Choice 471: [x] An instructor who can help him in his current state
Chapter 113. Tempting Oblivion
Matou Shinji blinked mutely in the wake of Luna’s departure, his mind unable to process the entirety of what had just happened. It had been a shock when Luna had said all those things – he hadn’t known she’d felt that way, had always thought of her as the one who would support him, no matter what, even if everyone else turned against him.
…and yet, this time she hadn’t just stood quietly by his side. She’d…left, with no hint as to when she would return, only that she would. He supposed he should be grateful for that much, at least, yet any comfort from that knowledge was faint and hollow when set against the certainty that something and irreplaceable had been lost.
Innocence, perhaps. A layer of naivete akin to that which Tohsaka was fortunate enough to retain even now, despite how the girl had been steeped in the expectations of the moonlit world – which he had thought that he’d lost years ago, after being betrayed time and time again.
Only to find that even now, words still had the power to wound him grievously, because as strong as he liked to believe he was, as strong as he portrayed himself as being, he knew that in reality, he was a boy who needed the praise of others to keep his sense of self intact.
In that sense, Luna’s quiet support had meant a great deal, even if he’d never said anything out loud about it, had never told her how much he appreciated her kindness, and how she had stood by his side through everything.
‘Why…? What did I do wrong this time?’ he wondered, feeling utterly lost, as the outline of his body seemed to flicker, his human form wavering as his flesh shifted from smooth to scaly, fingers to claws, pupils becoming hellish and slitted. ‘Why…why?’
A maelstrom of emotions swirled within him, pulling his unmoored consciousness towards a single point where everything vanished into primal darkness, old before mankind was young, a realm where reason did not matter, where there was no peace, only passion, only desire and its fulfilment – or if unfulfilled – rage, hot enough to melt mountains, to turn all the ocean into steam.
It was tempting, all too tempting to slip the surly bonds of logic and simply give in, to seize the power that should – that had once been his – to—
Rat-ta-ta-ta!
The boy was torn from his reverie by a knocking on the door of his room.
‘Huh?’ he thought to himself, his mind muddled, as he hadn’t been expecting any visitors. ‘Who…who could it be?’
Thinking that it would only be polite to check, the boy gingerly got to his feet and padded over to the door, opening it, only for whatever he would have said to die in his throat at the sight of Rachelle Lestrange before him, clad in the red and black ensemble he’d seen her in when she had first come to the island.
"Matou," the petite blonde greeted him, as she looked him over with her silver gaze. "Are you well?" she asked, inclining her head.
Had he more warning, or been more composed, the boy would have lied, said that things were just fine, but as it was…
"...no," he replied, tearing his eyes from her to look instead at the ground, as his skin – his face – his body continued to waver in appearance and nature. “I…I’m not if I'm going to be honessssssssst."
The boy blinked at the oddly sibilant syllables coming out of his mouth, and again as he ran his tongue over oddly pointed teeth.
‘What…’
"Vould you like to talk, Matou?" the French Champion inquired. "I am…not ze best at vords, but I do not mind listening, if you vish.” She paused, her silver gaze noting his rather…unstable condition. “I am...not unaware of ze difficulties of suppressing ze influence of another. It might be zat I could ‘elp."
To Matou Shinji, the unexpected offer was like a rope being thrown to a drowning man, or water being offered to a man dying of thirst in a desert. And so he was tempted – sorely tempted – to invite Lestrange into his room, to speak of his troubles and see what she had to say...to spend time with the alluring beauty who had come just as Luna had left. Yes…if one had vanished, why not replace that with another, one that was older and more beautiful, who could fit into the moonlight perfectly, why not…
The boy grimaced as he forced those thoughts – those terrible thoughts away. Instead, he imagined he should apologize for beating her in the finals, even though he knew she wouldn't accept such a thing.
'She has her pride, after all...'
He knew that better than most, but though sometimes he found it easy to understand her, as she acted much like he expected a magus to, there were aspects to her that confused him, that were a puzzle, if an exciting one.
'...much in the way that Luna is.'
She felt much the same to him…which was why he knew that his girlfriend would probably not be happy if she came back to find him with Lestrange, however innocent the occasion might be. Especially since she was already cross with him.
"I...” he began, shaking his head. “I appreciate the offer, but..."
"Non, I understand, Matou," the petite blonde said solemnly. "You vill 'ave to make do alone zen." With that, she turned to go, the door just about closing behind her when...
"Wait!" Shinji called after her.
"Oui?" She asked, pausing in mid-step, but not turning around.
