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Thread: Fate/stay night [Realta Nua] English - Support thread

  1. #21
    Would you be interested in reports of poorly written, but technically correct lines? I'm spotting quite a few of those.

  2. #22
    分かろうとするな、感じれ Mcjon01's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aravan View Post
    Would you be interested in reports of poorly written, but technically correct lines? I'm spotting quite a few of those.
    That would just be a full-game LP.

  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    That would just be a full-game LP.
    I don't disagree, but I'd probably stick to the egregious problems. Seeing as I'm re-reading it all anyway, it seems like a waste to ignore errors I'm spotting. The question is whether the Mirror-Moon translation should be touched at all. It seems outside of the project's scope.

  4. #24
    ( '‿^) Rokudaime's Avatar
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    "Saber runs at the man in red without hesitation, takes his guard down with one blow, and... ...Easily slashes the man in red". Man, such redundancy. Sounds really weird like that. Should be "Saber runs at the man in red without hesitation, takes his guard down with one blow, and... ...Easily slashes him". Or something.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Rokudaime View Post
    "Saber runs at the man in red without hesitation, takes his guard down with one blow, and... ...Easily slashes the man in red". Man, such redundancy. Sounds really weird like that. Should be "Saber runs at the man in red without hesitation, takes his guard down with one blow, and... ...Easily slashes him". Or something.
    I think it's because the first part and the second part are in two different scenes.
    Memorable quotes



    Quote Originally Posted by Kinoko Nasu
    So as to stimulate the reader's imagination, I try not to write too clearly about mechanics and characters' inner workings.
    Quote Originally Posted by UnlimitedBladeWorks
    In all honesty the Ufo Anime should've included a switch that let people chose what route they wanted to watch.

  6. #26
    From the MM forums:
    "Fate route
    Intermission - "Demonic Sword" -VS Assassin 2

    "If this place were a bit wider, I could have added the vertical slash as well."

    should be horizontal

    and

    "To compensate for that, there should be a third vertical attack, to prevent the opponent from dodging sideways."

    should be horizontal

    Yes, I'm reporting a mistranslation because the original japanese said "yoko no ichigeki"."





    Just checking in with you before changing this Koto. Is that person correct? It makes sense for the slash to be horizontal if the determining factor is how wide the environment is (also I find it funny how he couldn't use all 3 because of how wide the stairway is, yet he's able to use all 3 in the same stairway in UBW).
    Memorable quotes



    Quote Originally Posted by Kinoko Nasu
    So as to stimulate the reader's imagination, I try not to write too clearly about mechanics and characters' inner workings.
    Quote Originally Posted by UnlimitedBladeWorks
    In all honesty the Ufo Anime should've included a switch that let people chose what route they wanted to watch.

  7. #27
    Inexplicable Turtle Hybrid Turtleman579's Avatar
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    Yoko means horizontal, and ichigeki means blow, hit, stroke, etc. Vertical is suichoku. So decrees Google Translate.

  8. #28
    Post the runes, Jack. Or at least a link to it.

  9. #29
    Kojirou: 「だが足場が悪かったな。燕返しの軌跡は本来三つ。もうわずかに広ければ、横の一撃も加えられ たのだが」[lr]

    Saber (FSN):「……そうでしょうね。そうでなければ片手落ちです。[l][r]
    全てが同時であるのなら、[ruby text="二"][ruby text="の"][ruby text="太"][ruby text="刀"]円の軌跡はどうしても遅くなる。それを補うために、横方向への離脱を阻む[ruby text="三の"][ruby text="太刀"]払いがある筈だ」

    Saber (RN):「……そうでしょうね。そうでなければ不完全です。[lr]
    全てが同時であるなら、[ruby text=二の太刀 o2o=1]円の軌跡はどうしても遅くなる。それを補うために、横方向への離脱を阻む[ruby text=三の太刀 char=2]払いがある筈だ」
    Memorable quotes



    Quote Originally Posted by Kinoko Nasu
    So as to stimulate the reader's imagination, I try not to write too clearly about mechanics and characters' inner workings.
    Quote Originally Posted by UnlimitedBladeWorks
    In all honesty the Ufo Anime should've included a switch that let people chose what route they wanted to watch.

