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Thread: Fate/Enigma Ashes

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    夜属 Nightkin Accel's Avatar
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    Post Fate/Enigma Ashes

    Hello everyone, I'm a newcomer around and during my free time I had an idea to do a fanfic around the Fate Franchise and I hope you will enjoy it.

    Disclaimer : It's actually my first time trying to do a fanfic and a work of litterature, I'm still inexperimented so don't be too harsh if you notice some errors.


    Summary :

    -Prologue


    ================================================== =======================================

    FATE/ENIGMA ASHES

    Cover


    PROLOGUE


    Skycrapers that scratch the skies, buildings that sticks together like puzzles pieces tightly. A flow of cultures and traditions that started to bend with the open trades through the globe, the capital of Japan , Tokyo, 2016, everything seems peaceful as always but recently various phenomenas occurs in this city and peoples became more anguish about those inexplainables events. After all, this is my job to investigate those paranormals activities... My name is Kirohoko Accel , Seventeen Years Old, I am an Highschooler and a Paranormal Detective. I already solved some cases that were mostly around fake poltergeist, mostly kid pranks and such, some job are really bad paid but there's also cases where it was mostly fun to do because of the thrill of mystery and how discover more about those cases makes my skin chilled by the excitation to solve it.

    Thing is, it's another day at School , the day is clear, the sun is bright in this Spring ...cherryblossoms began to make there petals fall like every stereotypal young adolescent show with that situation when they goes back to highschool for the first time.It's a normal day in class nothing much more to say about this routine... I looked at the window, out of boredom because when I look at the board and the teacher, I have a nasty envy to fall asleep on my desk because I already know the awnsers of this piece of litterature. Since I was looking often at the window, I know the pattern of the teacher whenever or not he will throw me a chalk ... since he noticed recently that he knows that I will dodge it or catch it. It's pretty simple to notice it , by just hearing his tone of voice when he explain something and his breathing rythme , when annoyed or frustated, he cuts his breath for some milliseconds, take back his inspiration and I just had to shift my head forty-five degrees to the left and I dodged, it doesn't even touched my messy spiky hair. Predictable. The teacher looks at me annoyed like always.

    "Kirohoko-san, won't you be a little more focused on what we work instead of like you always do , just doing nothing but read me like an open book ?!" , Said with an agressive tone like he scold me for being lazy but I just look at him and respond.

    "I'm sorry Konakuwa-Sensei but I already read and analysed Animal Farm : A Fairy Story, And I find it interessting and I know the depth of the moral values that are in this story... But if you're not convinced, here's my analysis." I pass to him documents that were my own analysis of each chapters of the novel of George Orwell and I see the face of the teacher that seems to enjoy my analysis then he sighed.

    "Alright , You got me , I will let you pass this time...",then at this moment the School's bell began to rings meaning the start of the lunch break.

    I started to do some stretching, it seems that my bones started to make me feel uneasy and I'm approched by someone I know, The Snow White Heared Womanizer, my best friend Mizushima Haiko, he approched me and engaged the conversation.

    "You did again some reckus with Konakuwa-Sensei aren't you ?", said Haiko with a sarcastic tone

    "Meeh ... I wasn't interessted and I already read the novel entirely so I don't need to pay attention to something I already analyzed to it's depth , it's natural for me that I won't explore something that I already finished." Said with that annoyance in my voice that I completly assume by the fact that I can't hide my brutal honesty with my words.

    "Let's change topics would you ... You won't come back at the Mage's Association ?",Haiko asked.

    "Not at all. I was never fond of these guys and you know why I won't come back.", I said it with a menacing tone firmly showing my state of mind.

