Elf's Guide to Writing Lemons!

[Elf]

How to Write Lemons
(Or How to Make Your Porn Not Suck, Unless It Needs To.)

Know Your Anatomy!

If you don’t know how boy parts and girl parts work, then just stop right now. I mean, really, just stop. Then read this because not only I’ve done a lot of research, has a father who is a nurse, but I’ve also had sex! So, here’s your Anatomy 101.

The Penis

The male reproductive organ, the mighty penis. You know what, on second thought the penis really isn’t all that mighty. You try shoving a baby through that thing and see what happens. It would end up looking like one of those creepy air things you see at Oil Changing stations that are suppose to look like people but look like eldridge abominations. Plus one good shot to the penis and his two dirty pillows and a guy’s out for the count for a while. Cunt punt a girl? Chances are she’s going to be back in your face double quick.

Anyway, back to the penis.

Average length for a penis is about 6 inches for an American male, about 5.1-5.5 for an Asian. Most dudes don’t have foot long monsters that are as thick as a coke can. Besides the vagina only goes so far, but that’s going to be in the next section. I mean, don’t describe the penis as average, but don’t get specific about how large a character’s Johnson is, because chances are what you describe is going to be a two liter bottle.

Which is utterly terrifying. Now if you’re going for horror, then that’s okay. And no butt nor vagina wants that going into them. (Well, I’m sure you can google porn of it, but . . . that’s your decision, you weirdo.)

When describing a dick, use your judgment. Read what you wrote and think, “Do I want this anywhere near me?” If not, then go back to the drawing board. Also have someone read the descriptions as well. If they wince, then it’s no good.

Anyway, writing about getting a guy off is a lot easier than writing getting a girl off. Stimulation of the penis is pretty subjective. Stroke the shaft, suck the head (even though to switch it off some guys don’t like having the head of their dick messed with that much), etc. However there’s a pretty good size vein along the penis that apparently drives guys wild if it’s fondled, licked, and so on and so forth. (And it pulsates too, so there’s some good description to give your porn that extra bit of realism.)

Another thing? I don’t care what doujinshi you’ve been reading, but guys don’t come buckets and buckets of semen. Sorry to burst your bubble, but most men ejaculate 0.1 to 10 milliliters of semen when they orgasm. There are five milliliters in a teaspoon, and fifteen in a tablespoon. So most guys don’t jack off cups and cups of splooge when they go off.

If you’re writing a male character that is born before the 1880’s and not Jewish, they’re going to have a foreskin on their penis. Hell, today it’s pretty much the US that still regularly circumcises male babies. Over in Europe it’s not that popular. There are a couple of reasons why.

Main theory that’s been shot around is that the foreskin is extremely sensitive. The research isn’t conclusive, there’s arguments about it, but it’s said to have erogenous nerve endings. It also acts to protect the head of the penis, therefore making it more sensitive. The foreskin, most of the time unless the guy has phimosis (which means the foreskin cannot contract completely), will retract when the penis becomes erect.

It also produces its own lubricants to an extent to help make intercourse easier. Because of how the foreskin functions and where it’s located, there’s less chance of a vagina losing its lubrication during sex. The foreskin also provides a “gliding” motion that can make intercourse more enjoyable and less abrasive than a circumcised penis. Also, but take this with a grain of salt, that the foreskin helps stimulate the G-spot in women. However, see what’s said about the G-spot about being a moot point in the vagina section.

I don’t know how those statements are true. I’ve never had sex with a guy with a foreskin. I’d advise asking someone who has and who has one.

Also, circumcised penises can have tiny scars under the head from when they were removed. There’s an extra bit of detail for you. That I find kind of sexy because I have a little bit of a scar fetish.

However neat and random fact, semen does contain mood enhancing chemicals in it. It can also make a vagina more sensitive and receptive to stimulation. It can also make a woman pregnant.

Also, stimulating the testacies can be a mixed bag. Some guys like it, some guys are like, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYS?” It’s something you just have to play by ear and decide what the male character likes.

Part Two: The Vagina
Part Three: Surprise! Buttsex and Lubricants
Writing Tips & Word Choices
Know Your Kink
Stop! Sample Time

[Aiden]

OH hey, you're finally posting this!

Hurray!

[Elf]

Yeah, I'll post each part once I get it done. Ironically, the penis is probably the shortest part. The part about vagina anatomy is already longer and not even half way finished yet.

