2013 Fanfic Contest Entries, The Actioning

[Kelnish]

While Seika would clearly be an amazing judge (I think her analysis of the story might actually be longer than the story!), I worry from this that the stress might literally kill her. XD

If it doesn't kill her, it will only make her stronger. She will be able to crush spines at the national level. Seika will be the Rocky Balboa of amateur literary critique.

[Arch-Magos Winter]

Pfft, she's already the Drago of amateur literary critique.

[Vigilantia]

I must break you your spine.

[Lycodrake]

I liked the premise and basic idea of A Flight Down the Rivers Reflection, but the execution is lacking - grammar aside, Archer and dual-wielding katana were breakers.

And Seika seems to be accumulating more crushed spines.
Do you need those to craft a specific armor, weapon, or text, resident Classical Eldritch Lady?

[I3uster]

Now you burned her out before she hit drama.Whyyyyyy ;_;

[Gaterjhonz]

A crushed spine in Action and two more in lemon and....I haven't checked in other categories yet but, damn that was many.

[Moczo]

It's a shame she seems to have stopped, she she's an amazing judge. I'd have loved to see her get to Humor, even knowing it's not her favorite category.

[Gaterjhonz]

I think she's resting for now, it is stressful and the last one she read gave her massive headaches.

[I3uster]

Someone of her stalker club: drive over there and give her a massage and aspirin or something.

[DezoPenguin]

Yeah, that kind of high-grade work takes time and effort, and it's not like she's getting paid to sit around and snap us like twigs...or even doing it officially as part of the contest. I think it was pretty nice of her to get three out in the first day.

[Bloble]

So, while I'm not a judge at all and thus have no say in the matter, I thought Another Day, Another Job was pretty good. It caught the noir feel very nicely, and the action was nice, too.

[Arch-Magos Winter]

I got Dresden Files vibes from it.

[DezoPenguin]

I agree with this sentiment. A highly readable and entertaining fic. The action is well-done, fitting the category, and it tells a proper story with atmosphere. The only caveat, I think, would be the fact that it's a purely OC-based fic, and oddly I find the parts where it's explicitly anchoring itself in the Nasuverse mythos to be the weakest ones, such as when Templar is playing Beam-O-War with the second dog and he starts dropping in references to mystery and concept--although this, on the other hand, is one reason why Nasuverse Beam-O-War between magi is not the same as Beam-O-War between magi in other settings, and, well, it's important to anchor an OC-centric fic in the setting in order to avoid the "why didn't you just write this as an original story?" problem. I just think it gets overdone sometimes. Still and all, the overall fic is of solid quality; I definitely find it the best of the action stories. And the cell phone bit had me chortling, too. Plus the suitcase-collecting thing from the client was just weird enough to be amusing and a little creepy-seeming all in one.

[Kiiam]

Pretty much what Dezo said in regards Another Day, Another Job. Personally, I think that having it as an OC-centric fic is part of the appeal since it takes guts to put your own original characters out like that sometimes. While it's not perfect, the fic is pretty decent overall and the action was pretty good. Well done, whoever wrote that one.

[Seika]

Notes made in order, more-or-less as I read it: if the author reads their 'fic alongside my comments, I hope it'll seem to make sense. There's a more general summary at the end. Obviously I'm not actually a judge, so if you want to break your anonymity just to me by pointing out everywhere I've been an idiot and totally missed what you were trying to do, you can safely PM me to do that.


Another Day, Another Job

Mmmm, this opening sentence – I get the idea, but I think it needs just a bit of support before this other bloke's line barges in. Obviously Templar isn't happy, but I'd like more. You've given a blunt statement, but you're the first person narrator here. The point is to get inside someone's head, use the extra intimacy. I particularly would like something extra because this is simultaneously your opening paragraph and our first introduction to Templar. No need to go overboard, and it'd probably be worse if you straight-up stated the obvious - that he dislikes it - but you can put a personal spin on this. For example, a description of the door upon which the clients knock, giving clues to the kind of person Templar is. A note that it's in a certain location which suits his personality or circumstances. Something like that.