    "Hmm ... You never change but I guess that since you're also a Magnus, I must inform you of what happens in Tokyo...", Haiko looked at me with an anguish look but I cut him

    "If it's about the recent disparitions of fifteen peoples , I'm well aware, thank you." , I just cannot helped myself to spill some venom in my words

    "Let me finish would you , I didn't finished yet ...",Haiko started to discuss to me quietly for not letting peoples overhear our conversation ," You see ... the persons that went missing were actually peoples who are descendants of Magi lineage that aren't aware of their ties , they don't even know that their bodies are still have <Magic Circuits> dormant , but I'll warn you about it because you can be the next target so as I ...",

    He finish his sentence and lay his hand on my shoulder looking at me with the look of his eyes saying cleary to be like a "Take care of you" and he leaved. Geez why I must always be annoyed about the <Mage's Association>. Honestly ,Mizushima Haiko seems like your ordinary womanizer with a pretty face and a charisma that makes every girls fall for him but in fact he is actually a powerful ice Magnus , mastering every variants of spells around it , having an astonishing talent in the Mastery of Water & Wind elements , he skyrocketed the ranks of the Association to be a Special Class Investigator for the Association. As for me ... I never agreed to the terms of the Association and I always acted on my own without permissions which is the reason why I quitted but Haiko wants me to come back because he knows my potential as a Magnus better than anyone else and wants me to finish my formation as an accomplished one, but I never wanted to be one in the first place ,I'm already happy about being a detective and also even if I don't even admit it , a highschooler. We resume class after that and time pass, the ring bell. After school , I taked the daily route to came back home by taking the train , nothing special except hearing the crowd talking about the recent events mostly the disparitions... I started to take quick notes on my notebook about what Haiko told me and I came back to my appartment which is a four room appartment, it's also my office and sleeping place.

    ... Once there I started to look at the map of the City that I sticked to my wall ... I started to pinged the map where the victims were last seen and I then sticked the photos of the missing peoples ... I start recollecting the events that occured, The first victim was missing at <Akihabara> ... wanted to take the train to go home in her daily routine. Then three more victims dissapeared at the <Otahime Shrine> those persons were three Shinto Priests that were doing their prayers and the apprentice was making tea and when he came back, they dissapeared like nothing then the police started their investigation to further research. Until then ... nothing was found, no clue , no evidence by them. I would start to think they were kidnapped by Ninjas but this is just a joke that pass through my head and I toss it away mentally because it wasn't funny at all. Two weeks laters ... Seven peoples now dissapeared at <Shintawa> and at this moment , peoples started to become more anguished because it's a first that peoples dissapear in a short lap of time without any clue or leading ...this is where I had investigated before and when I can't find any evidence by means of science , I sometimes at my great displeasure when necessary have use of magic with my little knowledge of it ... And I finded Magical Residues meaning that disparitions were done by the means of magic which is forbidden by the Association but I'm silly, those guys are outlaws so they don't even care about the rules in the first place ... But it's with the last victims that I was able to be closer of their actions and with the informations that provided me Haiko , I started to recollect the puzzle in my mind... The last victims were seen at <Kudanminami>, three days before, I rushed there the fasted as I could the second they informed the disparition and this time they left some lead ... Residues of papers that worked like a <Talisman>, some type of <magecraft> practiced by <Onmyojis> to bind their victims ... I dunno if they work in group but with all these clues I can know where they operate, I taked the clues with me at home, of course it's illegal to take clues and evidences but since I dislike the Mage's Association in the first place, I do enjoy pissing them off. Well I guess I reached some kind or weird of conclusion that there's some type on conspiracy inside Tokyo so my only lead is to investigate the Temples or Shrines at night.

