Fly free.
Fly free.
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Last edited by Gl❀w; February 6th, 2021 at 12:10 AM.
oh my god I'm so bad
how the hell was I reading Reines as a manservant that came with the title
Originally Posted by asterism42
I....what?
Yes, I know.
How the hell did that happen?
I like how the Reines and Luvia parallel is being played for a type of discomfort Waver finds in both of them as people that isn't strangely Freudian or anything like that. Instead, it seems to be a commentary on how even in different factions that Reines and Luvia are both engaged in a kind of involvement in political posturing that Waver does not know how to relate to in the same way. In that way, this reads like the set-up to a political drama as well as an interpersonal one. Reines's tone amuses me because she seems like the kind of person who has rehearsed a certain interaction in her head, scripted it out, and rather than getting frustrated when Waver fails to say his line, she just continues on as if he did so as to continue her little power play. Looking forward to seeing how that works out for her.
Last edited by Prix with a Silent X; February 2nd, 2016 at 05:41 PM.
Imagine that the world is made out of love. Now imagine that it isn’t.
Imagine a story where everything goes wrong, where everyone has their back against the wall, where everyone is in pain and acting selfishly because if they don’t, they’ll die.
Imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.
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Spoiler:
Yes! Waver is really too bourgeois to be blue collar and too blue collar to be bourgeois. So he kind of has a certain sensitivity to picking up habitual trends of all these aristocratic types. Also, I'm glad you mentioned political drama because that certainly is a place I want to take this. But I will keep the details of that close to my chest lest it spoil the fun.
You know, this is hilarious to me because I wasn't thinking of it that way at the time, but you're completely right. This is exactly what's happening. When Waver goes off script, Reines is just like, "Excuse me, I am in the middle of a conversation here, no questions please."Reines's tone amuses me because she seems like the kind of person who has rehearsed a certain interaction in her head, scripted it out, and rather than getting frustrated when Waver fails to say his line, she just continues on as if he did so as to continue her little power play. Looking forward to seeing how that works out for her.
I like how all this situation make waver think about his life.
All be say the political drama in this one looks interesting.
Now wait for the next chapter.
Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
Some things I spotted:
Prologue I
Had started and did.It started, somehow, with a suggestion, as most things do.
"these" seems superfluous.He knew very well that these lofty blue-blood mage families
Incorrect sentence structure.He remembered Reines mentioning once, about Kayneth’s engagement.
"He remembered Reines telling of how Kayneth had gotten engaged."
could use another space before the -It was sound in theory- everyone trying to increase their magical potential
Also, it's not their magical potential. It's the potential of their bloodline, which is something different.
This bit seems off - maybe something like "Yes, this way was best." or the like.Yes, he’d determined.
You've got X and Y and Z. The usual way of structuring this is to write X,Y, and Z.He’d mail it over and the task would be done and he would spare both himself and her the experience of pretending they in any way cared about each other
Bit of a run-on sentence problem, too.
I'd suggest "He'd mail it over and be done with it. That way, he could spare himself and her the experience...."
The "of course" doesn't serve much of a purpose in the sentence, and it's unclear what "Old European-cut" diamond means. It's explained in the second part of the prologue, but if Waver doesn't know what it looks like I don't see why he'd remember its cut.The smaller box, of course, contained a ring bearing an Old European-cut diamond personally selected by Reines
had spentWaver spent very little time looking at it;
the optionshe certainly would have option and forewarning to call off the whole matter
I'd also make it "forewarning enough" and "to be able to call off"
Seems a bit clunky to refer to the terms and conditions this way, but otherwise the previous sentence drags on.The terms outlined the political and financial expectations between the two families once the deed was done.
I'd remove the "potential", and the ellipsis.A not-insignificant part of Waver’s gut hoped his potential bride-to-be would take as long as she wanted….and longer.
Also, I suggest making it "and longer besides."
Just because he'd been given the choice of agreeing - or refusing - didn't mean he'd have sought it out on his own.Just because one has the option of agreeing-or refusing- doesn’t mean he would have sought it out on his own.
It's passive-aggressiveness, I think.Waver knew there was some passive-aggression in this act, marrying off a third generation mage such as himself into a centuries old family.