'Painfully nondescript … short brown hair' etc.
Big big big cliché. Mind you, tying yourself up in knots trying to say “he's not the cliché you're thinking of, but still didn't look remarkable” or giving up and pointing out the cliché as you go are also both problematic and overdone. I think the trick is to be light on the description and merely workmanlike when it does come up. Eventually you can indicate that he's forgettable. But piling in that cliché and then following it up with the generic description that always accompanies it is something you should not do. (Note now I finished: what was the point of making forgettable? Normally that indicates they're a patsy, but here it's just ... because that's a thing that happens in detective noir?)

Yep, working with what you've already set up re: sudden client visits, and giving something of a hint at how Templar deals with them – good.

'It probably was'.
Well, yeah. His dialogue already came off as rote memorisation and then the narrative (which, since this is first person already should reflect the character's views somewhat) specifically said it sounded like that. Your character does not need to try to make the point for the third time, and it doesn't make him seem at all more impressive, especially since you dropped in 'probably' when it's otherwise been made very definitely clear. I get the feeling this is a shot at the noir feel, but it's just … kinda dumb in execution. Pick your time more carefully.

an action he took as permission to do the same
Small thing, but I quite like it. It's a natural thing to do for the character and it's where the narrative wants to go. This little link lets you avoid any clumsiness of 'I sat down. He sat down.'

Francois
No ç?

It was something I did when I was thinking about things.
Oh, ugh. Overstatement. You could just about get away with a more indirect way of putting this (though even then I'd probably be telling you that it was unnecessary to explain that, that the audience is quite clued in to 'scratching chin = thinking'), but to just plonk it down like this? Aaargh. Bad.

Sometimes, even age-old plots about blood.
Little chuckle, so it's doing its job. Somehow this feels like how 'magus noir' narration should go – probably the most successful you've been with it so far. Try to do more like this.

A few paragraphs where I don't have much to comment on. The dialogue closes out fairly well, and the following narrative is fine, though a little dry as we're introduced to some items and some history.

the latter was my own creation from scratch. Well, not the duster itself, nor the magecraft, but I combined the two, damn it.
Relatively stand-out in those paragraphs for having just slightly more soul than the rest, a bit more emotion and invoking a bit more interest.

Magic-using freelancers, after this one guy called Emiya Kiritsugu (or Kiritsugu Emiya, Japanese naming confuses me) became a badass through technology, started using more modern means to keep ahead of their targets. Despite my heritage as a magus, I attempted to do the same once I got into the business.
Positing that Emiya's methods as well as his deeds were that well known? Hm, not sure, but I can accept it. More problematically, you've got 'this one guy … Japanese naming confuses me … badass (blech, don't like this even in first person narration, too net-slang)' and then a sudden switch in register 'Despite my heritage as a magus, I attempted to do the same'. What's wrong with something less formal? 'I had a go at being the same', 'I tried to be like him'. It's jarring.

It still took me two tries to get the right number dialed. Those buttons were too damn small.
Yep, bit of funny. Good.

Slightly worn interaction – this exact mocking chiding for not asking politely is played-out in pop-culture.

Mention of last month's rent too – good, in keeping with the feel.

Seriously impressed with this Anne's information gathering capabilities. I'd kind of like to linger on this, because that seems … wow.

small orange Toyota Yaris
0_0
What? What? … What? Huh? Why?
Seriously, why? What on earth makes your noir-y detective have an orange car? The Yaris I can kinda get. It's not the sort of classic noir car, which should be decades old and totally beaten up, but I can see the vague idea and I've already been a bit down on you for being too close to the classic feel of this genre. But the orange … ? I am baffled. And if there's not a point to this later on for plot or character, it is pretty bad writing. I was totally shocked out of my reading state because … what?

a miniature re-enactment of the great lakes
Noir-esque flippancy, but a bit too flippant. He's coming off as a sociopath.

Right, a reasonable delivery vehicle for our exposition, and that exposition makes vague sense. Fenris' descendants are fine, and I'll assume that they grow very quickly or some such. (Space-bending magic for storage being the preserve of the Second).

Something slightly awkward about the flow in the paragraph where the dog attacks. I'm not sure it should break where it does, maybe, perhaps like the next paragraph should also be part of it? Dunno, but it feels like there's something off there.