"If you want to help, do you think if you could see if the ah...Japanese Champion is around?" he inquired, not knowing if Lestrange would actually agree. It was a long shot at best, since Sajyou Ayaka was the World Champion at present, and as such was no doubt being bombarded by all sorts of offers of wealth, power and the like, if she agreed to consult on a project, move to another nation, or whatnot. Certainly, the press would be interested in hearing from her about her thoughts on all manner of things, because important people were asked their opinions, no matter how involved they were.
'I hope she doesn't say anything that will get me into trouble with Britain...'
"Zat I vill not do," Lestrange replied. "If you vish for my aid, I offer to listen, or talk. No more. I ‘ave other business, Matou.”
“…right,” the boy whispered, his shoulders slumping. “Sorry.”
“If you do vish to speak with another, ze French journalist – Sophie – vishes to speak with you. Gabrielle also vishes to congratulate...le chevalier dragon."
"...the Dragon-Knight?" Shinji parsed out, blinking. It wouldn’t be the first time someone from France had thought of him as a knight, but, a dragon…?
"It is...fitting, non? For ze knight who killed ze monster...while in the guise of a dragon?"
"...everyone knows I killed Stukov, huh?" he asked bitterly.
"Oui. Zey believe you are un...animagus,” Rachelle explained, with Shinji’s mood souring even more at that. “Ou un...maledictus?"
"A…maledictus?" Shinji echoed. He didn’t recall learning of such a thing from his studies, though if he was being honest, he knew that his knowledge base was woefully limited, as patched together as it was from British teachings, with a leavening of the Eastern arts. Given the “mal” at the beginning of the word, it probably was something about a curse, but beyond that… “Is that…someone who bears some kind of curse?” he asked.
"Oui. Ze carrier of a curse of blood, destined to become a beast..." She paused, shaking her head. "Ze Russian potions instructor has brought up ze tale of Makar Zolgen, the one called Master of Wyrms. It is vat Stukov called you, yes?"
"...that's not me! I'm not Makar Zolgen," Shinji groused in disgust. "I'm not even his grandson anymore, not after he disowned me!"
"You are the heir of Zolgen then?" Lestrange observed.
"...no,” the boy said, denying her words. “Didn’t I just say that he disowned me? Besides, he’s dead anyway, as is the rest of the family so…”
But Shinji’s words guttered out abruptly. He supposed that if he had not actually been struck from the family register, then legally he would be the heir of the Matou family…and thus of Zolgen.
‘Ha. The irony of it…that in exiling me, grandfather might…actually have made me heir, as I am the last one standing.’
The absurdity of that thought made him want to laugh out loud, that after so much pain, perhaps he had stumbled into the position of being the Matou heir not because of what he’d done, but because of what he hadn’t done for the family.
…well, leaving aside the issue that he was legally dead of course.
‘That…is probably another can of worms.’
After all, if he had been reported dead, and the Matou family extinct, what had become of their assets – especially the more…liquid assets the Archmagus had saved up, as the family had not been exactly poor before its demise. Did it go to Tohsaka, as the Second Owner of Fuyuki? Did it go to his mother’s relatives, whoever they were?
...or had it been claimed by the government?
'...I guess I should probably ask Kaiduka about that sometime, shouldn't I?'
He probably should, but...that was something for later. For now, he had to make up his mind on whether to talk with one of the people Lestrange had suggested, or…to be alone.
For a moment, the boy hesitated, though the moment seemed to stretch on into eternity.
At last though, he shook his head, his features flickering from mammalian to reptilian and back again as he did.
"Perhaps later," he added, realizing that she couldn't see him with her back turned. He didn't really trust himself in his current state. "I..." he hesitated. "I don't really want to let Gabrielle see me like this," he explained. It would be a terrible thing if the young girl were to get nightmares because of him. "And as for the press..." he trailed off, not knowing what to say.
"You are not...good vith people."
"...if by people, you mean the press, then yes," he admitted. "I was bad enough when I didn't have...all this happening to me,” he reasoned. “Britain already thinks I'm a monster – I'd rather the rest of the world didn't come to agree."
Silence hung between them for a moment, taut and heavy, before Lestrange broke it.
"You are not un monstre," she corrected softly, finally turning to glance at the boy, an odd emotion in her silver gaze. "You are un chevalier." And almost as an afterthought, she added something else. "...et mon ami gênante."
"Hm?" the boy asked, not having caught those last few words, as they'd been murmured more than said. "What was that?"
"Nothing of importance," the French Champion replied. "I vill leave you to your solitude. May you...feel better."
