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Thread: Miscellaneous Fanfiction Writing Thread (Solicit Advice Here)

  1. #1481
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    In general it's better to keep consistent. If you have a 1st person narrative and then a 3rd person flashback, it can be done, but the change of doing flashbacks is already going to be a shift, so you're better off if you can to keep it one way. Doing multiple perspective changes is more and more confusing to a reader.

  2. #1482
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    In general it's better to keep consistent. If you have a 1st person narrative and then a 3rd person flashback, it can be done, but the change of doing flashbacks is already going to be a shift, so you're better off if you can to keep it one way. Doing multiple perspective changes is more and more confusing to a reader.
    The funny thing is that (at least according to a certain in-depth review I read), Fate/Stay Night itself is prone to some pretty abrupt and jarring 1st to 3rd person perspective shifts.

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  4. #1484
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Perspective shifting in Japanese is not the same as perspective shifting in English.
    That's true. The issue lies mainly with translation, which is obviously not the fault of the original writer.

  5. #1485
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    Also, while I don't know whatever review is talking about, some of the "jarring" perspective changes are deliberately done so you know who it is, since scenes like Answer flip back and forth between Shirou and Archer a lot to make a point.

  6. #1486
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Also, while I don't know whatever review is talking about, some of the "jarring" perspective changes are deliberately done so you know who it is, since scenes like Answer flip back and forth between Shirou and Archer a lot to make a point.
    I was referring to Act's Let's Play over on Dragon Quill, in case you're curious. I'd have to look harder for a specific example of what's being discussed, though.

  7. #1487
    Salt Manju Vacha's Avatar
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    Ah, I'll keep that in mind then.
    Different language can do more in narrative other than nuances eh? Interesting.
    Kentucky Fried Kirei, nah i'm joking. Nothin here

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    Quote Originally Posted by Imperial View Post
    'kay
    You jest?:3

    Even ▆▆ end up on that place again

    The special hell on hill full of swords ---------------------------------------------------------The hill of bloody battlefield

  8. #1488
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    English is a language Frankenstein. Many other languages have a more cohesive structure. And other tenses, perspectives, conjugations, and the like, which lead to flowing better.

  9. #1489
    Queen of Love and Beauty GhostDIGIT's Avatar
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    Wrote some more and fixed the first couple of paragraphs up a bit to give more details.
    Spoiler:
    Rain poured heavily onto the world outside the Catholic funeral home. Inside, Raul Camilo and his surrogate brother, Drake Rowan, were attending the private funeral of Raul’s mother, Cassandra Camilo. She had perished three brief days ago during the late night just after she had come home from attending to “business” overseas, and was found dead by a distraught Raul in the early morning afterwards. The funeral was hastened at his behest, so the wake and liturgy would both be held on the same day. By the will of the deceased, her remains would be cremated in the event of her death and her ashes would be committed at whatever time Raul found appropriate to part with them.

    The room they were in was large, yet sparsely decorated with only several benches lying parallel to one another and the common figure of Jesus Christ on the cross that hung from a wall. Besides the poor seating and bland crucifix, there was a contrasting grand altar supporting an open mahogany casket that prevented the chapel from perfecting the cheap, empty mood it gave off. If Cassandra was still alive she’d laugh at how excessive both of them were, especially the casket. There was no need to spend so much on something you’d be burning or burying even if it was to supposedly honor someone you loved.

    Seated in the front row on one of the wooden pews that furnished the almost desolate chapel, Raul stared up towards the open casket in shock at the slack, dead face of the woman that had been his mother for over sixteen years. The morbid sight made his stomach churn and his heart ache immensely. Besides his runaway father, Cassandra had been the only real blood family he had left ever since the death of his beloved grandfather, Agustin Camilo, three years ago. His passing had caused a young Raul to go through an intense nervous breakdown. It was a horrific incident that left him unstable for several months, which left psychological damage he never really recovered from.

    A loud slam resounding from Raul’s left snapped him out of his daze. He turned to see a frowning old man dressed in full priest garb, much like the outfit Drake was wearing, complete with a recently closed bible in hand. He stood upright proudly in the middle of the pathway leading to the altar. The priest’s name was Edwin Rowan and he was many things: Drake’s adoptive father, the caretaker of orphan children, ironically, Raul and Cassandra’s godfather; and the church’s local overseer.

    “You didn’t listen to the liturgy I performed just now whatsoever, did you?” He questioned with disappointment dripping from his tone of voice.

    With that, Raul let out an annoyed sigh and pulled back the left sleeve of his black suit to reveal the glowing green lines that covered the entirety of his left arm. It was his family’s prized crest that had been passed down for generations from the family head to their favored child. In his case, it had been passed from his long dead brother, Cruz Camilo, to his four-year-old self. Cassandra had transplanted the crest from herself to Cruz shortly after his birth ten years before Raul was born. Its purpose was to store the knowledge and research of magic that the Camilo family heads had accumulated for over several centuries. To clergymen like Edwin it was the symbol of a heretic, a fact that Raul liked to remind the man whenever he tried to preach his beliefs to him and when he’d foolishly forget what he was.

