Have any ideas where you had plenty of ideas, but for whatever the reason, no more words? Put them here! This is a thread for those stories you half-wrote and just can't finish, for all of those ideas that never got off the ground, for that one dare you swore up and down you were working on, and so on.
I'll start us off with a comedy that felt a bit too serious, a bit too unfunny and a bit too cruel for my tastes. Born from a late-night desire to meme all over an otherwise devoid fanfic contest, this one never made it out of the reproductive canal. Without further ado, I present Tales of the Treasury.
Rafflesiac - Tales of the Treasury (below)
Christemo - Solar Eclipse
Frostyvale - Transience
Dullahan - Flight
Shrapnel893 - What the World Can't Make Sense of.
Nuclear Consensus - Fate/Mano Po
I3uster - Untouchable
Rafflesiac - The Stewards of Gaia (Chapter 2)
Vagrant - Fate/Terra Nullius
Aldeayeah - THE FUYUKI FILE
Imperial - The Magnificence
Leftovers - Glenn Velvet & Berserker
It was nighttime in Fuyuki. Glowing lights of yellow, white and red drowned out the stars as the city busted, cars humming through the business district as exhausted salarymen and office workers trudged into restaurants and bars and nightclubs and other establishments to lubricate tired bodies with the sweet, sweet ichor known as alcohol. Yet the greatest connoisseurs of spirits in the city were nowhere in that sea of lights.
No, they lived in a church on a hill, rank with the odors of evil, rotting orphans and alcoholism.
One of them was a Christian priest, named Kotomine Kirei. His faith was nominal, his height was imposing, and his voice was molten chocolate to anyone with ears. And most of all, he was the second greatest wine aficionado in Fuyuki City after the ever so unfortunate death of a certain Tohsaka Tokiomi.
The greatest enthusiast of wine in the city was the rather haggard blond man who strode through the church to fling open the door of Kirei’s study.
“Gilgamesh, you are here after all. I was beginning to believe that our weekly tasting would be merely a single man’s lonely night.”
Kirei rose from the leather recliner along the right wall of the study and strode to the wine cabinet at the room’s back. He reached for the first of the many vintage bottles for the night, yet stopped at the next words of the golden king.
“There is no time for that now, Kirei! We must celebrate, for I have achieved a great triumph!”
Kirei’s eyes widened, and he turned to face Gilgamesh. For the first time, he noticed the tears in the man’s leather jacket, the rivulets of sweat streaking from damp blond hair down perfectly carved cheekbones.
Had Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes... ran here?
“You seem overjoyed, Gilgamesh. If I may inquire,” Kotomine placed the bottles of wine back in the cabinet and sat in the recliner opposite the sofa - an extravagant affair reserved solely for the king - and continued. “What is the reason for your current enthusiasm?”
Gilgamesh leaned onto the sofa, a manic grin on his face.
“I have acquired the greatest of treasures, Kirei! For years, she has eluded me, but no longer! We rejoice not with the swill of today, but of the splendors of ancient Uruk!”
With a snap of his fingers, a golden portal rippled into existence, and a flagon of the finest wine, wine that filled the air with a heady musk of revelry and dance and music and enthralled the senses with a mere waft of its fragrance, dropped into Gilgamesh’s hands...
“-lease me at once, you basta-”
An eyebrow of Kirei’s raised further.
“The finest wine requires the finest glasses as well!” Another snap of his fingers opened a second and third portal, and chalices woven from crystal finer than a spider’s gossamer begin to fall in a shower of golden light.
“-CALIBUR!”
The portals rippled violently, and the goblets shot forward to shatter against the wall on either side of Kirei.
“Kirei.” Gilgamesh stood, and pulled a golden key from thin air. “I have a matter to attend to.”
He cut the air, and a gate opened. He slammed the key into the marble floor, and the gate began to ripple.
“I have opened a gate, Kirei. The key stabilizes it, bringing permanence to the gate; I will remove it when I have returned.”
Gilgamesh stepped through the gateway, and with a ripple of golden light, he was gone.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Towers upon masses upon castles of gemstones, paintings, blades, chests, statues, FTL spaceships and more reached as far and as high as the eye could see. The air itself thrummed with energy and the soothing aroma of exotic perfumes long lost. Golden walls inscribed with murals of indescribable splendor and beauty enclosed the majestic treasury, both priceless artifacts as valuable as any other in the chamber and stalwart bulwarks mightier than any shield.
Such wasGate of BabylonThe King’s Treasury.
Gilgamesh traced a particularly luscious curve on one of the murals with a single flawless finger.
“Her name as a goddess of beauty was certainly an accurate one. Commissioning these records of my conquests was an excellent idea.”
He scanned the treasury, his eyes seeking a disturbance, an anomaly, an occurrence was just not right-
A golden beam of light shot into the sky and slammed against the ceiling, before exploding in a shower of sparks that rained down upon the mountains of gold.
