Fate/Regalia Interrogation Room

[Spinach]

Dreamer: Hello there and good evening my diligent and devoted fans, welcome to another installment of the Interrogation Room! I’m Dreamer.

Noelle: And I am Noelle Fontaine.

Dreamer: And tonight we’re giving you an up close and personal look into the minds and hearts of the well-known William Tenevere and his trusty Servant, Archer.

Noelle: Plenty of you have sent in questions for our special guests. Some good, most bad, and a few almost as good as mine would be if I had sent any in.

Dreamer: And plenty more of you were too useless or too cowardly to send any at all!

Noelle: But let’s not dwell on you, the audience’s, shortcomings.

Dreamer: The greatest Ultima Ratio newcomer and his subpar Master proudly present…

Noelle: …

Dreamer: William Tenevere, the man who has yet to conquer the automobile, and Archer, the Servant so indecisive that it can’t decide what to look like, and I can’t tell you what its gender even is! William, Archer, is there anything you would like to say before we get started?

[Katie]

William: I'd like a smoke.

Archer: And I'd like a beer, Master. Wanna go drinking afterwards?

William: Yeah, sure. Not like I have much of a choice.

Archer: Come on, don't be sour! No matter how empty your wallet is, a night's worth of drinking makes any man feel better!

William: Yeah, alright. Got anything to else to say?

Archer: I'm not indecisive, I'm simply flexible.

William: I'd do the punchline for you, but I'm a bit too tired for that.

Archer: What a killjoy.

[Spinach]

Dreamer: I’d offer you a smoke but my Master practically begged me to keep tobacco away from the interview, so tough luck my friend.

Noelle: Begged? I ordered you.

Dreamer: It’s not an order if you use the word please.

Noelle: I never said please. But more importantly… what is the meaning of… Archer, why are you… me? Not that it’s a problem, of course, two of me doubles the quality of the interview, but… Why?

Dreamer: Please, Noelle, tonight isn’t about you. It’s about William and Archer. Let’s not drag this interview away from our guests.

Noelle: Fine, then I will take the lead and ask the first question. Let’s start with something basic.

Dreamer: And we have lots of basic.

Noelle: This first question is for you, Archer. What is your objective in OLYMPUS? What do you want to accomplish?

Dreamer: Then I’ll move in on William here. Are you interested in joining a second club? If so, which one? If not, would you like to start a Tobacco Club with me?

Noelle: Nobody submitted anything about a Tobacco Club.

Dreamer: I did. Just now. So, what do you say, my good friend William?

[Katie]

Archer: Well, if you don't like it, Noelle, I can always run outside and see if I can flirt with Jacques like this.

William: Damn, that escalated fast.

Archer: You know I don't live for the mundane, Will. Anyway, my goal on Olympus is to live life like how I see it; been along time since I was born and I want to experience everything new about the world, live in the now. My glory's old and busted. So, really, I don't have any goals but helping my pal here! *Puts her(?) shoulder around Will*

William: I... Thanks? As for the Tobacco Club idea, I think we could probably gather up enough people, Dreamer. God this place is ridiculous. And I wouldn't mind.

Archer: Didn't you say your sister hated you smoking?

William: What she doesn't know won't kill her.

[Spinach]

Noelle: Oh, no no, I don’t dislike it at all! I was simply curious. Though the more I think about it the more I understand. After all, who wouldn’t want to be me?

Dreamer: You shouldn’t worry too much about if Noelle doesn’t like it, Archer. Rather, I’m worried about you. How can you live with the wrinkly face of an old lady like that?

Noelle: Wrinkly? Old?

Dreamer: But that was a great answer you had there, Archer. You and I might get along if you weren’t so ugly.

Noelle: Ugly?

Dreamer: And William my friend, glad to hear you’re up for it. We can work on that as soon as this one here summons me. So never. Next questions! Let’s get a little less basic. Just a little though. This set comes as a pair.

Noelle: Why you-

Dreamer: William, what do you think of your ever growing harem? Jade, Sarah, Symphony, Lapis, Four... Who will you aim for next?

Noelle: Don’t you ignore me.

Dreamer: Archer, what do you think of your Master's ever growing harem?"

[Katie]

Archer: Ah, I'd love to be friends, Dreamer.

William: ...

Archer: But more seriously, I think it's perfectly fine. I had something of the sort in my youth, and while I did eventually settle down, I don't see how it's anything problematic. A man who doesn't have a few women to pick from is either fantastically faithful or utterly pathetic.

