Bonds of Fate

[mirakura]

I got this idea when reading 'Clarent Blood Arthur' by King of Beasts. This is what i've done so far for the first chapter but i will be editing and adding more on so...

Bonds of Fate Prologue

The battle was over, as was the war. The two champions stood at the edge of their battle field, saying their goodbyes and last words.
"Shirou, take this," Saber placed her hand on her chest before a flash of golden light appeared around her chest then vanishing as soon as it appeared.
Withheld in her hand was her golden sheath, its intricate, blue designs perfectly complimenting the golden base. Avalon,'the ultimate defense' as said by the King of Heroes. Saber slowly stepped towards Shirou, hands presenting the golden sheath of protection. Giving a faint smile, she held up the sheath closer to Shirou before saying,"Shirou, you will need it, I am not here to protect you as your sword as of now, so please," Sabe- no Arturia peered sincerely into Shirou's eyes, shining emerald orbs begging him to listen to her carefully,"Take Avalon to ensure your health and for when I am not there." Shirou slowly nodded, his mind still trying to keep up with the events which had happened and the unavoidable ones yet to come. He allowed Arturia to place Avalon inside of him. She then took a small breath before continuing,"Shirou, there is one more thing i need to tell you," tightly grasping Ilya, Shirou, his mind now caught up with what was happening, prepared himself for what was to come,"Shirou...I love you."
Those words were all it took for Shirou's dream count to increase by one more.

Chapter 1

Shirou Emiya,winner of the fifth Holy Grail War and now father of one. Yes, Shirou was now indeed a father. Shortly after Saber vanished, when returning to the front of the temple, Shirou found a little girl. She had the form of a 5 year old and had black and white hair down to her back(like arturia's), both colors equally balanced to look like zebra stripes on her head. Shirou pondered abit about why she was lying there to begin with. But instead of, like a normal person, continuing on his victory stride home, Shirou's 'hero instincts' acted up causing his body to slowly change directions and to begin to walk over to the girl as if on reflex. Upon arriving a few inches from the alabaster-skinned girl, Shirou crouched down and slowly laid Ilya on the ground. He attempted picking up the pale girl, but as soon as he made contact with her, he felt her freezing cold skin against his. He shook off the cold and gently rested her on his arm which, accidentally, woke her up.
She had piercing amber eyes with hints of red here and there. The small girl innocently looked into Shirou's equally amber eyes then curiously tilted her head to the side like a bird does when it sees something peculiar.

"Who?" she asked softly. Her voice, befitting her appearance, was very childish and sweet sounding. It had some fear and sadness sewn in it which surprised Shirou a bit but only for a split second.A warm smile was plastered on Shirou's face as he answered her one word question.

"Hmm? My name is Shirou Emiya, what's yours?" he stood up, placing the young girl on her tiny feet. There was a sudden silence which followed his answer before the girl looked up to Shirou and replied his friendly question,

"Name? F...Feir, my name is Feir." his smile still etched into his face as he proceeded to pick up Ilya.
"Well Feir, as long as you're okay, then I will just continue home." the girl now known as 'Feir', held onto Shirou as he started to walk back.
"No..." her eyes looked watery as if she was about to cry. "Don't go! Don't leave me." Shirou was puzzled a little but then nodded smiling and said,

"Ok Feir, you can come with me." an adorable smile made it's way to Feir's face as she nodded in return and followed Shirou back home.

Hence fort, Feir started living at the Emiya household and 2 years later, 5 months prior to these events, he adopted her after getting into college. This was because Ilya wanted to be the only little sister, so, what could a man do?
In the two years after the fifth Holy Grail War, alot happened. Apart from Shirou and Feir drawing closer, most relationships stayed the same. Taiga and Sakura continued going to the Emiya residence at breakfast and dinner. Rin however, didn't stay in Fuyuki. Before graduation, she had moved to London, to Clock Tower to be more specific to join the Magus' Association. She had stayed the second owner of Fuyuki but gave the authority over to Ilya(she is the most responsible magus). Rin want back on holidays to visist but mostly stayed in London. In London, Rin met Wav- Lord Elmeloi II and over the months, her ranking in the assoctiation rose to one of the top 25 magi. She ranked really high especially when she had only been there for two years.

Before Rin left, Ilya's illness was found out and Rin, Shirou & Sakura helped to save her. At the dawn of the news, Rin was truly suprised but cleverly thought up a plan to save her - get her a new body. Proceeding on with her plan, Shirou, Rin, Sakura and Illya travelled to the Einzbern Castle to steal a new body. Thievery wasn't something Rin would do but for one of her dearest friends... there is no choice. Once they were there, they were stopped by Sella & Leyseritt who, at the end of the battle, were eventually persuaded into helping as it was their duty to protect Ilya. A new homunculus body was prepared for Ilya and with the knowledge and magecraft of the Einzberns, Sella and Leyseritt transferred Ilya's soul into the new body. Thanks to Rin and Shirou,Ilya had the body of a simple human. Avalon's powers had increased her life span incredibly. She would live a normal human and die a normal human.