  10. #30
    ( '‿^) Rokudaime's Avatar
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    Typo: Fate Day 3: During "The Strongest Enemy": "Saber runs to Berserker's landing point and Berserker lands with a huge thud at exactly at the same moment". Double "at". One of them needs to be removed.

    EDIT: Same scene, a little after: "But Tohsaka does not stop casting, But Berserker ignores Tohsaka's spells and charges at Saber.". Broken sentence. It's written exactly like that, with a capital B on the second "But" and everything, even though it's after a comma, and not a period. Not that fixing just that by itself is enough to fix the sentence.
    Last edited by Rokudaime; July 22nd, 2014 at 09:33 PM.

    "The world is just another word for the things you value around you, right? That's something I've had since I was born. If you tell me to rule such a world, I already rule it."

  11. #31
    Resident straight-male kuutsundere Nintendo Maniac 64's Avatar
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    Um, koto, the VNDB entry for your patch has been deleted...

    Here's a quote of one of my previous posts which had linked to said entry, but clicking that link now take you to a page that just says "Item deleted".

    Quote Originally Posted by Nintendo Maniac 64 View Post
    Behold the glorious-ness:
    http://vndb.org/r35204
    Uhhh, what the crap? I mean, we finally get a fully legit 15+ version of the Fate/stay night visual novel and now we can't even get it listed on VNDB...
    Last edited by Nintendo Maniac 64; July 24th, 2014 at 04:16 AM.
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    (because just "tsundere" makes people think of "Shana clones" *shivers*)

    Fate/stay night-related extended music loops @ my YouTube channel:
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  12. #32
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Kat's Avatar
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    Why poasting it in two threads?

  13. #33
    ( '‿^) Rokudaime's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nintendo Maniac 64 View Post
    Um, koto, the VNDB entry for your patch has been deleted...

    Here's a quote of one of my previous posts which had linked to said entry, but clicking that link now take you to a page that just says "Item deleted".



    Uhhh, what the crap? I mean, we finally get a fully legit 15+ version of the Fate/stay night visual novel and now we can't even get it listed on VNDB...
    It's probably somebody (maybe a staff member?) misunderstanding/not knowing better, and thinking that Jack and Koto's patch are the same thing, and that two entries for the same thing had been made, so they decided to remove one of them to "clean up". That's my guess anyway. Guess we need to make the descriptions for each of the two entries (assuming we're going to add the entry for the vanilla patch back up, providng we are able to do so) more different, to make sure that they understand that the two patches aren't the same.

    On a completely separate note, I just noticed that there is a missing period in the description of Berserker's Divinity skill, in his entry on the Status page.

    "The world is just another word for the things you value around you, right? That's something I've had since I was born. If you tell me to rule such a world, I already rule it."

  14. #34
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Kat's Avatar
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    >Missing period

    Call the grammar police!

  15. #35
    分かろうとするな、感じれ Mcjon01's Avatar
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    Did you even file a request on the discussion board to have it restored like the link said, or did you just run back here to cry about it?

  16. #36
    ( '‿^) Rokudaime's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpaceCaptainKatsura View Post
    >Missing period

    Call the grammar police!
    I have an eye for catching small mistakes in text and language. And anyway, reporting every little typo and grammar mistake is the normal procedure for VN translation projects, so they can be fixed in updated patch versions. Doesn't mean I'm personally bothered by a missing period lol. I'm not complaining, I'm just reporting them. So stop your bitching!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Nitpicking, but: During "4th Day: Before noon -Solo&Only": "Sitting in a Japanese-style on the wooden floor, she is not wearing her armor." should probably either (preferably) be "Sitting Japanese-style on the wooden floor, she is not wearing her armor.", or "Sitting in a Japanese style on the wooden floor, she is not wearing her armor.".

    "The world is just another word for the things you value around you, right? That's something I've had since I was born. If you tell me to rule such a world, I already rule it."

  17. #37
    Resident straight-male kuutsundere Nintendo Maniac 64's Avatar
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    Success! Koto's patch listing on VNDB has been restored:

    http://vndb.org/r35204.6

    (special thanks to surferdude over in Jack's thread)
    Beast Lair's resident straight-male kuutsundere
    (because just "tsundere" makes people think of "Shana clones" *shivers*)

    Fate/stay night-related extended music loops @ my YouTube channel:
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  18. #38
    Fuckin' chicken grill!!! Kotonoha's Avatar
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    heyyyyy all

    Released a new version of the patch, this should address all the typos mentioned in here and the ones Jack gave me (plus Waku's new images).

