Authors note: Please do not take this terrible tale of bad jokes and smut any seriously then I did.
It has started innocently enough. A simple knock on the door. Shirou had gotten lots of knocks on that door. Plenty of nice things came from that door. When he opened the door, many would call it a good thing.
“Good evening, Emiya-kun.”
The two most popular girls in school, Tohsaka Rin and her sister, Tohsaka Sakura.
“Evening Senpai.” Sakura said. “Can we come in?
~---------------------~“Here you go.” Shirou had immediately prepared some tea for her two guests.
“Thank you.” Sakura said, and Rin nodded and accepted the tea as well.
“So...” Shirou said, sitting down across the table from them. “What business brings you here?” Sure he knew Sakura from interacting with her in the Archery club, but he doubted that was important enough for both the Tohsaka sisters to come over to someone like him.
(It should be noted at this point that, while Rin and Sakura are the most popular girls in school among the young men, Shirou is in fact, the most popular boy among the young women. Nobody has bothered to inform him of this. Largely because the females of the student body find his obliviousness to be a charm point.)
Rin and Sakura looked at each other. “Emiya-kun.” She said, “It’s time.”
Shirou looked blankly at Rin. “Time for what?”
“Well... um...” Rin frowned. She hadn’t been expecting this. “Well... time for this.” She pulled out a thick piece of parchment.
“This is...” Shirou’s eyes widened. It was a Self-Geis scroll. He had heard of such dangerous magical tools from his father. A binding oath between two Magi that could never be broken. Why did... “Wait. Tohsaka, you’re a Magus?”
Rin spat out her tea. “You... you didn’t know!?” She turned over to Sakura, “How didn’t he know?”
Sakura frowned, “Well, I assumed he did, Nee-san. I mean. What exactly did you expect me to do? Go ‘hey there, how’s that secret magic studying’ in the middle of Archery club? I don’t think the Association would like that.”
“Seriously though. How didn’t you know we were Magi?” Rin said.
Shirou shrugged, “Does it matter at this point? The thing I’m worried about is that scroll.”
“I guess your father didn’t tell you about it either.” Sakura said.
“We only found it after cleaning up his office.” Rin said.
Shirou frowned, “What kind of Magus would just leave something like this behind?” He picked up the slightly smudged looking scroll and opened it. Like most such scrolls, it was enchanted so that only the people involved with the contract could read it. Shirou, it seemed, was involved in the contract. And it was absurd. Like most such contracts, it was long and filled with legalese and redundant words to make sure there was no room for error. What it boiled down to, however, was that:
One of the daughters of Tohsaka Tokiomi was to be married to the eldest son of Emiya Kiritsugu. There was a time limit, the failure for him to be married by that time would destroy his, Rin’s, and Sakura’s magic circuits. The deadline... three days from now.
He looked up from the contract, Rin and Sakura looked remarkably blasè about the entire thing. “This is absurd!” He could see it. His own signature, one clearly written by a small child, was on the paper. “Why... why the hell did my old man do this?”
If there was an answer to that question, neither of them knew it.
“So what can we do about it?” Shirou said.
“Nothing.” Rin cut off any hope, “We’ve gone over the contract with a fine toothed comb. Some of the best lawyers in the Association looked over it. Basically, you have to marry one of us, soon.”
“Oh, and Senpai, marrying and then immediately divorcing won’t work. The contract says that we will be married. Not that we will get married. If we stop being married then the contract is violated and we get the penalty.” Sakura added.
“It is kind enough to include one escape clause.” Rin said with a smirk, “If one of us dies, the survivors are released from any obligations.”
“...I’m too young for this.” Shirou groaned, his head hitting the table with a quiet thud. “So if you didn’t come here to find a way out of it... why did you come here?”
Rin and Sakura glanced at each other, as if silently telling the other to talk. Finally Sakura answered his question. “Well, Senpai, we came here wanting to know which of us you want to marry.”
A very long silence followed.
“It’s not like we have much of a choice!” Rin said, her face turning red.
