I'm alive.
Also, try not to take this too seriously. It's probably a one-shot. Probably.
Originally posted on reddit here: https://www.reddit.com/r/grandorder/...pe_blossoming/
Welcome to the eccentric and likely cringy misadventures of Edgelord and his agency of storybook abominations!
---
The world, is a dark place. In this Age of Convenience, the mysteries of nature have become simple everyday conveniences that fuel the slothful sides of our lives. Because of this, human nature has become weak. It is easy despair from the simplest things, especially when our crutches are knocked out from underneath us.
... That is why, it is our job to educate these lazy masses. These lazy masses of humanity that hide behind their computer screens, their mobile devices... They feel that they can spout whatever they like without consequence, because it's convenient like that. No, it is our job to educate them about the beautiful cruelty of reality. It is our duty to tutor them on the jet-black terror that is true despair. It is our-
"WAKE UP, GANKU!"
"HAYDEEAAAAH!"
A loud crashing noise resounded as the jet-black daydreamer was taken out by a stray teapot, causing him to impressively flounder on the ground in shock.
A frilly-dressed lolita of small proportions seemed to be the perpetrator to this crime, as she wore quite an irritated pout on her face.
"Ganku-san, the buzzer has been ringing for the last five minutes! Make the buzzing stop!"
"Next time..."
The jet-black protagonist shot from his floundered position, readjusting his fedora... no, his boater- his pork pie hat? That sounds dumb, let's call it... the edgehat. Yes, he readjusted his edgehat that seemed to perpetually be attached to his messy silver hair as he addressed his lolita colleague.
"You WILL at least pour me a cup of tea before throwing the pot! Fool!"
He announced this with such jet-black determination, that it could make the angstiest of adolescents swoon in awe. There was no need for any more introduction: this was the protagonist of our little story, Edmond Dant-
"I am Gankutsuou! The most dreadful, pitch black-hearted Avenger that the world has ever known! Edmond Dantes is a moniker for the weak!"
A glasses-clad nervous wreck peeked his head into the room, sweatdropping a fair bit at the vulgar display of sheer animosity... no, wait, it was just him being as he was usually.
"K-keep it down... the neighbors will complain again... also, did you want brown or white toast for your eggs benedict?"
And here we have the anxious straightman, so to speak, Henry Jekyll. He should be a doctor or something, technically... but he's been reduced to a lowly manservant in the presence of this jet-black superior. In some worlds, that's an upgrade over his previous profession.
"White like the souls of the innocent! Which do not exist in this world!"
"Ganku-san, the buzzer!"
Oh, right. Almost forgot. This little brat is called Nursery Rhyme. She dresses the part of a living Victorian doll or something, and has a literal Wonderland in her pockets... well, in her book, which she presumably keeps in her pockets. Apparently she is actually the book itself as well. So her doll-like body is an accessory. I think.
How did these three rag-tag Heroic Spirits end up in this situation? By the way, they are in an office-like environment... it's almost like something out of a noir fic. No, it's completely like that. For this is-
"The Gankutsuou Agency of Despair! We unlock the true potential of your everyday problems, and make them into true nightmares!"
"That's not our slogan, dum-dum!!"
Rhyme and Ganku started to spit fire at each other, which was pretty much a daily routine by this point. It was easy for such things to happen regularly to fill the absence of anything else remotely interesting happening.
Being the wiser one in the agency, Jekyll meekly decided to slip away and answer the front door buzzer which had been incessantly ringing this entire time.
"Ah... yes, hello? Gankutsuou Agency, how can we help you?"
It was as traditional a greeting as you could give, perfectly executed by the average Jekyll as he opened the door to a pair of skeletons. Yes, skeletons. In everyday human clothing, cause what else would these completely ordinary everyday citizens of Chaldeaville wear?
You did not misread that.
Jekyll welcomed the married skeletons in and sat them on the client's couch, your usual setup for these kind of situations. The three of them could only watch on in awkwardness as they saw a jet-black Avenger and a gothic lolita Caster pulling and tugging at each other's hair from behind the leader's desk.
"G-guys... we have clients... like, actual clients!"
They froze and turned their gazes to the pair of skeletons. The man... well, presumably the man since he was wearing a suit, waved somewhat awkwardly at them. Ganku suddenly threw the doll-like loli towards the kitchen, warranting a shrill scream that was quickly silenced by the crashing of pans. The jet-black head of the house was practically glowing darkness as he kicked back in his seat, crossing his arms and addressing his dear clients at last.
