RATMAN'S EXTREME ALL CAPS EMERALD NUZLOCKE

[Ratman]

Spoiler:

...and with that, my Fire Red Nuzlocke ends. There's also the frankly huge postgame, which I am going to be doing for funsies I guess, but beating Elite Four was the challenge.
My Flareon named Free(since I've got him for free) died to the one too many sludge bomb, after I thought he would wreck the ghosts with 184 ATK and bite alone, and it turned out it's not enough, and his sub-100 def did him in. He died a man's death and I am proud of him.
Allow me to also mention:
Fatalick the Beedrill(sadly died at that exact moment in Fire Red where a bug type becomes actually useful)
Outrageous the Gyarados(yeah, that Magikarp, raised on raw hard work and guts died to critted Tri-Attack),
Wagner the Nidoking(locked himself into Trash, and the next Pokémon on Giovanni's TRHQ roster was Kanghaskhan who turned out to be tragically tough. I've been forced to watch my brother in arms getting Mega Punched to death and it was terrible)
Gygax the Snorlax(During the period of exploring the final grinding options aside from Victory Road, ran into wild Primeape, Cross Chop, crit... yeah. I've thought we would have gone all the way ;_; )
And numerous other deaths I've already, sadly, forgotten about.

Still, apparently pretty good for it being the first time I've played a Pokémon game ever, huh.

NOW FOR THE REAL THING
FIRST, THE RULES

Spoiler:

1) EVERY POKEMON WHO FAINTS IS CONSIDERED DEAD AND WILL BE MOVED INTO THE GRAVEBOX
A) EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

2) ONLY ONE POKEMON CAN BE CAUGHT AT EVERY LOCATION, THE FIRST ONE MET THERE
A) A TRAINER BATTLE DOES NOT COUNT AS AN ENCOUNTER
B) CITIES COUNT FOR LOCATIONS FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH. SO DO BIG DUNGEONS.
C) THERE ARE TO BE NO REFUNDS(Compared to Fire Red where I've skipped duplicates because the actual pokemon pool was limited and the game requies you to know 60+ Pokémon by the end, which I've still made only very barely). IF YOU END UP WITH FIVE PIDGEYS, FIVE RATTATTA'S AND FIVE MAGIKARP'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP FLAILING AROUND THE OLD ROD AS A COMPLETE FAGGOT, THEN SO BE IT
D) THE SPIRIT OF THE RULES IS SUCH THAT ONLY ONE POKEMON CAN BE OBTAINED IN EACH LOCATION. A POKEMON OFFERED FOR FREE IS TO BE REFUSED UNLESS NO POKÉMON WAS ENCOUNTERED YET. IF THE POKÉMON BEING GIVEN CANNOT BE REFUSED, IT IS TO BE IMMEDITALLY RELEASED. EXCHANGE IS POSSIBLE UNDER THE CONDITION THAT THE POKEMON BEING GIVEN AWAY HAD BEEN OBTAINED IN A RULES-LEGAL WAY. THERE ARE 34 ROUTES AND 16 CITIES IN HOENN, THUS THE NUMBER OF TOTAL OBTAINED POKÉMON SHOULD BE A BIT UNDER FIFTY, DUNGEON HERE, SCREW-UP THERE. I AM ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO DO EXCHANGES SINCE I PLAY ON PHONE, BUT JUST SO WE ARE CLEAR, THIS WON'T ALLOW ME TO ABUSE THE TOTAL LIMIT EITHER.
E) IF I WOULD HAVE EXPENDED ALL AVAILABLE RESOURCES AND THERE IS A HM I NEED TO ADVANCE THE GAME, THAT NONE OF MY POKÉMON CAN LEARN, I CAN NOT ACTUALLY CATCH ANOTHER, TEACH IT THE HM, AND RELEASE IT, AND AM FUCKED PROPER, SO I SHOULD PROPABLY KEEP THIS IN MIND AND NOT JUST RUSH EVERYWHERE AND CATCH THE FIRST THING I CAN

ADDITIONALLY,
3) ANY AMOUNT OF LEGENDARIES CAN BE CAUGHT, BUT ONLY A SINGLE LEGENDARY CAN EVER BE USED, SUCH A LEGENDARY HAS TO BE CAUGHT WITH AND OCCUPYING THE MASTER BALL

4) THE END GOAL FOR THIS GAME IS FINISHING THE POSTGAME OF EMERALD WHICH I CURRENTLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT, BUT DEFINITELY INCLUDES CATCHING OR KILLING ALL LEGENDARIES AND BATTLING ALL THE UNIQUE TRAINERS AND FIGHTING EVERY FIGHT THAT MATTERS

5) THE POKÉMON IN THIS RUN ARE TO BE NAMED BY THE NAMES OF WRITERS BOTH FAMOUS AND NOT

ENTER EMERALD

[Optimus]

Wow, does that mean you're gonna tackle the Battle Frontier in a Nuzlocke? Holy cow now that's being brave

[Ratman]

BEFORE I BEGIN, I SHOULD PROPABLY MENTION THAT I'VE SEEN THE BEGINNING OF THIS GAME ALREADY, SINCE I'VE AT FIRST STOLEN SOME TERRIBLE CRACKED VERSION, THAT MADE IT SO THAT I NEVER RAN INTO ENCOUNTERS IN WILD AND ADDED GRASS INTO CITIES FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON, CONSIDERING THE FIRST THING MADE THE OTHER USELESS.
THIS MADE GRINDING IMPOSSIBLE, HAD ME WASTE TWO POTIONS ON THE FIRST MAY FIGHT AND GOT ME WRECKED BY ROXANNE HARDCORE
ROXANNE WRECKING ME HELPED A LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANT I ACTUALLY KNEW TO EXPECT ROCK TOMBS AND ROCK THROW SPAM, IF I DIDN'T, THIS RUN COULD HAVE ENDED RIGHT THERE AGAIN.
HOWEVER, LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES:

PART ONE: PROLOGUE

Spoiler:

AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?



WHAT KIND OF A PARENT HAS THE KID ACTUALLY RIDE IN THE TRUCK WITH THE FURNITURE THAT IS BEING MOVED
I MEAN THERE ARE BOXES WITH HEAVY THINGS UP THERE AND IT'S VISIBLY SHAKING WHEN IT RIDES
I'VE GOT AN EXTREMELY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS



WELL MOM, SINCE YOU ASK, THE HOUSE VERY MUCH LOOKS TO BE FOUR METERS WIDE
WHERE IS THE REAL HOUSE?



YOU COULD PROPABLY PUT IT THAT WAY TOO



MOM, WHO PICKED THESE AS MOVERS
I MEAN ONE OF THEM SEEMS TO BE JUST WATCHING TV AND THE OTHER HAS A BOX AND CONFUSEDLY WALKS IN CIRCLES
AND THEY BOTH SPEAK UKRAINIAN OR SOMETHING
OH, WAIT, THAT'S JUST NORMAL MOVERS, NEVER MIND



...


ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PUTTING ME UNDER HOUSE ARREST BECAUSE I CAN'T SET A CLOCK
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, I ALREADY NEED A FUCKING CLOCK



GUESS THAT MEANS IT IS SLIGHTLY AFTER MIDNIGHT THEN
OKAY, LET'S VISIT THE NEIGHBORS



WOW, DO YOU PERHAPS ACTUALLY DO THIS ON PURPOSE
I FUCKING HATE YOU PEOPLE



YES. THE POKÉMON CARTOON SEEMS RIGHT UP HER ALLEY
WAIT SOMEONE IS COMING



GIRL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF A NOBLEBRIGHT GENKI GREAT CHILDHOOD GOLDEN KID YOU ARE.

BUT WANTING TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE SUCH AS ME MEANS YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO TASTE, NOR SELF-RESPECT AND IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.



GREAT, MAYBE I CAN CATCH SOME
PHYSICALLY
I WISH I HAD SOME BACK WHEN I GOT BULLIED IN THE CITY
GET MUGGED FOR MONEY BEHIND THE GYM, HYPER FANG HIS HAND, IMAGINE THAT
THOUGH, KNOWING ME, IT'S MORE LIKELY SCRATCH FOLLOWED BY PAY DAY



WOW, THERE'S MAY'S DAD AND HE IS BEING CHASED BY A SQUIRREL
COOL, I GET TO GO THROUGH HIS STUFF
TRAINER CARD NUMBER SAYS I GET TORCHIC, WHICH IS COOL, BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T, I'D IGNORE IT AND PICK HIM ANYWAY.
AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME COME OFF AS SORT OF A BAD PERSON.



I THEN USE MY NEW TOOL TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE ZIGZAGOON THAT CHASES PROF. BIRCH, BECAUSE I NEED THE GUY
IT ALSO MEANS I CAN CATCH NOTHING ON ROUTE 101, SINCE THE ZIGZAGOON CAN BE CAUGHT, EXCEPT I HAVE NO POKÉBALLS, WHICH IS WHAT I NEED THE GUY FOR. POKÉBALLS ARE THE LAST MISSING PIECE IN MY GRAND PLAN TO GET AWAY FROM HOME.




