I just fixed it, thank you for the input ^^ It is good to share oppinions with someone who trully understand of this world.
I just fixed it, thank you for the input ^^ It is good to share oppinions with someone who trully understand of this world.
Ok I barely have time to read and review and actually give worthwhile commentary about sheets these days but I have a contractual obligation to talk about this
I like how restrained his Parameters are, even as a Berserker, it's fitting for someone with a small legend like him.
I like his two skills, nowadays everyone has at least three but I think these two are enough, and your choice of Instinct over Eye of the Mind is good too, I always have difficulty choosing, but I believe Instinct capture capoeira moves more than EotM (though this is a very superficial vision of capoeira since I never practiced it myself).
I was going to question making him a Berserker instead of an Assassin, but the Noble Phantasm fits this class better. It reminds me of the "official" Besouro from the Strongest Servant Contest. The name could use some more flair though. Espírito do Besouro is good but I like to use the "kanji" to really represent the legend of the Servant or the theme of the NP when possible, Legend of the King of Capoeira seems kinda on the generic side, but it's a minor complaint.
I still think you could try to give more justification to his Mad Enhancement in the sheet, I know it comes from me, the guy that took the easy way out with my Berserker Tiradentes, but even a mention of his rage fuelled attacks against the police on the description of the Class Skill would do.
There are some English mistakes but they are mostly false cognate, common stuff for who's learning English, nothing major.
Good job.
To answer royds question
1st: Origionly I was thinking of making phobia a super edgy servant, but then I thought "you know what, instead of doing something that been overdone. How about I do something with assassin that's more interesting". So I will go delete misery, as well as change its like and dislikes part. Since I have to add images anyway.
2nd: courage would probably irk it a little bit, but it would not be angry at it. Since it's more to at courage as more or less watching someone throw thier life away, so for the same reason as bravery it would be annoyed, but not angry. Just kinda like a parent that gave advice to thier kids, and then thier kids go like 5 seconds later doing exactly what the parent told them not to do.
On the spot Servant idea brainstorm (literally just as I opened this thread):
Hm. Seeing as how Yolande of Aragon was an early and influential supporter of Jeanne d'arc up until and after her death and how if she wouldn't have been, Jeanne wouldn't have gotten as far as she did voices or not, she was a second Jeanne d'arc in a sense. Except, well, instead of being guided by faith she was guided by her own intellect. Mold that enough and you get something like,
?
So, I still haven't finished compilying all the entries for the index (I still have to add America, Britain, and Classical Myth & Hystory), but the text already exceeds 100,000 characters. What am I supposed to do? Should I split it into two posts or something like that?
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I'd say split it, my man
The Act of dozing off in the afternoon is a luxury indeed.
Coffee would be nice, though.
[Collection of my Servant Sheets]
Now Revamped!
So I've been working on a Pythagoras Servant and I'm a little unsure what NPs to give him. I've already come up with one based on his belief in, but I also want to give him one related to his geometric and mathematical discoveries. Problem is I can't think of any idea that isn't really boring, like summoning geometric figures to attack with or projecting a triangle-shaped forcefield. Any thoughts?Metempsychosistransmigration of souls
He related music with maths. Something like using numbers to generate sound would be nice
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Caster
Faceclaim
Identity
Personality
Background
Parameters
Skills
NP
Author's Note
yes a very good sheet /profile it is everytime a nice view to see a pharaonic servant !
ps:what would she think of my two pharaoh : Sethos I , and Sesostris I , which were on of my earliest servants.
Your verified Chikara-production Studios !
Dont ship me with anyone unless i say so !
When you wake a Dragon in his Lair...
Well, I'm not sure, but she would see other Pharaohs as fellow rulers and defenders of the land of Egypt, specially the ones who were great and influent in their lives. I have the impression that it could have some hostility between her and Cleopatra, once the later was the responsible for the fall of pharaohs in Egypt.