Scowling, Gilgamesh strode toward the foul odor of priceless and irreplaceable artifacts destroyed by the spat of a child.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Stepping gingerly over the shattered relics of an ancient civilization long lost to history, Gilgamesh walked to the edge of an unnatural clearing, ringed with goblets, mirrors, jewelry and blades charred and smoking. Inside the ring stood a blond woman slumped against a faintly glowing sword, sweat streaming down her face as her body shook in exhaustion.
“Rin! Shirou! Finely braised salmon with capers and a mushroom sauce!”
It was no use. The golden king’s assault had been too great, his treasury was too strong, she would never see her beloved again-!
Saber looked up, and green met blood red. Gilgamesh stared down at her, that abominable grin still on his face, leering down at her!
“You! You dare show your face here after what you did!”
The King of Heroes snorted in amusement. “I am merely taking measure of my treasures in my storeroom, while you are destroying the tomes of the Library at Alexandria, the treasures of Atlantis and what appears to be the many, many lost planes and ships of the Bermuda Triangle.” His expression turned pensive at this. “I suspected that the output of the Gate of Babylon had flagged lately, but to think that I had left an open portal there... it may have been a natural consequence of using Noble Phantasms after that party with the King of Conquerors... .”
The puny blonde shook with wrath that spilled out of her in waves. “You, you... wait, if you are here, then... “ Saber wrenched her sword from the ground and held it aloft. “Then you will die here, Gilgamesh!”
He smirked in amusement, snapping leisurely as the little girl invoked her holy sword. At any moment, his true weapon would fall into his hands, and he would unleash its might to defeat as he had so many times before...
Any moment now...
Gilgamesh snapped frantically, his composure shattered by the unnatural occurrence. Why was the Gate not responding? Why was his treasure not being delivered straight to his hands?
Ah, that was it. The Gate of Babylon was at its fundamentals a Noble Phantasm that moved objects from the inside of his treasury to the outside, and vice versa. It could not fire weapons inside of his treasury, because they were already there. The golden light of Excalibur rained down toward Gilgamesh, backed by the desperate determination of an angry and hungry Saber.
And the golden king hopped aside, watching the beam of light raze another civilization’s worth of historical artifacts and achievements.
The hopes and dreams of humanity were greatly overrated, it seems.
“Wh-what?” Saber sputtered. “How did you dodge Excalibur?”
As she sunk to her knees from exhaustion, Gilgamesh walked toward her, rich laughter rolling from his mouth.
“Why, it is a simple matter, Saber. First, one tenses their legs. And then they jump aside.”
At any rate, she was no longer able to resist. He would restrain her in mind and body, and then would enjoy his wine with Kirei-
The treasury rumbled.
“Oh, that’s not good.”
Saber’s eyes widened. She had never heard that foul man ever acknowledge an inability to deal with a situation, or hold himself with anything more than boundless confidence. What could possibly have occurred to bring forth such a reaction from him?
“Saber, you have made a great mistake.” Gilgamesh’s eyes narrowed as the rumbling intensified. “Your wayward flailings have broken something that should not have been broken, and freed something that should not have been freed. I will require your assistance, or we will both die. First, drink from that flagon with the deformed cat on it to your right; it will rejuvenate you. Secondly, we must find-”
With a guttural howl, a tail of jagged bone slammed into Gilgamesh, sending him soaring over the towers of treasures and out of sight.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Kirei leaned against the back of the chair, hands steepled in thought. This was certainly an irregular occurrence; Gilgamesh entering his own treasury and leaving himself at Kirei’s mercy was nothing short of unthinkable. The priest sighed deeply.
“And I cannot even imbibe of the blood of God’s progeny.”
Kirei knew full well the consequences of getting plastered before the king. Truly, this was all Emiya Kiritsugu’s fault; if that accursed unshaven delusional man had never summoned that Servant, then Kirei would be enjoying 1850s wine right now! Then, Kirei heard a noise that made his clump of mud pulse in exhilaration.
The desperate cries of a boy seeking that which he cared for.
Kirei rose and strode out of the study, hands straightening his cassock and reaching for the emergency bible he kept for situations like these; a good quote went a long way in setting a mood. He walked down the hallway, and stepped down the stairs to lock eyes with the young man who had barged into his home, a trademark smirk rising to his face.
“Greetings, Emiya Shirou. To what do I owe your unexpected trespassing?”
The redhead shook in rage. “You know what I’m here for, Kotomine!”
“Obviously, I do not. Otherwise, why would I ask for the reason of your intrusion?”
“Wh-why you-! Where’s Saber! Where did Gilgamesh take her!”
“How would I know of your Servant’s whereabouts? Is that not your prerogative as her Master? Unless, of course, you are incapable.”
“You... stop screwing with me! Where is he!” spat Shirou through clenched teeth.
“I’m afraid I have not seen the King of Heroes for quite some time. Still,” Kirei ceased his pacing to place a hand on Shirou’s shoulder. “Perhaps you could explain what you believe has transpired.”
“It... it all started during my date with Saber...”