WHAT
NO

NOW, MAY IS NOT IN HER ROOM, AND I WANT TO GRIND MUSASHI ANYWAY. I CAN DO THIS ON ROUTE 101, SINCE I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE



AFTER A BIT OF WALKING I GET TO THE FIRST TOWN WITH A FORGETTABLE NAME, OBVIOUSLY THE FIRST PLACE TO VISIT IS THE MARKET



THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND WHITE HOT BLINDING SUNS OF HATEFUL FURY



MEET POOCHYENA, WE ARE GOING TO SEE A LOT OF IT IN THIS RUN
YOU THOUGHT RATTATTA WAS BAD? WELL YOU HAVEN'T MET POOCHYENA
RATTATTA AT LEAST HAD ACCESS TO GOOD MOVES SOON EVEN IF THE STATS WERE TERRIBLE
THIS GUY LITERALLY ONLY HAS BITE FOR MOST OF THE GAME, AND YOU HAVE TO SPECIFICALLY GRIND IT TO GET THE BITE
AND THE STATS ARE TERRIBLE AS WELL
I MEAN, MAGIKARP GETS FLAIL, YOU CAN WIN THE GAME WITH FOCUS SASH MAGIKARP WITH GOOD ATK AND SPD
THIS GUY, NOT SO MUCH


SIR, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE SOMETHING LIKE GYPSUM OR OTHER FAST STIFFENING SUSPENSION
SKETCHES ARE WORTH NOTHING, THE SHAPE OF THE FOOT IS PLASTIC RATHER THAN TWODIMENSIONAL
LOLNERDS



OKAY, NOW I JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH THESE SIX PATCHES OF GRASS AND I CAN GET BACK WITH POKÉBALLS AND ACTUALLY CATCH SOMETHING HERE



FUCK


COME ON, THERE ARE LIKE THREE OF THEM, THAT'S SOME BABBY WORK YOU ARE DOING



OH GOD MUDKIP I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE THE WORST STARTER
HOWEVER
YOU AND MAY GO TOGETHER WELL, AND I ACCEPT YOU AS THE VILLIAN


YEAH THAT WAS SOME FANCY SCRATCHING
I'M PRETTY GOOD



FINALLY I HAVE A WAY OF ACTUALLY HURTING OTHERS, IT'S LIKE SECOND CHRISTMAS


FUCKING JAPANESE AND THEIR ART CONSISTING OF DRAWING THE SAME FOUR LINES A MILLION TIMES UNTIL YOU CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THEM
I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE IT
NOT THE BEST WAY TO DO DOCUMENTATION THOUGH


YEAH SURE DADDY BOY
I DEMAND SATISFACTION



IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

ALSO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BATTLE FRONTIER EVEN IS YET

[Ratman]

PART TWO: THE PLOT THICKENS

Spoiler:

IT IS THE BEAK WITH WHICH I SHALL CARVE MY DESTINY INTO THE MEMORIAL DESK IN THE HALL OF FAME
STOP PETTING IT MOM, YOU WILL SPOIL IT



SO WHILE I WALK IN THE SHOES I HAVE TO BE PRESSING A BUTTON LOCATED ON THE SHOES IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO RUN AT ALL
...
THOSE DON'T SEEM TO BE VERY GOOD SHOES
MOM WAS IT THAT DEVON STREET SELLER AGAIN
MOM I'VE TOLD YOU YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SLAM THE DOOR SHUT



SO, THIS IS HOENN. IT HAS SOME TERRIBLE TOWN NAMES.



NO THEY DON'T, LIKE FIFTY DOES AT BEST AWAIT ME
UNLESS YOU COUNT THE ONES I AM GOING TO MURDER
IN THAT CASE IT'S MORE LIKE I AM WHAT AWAITS THEM



MAN, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW



...
ANYWAY. LET'S PUT THOSE BALLS INTO SOME ACTUAL USE



I FUCKING KNEW IT



THE TRAINWRECK BEGINS



IT LOOKS SOMEWHAT LIKE A PAPAVER HEAD
NOT SURE WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT ME



MOM TOLD ME NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS
THEN AGAIN, MOM



GUESS I CAN TRY TO TAKE ON THE GYM LEADER NOW
I MEAN, THE PERSONIFICATION-OF-JRPG-LINEARITY GUY AT THE END OF TOWN MAGICALLY WON'T LET ME PAST HIM ANYWAY
SO, IT'S ALL I AM GOING TO GET



OH GOD MY FATHER IS THE FIRST GYM LEADER
MY PARENT IS THE GO-TO GUY PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BEAT UP AS A TEST OF ADULTHOOD
JUST TRY TO IMAGINE THE SHAME
IT'S LIKE IF BROCK WAS YOUR FATHER
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FELT THIS SORRY FOR SOMEONE
THAT SOMEONE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE ME
I WONDER IF THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT ME IN THE FUTURE

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM STANDING HERE RIGHT BEFORE YOU
BRING IT ON
WHAT DO YOU MEAN GO ON A SIDEQUEST AND HELP A SICKLY KID CATCH SOMETHING



FIRST POKÉMON AND IT'S THE WAIFU ONE I KNOW EXCLUSIVELY FROM PORN SPAM
SOME PEOPLE
I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT MINE WAS, OUT OF SHAME



WAIT NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
YOU LUCKY ASS



YEAH DAD
THAT'S TOTALLY FUCKING WATERTIGHT



NO IN FACT I'VE RAN AWAY FROM HOME
COULD YOU SPARE ME SOME CHANGE SIR
I NEED MY REPEL FIX



THIS IS THE LEAST FUNNY JOKE I'VE SEEN MADE IN A POKÉMON GAME YET
PRETTY SURE EVERY GAME HAS IT, BUT I HOPE THIS ONE IS THE WORST VERSION



I SURE HOPE I CAN CATCH A SEEDOT, SINCE THE RULES ALLOW ME TO CALL HIM LOCKE
LET'S KILL HIM WITH LONDON, SINCE HE IS SUCH HICH LEVEL, YET HE JUST USES SOME STATUS SKILL THAT DOES NOTHING



OH GOD

GOOD THING I GET A FEW MORE CATCHES NOW



WHY DO YOU KEEP USING STRING SHOT
IT REALLY DOES DO NOTHING
THE POKÉMON GAME AI WOULD BE SUBSTANTIALLY IMPROVED IF BUG POKÉMON DIDN'T SPAM STRING SHOT
AS IF IT ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING
ACTUALLY, JUST REMOVE STRING SHOT, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH THE TIME SPENT DELETING IT AT THE FIFTH MOVE



I CATCH A WURMPLE AND NAME HIM HAVEL, AND THEN GET ON GRINDING HIM, WHICH IS EASY
CONSIDERING ALL THE OTHER WURMPLES IN THE AREA SPAM FUCKING STRING SHOT



I BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING FOR A REASON.

[Seika]

This is loud.

[Ratman]

CAPS LOCK DOES NOT HOLD THE MEANING OF VOLUME OR IMPORTANCE, BUT RATHER IS MEANT TO WORK AS THE CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

[Kelnish]

Nuzlocke runs never struck me as very fun. Did you have fun?

[Seika]

CAPS LOCK DOES NOT HOLD THE MEANING OF VOLUME OR IMPORTANCE, BUT RATHER IS MEANT TO WORK AS THE CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

I believe you're lying.

(These are excellent lines, though:
IT IS THE BEAK WITH WHICH I SHALL CARVE MY DESTINY INTO THE MEMORIAL DESK IN THE HALL OF FAME
STOP PETTING IT MOM, YOU WILL SPOIL IT)

[Ratman]

^^I cannot even imagine that playing a Pokémon game as not a nuzlocke might be fun at all anymore.
Doesn't the game just kind of give everything away to you? Don't you feel like everyone lies to you when they call you amazing, doesn't it feel like everyone is retarded for not owning all the Pokémon available in his area including toddlers, since you can buy two Pokéballs for the equivalent of lunch money and randomly catch everything by throwing it into the nearest patch of tall grass?

Oh yeah, and if you think Nuzlocke is just some thing that popped up, you should propably actually read Nuzlocke.
There's a good reason people keep doing this. It's a kind of singleplayer sandbox roleplay.

Anyway, rest till' now hopefully tomorrow. Extremely unreliable a person, expect nothing.

[Ratman]

PART THREE: THE STONE BADGE

Spoiler:

BOULDER BADGE, HERE I COME



HOW TERRIBLE
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD CUT IT ALL DOWN FOR ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO GIVE ANYONE CUT



PLEASE, NO, DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS

...

THERE IS ALSO A FATHER DEPRESSED THAT HIS DAUGHTER ISN'T SMILING AT ALL

IT'S LIKE THE SAD PRINCESS FAIRY TALE



LET'S SEE
THIS IS THE NEW BIG THING ON THE INTERNET, SURELY IT'S GOING TO BE FUNNY



HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT IT MIGHT BE A CASE OF HAVING ACTUAL TASTE OF HUMOUR

...

LET'S DO SOME GRINDING INSTEAD, BEFORE WE GO TO THE GYM
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: ROXANNE IS A ROCK GYM LEADER WITH FOCUS ON SPECIAL ATTACKS



WHICH IS WHY THIS ISN'T AS AWESOME AS IT COULD BE - BEAUTIFLY GETS GOOD ATTACKS AND STATS, BUT HAVEL BECAME A FLYING BUG, AND IS THEREFORE QUADRAPLY WEAK AGAINST STONE. HE DOES NOW HAVE ABSORB, WHICH COULD ACTUALLY HURT THE ROCK TYPE, BUT YOU CAN PROPABLY UNDERSTAND THAT I STILL SHOULDN'T EVEN BRING HIM TO THE GYM IF THE ODDS ARE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS
CONSIDER THAT TORCHIC IS PURE FIRE TYPE, WHICH HAS TROUBLE WITH ROCK AS WELL, AND LET'S NOT EVEN MENTION LONDON THE SECOND

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T MADE A POO-HYENA JOKE YET JUST BECAUSE I HAVE STANDARDS, BUT IT WOULD DEFINITELY BELONG HERE

THERE IS ALSO THIS THING:



I'VE MET IT AT THE ROUTE NORTH OF THE CITY THAT HAS LIKE TEN OTHER ENCOUNTERABLE POKÉMON
NAMED IT BRADBURY, BECAUSE, JUST LOOK AT IT

IT HAS UPROAR, WHICH IS SOMETHING LIKE TRASH'S RETARDED LITTLE BROTHER

IT'S ACTUALLY A LOT BETTER THAN IT LOOKS, ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT IT SPENT MOST OF ITS TIME IN LIFE WALKING AROUND IN THE FOREST, YELLING AT THINGS AND SLAPPING THEIR SHIT



I'VE THEN WALKED INTO THE TUNNEL LEADING INTO ANOTHER TOWN, AND MET ANOTHER ONE THERE -BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHISMURS IN THE TUNNEL-, WHICH HAD DISAPPOINTED ME SO MUCH I'VE EVEN FORGOTTEN TO CATCH IT



ALREADY??



WHAT'S NICE IS HOW TURNS OUT THAT COMBUSKEN IS FIRE/FIGHTING, WHICH NULLIFIES THE WEAKNESS AND GIVES HIM A SLIGHT EDGE OVER ROCK WITH DOUBLE KICK



I ALSO STOCK UP ON BERRIES DURING GRINDING, AFTER DROWNING THE PLANTS IN WATER



WAIT, WAS THIS HERE BEFORE?