    “Hmph.” The old man let out childishly. He then turned his attention away from the somber Raul and gazed solemnly towards his fallen goddaughter. “It’s time,” Edwin said, “say your final farewells while you still can.”

    Raul parted his lips but no words escaped them. He opened them again only to falter a second time. The lingering pain in his chest would grow to silence every attempt.

    “Goodbye, Cassandra.” Drake spoke aloud softly from the pew parallel to his. “I didn’t really know you personally but you meant a lot to two people close to me.”

    “And you Raul?” Edwin asked.

    Raul responded ashamedly with a grim shake of his head.

    “So be it,” the priest sighed, “let us carry our dear Cassandra to the crematorium to honor her last will and testament.”

    The two young men quickly stood up and together, with their shared spiritual father, walked up the small steps up the funeral alter. Drake would take the left end of the casket, Edwin would support the center, and Raul would take the right.

    “A shame Maxwell and Jacob couldn’t be here to act as pallbearers.” Drake bemoaned. “Those two muscle heads would’ve really helped lighten the load up a bit.”

    “And leave sweet sister Maria to take care of all the children on her lonesome?” Edwin asked. The children were already enough of a handful when all five of the clergymen could spare enough time to babysit them. The hell that awaited one foolish or unfortunate enough to take care of all of them at once had no end.

    “Sweet isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of that harsh voice and ever-present sneer.”

    The old man let out a disappointed sigh. “You really haven’t learned anything about people in the past three years you’ve been away.“

    “What does that have to do with any-“

    The sound of someone audibly clearing their throat stopped Drake from finishing his sentence. Both clergymen tore their attention away from one another and turned their heads toward the right side of the altar. There an annoyed Raul glared angrily back at them.

    “U-um,” Drake stuttered nervously.

    An upraised hand from Raul stopped him from continuing. The young man then cast his gaze downward toward Cassandra’s resting face and his glare quickly turned back into a mournful stare. With a weary sigh, he hardened his heart, laid a heavy hand on top of the casket lid, and slammed the lid shut. The resounding noise it made was loud enough to cause the two clergymen to wince.

    “…Well then,” Edwin spoke aloud, “let’s get moving shall we?”

    Both young men nodded and carefully lifted up their respective ends of the casket.

    “Hmm,” the old priest hummed thoughtfully while examining the coffin, “can you two carry that on your own?”

    “You’re joking, right?” An irritated Drake scoffed. “This thing weighs, like, two hundred pounds not counting the body inside it.”

    “I thought the both of you were trained to be strong enough to handle more than a simple wooden coffin.”

    “Punching power is not relative to lifting strength!”
    Spoiler:
    The Best Thing BlackBlade's Ever Said.
    Quote Originally Posted by black1blade View Post
    Just watch KNK, read fate and tsuki then just never bother with another nasu thing again but continue to use BL regardless.

    Dullahan's Writing Genius
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    I hope you love purple prose, pretentious dialogue and oblique references to Hegelian philosophy too motherfucker 'cause that's what's up

  10. #1490
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GhostDIGIT View Post
    Wrote some more and fixed the first couple of paragraphs up a bit to give more details.
    Spoiler:
    Rain poured heavily onto the world outside the Catholic funeral home. Inside, Raul Camilo and his surrogate brother, Drake Rowan, were attending the private funeral of Raul’s mother, Cassandra Camilo. She had perished three brief days ago during the late night just after she had come home from attending to “business” overseas, and was found dead by a distraught Raul in the early morning afterwards. The funeral was hastened at his behest, so the wake and liturgy would both be held on the same day. By the will of the deceased, her remains would be cremated in the event of her death and her ashes would be committed at whatever time Raul found appropriate to part with them.

    The room they were in was large, yet sparsely decorated with only several benches lying parallel to one another and the common figure of Jesus Christ on the cross that hung from a wall. Besides the poor seating and bland crucifix, there was a contrasting grand altar supporting an open mahogany casket that prevented the chapel from perfecting the cheap, empty mood it gave off. If Cassandra was still alive she’d laugh at how excessive both of them were, especially the casket. There was no need to spend so much on something you’d be burning or burying even if it was to supposedly honor someone you loved.

    Seated in the front row on one of the wooden pews that furnished the almost desolate chapel, Raul stared up towards the open casket in shock at the slack, dead face of the woman that had been his mother for over sixteen years. The morbid sight made his stomach churn and his heart ache immensely. Besides his runaway father, Cassandra had been the only real blood family he had left ever since the death of his beloved grandfather, Agustin Camilo, three years ago. His passing had caused a young Raul to go through an intense nervous breakdown. It was a horrific incident that left him unstable for several months, which left psychological damage he never really recovered from.