“We’re not going to rush you Senpai. You still have three days to decide. Sure. I kind of figured you being friendly to me in the Archery club was a clear sign that I was-” Sakura was elbowed in the gut by Rin.
“Please don’t babble.” Rin muttered. “Well then, Emiya-kun, do you um, mind if we stay here for the time being?”
Shirou frowned, “I guess that’s fine.” This was bad. These two lovely girls were going to be forced to marry a person like him!
(That is to say. A kind, good looking, considerate young man with a strong work ethic, in peak physical condition, an excellent cook, and very smart with money. But never let it be said Emiya Shirou had a realistic view of himself.)
Plus he was kind of attached to his magic circuits. How else could he be a superhero without them?
“Thank you Senpai.” Sakura said, giving him a gentle smile that immediately made Shirou’s face turn red.
“Oh yes, thank you very much Emiya-kun.” Rin also gave him a smile. It made him blush, though in a very different way then Sakura’s.
~---------------------~The following morning Shirou awoke to the smell of breakfast.
Which was odd, as he was the one who cooked.
“Oh good morning Senpai!” It was Sakura. She was in his kitchen, complete with apron.
“Um... Sakura, why are you cooking?” Shirou said.
“Well, Senpai. I figured that I’d show-”
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP
Rin exploded into the room, still wearing pajamas and her hair frazzled. “What happened to my alarm clock!?”
“Oh Nee-san. I’m terribly sorry, but I had noticed that you had accidentally set it to Four A.M.” Sakura said with an innocent smile. “You need a lot more sleep than that to be healthy.”
“You... guuhhhh...” Rin gritted her teeth.
That’s when Shirou noticed that Rin’s pajama’s were unbuttoned. Rin was apparently not the type to wear a bra when sleeping.
“T-Tohsaka!”
“Eh?” Rin looked down and realized her mistake. “Oh... ah...” She quickly pulled her top shut, buttoning it up.
“So, Sakura.” Shirou turned back to Sakura (who quickly removed the scowl from her face), “Why are you cooking again.” He said as he desperately tried to remove the image of Rin’s breasts from his mind.
“Well...” Sakura said, “I was just... um... thinking about showing how I can help out! Since, you know...”
Shirou frowned, “Isn’t that a little chauvinistic?”
“What?” Sakura said.
“Well, I’m just saying. The whole ‘woman stays in the kitchen’ thing. It doesn’t sit right right with me.” Shirou said, “I like cooking and cleaning up, but that doesn’t mean I’m ‘girly’ because none of that stuff is really gender based.”
“....” Sakura couldn’t really find anything to say to this.
“That’s right Emiya-kun!” Rin moved in for the kill, “You want a modern woman. Not one shackled to the kitchen” (Let us ignore the fact that “modern” and “Magus” are oxymorons when put in the same sentence together.) “Someone like-”
“Well, no. Not saying that. If that’s what Sakura likes then that’s her choice. But it shouldn’t be thrust upon her just because of her gender.” Shirou said. “Anyways. Since Sakura decided to make breakfast... I’m going to go take a bath.”
Rin opened her mouth to say something, but Sakura grabbed win by the arm and pulled her away. “Enjoy your bath Senpai!”
~---------------------~Shirou was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with Rin and Sakura.
They seemed to be tripping a lot on him, their clothing didn’t seem to be put on right and was constantly slipping, and they kept on staring at him in an odd way.
He guessed they were mad at him for getting them stuck in this situation. Still, were they expecting him to do something? What could he do that they could not?
(It should be noted that last week he went on a shopping trip and encountered one witch who happens to live on the mountain. He had seen her special knife. However, poor Shirou was ignorant on how his magic fully worked. Thus, no contract dissolving was currently possible.)
“Emiya-kun.” Rin called to him. Both her and Sakura were sitting at the table.
“Yes?” Shirou walked to the table.
With a thud Rin and Sakura dropped two thick stacks of papers on the table.
“What... what is this?” Shirou said.
“These are our Clock Tower academic records Senpai.” Sakura said.
“Uhhhhhh....” Shirou stared at the papers. It was immediately filled with words and letters and numbers that he had no context for.