Nefertiti: It's a nice sheet and all, but I'm not sure if she deserves such high ranks in everything (the most glaring being the A+ Egyptian Magecraft and the EX NP). This wouldn't be bad otherwise, but the Lore avoids the subject of her past in relation to these things, making the justification for these things sorta questionable.
This would be reasonable for, say, a character in a fanfic or an RP, but seems a bit odd in this thread. Then again, I might like explanations a little too much.
This is my first time creating a servant, please help me improve myself. I am sorry for any gramatical mistakes or typos, english is not my first language, and i am using a tablet to write, so i would be glad if you point out the mistakes i made. Thank you for your help.
~~~Lancer~~~
Alternate Classes: Archer, Rider
True Name: Oghuz Khagan
A.k.a: Modu Chanyu, Mete, Great uniter, Zulqarnayn(fake)
Gender: male
Height, Weight: 169 cm, 75 kg
Alignment: Neytral Good
Place of origin: Steppes, Middle asia
~~~ Parameters ~~~
Str:B Agi: A++
End:C Mana: D
Luck:B Np: A
~~~ Class Skills ~~~
Magic Resistance D
Riding A (Only as rider, because his horse is angered by the fact that he killed it)
Independent Action B( only as Archer)
Divinity D
~~~ Personal Skills ~~~
Self Evolution Ex
Surpassing Self Modification, it's a skill that reforms oneself. In order to overcome any kind of objective in the way of accomplishing one's goals, they keep evolving in mere seconds. However, it has the demerit of having a lower mark than Self Modification concerning its applicability to anything more than the specialization towards the user's goals.
Oghuz khagan became an adult in hours, after tasted his mothers milk, he wanted to taste alcohol. We began walking in mere minutes just after being born. He had teeths and hair of a grown man just after he started walking.
Mantle of the Great Protector C
Because he is using the name of Zulqarnayn, he got a skill to replicate the power of Zulqarnayn. This skill helps him to prevent any danger or attack to happen in his presence. He could feel the danger, and can somewhat understand the nature of the danger. He could subconciously understand what to do to prevent the danger happening, or how to minimize it. This skill also identifies evil servants, or the mischievous ones from good and well behaved ones, so he would now when to take on guard, and when to relax.
~~~ Noble Phantasms ~~~
As a lancer, He is using Tan delen, A bronz spear, and Gun beren, an armor made out of hard steel. When he is an archer, instead of his spear, he is using a golden bow called Altunyay with three silver arrows called bozok. As a rider, he is using all of them.
Name: Tan delen, the light that pierces darkness.
Type: Anti-unit(C), Anti-army(A)
this bronze spear is actually key to the star-forge deep in the space. Upon activation, he is borrowing the lance of tengri from him, a laser beam which pierces through the deep black night, which is fired to the enemy which he is pointing with his spear. the concentrated beam of light hurts evil alignments more than the good ones. It could either be used as an anti-unit type, which is less powerful but more accurate, and less energy consuming, or as an anti-army, which requires more time and energy, but devastates a large area with it. It can be only used in night time as he must see the stars.
Oghuz used this spear to kill the dragon Kiyant. Later it was blessed by Tengri, so he could use the power of sky to conquer.
Name: Gun beren, the armor of sun, directs and protects.
Type: Barrier(C)
This armor is also given to him by Tengri, which protects him from powerful attacks, and direct hits. The armor is hard enough to deflect most attacks, but the real ability of this armor is, to derivate the attacks coming from enemies. The lance that should have pierce the heart would pierce somewhere near the heart. The mortal wound that should kill him actually deflected to an area which is not that mlrtal at all. It is not usefull to area attacks, but still very useful against anty-unit noble phantasms.
Name: Altunyay
Type: Anti-unit(a)
The bow itself is powerfull Enough tabt when used in full strength, it could destroy siege wepons in one shot, but the actual power is not with the bow, but with three silver arrows called bozok. Each arrow, instead of hurting the servant, hurts the parameters and skills of the servant. By using them, he could bring down mlst of the servants that are way more powerful servants to a lesser power, sp he can deal with them. The power of the arrows may be nullified if the servant has both high luck and magic resistance, or a skill, noble phantasm that prevent this kind of power.
