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Thread: Miscellaneous Fanfiction Writing Thread (Solicit Advice Here)

  1. #1761

  2. #1762
    nicht mitmachen Dullahan's Avatar
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    I should go.
    かん
    ぎゅう
    じゅう
    とう

    Expresses the exceeding size of one's library.
    Books are extremely many, loaded on an oxcart the ox will sweat.
    At home piled to the ridgepole of the house, from this meaning.
    Read out as 「Ushi ni ase shi, munagi ni mitsu.」
    Source: 柳宗元「其為書,處則充棟宇,出則汗牛馬。」— Tang Dynasty


  3. #1763
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Thanks for the help, everyone!

  4. #1764
    HOUGU! ZABAAAAANIIIIIIYA!!! TagumonYatsuray's Avatar
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    Hey everyone! I've finally found motivation to try working on my writing again, and I've encountered an issue with my scene-pacing style/format.

    It feels to me as if the gaps-in-time; or the 'jumps between locations' are either too frequent or too sudden or just strange/out-of-place in general...

    I've included an EXCERPT from my story here; since actually 'Showing' the problem is probably way more effective than just asking for advice on something no-one can see.

    But, being as the following excerpt is part of
    Calm before Storm
    the Prologue
    I'm also in the midst of trying to "Set-the-World" so to speak... I'm not sure if I'm actually doing something wrong, or if my OCD and/or Anxiety are just making me paranoid, and this kind of pacing is normal/common for early on;

    Any Feedback would be much appreciated! I've also included 'Red-Asterisks' (Like this) *******--- So I could mark where I thought it was weird or strange, like I mentioned--- for sake of reference.

    Warning: EXTREMELY Lengthy Excerpt


    “I require your knowledge and unbiased insight Tagumon, so tell me. What kinds of foreign goods would benefit Quadopolia the most?” Yoshiko asks with a serious gaze.

    I close my eyes and venture through my mind. There’s several answers I can come up with. “What I believe Quadopolia would benefit the most from...” I clear my throat, “... Are the forestial herbs located in Sylvia, as well as the fresh spring water from Marlia. The stones and minerals located in the Caenian mines would also benefit the construction of homes along with other public works,”.


    “Caenia, of course… But you are aware that it’s, not only costly… but also extremely difficult for purebred-Aelias: like ourselves; to even begin to negotiate the import of goods from there, correct?”


    “We both know that something as trivial as ‘extreme difficulty’ would never stop you from getting what the Kingdom of Quadopolia needs, Yoshiko,” I tease him about his unrivaled loyalty to the nation.


    “... Ah ha ha… I guess we do,” Yoshiko acknowledges that even though I’m teasing him about his sense of loyalty, as I usually do; There’s definitely an undeniable truth in that very same quality.

    He finally shows a smile, “Thank you for the insight, I’ll be off to my paperwork now, and thank you in advance for handling the rounds of the Kingdom in my place,”


    “Yes, keep up the good work!”


    He gives me a warm expression and bids goodbye, before proceeding down the hall outside the Dining hall.


    I make my way towards the main door to the castle. I want to get a jump-start on the rounds for Yoshiko and uphold my responsibility as Prince, it’s the least I can do since Yoshiko is constantly managing and surpassing his own responsibilities as the King.

    -------------------- *******


    The Kingdom is quite large actually… The thought of Yoshiko, personally checking in on each and every one of the citizens, seems like such a miraculous feat, when considering his free time as a King, is already minimal.

    I quickly formulate a strategy to start from the northeastern side, and progress westward, towards the fields. I start sprinting towards my target.
    -------------------- *******

    It was just past twelve in the afternoon by the time I had reached the center of the Kingdom, where many of the marketing stalls are located. At this time a day, business is usually at it’s busiest for them. But today, the square was void of customers.

    “Well, if it isn’t Prince Tagumon himself! You out doin’ a little shopping today?” In front of his kiosk, a somewhat-young male calls out to me, sporting a laid back smile, “You lookin’ for anything… specific?”

