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Thread: Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.

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    the master of infinite roads lantzblades's Avatar
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    Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.

    (Author's note: I do not own typemoon, as with all fanfiction this is non profit, it is a repost largely unchanged from the original post aside from spelling errors which were not caught by two other spellchecks, i will answer clerical questions. be polite please or you will be ignored. as for grammar criticisms please provide examples. yes it has been beta'd.)

    Of Swords and Sorcery: Through fire and flames.

    The golden king laughs, pulling his false arrow from the boy’s head, and his arrogance begins to pick up steam as the wart tightens her grip on the fairy blade and the blacksmiths draw their identical twin swords.

    I am not amused.

    The priest and white haired nun move back behind the gold plated warrior, the girl noticeably bothered by the murder that had apparently occurred in front of her. The hard continuous clacking against the church's concrete steps draws my attention, caused by the footsteps of the magus killer and the shadow woman as they run to the battle. But, they won’t make it in time.

    As I said, I am not amused.

    The boy’s body lurches up, already sealing the wound. Human bodies are fragile and awkward, but the boy has been trained and Gilgamesh, so-called king of men, is nothing but a man.

    “Were he my son, Saber, he would at least have made it within arm's reach of me. Sadly a faker’s son is a faker as well”, Gilgamesh says, drawing some blade or other from his gate of stolen weapons.

    “Actually, that is the wart of Pendragon, Saber is the man in the dark armour at the entrance”, I say, correcting him, as I place my hand on his shoulder.

    He whirls around and blood and sparks erupt from the boy’s body as I divert the blade. He opens his worthless maw and I jam my finger and thumb against his temple. I could crush his head in an instant even with the current limits on my power, but I don’t need to. Not when other means work better. A crack forms, starting from the boy’s left eye extending all the way to his right hip, and flames pour from his left palm, engulfing the golden servant.

    To the idiot’s credit he does not scream as he burns, not that he could after I'd kicked him in the chest hard enough to send him towards the high ceiling. After another two seconds in the air his ascent ceases. I kick him in the head as he comes down, destroying the priest’s podium and burying the king’s burning form in the wall.

    The others are noticeably disturbed but that’s to be expected, the sons of man have fear as a grand equalizer which drives them. Another crack forms on the boy's right leg, I’ll have to finish this now.

    Gilgamesh breaks away and lurches up in a rage, snapping his fingers and launching his fake arrows. The heat of my flames shield me and the clashing of metal tells me the crowd is safe.

    “MONGREL! HOW DARE YOU STRIKE ME!” he bellows, swinging a golden blade at me.

    I catch it, Merodach I think it’s called, the blade of kings or such nonsense. “I do not consider amoeba when I walk”, I reply, back handing him across the face.

    “I have bartered with kings, faced heroes, watched civilizations rise and fall, I am he who burns at the end of the world, you are neither king nor hero, I would call you a clown but even the worst clown I respect for his effort to entertain”, I add, the boy’s face twisting into a smug grin. It’s not my intent but it is the closest expression humans can manage to what I feel.

    The golden one reaches backward, undoubtedly grasping for his petty rock drill, but he finds that his gate will not open. I open the boy’s right hand, revealing the odd-looking key, and his face twists in fear, rage and horror.

    “RETURN THAT, CHILD!” he screams, trying to snatch it. I pull my hand away and strike him again. The boy’s blood begins to leak from the cracks and I do as Gilgamesh had asked, grabbing the back of his head and driving my knee into his face to knock him unconscious, before following it up by jamming the key into his eye.

    I turn to the others as the boy’s blood pools around me. “Before you ask, Wart you know who I am, ask the sage more if you care. Shadow child, understand this, you are neither human nor god, do not give into the idolatry. As for you, Archer, we will speak again, when we do I will tell you the truth about the path you took”, I tell them.

    The woman, Sakura, furrows her brow in confusion or, perhaps, guilt and the wart nods, sheathing her sword. Archer opens his mouth to ask what I mean, but I cannot answer as the boy’s body is damaged too badly. As I leave his body resumes its lifeless slumber and I return to mine, content that the so-called king of heroes knows fear and perhaps humility. Unlikely, but I’ll settle for shutting his mouth at least.
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    it is my firm belief that regarding the ban of mike1984 I have been given insufficient reason for the affair and it's conclusion, further than this I feel that the light manner it has been treated in is appalling. It is my sincere hope that he is not regarded in the same way as actually malicious posters who have appeared on beast's lair or otherwise as a joke to be snickered at when spoken of in the future. I will not forget my friend or view him in the manner those in charge here have presented him and his actions, nor will I accept the situation as it stands where people snicker at him as if he were a joke.

  2. #2
    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    Ok, is this thread actually going to stay around this time? Cause I'm not going to bother writing any real critics if your just going to throw a hissy fit and delete it again.


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Knick View Post
    Ok, is this thread actually going to stay around this time? Cause I'm not going to bother writing any real critics if your just going to throw a hissy fit and delete it again.
    Same.


    Seriously though lantz, its...

    Well, you fixed one error, I'll give you that.