THERE, I MEET A WINGULL
IT KNOWS WATER GUN ON LVL 4
WINGULLS ARE COOL



WELCOME TO THE PARTY, HEMINGWAY
I ALREADY LIKE YOU
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE LIKED YOU MORE AT THE MOMENT IF YOU DID NOT FLY
STILL, BETWEEN YOU AND MARILL, I AM GOING TO SAY YOU



FUCKING FINALLY
BY THE WAY, SHE ALSO HAS A DECENT TRACK RECORD WITH SAND ATTACK.
LET'S HOPE SHE ALSO LIVES TO SEE THE DOUBLE TEAM TM, SO SHE CAN SWEEP STRONGER TRAINERS WITH EVASION
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HAS ANY GOOD MOVES BEYOND BITE
AND CRUNCH
AND SUCKER PUNCH



PROPABLY AS GOOD AS IT'S GOING TO GET
LET'S HOPE THAT MUSASHI, BRADBURY, AND LONDON CAN TAKE THE GYM THEMSELVES



GOOD THING IS, THE LAYOUT OF THE GAME IS MUCH BETTER COMPARED TO FIRE RED
YOU CAN ACTUALLY HAVE GYM TRAINERS TAKE YOU ON TOGETHER IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CARE TO APPROACH THEM ONE AFTER ANOTHER AND INSTEAD WALK THROUGH THE MIDDLE
(BAD THING IS, THERE IS A LOT LESS TEXT IN THE GAME - YOU CAN'T EXAMINE MOST THINGS YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO EXAMINE)



THAT MAKES ME GLAD, HERE I'VE BEEN GETTING ALL SCARED SHE'S ACTUALLY STRONG

LET'S DO THIS



THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE YOU ARE A PEDAGOGY STUDENT
YOU KNOW, THE "HE WHO CAN'T DO IT HIMSELF, DOOMED TO MERELY TEACH IT" KIND



DAMMIT, GEODUDE FOR THE OPENER, ARE YOU SERIOUS
DO YOU HAVE A THING FOR BROCK OR SOMETHING, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT
ACTUALLY, IF YOU DO, YOU BETTER BUY A TICKET TO KANTO ASAP, DUDE BADLY NEEDS TO GET LAID

WELL. I START OUT WITH LONDON THE SECOND, BECAUSE SHE CAN BARELY NOT DIE FROM MOST CRITS, AND I WILL HAVE TO BEAT THE GEODUDES SOMEHOW WITHOUT COMBUSKEN, SINCE THEY HAVE QUITE A LOT OF DEBUFFS THAT COULD ADD UP IN THE END
WOULDN'T WANT TO WASTE TWO TURNS WITHDRAWING HIM BACK AND FORTH THEN
THIS IS ALSO AROUND THE TIME I REALIZE I CAN'T ACTUALLY USE WHISMUR, BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE HAS IS NORMAL TYPE, WHICH DOESN'T DO A LOT TO ROCK TYPES

THE FIRST FIGHT IS PRETTY FIERCE, AND WE BOTH WASTE ALL OF OUR SUPER POTIONS IN AN ATTEMPT TO AVOID DEATH BY CRIT
EVENTUALLY, LONDON MANAGES TO WIN ON FLINCHES FROM BITE
I THEN SWITCH HIM OUT FOR MUSASHI, HIS BITE IS IN YELLOW PP BY THEN, HE EARNED HIS DINNER
NOW I KINDA HOPE COMBUSKEN CAN OHKO THE SECOND GEODUDE(WHAT IS EVEN THE MEANING OF THIS) FROM ROXANNE
HE DOESN'T, BUT GEODUDE JUST TACKLES HIM INSTEAD OF ROCK TOMBING, WHICH DOESN'T DO THAT MUCH
(SORRY FOR THE LACK OF PICTURES. THE FIRST PART WAS KINDA DRAGGED ON)



THIS THING IS PRETTY TOUGH. IT TAKES MUSASHI FOUR DOUBLE KICKS TO TAKE IT DOWN, THE LAST ONE HARDLY EVEN CHIPPING IT
IT WAS BEING WHOLLY DEFENSIVE, THOUGH. GOOD THING I MADE HER WASTE ALL THOSE POTIONS ON GEODUDES
ALSO GOOD THING HER GEODUDES DIDN'T HAVE SELF-DESTRUCT, BUT WE WILL DEFINITELY START ENCOUNTERING THIS ISSUE SOMEWHERE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE RUN
I WONDER WHAT IS THIS GAME'S EQUIVALENT OF WHEEZING



OH NO, NOT THIS, DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS, NOT EVEN I CAN HANDLE FORCING THE BURDEN OF CUT ON ANYONE



I KNOW, RIGHT? GET THIS: SHE HAD TWO GEODUDES
TWO
WOULD IT KILL HER TO CATCH A GODDAMN SUDOWOODO?

[Ratman]

PART FOUR: THE KNUCKLE BADGE

Spoiler:

SO, YOU ARE DIGGING A TUNNEL WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
TO GET TO YOUR SWEETHEART WHO WAITS FOR YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE
IT'S ALL VERY HOT-BLOODED AND GURREN LAGANN-Y
AND THEN A TOTALLY NOT A PIRATE COMES
AND HE ASKS YOU TO PLEASE GO
AND YOU DID, JUST LIKE THAT

ARE YOU TRYING TO TRICK ME?



THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE



THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST POKÉMON NICKNAME I HAVE SEEN TO DATE



YOU ARE QUITE CONFUSED YOURSELF, I SEE



AND INCOMPETENT, TOO



EXCEPT FOR HOW I DIDN'T FIND YOU THERE WHEN I LOOKED FOR YOU BEFORE
YOU KNOW, WHEN I'VE ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU
LINEARITY AHOY



OKAY?



SO THERE IS NO POST SERVICE IN HOENN
THAT'S WHAT GLOBAL SOCIALISM DOES FOR YOU
WORLD BUILT FOR OUR CHILDREN, MORE LIKE WORLD OF CHILD LABOR



THEN THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING



I AM GOING TO ACTUALLY GO THERE INSTEAD, BECAUSE IT'S, YOU KNOW, THE CLOSEST FUCKING GYM AROUND



YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID RIGHT AWAY YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME STUFF
I WOULD HAVE PREFFERED CASH THOUGH
PHONE IS KINDA USELESS, SEEING HOW I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM CURSED WITH ONLY MEETING RETARDS
AND NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY IT FROM ME EITHER, BECAUSE YOUR STUFF ISN'T VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT
CHECK OUT THESE BOOTS, YOU CAN'T RUN IN THEM WITHOUT CONSTANTLY KICKING YOUR CHIN, BECAUSE YOU ARE CROUCHED
IT'S ALREADY AFFECTING MY STATURE



SPOILER: HE NEVER COMPLETES IT, WHICH SUCKS, BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE KABUTOPS



"HEY SIR YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME COLOGNE OH NO DON'T TAKE OFFENSE IN THAT I AM STILL NEW TO THIS
ANYWAY I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU THIS SAMPLE TOTALLY FOR FREE, BUT ONLY IF YOU BUY THIS BOOK FULL OF ADVERTISEMENT FOR A HUNDRED ALONG WITH IT
THE SAMPLE AS I SAID IS TOTALLY FOR FREE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED WHATSOEVER"



NO, SIR, I WANT NO EXTRA TARIFS, OR LIMITED DEALS, OR BONUS DEODORANTS
I MEAN, PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME A LOT OF DEODORANTS FOR CHRISTMAS SO I AM PACKED
STRANGE, REALLY, NO IDEA WHY DO THEY KEEP DOING THAT



EVERYONE PAY ATTENTIONG HERE,
THIS IS THE KIND OF A GUY WHO MAKES A LIVING OUT OF PAYING PEOPLE FOR ANNOYING AND LYING TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET



DID YOU TRY CRAWLING BETWEEN THE STONES?
I SEE NO REASON WHY CRAWLING OVER THEM WOULDN'T WORK, EITHER
I MEAN, EITHER THERE IS SPACE BETWEEN THEM, OR THEY ARE HARDLY HALF YOUR HEIGHT
MAYBE IT'S GOING TO WORK ONCE YOU STOP BEING SO OBSCENELY FAT
OBVIOUSLY THE HEAD IS STILL GOING TO STAY HUGE, BUT YOU ARE MARTIAL ARTIST DAMMIT




WHY SHOULD I CARE, RICH-ASS, NOW BRING OUT THE POCKET MONEY

IN OTHER NEWS, IT TURNED OUT THAT NOBODY I HAVE CAN LEARN CUT BUT MUSASHI,
SO I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE A MOVESLOT AWAY FROM MY GODDAMN STARTER
MY SUFFERING KNOWS NO BOUNDS
LET'S GO AWAY FROM THIS AWFUL PLACE



FUCK



NO



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



DID YOU LITERALLY FOLLOW ME HERE YOU CLINGY THING
IT'S GETTING CREEPY



I DID, BUT FIGHTING YOU IS THE VAINEST EXPERIENCE
IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING AND GIVES YOU MORE JUICE TO GO ON

...