    The first place for my investigation is inside the <Yasukuni Shrine> because it's the Shrine close to where the last victims were seen ... trying to be stealthy by hiding inside the bushes, I looked around if something looked suspicious. Nothing abnormal but then I see some weird peoples dressed in black walking in group ... it looks like formal ritual robes that a Shinto Priest would wear but in black and with close examination what I saw at their feets a bunch on unconscious peoples and those were the peoples that were missing , reunited in the same place ... Damn I hate when my instinct is right. But I can't go there because those peoples are mages who are more skilled than me and if I do jump on them without a decent plan it's mostly a suicide plan. The best option that I have in mind is wait and see... then those guys in black started to rank in parallel lines like someone of great prestige is coming, at far I see the silhouette of a young girl with black hair darker than the night itself wearing clothes slighty more different than thoses guys with more pieces of whites added like some kind of distinction that she is their superior but it seems that she accompagned with an handsome tall man with dark hair and sharp dark eyes ,dressed in formal wears that are white which reminds me of someone I can't clearly say it because it's kinda impossible ... I tried to be the quiet the most as possible without attiring attention and I listened ...

    "All the preparations are complete ?" , says the girl with dark hair with a superior tone.

    "Yes ! My lady !" , shout all the henchmens like faithful dogs to their mistress. Then she turns to the man in white clothes.

    "<Caster>. Everything are set you can begin your preparations."

    "Understood, <Master>." , said the man named "Caster" with a calm tone and behavior.

    He begins to took a fan through his kimono, blue flames hover around him like spirits seeking something... At first this looks a beautiful show but this isn't really ... Talismans began to hover around the victims that were missing and something is dripping from their hands ... sounds of liquid ... Blood ?! The blood doesn't flow normally at all it looks like it is fueled with <Mana> and it looks like it's extracted it by force from those peoples and when the red liquid is in contact with the floor it started to create a pattern that look like a circle with a strange pattern. But the most unbearable thing is the scream of those peoples... scream that shows how much painful it is to get their blood drained like someone who literraly stab them with a straw and drink it ... I can't really bear it ... and unconcsiouly by the flow of emotions going through my head, my magic circuits started to activate which lead to the man in white detecting me quickly.


    "Someone is around and it's a Magnus , find him." , says the calm man with a serious look while masking his mouth with his fan.

    "Shit I don't have other choices...", I started to charge my mana in the palm of my hand flowing it , condensing it , I breath calmly they start to step closer to me ... they took their talisman preparing to cast spell on me.


    "Get out ! We know you are here !" , says one of the henchmens with a sarcastic smile on his face...

    My heartbeat starts to go crazy , they will kill me If I'm not aware of my surrondings ... I must prepare myself to the worst. My breath is dry by the overwhelming stress ... I cannot think about anything else because it's the first time that I put my life in such a risky situation and against Mages , I'm not sure that a Novice Magnus like me can handle these guys but I have no other choices ... I take a deep breath, calm myself a bit and incate the words ...

    "Blaze.On !!" ,I release an explosion of flames through my palm of my hand, flying off two of those guys to a wall , three at my right , four at my left , I have to act quick. I take a step to the right punching the first one at my right in the ribs charged with a fireball that sending off this one. I quickly noticed they throwed their talismans at me at highspeed and they started to ignite , so I taked a step back by throwing flames in front of me to boost my jump to dodge the explosion. But two of them surged at me and they both hitted my shoulders with a shakujo and damn that hurts. I set my two feets at ground, grabbed both shakujos pulling them both,then I release my hands then I open hands to their faces releasing a non lethal explosion that knock them down. But then I can't move and I realized they sticked on me binding talismans by a moment of inattention.

    "I can't move. Damn it...", I try my hardest to release myself of the spells but it was futile , it's too strong...

    "It seems like that the prey has been caught. Take him.", said the girl approching me with uneasy aura around her, then the henchmens put me down on the floor while I'm paralysed like a wrestler putting down a ragdoll with ease .

    "Damn it ! What do you eat seriously guys ? That smells ...urgh... !!",even if it wasn't funny , I tried at least to laugh at my desesperate situation and laugh about it. At this moment the girl stomped my head on the ground with the sound of the pressure of her knee that stomp my skull against the gravel.