    Now I'm going to go shed more tears of joy over UBW.

  19. #39
    I've read through Fate. The good news is I haven't noticed any typos (but I might just be bad at noticing them). The bad news is the Mirror Moon TL is far more awkward than I remembered. I was mostly reading for my enjoyment, and not to spot mistakes, but I noted a couple either way.
    On the topic of me being actually qualified to fix mistakes: I'm not entirely sure that I am. I can't compare the TL with the original Japanese, which seems like the best thing to do. English isn't even my native language (though for a non-native speaker, I think I have an excellent grasp of it). The least I can do is point out some problems. I suggest some fixes, but I expect them to be taken with a grain of salt.

    Here they are: (wall of text warning)
    Spoiler:

    Code:
    3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
    In the end, where I end up is how I'm saved after running out of energy.
    I don't know what is supposed to be conveyed by this line.
    Code:
    3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
    I don't think she has to make anything this elaborate for breakfast, but I think she made a lot of it to take for lunch too.
    Typical awkward MM line. Would probably work better as two sentences.
    Code:
    I don't think she has to make anything this elaborate for breakfast. She made a lot of it, enough to take for lunch too.
    Code:
    3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
    You don't happen to have no appetite this morning, right?
    Awkward mess. Would be nice if the dialogue sounded like something a person might actually say.
    Code:
    You wouldn't happen to have no appetite this morning, would you?
    Code:
    3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
    "I'm not helping the student council. It's only natural for a student to fix the school equipment, right? After all, we're the ones using them."
    I'm not sure whether using the plural is actually incorrect here, but it sounds iffy to me.
    Code:
    3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
    He's not human, so something merely like a human will die.
    That is...
    That's...
    That's... something I can just ignore?
    I'd go with a question structure for a question, unless we want to make Shirou sound like a retard.
    Code:
    Is...
    Is that...
    Is that... something I can just ignore?
    Code:
    3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
    I don't feel any pain already.
    You could go with the more formal:
    Code:
    I no longer feel any pain.
    Or perhaps:
    Code:
    I don't feel any pain anymore.
    Code:
    3rd Day: Night-Returning Home - One more time
    But I've never heard of ghosts with form, able to associate directly with people.
    I vaguely recall the word "associate" being misused in some other instances, too.
    Code:
    But I've never heard of ghosts with form, able to interact with people directly.
    Code:
    3rd Day: Lecture on Masters - Tohsaka Rin(II)
    "Of course. We are heading to Kotomine Church in the neighboring town. That's where the false priest, the one who oversees this battle, is living."
    Unless Tohsaka means to emphasize that Kotomine is currently living in the church (as opposed to his usual sweet bachelor pad), the correct version is:
    Code:
    "Of course. We are heading to Kotomine Church in the neighboring town.  That's where the false priest, the one who oversees this battle, lives."
    Code:
    4th Day: Awakening-My room - Principle of action-Tohsaka Rin
    Tohsaka throws out a temper.
    This might be some sort of slang I'm not aware of. Perhaps:
    Code:
    Tohsaka's temper flares up.
    Code:
    4th Day: Rin's question - Understanding the current situation
    The type of gun depends on the magus's abilities: pistol, rifle, machinegun, shotgun...
    This is actually more of a typo. It should be "machine gun", obviously. Also, that metaphor is terrible.
    Code:
    4th Day: Night - Is my Master aptitude low?
    "-You're persistent, Saber. I told you I was just confused. I'm scared of death too. I can't be a saint.
    ...If something like that happens again, I'll save myself before you."
    Shirou is insisting here that he's normal and values his life. Saying: "I can't be a saint." implies that maybe he wants to be a saint. He's trying to assure Saber that he's a perfectly run-of-the-mill, selfish Magus (definitely not a saint). Plus, "I'm not a saint" is an actual established phrase in the English language.
    Code:
    "-You're persistent, Saber. I told you I was just confused. I'm scared of death too. I'm not a saint.
    ...If something like that happens again, I'll save myself before you."
    Code:
    4th Day Bedtime: Shed - Star in the fog
    "...Thank God. I thought Saber would notice, but she must be pretty dull."
    I'd take a look at the Japanese here. Is Shirou really calling Saber dull? Suggestion:
    Code:
    "...Thank God. I thought Saber would notice, but she must be pretty out of it."
    Code:
    5th Day: Dinner-Bedtime - Crash of the lion and the tiger
    Because Father was a simpleton who went to foreign countries all the time, he would have more acquaintances overseas than in Japan.
    Again, is Shirou really insulting Kerry like that? I'm not sure what this is about. Seems like some sort of mistranslation to me.
    Code:
    14th Day: Return home - Parting at the bridge
    Saber notices something and stops.
    She is watching a mountain of rubble.
    It's not that tall even though it's a 'mountain' of rubble.
    Steel frames and the likes are piled right up to the water surface and are slightly distorting the flow of the river.
    I don't know why, but is seems like a ship sank or something, and pieces of it flowed into a mountain.
    I heard the local residents have been demanding its removal for a long time since it damages the beautiful sight.
    "...? What's wrong, Saber? Did that catch your attention?"
    "No, I was noticing that it still remains because I was the cause of it. I used the Noble Phantasm here, having fought on water in the previous war.
    The only damage was that the river dried up, but I also destroyed the ship that was unfortunately anchored there."
    The thing with calling it a mountain, and then saying it's not actually tall enough to be called a mountain is just weird. I'd get rid of that entirely, since the "Steel frames..." sentence conveys the size of the pile of rubble pretty well. There are some other problems, too. Here's a different take on it (some relatively big changes):
    Code:
    Saber notices something and stops.
    She is watching a mountain of rubble.
    Steel frames and the like are piled right up to the water surface and are slightly distorting the flow of the river.
    I don't know why, but is seems like a ship sank or something, and the debris formed a big pile.
    I heard that the local residents have been demanding its removal for a long time because it damages the beautiful sight.
    "...? What's wrong, Saber? Did the rubble catch your attention?"
    "I was only noticing that it still remains because I was the cause of it. I used my Noble Phantasm here, back when I was fighting on the water in the previous war.
    It made the river dry up and, unfortunately, it also destroyed the ship that was anchored here."
    Code:
    VS Gilgamesh - What I want to protect
    I hear something sliding on the ground.
    Sliding.
    Is the ground of the park slippery because it's level?
    I slide across the ground and finally come to a stop.
    Slippery because it's level? What? Shirou is pretty confused here because he just go owned by Gilgamesh, but that doesn't excuse his nonsensical narration. Again, the original Japanese should probably be looked at. The line can easily be made to work, but I'd rather find out what it's supposed to be in the first place.
    Code:
    I hear something sliding on the ground.
    Sliding.
    Is the ground here slippery?
    I slide across the ground and finally come to a stop.
    Code:
    Fate - stay Night(I)
    I jump sideways.
    This is the result of my instincts of not wanting to die...
    ...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
    Ugh.
    Code:
    I jump sideways.
    This is the result of my desire for survival...
    ...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
    Or maybe:
    Code:
    I jump sideways.
    This is the result of my survival instinct...
    ...Overwhelming my desire to kill him.


    Additionally, when reading Golden Separation (the epilogue portion of Fate) I noticed a large number of errors. So I re-read it with the intent of spotting all the annoying, awkward lines. There were... quite a few. I don't know if Golden Separation is especially bad, or is it just that I was really paying attention to the language, but holy shit there's a lot of them. I was going to include them in this post, but it's 3AM and I have to sleep. If anyone cares, I can post it tomorrow. Is there any interest in fixing the language up like this in the first place? In an ideal world, a skilled editor with a grasp of Japanese would do an editing pass for the entire VN...
    Last edited by Aravan; July 30th, 2014 at 09:08 PM.

  20. #40
    The MM TL is pretty flowery in language but for the most part we are leaving it as it is unless we find some actual mistakes. The only style change I'm willing to implement right now are ones that are inconsistent between routes, like if MM's style improved with UBW and HF, those improvements could be reflected into Fate for example.
    Memorable quotes



    Quote Originally Posted by Kinoko Nasu
    So as to stimulate the reader's imagination, I try not to write too clearly about mechanics and characters' inner workings.
    Quote Originally Posted by UnlimitedBladeWorks
    In all honesty the Ufo Anime should've included a switch that let people chose what route they wanted to watch.

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