DAMN, YOU REALLY AREN'T GOING TO LET ME LEAVE THE CITY AT ALL, ARE YOU



SHE SENDS OUT HER HORRIBLY UNDERLEVELED TORKOAL FIRST
LONDON GETS FLINCHES ON BOTH OF HER BITES, AND THEN TACKLES IT DOWN
THAT WAS EASY
LET'S SEE IF SHE IS BAD ENOUGH AT THIS TO GET HER STARTER TAKEN DOWN WITH A POOCHYENA



NO POTIONS YET
SHE ISN'T



ABSORB DOESN'T WORK NEARLY AS WELL AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED
OH WELL
SMELL YA LATER



I ALSO HAD THE OPTION TO GIVE LONDON EVERSTONE AND GET HER TO LEARN CRUNCH EARLIER
BUT I DOUBT SHE WOULD ACTUALLY SURVIVE WITHOUT BEING EVOLVED
OH, SHE ALSO CHANGES ABILITY FROM RUN AWAY TO INTIMIDATE, WHICH IS HILARIOUS



THANK YOU, THAT IS EXCACTLY THE BOOSTER ITEM I HAVE NO NEED FOR RIGHT NOW



WHEN MR. BRINEY ISN'T SEAFARING, WHICH IS TO SAY ALWAYS, HE SPENDS TIME CHASING HIS BIRD AROUND THE TABLE IN HIS HOUSE
I HOPE I AM NOT GOING TO DROWN IN TH NEAR FUTURE



ON THE RIDE WHICH SPOILS A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF THE GAME'S CONTENT TO ME BECAUSE THERE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT MUCH MORE SPACE FOR SURFING, I GET A CALL FROM NORMAN



DAD DO YOU EVER ACTUALLY THINK BEFORE SPEAKING OUT LOUD
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I'VE TURNED OUT THE WAY I AM

WHATEVER, JUST DON'T GIVE THIS NUMBER TO MOM
ANYTHING BUT THAT


AAAAND SECOND GYM CITY



THAT SOUNDS KIND OF LIKE ANY VILLAGE TO BE HONEST



WHAT



IT TURNS OUT THAT THIS ISN'T JUST ANY VILLAGE
IT'S EXPLICITLY A HIPSTER VILLAGE
A VILLAGE OF VERY STUPID HIPSTERS, BUT STILL HIPSTERS
A LOT OF PEOPLE EVEN WEAR SHIRTS AND GLASSES AND STUFF HERE



THIS THING IS MADE SO THAT IT'S KIND OF HARD TO MAKE THOSE PEOPLE SAY ANYTHING PARTICULARILY OFFENSIVE
STILL, LET'S TRY TO WORK WITH IT








GOTH HIPSTER VILLAGE GET

NOW, LET'S DO SOME HUNTING
FIRST, THE CITY



INTO THE BOX IT GOES

THERE IS ALSO A CAVE WITH A LOT OF INTERESTING STUFF, I HOPE I GET A MAKUHITA OR A SABLEYE OR AN ARON OR A MA-



YUP



AT LEAST I GET A BAD JOKE OUT OF IT



THIS NIGGA GIVES ME FLASH AND SERIOUSLY EXPECTS ME TO USE IT
HE ADDS THAT I CAN'T ACTUALLY REALLY USE IT ANYWAY



THIS CAVE ACTUALLY ROCKS FOR GRINDING
HAVEL'S STATS ARE SHAPING UP REALLY GOOD, AND HEMINGWAY NOW HAS WING ATTACK
SO I NOW HAVE SOMETHING TO ACTUALLY USE AGAINST THE FIGHTING GYM IN THIS CITY
ASIDE FROM GODDAMN GUST AND PECK



STOKER IS REALLY HARD TO TRAIN BECAUSE THE MOST RELIABLE WAY OF INFLICTING DAMAGE HE HAS IS SUPERSONIC
HE OCCASIONALLY GETS LUCKY WITH IT THOUGH



YOU SOUND BORING





THIS HOLDS NO WATER, LIKE TEN PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME THIS
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL AND DON'T MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL

WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA




HOLY FUCK IS THIS EVEN LEGAL



HAHAHA, THAT'S GREAT
YOU SURE SHOWED HER, YOU

...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER, GYM TIME. HOPE I AM GOING TO BE OKAY




THE MEDITITES OF THE GYM TRAINERS ARE PRETTY DANGEROUS
OR THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF THEY HAD PSYCHIC MOVES THAT DO THINGS



LET'S DO THIS



YEAH, I DIDN'T CHOOSE THE NUZLOCKE LIFE EITHER
WAIT, I DID
DAMN



I START OUT WITH HEMINGWAY, SINCE HE HAS THE LEAST PROPABILITY OF TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING TO HIM

TWO WING ATTACKS, BULK UP, AND A REALIZATION THAT THUNDERPUNCH IS A THING LATER:





THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY, REALLY HARD.
BITE DOES A BIT OVER A QUARTER OF HIS HEALTH TO BEGIN WITH, AND THE MEDITITE KEEPS SHUFFLING BETWEEN BULK UP AND FOCUS PUNCH
HE MANAGES TO GET FOUR BULK UPS IN BEFORE BRAWLY RUNS OUT OF POTIONS
HE EVEN PUTS UP REFLECT AT SOME POINT
I CAN'T WITHDRAW LONDON EITHER, OUT OF FEAR OF A FOCUS PUNCH GETTING THROUGH
ONCE AGAIN, LONDON ALMOST RUNS OUT OF BITES, WHICH IS ALL HE CAN DO TO KEEP INTERRUPTING HIS FOCUS
EVENTUALLY, IT DIES TO A LUCKY CRIT



HERE, MUSASHI ONLY REALLY HAS PECK TO WORK WITH
HOPEFULLY IT IS GOING TO BE ENOUGH



OH



SO, THEY BOTH EAT UP THEIR BERRIES. I GO ON WITH SUPER POTION SO I WON'T HAVE TO RISK ANYTHING
MAKUHITA BULKS UP FURTHER
PECK, BULK UP
REVERSAL WOULD HURT HERE



YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH




BRAWLY THEN BRAGS ABOUT HOW I TOTALLY NEED IT TO USE FLASH
NO, NOT REALLY, I NEED IT TO LIVE OUT MY OEDIPUS COMPLEX



THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, I CAN WORK WITH



NOT THIS THOUGH



IT'S SO BRIGHT THE BATTERY HAS RUN DRY

[Kotonoha]

Gotta agree with Kelnish, Nuzlockes are kind of lame.

[Artee]

I don't like nuzlockes either, but well, it's a challenge.

Also, Torchic isn't cool until it turns into Blaziken.

[Ratman]

Gotta agree with Kelnish, Nuzlockes are kind of lame.

Pokémon is lame.

[Kotonoha]

Ratman is lame.

[Ratman]

How do you make witty comback to when ad persona becomes a valid argument to make it look as if no true discussion had occured again?

oh I know

NO U

PART FIVE: SHORT TALES OF ANGER AND REGRET

Spoiler:

AWAY




THIS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S BEHIND THE CORNER, BUT IT'S REALLY, REALLY FAR
SUGOI SPOILERS ONCE AGAIN, OLD MAN, KIND OF KILLS THE WHOLE ADVENTURE IN YET UNSEEN LANDS THING



NEXT TIME YOU PEOPLE DO A DOUBLE ENTENDRE, MAKE SURE BOTH SIDES ARE FUNNY



I WAS SO DONE WITH YOU, TOO



OKAY, I JUST NEED TO BEAT THOSE THREE BULLIES TO GET TO THAT SODA MACHINE
THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY
DID THAT KIND OF STUFF ALL THE TIME IN THE POKÉSCHOOL



DAYUM, THIS ONE IS A GIRL AND SHE LOOKS KIND OF LIKE THE CHICK FROM KoF
MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER
OR NOT
SPAGHETTI ALL OVER THE FLOOR



TAKE OUT THE STEEL WING, AND THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE STORY OF MY LIFE



WAIT, I DIDN'T QUITE THINK MY CUNNING PLAN THROUGH HERE
SHE'S GOT PECK OF COURSE, BUT I SHOULD STILL BE ALRIGHT, UNLESS-



SOMETHING RETARDED HAPPENS
WELL, HE SHOULD STILL BE ALRIGHT, HE SHOULD STILL HAVE 1 HP IF HE HURTS HIMSELF AND GETS PECKED
LET'S HEAL HIM THOUGH
TWO TURNS LATER:



CRIT AND MISFIRE TOGETHER
I... REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY HERE
FUCK
SORRY
LIKE REALLY



TAKE THIS
MY FRUSTRATION
ANGER
AND ALL OF MY REGRET
H-HERE I GO



Y-YOU TOO



YEAH FAGGOT I SURE HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY NOW



THIS SODA IS LIKE MY TEARS
IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE WINE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GET IN CHURCH BUT THEY NEVER GIVE IT AWAY, EXCEPT NOT REALLY
SUPER POTIONS, YOU GUYS WILL GET WHEN YOU ARE HURT
SODA, ONCE YOU MAKE ME PROUD



LIAAAAAAR
IT'S NOT IN THE ROOM AND I CAN'T GET PAST THE OFFICE LADIES
THOSE LADIES ALSO KEEP CALLING ME A THIEF, NOT SURE WHY
I MEAN POKÉMON CENTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR FREE



THIS WILL COME IN HANDY WHEN I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP TONIGHT



ONE OF YOU GUYS AGAIN
I BET DEVON HAS YOU BOUGHT, TOO



MEGACORPORATIONAL CONSPIRACY
MANIPULATION OF MEDIA



DAMN



I GUESS



ISN'T THERE A LAW AGAINST THIS



YO NIGGA
AIN'T GOT NO NEED FOR STYLE, NOR MY POKÉMON
WANNA SHOW ME HOW TO SWAG, JUST GET COOLY GONE



LET ME THROUGH TO THE MUSEUM GUYS I WANNA SEE SOME KABUTOOOOS



YOUR LEADER HAS TASTE
SHAME HE'S GAY



DO YOU WANT THE SERIOUS ANSWER, OR THE OBVIOUS ANSWER?



TECHNICALLY, THIS WOULD NOT BE AGAINST THE RULES, BECAUSE I ONLY REALLY GAIN THE ITEM
IT WOULD BE REALLY MEAN TO YOU, THOUGH, EVERYONE SEEMS TO DIE HORRIBLY AROUND ME



THIS IS TO IMPLY HE HAS A LOT OF 'REAR DUTY', IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN



IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WANT TO DELIVER IT OR ANYTHING
I'VE JUST HAPPENED TO PASS BY WITH THIS HUGE, HEAVY CRATE
DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA





YOU WIN THIS TIME, GAME



OKAY, CROWD GONE, LET'S GO SEE SOME KABUTOS



TURNS OUT IT'S THE TM FOR THIEF
WONDER IF HE WAS A PART OF THE GBA CABLE CONSPIRACY, TOO



THE GUY WHO DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING GETS THE CORNER WITH THE DUNCE HAT FOR A WEEK



WHOA A WATER TYPE
I PUT ON MY DUNCE HAT OF BRILLIANCE AND A CLOAK OF DISPLACEMENT

THIS COULD BE HARD



IT ISN'T, THOUGH
NEITHER IS THE OTHER GUY



I INDEED CAN NOT




THIS IS EXACTLY AS RETARDED AS IT SOUNDS

HE THEN HEELTURNS AND LEAVES FOR NO REASON




AFTER WHICH HE ALSO HEELTURNS AND LEAVES FOR NO REASON AT ALL

IF I WAS ARCHIE, I'D WAIT FOR HIM BEFORE THE BUILDING, FOLLOW HIM AND MUG HIM

AND WHO IS TO SAY HE WON'T, REALLY?