And with that, she walked off, no doubt to take care of some other pressing business, leaving Matou Shinji alone with his thoughts – which, it had to be said, did not make for particularly good company, given that he watched her go, part of his mind found itself appreciating the sway of her hips, the smoothness of her exposed skin, the fluid grace of her stride, the curves of her slender form, and he wondered what her legs would feel like wr—
'What am I doing?' the boy asked himself as he wrenched his gaze away from her retreating form, only to freeze as he realized he had been licking his lips...and that his gaze seemed sharper, his fingers more claw-like...as he'd wanted to chase after her, push her down and... '...maybe I do have a problem...' he admitted. This...this wasn't like him to think about doing something like that, something so...aggressive. Not that he should be thinking about doing those sorts of things with Lestrange anyway, since he had Luna.
...or did he?
His girlfriend – lover – had been...angry at him, with the words she'd said shocking him so much he hadn't been able to respond. She'd always been there, always supported him, so had it been so wrong to assume that she would continue to do so? That things wouldn't - couldn't - change?
'...maybe,' he admitted to himself.
It wasn't as if he hadn't changed over the years. For better, he thought, though he was sure that short-sighted people like Harry, who had let himself become a tool of the Ministry, would disagree.
'...we've all changed.'
And it had happened so gradually Shinji hadn't really thought about it - had the chance to think about it - until now. Save for a few minor incidents, his full attention had been focused on Sokaris, after all, given that the goal of being worthy to stand at her side seemed just as far away today as she had when he'd first learned who she truly was.
'Change, huh...' he asked himself as he looked down as his clawed arm, willing it to return to smooth flesh, with something seeming to resist for a moment before it did. ‘Everything has…’
He shook his head, falling into contemplation once again as the darkness within his mind ensnared him, drew him closer, ever closer to an event horizon, a boundary beyond which he could not return, as one moment stretched into two, two into four, four into eight, eight into sixteen, sixteen into thirty two, and so on, and so on, closer, and closer to infinity.
Lost in the dark spiral of his thoughts, Matou Shinji didn't notice when Luna returned, alighting on the balcony of the room soundlessly. He didn't notice as she walked over to him and sat down on the floor beside him. Nor did he notice when she called his name, or poked him, or anything else at all, until she began to hum a curious melody, one that resonated with something inside him, a coolness like bubbles borne on a river stream that brought him back to awareness.
'Sono te ga hiraku asu wa', he found himself thinking as Luna's voice shaped those very words, and the pendant about her neck glowed with an unearthly blue light, one that led him out of the darkness, back to the present.
Almost as if remembering he was a living thing, not a statue, the boy began to move, blinking slowly as he came to recognize his surroundings.
"L-Luna?" he asked, as if he wasn't entirely certain.
The petite blonde - his lover - nodded.
"...I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "I'm sorry for not...for not thinking. For not thinking of you," he added, his body trembling. "I'm sorry..."
Luna was silent as the boy said this, the light from her pendant fading away.
"Luna..."
She wasn't saying anything.
Why wasn't she saying anything?
"Just remember this next time," the girl said lightly. "This time, you came back at least." She paused. "That is something, whatever else you did or didn't do."
"I...Luna, I promise that--"
"Don't make a promise if you know you won't keep it," she interrupted, with there being something utterly melancholic in her expression.
“I…” he began again, only for Luna to speak once more.
“There’s something else I should say,” she added. “Sajyou-san and her mentor wanted to know if you could join them for dinner."
"I see," the boy responded, a sigh escaping his lips, as he’d been expecting something else. . "I guess that would be helpful, given..." He shook his head, recalling the various legalities and complication regarding his participation in the Championship and such - especially now that he was something of a public figure. Well, more of one anyway, though he'd never really cared about the fame or fortune that being Champion could allegedly give him, so long as he could do well enough in the eyes of Sokaris.
'Do your best...' was what she'd told him, and he'd done his best not to disappoint. Though he had disappointed someone...Luna, because he hadn't done his best by her.
...and really, if he thought about it, he really, really hadn't.
Even now, he'd apparently become so lost in his thoughts that the very world had fallen away, and all that had saved him was the vestiges of some ancient mystery. Something powerful and subtle enough to find him in the darkness, and lift his mind out of the eddies and spiral it had gotten trapped within, had
had restored his form to one that was more human, at least temporarily.
‘And there’s that song…’
The song he knew somehow, which he thought had come from his mother, but…had it?
"Actually," he noted, looking closely at his girlfriend and the concern so clearly written on her face. "What do you think? Should I go? And if so, can you make it?"