    "Silence.You dog. Only a fool like you would throw himself at the jaws of the beast. Many have tried but died miserably...",She looks at me like she is some kind of queen or dictator stepping down any form of resistance with the sheer force of her feet. Then the man in white "Caster" lay a hand of her shoulder.

    "<Shigeharu-chan> Isn't more judicious to use this young boy as a sacrifice ? Because his magic circuits are interessting and powerful... I guess we should use him for allowing one of our peoples to being the last Master by using his blood.", Says with the same calm behavior like he doesn't care if peoples dies in the process.

    "Understood... Put this dog with the others and resume the ritual.", orders the sadist queen to her henchmens.

    Uh ... Damn it, Why Am I so stubborn to go where danger occurs ? I guess it's in my nature in the first place and I always laugh about it because how unlucky I am to be stucked to such ridiculous situation ... I guess this is the end for me ... As soon as the blue flames started to ignite around the circles , I had the feeling that my blood has been drained by force.

    I screamed at an intense intensity because the sheer feeling of the pain like they were taking off my veins with pliers, each of them , one by one. It's so painful ... They drain my blood and my mana ...I can't ... take it anymore ... My mind is screaming ... Shocks through my brain , I cannot bear the pain as much it burns me ... My mind start to give up and I'm loosing concsious little by little because how much my brain cannot describe or feel the pain right now because the intensity of pain became something that a human can't perceive ... Then my mind goes blank ... I cannot feel anything ... It's like I have been torn apart physically and mentally. I guess I reached the dead line ... But I still refuse to give up with the little of conciousness that is left in me ... I want to live ...My mind was entirey shut down, only darkness that swallows my senses, I started to feel tired ... my body cannot respond ... it's like I'm drowing in the depth of an ocean of ink ... My mind telling to give up ...but my soul and my will still refuse to kneel, I was pissed at myself to die so miserably ... I started to sigh and then accepted my doom but at this moment a feint light started to shine upside this ocean of darkness and little by little the light became more bright then I saw something at the center of the light, I can't believe it or just that I started to be crazy because my brain doesn't respond... but a silhouette of a young girl is graciously falling slowy in front me, she is wearing blue clothes but something is different , something powerful emanates of her body ... but the only striking thing I can notice are fox ears and a foxtail. She looks at me asking me with a sorrowful look.

    "You have met a terrible fate, aren't you ?", as she says with words full of sadness

    "Yes. I guess but I wouldn't call it fate just bad luck.", as I say something stupid because of my denial that I'm dying is not by fate but my own choice.

    "Hm.Hm.Hm. Hihihi ...", she started to giggle cheerfully

    "What is funny ?", While I am a bit confused.

    "Nothing. It's just that I admire the straight of your soul and that your awnser resume that you're looking for something aren't you ? <3 , While others gods have may been abandonned you, there's one thing for sure, I have no idea of who
    you are or where you come from-- but hearing your struggle , your lamentation, your perseverance reached my ears ... because I cannot resist this type of person who's so determined, I won't allow you to join the realm of the dead, yet ! So as I, servant, the adorable <Caster> , have awnsered your call my dear Master !" , She started to switch to her sorrowful looks to a more bright personality and i'm a bit more confused... she smiled at me and showed me her hand wanting me to take it ... and having faith in her and I taked her hand...

    "Oh by the way, I never asked your name my dear Master, It's impolite from me ! What is your name ? <3" , said with a girly tone and I smiled back with determination.

    "My name is Kirohoko ... Kirohoko Accel !", As I said with a firm smile and at the moment I tooked her hand she lay her other hand to mine's.

    "It's a wonderful name ! I'm looking forward, Master !",Then a flash illuminates my entire mind.

    I started to regain my conciousness little by little , I no longer feel the pain and I started to feel better, my heartbeat pump once more at his normal rythm. But I feel a sharp pain at the back of my left hand right after but besides that ... I started to grin at those two who tried to kill me.