William: ...

Archer: Need a drink, Will? You look sick.

William: It's not a harem. They're just friends, my sister, and my fiancee. Finally, I'd rather die than spend the rest of my life with Four. Talking to her is like stepping into a room with Legos scattered across the floor.

Archer: A bit harsh, aren't you?

William: Don't like vampires. Speaking of which, pink?

Archer: I'm trying new things, Will.

William: ...I see.

[Spinach]

Dreamer: Sorry, Archer, but you are forever tainted. The new look is too little too late. Our friendship is simply not to be. And if Will’s opinion of Four is anything to go by it looks like my dear Master is just as incompatible with your Master as you are with me, Archer.

Noelle: Archer, you seem to have rather unique standards to judge a man by. I was planning to save this one for later in the interview but you’ve made me curious. On a scale of 1 to 10, how compatible would you say that Will and Archer are as partners?

Dreamer: As partners in both senses. You forgot the last part, Noelle.

Noelle: I did not forget it. I purposefully cut it to maintain some sense of professionalism in this interview, something an immature punk like you doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand.

Dreamer: There’s no professionalism in butchering the questions submitted by my fans.

Noelle: Your fans?

Dreamer: Well, they could be fans of Archer and Will too.

[Katie]

Archer: Ah, that's too bad, Dreamer. As for partnership, I'd rate us at a six when it comes to combat or whatever you want to call it. Your go, Will.

William: Man, who the hell sent these questions? I think Archer's right about the six.

Archer: As for the other sense... Nine? Ten?

William: I don't even know what fucking gender you are, if you have one.

Archer: Still pretty high, kid. You just need to be less down and not a virgin and then I could fall right into your poorly toned arms.

William: I swear, you're fucking with me.

Archer: Maybe. Just maybe.

[Spinach]

Noelle: So, a rather poor compatibility for combat. I cannot see you two climbing the Duel Chart with this kind of compatibility. Another pair to mark as a non-factor. Good to know.

Dreamer: But an amazing score in the other sense! I guess no duo is a true failure combo in all aspects. When two people come together there’ll always be something they work well together in. Glad to see you two found that special thing.

Noelle: Yes, quite a ‘good’ score there. Though now I have to know. Archer, are you a man or a woman? You can be honest. If you do not want to say so publicly, you can whisper the answer to me.

Dreamer: Is that going to be our next question?

Noelle: Is there a reason it should not be?

Dreamer: No, no, it’s actually good. You did something well for once, but it’s not enough. Will, here’s another question from the viewers. What is your fetish and why is it incest?

[Katie]

William: I'd like to inform the audience that whomever sent in the question addressed to me is a huge fucking faggot of the highest order.

Archer: Maybe you should take a breather, Will.

William: Nah, forget it. Anyway, brunettes are more my thing.

Archer: Are you saying it just to appease your fiancee?

William: Does it matter?

Archer: I suppose, but you don't seem to think so, so I'll take it as genuine. As for my gender...

William: Decline to answer?

Archer: No, I'm a... Actually, you're right, it's more fun that way.

[Spinach]

Noelle: Quite the overreaction, William.

Dreamer: And a boring answer. ‘Brunettes are more my thing?’ Archer, how do you live with somebody this boring?

Noelle: Now there’s a good question.

Dreamer: Of course. Do tell, Archer. As for Will…

Noelle: How about this one?

Dreamer: Oh, that one.

Noelle: Yes, that one.

Dreamer: Alright then! No backing out of this one, give us a straight answer. Will. Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sarah, Jade, Symphony.

[Katie]

William: Son of a bitch.

Archer: I mean, sometimes, he's boring. Sometimes, he's entertaining. I have my moments, Dreamer, and so does he. I can't fault him for not being entertaining all the time. It's innate talent that makes you entertaining. He gets frustrated a lot, though, so I guess it's fun to watch him be mad.

Archer: As for William's question, fuck Jade, marry Sarah, kill Symphony.

William: The hell?

Archer: I'd impersonate you and fuck your sister, you know.

William: I-I just—Whatever. Marry Jade, fuck Sarah, kill Symphony. Happy?

Archer: I'm surprised you answered.

William: As you said, it's more entertaining that way, goddamnit.

[Spinach]

Noelle: Yes, very happy. You finally gave a half decent answer. The only thing I could ask for now is for you to explain your answer.

Dreamer: But there’s no way you’d do that, now is there?

Noelle: Perhaps Archer here might be willing to do so?

