Heart

[Five_X]

It's great to see another chapter! Even if it's not a huge chapter, it's an important and impactful one.

Now, critique.

It’s not that they were friends. Their rivalry was still as heated as ever, if not even more so. But after all the years they spent in the same circles, having to tolerate each other and even, at times, work together, Rin and Luvia's relationship turned into one of grudging mutual respect.

I like the interaction you've got here between Luvia and Rin, it feels very authentic: their dialogue is measured, and feels totally appropriate for what you've set their relationship up as. To be honest, not a lot plot-related happens in this section of the chapter, but at the same time, it's a good look into the more professional side of Rin's life. You don't indulge in their relationship too much, like a different writer might, and you don't strictly base it off of what we know specifically from canon; and most importantly you don't make any inside jokes or references that would just clash with the tone. You write what makes sense for the story.

The 'favour' I feel is going to come into importance later on - or does it? The way you've written things makes interesting hints at little hooks that I don't think will necessarily be explored, but add meaningful depth to the background of the conversation and Rin's situation in general. What was the information she needed? What's the story with Rin's old supplier? All things to wonder about, but we'll see what exactly gets woven into the plot later on.

Overall, this scene sets up a good contrast to the emotion of the first chapter, and again the way you've written Luvia and Rin is great. I like Luvia's biting sarcasm and her verbosity, and Rin's relative terse, businesslike responses for her parts of the conversation.

ironic garnishing

There's an odd euphony to this phrase. It works well!

She hastily buried the idea back into the godforsaken crevice of her mind it crawled out of, and muttered something sarcastic before going back to focusing on the clouds the drops of milk were making in the depths of her cup.

Another good line, and a particularly clear, vivid detail. As an aside, though, it feels a bit odd (to me) that just now she's putting the milk in her tea. You'd think it'd be starting to get rather cold considering all the talking they've been doing up to this point! It's just an opinion thing really, but maybe more mentions of the tea would be good, mainly for the atmosphere. Entirely up to you, of course.

Sometimes, when she’d position herself in a certain way, she could almost feel the cold bite of steel inside her chest, but remembering the circumstances of her stabbing disturbed her much more than any remaining pain could, as always.

This is a fantastic detail. You could've gone without mentioning the fact that she got stabbed at all and I doubt anyone would notice - but you didn't, and it works perfectly. Physical trauma, as a direct juxtaposition to emotional pain. Your writing really shines in the small details, and this is one that adds to the story's emotion and authenticity immensely. It makes perfect sense that this would be a huge thing for her, something that would stick with her for years and years. It's an oblique reference to what happened in the VN, and I'm sure someone could miss it, but it's made better for being that way. You don't directly mention Kirei by name, but I feel that the lack of a full sort of explanation for those who don't get/remember what's being alluded to adds to the emotion of it. The reader realizes what's being mentioned on their own, rather than having it plainly pointed out.

She rubbed at her eyes and walked out of the bathroom, pausing a moment to let her eyes

Tiny nitpick: could do without the repetition, just replace the second "her eyes" with "them" or something like that since they're already the subject in question.

She was not even given the chance to grieve for her friend properly.

Just a few lines before, you said 'she wouldn't describe it as grieving for him' - intentional, or a slip-up?

This line and the ones following it are very good, though. Shirou's passed away, but it's hard to really come to terms with that: it's not like she's seen his body or had someone cry on her shoulder about it; he's been out of her life, and when he finally comes back into it, it's because he's dead. It's hard to feel the true weight of a loss - even a meaningful one - in a situation like that, and you've illustrated that well.

for all accounts and purposes

Intents and purposed, I think you mean.

Deep creases will appear there, those you cannot straighten and that affect readability.

This reads strangely to me. Maybe it's the change in voice, with the different tense? I'm not sure what to fix with it or how to fix it; it just stands out discordantly from the rest of the paragraph/section. You could try changing the tense, or even rewrite the sentence while retaining the meaning you want to get across.