“I am one of the highest performing students in my age group.” Rin said.
“Oh I am too.” Sakura added.
“I possess the rare attribute of “Average One”, capable of using all basic elements”
“Of course. Basic is dull, don’t you think Senpai? I have the unique attribute of “Imaginary Numbers” pretty special sounding huh?”
“Pfft what can you even do with something imaginary? Honestly Emiya-kun, that’s second rate.”
“They’re pretty impressive grades, aren’t they Senpai?”
“Oh mine are better.”
Shirou hit the ground.
“Senpai!?”
“Emiya-kun?!”
“My head hurts...” All that magibabble... it burned his mind.
~---------------------~“Oyyyy....” Shirou groaned. The aspirin was finally taking effect.
This day... it had been more stressful than any other day in recent memory.
Still, it had ended, and how he just wanted to go to sleep. He opened the door to his room...
And found Rin and Sakura sitting in it. They were wearing plain yakutas, and Rin’s hair was undone rather than be in her usual twintails.
“Uhhhhhh....” Shirou said.
“I guess we weren’t quite thinking clearly, Senpai.” Sakura said.
Rin nodded. “Yes. In the end, the thing any man looks for in a woman... the thing that attracts him to her first.”
Shirou had a bad feeling about this.
“Well?” They both said, taking off the only piece of clothing they had. It’s to Shirou’s credit that he didn’t faint right there.
The slight glance he had gotten at Rin this morning was nothing. Her slender body accentuated her long and perfect legs. Her modest breasts perked up in just the perfect way. “W-well...?” She said, her face red, her arms folded and resting under her breasts, obviously resisting the urge to cover herself back up.
Sakura of course, was just as attractive. Large breasts coupled with wide hips. Her arms were also folded, but her expression was much more confident than the blushing Rin. “What do you think, Senpai?”
“Guh... ahh...” Shirou couldn’t think of anything to say, anything that he could say. When he did not, in fact, say anything, both girls scowled and moved closer to him. His mind was short circuiting.
Rin gritted her teeth, “Come on! Say something!”
“Why are you naked?” Shirou finally said, the first thing that came to mind.
There was a long and painful silence.
“That does it.” Sakura said. She grabbed Shirou by the shirt collar and pulled him towards her, “Senpai.” She said, looking into his eyes.
“Y-yes...?”
“Which of us do you want to fuck.”
Now Shirou fainted.
~---------------------~“I think he’s waking up, you really overdid it Sakura.”
“How was I supposed to know he’d faint? I mean,really? Who does that?”
“Nnnnn...” Shirou said, “Sakura... Tohsaka... I had the weirdest.... dream...”
They were still naked.
And then, he realized he was now wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. “Heeeee!!!” He moved his hands to cover the quickly growing shame.
“Told you he wasn’t gay Nee-san.” Sakura said. Rin rolled her eyes in response.
“Did you strip me!?” Shirou shouted.
“It was her idea!” Sakura pointed to Rin.
“Shut up.” Rin growled, “Look. Emiya-kun, Sakura may have phrased it... crudely. But you need to make a choice. We’ve been presenting our cases in various ways throughout the day, but you have yet to say a word about it! So what is it!”
“I... I...” Shirou whimpered.
“Oh for the love of...” Sakura groaned, she then grabbed the sides of Shirou’s boxers, and pulled. “I’ll just show you what, exactly, you’ll get by marrying me.” Now he was naked, exposed to the world. Or at least two very pretty sisters, which was arguably worse. “Now Senpai...” Sakura said with a wicked grin, “Just sit back and enjoy.” She took his now perfectly straight penis in one hand, tugged it slightly, opened her mouth wide, and pushed it into her mouth.
This is bad. Shirou thought (as he lived out the fantasy of half the boys in his school) I can’t humiliate her like this! Sakura was moving up and down, and he fought the urge to gasp. He couldn’t get her... he shouldn’t! He clenched his fists, he would steal his will. He’d show her he wasn’t this type of guy!
“Oh god Sakura, that’s pathetic.” Rin said.
“Mmmph!” Sakura stopped for a moment, before pulling Shirou’s penis out of her mouth. “What?”