    "Impossible , It can't be !" , the girl in black is surprised that I regained my conciousness but I got the feeling that what happen in my mind was real so even if I thinks I just had a weird dream, my mind is telling me to shout those words with all my might ...

    "Come at me ! <Caster> !", As I freed myself of the binding ,the mysterious circle made of blood started to shine brightly, orbs of light appears starting spinning at highspeed creating a portal and a pillar of light appears behind me and the silhouette of the Fox Girl jumped out of the pillar of light. I started to feel relieved that it wasn't my imagination and the fact that I was saved by her makes me feel grateful but at the same time, the other Caster is surprised.

    "Oh ... Interessting ...", As he murmurs then my Caster stepped and open her eyes

    "Miikoo--nn ! Here I am the adorable Miko Fox ! The only one , Caster !" , ... ... ... Talk about a flashy entrance ... she seems to ignore the surroundings and looks at me

    "My dear Master , How do you think I was ?" ,I can't express but I'm feeling a bit embarassed but I don't understand what she is trying to do but ...I chained

    "You were adorable ... but you see we are a bit in danger so if you can help me out to get out of this alive ...",As I said with my legendary sacastic tone.

    "Oh It's not a problem my dear Master, I can take them with no prob-- ---!!!", She started to say her sentence like she was going to ham out but at the moment she looked at the other Caster, something cold maked her freezed for a
    moment as her eyes see him, she grin her teeth and her faces goes to the cheerful one to an extremly agressive one like a wild beast laying her eyes on her nemesis.


    "You----!!", As Caster says with anger.

    "It's been a while , <demon>. How have you been ?", says the Caster in white seemly undifferent at my Caster's intimidation and smiles at her like they were kind of good friends.

    Caster charged at him with rage shouting a roar and I see the look on her eyes those are the "eyes of someone who wants revenge". She summoned a <Ornamented Mirror> out of nowhere and tries to slam it to him but the Caster in White uses a talisman that is able to protect him and repels her attack and sending back the shock, flying her off and knocking her out in the process.

    The shockwave was powerful enough that those were at least at two meters radius would be knocked out. As I see Caster been repelled, I instinctively catch her with all my strength.

    "Caster !! ---", I catched her in mid-air and the strength of her being repelled back was strong enough to make me lost my balance and we both rolled around three meters but I felt that if I didn't catch her she would be heavily hurt, So I'm relieved ... But I feel my body is numb after that stun ... and I can't feel even my legs ... then there's the girl in black and the man in white looking at me.

    "Caster ... We have to finish them off", As the girl in black says.

    "No. We should retreat.", says the other Caster.

    "What are you crazy ?! It's an opportunity to get rid of them ! Isn't that we were supposed to do in this <Holy Grail War> ?!", I don't get it what they said because as the same time that my body starts to fall so as my mind does ...
    "We are not in hurry and besides my plans are now in set , come Master, we should leave before the Mage Association comes.", says the White Caster but when you said that , I feeled that I was more in a deep shit than anyone else come on, if the Association find me , they will freaking rip my skin off ! After the man in white said his advice, the young girl in black sighed and agreeded with a nod, she and her henchmens dissapeared like the wind ... and the victims even if they lost some blood, they are safe now ...

    I will let the Mage Association dealing with that and as for me ... I'm hitting the road for going home and not letting those guys knowing I was here , while I lift the unconscious fox girl <Caster> to treat her wounds...I rushed at home and as soon as I arrived quickly at home ,I lay her down on my bed taking care to remove her Tabis and put it at side... I taked the case of first aid and treated her wounds then I treated my wounds too. I stepped outside my room and closed the door then I fall assleep by exaustion on my couch, because with everything that happens it's normal that it's tiresome ... So I guess it's another case set in motion that begins...

    PROLOGUE-END


    =====================================

    Well I hope you enjoy it , leave a comment if you have any question or any suggestion for helping me in my work. If you have noticed some incoherences please make me also notice.
    Last edited by Accel; March 22nd, 2016 at 04:58 PM.