The fight's flow is jerky. Short sentences and clauses are good, but I think you've done too many short paragraphs. Makes it harder to track. Still competent in the main, though.

Continues to be perfectly decent writing without needing comment for some time, with just minor bits I'd like to comment on.

He gets bone shards embedded in his face and just ignores them for some sizeable conversations. Really? I mean, at least he does get around to doing stuff with them eventually or I'd be dinging you much harder, but still.

Apparently they don't grow fast, which points me more towards space-distortion. And that's Zelretch's thing. Hm. That or I've been underestimating the suitcase's size while overestimating that of the Fenris-brood.

Anne continues to be an insane information source. Seriously, can I get an insight into this? She the Second Owner monitoring everything all the time through tonnes of leylines or something?

I could tell they were sneaking because there were no more pools of blood.
Implying they've been savaging people along the way? No police involvement yet, though?

sitting on its hind legs like a dog waiting for treats
Obvious and you've already used 'dog' this paragraph anyway. 'sitting on its hind legs as if it was waiting for treats'. Adding something sarcastic about how unsuitable that posture way, or the kind of 'treats' you'd feed a Fenris-brood would also be suitable.

Wind had started kicking up, and my duster flapped around in ways I found incredibly distracting and annoying.
Heh.

and again my circuits came to life ... and again all the rings caught on fire.
The construction is repeated almost one-to-one, but with just a bit too much distance to sound deliberate or echoing. Eh.

these things could use magecraft. They were Magic users.
Given your careful adherence to magecraft here and in the following lines, the Magic here (especially capitalised) is confusing and generally points the reader towards True Magic.

I actually felt grateful. It was bringing a knife to a fist fight, but at least it wasn’t lined with poison.
The knife in this simile could have its counterpart made more clear. I assume this = has used mind control on people, but at least hasn't “lined it with poison” as it were, by going for Templar too?

bull-rush me, but I wasn’t a deer and he wasn’t a truck.
Mixed metaphor.

I couldn’t help but admire her dress. Specifically, the way the dark color and low cut accentuated her cleavage.
Really? Really really? At least make it just the one sentence if you've got to have him admiring someone's tits in a fight.

On to fighting the dog. Your sentence structure needs a great deal more variation here: lots and lots of them starting with the subject. Mix it up with adverbs or adverbial clauses, Drop the subject even: you're in first person, 'only for the dog to pull me to the ground again. Pushed myself up …' would be entirely acceptable and probably would even help by speeding this all up. Fighting pace.

Yeah, I see what you're trying to do, but these sentences are just too stuttering. Makes for bad reading. Also too obvious: 'It was coming in for the kill. I couldn’t let it. I didn’t want to die just then.' is just … artless.

One ring is 'one', two rings is 'two', six rings is 'nothing'? Why? … oh, I see. Yeah, fair enough.

OK, fight's conclusion picks up a bit. Still slightly stilted, but the best fight-writing I've seen in this 'fic so far.

(Calling it now, he totally keeps the one-eyed puppy. We'll see if I'm right).

Jean-François
See? You could use cedillas! I actually kind of have to punish you now. Just dropping it would have been a minor annoyance that I would have to deal with. Inconsistency is actual author error.

Aw, Jean is the Second Owner? I like my theory about Anne!

I think you've had 'deviate its course' twice now. I was hesitating about picking you up for awkward language the first time. When you repeat it, I really need to point out that this isn't exactly typically thought-vocabulary. There's also the issue that even with 'deviate' the usual construction is deviate from (or, here, 'made it deviate from') though I'm not sure if deviate is actually necessarily intransitive. Anyway, point is that you're using slightly odd vocabulary, and then using that in an odd way. Compounds the problem.

Latin for zero? Ehhhhhh. Zero is a defined number. Nihil is just 'nothing'. It was around long before they'd reconciled themselves to the necessity of having a word for the number which represents no number. (The history of 'zero' becoming a real and accepted concept is actually very interesting. Read up on it some day).

Like the final finish. Twisting the race of the two struggling to get up into the dog getting up and him getting the kill is good.