“You’re just blindly sucking on it. No technique at all. Did you just do this on a whim? You need to prepare for this sort of thing.” Rin said.
“...Nee-san... are you saying you studied how to suck a cock?” Sakura said, her expression one of disbelief.
“W-well of course! You never know what a Shi- a man may like! You’ve got to be prepared for that day if Shi- your boyfriend asks for it.” Rin stammered, before pushing Sakura away from Shirou, “I mean, I don’t have any practical experience... but watch.” She smiled at Shirou, “I’m sure you’ll like this much better Emiya-kun.” She softly began to lick the base, slowly moving up, then quickly down to his testicles. A few quick kisses to the tip, and Rin sucked it into her mouth.
“Oh god!” Shirou shouted. Sakura had been intense, but Rin was blinding him. This was bad, this was really bad. As she pulled it deeper, her tongue gently touching just the right spots, he knew he could not last much longer. Any moment he was going to explode, he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t. “T-t-trace on...” He forced himself to focus. This was the only way he could avoid doing this to her. His magic circuits flared to life, pouring magical energy into his body. He needed to make himself tougher, more resilient, so he wouldn’t give in.
In short, he needed to Reinforce his dick.
And somehow, it worked, the pressure faded, he no longer felt like he was going to explode. However, there was a fatal flaw with his reasoning. Reinforcement did not just make an object stronger, it made it better in its purpose. And right now, Emiya Shirou’s penis had one purpose and one purpose only. Shirou’s reason was quickly being overwhelmed, and the background music changed from Pursuing Minds to Emiya.
“Raahhhhh!” Shirou stood up, pulling himself out of Rin’s mouth. He grabbed Rin by the Shoulders, and pushed her down below him, her legs spread wide.
“W-wait Emiya-kun!” Rin’s eyes were wide with surprise. Shirou’s were wide with unchained lust. “P-please be gentle! It’s my first tiiiiiiiimmmmmmeeee!” Shirou’s penis was like steel, and with a single powerful thrust shattered any trace of Tohsaka Rin’s virginity. Of course, that wasn’t enough, pulling back far enough that only the tip was still inside her, only to thrust back in just as hard!
“Oh god oh god oh god.” Rin gasped out as Shirou roughly kissed her, her tongue being pulled out of her mouth by his, he pulled away from her lips, nibbling down her neck and shoulder. She gasps became louder as he cupped her breast in one hand, roughly biting her nipple. If this bothered her, she made no indication of it, especially because her legs had begun to wrap themselves around his waist, desperately trying to pull him in deeper! “Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck oh FUCK!” Rin screamed, her entire body moving in rhythm to Shirou’s thrusts. “Fuggggmnwnasnggggan...” She couldn’t form coherent words anymore, “Neeeeeeeeee!!!” Her body shook, her vision and mind went blank, and she collasped, unable to move anymore. “Shirou... oh... oh god.....”
Shirou pulled out of her, and turned slowly to Sakura.
“Oh my god... Nee-san... he... wow... that...” So what had Sakura been doing while she watched her sister’s virginity being taken quite gloriously?
Masturbate, mostly. But now she realized something.
Shirou had just driven Rin senseless, but he himself had yet to orgasm. And the way he was looking at her...
“S-senpai... di-didn’t you just choose mmmmpppphhh!” Whatever Sakura was about to say was interrupted by Shirou giving her a kiss just as powerful as the one he gave her sister. Sakura’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, before finally parting because they needed to breathe. “Ahhh I get it now Senpai.” Sakura said, her expression seductive, one hand reaching down to stroke the burning steel rod that was his penis. “Nee-san wasn’t good enough for you...” She slowly turned around, bending over slightly, “Come on... take it. It belongs to you.”
Shirou, of course, did not do exactly what she expected. Instead, he grabbed her by the legs and picked her up, holding her above him, before forcing her down onto it. “Eeeeeee!” Sakura shrieked with surprise. “W-wait... I... aooooohhh...” He thrust up into her again and again. While Sakura wasn’t heavy, she knew there was no way this position could be held by any normal man. He was lifting her up just from the force of his thrusts. “S-senpai! Ahhhhh!!” However, it seemed that even Shirou had his limits. She fell, landing on her hands and knees... right on top of Rin.
