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Thread: Create-A-Servant 2

  1. #13441
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six asterism42's Avatar
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    You're the best Sunny

    plz enter the october contest, I wanna see what you do with the prompt
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    Genderswaps are terrible, but I think I and other people would hate them less if Fate didn't keep ignoring actual heroines throughout history and folklore. Like, why bother turning Francis Drake into a woman when Ching Shih and Grace O'Malley exist?
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  2. #13442
    天使を見た Sunny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    You're the best Sunny

    plz enter the october contest, I wanna see what you do with the prompt



    I-I don't really plan to go back to contests, s-sorry. I really do end up stressing and wanting other people to win, I am not suited for competitions. But I'll probably make a for-fun one here...?


    "She walks as if on heaven’s brink,
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  3. #13443
    A Two-Named Thief Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny View Post


    I-I don't really plan to go back to contests, s-sorry. I really do end up stressing and wanting other people to win, I am not suited for competitions. But I'll probably make a for-fun one here...?
    Sunny, you're a multi-time winner. There are people like you who consistently smash out top tier stuff and regularly enter the top three yes, but their the kind of sheets that inspire people to improve rather than just throw in the towel.

    Also Julie d'Aubingy Good. Another sheet I made way back when (I'm usually not so fond of my older stuff but I still like that one) but you have a pretty solid & unique take on her. Nice one.
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  4. #13444
    So Many Ideas, So Little Time SleepMode's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny View Post


    I-I don't really plan to go back to contests, s-sorry. I really do end up stressing and wanting other people to win, I am not suited for competitions. But I'll probably make a for-fun one here...?
    I'll be serious and say that you and Daneel are practically my motivators to improve in the contest, especially that review on my Sir Lucan all the way back.
    The Act of dozing off in the afternoon is a luxury indeed.
    Coffee would be nice, though.

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  5. #13445
    a blond with green eyes that doesn't look like saber Spartacus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny View Post


    I-I don't really plan to go back to contests, s-sorry. I really do end up stressing and wanting other people to win, I am not suited for competitions. But I'll probably make a for-fun one here...?
    If I'm not be able to beat the number 1, then I simply not good enough. It's alright, most of us have protagonist mentality!

  6. #13446
    死徒 Dead Apostle Kabalisto Koga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shiki-pon View Post
    Amok doesn't really have a 'behavior towards Master' section, since its behavior towards them is much the same as its behavior towards everything else with a pulse.

    As for Grant, uhhh... Saber would probably have some patriotism-thing, since that was largely based off of the facts that he A) had a bling-y sword, B) assumedly knew how to swing it and C) his first initials spell out U.S., and his nickname in his early days was "Uncle Sam" - In essence, he would be patriotism incarnate (or possessed by the spirit of it).
    Caster would be based on his career as president, diplomat and author. Probably wouldn't be summed up by his NP, though that would probably have something to with the aforementioned categories.

    And since you asked...
    Caution: unedited content
    First off, I might note that Fenrir is one my favorites when it comes to Norse Mythology. Though that is no excuse for what I'm about to say, it is an explanation.

    The faceclaim is terrible, given that the web is full of better images. You could at least hide under a Spoiler tag, given that you clearly know how to use them.
    One of his names being the father of werewolves doesn't make a lick of sense given that Fenrir was a wolf in the mythos, period. The werewolf legend is also more commonly associated with Southern Europe and the areas surrounding it, so I don't see what any of this has to do with Fenrir. Though as noted below, there were some Germanic werewolf legends.
    Parameter-wise, I have no clue what you were going for here. EX Endurance is especially questionable, given that Fenrir got killed by Vidarr in Ragnarök and eaten by Surtr in a Lostbelt (though the latter was a world-burning monstrosity).
    The background has nothing to do with Fenrir's. I would suggest finding some other character that fits into the idea you had even slightly.

    Everything relating to the atrocious background in the Skills section is just as bad as the lore. Especially notable is that Odin liked Fenrir, so cursing him would be kinda odd. Wouldn't be the oddest thing the Allfather ever did, but still.
    Why exactly does he have Self-Modification? I would assume some internal logic in the sheet, but aren't all the modifications dealing with him the work of someone else?
    Instinct's rank is waaay too high. I get why you think he should have it (a beast's instinct or something like that), but Animalistic Logic is far more appropriate for someone who's, you know, a beast.
    Why would a creature destined to aid in destroying the world (at least outside the fanfic of a background) have the blessing of Gaia? Also feels kinda uninspired. Too frolicky.

