Doorbell of the Emiya household rang in a demanding manner, catching the attention of Tohsaka Rin, who was currently rather grudgingly carrying a box of rather western-looking Christmas-decorations. So far on her journey from the Tohsaka mansion, the novelty toys in the boxes had went off four times, all screeching of their own sappy Christmas song like they were trying to summon their own Servants.
Rin had heavily suspected a certain bearded, wine-drinking bastard for being responsible of the prank.
“Yes, yes, I’m coming,” Rin sighed and put the boxes down, walking over to the door. She opened it with a grumpy expression plastered across her face. “Sorry, but we’re not buying anything, and I will personally stick one of the singing Christmas-trees back there in the ass of anyone who starts singing carols.”
“Aw, chin up, Tohsaka-nee-san! It’s Christmas, after all!”
Tohsaka Rin wanted to drive the pink-haired boy in front of her right into the snow for using such a sickeningly sweet tone, but decided against it.
“Astolfo. I see you brought the whole gang.”
Behind the door was an array of Servants, both male and female. Atalanta and Frankenstein were carrying mountains of gifts, while most of the rest were showing varying amounts of curiosity at the strange celebration of some bloke who had claimed to be son of God.
“Astolfo. Tone it down, we’re not in a Coca-Cola commercial right now,” Joan sighed and pushed the young man out of her way. “Good day, Rin. Is Saber home?”
“Ah, she’s back in the living room. Apparently there is a fierce competition in arm-wrestling going on between her and Luvia-san, with the prize being the honor of visiting sauna alone with Shirou,” Rin sighed. “I don’t even know why. Both should realize that Shirou will simply slunk out of window before getting naked in a small enclosed space with a woman. We are talking about a person here who nearly had a fit when he realized a female-shaped ancient hero was sleeping in a room next to him.”
“Probably because he realized he could not have his ‘own fun’ at nights,” Shakespeare chuckled, but was promptly hit to the ribs by the elbow of Semiramis.
“Just focus on tragedy, playwright,” the black-haired Servant said. “You’ve lost your touch a bit.”
“Well, it will end up in a tragedy if I don’t do something,” Joan sighed and stepped into the house. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go supervise their little Holy Sauna War before we need to call Church here to alter people’s memories…”
With that, the blonde Servant took off into the house, and disappeared around the corner. Soon enough, there were yells of panic coming from the living room. Rin sighed and gestured the rest of the big group of Servants to step in.
“Ou, baby! Golden Christmas to you!” Sakata Kintoki snapped his fingers at the magus, but only got a blank stare as response.
“Please. I’ve had enough corniness already. If I have to also keep up with this idiot, I’m going to ask those two burly Santas over there,” Rin pointed at Benkei and Spartacus, both dressed as Santa Clauses for some reason. “… to bury their candy canes up your anus. Now move it. You’re letting the cold air in.”
As the Servants got in and started individually heading further into the house, Jack the Ripper walked over to Tohsaka and tugged the hem of her shirt. With slight worry on her face, Rin looked at the white-haired kid and tried to smile.
“W-what is it, Jackie?”
“Are you Cart…..erm, Mother?”
“Wrong Jackie. Get the fitting nose, then we’ll talk,” Rin answered. “But no, I won’t be your mother. They say that the healthcare sucks in that job.”
Jackie clicked her tongue and looked away in annoyance. However, after some thinking, she looked back at Rin.
“Is everything alright? You look… grumpy.”
“Considering I’ve been bossed around by my smugly smiling rival for the past few days, I’d say I’m doing especially good. Especially since it seems that she’s dead-set on stealing my boyfriend,” Rin answered, and then glared at Jack. “And before you say it: Yes, he’s my boyfriend, no matter what that King of Gluttons and the Fish-Bait-Store say.”
“Heeey, Sakura! Did ya hear?” Astolfo suddenly yelled with loud voice in the doorway of the living room. “Your sister just called you---HEGUH!”
Astolfo never saw the state-of-art dropkick that Tohsaka Rin used to hit him straight in the head, shooting him straight through the wall at the end of the corridor.
Back in the living room, the visiting Servants had made themselves home. Although Joan was still acting as the mediator in the quarrel between Saber and Luvia, the others had quickly mingled amongst the original residents of the room. George had found a fanboy for himself in the “man of the house”, as Shirou kept bugging him with questions about becoming Hero of Justice. Karna and Siegfried had been sat down in the kitchen, and both were looking fearfully at each other as Irisviel started preparing a “welcoming feast” for the newcomers. Judging from the amount of spices the homunculus used in the ham, nothing good would come out of it.
Meanwhile, the resident monster-girl-club had gathered, as Rider, Atalanta and Frankenstein sat around another table, chatting about the upcoming influx in purple and breasts, and what it meant for the credibility of the franchise. Whatever that meant. At least David had found something less dangerous to talk about, as him and Kiritsugu had started comparing their experiences as sharpshooters.