"You have stumbled into the lands of vengeance and despair! I am Gankutsuou, the king of this very establishment. Allow me to hear your woes and regrets!"
He claps his hands twice, as if to cue them. After a bit of a gasp, the male(?) skeleton speaks out. He clears his non-existent throat.
"Ah, yes, you see... Ahem. My name is Mr Franz. This is Mrs Franz. It's a pleasure to... um, making your acquaintance, Mr Gankutsuou. As for your problem... well, you see, we have a broken grandfather clock..."
"I see, I see! You despair because that clock has been a family heirloom for generations! Or perhaps, it is something you have borrowed by someone of sufficient social standing and renown? And now that you have broken it, you have broken the rules of lending and cannot face the truth of the matter! Face your fears!"
".... Ah, no. It's nothing like that."
The skeleton waved his hand dismissively at the Avenger's outrageous claims. Jekyll could only sigh as he caught a glimpse of his boss twitching ever-so slightly. A bad sign.
"You see... it's broken, yet it keeps tick-tocking... as if the pendulum keeps on swinging, yet it's not. I am a clock worker, you see, but I could not find the origin of the sounds... so we believe something paranormal is at work."
"You see, you see... You sure say that a lot."
Suddenly the jet-black fellow stood on top of his desk, like an angry middle schooler. The skeletons were slightly taken aback from this.
"Quite clearly... you have angered a vengeful spirit through not taking care of this clock sufficiently! It has cursed your household to eternal tick-tocking! You must exorcise the evil! If you cannot, you must sell your property, save yourself from mortgage debts! Or better yet, rent it out to some pathetically lazy youths and drive them insane by feigning ignorance at the blatantly paranormal phenomena while making dirty profit! It's a common practice in this world!"
He had sure become scary with a jet-black aura of hatred as he went on his tirade. The poor skeletons were clutching each other out of fear. Jekyll patted them on the shoulders to reassure them.
"Don't mind my boss, he gets grumpy about the world sometimes... with your permission, we shall come investigate it. Is that okay?"
"Y-yes... that's perfectly fine. We don't know why we're so sure it's paranormal, but it's definitely something like that."
His wife nodded to affirm his statement. Jekyll nodded in response, smiling in a soothing fashion.
"We'll get to the bottom of it, you can count on us, Mr and Mrs Franz."
By the time Jekyll had led the clients out and returned to his boss, Ganku was just about finished with his angry rant. A pitch black stain remained on the ceiling from his hateful aura. The angst is real.
"They left me with an advance payment, boss. They're serious about this case."
He handed the envelope to Ganku, who snatched it from his assistant's grasp. He stowed it away in a drawer, not even bothering to check the amount.
"A house-call, is it? Could be entertaining... I wonder how many things we will break this time."
He grinned evilly. His rampantly childish side was showing, which only made Jekyll weep a bit.
"Boss... we haven't even finished paying off the debt we collected over the previous assignment we... ahem, annihilated. Can we at least show some courtesy for the surrounding area on this case?"
"Always a stick in the mud, eh, Jekyll... well, no matter. I have an inkling that we'll find something quite dreadfully terrible at the bottom of this seemingly mundane case. Yes! That is the way forward!"
He shot up from his desk and went over to a coat hook, donning his trademark mantle of night. He swished it around dramatically as if striking a pose, some form of personal ritual for every time he put the thing on.
"Nursery Rhyme! Come! We have another despair-filled chronicle to fulfill!"
Pots tumbled as the lolita marched out obediently from the kitchen, having equipped a tin pot of shoddy quality, no enchantments.
"Ready, Ganku-san!"
She saluted as she joined Jekyll and Ganku at the door. The haphazard trio held their heads high as they marched out the door of their agency into the world beyond.... no, wait, into a rundown bottom-of-society apartment block. But from there, they would march out to the world... the world that is the streets of downtown Chaldeaville.
"The world of glorious despair and treacherous hope awaits us! What delightfully decadent trials and tribulations await the Gankutsuou Agency?!"
---
Click, clack, click.
".... And, there. Fixed."
Mr Franz clapped his hands in joy as the grandfather clock started to swing its pendulum once again.
Jekyll stood up, wiping sweat from his brow.
"Never fixed one of these before... I'm glad it worked out sufficiently though."
It was probably the happiest ending to this story. So let's go with that. The clock is fixed, the Agency gets paid. Everyone lived happily ever-
"UNACCEPTABLE!"