“Nnnnn...” Rin was beginning to come back to reality, just in time to see Sakura’s breasts shaking wildly in her face. “Wait... what? Sakura...”
“Annnnaahhh!! Nee-san he’s... incredible!” Sakura screamed, even as she had fallen over her sister he hadn’t stopped thrusting into her. “He’s... a... annnnhhhhahhhhahahah!” Sakura’s arms lost their strength, she collapsed on top of Rin. Her body forced forward and back by Shirou, grinding against Rin.
“Nnnn Sakura!” Rin gasped, “T-tell him to stop!” She shouted. Sakura of course, didn’t respond. Much like she had been a few minutes ago, her sister was completely lost. “Sa-Sakura please!” She said. She was not getting turned on by her sister getting fucked on top of her. “Nnnn Shirou!!” She was not pulling her arms around Sakura’s neck. “Ahhhhhnnnnnn yes...!!” She was not frenching her sister. “Mmmnnngnnnnn!!!” And Sakura was not frenching her back.
Sakura screamed down Rin’s throat as her body suffered a mind shattering orgasm. Upon doing so, Shirou pulled out of her.
Rin, with great difficulty, disengaged herself from Sakura, the two sisters now laying flat on their backs, gasping for air.
Shirou didn’t look much better, his eyes were bloodshot, and even enhanced as he had been, he had reached his limit. Molten steel was poured over them both. “Ahh hah...” Shirou’s eyes slowly returned to normal. “I... am...” He mumbled, “...of... my...” He collapsed on top of them both.
~---------------------~The One Year Reunion of Heaven’s Feel 4.
Kiritsugu and Tokiomi ended up getting drunk.
“I... I have a great idea!” Tokiomi shouted, his booze spilling everywhere.
“W-w-w-what...? Kiritsugu said.
“We summoned the strongest Servants! Let’s make our decendants s-s-summon the super strongest!”
“G-great idea!” Kiritsugu said. (It wasn’t) “How can we.”
“Duh!” Tokiomi said, “We get our kids to marry each other!”
“Great idea!” Kiritsugu said (It wasn’t.)
“Where are they...”
~---------------------~“Nnn..” Shirou groaned as he woke up, he remembered now. As a kid, he had been taken to some party by his old man. While playing with two girls, Kiritsugu and some creepy guy with a goatee had asked him to sign some paper. “Damn you old man.. you were drunk, weren’t you.” Kiritsugu always did stupid things when drunk.
That’s when he realized he was on top of two naked Tohsakas.
“Oh... oh god...” He remembered. His plan had backfired.
“Sen...pai...” Sakura’s eyes fluttered open.
“AHHHHHHHHH!!!” Shirou screamed, jumping away from the two. He quickly grabbed a blanket and threw it over them both, then he grabbed his futon and pulled it over himself.
“Emiya-kun...” Rin sat up, the blanket would have slipped. But thanks to him she was sticky.
“I... I...” Shirou was trying to say how sorry he was, but he couldn’t find the words. Surely the two girls were going to murder him now.
“Well?” Sakura said.
“We have one day left.” Rin said, “Who will you pick?”
“I... uh...” He stopped panicking. OK the girls didn’t seem to be mad at him. “I... don’t know?”
“Why not!?” Sakura said.
“Because I don’t want to force someone into a marriage they don’t want!” Shirou finally screamed.
Shirou swore these silences were getting worse.
“Senpai...” Sakura said, her expression unreadable. “The reason we’re asking you to choose...”
“Is because we both want to marry you, you jackass!” Rin shouted.
“...what?” Shirou said.
“We’ve... well...” Sakura blushed, “We’ve been in love with you for some time now.”
“What?”
Rin blushed as well, “You... you remember this? It was... four years ago? We saw you. You were desperately trying to get over a high jump bar.”
“You kept trying and trying. But you couldn’t make it... but you didn’t give up for a long time...” Sakura said.