“Oh, my!” Irisviel suddenly piped up. “Now that we have so many newcomers here, why don’t we ask them to tell us a Christmas-related story?”
“Ah, a wonderful idea,” Shakespeare agreed immediately. “A certain play of my has some connections to Christmas…”
“Alas, poor Shakespeare. I knew him, Maya; A fellow of infinite irritation, of most annoying fancy; he hath yapped on and on about his great works a thousand times; and now, shalt he open his mouth again about the subject, I shalt stick this jester-skull straight up his anus so that it shalt become an uterus for him,” Semiramis spoke over the playwright’s words, causing the latter to pale as white as the snow outside.
Maya, who had immediately hit it off with the Assassin, smiled darkly. He seemed to find the idea far too pleasing.
“Hm, well…” Rin scratched the back of her head. If she did not do something quickly, the situation would escalate horribly. She glanced at the small child still clutching the hem of her shirt, before finally sighing.
And so, just like that, she sat into a comfy chair at the corner of the room, lifted Jack up and put her on her lap, before looking at the child.
“Why won’t you tell us a story, Jackie? You should have some, no?”
“We… we will try, if that is required of us,” Jack answered in surprise. Her pale cheeks were slightly flushed, but then she bravely turned towards her audience and cleared her throat.
“Some of the courtesans of London used to tell this story to us. It… it went something like this…”
Twelve Days of Yule
Day 2
The Steadfast Breasted Assassin
There were once eighty Assassins. They were all siblings, born from the same weed-smoking old man on the tall mountain, awakened all when he invented another split-personality for himself. They all wore black, carried masks like skulls, and had the tendency of suicidal actions.
The very first thing after summoning that they heard was, “Servant Assassin!” A bored looking priest gazed upon them, while two suspicious older men walked in circle around him, over and over again. This priest immediately started giving them orders, so that they could assist him in the Holy Grail War.
All the Assassins looked pretty much alike except one. She looked a little different as she had been one of the more unpleasant cases of split-personality. She was of normal height and of normal weight. But, alas, she had been cursed with breasts. But there she stood, despite the ogling of the priests and the man in the stuffy red suit. But just you see, she’ll be the remarkable one.
In the Holy Grail War, there were many marvelous battlegrounds, and one that no eye could miss was a very, very unconventional castle in the forest. It had little windows through which you could direct uncontrollable mad destroyers when you searched for your fleeing brother. And inside the castle there was a cold attic where you could force the cretin who your Mistress liked to sleep. All this was very unorthodox but the most unorthodox was the little lady who stood in the open doorway of the castle. Though she was a ether doll, she wore a dress that would have made a certain True Ancestor sue her, had the vampire seen the lady. Her hair were white, yet everyone always claims them to be silver. The little lady waved goodbye for her husband, so that her breasts swayed left and right.
“That would be a woman who knows my pain,” the Assassin thought. “But maybe she’s too idiotic. She lives in a western castle in Japan. No matter how many Boundary Fields you put around it, the tax office will find it anyway, and then there’s a hell to pay. But, maybe I should try.” Still as stiff as when he peeked in the men’s bathroom, she lay down in the forest, where she could survey the movement and actions of the little lady.
When the evening came the other Assasins were called back by their Master, and the actual Servants started fighting. Now started the Holy Grail War, where Assassins had no way of surviving. All around the city both Masters and Servants caused enough destruction to set the debt of the city to red for decades to come. The only two who stayed out of all that were the breasted Assassin and the little homunculus. While breaking every possible traffic law while cruising around the courtyard in her sports-car, the little lady’s breasts swayed from around. Just like did those of the Assassin, as she foolishly attempted to keep her in her sights.
Then the clock struck twelve and – MONGRELS! – up popped the lid of the Gate of Babylon. But there was no Babylon there, because the King of Heroes did not live in Babylon, but in Uruk. In any event, from there appeared Gilgamesh.
“Woman,” he said to Assassin. “You dare to look up to me, dog?” The breasted Assassin hid herself.
Gilgamesh said, “That was a King of Heroes joke. Just you wait till tomorrow.”
But when the morning came, and only the amateurs of the War moved around, the Assassin went to the river to get something to drink. And whether Gilgamesh did it, or there was a gust of wind, all of a sudden the Assassin fell over and pitched out headlong into the river. She travelled at breathtaking speed, straight into the sewers. High heavens! How the waves splashed, and how fast the water ran down the sewer. Don’t forget that it was Fuyuki, and if it there wasn’t a battle featuring Excalibur, there would be a dramatically convenient snow falling from the sky, which would met into water. The Assasin pitched, and tossed, and sometimes she whirled around so rapidly that it made her head spin. But she stood as steady as ever. Never once flinching, she kept her eyes front, and protected her breasts with her hands. Suddenly, she rushed under a long plank where the half-pipe was boarded over. It was as dark as the Assassin’s skin.