    I recognize the man. Not because of any personal knowledge, but because of his business’ renown. He’s very well known for his vegetation. “Not in particular,” I walk over to his street-shop, “I’m doing the civilian visits in place of King Yoshiko today,”

    “I see, that sounds like a hassle,” he chuckles, “As for me, business is pretty quiet today… unlike usual, but let our King know he’s doing a great job,”

    “I will, and I’m sure he thanks you for the praise. But… before I go, do you know where everyone else is?”

    “They should be in the western district… apparently there’s some huge event, I heard,” he nods, “Hey, are you sure you don’t want anything for the road?”


    ”I’ll be fine for now, but thank you anyway,” I bow before departing, “I wish for your business; the highest of sales!”

    I head for the western district immediately, checking in on the at-home citizens as I follow the path. It was only a matter of minutes when a large crowd of people came into view. *******

    There was cheering and chanting from the crowd. I had to squeeze through the people who couldn’t hear or see me, their eyes on the spectacle.

    “Nice! And there he goes!” A voice calls out as a ball flashes by over head.

    A whirlwind takes off from the corner, or base, of what appears to be a kickball field. There’s absolutely no way any average person could stop it.
    The other kids are stunned with either awe or terror as the wind itself takes each base. It’s hard to believe only three seconds went by when home plate is passed again.

    “Who-Whoa!!” The explosion of air keeps soaring right down its path, until it crashes into a wall.

    The kids stare at each other with puzzled glances, “Is he out, or safe?”

    A teenager posing as the referee stares at the field in complete confusion, “Uh… he did pass home-plate, but he never touched it.. so he’s out!”

    “That’s a load of crap!” The kid who was ‘one with the wind,’ pulls himself out of the rubble. Oh. Of course the trouble maker is none other than him.

    “If you don’t touch the base it doesn’t count,” the ref explains back to him.

    “I did touch it! I know I did!” The relentless child argues back.

    I figured this was a good opportunity to step in, before it got ugly. “You know if they can’t see you playing fair, it may as well be cheating, Blue. You’re too fast for your own good,”


    The crowd’s cheering turns to silence. Everyone’s eyes are suddenly on me.

    … And this is why I don’t even join-in on the conversations at these kinds of events. Blue on the other hand is far too blunt to care about something like being nervous.

    “Too fast for my own good? What’s that supposed to mean…?” Blue asks me, obviously confused and frustrated. “If everyone else is moving at the speeds of a brain-dead slug, that’s not my problem!”


    “Everyone else is moving normally! You’re the one moving too fast to comprehend! Their bodies aren’t trained for it.” I explain, trying to stay calm.


    “Oh… well uh… —- Oh! So that means you saw! Right, Big brother?!” He jumps with excitement, ignoring my point completely.


    “Only a bit. You slowed down just barely enough for me to see, when you reached the bases,”.


    “Ahah! So you saw me touch them!”


    “Yeah, I saw…” He’s always this way. One thing at a time. Explaining the bigger picture seems forever out of reach.


    The crowd starts muttering among themselves, saying things like, “That’s the prince…” and “He can actually see the younger one run…?”


    I clear my throat, attempting to get back to why I was here in the first place, “Hello, everyone! I’ve come here instead of my older brother, the King, to perform a satisfaction check on the citizens!” It’s still hard for me to announce things like this without trembling.


    My younger brother blurts out, “That sounds boring.”


    I turn my head to him with irritation. He gets it.


    “I meant difficult!” He corrects himself. “B-but um—! Big brother, you’ll let me help you out right?”


    “Can you handle it?”


    “Of course I can!” he assures me, “The Second Prince of Quadopolia isn’t just here for games!”


    “I’m pretty sure that’s all you’re here for…” I sigh, as he starts laughing. He knows it’s true. But for the sake of moving on, I’ll let him have his way.

    One of the kids decided to substitute in for Blue, while I went around asking people about their satisfaction. Is it really that boring…? I mean… I’m helping out, right?

