward to my direction!"

Enkidu proceeds... until he hit his forehead from the bar he didn't noticed and fell on his butt.

Proto!Lancer twitched, "Crouch down and CRAWL!!"

Enkidu frantically crawls his way, then hits head on another bar.

"Alright, now go Left!"

Enkidu turned left, but hits himself from another bar, which made Proto!Lancer facepalm to himself.

"I mean, MY LEFT!!"

Yep, this is gonna take a little while to get Enkidu out of there...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Obstacle 7: Swing Over Completely

"Higher! HIGHER!! I'M STILL NOT GETTING ANY HIGHER!!!"

"I'M TRYING THE BEST I CAN, SO SHUT UP AND KEEP SWINGING YOUR LEGS, DAMMIT!!!!!" Proto!Lancer angrily yelled at Enkidu while he kept pushing him on the swings, ignoring the stares from that Tsubaki girl and little Jack the Ripper, who were also on the swing set.

Well, it is after all a large swing set, so the chances of swing over might take awhile and Enkidu barely made it over. "Well, keep pushing!"

Proto!Lancer to a deep breath as his hands pushed Enkidu's back really hard, which somehow made a little progress.

"I'm almost there. I'M ALMOST THERE!! DOITAGAIN! DOITAGAIN!! DOITAGAIN!!!"

Proto!Lancer then gathered all his might and did one more shove on Enkidu's back while running a few steps forward.

Everything felt like it's going in slow motion, as Proto!Lancer watched Enkidu went higher in the air, still on the swing. Enkidu held his breath and still kicked his leg out as he saw himself finally swinging over the bar. I'm doing it! I'm finally doing it!! Enkidu's mind screamed out with joy as he finally made it.

Proto!Lancer saw what's happening right now, that he smiled and did a fist pump in air, feeling victorious.

"Um, Mister?" he turned around when he heard Kuruoka's voice, yet he wasn't prepared for this.

"SE-KUN, WATCH OUT!!" Enkidu's cry came out too late, as he finally camed own, accidentally kicked Proto!Lancer in his path and sends him flying, with Enkidu falling out of the swing set, landing face first on the sands. Enkidu got up and shook his head like a dog would do.

"We did it? WE DID IT! WE FINALLY FINISHED THE FIRST TRIAL!...Se-kun?"

Enkidu looked at Se-kun, who he crashed into the now-broken parkbench and is currently lying on the ground. Enkidu frantically ran up to the fallen Proto!Lancer and starts shaking him to wake him up. "Se-kun? SE-KUN!! QUICK! HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING RIGHT NOW?!"

As Enkidu brought out three fingers in front of his face, and Proto!Lancer responds while trying to refocus his visions: "Uh... W!" he passed out.

"Hey? Hey! Wake up!"

"Congrats, you two."

"Huh?" Enkidu looked up and see the green haired lady, Reika Rikudou.

"So, you two are the one who completed this obstacle here."

"Um, yes?"

"Good? Because, you know, I was taking Jack to playground here to play, and we were about to go home, until this mysterious hooded stranger came in, and told me to stay here until "those two buffoons arrive here to complete the Trial" and instruct me to give this to you until you finished."

"Wha? Do you know what he looks like?" Enkidu stood up, leaving the unconcious Proto!Lancer on the ground.

"No, sorry." Reika shook her head, "All I know is that he wore a black hood coat, and I think he wore a gas mask or something that disguised his voice. But, he is tall."

"Oh."

"Anyway, here you go." Reika handed Enkidu the envelope, the one that contains the next trial. Enkidu accepted it, opens the envelope, pulled out the note and reads what the next trial is.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

TO BE CONTINUED...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Finally, the First Trial: COMPLETE!
And, ONWARD!

[YeOfLittleFaith]

I don't know what's more hilarious.
The completly ridiculous ways the guys were captured, Enkidu's total physical ineptitude, the cameos by other Nasuverse characters, or that being Lancer is suffering.

XD

[keeper13]

I don't know what's more hilarious.
The completly ridiculous ways the guys were captured, Enkidu's total physical ineptitude, the cameos by other Nasuverse characters, or that being Lancer is suffering.

XD

HOW ABOUT ALL OF THE ABOVE! LOL

[YeOfLittleFaith]

Oh. Of course, that was the missing option.

All of the above. Damnit, the drowsiness is making me miss my punchlines!

[Sakuraba Haru]

Oh this will be fun~

[keeper13]

Episode 1.4

"I Spy with my little eye, something that is white!" Vlad exclaimed.

"Wall." Karna answered.

"You win!"

While the prisoners are waiting for their rescue, Vlad got bored that he suddenly came up with the game "I Spy," probably just to relieve himself from his depression. And yet, it seems that only he and Karna are playing, while the others just sitting around.

"Okay, how about this: I Spy-"

"Ceiling."

"You win, again!"

"Okay, this couldn't *twitch* possibly get any *twitch* better." Lancer, who is finally awake and twitching from the effect of getting eletrocuted, groaned.