    I believe I've mentioned my opinion on sticking to languages actually related to the subject of the sheet when it comes to Noble Phantasm names. Or who knows, maybe even one language per Noble Phantasm name?
    Gleipnir is actually Norse, though its effect has nothing to do with the mythos (so at least its consistent with the rest of the sheet). Given that its supposed to be something binding Fenrir even in this atrocity of a sheet, I'd say it's remarkably bad at binding him. I would also suggest changing it from Anti-Bestiality to something else, given what that thing means. Or hey, maybe that's what it was really for.
    TheraintropiaTherianthropia Markesh has (apparently) Greek and Hindi in its name. Like Self-Modification, there's no real reason for this to be here. Even if Fenris was some sorta werewolf (which, once again, is more a Greek-related concept, at least at the era we're talking about - there were some werewolf legends with Germanic roots, but they don't relate to Fenrir), he'd probably get beaten to the punch by Lycaon and the Neuri tribe.
    Lunar Ecliptis has English and Dog Latin (which I guess is fitting in a way) in its name. As for its effect, whaddaya know, something that sorta relates to the mythology. As it happens, Fenrir did have children, though apparently actually named characters don't factor into this sheet. Said named children (Sköll and Hati) did actually have connections to the Sun and Moon, though in fairness they were mostly chasing them. Unless this has something to do with them somehow gaining the celestial bodies' powers after eating them during Ragnarök, I don't see why they'd have powers relating to them too. What makes even less sense is Fenrir being able to wield said powers at anything more than a minor level. There's also the fact that this Fenrir (even if his height doubles) is absurdly tiny. This NP is also the only part in the entire sheet that mentions Fenrir's Nasuverse canon ice powers.

    And furthermore, please try to spell things correctly. At least for me the forum actively tries to warn me if it thinks I'm spelling something incorrectly, so...
    Final rating, the sheet is an atrocity. Given that some of your prior works showed some promise, this is quite the step down.


    Edit: Hm. That came out less harsh than I thought it would.
    .. thanks for the Evaluation (i appreciate it) ,okay i will try to overwork Abit that in my lancer fenris aswell as Avenger Version profile after some re-research i found some interesting(and surprising) aspects i will use .
    About the noblephantasm language i try to use the original language if i can find a matching translator otherwise i tend to catchy Name which are having a meaning. i saw Fenrir in a more tragic(human) sense ,as with Hati and sköll yes in my context have they devoured the celestial objects of the old world.
    Quote Originally Posted by Shiki-pon View Post
    The class is admittedly more than a little bit of a stretch, but I'd assume the poisonous breath, being a ranged weapon, is a (weak) qualifier. I mostly just didn't want to go for the obvious Berserker/Avenger route, and figured that Archer is suitable enough.
    I believe I had originally thought she might use a bow to shoot her fangs at people, but figured that that was too silly.
    Wow i know now what you meant that my Fenris is Tiny i just wanted to make my Fenris into a adequate size for a grailwar and when i see jourmongandrs Allra Landa Umbgjord i must say that even back then with Goliath i fixated that the summonable Leviathan is "just" a 55~ meter bunrei of the real 1,5 km original ,but okay this is your form of overpower.

    nevertheless your Asgard archer pfofile is as good as surprising at the same time.thumbs up ,three Questions do you think also how there noblephantasms of the other classes of you servants would are and figure how they fights would look in a Anime Adaption ?Which specific nobephantasm has she as Rider or Avenger,something like a spatial reality marble because she rode literaly the world ?How would she react upon seing(my) Fenris her ear older brother and (my) Goliath?
    ps: the two first Pictures are broken and your xplanation for she as Archer coulld be that she can shot he fangs seemingly like Gilgamesh his weapons
    When you wake a Dragon in his Lair...





  7. #13447
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors King of Padoru's Avatar
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    I downloaded an Old Norse dictionary some time ago. I can send you a link when I get home

  8. #13448
    吸血鬼 Vampire Shiki-pon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kabalisto Koga View Post
    nevertheless your Asgard Midgard archer pfofile is as good as surprising at the same time.thumbs up ,three Questions do you think also how there noblephantasms of the other classes of you servants would are and figure how they fights would look in a Anime Adaption ?Which specific nobephantasm has she as Rider or Avenger,something like a spatial reality marble because she rode literaly the world ?How would she react upon seing(my) Fenris her ear older brother and (my) Goliath?
    ps: the two first Pictures are broken and your xplanation for she as Archer coulld be that she can shot he fangs seemingly like Gilgamesh his weapons
    1st question: Not really, unless I happen to change my mind about which class I should make the Servant in (i.e. only if I already made NPs for another class first and changed my mind afterwards). I also don't consider what their fighting would look like in most cases, unless the spectacle is the point of the sheet.
    2nd question: Maybe something along those lines, though she didn't exactly ride anything besides the waves. As an Avenger, she'd be in full-on Ragnarok mode.
    3rd question: She wouldn't care much for either. Fenrir wouldn't be attacked, but she doesn't really care for someone because of a blood relation. I guess she'd see him as a fellow sufferer at the hands of the Aesir. As for Goliath, he's a random chump, so she'd treat him in much the same way she treats everyone else.