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
The sun shone down on the bustling shopping district, filling the various people with energy. A gentle wind blew, flipping up the skirts of many a heroine and twisting the hair of those in need of dramatic moments. The temperature was just right for whatever type of clothing people wanted to wear, whether that was heavy robes, a skintight bodysuit or even a few tattered loincloths one could not be bothered to launder.
On this perfect day, Saber and Shirou went on a date.
It was truly wonderful, Saber thought. She’d gotten to eat more of that delicious food called taiyaki, and they’d gone to that high class coffee and cake shop - one of two in the country - again to try the signature orange pie, and then there were the ice cream sundae they had eaten from the same cone, and the scrumptious picnic lunch her personal chef and sometimes paramour Shirou had prepared, and the...
Shirou, for his part, was overjoyed as well. He was beside the love of his life, the beautiful and perfect Saber, flawless in every respect! Whether her hair like woven gold with a single strand adorably out of place, or clear green eyes that sparkled like a tropical sea, or smooth skin unmolested by corded muscle, or her petite and childlike frame, or her appetite that puts her body to shame, or her immeasurable majesty as she swings that beautiful sword in battle...
She was perfect in every way.
All too soon, the day drew to a close with the fall of the sun, causing the brilliant red bridge to shine like fire. The couple leaned on the bridge, and Shirou reached his hand to the side to grasp that of his Servant’s. He turned to her, gazing at her flushed cheeks and unbearably soft lips, and leaned toward her. Saber closed her eyes and mirrored him, their lips about to touch-
“Sickening. No matter how many times it is witnessed, the rutting of mongrels remains a sordid affair.”
Saber tore her eyes away to glare upward at Gilgamesh. That accursed and abominable man in gold, leering down at her with those lascivious crimson eyes and that smirk forged from arrogance ruining her date with Shirou!
“What are you doing here, Gilgamesh? We are busy, so remove yourself at once and return to your beloved wine.”
“Is it not the duty of a king to observe his subjects? And as for my reason for being here,” said the golden king, a single armored arm raised as he snapped, sending silver chains flying from the air to encircle Saber, “I am merely collecting a treasure.”
“Why you!” Shirou leapt forward, a pair of swords already in his hands as he stared at Gilgamesh. Whatever swords he launched, whatever blades he called, Shirou would copy them all and surpass the originals!
“I have no time for you, Faker. Be gone.”
A massive warhammer rocketed straight at Shirou, shattering hastily crossed blades, slamming into his stomach and sending him flying off the bridge. Before he slammed into the sparkling surface of the Mion River, his last words rang through the air: “That’s not a swooooooooooooooord!”
Saber wriggled violently, now clad in silver armor, yet to no avail. With a plaintive wail of “Shirouuuuuuuuu!”, the young woman was pulled through a golden portal and disappeared.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
“Who even uses hammers anyways,” Shirou grumbled, a pouty frown plain on his face. “Seriously, hammers are stupid; they’re nowhere near as versatile as swords. Even spears and arrows are better than hammers!”
Kirei smiled bemusedly. Certainly, the King of Heroes was no easily defeated foe. Yet for him to swoop in, ruin the climax of their romantic tryst and humiliate the both of them within the span of not even sixty seconds?
It brought joy to his clump of mud.
“What a... pitiful... state of affairs you are in, boy. Still, it is the nature of the church to accept those who are weak, helpless and alone.”
Shirou’s eyes watered.
“In times such as these, I find that the blood of God is a suitable balm.” Kirei slid his hand from Shirou’s shoulder to his back, and pushed him forward. “I have some waiting in a room to the left here.”
As Kotomine led Shirou away from his private study to the communal wine, the boy began to sob.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
The first thing he saw upon opening his eyes was the scowling face of Saber.
“Awaken at one, Gilgamesh, before I regret digging you out of your piles of trinkets.”
The king pushed himself out of a the remains of a shattered tree embedded in gems and golden coins and stood; he grimaced as a golden apple squelched under his foot. The crumpled ruins of the top of his armor fell to the ground, placing the perfectly sculpted pectorals and abdominals of Gilgamesh on full display. He ran a hand through hair dampened by the nectar of the Hesperides and eyed the other blonde.
She had recovered, doubtlessly due to the Noble Phantasm she had imbibed. Her chastity remained shattered by the sickening touch of that mongrel, yet she was otherwise still the woman he so desperately wanted to claim.
“What has transgressed during my absence, Saber? Tell me at once.”
He was ordering her? Her, the King of Knights? That man was wholly unsuitable to lead; why, he had not even withstood one blow from that... that...
Saber sighed, and spoke. “After that... thing... knocked you aside, I drank of that potion and fled. It took much time, but I found you and roused you.” Green met red.
“King of Heroes... what was that thing?”
He met her gaze and began to speak.
“The creature that you unsealed is the original beast to be defeated.”
Gilgamesh stopped as another rumble shook the treasury, collapsing another tower of relics. The air thrummed with a guttural howl that ripped the sweat from your body and flung it down your back.
“The Bull of Heaven - Humbaba.”
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart
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