He does keep it! Kind of thought he'd outright steal it, but I guess volunteering to take it is fine too. Not necessarily sure that a magus family would deign even to give that much away, though.

A slightly silly end, but I think it's fine.


Conclusion:
There's obviously a go at a magus noir feel here. That's fine, but you edge too close to cliché in several places. It's OK to give the reader signposts which tell them 'you are travelling this way to Noir'. You did that sometimes. The problem is that you also stole signs like that from other works pretty much outright, and those are widely-recognisable enough that it's just cliché – which instead puts me in mind of a lack of originality than the actual atmosphere you're going for. Certainly, having stolen that signpost, it's not OK if you then intend on clubbing the reader with it, screaming NOIR at them as they lie stunned and helpless, and then attaching a complicated series of mirrors to their skull so that they can always see the imprint on their forehead. That's bad.

The fight scenes were decent in terms of content, plotting, that sort of thing, but I was often getting bogged down by some of the technical aspects. I really felt there was some odd paragraphing, you occasionally took the 'short sentences for action' theory way too far, and there was the problem with a lack of variance. Something, perhaps, to work on.

Probably the most holistic plot so far, divided up into several actual scenes, and that's something I need to comment on here instead of the in-the-moment critiques. It's fine, really. I'm not worshipping at your feet, and the very general idea is not at all new, but you chose a new location, you had a decent idea for an antagonist and abilities, and it all held together reasonably well.

I guess I would've liked our protagonist to be just that bit more defined in terms of personality, though I can see that you might not have had too much space for it. His own powers … fire is fire. It's been done over and over. So your basic building block is eh. But always twisting away from what's been done also produces some pretty terrible rubbish at time. That's the realm of great highs and lows. And meanwhile, I sort of like the staff. Rings as the conduits and varying the output by the number of rings invoked – that's at least not cliché and solidly done. Again, you didn't inspire me, but you managed what you had pretty competently.


Score:
I got the 'solid' impression, mostly. Obviously going to be above 5. However, very little in the way of excellence, I think. Which is slightly depressing, because I want people to be hitting excellence even if they fall down in other areas to do that. And there's still definitely some problematic bits, even if they're not as serious as the issues in the others I've done so far. On balance, I think you just about reach a 7. But even clearing up most everything I've pointed out in this critique might only barely see you to 8. I'd like not only for you to sand down those slightly rough edges, but also to have more ambition.

[DezoPenguin]

"Clockworking," I think, succeeds as writing while failing somewhat as a story. The action scenes are well-done enough (and little touches like writing out "seven point six two" rather than "7.62" in order to kind of give the phrasing an aesthetic drumbeat speaks of skill) and the idea of an Enforcer who attached steampunk-inspired cyberware is a bit unique (while the part about his mind rejecting said prosthetics plays to the classic Shadowrun trope of how the body rejects such artificial additions, something that plays better in the UF setting of the Nasuverse, where magic and souls are an objective reality, better than it does in straight-up SF settings, IMHO).

The problem is, that with a nameless OC protagonist and a nameless Dead Apostle antagonist, there's no functional personification of the conflict, no emotional connection it it. If the Enforcer were, by contrast, a known character, the story could play as an action vignette, where the reader's knowledge of the character would serve in place of the lack of any particular motivation in the story itself (likewise, if the author wrote a longer piece about this character, then this short piece could play off that more effectively). Or, with some tweaking, it could make for an effective prologue or flashback to a longer story featuring this Enforcer. But lacking the emotional connection to the characters, it becomes hard to invest oneself emotionally in the fight, so it becomes a mere stage exhibition, as it were (perfect example of what I mean in commercial media: the first few episodes of Blood-C; the fights between Saya and the Elder Bairns were exciting and well-animated, but the lack of development left them occurring in a vacuum).

[Seika]

Notes made in order, more-or-less as I read it: if the author reads their 'fic alongside my comments, I hope it'll seem to make sense. There's a more general summary at the end. Obviously I'm not actually a judge, so if you want to break your anonymity just to me by pointing out everywhere I've been an idiot and totally missed what you were trying to do, you can safely PM me to do that.