  2. #2
    love me until I love myself Prix with a Silent X's Avatar
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    It is hard for me to give substantive review to this work because it is hard to follow structurally. There are numerous grammatical errors as well as punctuation oddities that blur your intent. What I can say is that it sounds like you have a very clear, vivid picture in your mind of what's going on, but it is hard to convey that to your reader when it has not been carefully edited. I would recommend that you consult some kind of English style guide, at least for a little bit, and then maybe seek out someone who can help you with the more specific problems you may have.

    As far as content, like I said, it's actually pretty hard for me to parse out what exactly is going on. I know that you have a paranormal investigator character who lives in Tokyo named Kirohoko Accel. Which is an... interesting name. The thing is, and I used to do this a lot and still might be guilty of it from time to time, I think that while you have a very vivid image in your mind of what you would like to convey that it is a hodgepodge of settings you have seen in anime and settings you, the author, are familiar with. For example, you mention a Japanese student apparently studying a George Orwell work? I don't know if they do this in Japan, but after my reading about the way the Japanese education system operates, I am inclined to think not. If this theme/novel has something to do with your story, I think you may be harder pressed to find some way to tie in its relevance, but if not I think it is a piece of "this person is a student" set dressing that does not fit in a Japanese student's life very naturally. There are others who know far more about this than me, I'm sure, but my reading on the Japanese education system seems to indicate that much of it has to do with fact memorization that is geared toward testing, which is a very important part of how one advances in that system. There are plenty of resources you can pick through if you just google "Japanese education," and I'm not sure if anyone who actually knows Japan better than I do has done this, but one member, Arashi Lionheart, has some guides on Japanese life posted on the site that you can read.

    I know that when you're an author eager to start out, it can be annoying to be told to wait in your stall before setting out, but that advice can save you a lot of heartache in the long run. Basically what I'm saying is, there are things you can write about that don't involve research beyond the source material that you are writing within (for fanfiction), but it is very easy to run into things that do require research. Using an OC, for example, is pretty much always going to guarantee that you have to dig a little deeper than just putting someone in your headcanon perception of Japan.

    Another thing is that this is written in first person. This is often the way young (literally or in terms of experience) writers start out. In some ways, it is the natural way to start for most English writers, but it can hinder you in some ways. The first is the risk that you are writing about a fantasy version of yourself in the world in which you're writing, and even if you're not, the use of "I" will tend to make you want to make your main character's attitudes and viewpoints reflect your own. It gives you a subconscious attachment to your character's identity that keeps it from healthily detaching from your own. If you want to use first person, I recommend that you read some YA lit (The Hunger Games is my favorite example, both for its flaws and its strong points, but there are plenty of others). They often use first person in YA lit because it is easy to write, easy to process, and is a good way to create a blind spot where your characters don't have to know everything so you, the author, don't have to write everything.

    I have a tendency of not being very clear or concise when I'm trying to give friendly advice, so in an effort to simplify this:

    1. I think it's great that you're trying to write, but what you have posted seems like a rough draft. It's best advice not to post something without careful revision done by yourself or a beta or both.

    2. In order to communicate clearly, you need to have a working understanding of the conventions of grammar, punctuation, and presentation. You cannot begin to get fancy and stylistic until you can write in very clear, strong prose in the first place. I don't really even understand how you're using italics, for example? Do you know why you are? Make things like that more sparing, clear, and meaningful, after you have taken care of the grammatical errors. Work from the ground up, style wise.

    3. Do research when it is necessary, and when you don't feel ready for research, practice with writing something about someone and circumstances you already know. Some people think that starting with OCs gives you more freedom to do whatever you want, but in most fanfiction communities that opinion is often one-sided. You might be able to do whatever you want, but it is unlikely that it will be received the way you intend for it to be. Using an OC sets the bar even higher for fanfiction, because you have to give the audience even more of a reason to care about your character than you would have to if you carefully used an established character. It is setting out to write original fiction within the context of a borrowed world, and that is setting your initial bar very high. I repeat: do research when necessary, and when you're not prepared to do the research because you're working on style and grasp of literary language, learn how to avoid the research appropriately.