Dreamer: A good suggestion. While Archer’s at it, she, he, he-she. He-she works. He-she can tell us what he-she thinks of William’s own answer.

Noelle: Now that is an interesting idea. Dreamer, maybe I was wrong about you.

Dreamer: Oh, how so?

Noelle: Perhaps you are not totally useless.

Dreamer: Are you trying to say that I’m a good interviewer?

Noelle: I would choose a more mild word than ‘good,’ but something along those lines. With time, and by following my example, you may improve enough for me to say that you make a passable interviewer.

Dreamer: Ahh, Master, for you to find the strength of heart to compliment another, even in a roundabout way, pigs must be flying outside even as we speak. To think I would witness such a miracle in this life or the last.

Noelle: Enough, enough. As much as the listeners loathe to hear it, this isn’t about us.

Dreamer: Sadly.

Noelle: Very sad.

Dreamer: Now, another question. This one came in late, but since it’s directed at Will and we’ve been focusing on Archer this entire post I think this is a good time to ask it. Well, I say late, but it was actually sent after we started the interview.

Noelle: That’s right, you good for nothing deadbeats who are listening, you can still send in your own questions. If they are not terrible we may even let you off for being unreasonably tardy and ask your submission!

Dreamer: Onto the question! Will, what went down the day you randomly sold some girl’s panties to a dorm head that you didn’t even know?

[Katie]

Archer: *bursts into laughter*

William: Dear God...

Archer: Okay, Will, you mind if I get to talk a bit more? Take your time.

William: Thanks...

Archer: Honestly, I think Will's answer is very straightforward. He values family above all else, and Jade is his fiancee. His sister is hot enough for a fuck, but as I am loathe to admit, it seems he likes bigger breasts and Jade does match the brunette qualification. I bet if we poke around some more, we could unravel his mind like a used tapestry.

William: Shut up, Archer.

Archer: Ah, so I'm right. Consider me to be Olympus's new psychologist.

William: Let's see if you can put Zero out of business.

Archer: He runs a date-rape clinic, as you said. I'm not willing to compete in that trade. I think my Servant profile says Chaotic Good in big letters?

William: Yeah, yeah, alright. My turn.

William: I mentioned Four to the Dead Apostle receptionist. They redirected me to Jacques. I asked where Four's room was so I can return them. He decided to offer me a Conceptual Weapon which I recall that he said was powerful in exchange for those panties. At the time, I thought Four was fucking nuts and I remember my sister did shady as fuck transactions like this all the time, so I took a page out of her book. I only regret it in the fact that I actually did it. The new Conceptual Weapon is pretty tight, actually.

Archer: Would you do it again, Master?

William: If I knew it pissed off Four, yeah. But honestly, it'll probably end up as a diminishing return. Trading panties isn't a business I want to step into, anyway.

Archer: You sure? You could sell mind and it would appeal to a just-as-niche crowd!

William: Don't even, Archer.

[Spinach]

Noelle: To think that there would be an understandable train of thought leading to that answer of his that did not revolve around the proportions of the girls’ bodies.

Dreamer: Archer did say the choice between his sister and that Jade girl was probably based on the size of her boobs.

Noelle: Yes, I did say that it “did not revolve around the proportions,” not that “they were not a factor.” William here could never decide between two members of the opposite gender without considering their breasts. I mean, just look at him.

Dreamer: Rather than looking at him, look at his Servant. They say that Masters summon up kindred spirits, so what does it say about him that he summoned a Servant that can switch to any body type he-she wants?

Noelle: Yes, that is exactly what I meant.

Dreamer: No. No it was not.

Noelle: Why would I lie about this?

Dreamer: You don’t want to look like you think less about how to judge people than I do.

Noelle: Why would I care what length people think I go to when judging another’s character?

Dreamer: Do you really want an answer to that?

Noelle: This question isn’t addressed to a specific person so I will give it to Archer.

Dreamer: I know you want to steer away from the previous topic so you’re rushing ahead but I have to at least point out that Will says his sister had a habit of selling her used panties to people. I just want everyone to think about that.

Noelle: How do you balance the risk of an action with the potential reward?

Dreamer: I kind of wanted to ask that one.

Noelle: Too bad.

Dreamer: I’ll take this one then. Will, what is your greatest regret?

[Katie]

William: Archer, what does that say about me?

Archer: It means you're a good kid who is a bit of a dick, just like yours truly.

William: Thanks?