Clockworking

This first paragraph is a bit purple. Well, more than a bit. Not awful - though let's bear in mind that I've a higher tolerance than most - but something to watch out for. I personally won't ding you (yet), but I can imagine someone else doing so.

Technical grammar concern: this opening is definite and finite. It is full of definite articles ('the' everywhere in those first few sentences) and finite verbs (e.g. no participles). It makes it less varied to read and puts brakes on your flow and pace. Even if you were trying to slow stuff down (and I'm not sure that you were), the monotony of the writing style just gets a bit wearisome. For simultaneous actions, instead of going 'As he walked on, the snow fell', sometimes change it up to 'The snow falling, he walked on'. There are many other ways to reduce a surfeit of finite verbs, but that's the most obvious example I can think of.

seven point six two millimeter
Generally I applaud writing out numbers in prose: it's what you should do. However, it already gets weird when decimal points are involved, and since you're already trying to invoke a technical feel by citing a specific kind of round (and various other bits of gun jargon throughout this part), I think you should just have gone for the numeric representation. You might keep the full 'millimeter' for a rhythm purpose, perhaps.

Fairly competent writing as we go, though still dancing on the edge of purple. As I get a sense of what you're trying to write, I'm finding that it works reasonably well, though. A title drop that, if not incredibly subtle, fitted perfectly well in its place, which is something to commend you for since amateur authors cack that up often and leave reader groaning.

Millimeter precise
You're trying to say 'precise to a millimeter', yes? You should be hyphenating it: millimeter-precise movement.

It took only several minutes
Though on the objective level, several minutes isn't a long time, the connotations of 'several' are more towards length than the phrase 'It took only' wants. If you don't intend to be that precise anyway, I think 'a few' is the better way to go here.

Though there are an enormous number of differences between this fight and how it's written, and the previous story's take on those, I'm finding the pacing better here. I'm also much more on-board with your choices regarding when and for what you've deployed the short sentences. That's good, and the last author might want to have a bit of a look here.

lances of color in an otherwise monochrome night
I can't decide if this is a really nice phrase for its imagery or hilariously purple. Knowing and compensating for my biases, I think I should probably err on the side of it being too much. (I still kinda like it though. )

Yeah, the sentence that follows is definitely going overwrought. Just for this moment your dancing on the line of 'descriptive' and 'purple' went well over the edge.

lubricated the gears of people and the Enforcer, and fueled his foe was ignored
'and fueled his foe' is parenthetical, drop in a second comma after it.

seemingly attempting to split him in half
This is something I was dinging A Flight Down The Rivers for. Don't remind me of that, it's bad for both our healths. More seriously, this is a genuine point. Use 'seem' sparingly, where it makes a real difference; very often, writers just bulk out sentences with it. It's worse when coupled with a verb like attempted, where the action of your sentence is already distanced because it hasn't actually happened yet.

to crush him like frozen fists
Again, this dances over our purple line. I sort of like how you make even the environment a personified enemy here, but not really the way you've actually carried it out in this case. It also slows the action down a bit.

The Enforcer struggled to his feet, several ribs broken and a concussion pushing at his mind
Telling instead of showing problem (particularly when you're doing serious injuries like this). I want to know what it felt like for those ribs to break; I want to hear the sound as they snapped. It sounds macabre, but you've already very obviously positioned yourself as a descriptive writer, and you should keep that going when it makes sense.

Just your luck magus.
Addressing someone, so it needs to be marked out by commas. 'Just your luck, magus'.
(I was checking if there was a technical term for this and found a fantastic example. There's a very serious difference between “Let's eat Grandpa!” and “Let's eat, Grandpa!”. A way for you to keep that in mind).

Oooh, I like this reveal. Magus with power over clockwork? Neat, and all this machine imagery from before ties in (literalising non-literal imagery is generally a powerful device), and you set us up with the title drop earlier to suspect that was what you were just going for … many good things. Honestly, this alone is probably worth a point or two by itself. Artistry.

Nasu-y exposition on clockwork history, which is perfectly good in this context. You stopped the action at a fine point for looking in other directions: I can see this going very wrong elsewhere.