BY THE WAY, THIS IS THE MOST BORING MUSEUM

IT ONLY HAS WATER ON DISPLAY

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A HELIX FOSSIL, AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE HELIX FOSSILS



THIS MEANS HE IS GOING TO STALK ME
OR HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME



SEE?



YOU BETTER BELIEVE THIS IS GOING TO COME UP LATER




SIR, I AM NOT HER MOTHER, OR FATHER FOR THAT MATTER
I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE FLUSTRED SHE RAN AWAY FROM HOME BECAUSE OF ME
HOWEVER, I DON'T SEE ANY WAY I COULD HELP YOU
I'LL TELL HER YOU ARE MAD THE NEXT TIME I SEE HER THOUGH
...
YEAH, WHATEVER, HERE'S MY NUMBER



GOT A VERY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS



NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I FUCKING HATE YOU PEOPLE



YIFF IN HELL FURFAGS



IS THIS THE PART WHERE YOU SATISFY YOUR CAT WITH A STRAP-ON ON A CAMERA
WAIT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
COME TO THINK OF IT, ALL THE CHANNELS IN THE TV ARE ACTUALLY FURRY CHANNELS
INTERESTING
BUT HOW DO YOU DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL WITHOUT DISCOVERY CHANNEL?



YEAH I KNOW THAT
LET THE ANGER FLOW THROUGH YOU
I REALLY SHOULD GIVE SOMEONE FRUSTRATION AS A MOVE
THEY ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY THOUGH, SO IT WOULD BE WEAK
HOW FRUSTRATING



COOL I BET THE NEXT EVOLUTION IS EITHER A REDCAP GNOME OR A DR. LIGHT GNOME



WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN



FUCK



HUNTAN TIME



FUCK!



I CATCH HIM ANYWAY, AND NAME HIM KIPLING
HE MIGHT COME IN HANDY



GOOD THING I DIDN'T CATCH ONE OF THESE, BECAUSE IN THE SHORT PERIOD OF CONTACT WE HAD, THEY HAVE TAUGHT ME TO HATE THEM
IT IS ALSO OF NOTE THAT THIS ROUTE IS THE SIDEWALK OF A CYCLING ROAD, SO IT'S INCREDIBLY LONG
NOW HALF MY TEAM IS PARALYZED AND I RAN OUT OF HEALS

WHICH IS GOING TO MAKE THE FOLLOWING SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC:



HELLO YOUNG LADY
YOUR FATHER IS LOOKING FOR YOU



YOU LITERALLY GIVE ME NO CHOICE
YOU DID THE OTHER TIME
MAYBE YOU ARE BECOMING EDGIER?



THAT WAS EASY
NOW FOR THE MAIN DISH
LET'S SEE IF BRADBURY CAN TAKE IT



HE CAN'T
I'LL MAKE HIM, THOUGH



MANAGED, BUT HAS GOT ENOUGH
DESERVES THE SODA, SINCE I DIDN'T EVEN WASTE THE POTION
OR MAYBE IT WAS THE MARSHTOMB BEING DUMB



LOOKS LIKE AN EASY FINISH, RIGHT?



SLUGMA IS OBVIOUSLY SLOW, SO HEMINGWAY GETS THE WATER GUN IN FASTER
DAMN, THOUGH, THAT SCARED ME



YOU ARE MAKING IT QUITE HARD FOR ME TO STAY IN CHARACTER




NEVER MIND

SHE RODE AWAY ON A GODDAMN BIKE

THIS IS A SIDEWALK, BIKING ROAD IS ON THE BRIDGE OVER US

MAY CONFIRMED FOR CREEPY STALKER

[Ratman]

PART SIX: THE DYNAMO BADGE

Spoiler:

THIS ROUTE IS REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING



I SEE DEAD POKÉMON



FINALLY



THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM
EITHER THE RNG LIKES GIVING ME FLIERS, OR THERE IS A LOT OF FLIERS IN HOENN
EITHER WAY, HEMINGWAY AND HAVEL ARE RIGHT OUT



STOP BULLYING



NO
WE ARE TIRED AND FUCKED UP
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN, ANYWAY?



YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF AND I HATE YOU FOR IT SO I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU
JUST WAIT HERE 'TILL WE GET RESTED
THAT MIGHT MEAN, WAIT HERE UNTIL TOMORROW
OR NOT, DEPENDING ON YOUR INTERPRETATION OF HOW THE POKÉMON CENTRES WORK



YOU'RE WAIFU A SHIT



SINCE THE RNG INDEED DOES HATE ME AND THE PARALYSIS LETS EVERYTHING OF HIS THROUGH AND BLOCKS EVERYTHING OF HAVEL'S
I SWITCH TO LONDON, WHO, FITTINGLY, LAUGHS AT HIS PSYCHIC MUMBO JUMBO AND DOWNS HIM WITH A BITE
LIKE THE MAN SHE IS NOT



...



I GOT NINETY NINE PROBLEMS, BUT A FRIEND AIN'T ONE



YEAH, THAT'S BLOOD
SORRY FOR THE MESS
I DON'T RUN A LOT, SO I STILL HAVE THE TEETH




DID I ACTUALLY FIND THE ONE GOOD PERSON IN HOENN?
YOU SIR ARE A PRETTY COOL GUY

I MEAN, THERE WAS ONE OTHER PERSON WHO ONCE GAVE ME A BIKE
THAT GUY WAS A FUCKING FURFAG THOUGH, FROM KANTO
HAD TO LISTEN ABOUT HIS RAPIDASH FOR A FEW HOURS BEFORE HE DID

JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE ARE TWO BIKES IN EMERALD. BOTH ARE QUITE ANNOYING IN THEIR OWN RIGHT



AAAH, ROCK SMASH
THE ONE MOVE THAT IS WORSE THAN CUT
FORTUNATELY KIPLING CAN LEARN IT, AND STRENGTH AS WELL, ONCE HE BECOMES MIGHTYENA - SO GUESS HE'S GOING TO BE THE HM GUY FOR US
WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S PROPABLY THE BEST FATE HE COULD POSSIBLY GET
I MEAN HE WON'T BE PERMANENTLY STUCK IN THE BOX, BUT HE WON'T DIE EITHER, UNLESS HE GETS OFFED IN TRAINING
(WHICH BY THE WAY DID ALMOST HAPPEN DESPITE HIM BEING ON EXP.SHARE)



THIS PLACE IS A LOT HARDER AND A LOT MORE RIGGED THAN THE OTHER GAME CORNERS
LET'S SEE WHETHER THERE IS ANYTHING OF VALUE TO BE EVEN TRYING FOR, BESIDES THE DOUBLE TEAM TM, WHICH WE DO KIND OF WANT



WAIT
WAAAAAAAIIT A MINUTE HERE
IS THIS SOME KIND OF AN INSIDE JOKE OR
I MEAN
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?



THE ROUTE WEST OF THE CITY AND THE BIKEROAD ARE FULL OF TRAINERS WHO ARE GOING TO BE GOOD FOR GRINDING
THEY HAVE CASH, TOO, AND I KNOW THEIR NUBERS AND WHERE THEY LIVE

BEFORE THAT, HUNTAN TIME




THAT'S ACTUALLY OKAY, KIND OF JUST WHAT I WANT, EVEN



HE IS ALSO OF NAUGHTY NATURE
THAT IS TO SAY HE IS JUST A TOTAL ASSHOLE. THIS COMES UP SURPRISINGLY OFTEN IN BATTLES



THERE IS ALSO THIS CITY
THERE IS NOTHING IN HERE SAVE FOR A BATTLE TENT AND NEST BALLS IN THE MARKET



WOW, ROCK SMASH IS EVEN MORE TOTALLY USELESS THAN EVER
LOOKS LIKE I HAVE TO BEAT THE GYM TO ADVANCE

SPEAKING OF USELESS MOVES



KINDA THOUGHT THAT SWEET SCENT IS GOING TO ENABLE ME TO LURE SOME WILD POKÉMON WHERE I COULDN'T MEET THEM
NOPE, IT JUST MAKES AN ENCOUNTER HAPPEN WHERE IT ALREADY COULD
GUESS BAUDELAIRE WILL HAVE TO LET GO OF ALL THAT HIPPIE BULLSHIT
HE'S GOING TO GROW INTO SOME TOXIC/PROTECT BASTARD, I'M SURE



*CRACK*
WONDER WHAT THAT WAS



I SEE
*BA DUM TSS*





GUESS YOU ARE GOING TO
*PUTS SHADES ON LONDON*
DEAL WITH IT



MY BODY WILL PROPABLY NEVER BE READY
THERE IS A FINE, FINE LINE BETWEEN A CHALLENGE AND SUICIDE
BETWEEN POKÉMON DYING BECAUSE OF YOUR INCOMPETENCE, AND CARELESSLY SEDNING THEM TO DEATH IN JEOPARDY
I SAID I AM GOING TO DO THESE THOUGH, EVEN IF I HAVE TO USE THREE GYARADOSES
JUST, THERE IS A LOT OF BULLSHIT RULES TACKED ON, DIFFERENT IN EVERY TENT, THAT I WILL HAVE TO LOOK INTO FIRST SO I DON'T LOSE A LOT OF, UM, RESOURCES, BEFORE IT'S DONE
THAT'S NOT SPEAKING OF THE BATTLE FRONTIER WHICH IS BASICALLY THE DEATH WISH LEAGUE
IT'S NOT LIKE I REALLY LOVE MY POKÉMON THOUGH, OR TAKE THIS WHOLE BATTLING BUSSINESS SERIOUSLY
HAHA
THERE IS NO MORAL ISSUE AT ALL
I AM NOT SCARED OF LOSING THE ONLY BEINGS THAT HAVE EVER REMOTELY CARED ABOUT ME
IT'S JUST THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SEEMS TO BE SO BAD AT THIS POKÉMON BATTLING BUSSINESS THAT I WANT TO SHOW THEM BY BEATING THEM DOWN USING COLD LOGIC, WHILE BEING AT MASSIVE HANDICAP OF THE CHALLENGE
I AM NOT EVEN TALENTED OR ANYTHING, EVERYONE ELSE IS BAD
DAD ESPECIALLY
SO I GUESS I WILL TRAIN SPARES ONCE IT COMES UP OR SOMETHING

