Elf's Guide to Writing Lemons!

[Techlet]

I don't want any ones nowhere near me, except the built-in one.

I don't know, I think even a straight man can appreciate a good looking penis.

[Enhance]

I don't know, I think even a straight man can appreciate a good looking penis.

Not sure if I get what you're talking about, but I don't want them exposed near me either way.

[Gunbazca]

*is waiting warmly for the 'writing lilies' part*

...what? It's a valid interest, not like you can J-J-JAM IT IN in a yuri lemon unless toys are involved.

[Techlet]

...what? It's a valid interest, not like you can J-J-JAM IT IN in a yuri lemon

Most girls come equipped with hands.

[I3uster]

Fifty Shades of Grey is a good reference in that fiction needn't be a 100% accurate representation of what actually happens in real life. Erotic writings doesn't have to conform to reality, and readers of such materials might not want it to.


I'm a bit disappointed with this guide actually, since it didn't really show how to write a lemon. No word choice, no examples, no analysis of why those examples work, why certain things are hot, what's the psychology behind people's enjoyment of lemons and how you can take advantage of that, but basically a dry listing of basic things not to do and regurgitation of common knowledge:

No 24 inch cock.
No giant hissing coiling python.

Sucking a man's penis makes him feel good.
The human body does not squirt a lot of semen.


In fact, for the last one, that basically ignores the possibility that there might be a reason for the common occurrence of that event, other than that the writers are hacks who have no grounding in reality. (They are usually male, they usually have a penis, and they, at the least, masturbate, so determine from there whether or not they know what's the normal amount of semen ejected.)

Here's hoping maybe that's just because Elf is talking about a penis.

This...seems to be the first entry in a series, so you can hardly criticize it for being incomplete.
Pretty much just getting the basics out of the way first.

[Gore]

I don't know, I think even a straight man can appreciate a good looking penis.

Well, my appetite's gone.

And no, we can not.

[Techlet]

This...seems to be the first entry in a series, so you can hardly criticize it for being incomplete.
Pretty much just getting the basics out of the way first.

Yeah. It wouldn't do to start right off with why "He drove his shaft of virility deep into my lady flower, and stroked my bud of everlasting pleasure with his thumb" is bad writing before you establish the mechanics of how and where a penis usually goes.

[Vigilantia]

Truth be told, a lot of what can be said about bad lemons can be summed up on TV trope's articles on Porn and Sex (or more likely, the topics will be explaining how you're NOT supposed to show porn and sex). Like IKEArotica.

[I3uster]

Well, my appetite's gone.

And no, we can not.

Your appetite is gone when someone even mentions a penis?
Do you have to look straight when you shower to not throw up?
Can you fap to anything that's not lesbian porn?

[Gore]

Your appetite is gone when someone even mentions a penis?
Do you have to look straight when you shower to not throw up?
Can you fap to anything that's not lesbian porn?

Who said I watch/read/listen/think about porn at all? I came here out of boredom, and because I thought topic would be funny.

And it was more of the idea of "appreciating" a penis, or the idea of a good looking one at all.

Not that the female equipment is any better. :/

[KooriRenchuu]

Well, my appetite's gone.

And no, we can not.

And you call yourself the Lord of Insanity, for shame.

[Enhance]

Who said I watch/read/listen/think about porn at all?

Your existence itself.

I thought to point out it's the "appreciation" part too, but I'm not exactly disgusted by thinking about junk, not to the point where I'd lose my appetite over it.

[Techlet]

Who said I watch/read/listen/think about porn at all? I came here out of boredom

You clicked on a guide to writing porn, what did you expect to see?

[The Curious Fan]

Plus one good shot to the penis and his two dirty pillows and a guy’s out for the count for a while. Cunt punt a girl? Chances are she’s going to be back in your face double quick.

*considers sharing story about that featuring a metal tipped umbrella*

*reconsiders*

I mean, don’t describe the penis as average, but don’t get specific about how large a character’s Johnson is, because chances are what you describe is going to be a two liter bottle.

Isn't that from the Anita Blake series?

All in all, good guide so far.

[Gabriulio]

Wow, you actually posted it. Either way, imma gonna follow this.

[Spinach]

Who said I watch/read/listen/think about porn at all? I came here out of boredom, and because I thought topic would be funny.

And it was more of the idea of "appreciating" a penis, or the idea of a good looking one at all.

Not that the female equipment is any better. :/

I have some very important advice for you.

Don't read Berserk.

It is the most penis worshiping thing.

[Gunbazca]

Most girls come equipped with hands.

No, i mean the nuances the technical aspects and all that.

That, and in my head Hands + J-J-J-JAM IT IN = Fisting, which i don't really dig.

[Elf]

I'm a bit disappointed with this guide actually, since it didn't really show how to write a lemon. No word choice, no examples, no analysis of why those examples work, why certain things are hot, what's the psychology behind people's enjoyment of lemons and how you can take advantage of that, but basically a dry listing of basic things not to do and regurgitation of common knowledge:

No 24 inch cock.
No giant hissing coiling python.

Sucking a man's penis makes him feel good.
The human body does not squirt a lot of semen.

I guess you missed the whole part about this not being finished and there being multiple parts then. Like the whole, "Next Time!" bit at the bottom.

First there's the anatomy lesson. Then you get into the writing. A lot of lemons I've read, even a few on this forum, need the anatomy lesson before getting into the good stuff.

[Enhance]

At the very least, I learned about some tableware today. That's kinda useful.

[Aiden]

You should include a link to this in your signature when it's done, Elf.

If you don't, I'll put it in mine and go 'No really, don't try to write porn unless you've read this.'