Apart from the problem with Ilya, one more thing had to be taken care of - Matou Zouken. After saving Ilya, Sakura, who was a vessel for the grail, was being greatly affected by the burden of being the only vessel as Ilya was no longer connected to it. This was also eventually found out by Rin, Shirou & Ilya as Sakura began to act strangely. Sakura, with no other choice, told Shirou and the others of Zouken. As usual, Shirou tried to save Sakura and ended up defeaing Zouken, not alone of course. Rin and Ilya had helped and the one who finished off Zouken was Feir. That was when Shirou found out Feir was a mage. Her powers will not be revealed now, but it will...soon...
After all that, as you know already, Rin went to Clock Tower to join the Magus' that had happened but in the end, Shirou never got over Arturia. It is sad but true and that day she left, he promised himself to somehow bring her back-no matter what. He had also wanted her to meet Feir, the mini-magus he had met just after she disappeared. Shirou may have not known it, but his dream wasn't going to be just a dream much longer...

I was planning on uploading this on FFN but I needded someone's consent first.

[Renko]

Shirou has a kid!? Decent-ish (?)

It seems there are way too many things crammed in.

"In my opinion."

Don't worry, BL people are experts when it comes to fanfiction...

Not me though. I just read them.

[mirakura]

Hmmm... I guess so but most people would be confused about Ilya and Sakura when reading though

[Bloble]

I think I see what you're attempting to do here.

For an example of what you should strive to emulate if you wish to continue in this direction, this would be a good start.

Now for what you requested.

It's criticism, by the way. Not consent. Despite its reputation, BL can't stop anyone from publishing Type-Moon fics, and holds no authority to do so.

In general, your formatting is a mess. The first two paragraphs lack a line break between them. There are various spacing issues between sentences, leaving many periods hugging tightly to the first letter of the next sentence without a space to separate them. The same can be said for a few commas.

The story reads less like a tale and more like a dry summary after you introduce your OC (who I'll take to calling Hanekawa because of the image her hair conjured up), speeding by many years and describing things in very simple, boring ways. 'Most relationships stayed the same' is not a good way to inform us of development, or lack thereof.

I have little criticism for your OC apart from her rather bizarre and silly-sounding physical features, because you didn't even bother giving her a personality for the short time of the equally short chapter that she spent 'on screen'.

Your understanding of the canon also seems fairly fuzzy. Avalon is not a miracle machine that can do anything. It only saved Shirou's life because it still possessed traces of Saber's prana, which is the only thing that can activate its effects in the first place. Even if Saber gives Shirou her sheathe, it'll be all but useless in his hands. Furthermore, it's impossible to transfer someone's soul to a new body so simply, especially since Illya is a unique being that isn't a pure homunculus, and because in canon the Third Magic was required to pull off something that ridiculous.

The Mage's Association is a remarkably complex organization. While there's nothing in canon explicitly stating that it doesn't have a 'top 25 mages', such a thing seems rather unlikely given how most magi in the Nasuverse behave like scholars rather than warriors that worry about who's the best or strongest.

Rin passing along the title of Second Owner to Illya is a bit iffy as well, given their thorny relationship, and calling Illya 'responsible' is like calling Gilgamesh a cheapskate.


There are a host of other issues as well, which I won't bother with. Suffice to say, there is very little about your work that interests me. Unless you improve on your writing considerably, it will remain a below average piece of writing with little in the way of redeeming features.

If you wish to improve, I recommend reading the story I linked at the beginning of my post. Beast's Lair also has a list of recommended fanfiction that I suggest looking at.

[mirakura]

Well thank you for you criticism and advice. Firstly, I have no idea how to use line break so yeah... The sentences are me hating the way the computer works therefore not bothering or forgetting to space out the sentences. If that's all you need to criticize about my formatting then I don't feel I have a problem as it is just computer mistakes. It was supposed to be a summary after that before I go to the present. Also, transferring soul comes from Fate route where Ilya does it to Shirou in a dead end and at the end of Heavens Feel that happens so yes it is possible. This wasn't a full chapter it was like a beta test to see what you think before I complete it. My OC isn't gonna have a full on personality because of somethings happening in the past; hers will be like a mix which i have yet to conjure up. You forget the fact Ilya is quite wise and very responsible. If your complains are about how i continue from canon then i might as well make this an AU and then after writing this story I write the prequel. Thank you for your recommendations but I've read every single one of the FSN fanfics that interest me so no need to bother. About Avalon, if you decide to read a possible next chapter then a cirtain girl with zebra stripe hair will explain perfectly *cunning smile*. As for my way of writing, instead of recommending fics to me, which I've probably already read, why don't you give me an example of a sentence of mine you have edited and I will work from there. I agree with you about the magus' association but Rin needs to be at least half important in the association for this fic to work. For the summary, I will change it and explain what happens over the chapters instead. I already knew I had some problems with my writing but what I really wanted to know was if the characters were in check, if they are then I will just re-check my paragraphs. I thank you for your criticism but the way you explain the story makes me scared of re-reading it. As a fellow human you have to be subtle about things like this or you'll turn in to King Arthur.

[Mashina]

I really am not the best person to be handing out criticism, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

First things first, there's no hook. People aren't going to read on if there's nothing in the first chapter that drives them to. You want them to want to know what happens next. And there's practically nothing here to do that.