ALSO THE CHALLENGE LETS ME SELL THESE REVIVES FOR FAT CASH, THAT'S KIND OF COOL
YEAH, THIS CHALLENGE SURE IS BETTER THAN THE REAL THING




I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS KID



SO, THERE IS A FOUR-MEMBER FAMILY THAT WANTS TO BATTLE
THEY ARE LIKE SOME KINDA ELITE FOUR EXCEPT NOT ELITE
AT ALL



THIS IS HOW IT ENDS WHEN YOU ONLY HAVE ONE REAL MOVE
IT KEEPS HAPPENING




MOM IS KIND OF BETTER THAN DADDY BUT NOT BY MUCH
THE REAL PROBLEM HERE IS THAT YOU GET NO BREAK BETWEEN THEM
SO IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE WITH ZERO OFFENSIVE PP IN FRONT, LIKE ME
THEY ALL GET A TURN IN




PROPABLY THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING
OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HAVEL MISSED THE PARALYZING POWDER THREE TIMES IN A ROW
GRANDMA TAIMU




SADLY FOR GRANDMA, HAVEL IS BUG/FLYING, WHICH HARD COUNTRES THE FIGHTING/PSYCHIC
SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WITH BRAWLY



BET HE'S A COMPLETE NOBODY

MOM ALSO GIVES ME MACHO BRACE
SO I GET TO GRIND EFFORT VALUES PROPERLY NOW
NOT YET, THOUGH
EXPERIENCE ONLY NOW
BAUDELAIRE NEEDS IT, ESPECIALLY



AND HONESTLY, HE'S SHAPING UP TO BE KIND OF INSANE
...



THE TIME HAS COME, AND SO HAVE I
AS A SIDE-NOTE, IT'S CONFUSING TO CONSTANTLY SEE THESE GYM SIGNS WITHOUT GARY MOTHERFUCKING OAK SIGNED UNDER THEM



YEAH, LT.SURGE IN KANTO HAS YOU SEARCHING THROUGH TRASH BINS FOR ELECTRIC SWITCHES
GUESS HE GOT BULLIED A LOT IN THE ARMY, TOO



WHY DOES EVERYONE IN HERE HAVE THESE THINGS
GIVING IT THUNDERPUNCH DOESN'T MAKE IT LIGHTNING TYPE



YEAH, LT.SURGE IN KANTO-



WAIT, YOU ARE DEAF, AREN'T YOU



I'VE GOT A TERRIBLE FEELING ABOUT THIS



HOLY -
ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?
HERE I WAS DOUBTING MY OWN SANITY
GOOD THING BAUDELAIRE WAS OVERGRINDED AND HAD STATS LIKE THAT




PRETTY SURE THIS THING IS SECOND SO IT CAN PARALYZE ONE OF MY GUYS AND DIE HORRIBLY
SO, LONDON HOWLS IT AGAIN, LET'S FIGHT IT LATER



OH COME ON



LONDON GETS A TWO SAND ATTACKS AND TWO BITES IN, WHILE THE THING KEEPS HOWLING
IT THEN QUICK ATTACKS HIM TWICE, MISSING FIRST TIME, HITTING THE SECOND, FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE
I SWITCH HIM OUT FOR MUSASHI



WELL THIS IS NOT FUN



MUSASHI DOUBLEKICKS IT
AMAZINGLY, HE DOUBLECRITS
EVEN MORE AMAZINGLY, IT SURVIVES, AND HOWLS FURTHER
OBVIOUSLY WATTSON IS GOING TO USE A SUPER POTION HERE

SINCE THE QUICK ATTACK COULD KILL MUSASHI HERE ALREADY, I SWITCH HIM OUT FOR BRADBURY
HE HAS ENOUGH BULK TO SURVIVE TWO SHOCKWAVES IN A ROW, OR EVEN QUICK ATTACKS STILL
HE CAN'T ACTUALLY ATTACK HIM THOUGH, SINCE THE THING MOST LIKELY HAS STATIC
SO I USE THE TIME TO HEAL LONDON AND TO SWITCH THEM AGAIN





LONDON THEN ROARS HIM AWAY AS WELL, DRAGGING OUT HIS LIZARD BACK
BUT MORE IMPORTANTILY CANCELING THE MANECTRICK'S RIDICULOUS +ATTACK STACK FROM HOWL




THE LIZARD GOES DOWN PRETTY EASILY
STATIC FORTUNATELY DOESN'T ACTIVATE
IF IT DID, IT WOULD PRETTY MUCH ROB ME OF A TURN
AFTER THE LIZARD, THE FUN REALLY BEGINS



I MAKE SURE THAT THE DOUBLE KICK REALLY GETS IN THIS TIME
IT PARALYZES MUSASHI WITH A THUNDER WAVE
I HAVE MUSASHI TRY TO ATTACK ANYWAY, BUT PARALISIS WON'T LET HIM
MAGNETON ADDS CONFUSION TO PARALYZIS



MUCH BETTER. PUTS ME TURN AHEAD, THIS IS HOW FULL HEAL IS USED RIGHT
MEANWHILE, MUSASHI GET HIT WITH A SHOCKWAVE
HE THUNDER WAVES AGAIN THEN, AND MUSASHI STILL DOESN'T GET THE KICK IN
SOMEHOW A MAGNETON IS FASTER THAN MY STARTER
NEXT TURN, HE GOES FOR ANOTHER SHOCK WAVE SINCE MUSASHI IS ALREADY PARALYZED
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE KICK GETS IN. WOULD HAVE DONE BETTER IF HE WENT FOR SUPERSONIC AGAIN




AND THE THING GETS OHKO'D
SEEMS LIKE GIVING HIM THE ATTACK DRUG WAS A GOOD IDEA, SINCE IT'S JUST ABOUT ENOUGH
DESPITE MAGNETON HAVING QUADRAPLE WEAKNESS TO FIGHTING
THIS PROPABLY COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH UGLIER.
ESPECIALLY IF IT HAD SELFDESTRUCT, TOO

ANYWAY, NOW IT'S TIME TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR ACTIONS



PROPABLY SHOULD EXPLAIN A BIT HERE ABOUT WHY I'VE SENT BRADBURY HERE
SEE, SHOCK WAVE ALWAYS HITS, WHICH IS WHY THE SAND ATTACKS FROM LONDON WERE PRETTY USELESS
ON THE OTHER HAND, IT NEVER CRITS EITHER
SO YOU CAN RELIABLY WORK WITH MATH AGAINST A BASTARD WITH SHOCKWAVE
NOW, EVERYONE ELSE OTHER THAN BRADBURY CAN TANK A SHOCK WAVE, BUT NOT TWO
MAYBE BAUDELAIRE CAN, BUT HE'S PRETTY SCREWED AND WOULD TAKE TWO TURNS TO UNSCREW
NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR JUST A TRY



SO, SENDING BRADBURY IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE SURE NOBODY DIES
...AS LONG AS I HAVE ENOUGH POTIONS
WHICH I'VE RUN OUT OF RECENTLY, ONLY SODA LEFT, FINAL DESTINATION
THIS BEGINS AN ENDURANCE BATTLE WITH THE MANECTRIC



I WOULD HATE TO GET BRADBURY PARALYZED, SO I GO INTO THE THING WITH ASTONISH WHEN I DO
IT DOESN'T DO MUCH, BUT IT GETS AN OCCASIONAL FLINCH
DON'T FORGET THAT WATTSON STILL HAS ONE SUPER POTION LEFT
SO, THIS TOOK LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES

IN THE PROCESS, BRADBURY GETS TO DRINK A LOT OF MY TEARS


/IMG]http://i.share.pho.to/7abda706_l.png[/IMG]

IT ALSO QUICKLY TURNS OUT THAT ASTONISH IS PHYSICAL




YOU CAN SEE THAT THE MATH WORKS OUT AS KEIKAKU'D
GOOD IS THAT HIS QUICK ATTACK NEVER CRITS, BUT HE DOESN'T USE IT A LOT EITHER
UNTIL THE END, WHERE HE ACTUALLY STARTS RUNNING OUT OF PP FOR SHOCK WAVE
EITHER WAY HE DOESN'T HOWL, WHICH MAKES THE AI LOOK PRETTY DAMN SMART





*WIPES SWEAT OFF FOREHEAD*





REMEMBER HOW YOU STOPPED COUNTING ON IT FIVE MINUTES AGO AFTER YOU USED IT TWENTY TIMES IN A ROW?
YEAH, I GUESS YOU DON'T REALLY




JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO A PARTY WIPE
I THEN DEPOSIT THE REMAINING TEARS AND BUY POTIONS
THOSE ARE ALL THE TEARS I HAVE LEFT TO SHED

...IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH

[Ratman]

PART SEVEN: SHORT TALES OF ANGER AND REGRET II

Spoiler:

STORING BRADBURY, WHO FRANKLY DESERVES HIS REST, I TAKE OUT KIPLING SO HE CAN FINALLY BREAK US SOME ROCKS



NOT TERRIBLY CONVINCING IF YOU ASK ME

NOW THAT THE MORALFAG IS GONE, FOR THE REAL REASON I AM HERE:




TO EXPLAIN, THE TUNNEL IS FULL OF WHISMURS WHO GIVE HIT POINT EFFORT VALUE
WHICH MACHO BRACE DOUBLES, SO EVERY TWO DEAD WHISMURS GIVE +1HP
SO THE REAL REASON WHY I'VE TAKEN BRADBURY OUT IS SO HE WON'T HAVE TO SEE THE GREAT GENOCIDE OF HIS KIND

NOW, THIS PUTS ME SOMEWHERE ABOVE POKÉHITLER BUT STILL UNDER POKÉSTALIN
(SINCE POKÉHITLER IS A LITTLE BITCH WHO DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO MURDER THE PEOPLE HE WANTS DEAD IN PERSON)
BUT THOSE NUMBERS MAN, THOSE NUMBERS
THOSE TWO I'VE TRAINED ARE A LOT LESS FRAGILE NOW



FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS THE SINGLE WORST ADVICE YOU CAN GET IN A NUZLOCKE RUN



I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO USE THIS



THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, WILL COME IN HANDY
STUPIDLY EXPENSIVE THOUGH

WELL, BACK TO EXPLORING NOW THAT I CAN BREAK STONES I SHOULD BE ABLE TO JUST CRAWL OVER



NOPE



FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS THE SECOND WORST ADVICE YOU CAN GET IN A NUZLOCKE



WHO WAS IT THAT SAID KANTO IS THE WORST REGION BEACUSE YOU HAVE TO SCRATCH PEOPLE'S BACKS TO COMPLETE THE GAME?



