Table of Contents
1st Affair
2nd Affair
3rd Affair
4th Affair
5th Affair
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The Clock Tower, center of all magecraft, cornerstone of the Mage’s Association, and governing body of magi everywhere, has had its share of secrets. Undead dragons, enchanted stools, and cursed sex toys are the least of the unpleasant unknowns that lurk in the deepest, darkest recesses of the illustrious university, and there are daily quests undertaken by down-on-their luck students to search for something useful in the place’s basement, so that they may avoid being kicked out for negligence and time-wasting. Not all such parties return.
The Clock Tower also has more than a few tales circulating its perimeter, through students, cleaning ladies, lecturers, and some even say the Vice Director herself. Tales of illegal undead dragon breeding programs, a ghostly chair-maker still practicing his craft, and of magical potions that will permanently endow one’s blade with several inches of great heft should it be ordered and consumed before 9:30 PM the next day.
One such tale is particularly famous for causing wives everywhere to look upon their husbands with unbearable jealousy, and to mistreat any female or effeminate male student they come across during their visits, which have risen in frequency by over 500% in the past six months. This tale is one so scandalous and raunchy that mentioning it is unofficially forbidden before midnight or after six AM, even in private dormitories. More than a few adventurous students have found themselves suddenly lacking a tuition, crest, and clothes the morning after letting their lips run loose. Alas, these draconian restrictions have only increased the story’s popularity, ensuring that anyone who arrives at the Clock Tower will be able to recite it by heart within a week.
The story, as with many, can all be traced back to a single unfortunate boy in a remote country almost no one in the Clock Tower could give two shakes of an undead dragon’s tail about. The boy who unwittingly caused this catastrophe is unfortunate not because of the karmic burden he would bear for the horrendous effects of his actions. He is also not unfortunate because of the undoubtedly heavy guilt that would crush his heart were he aware of the consequences to his thoughtless words.
No, Shirou was unfortunate because he asked Tohsaka Rin, the second most popular girl in her school, to be his girlfriend in full view of her younger Sister.
Tohsaka Rin was a magus, but that had little to do with why Shirou, whose surname remains forever unknown even to his closest friends, so thoroughly attempted to court her affections. The reason behind why Shirou proposed in such a thoughtless way is the fact that he was an idiot of masterful caliber. Should you ever reach Akasha, the Swirl of the Root and center of all creation, search through its infinite pages for the greatest moron in all creation, and you shall surely find Shirou’s name before anyone else’s.
Shirou, a young, strapping, generally good looking redhead of about eighteen, asked Tohsaka Rin, a slender, dark haired girl with gentle jade eyes and a winning smile, to be his girlfriend because he’d confessed to being a bit lonely and his friend, Matou Shinji, had given him some poor advice.
It is common knowledge in Fuyuki City, the small town from which the unfortunate boy and his object of affection originate, that if you want to feel good about yourself, you should ask Tohsaka Rin to go on a date with you. That method is well known to all who frequent the city’s secondary school as a surefire way to cheer yourself or a willing friend up or give someone considering suicide a second lease on life. It is known as such to all except Tohsaka Rin herself, who merely wonders at why she is such a popular target for people’s affections.
Not one person has ever successfully taken Tohsaka Rin on a date. She will, without fail, reject every single one. The most perfect man (or woman) in the world could pledge his (or her) undying love to her, and her heart will remain unmoved even as she tells him (or her!) how flattered she is. Yet students and even some depressed adults will still ask Tohsaka Rin out because she is the greatest person in the world when it comes to rejecting someone. Her rejections are kind, thoughtful, understanding, and, some would say, approaching enlightenment. She will not fail to tell you why you are a wonderful person, and why you shouldn’t give up on your search for love. She will serenely, gently, and unfailingly push you away with all the grace of a fluffy cloud made of cotton candy. Though your heart will be broken, you’ll definitely come out of the situation feeling very good about yourself.
However, no one has ever asked Tohsaka Rin out in front of her younger sister, the number one most popular girl in the city, not just the school. It would be a social faux pas, and even a newborn child has enough self awareness to realize just how bad of an idea such an action would be. Tohsaka Sakura, said younger Sister, is someone who receives much less affection from the majority of Fuyuki than her older sibling, yet if one asks any random person hailing from the city who the most popular girl there is, they will always say that it is Tohsaka Sakura.
Shirou, whose surname isn’t even recorded in the bastion of all knowledge, was quickly rejected by Rin, who operated with all of her usual flair. Had he stopped there, his story would’ve been no different than that of every other person in Fuyuki. If he had had enough restraint to nod his head and accept her beautiful answer, the world would have been a more peaceful and wonderful place for it.
“I implore you to reconsider,” he said, hazel eyes shining with bright determination.
Rin blinked, put her right index finger on her lip, thought about it for a few seconds, and said: “Okay.”
The news spread like a funny cat picture through the Internet. Within the hour the entire school knew. By the end of the school day, the town was armed with the miraculous knowledge. That evening, news stories were already circulating, reporting on this unbelievable achievement of human stubbornness and rejoicing over the monumental accomplishment.
The next morning, after finding Shirou’s severed head floating in her bathroom sink with its expression affixed to that of a man undergoing eternal torment in the worst of mankind’s hells, Tohsaka Rin stormed into her little sister’s room, threw said body part into Tohsaka Sakura’s smug little face with all the force of a Little League pitcher on steroids, said (or screamed, rather) in no uncertain terms that she was sick of this stupid dysfunctional family and that her father would never have approved of this stupidity were he still here (Tohsaka Tokiomi, who was at that point basking in the beautiful oneness that accessing the Akashic Records after winning the Grail War entitles you to, wouldn’t have cared less) and that she was leaving to get as far away from her vengeful demon of a little sister as she could without escaping to a different universe, whirled, stormed back to her room, packed her bags, waved goodbye to her mother (who had been and still was wondering why Tokiomi had forgotten to include her name in the all expenses paid vacation to the Akashic Records winning the Grail War entitled you to), chartered the first flight to London that was available, and flew all the way to the Clock Tower before angrily punching a hole in a wall and finally starting to feel a little better about the whole thing.
Unfortunately for Rin, who was herself almost as unfortunate as the unfortunate boy who had died for being an idiot and pissing off Rin’s little sister, said wall happened to be one of the outer walls of the private domicile of one Waver Annabelle Velvet, a rather infamous lecturer at the Clock Tower who was infamous not only because of his sharp wit, rugged good looks, and propensity for turning the latter end of the majority of his lectures into novella-length rants against the conspiracies of the upper crust of the Association, but for his heated rivalry with his old professor, a fair haired, fair bearded man that tolerated silly concepts like hard work and fairness just as much as Rin’s vengeful demon sister tolerated anyone presuming to make her older sibling happy.
Waver Annabelle Velvet (or WAVE as his students called him despite, or perhaps because of his dislike of the lazy, incorrect nickname) did not like it when people punched holes in his wall. He was a no nonsense kind of person who viewed hole-wall-punching as a past time for children and unruly teenagers rather than adults like himself who engaged in the much more refined art of writing angry letters to their old professors and getting incensed when said professor threw the letters into the trash without even reading them, leading to the writing of yet more angry letters destined to burn without ever being read. His wife enjoyed it even less, which is why he invited Tohsaka Rin inside for tea, an event that marks the beginning of the most sordid, kinky, and steamy affair in Clock Tower history.
That, however, is a story for another day, one that shall most likely never come.
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I don't even KNOW.
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Originally Posted by Bloble