[Spinach]

Oh, is it that time already?

[Aiden]

Sad thing is, there isn't a lot to the penis that needs describing.

Guys are pretty simple in this regard, and you basically nailed the few exceptions to the trend that I can think of.

[Kiiam]

You know, at first I chuckled when reading this until I recalled the massive amount of lemons I read that made me shudder in revulsion by the descriptions of the male and female genitalia and the act itself and realized... you're doing good work posting this. It is a message that needs to be spread. Sex-Ed for writers is a must read, and Elf, I'm honestly glad you're the one providing it.

[Elf]

I mean, the penis is REALLY simple. It's basically a stick with a head.

The vagina is like an X-Box controller. One miss slip of the finger and GAME OVER.

You know, at first I chuckled when reading this until I recalled the massive amount of lemons I read that made me shudder in revulsion by the descriptions of the male and female genitalia and the act itself and realized... you're doing good work posting this. It is a message that needs to be spread. Sex-Ed for writers is a must read, and Elf, I'm honestly glad you're the one providing it.

Thank you!

I'm doing my civic duty as a poster.

Seriously, anatomy lesson first. Then to the fun stuff.

[Aiden]

I mean, the penis is REALLY simple. It's basically a stick with a head.

The vagina is like an X-Box controller. One miss slip of the finger and GAME OVER.

Also very difficult to get a handle on, if you're referring to the original ridiculously huge ones.

[Asdfghl]

You know, at first I chuckled when reading this until I recalled the massive amount of lemons I read that made me shudder in revulsion by the descriptions of the male and female genitalia and the act itself and realized... you're doing good work posting this. It is a message that needs to be spread. Sex-Ed for writers is a must read, and Elf, I'm honestly glad you're the one providing it.

This. It needed to be done.

[Elf]

Also very difficult to get a handle on, if you're referring to the original ridiculously huge ones.

Yep, those are exactly the ones I'm talking about.

[In-N-Out Double-Double & Animal Fries]

Elf teaches sex ed

this can only end in tears

[Vigilantia]

Elf teaches sex ed

this can only end in tears

Naive student: Professor Barnes, could you reference some examples? Is 50 Shades of Grey a good reference?

Ow, ow, alright, I kid, I kid.

[Enhance]

It can also make a woman pregnant.

I don't read fanfics so much, so I don't really know, but if people seriously write fanfics without knowing that much it's pretty horrifying. Good job at writing out the necessities, Elf.

[Techlet]

Someone put a scale on this and it could make a pretty swell size guide.

[Soldat der Trauer]

^^Yeah, same here. I've never really come across that sort of issue in other fanfics, but then again, the vast majority of lemons I have read are produced by members on this forum.

[Keyne]

Very insightful. I shall take notes and await further info.

[ratstsrub]

Naive student: Professor Barnes, could you reference some examples? Is 50 Shades of Grey a good reference?

Ow, ow, alright, I kid, I kid.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a good reference in that fiction needn't be a 100% accurate representation of what actually happens in real life. Erotic writings doesn't have to conform to reality, and readers of such materials might not want it to.


I'm a bit disappointed with this guide actually, since it didn't really show how to write a lemon. No word choice, no examples, no analysis of why those examples work, why certain things are hot, what's the psychology behind people's enjoyment of lemons and how you can take advantage of that, but basically a dry listing of basic things not to do and regurgitation of common knowledge:

No 24 inch cock.
No giant hissing coiling python.

Sucking a man's penis makes him feel good.
The human body does not squirt a lot of semen.


In fact, for the last one, that basically ignores the possibility that there might be a reason for the common occurrence of that event, other than that the writers are hacks who have no grounding in reality. (They are usually male, they usually have a penis, and they, at the least, masturbate, so determine from there whether or not they know what's the normal amount of semen ejected.)

Here's hoping maybe that's just because Elf is talking about a penis.

[Techlet]

50 Shades is only a good reference in respect to middle aged women who haven't discovered free porn.

[Keyne]

No giant hissing coiling python.

Day = made

[Enhance]

(They are usually male, they usually have a penis, and they, at the least, masturbate, so determine from there whether or not they know what's the normal amount of semen ejected.).

This guide seems to be directed at women, though.

Read what you wrote and think, “Do I want this anywhere near me?” If not, then go back to the drawing board.

I don't want any ones nowhere near me, except the built-in one.