    My advice to you would be to maybe revise this piece until it is a more conventional, easy to access work if you're really passionate about it, but I would also recommend that you start slower. This is a prologue? Then you have time to pull back and develop it. I would first recommend that you not start with a chapter fic, though. Start with something smaller, regardless of what you write about. Write a one-shot. Write several one-shots. Learn how to contain a narrative before you try to build a huge one. Look up writing advice from fanfiction authors if that's what you want to write (advice from established authors can be useful but is not as useful for being on point). Read a lot of well-received fanfiction and read some "actual books," and don't just read them for content. Read them for structure. Learn to look at why you like them.

    Anyway, please know that this was a response to your request for help with your work. I am not really sure what else to say about your content, but everyone starts somewhere, and I hope that my advice is helpful rather than hurtful. Good luck.
    Last edited by Prix with a Silent X; March 22nd, 2016 at 03:57 PM.
    Imagine that the world is made out of love. Now imagine that it isn’t.

    Imagine a story where everything goes wrong, where everyone has their back against the wall, where everyone is in pain and acting selfishly because if they don’t, they’ll die.
    Imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.



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    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by Snow View Post
    Let Sakura say fuck and eat junkfood you weirdos.


  3. #3
    鬼 Ogre-like You's Avatar
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    Looked stuff up. Turns out there's at least one person who took an english class in high school where Animal Farm was their supplemental reader.
    So they didn't really study the novel but like the language around the novel. But they still read it.
    Last edited by You; March 22nd, 2016 at 04:15 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by FSF 5, Chapter 14: Gold and Lions I
    Dumas flashed a fearless grin at Flat and Jack as he rattled off odd turns of phrase.
    "And most importantly, it's me who'll be doing the cooking."
    Though abandoned, forgotten, and scorned as out-of-date dolls, they continue to carry out their mission, unchanged from the time they were designed.
    Machines do not lose their worth when a newer model appears.
    Their worth (life) ends when humans can no longer bear that purity.


  4. #4
    夜属 Nightkin Accel's Avatar
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    Uhm ... I didn' have a title in mind so I picked an random book title that passed through my mind , I enjoyed this novel. But I guess it's a bit incoherent I guess ? Or does the novel have a japanesse adaptation ?


    Edit : Okay , I will try to understand more the grammatical procedure about it and I will do a bit more research , But it was actually a try to see how much I do but it seems it's still imperfect. It's a fun experience, thanks for the advice and I try reworking a bit on it with proper research. I do admit that I rushed things before consulting someone who's more experimented in the matter and that my enthusiasm makes me not noticing the problem at it.
    Last edited by Accel; March 22nd, 2016 at 04:41 PM.

  5. #5
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    I only skimmed over it, but, a word of warning, at least around here the whole <Sword Art Online> sort of style of emphasis is not well thought of. You're really just better off writing it like a normal story without calling unneeded attention to <Caster> or <The Holy Grail War> or <Magic Circuits> or whatever.

  6. #6
    夜属 Nightkin Accel's Avatar
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    Really ? I didn't read the light novel so ... understood ... I will forgot those emphasis then ... Thanks for the advice.
    Last edited by Accel; March 22nd, 2016 at 04:57 PM.

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    Dead Apostle Eater Historia's Avatar
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    Wait, by light novel, do you mean the visual novel?

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    夜属 Nightkin Accel's Avatar
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    Nah the books I mean.