WELL, LET'S HUNT IN HERE




OKAY, THIS THING IS PRETTY GOOD



MY STARTER IS A FIRE TYPE TOO, THOUGH, SO I WON'T USE IT UNLESS I LOSE MUSASHI OR SOMETHING



RUMORS OF A LEGENDARY DETECTED
REPEL SPAM INITIATED



OKAY BRO
EXP. SHARE ONLY NOW



HOW VERY AMAZING



THIS LADY OFFERS YOU TO REST AND WHEN YOU DO, SHE OFFERS IT IMMEDIATELY AGAIN
THERE IS NO REWARD FOR FURTHER REST, SUCH AS A TM FOR REST, WHICH IS USUALLY WHAT PEOPLE WOULD EXPECT
EXCEPT THAT IT MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY BAD WHEN YOU ACCEPT THREE TIMES
JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE THIS
IT'S A NICELY IRONIC DESIGN



OKAY HEMINGWAY, LET'S DO THIS
YOU NEED TO MAN UP, LIGHTNING GYM IS ALREADY DONE FOR
IT'S ANOTHER WINGULL, GOOD START I THINK



GRASS VS. WATER/FLYING
YOU GET THE ADVANTAGE, WING ATTACK GETS IN HARD





OKAY GUESS I NEED TO SWITCH OUT THIS OBVIOUSLY ISN'T GOING TO WORK OUT

WAIT WHAT?
MISCLICKED, I THINK



OH

...


...YEAH




YOU REALLY, REALLY SHOULDN'T TAKE ME FOR AN EXAMPLE

FUCK, I'VE REALLY LIKED HEMINGWAY A LOT
GOD DAMMIT



THIS PLACE IS ACTUALLY REALLY INTERESTING
THERE'S A GLASSMAKER, IF YOU BUY A BIT OF REPEL, YOU CAN GATHER VOLCANIC ASH FOR HIM
HE MAKES FLUTES FOR YOU THEN
YOU CAN ALSO PROPABLY SELECTIVELY ENCOUNTER SKARMORY HERE, IF YOU HAVE A BENCHED POKÉMON OF THE RIGHT LEVEL AND SPRAY REPEL OVER IT
FOR ME, THOUGH:



THIS THING IS KIND OF TERRIBLE, BUT HAS A FUNKY MOVESET
ALSO GIVES SP.ATK EFFORT VALUES, SO I GET TO GRIND BRADBURY A BIT
SINCE IT'S 90% OF EVERYTHING IN HERE
REST IS SKARMORYS AND SLUGMAS WHO ARE EITHER ANNOYING OR USELESS OR BOTH




ALSO, SUICIDE FURRY NINJAS
HAVEL IS ONE LUCKY BASTARD
AND A LOT MORE USEFUL THAN A BEAUTIFLY IS SUPPOSED TO BE



YES YES YES
I GAVE THAT BITCH SOME EVASION
BITCHES LOVE EVASION



I BELIEVE THIS IS THE WAY TO USE A MIGHTYENA TO ANY REAL EFFECT



AAAAAAND FIRE CITY
WITH ALMOST NOTHING IN IT
ESPECIALLY NOT A GYM




IT DOES HAVE A FEW NERDS IN IT



THE SHIT PEOPLE LEAVE LYING AROUND IN PLACES BLATANTLY SUSPICIOUS OF HAVING SOMETHING IN THEM




I MEAN



I GUESS?



OKAY, THIS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY, I GIVE IT TO YOU



YOU'VE MET WITH A TERRIBLE FATE, HAVEN'T YOU



YEAH SHE IS KINDA FAT I GUESS



LET'S TRY OUT THE METRONOME THING




AND THEN HE HAD TO RECHARGE AFTER NATURE POWER
SO I COULDN'T HEAL HIM



SO THAT IS WHERE HAVING FUN IN A NUZLOCKE LEADS I GUESS
GOOD THING I GET TO CATCH ANOTHER RIGHT HERE
THERE'S QUITE A LOT THAT I CAN GET, REALLY





A LOT BETTER THAN IT LOOKS
TOOK A WHILE TO CATCH, TOO
DEFINITELY GOING TO USE



TOOK A WHILE TO COME UP WITH THE NAME AS WELL
I END UP NAMING HER TOVE, SINCE JANESONN SOUNDS MALE
COULD HAVE NAMED HER MARIKA AS WELL, SINCE IT'S HER MIDDLE NAME



NOT GOING TO USE FOR ANYTHING
THOUGH IT'S NOT QUITE AS HORRIFYING AS A MUDKIP ONE WOULD BE



THAT'S AWFULLY DRY
IT'S PROPABLY SOME OLD MAN
DEFINITELY NOT A GIRL
IF IT WAS A YOUNG MAN HE SURE WOULD BE A MASSIVE FAGGOT FOR WRITING LIKE THIS



HILARIOUS



YUP, GIVING IT TO HIM WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE



MEANWHILE I GRIND BRADBURY A BIT AND GET THE OTHER FLUTES THAT MATTER
THEN, THE TIME COMES TO HEAD TO THE METEOR FALLS



OKAY, NOW I KNOW I GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR LOTADS AS WELL



LOOKS LIKE A LEGENDARY NEST AS WELL
(I LATER BARGE BACK IN, AND ENCOUNTER A ZUBAT, THEN DECIDE NOT TO CATCH IT BEACUSE IT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT AS A REAL DUNGEON, UNAWARE HOW HUGE A LOCATION IT IS ONCE YOU GET SURF)






GO AWAY, YOU BIG GAY



THIS IS EXACTLY AS RETARDED AS IT SOUNDS
(TEAM MAGMA ACTUALLY REALLY TRIES TO GET SHIT DONE THOUGH)




WHATEVER
WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW IF THIS IS THE TUNNEL TO THE NEXT GYM?





LET'S LEAVE THIS ACCURSED PLACE



HAVE WE MET BEFORE?
OH
OOOOOOOH


YUP, THAT'S WHERE I AM
I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE JUMPED OVER THAT STUPID HEDGE
NOW I HAVE TO WALK THROUGH HALF THE GAME'S CONTENT AGAIN



ON THE WAY BACK, I GO THROUGH THE CAVERN I'VE INITIALLY REPELED THROUGH




TOTALLY OKAY WITH THIS



HOPE THERE ISN'T A ZIPLINING MINIGAME SOMEWHERE IN ALL THIS
THAT WOULD BE BORING



IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING TO SEE TWO SLUGS RACE THAN TO SEE TWO POOCHYENA'S FIGHT

THEY ALSO BLOCK THE WAY INTO THE CITY
GUESS I WILL HAVE TO GO SAVE THE WORLD IF I WANT TO PROCEED
- WAIT, THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. SAVING THE WORLD DOES COUNT AS A PART OF THE CHALLENGE
RIGHT IN THE "FIGHT EVERY BATTLE WORTH FIGHTING" POINT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INTENTIONALLY VAGUE
SO I COULD RULELAWYER ABOUT SOMETHING NOT BEING WORTH FIGHTING
SUCH AS, THE BATTLE FRONTIER, BUT I DIGRESS



THE DIALOGUE IN THIS PART DOES PUT THE WHOLE THING INTO PERSPECTIVE A BIT
BASICALLY, TEAM AQUA ARE ECO-TERRORISTS, WHILE TEAM MAGMA ARE ACTUAL TERRORISTS



COME ON NOW THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS
I MEAN COME ON ARCHIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN POOCHYENAS







OKAY

HEY, THERE IS A FREE GRUNT WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO FIGHT ME
SHE'S A GIRL SO THAT IF I WENT FOR A DOUBLE BATTLE THE TWO GRUNTS WOULDN'T BE IDENTICAL



YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT TEAM MAGMA GRUNTS ARE CUTE





IT IS OF NOTE THAT TABITHA HAS MORE BODIES THAN MAXIE




HOWEVER, QUALITY MATTERS




OH HI






IF HE ACTUALLY DID CARE ABOUT THE PARTS WHY DIDN'T HE JUST FIGHT ME
GUESS IT'S BEACUSE POOCHYENA
HEHEHE







YOU LIKE LONG SPEECHES, DON'T YOU
WELL, I LIKE SHORT ACTS



...I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO COMMENT ON THIS

OKAY, I WILL
JUST, THAT WAS WEAK
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE FIRE GUY OF THIS GAME
AND YET, YOU CAN'T EVEN OUTFIRE ME



OKAY THAT WORKS



WAIT WHAT THE FUCK
ISN'T MUSASHI -












This is the story of Emerald, a man who believed he would carve his destiny into the memorial desk in the hall of fame, that to that end, every fight worth fighting should be fought. That everything was happening for a reason.
In his rage against the world, he would break every bond he would see he had created, slap away every hand reaching towards him, and force himself not to care about the ones trying to help him. Instead, he would choose to see them as tools, only sparing the faintest of tears we would shed when our favourite chisel falls into the sea.

Do you know what his thoughts were, as he watched his first pokémon fall?
"I just don't understand"
Now, isn't that just the saddest thing you've ever heard?















































However, we do have to go back.



Not sure what he is trying to do here. Not really aware of any moves he could be doing this for. Propably just got lucky.



I kinda remember Camerupt being slow. Unless he can oneshot Bradbury here, which I doubt, Bradbury gets two uproars in - three if Maxie uses a potion.



In an ironical stroke of luck, the first one crits.



His Zubat gets promptly OHKO'd with Bite

DID I SERIOUSLY LET MUSASHI DIE HERE ON THIS SHIT?