    Regardless, everyone seemed to be fine. Nobody really had any complaints, so I wrote down what I could. I wish someone would give even a small complaint so—


    “Hey, uh… if you’re gonna write down everything then, I guess I should mention there’s been some problems down by the Orchard.” An older man speaks up.


    “I’ve heard about that too! My wife was down there the other day, and she said a monster came after her!”


    A monster attack is a pretty unsettling thing to hear.
    *******

    “Was it serious…? I thought I’d hear about it if there were injuries…” Blue asks,


    “Nah, she hightailed it out of there the moment it reared its head!” The man explains,


    Blue grins eagerly “Sounds exciting! It can be like an adventure for the two of us!” He grins,


    He really doesn’t get any of this does he? A monster is serious business.


    “We’ll take care of your monster problem!” Blue cheers,


    The man smiles and gives us a gracious thanks… at that point there was no turning back… so off we went…


    “Blue… you’d better take this seriously… if you get hurt, Yoshiko’s gonna be pretty mad…”


    “Oh whatever~! I only agreed to this because I wanted to go to the orchard and eat something together!” He grins.


    So that’s it… that was his master plan…?

    -------------------- *******

    We arrived at the orchard not too much long after… Blue was speed-walking the whole way, so I had to use every fiber of my body to keep up with him.


    “You really do spend everyday in those books, don’t you?”
    It may be way too long at the moment, but if it is, I can try to cut stuff out later. This is just an excerpt; and is not the whole scene.

    Context of before and after the Excerpt; In case it helps
    The entire excerpt starts a bit soon after the Prince and the Head-Maid reassure the King he is a good ruler, who is respected by his people, in the midst of eating breakfast, after waking up late and exchanging 'good-mornings'; I think that's basic Slice-of-Life stuff.

    The entire excerpt ends just after the two siblings arrive at the orchard, in order to investigate the situation they heard about.
    Again--- Any advice, feedback, or constructive-criticism is very much appreciated~!
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  5. #1765
    Presia messe noce yor tes mea TwilightsCall's Avatar
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    I'd try to give a bit more thorough advice, but I'm rather sick right now, so I apologize if this is a bit short and snappy.

    First, I would consider going through and shifting your sentences to past tense. I wouldn't say writing in present tense like you have is wrong per se, but its a very distinct stylistic choice, and if you aren't doing it intentionally as one then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all. It looks to me like you jump to past tense for description, but write any parts with dialogue in present, which is not great. Either way, I'd go through and at the very least make it consistent throughout, but my recommendation is to put the whole thing in past tense.


    When you have a quotation end at the same time as a line, you can (should) use a period to end the sentence, not a comma. Example:

    (Also incidentally, I'd break this sentence into two instead of using a comma in the middle).

    He finally shows a smile, “Thank you for the insight, I’ll be off to my paperwork now. And thank you in advance for handling the rounds of the Kingdom in my place.
    Similarly, if you throw a dialogue marker in the middle of a quote, but the quoted line isn't a single sentence, a period is also a better choice. Example:

    “They should be in the western district… apparently there’s some huge event, I heard,” he nods. “Hey, are you sure you don’t want anything for the road?”
    Also, "...when considering his free time as a King is already minimal." <--- doesn't need a comma.


    The section between your first and second asterisks should probably be merged into one of the other parts. I think it could work either way, but I would probably merge it into your first scene.


    He’s very well known for his vegetation.
    I don't really get what you mean by 'vegetation' here. If you are deliberately trying to be vague, then that's fine, there's no problem. If you just mean he sells fruits and vegetables or something like that, 'produce' might be a more appropriate word.


    I don't see anything particularly problematic at your third asterisk. I would probably say "...it was only a matter of minutes before a large crowd of people came into view," but you might get different reactions to that depending on who you ask.


    Referring to someone as "big brother" is painfully unnatural in English. I highly recommend you find another way for your characters to refer to each other.