    A loud slam resounding from Raul’s left snapped him out of his daze. He turned to see a frowning old man dressed in full priest garb, much like the outfit Drake was wearing, complete with a recently closed bible in hand. He stood upright proudly in the middle of the pathway leading to the altar. The priest’s name was Edwin Rowan and he was many things: Drake’s adoptive father, the caretaker of orphan children, ironically, Raul and Cassandra’s godfather; and the church’s local overseer.

    “You didn’t listen to the liturgy I performed just now whatsoever, did you?” He questioned with disappointment dripping from his tone of voice.

    With that, Raul let out an annoyed sigh and pulled back the left sleeve of his black suit to reveal the glowing green lines that covered the entirety of his left arm. It was his family’s prized crest that had been passed down for generations from the family head to their favored child. In his case, it had been passed from his long dead brother, Cruz Camilo, to his four-year-old self. Cassandra had transplanted the crest from herself to Cruz shortly after his birth ten years before Raul was born. Its purpose was to store the knowledge and research of magic that the Camilo family heads had accumulated for over several centuries. To clergymen like Edwin it was the symbol of a heretic, a fact that Raul liked to remind the man whenever he tried to preach his beliefs to him and when he’d foolishly forget what he was.

    “Hmph.” The old man let out childishly. He then turned his attention away from the somber Raul and gazed solemnly towards his fallen goddaughter. “It’s time,” Edwin said, “say your final farewells while you still can.”

    Raul parted his lips but no words escaped them. He opened them again only to falter a second time. The lingering pain in his chest would grow to silence every attempt.

    “Goodbye, Cassandra.” Drake spoke aloud softly from the pew parallel to his. “I didn’t really know you personally but you meant a lot to two people close to me.”

    “And you Raul?” Edwin asked.

    Raul responded ashamedly with a grim shake of his head.

    “So be it,” the priest sighed, “let us carry our dear Cassandra to the crematorium to honor her last will and testament.”

    The two young men quickly stood up and together, with their shared spiritual father, walked up the small steps up the funeral alter. Drake would take the left end of the casket, Edwin would support the center, and Raul would take the right.

    “A shame Maxwell and Jacob couldn’t be here to act as pallbearers.” Drake bemoaned. “Those two muscle heads would’ve really helped lighten the load up a bit.”

    “And leave sweet sister Maria to take care of all the children on her lonesome?” Edwin asked. The children were already enough of a handful when all five of the clergymen could spare enough time to babysit them. The hell that awaited one foolish or unfortunate enough to take care of all of them at once had no end.

    “Sweet isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of that harsh voice and ever-present sneer.”

    The old man let out a disappointed sigh. “You really haven’t learned anything about people in the past three years you’ve been away.“

    “What does that have to do with any-“

    The sound of someone audibly clearing their throat stopped Drake from finishing his sentence. Both clergymen tore their attention away from one another and turned their heads toward the right side of the altar. There an annoyed Raul glared angrily back at them.

    “U-um,” Drake stuttered nervously.

    An upraised hand from Raul stopped him from continuing. The young man then cast his gaze downward toward Cassandra’s resting face and his glare quickly turned back into a mournful stare. With a weary sigh, he hardened his heart, laid a heavy hand on top of the casket lid, and slammed the lid shut. The resounding noise it made was loud enough to cause the two clergymen to wince.

    “…Well then,” Edwin spoke aloud, “let’s get moving shall we?”

    Both young men nodded and carefully lifted up their respective ends of the casket.

    “Hmm,” the old priest hummed thoughtfully while examining the coffin, “can you two carry that on your own?”

    “You’re joking, right?” An irritated Drake scoffed. “This thing weighs, like, two hundred pounds not counting the body inside it.”

    “I thought the both of you were trained to be strong enough to handle more than a simple wooden coffin.”

    “Punching power is not relative to lifting strength!”
    I think you've done a good job. It's an improvement.

  11. #1491
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    I feel like you could improve the sentence variety, maybe? Some of the paragraphs are dry to read, particularly in the first half. Try mixing up the sentence length and structure more. It would improve the readability a bit.

