Currently Unnamed Bakemonogatari-series Fic

[AkaiNeko]

I wrote this a little while ago. Figured I should post it somewhere.




So there was this girl, Suruga Kanbaru. We’ll just call her “Monkey”.

And she was in love with another girl named Hitagi Senjougahara. We’ll call her “Crabby”.

Yeah, they’re both girls.

Crabby was always a little hung up on that part. Maybe.

Anyway, when Crabby was younger, her parents – well, mostly her Mom – kinda got into this cult. Got really deep into it. Her parents started fighting a lot, for obvious reasons. And this guy Kaiki Deishu – let’s call him Crow – showed up, and....I’m not really sure. He broke up Crabby’s parents, apparently without involving sex and probably involving money, and she hated him for a long time after that.

Also he happened to be Monkey’s uncle, which is a pretty weird coincidence but not really relevant at all.

....hehe, “Monkey’s uncle”. Anyways.

After that, poor Crabby always had problems with people. Not with getting them to like her or getting along with them – she grew up smart and pretty and charismatic, if really weird. No, she just had a hard time being around people, had a hard time trusting them.

In middle school she became the star of the track team. She and Monkey met in Crabby’s second year; Monkey was one year younger. Like a lot of kids both male and female, Monkey quickly came to admire her. Much less like other kids, she actually managed to catch Crabby’s attention when she became the star of the basketball team. They became good friends, the pretty, mature Crabby and the brash, tomboyish Monkey.

Of course, Monkey was a lesbian. And Crabby apparently wasn't. It didn't take a genius to figure out where this was going.

Naturally Monkey was rejected. Somehow or other, they managed to stay good friends, even though Monkey never really got over her.

But in high school, something happened. For a little while, Crabby went completely cold to everyone. Which, to be fair, wouldn't usually have been all that weird, because she’s kind of emotionally unstable and a natural, grade-A tsundere kind of girl to boot. But she also did it to Monkey, her closest friend at the time, which was obviously a lot weirder. But of course, ‘cause this that’s just how these things work, she wouldn't talk to her (or anyone else, but whatever) about it. And so Monkey was left to wonder what had happened, what was going on with her friend, what she had done wrong and so on. And Crabby drifted away from everyone.

Naturally, ‘cause this is also just how these things work, the truth of the matter ended up being a hell of a lot weirder than anyone expected. Apparently, Crabby was possessed by a crab god. Yeah. Which didn't actually exist somehow. And because of some bullshit involving the kanji with which one spells “crab” or some shit it stole Crabby’s “weight”. Which literally meant she weighed about what she would on the moon (apparently supernatural beings run on wordplay) at all times, but it also apparently meant her emotions and bonds with people and such – so she was literally in danger of “drifting away”.

Because crabs somehow. I don’t really know, Oshino-sensei never really explained most of this shit very well.

Anyway supposedly this all happened because the somehow-nonexistent crab-god was attracted to Crabby’s emotional trauma from when her mother was involved in that cult that sorta drove her insane. This part’s more of a rumor, but supposedly Crabby got assaulted by one of the members, and her resisting, and her mother not doing anything about it, is was broke the family up. Bad shit.

So anyway, along came this pretty cool guy named Koyomi Araragi – we’ll call him “Moron” – who due to a completely unrelated set of circumstances is actually a partial vampire, however that works. He accidentally figured out that something supernatural was going on with Crabby, and got help from his mentor, Meme Oshino, who we’ll call Sensei.

So Sensei beat up the nonexistent crab-god a little and gave Crabby a chance to figure out some of her issues, and she got a lot better and the nonexistent crab god disappeared. She and Moron also started dating.

And for the record, no, I’m still not 100% on all of that. So feel free to skim back over things if you need to, I won’t judge.

So next, Monkey got possessed. But the funny thing was, this actually happened years ago. When Monkey was younger, she found one of those monkey paw things that grants wishes, but they always go wrong. She didn't know about those stories, of course, so she used it and a bunch of people got hurt – this one granted wishes based mostly on a combination of your subconscious desires and massive amounts of violence. This was actually why she was such a good athlete later, as it happens.

Fortunately, despite her image, Monkey is actually fairly smart and figured out the catch early. Less fortunately the damned thing tends to sort of act on its own initiative, rather than waiting for its owner to wish on it.

I mentioned that Monkey was in love with Crabby earlier, yeah? Well, I meant that. Pretty seriously in love with her. Enduring, strong, patient, loyal, yadda yadda yadda, all those great, long-lasting things love is supposed to be. So even though she thought she was ok-ish with getting rejected, well, turns out not so much. And all that came back with a fucking vengeance when Crabby started dating Moron.

So that monkey’s paw – turned out later that it was actually a demon’s hand or something, according to Sensei – ended up possessing Monkey. Good news was that it was a sort of time-share-ish arrangement – Monkey had control most of the time, and every now and then, mostly at night, the hand – which fused with her’s, because fucking demons – took over and....well, it mostly tried to murder Moron.

A Rainy Devil, that’s what Sensei called it. Sorry.

Luckily, as was mentioned before, Moron happens to be a partial vampire. And as it turns out, even a one-seventh partial vampire is close enough to the real thing that, while he couldn't actually do anything to the possessed Monkey and got his ass kicked, she also couldn't kill him enough to actually keep him down.