The jet-black voice of steel determination howled throughout the upper-class household, causing everyone to rear back in surprise. Rhyme's head rang as the sound reverberated around in her pot wear. It gave her a weakness against vibrations, after all. No, don't take that out of context.
"I refuse to allow our hunt to end on such a bland note! It is like one of those fireworks that simply flies up, flickers and whistles, then vanishes. There's no explosion at the end! What kind of depressed individual came up with that?!"
"B-boss, I think you're taking this a bit too seriously..."
Thud. Rhyme passed out from the intense shockwaves assailing her cranium. The casualties of this case went up by one.
"O-oh my, your daughter seems to have passed out..."
The worried skeletal lady knelt beside the passed out lolita and tended to her, finally ridding her of that dreadful starting area headwear.
"Objection! She is not my daughter! She is my pet! Furthermore, this mystery is not yet solved!"
"B-boss! Calling her your pet makes you sound like an infidel!"
That's what you're concerned over? I mean- ... Ganku pointed at the clock in an accusatory manner, not yet deeming this story worthy of being wrapped up.
"The ticking has not stopped! It is simply concealed by the clock now! Besides, weren't we originally hear to scope out vengeful spirits? Not fix the damn thing!"
With jet-black determination, Ganku stepped forward and roundhouse kicked the wretched grandfather clock. The skeletons could only display expressionless shock as their beloved furniture was trashed in such awesome fashion.
"Away with this! Now listen to the ticking, the tocking! It has not stopped, it's still there!"
As the crash of the clock died down, indeed... the tick-tocking was still present as ever. Or rather, it sounded more like... something much smaller, like an alarm clock, or a pocket watch.
"What... is that? It's not the grandfather clock..."
Jekyll was surprised indeed, he really thought it was just a mechanical fault... or at least something physical. That kind of assumption was thrown to the wind now, with the death of the clock.
"T-then we really are haunted?!"
The skeleton couple sounded terrified as they held each other. They had their fair share of skeletons in the closet, though nothing compared to this!
"Yes! You are haunted! But not by a ghost... nor a vengeful spirit, sadly... come! Show yourself, culprit! Cease tormenting these innocent undead and face us in your full colors!"
Ganku called out... and after a moment, his summons were received. An echoed yawn was heard... and the ticking stopped. The group froze and remained alert of their surroundings... as the air grew chill.
As he looked up, Jekyll gasped... as he saw something melt out of the ceiling, or at least that was the best way he could describe it. A multitude of vivid colors emerged from there, from a distorting rift in space, as something that could only be called a clown-like devil emerged from its own private dimension.
"Ara ara... my after-year snooze has been disrupted. You know what that means? Death! Lots of death! Yahoooo!"
The colorful culprit suddenly raised his head to glare down at the group with crazed, rippling eyes, a manic grin spread across his glittery features. He descended almost gracefully, carefully flipping over in midair as he came to greet the disturbers of his peace.
"What have we here? The mismatched pair of boney denizens, and a motley crew of storybook apparitions? Wonderful! Absolutely, terribly wonderful! It makes me want to laugh so much!"
And laugh he did, the jester's merciless laughter rung throughout the area. The skeletons and Jekyll dropped to their knees, arms limp and their minds becoming turbulent. It was just crazed laughter, yet something was dreadfully wrong... like, things were about to become rather unfortunate to a drastic degree.
"B-boss... this is bad! He is a real devil!"
"Yes! Yes! I am a real devil! It is I, Mephistopheles, the foulest devil that the world has ever kno-"
BLAM!
A well-packed right hand met with the clown's grinning visage as the colorful mass was sent flying down the corridor, into and through a wall with a loud crash. In his place, a jet-black drenched fist remained, thrown by our beloved anti-hero.
"Yeah? And I am the foulest revenger that the world has ever known, Gankutsuou! Do not try to rob me of my spotlight!"
As soon as the laughter ended, the skeletons and Jekyll reclaimed their bearings, gasping in shock. Was it a hex of sorts that pinned them down before?
"Jekyll, my boy! Take the useless things away from here, I shall perform the "exorcism"."
"E-exorcism? When you say it like that, I have my doubts... Oh gosh darnit, do what you have to do!"
The lackey led the skeletons away, as instructed, leaving Ganku with the recovering clown. The jet-black anti-hero flexed his knuckles a bit as he saw Mephistopheles come flying out from the hole in the wall, demented scissors primed to kill.