    I don't see any issues at your fourth asterisk.


    Presuming there's an actual full scene coming up after this excerpt ends, I don't see any problem at the fifth asterisk, either.



    As for general feedback, I'd say the biggest point of advice I'd give is to just tighten up your usage of punctuation. You use commas in a lot of places you should be using periods, and you often use ellipses in places they don't belong. That's probably the biggest thing you could do to improve this excerpt from a technical stand point.

    As for your scene transitions, aside from the one I mentioned above, I don't think they seem particularly unnatural in and of themselves. Rather, I feel like what would help the most is if you slowed down and spent more time in each of your scenes. You mention a few times that you think this excerpt is really long, but I would probably expand it out and make it longer. The places you've put transitions makes sense, but there isn't all that much in the way of content between them, which is why I think you feel like they are too frequent. Especially if this is a setting-building part of the story, I'd put some effort into being more descriptive and really building something up out of each scene. I realize that's not very concrete advice, but I hope its worth something.

    That's about all I have in me to write tonight. If you have any questions or comments I'll try to clarify, but as I said I'm pretty unwell so I may be slow in replying.
    My Fanfiction - Almost entirely short stories and oneshots

  6. #1766
    HOUGU! ZABAAAAANIIIIIIYA!!! TagumonYatsuray's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TwilightsCall View Post
    I'd try to give a bit more thorough advice, but I'm rather sick right now, so I apologize if this is a bit short and snappy.

    First, I would consider going through and shifting your sentences to past tense. I wouldn't say writing in present tense like you have is wrong per se, but its a very distinct stylistic choice, and if you aren't doing it intentionally as one then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all. It looks to me like you jump to past tense for description, but write any parts with dialogue in present, which is not great. Either way, I'd go through and at the very least make it consistent throughout, but my recommendation is to put the whole thing in past tense.


    When you have a quotation end at the same time as a line, you can (should) use a period to end the sentence, not a comma. Example:

    (Also incidentally, I'd break this sentence into two instead of using a comma in the middle).

    Similarly, if you throw a dialogue marker in the middle of a quote, but the quoted line isn't a single sentence, a period is also a better choice. Example:



    Also, "...when considering his free time as a King is already minimal." <--- doesn't need a comma.


    The section between your first and second asterisks should probably be merged into one of the other parts. I think it could work either way, but I would probably merge it into your first scene.




    I don't really get what you mean by 'vegetation' here. If you are deliberately trying to be vague, then that's fine, there's no problem. If you just mean he sells fruits and vegetables or something like that, 'produce' might be a more appropriate word.


    I don't see anything particularly problematic at your third asterisk. I would probably say "...it was only a matter of minutes before a large crowd of people came into view," but you might get different reactions to that depending on who you ask.


    Referring to someone as "big brother" is painfully unnatural in English. I highly recommend you find another way for your characters to refer to each other.


    I don't see any issues at your fourth asterisk.


    Presuming there's an actual full scene coming up after this excerpt ends, I don't see any problem at the fifth asterisk, either.



    As for general feedback, I'd say the biggest point of advice I'd give is to just tighten up your usage of punctuation. You use commas in a lot of places you should be using periods, and you often use ellipses in places they don't belong. That's probably the biggest thing you could do to improve this excerpt from a technical stand point.

    As for your scene transitions, aside from the one I mentioned above, I don't think they seem particularly unnatural in and of themselves. Rather, I feel like what would help the most is if you slowed down and spent more time in each of your scenes. You mention a few times that you think this excerpt is really long, but I would probably expand it out and make it longer. The places you've put transitions makes sense, but there isn't all that much in the way of content between them, which is why I think you feel like they are too frequent. Especially if this is a setting-building part of the story, I'd put some effort into being more descriptive and really building something up out of each scene. I realize that's not very concrete advice, but I hope its worth something.