So while Moron was busily living down to the name we’re using for him and trying to fight Monkey to snap her out of the devil’s control, Crabby – who figured out some of this on her own and some of it from Sensei – showed up and helped talk Monkey back down, and the demon gave up control.

Stayed attached to her arm, though. Fortunately it did make that arm even stronger than Monkey normally was, which was saying something, and was oddly easy to hide under a good bandage wrap.

So Monkey became friends with Moron and sorta made up with Crabby. She also gained a disciple in Moron’s younger sister Karen. We’ll call her “Bee”. I actually kinda think that she and Moron have done it.

But that’s not really related, either.

....ehehehe, “related”.

For the record, there’s no moral here. Lessons, maybe. The story is what is because that’s how it happened.

So why am I talking about this, you may be wondering?

....man, I don’t know. Probably some kind of masochism or something. This shit just kinda pops in any time I talk to her.


"A Small Addendum"

In a small café in the center of town, a war was brewing.

Oh, we smiled, certainly; from the sides it probably even looked like an ordinary conversation between two friends. But it was far from it! Oh, we smiled, but they were hunter’s smiles, filled with….

....yeah, I can’t do this. The weird narration stuff is really more Moron’s thing. We were kinda glaring at each other, since we’re both pretty combative in our friendship. It’s just our thing.
Naturally we were talking about my problems. Because life is cruel like that. Or Senjo is, maybe.

I mean, we were sort of talking about my problems. “Actually, not only is it your responsibility to listen to me bitch about this, it’s your double responsibility to do so.” Talking about talking about my problems is more or less the same as talking about my problems, right?

....yeah, I know it’s not, but I don’t claim to have much emotional bravery. So sue me, we all have our hang-ups.

Senjo’s eye twitched. I think it was the smug ass, shit eating grin – I’m pretty sure she even knew I was affecting it. It’s just that effective a weapon. Even so, she was the school idol for a reason; Hitagi Senjougahara does not easily lose her cool when she doesn't want to. “Explain.”

“With pleasure. Point one-one: The subject of my bitching is my romantic misfortunes. Agreed?”

There was an unpleasant cast to her now definitely forced smile. She might not have known exactly where this was going, but she could see the general shape – it was actually kind of flattering to realize that she was probably mentally conceding the point to her mentally constructed hypothetical future me. “Agreed.”

“Point one-two: Without proper extenuating circumstances, the primary source of those romantic misfortunes – heretofore referred to as ‘seafood –’”, for one terrifying moment I thought that might’ve been pushing too far, but then she primly shoved the scissors back in her pocket and pretended that I hadn't noticed her considering stabbing me in public, “– is obligated to bear some of the weight of the damage they've caused. Agreed?”

She had that 'I am going to do something violent to you' gleam in her eye, and I knew before she spoke that she thought she had an opening and was going straight for the throat. “No.” Shocking. “Your broken heart, tragic as it is, is ultimately not my responsibility unless I-”

“‘Seafood’, senpai. ‘Seafood’.”

There was a short silence.

....during it took everything I had not to run away. I’m not proud, I can admit it.

“....I’d like to apologize for my previous interruption. Please continue with your statement, senpai.” Hey, I know when to fold ‘em. Sometimes. If the planets are right. Look, she’s scary, ok?

“Thank you. As I was saying, save under certain circumstances, I am, as the object of your affections and ergo the partial cause of your distress, I am only responsible to hear out your grievances on the subject up to a point – beyond the initial, basic airing of said grievances, further bitching is to be tolerated only at my discretion – which is to say, mostly as my goodwill and tolerance for the subject allow.”

She paused, looking like she wanted to continue but unsure what she wanted to say. Her face was a lot less fight-y, and a lot more trying-to-be-friendly. “Unless there’s something you particularly needed to say on the subject[ ]” I’m honestly not even sure what punctuation mark ended that sentence. It was either a period or a question mark. I don’t think she knew herself.

“Actually, um. That brings me to point two.” Great, now I was getting nervous. Just what I needed.

....quick confession: I was looking forward to this. I mean really looking forward to this. I wanted this, needed this badly. It was a raw, burning sensation in my gut, and for a moment I was confessing to her again, and the only difference was the rage and the tears that I suddenly realized were threatening to spill out. I hated myself for it, but I wanted to hurt her with this. I don’t think it was just some sadistic revenge thing - I needed to know that she cared, that she knew how much I hurt and hurt with me. I needed her to bleed with me.

God but I have issues. Fuck, I’ll be happy just getting this out to her. Just having her know.

“Look, you’re my best friend.” I couldn't even look her in the eye. “And therefore, barring extenuating circumstances, you’re the person I’m supposed to talk about this shit with.” I think I still had some kind of smile on. I’m really not sure. “But you. Um. You always kind of avoid the issue.” ....yeah. Really going for broke there, Kanbaru.

We sat in silence for a while after that. I munched on my burger and she sipped at her shake.

I tried really hard not to look like I was waiting for her to look at me.




I continue to not claim to be a good writer, and my war with tense continues. Feel free to comment.