"How long has it been right now?" Diarmuid yawned.

"Feels like an hour... or two... If only there's a clock in this room." Benkei answered.

Collective groans filled the room.

"... I Spy-"

"Floor."

"Seriously, how do you know?!"

Karna shrugged his shoulder. "I guessed. And besides, what do you expect since there's hardly anything in this white prison."

"... How about this: I Spy-"

"You."

"... Wow, you're good."

Lancer groans again, "Seriously *twitch*, what the Hell are they *twitch* taking so long?!?!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Meanwhile...

"C'mon, Se-kun! You gotta get out of the restroom right now."

"HELL NO! THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT I'M COMING OUT OF HERE WHILE DRESSING UP LIKE THIS TO DO... THAT?!"

"But, this is our Second Trial that we have to complete! Remember?!"

Okay, before we'll see Proto!Lancer gets his ass out of the Men's room of Mall they're in, here's a quick flashback.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Flashback

Your Second Trial will begin at the Shopping Mall.
Here is the location you start.
Ask one of the workers of the Information Desk's Lost and Found and tell them this:

"Have you seen our FABULOUS Case around here?"

Once you are given, enter the Lavatory on First Floor near the Main Entrance.
Open the Case and Read the Instructions.

"Okay seriously, what the Hell is with this guy?" Proto!Lancer twitch in annoyance, after recovering himself from the Swingset incident, before looking up at the destination that they are in.

"Only one way to find out, Se-kun."

So the two finally arrived at the Shopping Mall, as the approached to the Information Desk, the person who's working at the Lost and Found section was none other than Siegfried, Saber from Fate/Apocrypha, dressed in some black-and-white uniform while writing something on a piece of paper, looking bored.

"Yo, I didn't realize you work here." Proto!Lancer greeted, "How's your day?"

Siegfried looks up at the two with an unreadable expression, "..."

"... Oh yeah, I forgot that you're mute. Sorry, man."

"..."

"... Look, are you still mad about the Christmas Present we got for you?"

"..."

"Oh c'mon! How the Hell should we know that it could create such a disaster back then?" Proto!Lancer yelled while slamming both his hands on the counter, "It's all in the Past, dammit! MOVE. ON!!"

"..."

Yeah, the Christmas incident... that's another story that we may or may not talk about it next time.

That's when Enkidu decided to interrupt. "..A-Anyway..." he cleared his throat, look at the paper again to reread the line, and looked at Siegfried and says:

"Have you seen our FABULOUS Case around here?"

Proto!Lancer stared at Enkidu as if he was insane when he made that statement. Enkidu look back at him.

"... What? Isn't that the right way to ask in that form?"

"..." Siegfried stared at Enkidu for a minute before he slowly got up from his seat and went to the back room. Another minute later, Siegfried came back while carrying some kind of briefcase. He stared at the two for a seconds, and then he literally threw the case at Proto!Lancer's face, causing that poor guy to fall on the ground.

Yep, he's still mad...

"Well, thank you Siegfried! Have a nice day!" Enkidu picked up the case and ran to the Men's Room. However, as Enkidu barged in, screams were heard within and most of the men ran out of there while still screaming: "AHH! FEMALE!!!"

... Well, we're still not sure if Enkidu really is a Male or Female... so, let's put that aside for now Until TYPE-MOON confirmed his/her true gender.

As Proto!Lancer got up while easing the sore on his forehead, he went to follow Enkidu. But then stops and looked back at Siegfried one last time, "You do know that we did say that "We're sorry", Right?" Proto!Lancer's eyes were bugged out and quickly dodges the incoming rolling chair that Siegfried just threw at him and made a mad dash to the Restroom.

Yep, their apologies are still not accepted...

Anyway... as Proto!Lancer made it to the Men's Room, he saw Enkidu staring down at the briefcase. A colorful yet disturbing and/or distracting Rainbow-colored Briefcase, covered in glitters and with Rhinestones embroidered "FABULOUS" on top.

Enkidu looked back at Proto!Lancer, "You ready?"

Proto!Lancer nodded as he crouch down and slowly opens the Briefcase. Within the briefcase reveals some kind of costume that they might have recognized from somewhere, an iPod that's attached to portable stereo, a map of the Mall, and an envelop.

Enkidu picks up the envelope, opens it, and they both read the instruction.

The one with Blue Hair,
You must wear this costume and perform this kind of action as demonstrated in the video from the small MP3 device.
Follow the Green Haired One while playing the only song within that device through specific directions according to the Map I have laid out for you.
At the end of your last destination, you will be given the Next Trial.
Do not worry, you are already given the Mall's permission to do this. Thanks to me~
So, ENJOY~! Fufufu!

"...Okay..."

"Se-kun, look."

Proto!Lancer looked at the iPod that Enkidu was holding and saw the only video available in there.

As Enkidu played the video, they both watched to see what Proto!Lancer should do, and he was in shock and horror of what he's seeing.

"No... just, no... No... no... no..."

Yep, this is going to be humiliating for him.

End of Flashback

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Back to Present time

"Don't worry, Se-kun!" Enkidu tries to assure him while standing outside the Restroom's door with an iPod+portable stereo in his hand. "It has a hood right? So nobody would recognize you! ... I think."

"..." Minutes later, Proto!Lancer, donned in Ezio's Assassin attire from Assassin's Creed II/Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood/Assassin's Creed: Revelations, finally came out of the Restroom. "This better be worth it." he muttered with his head concealed in the white hood.

"Trust me! We can do this!" Enkidu pulled out the map, "Okay, we start near the Main Entrance, then to the center, then right, then back to the center, continue to the left side of the Mall, return to the center, then to the escalator, pass by more stores, then wander around every three floors of the Department store, down the escalator, then wander around the Food court, and finally the exit!"

Proto!Lancer groaned.

"Alright! Let's start!" Enkidu turns on the iPod and select the only song available in it to play. Some shoppers walking passed by them were a little bit nervous as if Proto!Lancer was going to assassinate someone, due to that costume that many people recognized it from the Assassin's Creed videogame.

But what got them completely off-guard was when the music starts playing, and when Enkidu starts walking while carrying the MP3 player, Proto!Lancer follows... in an uncomfortable crouching-like manner, with the lyrics playing and repeating in the background:

OPEN THE DOOR! GET ON THE FLOOR! EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR! OPEN THE DOOR! GET ON THE FLOOR! EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR! OPEN THE DOOR! GET ON THE FLOOR! EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR! OPEN THE DOOR! GET ON THE FLOOR! EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR!

Many shoppers were dumbfounded by the sight, which makes Proto!Lancer even more uncomfortable about this.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Near the center

This is going to be the third time of returning to the main center of the mall.

"We're almost there to the center! Anyway, how you doing right now!"

"TORTURE!" Proto!Lancer yelled.

"Don't worry, it'll be over soon... I hope..."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

On the Escalator

"Seriously, why is this escalator is so slow right now?" Enkidu muttered as he and the still dinosaur-walking Proto!Lancer are on the somewhat crowded ascending escalator. Though they got a lot of collective stares from the people, especially the three girls from Homurahara Track Team, on both the descending and the ascending escalators, causing Enkidu to sweat drop.

"N-Nothing to see here, people. Nothing at all. Eh, hehehe?" And yet, the staring continues.

"Fuck. My. LIFE!!" Proto!Lancer cursed under his breath while still walking the Dinosaur.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

In the Department Store

Both of Proto!Lancer's legs are starting to cramp right. Honestly, doing this kind of walk is plain torture to him.

"Okay, we finally complete the Third and the Second Floor, so it's time to make our way to First Floor and then to the Food Court. How you doing?" Enkidu asked while ignoring the stares from Medea and Kuzuki.

"I WANNA DIE!!!" he screamed in agony.

"Hang in there!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

In the Food Court

"We're halfway there! So, don't give up yet!"

"Kill. ME!" Proto!Lancer muttered as he pants and sweats heavily while still doing the Dinosaur in the Food Court, trying to ignore Sakata Kintoki (AKA one of the Berserkers of Fate/Apocrypha), who's rolling on the ground, laughing his ass off while pointing at Proto!Lancer, who he still didn't recognized thanks to the hood.

His legs are getting really sore right now that one of them starting to give out or they might fall off anytime soon.

"ONWARD TO THE EXIT!" Enkidu shouted.

"SHUT UP!" Proto!Lancer is not in a good mood right now...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Near the Exit

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd. HERE WE ARE!" The music finally ended as they reach the Exit! "WE DID IT!!!"

*THUD*

"Se-kun?" Enkidu quickly turned around and saw an exhausted Proto!Lancer, who has already collapse behind him facedown, trying to catch his breath. Enkidu quickly crouch down and shakes him, "Oh boy, Se-kun? You're still alive, right?"

The response Enkidu earned was Proto!Lancer groaning in pain.

"So, you Idiots finally made it?" Enkidu turned his attention to another voice, who happens to be Robin Hood, Archer from Fate/EXTRA, in a Mall Cop uniform. "Well, it's about time you show up, I'm almost missing my Lunch Break right now."

"... Does this mean we get our Third Trial?" Enkidu asked.

Archer looked down at Enkidu, then at the still-fallen Setanta, before shrugging his shoulders and pulled out an envelope and hands it to Enkidu. "Here. Some strange guy with a gas mask told me to wait for you here to give this to you. Anyway, seeya."

"Thanks!" Enkidu waved at Robin, who's heading to the Food Court, and then quickly opens the envelope to see what their Third Trial is.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

TO BE CONTINUED...

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Did anyone miss them? XD

[Dragoon]

Ah yes, the Dinosaur, I remember that...



Anyway, uh... lol