Characterization-wise, Shirou feels really off. Helping a little girl who's collapsed in the middle of the street? Yes, that's Shirou. Assuming that she's fine just because she woke up? Not really. Kidnapping her just because she said "don't leave me"? No. Absolutely 100% no.
None of the other characters have any characterisation at all, really, so no comments there other than Maybe you should give them some?

Narrative-wise, Show. Don't. Tell. The last 3-4 paragraphs are pretty much just "This happened, then this happened, then that happened." It's more a summary of a story than an actual story.
Since you want examples, here:

In the two years after the fifth Holy Grail War, alot happened. Apart from Shirou and Feir drawing closer, most relationships stayed the same.

You say that Shirou and Feir drew closer. That doesn't say very much. What sort of relationship do they have? Just how close are they? How does Feir fit in with the rest of the household? The devil is in the details, and there are none here.

Honestly if it were me, I'd axe the last bit entirely. Create an actual narrative and weave the background details into it, rather than just summarising them at the start.

Also, it's henceforth. Hence fort doesn't make any sense.

[mirakura]

Thank you for your advice at least now i know what to improve. I'll add more detail to the characters and their actions. I guess i'll just write out the parts I summerized as it seems to be the main problem. A hook...heck when I finalize this it's gonna be long... Your ideas really helped me rethink alot of stuff. If I decide to post a remake of this chapter please at least consider reading it to see what I have improved.

[Mashina]

Glad that it helped! Remember, there's nothing wrong with long. (As long as it doesn't get so long that you end up never finishing like I usually do)
I'll definitely read the rewritten version, don't worry.

And just out of curiosity, is Feir meant to be pronounced "fair" or "fear"?

[mirakura]

um... fe-ar also thank you lots, i'm writing the edited version right now, a little snip from saber's disapearance


Part of chapter 1/prologue


Dawn. The sweet sound of the morning birds' chirping echoed throughout the temple-side(not sure how to write that word). Golden rays emitting from the early morning sun illuminated the silent forest. Amidst the serene scene stood two figures; one with middle length, blonde hair swaying in the soothing wind. The other held a small albino in his arms, his face facing the small girl with a conflicted expression spread over it. Pacing slowly, the blonde nonchalantly walked over to the red-head a few feet away from her. Her face held a minuscule smile as her right hand slowly reached out to touch the other's face. Gradually, the red-head lifted his head, amber eyes filled with melancholy and conflict. He knew what was happening, what was going to happen, but he still had some hope. Hope that his beloved would stay with him. But no, that wouldn't happen, the world was too cruel to let her stay and to give him happiness...


I know the first part wasn't really the part with mistakes but I thought I just should because I was changing the rest of it as well.

[Mashina]

Hrmm, I know I said to add more detail, but don't add descriptors just for the sake of it, and especially if they don't fit. I don't think a "nonchalant" walk quite suits the scene.
Temple Grounds, maybe?
It is looking better so far though, keep it up!

[mirakura]

Yay thanks! When ever I add more detail this always happens and when I don't, that always happens, sooo sad *sob* I'll try...

[NewAgeOfPower]

Kidnapping her just because she said "don't leave me"? No. Absolutely 100% no.

B-B-But that's the basis of so many Caster-Shirou fanfics!

[mirakura]

B-B-But that's the basis of so many Caster-Shirou fanfics!

?

[Magus]

"for Shirou's dream count to increase by one more." -> This wording seems strange.

And as for the physical description of the OC, my first reaction was "What?" Granted, works related to anime can have somewhat more colorful / less realistic character designs, but hair like a zebra really stretches things for me. And her very presence in the story feels very contrived; she doesn't seem to blend in smoothly with the other characters, which is a cardinal sin of fan fiction writing.

After that, I couldn't really take the snippet that you have here seriously anymore. But again, keep practicing and learn from your mistakes. It's the only way you'll get better.

[mirakura]

"for Shirou's dream count to increase by one more." -> This wording seems strange.

And as for the physical description of the OC, my first reaction was "What?" Granted, works related to anime can have somewhat more colorful / less realistic character designs, but hair like a zebra really stretches things for me. And her very presence in the story feels very contrived; she doesn't seem to blend in smoothly with the other characters, which is a cardinal sin of fan fiction writing.
j
After that, I couldn't really take the snippet that you have here seriously anymore. But again, keep practicing and learn from your mistakes. It's the only way you'll get better.

But the point of her hair is because she is NOT supposed to blend in, plus, I've got more plans for why her hair's like that. Would you think anyone to be born with zebra stripe hair?

[Magus]

Well, that may be so, but it just breaks character design conventions within the Nasuverse sufficiently that I can't really look upon it favorably. There were probably more subtle approaches you could have taken while still accomplishing the sense that something wasn't quite right about here.

[mirakura]

Well, that may be so, but it just breaks character design conventions within the Nasuverse sufficiently that I can't really look upon it favorably. There were probably more subtle approaches you could have taken while still accomplishing the sense that something wasn't quite right about here.

Good point, and I've just thought of one.