"This is... fun? Yes, it is fun! What a wake-up call I received! Hahaha, I thought true peace was found in deep slumber with a dream or two... no, it really was true peace, because it was shattered in an instant, and now I'm chortling in despaaair! Hahahaha!"
Black lightning crackled from Ganku's hand as the clown closed the distance fairly quickly. He thrust it forward with force, intending to clash dramatically with the closing blades.
"Despair? No, allow me to fulfill my ultimate purpose here and now..."
With a rush of jet-black rage, the lightning surged with his palm as the laughter encroached on him from all sides.
"I shall treat you to the dreadful delights of real despair, clown!"
And then they fought. You think I'm gonna write out some epic fight scene for this kind of story?
No.
The fight took them to the lobby of the mansion. Yeah, it's a mansion now. Mephisto is quite clearly on the bad end of this deal, with Ganku barely scathed. It's a 3-star Caster vs a 5-star Avenger, what did you think would happen?
"Ha... ha... you truly are a devil... no, you're just a monster... I haven't ever laughed this hard. Is this what they call a fateful encounter?!"
He chanted to himself like a man in love. Which, in this context, is frankly quite disgusting. That is what Ganku thought, anyway. He spat at the ground in disgust as his body rippled with black thunder.
"A fateful encounter? Perhaps... for you, that is. The only fateful encounter that awaits me... is the reunion with all the world's evils! That is a far more epic climax to a story, isn't it?!"
The demon jester could only laugh even more at this, clutching his abdomen a bit from the strain of laughter... until it just all died out suddenly. He reverted to a neutral stance as he stared over at Ganku with a deadpan expression, his former joviality gone.
"Climax to a story? Is that all you care about? Don't you ever stop to think, this would make for a good laugh? Like pulling a prank on a loved one, or ruining an innocent's livelihood?"
"Loved one? I wouldn't know anything about love anymore... nothing remains in me but jet-black determination. As for innocents? I prefer not to trifle with mediocrity."
The deadpan expression seemed to worsen, as Mephisto almost scowled. This man just knew absolutely no fun whatsoever. He wasn't even having fun here, like he himself was... how can an encounter like this be truly enjoyful if both parties didn't share the same reverie in the thrills? Everything to him... was black.
"That's just no fun. No fun, no fun! So let's make it fun for you, since that is what my character has decided to build itself off of!"
He suddenly raised his hand. A few shrieks were heard from an unseen corner, causing Ganku's attention to shift. He spied the skeletons and Jekyll... except now, they were covered in golden familiars; pocket watch-like insects that had suddenly appeared on them. They were firmly latched on, as Jekyll tried to remove one and was only met with burning pain.
"Fufufufu... hahahaha! How about this for some fun? A little game! You see, my tick-tock bombs have latched themselves onto their Magic Circuits... a heinous curse for a heinous fiend such as I! I can make them go boom, boom, boom! At the click of a finger! Or even the bat of an eyelid! How does that make you feel, eh? They are my play things now! How will you try to save them?"
Ganku only stared at the hostages, Jekyll returning a strained gaze as he could feel the tick-tock bombs crawling along his very nerves, ticking away incessantly. To know that explosive demise was literally clinging to the fibers of your being, it was a despair-inducing predicament. Ganku returned his hidden gaze to Mephisto, his eyes hidden by the shade of his hat ominously.
"Hero... what will you do to save them? It's an easy answer! Play this game with me, and have some fun! Laugh in the merry thrill with me, as we clash once again in this atrocious bout of ours!"
He smiled. The smile turned into chuckles, and it escalated into booming laughter. Ganku was laughing so loudly, and it almost brought tears of joy to Mephisto's eyes. However, the Avenger regained his composure suddenly as his face went incredibly stern, so much so that it made Mephisto twitch a bit.
"A game? Is that what this all is to you? Why would a demon like you care to share in merriment with one such as I? Is it because you sense a form of kinship between us? We are nothing alike... I am the greatest revenger in the world. You? You are just some third-rate homonculi created by a third-rate magus that had no ambition!"
This flipped a trigger inside of Mephistopheles. For the first time in his life, his grin twisted into a frustrated scowl. It creased his clown-like features into a terrifyingly demonic expression, his eyes glowing with rage.
"You... you have no right to speak about Faust in such a derogatory tone! He was MY master, **MY** toy! You know nothing about him or I! You know nothing about appreciating pure, unadulterated human desires!"