Could make that "even worse affiliations", if you so wished.decided there were worse matches and worse affiliations
This is pretty good so far. I suppose there's a bit too much you're telling that you could've shown, but I'm by no means a good writer myself, so I can't help much with that.
Prologue II
Her finger? I'd have thought she'd used her fingernail.She slid her finger underneath the seal
This sentence could use a verb, IMO. "escaped her" or the like.A quiet huff of laughter.
She herself had not initiated...Although she had not herself initiated these talks
The word "pretty" clashes with the more formal language used so far. I think something like "relatively" would fit better in the context.it seemed like a pretty standard formal agreement.
From the moment the negotiations had neared completion she'd anticipated this was coming.When negotiations were nearing completion, she had anticipated that this was coming.
Heh.What a ninny, she thought.
its authencity and specifications.She would reserve her excitement until she confirmed authenticity and specifications.
With one hand, she grasped the tiny box, while....One hand remained grasping the tiny box while the other picked up the letter and various enclosures.
Repeating "loupe" breaks the flow somewhat. Make this something like "Then...", maybe?The loupe retrieved
You use -- here, but in other parts you use -.She'd have preferred VVS1, of course-- fewer inclusions meant better energy flow all around, even if you weren't using it as a functional magecraft gem-- but she supposed you can't have everything.
Also, can't -> couldn't.
were takingApparently they took this offer very seriously.
If he'd takenIf he took the time to write it, she may as well give him a chance to state his own case before she decided to call off the match and waste months of back-and-forth correspondences.
she might as well
He doesn't seem to have noticed. Poor Luvia.spritzed it tauntingly with perfume,
Echoing what HGGP said. You could maybe add a bit more during the description and inspection of the diamond to make it clearer she's doing it to distract her from the fact she'd be getting married. That's the feeling I got about it, at least.
Chapter One:
"the nature of the overlaps" is awkward phrasing. I'd rephrase it to "how the basic foundational magics and the miracles cited in the Church’s Holy Scripture overlapped".the nature of the overlaps between basic foundational magics and the miracles cited in the Church’s Holy Scripture
"the woman" seems superfluous. "to her left hand" is what I'd make it.His eyes darted to the woman’s left hand where the excessively large ring winked in the afternoon sunlight.
You've really captured the essence of Luvia here.A peal of grating laughter erupted from her, her delicate hand reaching to cover her mouth.
I've always been told not to use () when writing stories, so this could be rewritten.“Oh, my dear Lord El-Melloi,” she cooed. (“The Second,” he grumbled correctively.)
"Oh, my dear Lord El-Melloi," she cooed, ignoring his instinctive correction that he was the second head.
This is a nice little callback to Luvia wondering if he or the El-Melloi legal team had written the terms. You're pretty good at that kind of thing.He thought he’d been impressively thorough.
"These" is unnecessary, IMO.he’d been sure that these old families would want to go through the hard copy
Master Velvet? Seems odd to refer to him that way. I'd expect Professor Velvet, since she was his student.“Oh, you can’t be serious, Master Velvet,”
Before this whole affair began, she'd thought....When this whole affair began, she’d rather thought she’d be married to one of the Archisorte cousins, or perhaps one of the various Archibald remnants.
Might even help.may even help delay the eventual deterioration process of centuries-old magic circuits
They'd grown upThey grew up in the same circles
Chapter Two
Hooray for symbolism!All it takes is a little water and a little attention.
a while since he'd last been here.It had been awhile since he was last in this place.
This seems a little too self-aggrandizing for Waver.Everyone knew that Waver Velvet was some kind of exceptional deviation from an otherwise hard-and-fast rule. Everyone knew that where these things were concerned, Waver Velvet simply didn’t count.
I don't quite get this reference.“And blame it on Guilder, I assume,”
You make this particular error a lot. It's its own multiple form, "researches" is as far as I know incorrect.the notion of offing your spouse to steal their personal researches wasn’t entirely unheard of in mage society.
I see you're incorporating Case Files here.“Certainly you do seem to be in love with magecraft. In a way you could even call yourself an investigator of magecraft. But if you really knew magecraft, you would understand that all you are doing is destroying it."