MORE LIKE YOU DONE FUCKED UP

GOOD, I'M GETTING MAD AGAIN






You know, I don't even give a shit at this point.
I guess kind of I strongly feel like I am on Musashi's side.
Which, well, isn't necessarily mine.
Huh.
What would he have wanted me to do?
I'll need time to think about this.



Mine now, I guess.

THERE IS A CITY WITH A FIRE GYM DOWN THERE
LET US AT LEAST NOT PUT MUSASHI INTO SHAME MY FRIENDS

Edit: After a sneak peek at Flannery's roster before entering the gym, I am propably going to grind some more. I mean, 4x Overheat & Sunny Day, Arceus Christ.

[Kirby]

Musashi nooooooo

[Ratman]

PART EIGHT: THE HEAT BADGE

Spoiler:

THAT'S NOT CLEVER AT ALL AND A GOOD WAY TO KILL YOURSELF WHILE TRYING TO IMPRESS CHICKS



The journey down the mountain is short but intense. Which sucks, since everyone is tired.



IT REALLY FUCKING ISN'T
IT'S ACTUALLY FULL OF NUMELS WHO ALL KNOW MAGNITUDE, NOT TO MENTION SPOINKS WITH CONFUSION CAUSING MOVES WHICH UNIVERSALLY SUCKS FOR TRAINING, SO YOU EITHER GRIND HERE AND RISK SUDDEN DEATH, OR GRIND UNDER THE MOUNTAIN FOR HOURS



FIRE TOWN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO



IT ALSO HAS A SHOP THAT SELLS HERBS
HERBS HAVE THE GIMMICK THAT POKÉMON HATE THEM AND WILL HATE YOU FOR HEALING THEM VIA HERBS
THEY ARE CHEAP, THOUGH, ESPECIALLY THE ROOTS ARE ACTUALLY AFFORDABLE COMPARED TO HYPER POTIONS




I FUCKING HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH
LIKE, YOU HAVE SERIOUSLY NO IDEA
DON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND, YOU CAN'T EVER HOPE TO
THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD HAVE MADE ME ANY MORE MAD WOULD BE BEING THE MOVE TUTOR OF BLAST BURN



PERHAPS THIS CAN HEAL MY SICK BURN



Good night, sweet prince.




This is troubling. Everything about Flannery is dangerous, AND she has two Numels with Magnitude.
Havel and Baudelaire have no place there at all, others aren't exactly tanky enough to survive stuff in there.
Just so you know, Overheat at 150 BP +50% STAB +50% for Sunny Day = 300
No water or rock attacks, either. Ground, though, maybe...

WE ARE GOING TO PREPARE FOR THIS, AND HARD




EVERY HAND HELPS




????



Well, I start with grinding up Tove. Being a Swablu, she has good Sp. Def, and it just so happens there is a Sp.Def EV grinding zone nearby.



WAHT
THAT WAS FAST
WONDER WHAT IT IS
PLEASE BE SOME KICKASS LEGENDARY



I HEAR THIS IS GOOD



BUT IT IS SO HARD TO BELIEVE
I MEAN LOOK AT THIS, SPLASH, THE GAME IS BASICALLY MAKING FUN OF THE THING



THIS FUCKING GYM



FUN FACT: POKÉNAV IS COMPLETELY USELESS UNTIL YOU GET THE FIFTH BADGE
IT'S JUST PEOPLE CALLING YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF STUFF FOR NO REASON AND WHINING
ABOUT EVERYTHING
AND NOTHING
AT ONCE

THIS MEANS THAT I CANNOT REMATCH ANYONE, SO I HAVE RATHER LIMITED FINANCIAL FUNDS
SHOULD HAVE NEVER STARTED BUYING VITAMINS
THAT'S MOSTLY WHY I HAVE TO RESORT TO USING HERBAL MEDICINE
TURNS OUT A FEW TRAINERS HAD APPEARED BACK AT THE MOUNTAIN



HAHA DANTE WHAT A JOKER YOU ARE



HAPPENING



JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW, IN CASE YOU DON'T
WOBBUFFET CAN LEARN NO MOVES, HAS ONLY MASSIVE HP, ANTI-STATUS MOVE, AND TWO COUNTER MOVES
ONE FOR PHYSICAL, ONE FOR SPECIAL ATTACKS
THIS ONE CAN ALSO STILL LOWER PHYSICAL ATTACK OF THE ENEMY WITH CHARM, SINCE FUCK DESTINY BOND




EITHER WAY THE IMPORTANT PART IS THAT GRINDING A WOBBUFFET IN A NUZLOCKE IS GOING TO BE A HEADACHE
HE HAS THIS THING GOING ON WHERE HE CAN ONLY HURT ANYTHING IF IT HURTS HIM FIRST
AND THE STRONGER HE GETS THE LESS HURT HE GETS, AND THE HARDER IT GETS FOR HIM TO HURT ANYTHING IN THE WILD
BUT IF HE DOESN'T GET STRONGER, HE GETS OHKO'D BY ACTUAL SERIOUS ENEMY, SINCE HIS DEFENSES ARE TERRIBLE
BASICALLY, HE PROPABLY ISN'T GOING TO BE VERY AWESOME UNTIL AROUND THE ENDGAME



SURELY YOU CAN HANDLE AT LEAST THIS MUCH, DANTE?
EXCEPT HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE 100 HP EV'S BEFORE HE STOPS BEING DAMAGED BY THEIR UPROARS
IT'S TOUGH LOVE



THIS FUCKING GYM
THANK GOD IT WASN'T HAVEL THERE



COMEDY GOLD MINE
I AM GROWING TO LI-



FUCK
Is it all luck?
Is Poison Tail even supposed to be able to OHKO anything ever?



Dammit. I've had high hopes for Tove.
Weezing is pretty good too, though, and he levitates, so he can fulfill that role as well.
Looking forward to-



I'VE GOT A TERRIBLE FEELING ABOUT THIS



YUP



I HAVE NOT TURNED, OVERNIGHT, INTO EMORALD

WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS WHETHER THE RNG LIKES IT OR NOT



OUR RAGE



KNOWS



NO BOUNDS




LOOKS LIKE WE ARE SET



MAYBE I NEED TO JUST USE A FUCKING CAMERUPT MYSELF
AFTER ALL, MAGNITUDE WILL HURT A FIRE GYM



OKAY
(By the way, I've caught another Numel in Jagged Pass. She was a girl, so I've named her Austen. Propably not going to use unless it's absolutely necessary)



THIS WILL NEVER GET OLD




THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, WILL NEED TO WORK



NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING MORE OUT OF DANTE WITHOUT SCREWING HIM OVER ON EV'S
THAT IS, MAKING HIM FIGHT LIKE EVERY OTHER THING OUT THERE THAT WOULD TRAIN HIM IN A USELESS STAT



IT'S TIME




THE FIRE GYM LEADER WHO SPECIALIZES IN EXPLODING IN YOU FACE IS GOOD OL' HOT 'N COLD
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?



WELL, THAT SURE MAKES NO SENSE



A WORSE MAN WOULD THINK IT AN INNUENDO
I'LL CALL IT A DOUBLE ENTENDRE TO DEMONSTRATE MY RESPECT




WELL THAT WAS EASY
NOW, FOR MY NEXT TRICK





THIS IS FUN!
TOO BAD IT'S WHERE THE FUN ENDS, AS WELL




GOOD NEWS IS THAT HE STILL HIT OVER HALF, SO HE HAS THE CAMERUPT IN TWO HITS EVEN IF SHE HEALS
BAD NEWS IS THAT SHE GOT SUNNY DAY UP, BOOSTING POWER OF ALL FIRE BY HALF




SHE DID USE THE POTION IN THE END. THIS IS COOL IN THAT NOT ONLY DID SHE WASTE IT, BUT SUNNY DAY ALSO GOT A TURN SHORTER

NOW I AM GOING TO BE SERIOUSLY ANTICLIMATIC, BUT THE REST OF THE ARCHIVE IS FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON CORRUPTED
AS IN, THE IMAGES ARE ZERO BYTE IMG ON PHONE



BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, SHE SENDS OUT TORKOAL, IT GETS HIT BY STRENGTH FOR MINUSCULE DAMAGE, AND IT STARTS USING BODY SLAM

BODY SLAM DEALS LIKE TWENTY DAMAGE TO PLATO, AND SHE DOESN'T GO FOR OVERHEAT AFTER I HEAL HIM TWICE FOR THE TWENTY POINTS HE LOST, SO THAT HE WOULD BE ABLE TO TANK OVERHEAT IF HE HAS TO
THEN SUNNY DAY RUNS OUT, TORKOAL IMMEDIATELLY RENEWS IT, AND PLATO HITS HIM WITH DRAGON RAGE DURING THE OPENING
DRAGON RAGE DEALS FIXED 40 DAMAGE, AND THEREFORE WORKS A LOT BETTER AGAINST SUCH BULK
NEXT TURN TORKOAL GETS HEALED, AND HIT WITH ONE MORE DRAGON RAGE
THEN ANOTHER DRAGON RAGE SENDS HIM INTO RED, AND PLATO GETS BODY SLAMMED FOR HIS TROUBLE
(AMAZINGLY, THE BODY SLAM NEVER PARALYZES HIM)
NOW, PLATO ISN'T THE FASTEST CAR ON THE KIDRAIL, BUT TORKOAL IS EXTREMELY SLOW, SO PLATO HAS THE EDGE
THIRD DRAGON RAGE GETS THE TORKOAL DOWN, WITHOUT OVERHEAT EVER GETTING OUT

FLANNERY SAYS SOMETHING SOMETHING SPIRIT OF CARDS AND GIVES ME THE HEAT BADGE
WITH THAT, I HAVE FOUR
THEN THE OEDIPIC JOURNEY TOWARDS MY FATHER'S GYM IS FINALLY ON THE TABLE

ALSO I RAM INTO MAY AS SOON AS I LEAVE THE GYM, BUT THAT'S FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER

WHICH I APPARENTLY HAVE NO SCREENSHOTS FOR

WHICH SUCKS, BECAUSE IT HAS A TON OF THINGS HAPPENING
ALSO DESERT OPENED AND STUFF
PERHAPS TEXT ONLY, FINAL DESTINATION?