He raised his hand again, preparing to snap his fingers. Ganku only watched him carefully, as the clown succumbed to his own wrath.
"Fine! Have it your way! Fill the world with darkness and despair, I shall have my amusement through counting the little bits that will be the remains of those poor things over there!"
The skeletons screamed in terror, and Jekyll called out tearfully to his boss as he felt the tick-tock bombs dig their tiny golden pincers into his flesh.
"E-Edmond!"
"No, Jabberwock."
Mephistopheles froze as a bewildered look adorned his face.
"... Eh?"
BAM!
A giant red fist completely and utterly crushed the clown into literal clown dust. The giant brutish monster that had suddenly appeared slowly raised its dull head.
"... One, two! One, two! And through and through!"
"The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!"
"He left it dead, and with its head!"
"He went galumphing back... Good show, Rhyme!"
Ganku finished off the poem he and the lolita were reciting as he applauded her intervention. Indeed, the little frill-clad doll hopped down from the Jabberwock's back, as the monster disappeared into nothingness, leaving nothing but a pile of purple dust.
Jekyll gasped in relief as the tick-tock bomb bugs harmlessly fell to the ground and vanished. The skeletons started to weep as they clung each other desperately.
"B-boss... was that the plan all along? Amazing!"
Jekyll rejoined his two colleagues, overjoyed with the outcome of the entire scenario. He thought he was truly done for...
"Plan? What plan? I was simply spectating it all to see how it would unfold. I must say though... that despair in your eyes when he was about to set them off, great performance Jekyll! You almost had my skin crawling with dread!"
He could only droop his head, for he had lost what little bit of faith he retained for his boss. He really didn't care what could have happened to him.
The scenery started to fade to normal, the scars of battle dissipating as the Bounded Field collapsed. The skeletons frantically crawled towards Ganku, bowing their heads to the ground and offering another envelope.
"P-please! Sir! Take this payment, plus a huge bonus! We cannot ever thank you enough!"
"Yes yes... it was entertaining, somewhat. Do come again, etc etc."
Ganku absent-mindedly swiped the envelope from the boney hand and hid it away in his coat before heading for the exit. Jekyll gathered up the dust in a clear bag before saying farewell to the clients and following his boss' lead.
"Rhyme... if it wasn't for you, I'd be a goner. Thank you!"
"Mmm? What did Nursery Rhyme do?"
Ganku chuckled as the two idly chattered about recent events.
"To be honest, I forget either of you existed... I suppose it's good you made it out alive, eh?"
"I got bored in there, but I was happy to bring Jabberwock out to play again!"
"So you never intended to save me, you just wanted to play..."
The poor barely-Assassin-class could only sigh and hang his head as he was reminded that his two eccentric colleagues were pretty much alien to the notion of camaraderie.
And so, the jet-black revenger, the giggling doll-girl and the tormented manservant made their way home peacefully, having earned their keep from their latest escapade... surely, it was a time to celebrate and be merry over their success!
---
"How much?!"
"Yes... that is the total cost to replace that grandfather clock. It was apparently one-of-a-kind."
Ganku scrawled up the paper in his fist and slammed the desk so hard that it cracked. Jet-black ripples seethed from his angered form.
"They swindled us... the nerve of those undead cretins!"
"I don't they intended that at all... though you did destroy their clock."
It was just another day for the Gankutsuou Agency. AKA, it was pretty much the next day. As Jekyll and Ganku reviewed their still despairingly-low finances, Rhyme was sound asleep on the client's couch, with a cute pink rabbit blanket draped over her.
And then, the familiar buzzer started buzzing.
Ganku buried his head in his hands as his rage boiled over into tragic depression. It was so intensely radiating that Jekyll even had to back off while clutching the bills.
"Everything is going to hell... I have useless lackeys... we're still in debt... cases are as rare as sensible women..."
"C-come now, boss... we can figure a way out of this hole together."
The buzzing stop, and the sound of the door opening was heard. Jekyll looked over, surprised by what he could hear. He could've sworn all three of them were present in the office...
"Maaaaaaster! You have a new client! And he has quite the tragic look on his face! Wink!"
The winking clown emerged from the hallway, floating around like no one's business. Jekyll's glasses fogged up and his jaw dropped, the bills falling from his hands.
"And this fucking clown won't leave me alone now! I hate everything! I hate everything!"
It truly was just another day for the Gankutsuou Agency.
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