The mental side … somehow I think this could have been done better. It's begun to feel again like we're being told something that there might have been a way to show. If, earlier in the narrative, you had given him a slight hesitation, hinted at mental control reinforced, that might have helped.

It had been worse; much worse at the start
I think this technically works as punctuated, but I feel you're actually going for 'It had been worse, much worse, at the start'. Could well be wrong, so I think I have to ignore this until you speak up.

The metal hands reacted as fast as or possibly even faster than his own.
More punctuation: 'or possibly even faster' needs parenthetical commas around it.

the peculiar pitch that magically enhanced steel possessed
Feels overwritten. Potentially just 'in the peculiar pitch of their magically-enhanced steel'. And since I just noticed while writing that, hyphenate 'magically-enhanced'.

'sheer' very quickly repeated: 'sheer impact', 'sheer speed'.

kicking out and hitting home with a similar sound to the one of his arms impact against unliving flesh.
This just looks confused and rushed. I get the meaning, but it doesn't actually make sense as written. 'Sound to the one of his arms impact'?

twisting his leg into a position that was not conductive to staying upright.
Really bloody indirect. Say what you mean, especially in the middle of an action piece. On the subject of what you mean, you mean 'conducive', not 'conductive'. The new position is probably not significantly different in its resistance to the passage of electricity, and that only has so much to do with staying upright anyway.

the Dead Apostles
Missing possessive apostrophe.

This killing blow … eh. You handled your other reveal much better. It appears and is over way too quickly. You've already deigned to not have the Apostle immediately killed – that opens up space for some exposition as the Enforcer walks over. I think that would have improved it substantially.

Pseudo-philosophical question to end! Really kinda cliché for a short story, but it's executed well enough. And the actual closing sentence or two is decently written as too which helps you out.


Overall:
Time to do some more holistic stuff, despite this being one of the shorter 'fics in the contest and only covering one scene. Each to its own standard of judging, I guess.

Anyway, the start was definitely a bit iffy, with the description always edging close to being melodramatic. I think it's just a matter of going over your work and checking if all your adjectives and metaphors and descriptive phrases really add to what you're doing. Metaphors particularly are powerful devices but also increase the 'purple' factor. Your middle section, covering most of the DA fight itself seemed the best part, and I'm going to say again that I was really really happy with what you'd done re: clockwork imagery into literal clockwork (while retaining all the importance of the non-literal clockwork, which you could have dropped – and that would have been a mistake). You staked the title on it, and it came out well. I get to praise you for ambition here, where I faulted Another Day on it. Towards the end, I really felt like you were rushing. More obvious technical faults were creeping in, and I already discussed how you handled the Enforcer's real magic and the killing blow. More time needed, I think, or certainly better distributed.

I'm going to note that, unlike all the other critiques so far (peeked at them after I'd written my own), I was perfectly content with the amount of characterisation Clockworking displayed, so it'll be your job to think on that and how it'll have influenced our judgements and scores. Personally, I was absolutely fine with the motivations of 'Enforcer is sent to kills Dead Apostle; Dead Apostle doesn't want to die' (though an Executor is the more natural enemy), and I'm not expecting reams of introspection from a one-scene action piece, especially if you have a protagonist who's set up to be compared to a machine.


Score:
I find this tricky, actually. I really like that middle part and the theming, but I'm pretty unhappy with some of the ending, and somehow it feels like they shouldn't just cancel out. Otherwise, it was mostly competent and decently styled, with just a few real errors, and then patches of debatable work. You can already write, though I think there are enough obvious rough edges that a few hundred thousand words of practice - over time, over time, don't worry - will smooth out to really make you a decent (fanfic, at least) author. In the end, I'm giving it a 7. With the ending given a thorough revision, it's well on track for an 8 (that did drag you down a fair bit), and then just working out a more measured descriptive tone and fixing a few show/tell moments would likely bump it up to 9. Very impressive potential heights.

[Arch-Magos Winter]

Three down, two to go. Total Spincrushes: 1, for the first fic.

[Leftovers]

Three down, two to go. Total Spincrushes: 1, for the first fic.

[Aiden]

Man that wasn't even a spine crush.

She was downright gentle with that.