Even though Oghuz can be summoned as a rider, he actually do not have any beast or vehicle to ride, because he killed his loyal horse to test the loyalty of his soldiers. Because of this, his horse is sad and angry at him.
~~~ Biography ~~~
Oh i am too lazy to write it down, i shall update it.
~~~ Personality ~~~
again, shall update it.
Originally making Abrahah sheet, but he feels like a discount Hannibal so I opted with this guy instead. Not dwelling into personality because of he is just a cool old guy (.)
"Servant, Shaybah! No, not Saber, but Sei-bah!"
Class: Caster
True Name: Shaybah Ibn Hashim
Origin/Region: Historical Facts/ Saudi Arabia
Gender: Male
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Attribute: Man
Parameter
STR: E MGI: A (E)
AGI: D LUCK: B
END: C NP: A
History:
Shaybah ibn Hashim is a Quraishy chieftain lived during 5 - 6 century, he is much more known as the Prophet Muhammad's biological grandfather.
Shaybah most famed exploit is to defend the House of God during the invasion of the Himyar King Abrahah, where he threatened to destroy it in his quest on spreading Byzantine Christianity. He sent four thousand men and twelve war elephant, which the event will be remembered as Year of Elephant. God decided to sent flocks of birds firing off flaming rocks, destroying Abrahah's army in the process.
Shaybah, despite being the grandfather of Muhammad, can be considered not a Muslim. He is a believer of traditional Arab pagan, which fuses both Judaism, Christianity and others paganic deities. Of course, from his act to dig a well in the middle of idols, it seems he didn't hold other deities much respect. From all his exploit that help the future Muslims, he can be called a device and an instrument to make the Prophet job much smoother before his birth.
Class Skill:
Territory Strengthening A
A Skill replaced Territory Creation. It allows him to choose an existing spiritually important terrain such as leyline and other religiously important areas for his advantage, amplifying its effect to be more powerful. A once forgotten well can spring miracle water, a holy temple's spirituality and bounded field can be strengthened, and a leyline can produce much more magical energy than normal.
Item Construction (False) A
Able to create a weapon with the help of spirit. He actually has no magical capacity whatsoever.
Personal Skill:
Charisma C
Having C Rank in this Skill is sufficient to lead a tribe as its leader. The morale of military forces he commands is very high.
Revelation C
A Skill to "hear the voice of heavens" and take optimum action. It accommodates all matters related to the achievement of a goal. Because there is no basis for it, it cannot be explained to others clearly.
Despite still holding a pre-Islamic belief at the time, he received a dream to dig a well located between two paganic idols, angering his tribes. This well is the miraculous Zamzam Well, the well that never dries originally found by the infant Prophet Ishmael in Islamic belief.
Magecraft (False) A
A Skill that allows the use of modern Magecraft by the help of spirit. He can exhibit powerful Magecraft at the same level as the Lord in Clocktower, but knock the spirit out and he is helpless.
Noble Phantasm
I swear my sheets become lazier and lazier.
Last edited by Spartacus; October 12th, 2018 at 10:57 PM.
Abd al-Muttalib: Wow, never expected him (or any pre-Islamic Meccan figure at all) to be turned into a Servant. I quite like the "sorceress spirit". Maybe it would be good if you include the personality bit of how he interacts with the sorceress spirit, even if it's in the Noble Phantasm section itself. Other than that, I feel his Charisma and Golden Rule seems unnecessary; personally I would just incorporate Golden Rule into his first Noble Phantasm and Charisma into his second Noble Phantasm. But other than that, it's a good sheet.
The only reason I doing this because for that Olga commentatory alone.
I kinda agree with Golden Rule, but how does Charisma has anything to do with Thayran Ababil (2nd NP)?
That being said, I swear I will be back with my Pre-Magellan sheet again, I feel I have been losing my edge after that (except Alice, that is my height of my writing career.)
something something commanding an army something army ofphoenixeshell birds something