    That's about all I have in me to write tonight. If you have any questions or comments I'll try to clarify, but as I said I'm pretty unwell so I may be slow in replying.
    Oh my gosh! Wow! Thank you so much! I’ll be sure to take this into account as I revise it!!! I hope you feel better soon!
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  7. #1767
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    What's a correct and appropriate way to describe the colour of the skin of a person from an unspecified Middle-Eastern ethnicity? Bronze-skinned? Olive-skinned? Dark-skinned? None of the above?

  8. #1768
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    Bronze or olive I think is fair if you're careful with it and have a reason for avoiding nationality to begin with.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  9. #1769
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Thanks, Leo!

  10. #1770
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpoonyViking View Post
    What's a correct and appropriate way to describe the colour of the skin of a person from an unspecified Middle-Eastern ethnicity? Bronze-skinned? Olive-skinned? Dark-skinned? None of the above?
    blonde, pale, red eyes, and a penchant for calling you a dog

  11. #1771
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Actual Middle-Easterners, please! No pasty-faced clay people either.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Is "wolfen eyes" too purple? Should I just use "eyes of a wolf", "wolf-like eyes" or something similar?

  12. #1772
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    At risk of being too cliched at all unless you mean an actual werewolf imo?
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  13. #1773
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Hm, I see your point. Thanks again, Leo!

  14. #1774
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    I mean, don't over-describe, you know? Less is more means that it's more interesting when you deploy more. Not everything is equally important when you look around.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  15. #1775
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    I always avoid using contractions for narration, but sometimes I feel it makes the prose a bit too stilted. Should I maybe start using those? Especially for a story which is meant to evoke folktales, including the way they used to be transmitted orally before being set down in writing?

  16. #1776
    nicht mitmachen Dullahan's Avatar
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    by definition if you're writing the story you can't properly evoke the oral transmission so do whatever you want as long as it sounds good when you read it aloud
    かん
    ぎゅう
    じゅう
    とう

    Expresses the exceeding size of one's library.
    Books are extremely many, loaded on an oxcart the ox will sweat.
    At home piled to the ridgepole of the house, from this meaning.
    Read out as 「Ushi ni ase shi, munagi ni mitsu.」
    Source: 柳宗元「其為書,處則充棟宇,出則汗牛馬。」— Tang Dynasty


  17. #1777
    アルテミット・ソット Ultimate Thot Five_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpoonyViking View Post
    I always avoid using contractions for narration, but sometimes I feel it makes the prose a bit too stilted. Should I maybe start using those? Especially for a story which is meant to evoke folktales, including the way they used to be transmitted orally before being set down in writing?
    I used to have this anxiety too but then I read some books I admire more closely and - yup, they use contractions. Not all the time, but they're there.
    <NEW FIC!> Revolution #9: Somewhere out there, there's a universe in which your mistakes and failures never happened, and all you wished for is true. How hard would you fight to make that real?

    [11:20:46 AM] GlowStiks: lucina is supes attractive
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  18. #1778
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Hmmm... I'll give it a shot, then, see how it reads. Thanks, Dullahan, Five!

  19. #1779
    HOUGU! ZABAAAAANIIIIIIYA!!! TagumonYatsuray's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpoonyViking View Post
    I always avoid using contractions for narration, but sometimes I feel it makes the prose a bit too stilted. Should I maybe start using those? Especially for a story which is meant to evoke folktales, including the way they used to be transmitted orally before being set down in writing?
    Wow, I am the exact same way... I only ever use contractions in literature if either A) I accidentally used one and I didn't see it so I didn't correct it... or B) It's in a characters dialogue, and it's accurate that they speak that way...

    (Anywhere outside of documentation or writing is fair-game though... I'll use them all the time if i'm not doing those)
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  20. #1780
    Taiga's knight Tobias's Avatar
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    The last time I used contractions in literature, the protagonist was in labor

    :|
    Quote Originally Posted by Bird of Hermes View Post
    The moment the opportunity arises for a pun, the one known as 'Taiga's Knight' will be there to deliver whether you like it or not.

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