“Where can I be going?” Assassin wondered. “This must be that King of Heroes’ revenge! Ah! If only it hadn’t been a sewer-level! They are so tedious!”
Out popped a bulgy-eyed Caster who lived in under the plank.
“ARE YOU MY HOLY VIRGIN!?” he howled. “JEAAAAAANNU!!”
Assassin kept quiet and protected her breasts tighter. On, in the current, she rushed, and the Caster came right after her, gnashing his teeth as he called to the murderer who was unnervingly popular amongst internet-girls.
“HALT HER! SHE IS THE LIGHT THAT WAS ROBBED FROM ME! MY JEAAAANNNU!” But the current ran stronger and stronger. The Assassin could see daylight ahead where the sewer-pipe ended, but she could also hear the roar that was unmistakable thanks to hundreds of adventure-movies. Hold on! Right at the end of the sewer-pipe the water poured into the river. It was a waterfall so conveniently placed that Assassin’s face met her palm faster than even she had anticipated.
She was so near she could not possibly stop. She plunged into the whirlpool. She stayed still as staunch as she could, and no one can say that she so much as blinked an eye. Thrice and again she spun around. And down she went, deeper, deeper, deeper. The water rushed over her head. She thought of the idiotic little homunculus whom she’d never see again, and in her ears rang an old, old song.
“It’s my life, it’s now or never,
I’m gonna live forever!”
And now she sank into the dark. And just at that moment, she was caught in an enormous barrel.
My! How dark it was inside that barrel. It was darker than in the sewers and it was so cramped, but the breasted Assassin was still perky. She lay there full length, while protecting her breasts.
Then the barrel spun and spin like it had been used by a gorilla to attack an Italian plumber. Finally it was perfectly still, and after a while something struck through the barrel’s top like a flash of lightning. The breasted Assassin saw daylight again, and she heard a voice say, “An Assassin!” the barrel had been sold as wine to a gullible King of Conquerors, and now, in the middle of the Mad Feast of Kings, he had found unexpected spoils inside the barrel.
He picked the Assassin up bodily between his two ham-fists, and threw her into a bed of flowers. The kings did not care about this curious travellers, especially not after the King of Heroes had opened his frat keg. But she saw the same sky, the same Servants, the same Assassins hiding on the rooftops. That touched the Assassin so deeply that she would have cried tears, only she lacked tear-ducts, being Assassin and all. And she saw the homunculus lady, too. Just as things were going so nicely for them, one of the Kings revved up his Noble Phantasm, and suddenly they were in a desert. He did it for no reason at all. That King of Heroes must have put him up to it.
The breasted Assassin stood there, on the sand. She felt terrible heat, but whether it came from the scorching sun or the irony of the situation, she didn’t know. She’d lose her splendid head, maybe from the sword of Iskander, maybe from cursing her own idiocy, nobody can say.
She looked at the little homunculus, and she looked at her, and she felt himself fall down. But still her breasts jutted steadfast, both nipples pointing straight ahead.
Then the Reality Marble disappeared. The Holy Grail continued like that. In the end, the priest strangled the little homunculus lady too. She ended up as the contents of the grail that had been corrupted thanks to her predecessor who did not read the manual of his Servant. And so, in the next war, when the protagonist was struck by the said mud from the said grail, he was left wondering why the words that assaulted him were nothing but:
BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS
The End.
“ALRIGHT, enough about the breasts!”
Tohsaka Rin’s yell was eventually what broke off the endless litany of the same word that streamed out of Jack the Ripper’s mouth. Rin smacked the kid on the head, causing her to yelp and cover at her lap. Thankfully, it seemed that the rest of the audience had decided to act as if there had been nothing seriously wrong in the previous story, now chatting happily about what good things the story had reminded them off.
“Well, can you blame her?” A voice next to Rin suddenly asked. Luvia stood there, smiling at Jack who was now sulking like a cat. “She had a good reason to do it.”
“And what would that be? Does she want to get breast-feed or something?” Rin growled under her breath, so that the Servant did not hear.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Luvia smiled strangely. “She was trying to get a reaction out of you. One that would show that you cared.”
Tohsaka Rin found herself, for the first time in quite a while, unable to retort. As the implications of Luvia’s words sank into her, she found herself looking at the kid-like Servant, who was now curled up on her lap, having dozed off as the adults were talking.
“Reaction, huh?” Rin asked, before looking at Luvia with a cocked eyebrow. “Does it seem weird?”
“On the contrary,” Luvia chuckled. “It seems perfectly natural. Only mothers would get angry when their kid would misbehave.”
Rin smiled back at Luvia, unable to even get angry at her rival. Then, with an expression that was a mix of surrender and amused amazement, she looked once more at Jack, before petting her head.
“Sure. I guess it’s not that bad, huh?”
Originally Posted by Verg Avesta
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