Archer: No problem, Will. As for risk and reward, it depends? I like taking big risks. The bigger the better. What doesn't matter is the reward; it's the fact that you just got away with something so balls-bustingly hard people have to clap for you.

William: Is that why you never go to the casino, Archer?

Archer: Golden Rule should be in my list of personal skills, damnit.

William: As for biggest regret... Letting my sister get hit by that car? They always say there was nothing I could have done, but there had to be something.

Archer: You can't do everything, kid.

William: Is it right for a Heroic Spirit to say that?

Archer: We can't do everything either. We just like talking the big talk so we can have an excuse to buy bigger britches.

[Spinach]

Dreamer: Hate to break it to ya but he-she is right. Not you, not me, nobody can do everything. Doesn’t matter what age you were born into, what lucky stars you were born under or what destiny you were born with. Take it from someone with a lifetime of experiencing ‘life.’

Noelle: …

Dreamer: You look like you want to say something, Noelle. Well? Spit it out.

Noelle: I’m just speechless at the sudden seriousness of this conversation.

Dreamer: It’s not such a bad thing to take things seriously from time to time.

Noelle: No, no it is not. Have you finally matured, Servant of mine?

Dreamer: I’ll let you decide that. Let’s move on.

Noelle: Then to keep the serious tempo we have at the moment, Will, Archer, this one is for both of you. What is your objective in OLYMPUS? What do you want to accomplish?

Dreamer: KYAAA SENPAI!

Noelle: What.

Dreamer: Hm?

Noelle: No, what? Why would you suddenly scream that?

Dreamer: It’s one of the questions that the fans submitted.

Noelle: That isn’t a question, there was no build up to it and you completely killed the serious tone that you yourself worked to set.

Dreamer: I know.

Noelle: I am going to personally murder whoever submitted that non-question.

[Katie]

William: The hell?

Archer: 8/10, Dreamer, would do again.

William: You revel in trying to mordernize, huh.

Archer: Better than talking about the best way to cook venison all day. Back to the question?

William: Don't really have a goal for Olympus. The Duel Chart is a load of shit. Just want to make friends, get acquainted in this supernatural hellhole.

Archer: Live life, I suppose. The world's changed and I need to revel in all these new things. Helping my Master is a surprisingly entertaining sidejob.

William: I guess that's one way to put it.

[Spinach]

Dreamer: Uhoh.

Noelle: What is it?

Dreamer: We’re running out of questions.

Noelle: Nonsense. We have quite a few left.

Dreamer: Yeah, but the ones left are pretty generic.

Noelle: A question is a question. Just because it does not meet your standards is no reason to ignore it.

Dreamer: Ahh, come on, really?

Noelle: If you’re so reluctant to use them then why not ask your own question? You’re capable of asking your own, you know.

Dreamer: That’s a great idea. Alright, here goes. Will. You’re blindfolded and bound. Your vision is cut and you can’t move, but you can still hear, you can hear the men who blindfolded you. No, the man. One man. He’s not saying much, but you hear the jingle of a keyring as he searches for the right key.

Noelle: Is this even a question?

Dreamer: You hear the jingle stop, he’s found the key. Then you hear it. Three seconds later. The sound of an ignition starting. Now you notice. You were thrust into the backseat of some sort of vehicle. You can’t tell what kind, but it’s cramped. It’s small. You hear him shift into gear. There’s a loud screech as he floors it, you can practically smell burnt rubber as he accelerates from 0 to 70 in just a few seconds.

Noelle: This isn’t a question.

Dreamer: You can hear the wind outside slamming into the windshield as the mysterious driver laughs. Outside there are multiple screeching vehicles slamming their brakes and swerving away to avoid you. The car is getting faster and faster. The fwip and vroom of pedestrians, signs and other vehicles passing you in a flash is all you can hear under the wind. The driver’s stopped laughing, he’s fallen silent. He’s not there anymore. The car is driving itself. What do you do?

Noelle: So it is a question after all.

[Katie]

William: ...What?

Archer: At least you're not gagged.

William: Fuck, right. Cast a spell? Try to burn the bonds. Reinforce and bust out. Hope something else on the road doesn't kill me.

Archer: What if you fuck up?

William: It's a car that is fucking driving itself, I'm already fucking dead. Better to die by immolation than die in a wreck.

Archer: I see. So, how did you get your license?

William: You know I have one?

Archer: I saw it on a desk once. If you're willing to talk about how you'd rather kill yourself than be in a car, at least tell us how you learned how to drive.

William: That's too fucking complicated for this interview, damnit.