"Why would you go?" she asked reasonably.
"Because it would be a good thing to discuss some of the aftermath of the Championship with them," Shinji pointed out, "especially since I'm not a British citizen, and I don't know how that will affect things. I...I didn't win, obviously. I lost the Book of Potions. I've said things..." Things that those arseholes deserve..." Things that could get me in trouble. Things that..." He paused, hesitating. "...it's not actually treason if I was never loyal to Britain to begin with, is it?"
"No, but there are other crimes," Luna murmured. “Other things. Other levers.”
"...of that I'm all too aware," Shinji grumbled, shaking his head. "I've...let's just say people have talked to me about that."
"But...?"
"I think I should talk to Kaiduka all the same, since I know he's on my side - as much as anyone in power is," he reasoned. "I'm...I'm in over my head when it comes to that, and I'm not sure if Master will tell me much. Like..." he paused again, recalling the events of this morning. "...the Americans want to buy the rights to the Potion of All Potential from me. They made what I think is a pretty generous offer too, but I'm not sure..."
"Oh?"
"I mean, what I'm wearing now - the reason I was able to get as far as I did was because of the Americans," he explained. "And so given that, and how polite their representative was, I feel like I should sell it. Because I don't trust Britain with it, and I don't want them to use it - to use something I made - as a weapon in their wars." He shook his head. "I...I don't know...I could be wrong. I could just be thinking things are worse than they are. It could be that Potter hasn't betrayed me for power, that the Ministry actually means well, that..." But his lips set in a grim line. "But then I remember how they declared how the Hufflepuffs who tried to murder Fleur as heroes, and I can't help but think of them all as monsters. As the very worst sort of villains. And...I'm afraid."
There was a reason he passed the ring of Saint Quartz and his samples of Thaumatagoria to his former master to deliver to Sokaris, after all.
"I don't know...what do you think, Luna?"
"I think we should go and see what Lord Kaiduka has to say," she replied, shaking her head. “We’ll talk about…us later, when you are…yourself again.”
"...thank you."
Choice 472: Shinji discusses his current state candidly, mentioning how he hasn't been the same since...awakening after fighting the Russian. Kaiduka, with some concern, offers to examine him, finding that the boy is indeed, not fully human - that his nature is in a state of flux.
"But then, a look at your skin could have revealed that much," the kitsune stated. "There is much less of your body and soul than there once was, with something else filling in the gaps. A sliver of something ancient and exceedingly dangerous."
"A dragon," Sajyou Ayaka interjected.
"Quite so," Kaiduka acknowledged. "I would offer to remove the sliver, but doing so would cause the unraveling of your existence, as that fragment is tied to what remains of you, with both pieces wrapped around the heart of an earth elemental."
"...what does that even mean?"
"It means that your existence is closer to that of a youkai than a human. That the powers you may access may be proportionally greater, but that you may not be able to function as well in the realm of man."
"What." Shinji felt lost. "I...what...I'm not human?"
"As one of those who practiced witchcraft, you were ultimately a child of twilight, neither one of those who live under the sun, nor one of those walk with death under the pale moonlight," the kitsune stated. "Fundamentally, nothing has changed except that the truth of your nature has become more...pronounced - the truth that you are a being caught in between past and present, what was and what is. Matou, what is it you wish assistance with?"
"...having more control," the boy replied. "Being able to not just change like this. With..."
"With the signs of your clear inhumanity written clearly on your face."
"...more or less, yes," the boy admitted. "I don't want people to look at me as if I'm a monster. Or..." He glanced at Luna. "Or to hurt people I care about if I just lose control."
"What has been the worst part?"
"...the rage. The...passion..." he settled on, shuddering as he recalled how good it felt to give in, to sink into the darkness. "It promises such power if I only abandon my restraint but..." He shook his head. "Without restraint, what am I?"
"...that is a good question, Matou Shinji, and one I believe my apprentice knows well, given her own struggles."
Shinji glanced over at Ayaka, who merely nodded.
"I will instruct you in some meditations while we are on the island for you to practice on your own. And I believe my Master will arrange for a more permanent tutor for you, after we leave."
"Most generous, thank you," Shinji said, bowing.
What else does he ask about? (choose two)
[ ] Legal things like the pending POAP deal
[ ] What Kaiduka expects to happen after the Championship
[ ] There was a word in his memory...something that evokes disgust and hate for some reason. Filth. What is it?
[ ] The Championship and Kaiduka and Yamato's take on his actions
[ ] The British..situation, and what he thinks might happen
[ ] (write-in)
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Originally Posted by Malorius