“Oh... uh, I guess that sounds like something I’d do.” Shirou muttered.
“So basically, if it was something we had to do, we could have easily sorted it out amongst ourselves.” Rin said, “But since it’s something we both want... well.. things got a little hectic at first.”
~---------------------~“I’m going to do it Nee-san.” Sakura said, “He clearly likes me more! He helps me out a ton at the Archery club!”
“Please. He just sees you as a little girl to watch over.” Rin said.
“Nee-san.” Sakura clenched her firsts.
“Sakrua.” Rin said back.
The two sisters rarely fought, but when they did... it ended explosively. Of course, Rin this time had a trump card for whatever trick Sakura could throw at her.
Tension mounted... and they both attacked at once.
There was a flash of brilliant, multicolored light, an explosion... and silence.
“Hah... hah... what?” Rin’s eyes widened, Sakura hadn’t even been knocked down. “Impossible! I have the Gem sword!” It was true, Rin had discovered how to work, and make, the secret treasure of the Tohsaka family.
“...I was about to say that, Nee-san.” Sakura said. She was also holding the Gem Sword.
“....”
“....”
“Let’s see if Emiya-kun can decide this.” Rin said.
~---------------------~“That just means instead of hurting the one I choose, I hurt the one I don’t choose!” Shirou said.
Rin and Sakura both facepalmed.
“Well, we’re all going to hurt. A lot. As in, our magic circuits will destroy themselves, if you don’t make a choice.” Rin said.
Shirou groaned, “Fine! I’ll make the most unbiased choice possible.” Still holding the futon to preserve the tattered remains of his modesty, he found his pants, dug through the pockets, and pulled out a coin. “Heads is Tohsaka, tails is Sakura, OK?”
“That’s fine with me.” Sakura said.
Rin nodded, “I guess leaving it up to fate is OK.”
“Good...” Shirou flung the coin up... it spun through the air, hitting the ground with a gentle chime.
“Oh fuck me.” Shirou said.
The coin had landed on its side.
“....” Rin and Sakura looked at eachother, then looked at Shirou, and then the coin. They both nodded, stood up, and marched in unison towards him.
~---------------------~“So... you want me to marry the both of you to him?” Kotomine Kirei said.
“That’s right.” Sakura said.
“Come on. You’re a fake priest as it is. Why do you care?” Rin snapped.
“Hmmm...” Kotmine examined Shirou, the boy they had brought to him.
His expression was one of a broken, shell shocked man who had seen many horrible things.
Kotomine smiled. “Of course, I’d gladly do that for you Rin.”
~---------------------~“I’m going to get arrested for bigamy Fuji-nee’s going to kill me...” Shirou said, his eyes wide with panic.
“It’ll be fine Senpai.” Sakura said.
“All we have to do is not advertise it.” Rin said, “It’s not like Magi don’t break dozens of laws anyway. We know how to bend the rules and all that.”
There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” Sakura said cheerfully.
“...and I’ll be sodomized with Tora-shinai again and again and again...”
A minute later Sakura came back, “Uh, it’s for you Senpai.”
“...Illya will use that giant of hers to- Oh.. OK..” Shirou stood up from the fetal position.
~---------------------~At the door was a young woman of beauty. Blonde hair tied into a bun, her green eyes were gentle and piercing, and her smile kind.
Also by her side was a very large man with a very large sword.
“Are you Emiya Shirou?” The man said.
“Eeep...” Shirou said.
“Lancelot, you’re scaring him.” The woman said. “I am Arturia. You are Emiya Shirou, correct?”
“Y-yes...?” Shirou said.
She smiled, it was a pure smile. “I served in the 4th Holy Grail war as your father’s Servant as a Saber class.” She blushed a little and looked away, “In return, I was promised some things as part of the contract.”
“W-what kind of contract?” Shirou felt ice begin to form in the pit of his stomach.
“He promised his eldest son’s hand in marriage...” She said.
“....”
“Shirou?” Rin said, “Who’s she, what does she want?”
“Why are you just standing there Senpai?”
“Damn you old man!”
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Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart