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    the master of infinite roads lantzblades's Avatar
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    read the author's note at the top, do that and we'll be fine. i intend on it sticking around now because it is part of the story. again READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE TOP PEOPLE
    http://forums.darksidemoon.net

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    it is my firm belief that regarding the ban of mike1984 I have been given insufficient reason for the affair and it's conclusion, further than this I feel that the light manner it has been treated in is appalling. It is my sincere hope that he is not regarded in the same way as actually malicious posters who have appeared on beast's lair or otherwise as a joke to be snickered at when spoken of in the future. I will not forget my friend or view him in the manner those in charge here have presented him and his actions, nor will I accept the situation as it stands where people snicker at him as if he were a joke.

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    This may hurt a little Neir's Avatar
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    Maybe the fourth time you post it you'll have fixed your previously addressed characterization errors?
    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    says the hater, you keep on hating, i'll be around ignoring your invalid, incorrect opinion.
    [18:00] Spinach: Because I don't like Saber's personality but boy oh boy does she make my dick turn to diamonds when I see her getting tentacled.
    [18:01] Leo: feeling superior to EU makes me hard
    [16:16] <Bloble> Drakengard? Is that a rhythm game?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    read the author's note at the top, do that and we'll be fine. i intend on it sticking around now because it is part of the story. again READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE TOP PEOPLE
    ...We still need context Lantz. I've read it four times and I haven't seen any context. Can you give us some context? Because this needs context.

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    the master of infinite roads lantzblades's Avatar
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    ...We still need context Lantz. I've read it four times and I haven't seen any context. Can you give us some context? Because this needs context.
    as Gil says during the fic Satoshi took a sword to the face without getting in arms reach, this is why it's not part of the main story (since that is told in 1st person and at this point Satoshi is "dead") the thing fighting him is a dragon, a big old badass dragon using the kid's body as a conduit. if gil knew this the fight would be different, he does not.
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    it is my firm belief that regarding the ban of mike1984 I have been given insufficient reason for the affair and it's conclusion, further than this I feel that the light manner it has been treated in is appalling. It is my sincere hope that he is not regarded in the same way as actually malicious posters who have appeared on beast's lair or otherwise as a joke to be snickered at when spoken of in the future. I will not forget my friend or view him in the manner those in charge here have presented him and his actions, nor will I accept the situation as it stands where people snicker at him as if he were a joke.

  8. #8
    This may hurt a little Neir's Avatar
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    Hell, even a fucking TIMELINE with one sentence descriptions of events would be something.
    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    says the hater, you keep on hating, i'll be around ignoring your invalid, incorrect opinion.
    [18:00] Spinach: Because I don't like Saber's personality but boy oh boy does she make my dick turn to diamonds when I see her getting tentacled.
    [18:01] Leo: feeling superior to EU makes me hard
    [16:16] <Bloble> Drakengard? Is that a rhythm game?

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    No glasses, huh? Mooncake's Avatar
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    Don't be too harsh; at least he's brave enough to put it back up when he knows he's gonna get mocked and criticized.

    ... It could use some polishing, though. A fair amount of polishing. A lot of polishing.

    ... A lot of polishing.
    Last edited by Mooncake; May 13th, 2013 at 05:20 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    as Gil says during the fic Satoshi took a sword to the face without getting in arms reach, this is why it's not part of the main story (since that is told in 1st person and at this point Satoshi is "dead") the thing fighting him is a dragon, a big old badass dragon using the kid's body as a conduit. if gil knew this the fight would be different, he does not.


    I had assumed it made more sense in context, but apparently it does not. Why is this kid being possessed by a dragon? How did the dragon get the key? Why is the dragon even fighting Gilgamesh?

    I'm even more confused now...
    Last edited by Arch-Magos Winter; May 13th, 2013 at 05:23 PM.

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    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    On of the major issues in this story is that you are using First person narrative without any real reason.

    The reason that First person narrative can be a strong tool is because it allows the author to give unique incite about how a character works without actually needing to give them dialog. Instead you can tell a lot based on their descriptions of their environments, or their mental reactions to the environment/situation. The biggest part about this in that it applies to you is that you are writing from the perspective of a character you have said is not human, but is only not human from a few phrases/statements that humans would not say, but even then they have a distinct 'human' feel. Therefor you fail to capitalize on this point.

    Another way you can use it is that you can give context without giving context, however that is more difficult and I would recommend against it until you improve as a writer more. How you would do this would be more of a story narrative from someones point of view which gradual builds up the world.

    Finally the greatest but most underrated factor of first person is that there is no way of understanding the thoughts of other characters. This allows you to create a "status-quo" based on the perceptions of a specific point of view, allowing you to change it up when/if you switch to another perspective. Overall this is probably the most valuable tool in this story.

    However overall you failed to use first person perspective to its full advantage. It would probably have been better to simply use Third Person limited, concealing the thoughts of the characters and building on them by their actions and words, however it would place much more emphasis on descriptive writing and dialog, but in the end I feel it would pay off.
    Last edited by Knick; May 13th, 2013 at 05:33 PM.


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Knick View Post
    On of the major issues in this story is that you are using First person narrative without any real reason.

    The reason that First person narrative can be a strong tool is because it allows the author to give unique incite about how a character works without actually needing to give them dialog. Instead you can tell a lot based on their descriptions of their environments, or their mental reactions to the environment/situation. The biggest part about this in that it applies to you is that you are writing from the perspective of a character you have said is not human, but is only not human from a few phrases/statements that humans would not say, but even then they have a distinct 'human' feel.

    Another way you can use it is that you can give context without giving context, however that is more difficult and I would recommend against it until you improve as a writer more. How you would do this would be more of a story narrative from someones point of view which gradual builds up the world.

    Finally the greatest but most underrated factor of first person is that there is no way of understanding the thoughts of other characters. This allows you to create a "status-quo" based on the perceptions of a specific point of view, allowing you to change it up when/if you switch to another perspective. Overall this is probably the most valuable tool in this story.

    However overall you failed to use first person perspective to its full advantage. It would probably have been better to simply use second person, concealing the thoughts of the characters and building on them by their actions and words, however it would place much more emphasis on descriptive writing and dialog, but in the end I feel it would pay off.
    He should use third instead of second then. Second is "You take up the sword, and swing it. You kill the goblin."

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    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    Isn't...

    First = from your point of view

    Second = overlooking but without access to thoughts

    Third = overlooking with acess to everything

    Or did i mess it up?
    Last edited by Knick; May 13th, 2013 at 05:29 PM.


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

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    Messed it up - the difference you're thinking of is that between Third Person limited (Your second person), and Third Person omniscient (Your third person).

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    Artistic Alien Kuradora's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knick View Post
    Isn't...

    First = from your point of view

    Second = overlooking but without access to thoughts

    Third = overlooking with acess to everything

    Or did i mess it up?
    First is from the narrator's point of view.
    Second is from 'your' point of view.
    Third is from the point of view of a narrator who doesn't take part in the action and may or may not know everything that is going on inside the characters' heads.

    Edit: sniped
    Last edited by Kuradora; May 13th, 2013 at 05:34 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vigilantia View Post
    Time to go to the holodeck! *Rams head up Sakura's vagina*

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    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arch-Magos Winter View Post
    Messed it up - the difference you're thinking of is that between Third Person limited (Your second person), and Third Person omniscient (Your third person).
    Oh yaa. I'll fix that.

    Sorry bout that.


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

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    Greatness, at any cost mAc Chaos's Avatar
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    First is from the character's POV. "I did this, I did that."

    Second is your POV. "You see this, you do that."

    Third is a third party describing other people. "They did this, they did that."
    He never sleeps. He never dies.

    Battle doesn't need a purpose; the battle is its own purpose. You don't ask why a plague spreads or a field burns. Don't ask why I fight.

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    the master of infinite roads lantzblades's Avatar
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    nier you've been asked to be polite, no need to swear. the timeline isn't something you'll need, the build up to this scene is all shown in the main fic it's just that there's Extra stuff that I need to finish to round out the world.

    Why is this kid being possessed by a dragon?
    Uther's progenitors made a deal with a dragon giving the line and Saber the power of the dragon, Merlin renewed this pact with the dragon so Satoshi is bound to the dragon completely.

    How did the dragon get the key?
    gate has a key, it's debatable if it's a physical object or not, i go with it being an invisible solid key. he snatched it.

    Why is the dragon even fighting Gilgamesh?
    he doesn't like Gilgamesh, i thought the dialogue made that obvious.

    but is only not human from a few phrases/statements that humans would not say, but even then they have a distinct 'human' feel.
    if that is what you got then it worked perfectly
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    it is my firm belief that regarding the ban of mike1984 I have been given insufficient reason for the affair and it's conclusion, further than this I feel that the light manner it has been treated in is appalling. It is my sincere hope that he is not regarded in the same way as actually malicious posters who have appeared on beast's lair or otherwise as a joke to be snickered at when spoken of in the future. I will not forget my friend or view him in the manner those in charge here have presented him and his actions, nor will I accept the situation as it stands where people snicker at him as if he were a joke.

  19. #19
    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    if that is what you got then it worked perfectly
    That a problem, when something non-human (especially in the nasuverse where that distinction is very very important because it actually changes how you view reality fundamentally) feels human, not acts human or pretends to be human, but feels human it means you failed to deliver on the core nature of what that character is.

    By doing so your stunting the importance, uniqueness, and overall interesting nature of a non-human character. Overall its not a good thing to be aiming for that.


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

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    もぐもぐ Mashina's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lantzblades View Post
    the thing fighting him is a dragon, a big old badass dragon using the kid's body as a conduit. if gil knew this the fight would be different, he does not.
    This bit. This is the main problem. Nowhere does it say in the fic that this is happening. Without knowing this beforehand, everything from "He whirls around and blood and sparks erupt from the boy’s body as I divert the blade." onward makes absolutely no sense. You might want to include a line mentioning that the narrator is inside the boy's body, because it's really not clear at the moment.
    I still have no idea who any of the characters who made brief cameos were, but that would at least make it possible to follow the events.

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