    There should only be one picture in the sheet, but the forum had some problems understanding that I wanted to add said pic. And as for the shooting fangs bit, I scrapped that idea.

    Quote Originally Posted by King of Padoru View Post
    I downloaded an Old Norse dictionary some time ago. I can send you a link when I get home
    Also Icelandic is pretty close, at least for checking whether or not you're onto something with a name or word.

  9. #13449
    Dimensional Boundary Contact Prime Field Device No. 1, Alpha Lambda-Nu's Avatar
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    I'm working on an Alter Ego Andromeda, but I feel that one id_es (acting as a Class Skill) and one Personal Skill is too little. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to her than her mother's arrogance pissing Poseidon, getting chained to a rock, and being saved by Perseus. The sheet itself is pretty much complete, so I could post it anyway, but I still think that it has too few Skills.



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  10. #13450
    1. 2. 3. 4. We are cells at work! RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambda-Nu View Post
    I'm working on an Alter Ego Andromeda, but I feel that one id_es (acting as a Class Skill) and one Personal Skill is too little. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to her than her mother's arrogance pissing Poseidon, getting chained to a rock, and being saved by Perseus. The sheet itself is pretty much complete, so I could post it anyway, but I still think that it has too few Skills.
    Spartacus in Apocrypha had one Personal and one Class Skill, so I think you're okay.

  11. #13451
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors King of Padoru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambda-Nu View Post
    I'm working on an Alter Ego Andromeda, but I feel that one id_es (acting as a Class Skill) and one Personal Skill is too little. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to her than her mother's arrogance pissing Poseidon, getting chained to a rock, and being saved by Perseus. The sheet itself is pretty much complete, so I could post it anyway, but I still think that it has too few Skills.
    My Rider Andromeda had Marie's Princess of Loveliness, if it helps

  12. #13452
    吸血鬼 Vampire Shiki-pon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambda-Nu View Post
    I'm working on an Alter Ego Andromeda, but I feel that one id_es (acting as a Class Skill) and one Personal Skill is too little. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to her than her mother's arrogance pissing Poseidon, getting chained to a rock, and being saved by Perseus. The sheet itself is pretty much complete, so I could post it anyway, but I still think that it has too few Skills.
    The reason of her qualification as an Alter Ego (unless of course this is the Sakura Five -style Servant whose abilities have just been meddled with, as having an id_es would suggest) might help with Skill suggestions.
    Though as Royd mentioned, there's nothing wrong with not having a ton of Skills.

  13. #13453
    吸血鬼 Vampire Bugs's Avatar
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    The S5 are also High Servants tho

    But yeah why is she an Alter Ego at all

  14. #13454
    Dimensional Boundary Contact Prime Field Device No. 1, Alpha Lambda-Nu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugs View Post
    But yeah why is she an Alter Ego at all
    Well...
    Quote Originally Posted by King of Padoru View Post
    Alter Ego Andromeda with A Taste of Bondage
    It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I forgot about the 'why does this Alter Ego exist' part...



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  15. #13455
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors King of Padoru's Avatar
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    You can always change her class and the name of A Taste of Bondage to something else

  16. #13456
    吸血鬼 Vampire Bugs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambda-Nu View Post
    Well...

    It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I forgot about the 'why does this Alter Ego exist' part...
    You could make her a Lancer or something, yeah. Alter Egos do kind of need to be related to something else.

  17. #13457
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six pinetree's Avatar
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    Oh
    I just realized Crisaor will probably be an Alter-Ego.
    I should write that sheet sometime.

  18. #13458
    Wandering King 34's Avatar
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    Alter-Ego Andromeda, not as THE Andromeda of Greek Mythology, but as the archetype of Damsel in Distress. A beautiful, physically weak woman bound by the villain into terrible predicament and is completely dependent on the male lead of a story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Canon View Post
    "12000 years ago space alien gods and space bacteria gods fought a big space bunny alien that came from a comet until the planet coughed out a sword, also the god was Mars with the power of rainbows and Atilla the Hun was the bunny and the sword is Excalibur"

    "I love your serious story that shows much respect for real life history and mythology"

  19. #13459
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six pinetree's Avatar
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    Btw, can anyone here more familiar with Chinese history and mythology point me to characters or beings related to nature, forests or plants? It's been surprisingly hard to find a possible Chinese Servant related to that, but I imagine it's probably because I just don't know anything about China.

  20. #13460
    1. 2. 3. 4. We are cells at work! RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34 View Post
    Alter-Ego Andromeda, not as THE Andromeda of Greek Mythology, but as the archetype of Damsel in Distress. A beautiful, physically weak woman bound by the villain into terrible predicament and is completely dependent on the male lead of a story.
    Andromeda as the universal damsel-in-distress? Does that mean we'd get to see Cetus with a Snidely Whiplash mustache?

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