  12. #1492
    https://youtu.be/W3KYx1WDqBw Raylen Cypher's Avatar
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    I've noticed I'm unconsciously prone to writing DC+IC sentences most of the time.
    Quotes
    Quote Originally Posted by Prix of Heroes
    A world where tragedy is the only measure by which a narrative holds value is not one I am going to live in even where the circumstances in a particular work are tragic.
    Quote Originally Posted by Snow
    If an adult themed work can have graphic slaughter and the like, it can have sex. Just do it competently if you want to go explicit.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    How dare you she's a married woman
    Quote Originally Posted by savepoints View Post
    No but why ask him to pull out right before the end tbh
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    God is dead and I'm gonna kiss all his cute girl saints
    Quote Originally Posted by castor212 View Post
    MAMA BURST
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    F/GO JP (Updated: 4/11/2019)

  13. #1493
    Queen of Love and Beauty GhostDIGIT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sesto View Post
    I feel like you could improve the sentence variety, maybe? Some of the paragraphs are dry to read, particularly in the first half. Try mixing up the sentence length and structure more. It would improve the readability a bit.
    Thanks, I'll get right on that.
    Spoiler:
    The Best Thing BlackBlade's Ever Said.
    Quote Originally Posted by black1blade View Post
    Just watch KNK, read fate and tsuki then just never bother with another nasu thing again but continue to use BL regardless.

    Dullahan's Writing Genius
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    I hope you love purple prose, pretentious dialogue and oblique references to Hegelian philosophy too motherfucker 'cause that's what's up

  14. #1494
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    It's also worth noting that you shouldn't worry too much about that passage; don't spend your time rewriting it over and over again. You can still do what I said for future paragraphs. It'd be better to get the whole thing down then start editing, otherwise you might get stuck in a loop where you spend all your time reworking a single passage and moving nowhere. It doesn't have to be perfect right now.

    Of course, I'm saying this as someone who doesn't really follow this advice at all. I have plenty of unfinished openings that I've retreaded tons of times because I'm dumb and am too worried about it being perfect. I'm just repeating advice that I've heard before. I wish I was capable of following it myself.

  15. #1495
    Salt Manju Vacha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sesto View Post
    .
    This one is a good advice and it does works. Only in my case, I had to reread to get back the groove and end up editing annnnnnddddd you know it, no progress, most of the time.
    Kentucky Fried Kirei, nah i'm joking. Nothin here

    well, told ya.


    Quote Originally Posted by Imperial View Post
    'kay
    You jest?:3

    Even ▆▆ end up on that place again

    The special hell on hill full of swords ---------------------------------------------------------The hill of bloody battlefield

  16. #1496
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors AvengerEmiya's Avatar
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    How many sex scenes does a story need to officially become smut?
    Quote Originally Posted by Andaeus View Post
    Oh, fun! How often does a story actually leave the Idea Thread?
    Fate/Grand Order Doujins That Don't Suck [Updated: 3/2]


  17. #1497
    Queen of Love and Beauty GhostDIGIT's Avatar
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    Just one.
    Spoiler:
    The Best Thing BlackBlade's Ever Said.
    Quote Originally Posted by black1blade View Post
    Just watch KNK, read fate and tsuki then just never bother with another nasu thing again but continue to use BL regardless.

    Dullahan's Writing Genius
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    I hope you love purple prose, pretentious dialogue and oblique references to Hegelian philosophy too motherfucker 'cause that's what's up

  18. #1498
    love me until I love myself Prix with a Silent X's Avatar
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    Since several of you are trying to post lemons in the next few days and I am independently working on something that brought it to mind: Thank you again to Arashi for giving me the best advice I ever got for how to write lemons without it feeling paralyzingly awkward. He said, basically, that sex fics should basically work like jokes where there's a punchline and pay-off/reversal of expectation at the end. He said it better than I just did, somewhere in this thread. I was just thinking over how what he actually said to me helped me so much with this one specific writing thing. Was drawing attention to the concept, much less elegantly, in case it would help any struggling lemon writers.
    Imagine that the world is made out of love. Now imagine that it isn’t.

    Imagine a story where everything goes wrong, where everyone has their back against the wall, where everyone is in pain and acting selfishly because if they don’t, they’ll die.
    Imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.



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    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by Snow View Post
    Let Sakura say fuck and eat junkfood you weirdos.


  19. #1499
    Salt Manju Vacha's Avatar
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    Does that mean, make it some sort of comedy scene? Not quite sure if I get the point there.
    Kentucky Fried Kirei, nah i'm joking. Nothin here

    well, told ya.


    Quote Originally Posted by Imperial View Post
    'kay
    You jest?:3

    Even ▆▆ end up on that place again

    The special hell on hill full of swords ---------------------------------------------------------The hill of bloody battlefield

  20. #1500
    love me until I love myself Prix with a Silent X's Avatar
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    No, it has to do with flow. Doesn't have to be funny.
    Imagine that the world is made out of love. Now imagine that it isn’t.

    Imagine a story where everything goes wrong, where everyone has their back against the wall, where everyone is in pain and acting selfishly because if they don’t, they’ll die.
    Imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.



    Blog of Fiction for You to Consume
    Other Links


    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by Snow View Post
    Let Sakura say fuck and eat junkfood you weirdos.


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