Tohsaka Online (FSN + SAO crossover) BETA thread

[Muramasa]

Theres always the shirou method. Turning something elsr in his body into an actual circuit.

[Mike1984]

Except magic crests can only be implanted into family members with magic circuits -.- that's why one of the worst things that can happen to Magus families is if children are born without circuits, they are not Magus and can't inherit the crest (which is manifested knowledge more or less of the family magecraft) making it the end of the families research most of the time. (Zouken/Matou being the only exception because their magic crest are actually the crest worms i believe and not circuits)

Actually, Zouken still possesses the Matou magic crest. The worms merely act as artificial circuits and allow him to control people.

[Rin-chan Kaihou]

Out of curiosity, why would Shirou have a video game? .

Methinks the mere fact that he gets to practice his sword skills while in his "sleep" would appeal to him very much but I see no other reason he;d have one.

- - - Updated - - -

Out of curiosity, why would Shirou have a video game? .

Methinks the mere fact that he gets to practice his sword skills while in his "sleep" would appeal to him very much but I see no other reason he;d have one.

[dedecou]

Theres always the shirou method. Turning something elsr in his body into an actual circuit.

Unless you want extreme pain and extreme high mortality rate, for something that can't affect SAO world...

Yes it is an issue getting a hip in-plant if you never had a hip in the first place, its the same with magic circuits, giving someone something they never had is BAD, very very bad.

It is impossible to effectively implant circuits unless its a magic crest and passing it on though the family, Command Seal can act as psudocircuits that can be used to channel prana though (again shown by kotomine) but even then you still need circuit to use them in order to produce the prana to pass though them.

Saying that true circuits are creatable is wrong, just dead wrong, as in it can never happen. Please stop trying to make things up about something that is already properly established.

Yup.
You can also use other people circuits as External Hardware as Touko does.

Because of organ rejection issues, yeah. But you don't have to worry about rejecting a metal hip replacement, now do you?

It works completely different, a fact that the Crest, doesn't act as circuits, generating prana from Od and Mana, but storing the knowledgement of the family.

Shinji is useless for a reason, you know.

[ItsaRandomUsername]

Something about SAO being crossed over with the Nasuverse just causes people to come out of the woodwork and rip it apart. Many reasons, yes, but not entirely sure which ones.

[Lycodrake]

Something about SAO being crossed over with the Nasuverse just causes people to come out of the woodwork and rip it apart. Many reasons, yes, but not entirely sure which ones.

Not enough Illya, obviously.

[urca]

Wouldn't it be better if you cancel the post-UBW route and start with the Fate route instead?It can give you more options for writing characters,because you'll only miss Shinji

Not enough Illya, obviously.

And....THIS!!
Ilya fits the nerdy gaming characters (inspired by Carnival Phantasm when she plays a shooting game and rages when the controller's batteries die :P)

Another thing that you should consider is Taiga being in Sword Art Online,she's kickass when it comes to sword fight, but she can be a Klein-like character,you don't have to feature Taiga a lot,but she can have her marks on the story.

[Knick]

Something about SAO being crossed over with the Nasuverse just causes people to come out of the woodwork and rip it apart. Many reasons, yes, but not entirely sure which ones.

I only rip apart major plot holes, i will welcome SAO crossovers as long as someone doesn't have completely glaring holes in the premise

Also there isn't enough Ilya, as lyco said

[dedecou]

Not enough Illya, obviously.

THIS.
We need more Iliya!

[Kelnish]

Something about SAO being crossed over with the Nasuverse just causes people to come out of the woodwork and rip it apart. Many reasons, yes, but not entirely sure which ones.

... did you just equate people with termites? That's not very nice./sarcasm

I dunno, if executed well SAO crossovers can and do work pretty well. It's just most people attempting them seem to be going about it with the good ole "insert single character into the setting and they are awesome but the plot still unfurls exactly the same as it would without them" or "inject aspects of the nasuverse for no real reason where they aren't really applicable and just muddle up the narrative" approaches. Daneel Rush wrote a fun crossover of Hero Slayer's 'Mahou Senki Lyrical Days' setting and SAO that didn't get much flak and avoided most of the pitfalls that draw criticism. For me at least, injecting a single character from Fate into the setting just doesn't make sense and is a big waste of potential. It also doesn't help when the entire premise requires the characters to act OOC for the plot to make sense. There are ways to get Fate characters into the game world without breaking the characterization.

[chronodekar]

Google docs not working. Why can't you post on the site here? :|

Just checked the link. Works for me. As for posting on the site, it's going to be real pain editing my post each time I make changes based on a comment/reply. It's a whole lot easier for me to have just a single document to edit and keep up-to-date as oppossed to different forum posts. As for not being able to access it, ... I'm sorry to hear that, but within a day or so I'll be done making changes and will post the story on my FF.NET profile. You should be able to access the story from www.fanfiction.net then.

Saying that true circuits are creatable is wrong, just dead wrong, as in it can never happen. Please stop trying to make things up about something that is already properly established.

The way I am reading the situation, it should be possible for regular people to have magic circuits naturally. Only magi families would actually develop the still, but out of a random 10000 people, it should easily be possible to find a significant (NOT majority) number of them with circuits that they never use. Take Shirou for example - if the Fuyuki fire never happened, he would very well have gone on with his like not knowing a thing about magic.

That said, Kayaba is going with the assumption that it should be possible to "somehow" artificially make circuits where they cannot possibly exit. It's part of his delusional plan to expose magecraft.

insert single character into the setting and they are awesome but the plot still unfurls exactly the same as it would without them

This IS similar to the direction I'm planning, but I'd rather not have events unfurl EXACTLY the same. Take Kirito joining Klein for example - in canon they split up at that point.

@Thread,
Is the grammar/spelling good? I find it a bit weird that no-one has commented in that google document so far ...

-chronodekar

[Bloble]

The way I am reading the situation, it should be possible for regular people to have magic circuits naturally. Only magi families would actually develop the still, but out of a random 10000 people, it should easily be possible to find a significant (NOT majority) number of them with circuits that they never use. Take Shirou for example - if the Fuyuki fire never happened, he would very well have gone on with his like not knowing a thing about magic.

That said, Kayaba is going with the assumption that it should be possible to "somehow" artificially make circuits where they cannot possibly exit. It's part of his delusional plan to expose magecraft.

That actually makes sense.

While normally the descendants of magical families are those with circuits, it isn't unusual to find a few oddballs here and there who just happen to be born with them. Shirou is one example, and another is Ciel, who was born with no standing from completely ordinary parents, yet somehow had way more circuits than even Rin.

I think it's reasonably to assume that at least a few people out of 10,000 would have circuits, and it's fine for Kayaba to just be mistaken about their creation.

[Kelnish]

That actually makes sense.

While normally the descendants of magical families are those with circuits, it isn't unusual to find a few oddballs here and there who just happen to be born with them. Shirou is one example, and another is Ciel, who was born with no standing from completely ordinary parents, yet somehow had way more circuits than even Rin.

I think it's reasonably to assume that at least a few people out of 10,000 would have circuits, and it's fine for Kayaba to just be mistaken about their creation.

There's also Ryuunosuke, who was from a line of magus that petered out but had a resurgence in him. He had an unknown number of circuits of unknown quality; although the fact that he and caster seemed to kill all of their victims conventionally rather than caster eating them leads one to believe that he was generating enough prana to support a servant's existence.

[Knick]

The mistaken part shouldn't be a factor though, if Kayaba knows about magic he should know its fundamental principals, like magecraft/magic gets weaker the more people use it, or magecraft is something that science can do though different means, that magecraft causes pain to the user due to its unnatural nature (normally, this is blocked out though with enough training), etc.

Also even if Kayaba is crazy he is still a genius, so he would know the extents the mage association would go to cover it up and wouldn't try to reveal magecraft cause all it will effectively do is get tons of people killed.

Finally, being born with circuits even though ya have no lineage. Yes this is a way to circumvent it but the fact that people like Shirou and Ciel are rare, like outstandingly rare. So rare in fact I wouldn't be surprised that Shirou before the fire was like one of a few normal people that had magic circuits but no mage linage, considering that in japan the city with the lowest population is still around 20x what SAO has, the chances of someone having magic potential is very very small. But there are ways to work around this so ill give ya the benefit of the doubt here.

I'm not trying to bash your story or anything its just there are things you should really work out.

[ItsaRandomUsername]

Not enough Illya, obviously.

yes plox

[SeiKeo]

Finally, being born with circuits even though ya have no lineage. Yes this is a way to circumvent it but the fact that people like Shirou and Ciel are rare, like outstandingly rare. So rare in fact I wouldn't be surprised that Shirou before the fire was like one of a few normal people that had magic circuits but no mage linage, considering that in japan the city with the lowest population is still around 20x what SAO has, the chances of someone having magic potential is very very small. But there are ways to work around this so ill give ya the benefit of the doubt here.

You don't actually know how common magic circuits are in the mundane population - just a note. People like Shirou and Ciel, of course, but in general, circuit prevalence is unknown.

[Tertium]

This IS similar to the direction I'm planning, but I'd rather not have events unfurl EXACTLY the same. Take Kirito joining Klein for example - in canon they split up at that point.

-chronodekar

Note: if you don't want to read all this text, skip to the last four words. You do want to be careful about this though, small changes like having Kirito stick with Klein, for instance, can have significant changes on the plot. For instance, Kirito isn't liable to end up able to super level like he was when he was soloing. Considering the butterfly effect, he's membership in a guild would also probably lead to him not ever joining up with the Black Cats of the Moon, which will have a significant difference on how his character develops, which could mean that, for instance, because he's out partying with Klein, someone like Scilica could get killed when he saved them in canon. Then you have to take into consideration that he won't have the same feelings of guilt that he had from abandoning Klein right from the start, which will also affect how he develops. A major change like adding someone incredibly awesome is liable to have major changes down the line, since if, for instance, if Kayaba is aware of the Mage's Association, he probably know of the members in Japan, so he is liable to know about the Tohsaka family and if he realizes who Rin is he is likely to pay a lot of attention to what he is doing, which could affect his behavior as Heathcliff, so you want to be careful, and avoid railroading the plot like a lot of authors do, and just have that one really awesome character in a scene just destroy everything else but still have characters and plot develop exactly the same way. Basically, beware the butterfly effect.

[ItsaRandomUsername]

You don't actually know how common magic circuits are in the mundane population - just a note. People like Shirou and Ciel, of course, but in general, circuit prevalence is unknown.

It'd also make sense that circuit prevalence in a population would also be higher in a location with strong spiritual land as opposed to a location that doesn't.

[SeiKeo]

@Thread,
Is the grammar/spelling good? I find it a bit weird that no-one has commented in that google document so far ...

-chronodekar

Your spelling is fine. Your grammar is questionable in places, mostly having to do with dialogue. Look up how to transition in and out of speech again, especially regarding comma use as such. If someone shouts, that's what explanation points are meant for, they don't bite. Because I'm bored, this is some bleh out of the doc commented for major things. No actual changes to the text were done.


With a very angry voice she demanded, “Are you trying to tell me that I am unable to understand how you play a stupid game?!?” Very angry is sort of redundant, you can just cut to angry. The degree is obvious from context. Do not use multiple punctuation in real writing, it's terrible.

With a very audible stutter he replied, “N-n-no! That’s not i-it at all Rin!” he opened his palms out in front of his body and tried to pacify her. You cannot actually open your palms.

Angrily she grabbed him by the front of his shirt and threw him off the bed. She then picked up the NerveGear helmet from the table.

From the floor her red haired husband looked up with concern and asked, “R-Rin? What are you doing?” I think I see an aversion to commas - they can exist nicely. For example, after angrily in the line above.

“I’m going to prove to you that I am most certainly capable of understanding computers by playing this game for a few hours!”

As she settled herself on the bed he came near and asked, “But what about dinner? You said you wanted to cook tonight!" You don't need every speech section to be introduced by an I-don't-know-the-technical-term - said, exclaimed, etc. Much of the time, that can be told from what they're saying. Including it in every sentence also makes your writing sound repetitive.

She pointed to the bedroom door leading to the hallway and said, “I’ve changed my mind. You go make it instead! … Wait, how do you start this thing?” * In general, this is very much x did y, z did v, so on so forth. It sort of reads like a script... which is bad. Tell us why they're doing things, what they think while doing them, because otherwise this is just dialogue with nothing to spark our imagination. Paint a scene. Unlike in a visual medium, you have to convey everything through the text.

Letting out a sigh he answered, “I’ve already configured it. You just need to lie down on the bed and say ‘Link Start’. … But this is the day Sword Art Online launches and I wanted to be among the first to play it!”

Puffing her impressive chest in front of him she replied, “Well then, you can be proud of the fact that your wife will be playing it for you instead! Think of it as a punishment for not giving me a clear answer earlier.”

He tried complaining, “But -”

“I’ve made up my mind. Am I understood?” the tone of her voice did not encourage a difference of opinion. Capitalize 'the,' it's a new sentence.

“Yes dear.” he replied in a sullen voice with a bend head. Transition out of the speech with a comma and start a new sentence. Actually, go over how puncuation and commas work with speech in general. Read all of this: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/566/01/

“Good. Now go and get dinner ready. I’ll join you when I’m done.” she ordered and watched him leave their bedroom.

After he left she put the NerveGear helmet over her head and said, “Link Start!”. She looked on in amazement as all feeling of the room around her vanish when she entered the virtual world. Dissonant: she looked as a feeling left her? Those don't agree. Also, tense agreement.

Little did Rin know that it would be a very long time before she could return to the real world again.

Kirito blinked as he materialized in the middle of the plaza. Not wanting to waste time, he started running towards the west side of the city. He smiled as he ran past the familiar food stalls with the shopkeepers selling their wares. He waved towards a little girl who looked back at him from her window sill.

As he left the marketplace he heard a voice shout out from behind him, “Wait!”​ Go back up to the comment I marked with an asterisk and read it again. It is important. Without adding thoughts, your writing feels soulless and like a book of actions. People are interesting not because of what they do, but why.

Kirito stopped moving and turned around to see a thin man running up to him. The guy had messy purple hair that extended past his neck. He had a red bandana tied over his forehead and was wearing the cream colored variant of the starter clothes that were provided for new players. Given that I'm not familiar with SAO, I don't know what this looks like. I'm sure this is not just my problem.

The newcomer came and stood in front of Kirito. He bent his legs as he tried to catch his breath.

“Oh man, I’ve been calling you since the Plaza! Are your headphones broken or something?”

Kirito blinked in confusion on hearing the question. “Headphones?” he asked. “I don’t think we can use those with the NerveGear helmet over our heads”

The purple haired man just looked back at him with a blank expression over his face. He then blinked and quickly shook his head side-to-side on realizing his mistake. “I’m sorry. Still not used to this game yet.”

He then paused and took a deep breath before speaking, “My name is Klein. What’s yours?”

“I’m Kirito.”

With a smile Klein commented, “You must have been part of the Beta Testing group, weren’t you?”

Surprised, Kirito replied while nodding his head, “Yes, that’s right. But how did you know?”

With a smile Klein answered, “You ran as soon as you entered the game. It was as if you knew your way around already. Only way that could be possible is if you’ve played the game before. Since this is the very day the game was released, the only chance you could have got for that opportunity was during the Beta Testing period a month back!”

Kirito widened his eyes in amazement and exclaimed, “Wow! That’s some impressive deduction.”

Holding himself up with pride Klein responded, “Thank you!”

“I’m guessing that you must be some kind of detective or something?”

Still smiling Klein shook his head as he explained, “Sorry, but that’s not it. I’ve just played too many games before. You always see the beta players running as soon as they log in on the opening day.”

Kirito smiled back saying, “It’s still impressive that you’ve played so much.This game - Sword Art Online is the fourth MMO game I’ve played. And it’s the first time I’ve ever been included as part of a Beta Testing group.”

His companion then raised his right hand and began to scratch the side of his cheek. With a bit of hesitation he asked, “I just met you and this is crazy, but can you help me?”

Kirito started at him in silence for some time. He then started chuckling. “Ha, ha, ha! It’s been awhile since I’ve heard that.”

Klein chucked a bit too and said, “I know. Still good, right?”

Getting his merriment under control Kirito raised one of his eyebrows and asked, “What do you need from me?”

Klein then clasped both his hands in front of his chest and asked in a pleading voice, “I just unwrapped the game 30 minutes ago and have no idea what to do! Can you please teach me the basics?”

Nothing else comes to mind for the rest of this except previous statements.

[Techlet]

Not enough Illya, obviously.

Oneshot, Ilya meets Yui.

Go.