A Premature Epitaph [Tsukihime]

[Frostyvale]

It was July, I don’t know the day. But that’s alright. Those days were all the same. I was up when the sun rose, and asleep when it set.

One of the servants told me that there were some kittens around the old building. I wanted to see them, so I finished my lessons quickly and ran out of the house.

I put the doors behind me, sliding glass fixtures that led into the courtyard.

The big windows of the mansion were usually empty, but there was someone watching me from behind the glass. She looked like a girl that Akiha and I played with from time to time, so I waved and smiled. She only stared back. It was a cold, unnerving gaze. It’s hard to say even now, but I’m certain that that expression did not belong on a human face. Though that’s only in retrospect. I wasn’t particularly concerned at the time.

What is she doing? Can’t she see me? And, why is she in father’s room? She’ll be in trouble if he finds her there.

She stared. I’d never seen a face like that in my life. That’s no surprise, is it? I was a kid. Nobody would have shown me things like that. I wasn’t meant to know. But that was despair, wasn’t it? No, never mind. I understand already. The very concept was beyond her. After all, a fish doesn’t need a word for water.

I left. It was no concern of mine what happened to her. I was convinced of that fact. It’s very easy to take such things for granted when nothing’s happened to you. It’s easy to ignore it. Other people’s pain, I mean. It doesn’t hurt me. I wish that I could say it did. And, I tried, you know? I really did try. Turns out that it’s your happiness that hurts.

But let’s be honest for a second. I could tell you that I was a kid, that I had no idea what I was looking at. I could tell you that I was ignorant of so many things, that this detail didn’t register at all inside me. It would make sense, wouldn’t it? It sure does. That’s what I told myself. But I recognized it, somewhere inside. I think I know why I laughed back then.

Akiha was still inside. Her lessons were much worse than mine. Really, that old man was trying harder than he needed to. If he’d just let her breathe a little, maybe she wouldn’t have…

Ha ha ha, look at me. Why am I saying things like that? Let’s get back to the point.

I ran across the grass, in slippers. Don’t look at me like that. The old man was lax with me, but he didn’t let me rampage around like some barbarian. What? Don’t make assumptions like that. You had the easiest time of us all.

The ground was cool. The slowly rising heat of noon burnt the air dry, but the moist soil made it hard to notice. I didn’t mind the heat either way. It’s nothing so bad, so long as I can go where I please. That’s how kids think. I dashed past some servants on the path. I think they were carrying some kind of sack, I’m not sure.

But I couldn’t mistake the smell. A little whiff, and a faintly alkaline tang. It was like a perfume. I’ll save you the trouble. Yeah, it was some kind of chemical cleaning solution. Acrid up close, but from a good distance, it’s kind of nice.

It doesn’t mask the scent of blood though. And why would it? This synthetic is some concoction of the last century’s science. It’s only a recent addition to the human experience. Blood, on the other hand. That’s prey, a meal. It’s a chance to fill your stomach. And it’s also, well, the stuff of the soul. That’s why it’s important that you… Well, your face tells me you aren’t following, so let’s just forget it.

I didn’t run away from it. I ran straight for the building. I didn’t go around there often, not for any reason. You understand, I could have gone anywhere I wanted. Though that building was off limits. One day, the servants moved out, and I couldn’t get in. No, that’s later. Definitely later. This is a different story.

The smell only got stronger as I went forward. It’s impossible to mistake it. Even if it’s not from a human, it’s got the same basic chemical composition. The same scent. It just lacks the right mix. I don’t know. A few proteins make a lot of difference here. Geez, try to follow. I know you’ve covered this stuff. I remember the days when they were figuring it out. Ah, sorry. Not me. Not me, precisely. There’s just so much in here; it’s getting jumbled.

So, there I was. Just a stone’s throw away from my father. He was smiling. How rare a sight! I’d never seen that man smile like that before. The muscles of his face twisted so far into themselves that they might have ripped. His ragged breath tore through gritted teeth. It’s as though he was cursing himself, even as he delighted in some sort of primal joy. Well, I don’t know. Was it joy? It just feels right. Even if you’re angry, even if you’re upset, even if you’re a useless piece of trash in a worthless world, do a little violence and somehow you’ll feel right as rain. You know the feeling, don’t you?

Yeah, so do I. But that’s all the human mind knows. There’s something just a bit deeper, just an inch beneath the surface. That’s what you’ve got to keep down. Human on the outside, monster on the inside, and every instinct in your body tells you it should be the other way around. Inversion’s a bitch, kept down by a concentrated force of will. That’s why it’s inevitable. Will doesn’t last forever.

Blood caked his hands. It was dry, cracking and flaking even as he trembled in his little moment of insanity. That’s just what it was, just like you and me, I guess he found his own outlet. I can’t say I blame him.

Anyway, I never did find those kittens.

It was a while after that. Akiha had grown up a bit more, still kept under father’s heel, but she was showing some spirit. I got her to come outside. She wasn’t too enthusiastic at first, but the other kids kept things going easy. When the old man came storming out, of course I had to take responsibility. You think I was going to leave it to her? Don’t be so cheeky. Even you learned a couple of things from me. Yeah, if I had raised you you’d probably become a fine man.

I just wish that Akiha hadn’t been so quick to let go of my hand. I’d read about that stuff. Kids don’t hesitate to touch each other. Contact between hands, heads, bodies, it’s nothing. We’re all made of the same squishy stuff, so what’s the deal? Well, she let go of me like I was on fire. If it wasn’t for this thing, that little voice… If only I could have grabbed him and torn him out.

Tch, don’t look at me like that. Why the fuck would it be so convenient? And besides, it’s not so bad, having another person along for the ride. You just have to keep them in check. After all, he’s so withered, even I could eat him up. But, what a mess we made.

She’s the first thing that I thought of as mine. We’re of the same blood. I like Akiha, ok? I don’t want to hear it from you. Especially you. Do you think everything you feel for her is your own? Please look at it properly. I told you; you picked up a lot from me, and a lot more over these eight years.

So it wasn’t long after that that you came in. I’m sure you remember meeting me. I certainly remember you. You looked like you wanted to rip me to pieces, all the stranger, because you were also as gentle as a person could be back then. I don’t even think you realized it. So if you were wondering, that’s why I explained it all to you. You were clueless, and really someone like you had no right to be. You’re the one who’s here to kill me. I’m the one who’s here to be killed by you. That’s how I thought things should be. If that’s how it worked out, things would be alright.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding. I like being alive. I really loved living in those carefree days. Just the thought of it ending was painful.

And, here’s the clincher: you took what was mine.

So can you really blame me? She was mine to enjoy. Mine to play with. Mine to defile. Mine to cherish. Mine to love. Mine to destroy.

You really got in the way of everything.

And then you went and fucking forgot. Hold on to your memories, idiot. They’re all you’ll ever have in life. I shouldn’t have to teach you that. But hey, I guess we’re sharing so many things already. That’s why I’m sharing mine with you.

So, Shiki. If you’re satisfied, I’ll end things here. Just keep two things in mind, ok?

First. I love you. Still do. You’re the best friend I could ever have.

Second. If you want to kill a person properly, you do it like this.

[walrus]

Love it. It's rare to see from the perspective of SHIKI.