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    love me until I love myself Prix with a Silent X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Accel View Post
    Edit : Okay , I will try to understand more the grammatical procedure about it and I will do a bit more research , But it was actually a try to see how much I do but it seems it's still imperfect. It's a fun experience, thanks for the advice and I try reworking a bit on it with proper research. I do admit that I rushed things before consulting someone who's more experimented in the matter and that my enthusiasm makes me not noticing the problem at it.
    The important thing is to keep trying and retain your enthusiasm for your work while you are working on technical issues. Storytelling is a natural impulse while writing is a learned way of doing that. Given that, it helps some people to read their work out loud as part of their revising process. Just try to find something that works for you, and look for patterns that sound "good" or "right" when you read. I can tell from what you have here that you have a lot of things going on in your imagination and a lot of ambition for them, and creativity is something you should always try to channel and give a good outlet. Like I said, working on a chapter fic from the beginning is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, so even if you keep working on this I would recommend trying a short story as your training ground for any technical issues you are having. That way it's less frustrating and disheartening when you have to learn the revision part of writing. I really hope that some of the advice was helpful and that I didn't come across as too demanding. Like I said, good luck!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shrapnel View Post
    Wait, by light novel, do you mean the visual novel?
    I think maybe, for example, the way the Fate/Zero translation we have in English stylizes the names of Noble Phantasms and that type of thing?
    Last edited by Prix with a Silent X; March 22nd, 2016 at 05:14 PM.
    Imagine that the world is made out of love. Now imagine that it isn’t.

    Imagine a story where everything goes wrong, where everyone has their back against the wall, where everyone is in pain and acting selfishly because if they don’t, they’ll die.
    Imagine a story, not of good against evil, but of need against need against need, where everyone is at cross-purposes and everyone is to blame.



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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow View Post
    Let Sakura say fuck and eat junkfood you weirdos.


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    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    I think he means SAO doing the brackets thing, which is what I was talking about and he responded to.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Prix of Heroes View Post
    I think maybe, for example, the way the Fate/Zero translation we have in English stylizes the names of Noble Phantasms and that type of thing?
    Zero only does what Japanese does in general, which is give readings to how you're supposed to pronounce longass kanji compounds that a reader doesn't know how to, some of which have English rather than standard Japanese pronunciation. SAO seemed to start this trend everyone was going with where <Really Important Terms> are <Emphasized> that <Everyone on FFN> started to <Emulate>.

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    鬼 Ogre-like You's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prix of Heroes View Post
    I think maybe, for example, the way the Fate/Zero translation we have in English stylizes the names of Noble Phantasms and that type of thing?
    Invisible Air • Barrier of the Wind King.
    ?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    SAO seemed to start this trend everyone was going with where <Really Important Terms> are <Emphasized> that <Everyone on FFN> started to <Emulate>.
    indeed.
    Quote Originally Posted by FSF 5, Chapter 14: Gold and Lions I
    Dumas flashed a fearless grin at Flat and Jack as he rattled off odd turns of phrase.
    "And most importantly, it's me who'll be doing the cooking."
    Though abandoned, forgotten, and scorned as out-of-date dolls, they continue to carry out their mission, unchanged from the time they were designed.
    Machines do not lose their worth when a newer model appears.
    Their worth (life) ends when humans can no longer bear that purity.


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    夜属 Nightkin Accel's Avatar
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    Well thanks for making me noticing that I'm doing something that is <Not really useful> <at all>.

  13. #13
    鬼 Ogre-like You's Avatar
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    Rental Magica did it was well.
    LET'S BLAME SANDA INSTEAD!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by FSF 5, Chapter 14: Gold and Lions I
    Dumas flashed a fearless grin at Flat and Jack as he rattled off odd turns of phrase.
    "And most importantly, it's me who'll be doing the cooking."
    Though abandoned, forgotten, and scorned as out-of-date dolls, they continue to carry out their mission, unchanged from the time they were designed.
    Machines do not lose their worth when a newer model appears.
    Their worth (life) ends when humans can no longer bear that purity.


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