Out of curiosity, can you read moonrunes, or do you read along with the translations like the rest of us plebs?
If it's the first, you'll have to dance around possible spoilers for those who can't read Japanese. Well, "have to" - it'd be appreciated.
had reverbatedIt was a statement that reverberated around in his mind over the years.
You have a new line where there shouldn't be one.tapping her finger to her cheek as though contemplating
thoughtfully.
To summarize thus far: this isn't something I'd thought I'd be interested in, but so far I actually am. Good work.
I wonder if other members of Luvia's family will show up, though, instead of being mentioned in passing.
Holy crap, you're impressively thorough! Want to be my beta?
Most of those are deliberate style choices for voice effect, but I see there were a few errors that weren't intended that I'll go back and fix.
A couple specific things:
The Master Velvet note: I went back and forth on this in my head, but "Master" is actually used in one of his nicknames ("Master V") so I went with it in the end. I don't think Luvia would actually use something so informal and familiar, but I think she wouldn't mind using the general idea of it to be cheeky.
The self-aggrandizement: Actually, it's intended to be self-deprecating. Waver knows his place these days. It's more a point of how Reines probably isn't making a point with this, because he's not the sort of person they'd be trying to help out in the first place. Their faction helps out talented youngsters, not ones who are barely capable of magecraft.
Guilder: Princess Bride reference. I recommend watching the whole film, but this clip should do it. Waver's about the right age that this movie would have been something he'd have seen and probably enjoyed growing up, before his parents died and he sold his soul to attend Clock Tower.
Symbolism: Yay! Someone noticed!!
Well, it's kind of a distinctive cut, and Waver makes it his business to know a ton of things about magecraft that have nothing to do with him. I think he'd recognize it on those grounds alone. But your point is taken. I'll think about it.It's explained in the second part of the prologue, but if Waver doesn't know what it looks like I don't see why he'd remember its cut.
I do read the translations, yeah. Right now I've just read what's translated here on BL, the full-story summary someone posted here, and poking around to find out what I can regarding worldbuilding information from the second installment. I'm trying to only pull out the information necessary to the story, and I will keep in mind to make it as non-spoilery as I can for the people who haven't read what's out there.I see you're incorporating Case Files here.
Out of curiosity, can you read moonrunes, or do you read along with the translations like the rest of us plebs?
If it's the first, you'll have to dance around possible spoilers for those who can't read Japanese. Well, "have to" - it'd be appreciated.
Considering the fine toothed comb you just used on me, I'll take this as high praise, haha. Yes, you'll get to meet at least one other member of Luvia's family starting next chapter. Thanks for taking the time to give feedback. I wasn't kidding about that beta thing, if you're interested let me know.To summarize thus far: this isn't something I'd thought I'd be interested in, but so far I actually am. Good work.
I wonder if other members of Luvia's family will show up, though, instead of being mentioned in passing.
Well, in my opinion, a beta is more someone who also points out "mistakes" or the like in pacing, characterization, the plot in general, that kind of thing. Not having written much, let alone published, I don't think I can offer much advice in those areas. Not to mention my knowledge of what's canon and what's not is rather lacking.
If you want me to nitpick my way through what you've written or will write, though, sure. It'd be my pleasure.
I already have someone who does most of that other stuff, but unless it's something egregious, grammar slips through the cracks. I think she also knows too much about what I'm going for at this point to pick up on what might seem strange other people. Extra technical feedback is always helpful.
What would be the best way to send you documents/content?
PMs, I suppose? I know writers on other fora use groups to crowdsource their beta work, but it seems those are mainly used as fan clubs here.
Good lord, being Waver is indeed full of suffering! I like where this is going so far.
If I'm an unknown being, then the way I can change is unknown, too…
So all I have to do… is make them not-unknown.
- Teddie, Perona 4
Spoiler:
Poor Waver just can't catch a break, ever.
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Last edited by Gl❀w; February 6th, 2021 at 12:11 AM.
Is this a reference to The Princess Bride?
Damn, the politics and intrigue is thickening!
It definitely is, yes!
The ride has only just begun ; )Damn, the politics and intrigue is thickening!
Last edited by Gl❀w; February 8th, 2016 at 12:03 AM.
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