‘’I’m throwing you away now,’’ she spoke to the pages, to steel herself further ‘’I’m going to burn you and then Shirou…’’

This whole part is a bit intriguing. It's a stylistic departure from the rest of the narrative, and it's very evocative, with the focus on feelings rather than direct descriptions. Again, you're really good at that. The shorter, almost staccato rhythm of the passage about the burning papers makes it stand out, and rather than factual, intellectual questions - like in the Luvia tea scene - it brings to mind more emotional questions: questions about what Rin's feeling and remembering, exactly, and what about these papers had been so intensely important to her. Every chapter so far has explored more of this, all while hinting at revelations to come further on, and it's excellent for digging those narrative hooks in. It works.

Their coexistence was a strange one, but Rin could see that it did him good. He held a lot baggage from the war locked somewhere deep inside. Wounds that would probably never truly heal. She shared some of them, and both instinctively knew which topics to avoid.

This scene. Just... this whole scene.

I get the feeling that you wrote it in an entirely different mood/setting from everything else in this chapter, because it shows - and that's a very very good thing. I don't know what to say, really, but I'm going to try, because as great as everything prior to this has been, this scene is incredible. Remember how I said that the part where Rin read the letter informing her of Shirou's death was my favourite part of the story? This is even better. I feel bad for doing a critique about this part, because there's really nothing in it I dislike at all or think could be changed, so it'll probably come across as terrible flattery - but it's all the truth, I swear!

Both clung to some childish superstition that not mentioning the war at all would make the memories of the horrors disappear and the pain go away. Like the War would never hurt them again if they just closed their eyes and ears and whistled a happy tune.

I felt like I could or should mention this before, but here is the most fitting point to talk about something I appreciate and admire about your writing: it's very honest. You don't write with any pretension, and rather than trying to imitate emotion in your writing, which many writers do through exaggerating the emotions involved - the kind of thing that leads to melodrama - you write honestly, truthfully. Hemingway famously said: "There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." That's the impression I get from this: it doesn't feel written, in the same way that a good actor makes their role not seem to the audience like it's acting. This is a hallmark of a remarkable writer, and it continues through the rest of the scene.

I'm not sure if this is just the product of passion or true skill, but either way, it's excellent.

She would never forget the look he gave her when she told him that Ilya was dying.

She wanted to hug him. Slap him. Anything to make that chillingly familiar expression go away, to make him feel something, anything. But instead she gave him just a dry explanation of why, when and how, a move that did nothing for either of them.

This feels to me like a sort of callback to the first chapter, in how Rin learned about Shirou's death.

But sometimes, she couldn’t take it either. Like a flower in a vase, Ilya was wilting in front of their eyes, and nothing they did could ever change that. The breath of death entered the household, soaking into every crevice, into the floorboards, into Illya’s tired eyelids and her wan attempts of a smile. It clung to their clothes when they left.

Imagery, imagery, imagery. You're good at it, and this is arguably the best or second-best passage from the story so far, and you're only two chapters down.

She started crying, and then a bit later he was crying too. Just two godforsaken orphans, children who tired of playing adults, clinging to each other and crying their lungs out. They said nothing more that night, as if they just weren’t ready for it. Beyond that point, Rin felt like, try as she might, she could never come up with the right thing to say, so she didn't try, and neither did he.

This whole part is great. A lot of what's written in this section of the chapter is really relatable, it's things that I can understand and feel from my own experiences, and my own conversations with friends and family. I said this before, but that's the real life in your writing: it's honest in its emotion. Those two passages I quoted above stand out the most for this, and genuinely got my eyes watery; that's not something that happens often when I'm reading. You write with honest and evocativeness, and I absolutely want to read more because it's just that enjoyable. Sure, you suffer from some typos and grammar errors here and there, but those are basic things that editing can sort out. Your command of the English language is totally top-notch, and you talking about your ESL like it's a hindrance makes me terribly upset because your writing is good enough that, with some practice and refinement, I could see it being published.

Frankly, as a writer myself, I'm jealous.

Out of curiosity, who would you say are your main influences? I know you said you've read some Murakami, but I'm really interested in your background as a reader and how you feel that's had an impact on your writing.