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Thread: Create-A-Servant 2

  1. #4541
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Seriously though venomking, if you want some actual feedback you need at the very least to use more coherent formatting. Skills should go after parameters and before NPs, not awkwardly jammed in the middle. You should also include descriptions of the Skills you include, both generic and preferably for the particular rank as well.

    There's a lot of other things that need to be fixed up as well, but that's one of the first.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by WhatShouldNotBe View Post
    ah. It's just that the representation of one of the apparently twelve grim reapers, this one being for Suicide or something, seemed a bit OC-ish to me. Carry on.
    It is a bit of a stretch, I'll admit. But similar stuff like that has gone here in the past (and by the criteria you're proposing some canon stuff like Nursery Rhyme would be excluded as well).

  2. #4542
    Pondering for new ideas. Zh1212's Avatar
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    Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

    If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

    These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274
    Last edited by Zh1212; February 17th, 2017 at 12:32 AM.

  3. #4543
    Totally not Eldritch WhatShouldNotBe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    Class:Assassin
    True name: Death by Self, Suicide Rose
    Strength:A[not sure why it's A, but okay]
    Endurance: A+ [Again, silly. Also, missing luck. And NP.]
    Agility: A++[These high ranks also feel really wanked. Even if it is death.]
    Mana:C
    Luck: E
    NP: A++
    Class Skills:
    Presence Concealment: [to be honest, she would fit more as Avenger.

    Personal Skills:
    Fighting ability: [seriously, fix this. The description reads like how you'd describe a bad Mary Sue.]

    NP:
    Crow McCullough Death Game
    Rank: A, (anti personal): a spirit of Appalachian myth who is said to serve to death,in truth thou he is in fact one of her idols , who both serves the true death as well as her. He is able to enact the powerful death spell deaths game
    Which places the opponent it used on In reality marble were they may choose one game, if they loose no matter what kinda of defence they will die completely, not even gods hand can stop it, if successful it kills that servant completely, however even if it fails the servant won't be able to attack death for two days and all wounds inflicted on that servant are healed as well as deaths wounds upon failure.[This isn't an A-ranked NP. This is more OP than EA. It's fucking bullshit.]

    Temptation of sweet death
    Rank: A ( anti personal.): It's an abilty that compels a servant to kill themselfs and cannot be disobeyed, however if the servent as has mana resistance of A class they can avoid death but will still have to gravely injure themselves no matter what. [I don't even..... no. Just.... just no. This has no justification for its power, and completely breaks the one cardinal rule several times over, that nothing is more powerful than Gilgamesh.

    The scyth of death
    rank: A++. [Needs an Anti-something.]
    It is the scyth created from mankind a image of death, it basic abilty is to cause whatever part of a living thing and non magic I team it touches to decay and eventually die, this includes servent, however it can't kill a NP as most were never living in the first place.[The A++ NP is weaker than the A one. And also silly.]

    Background: she is not the actual death but rather one of the twelve spirits who are responsible for a certain type of death, who can on occasion take the name and power of death, she does admit that if all twelve of them were to get together they could summon the true death and thus cause the end of humanity. She was in fact a person from the time of new knowledge, a period of time not recorded by even the Mage council, and was the first human to ever commit suicide. And thus she become the 1st spirit of suicide. [There is no Mage Council. ]

    Personality: she is shown to be have an extreme intellect, and often appears to be battle harden and ready, however her eyes betray incredible sadness, likely her aches is caused by her own death and the deaths of those she caused. Her wish for the Grail is to ha never commit if suicide and for no one else to comity it ether, however she does know deep down that this wish is impossible to grant.
    [More edgy than UBW]


    Okay, in this quote, I fixed it up a little to show how a sheet with coherent format would look like. You need to rearrange the placement of parameters and skills, and clearly segregate the "fighting skill" into different ones. Plus one or two fluff skills, like Innocent Monster or Menta Pollution, would go a long way. And really, really nerf her and make her be ,ore sensible. She is seriously feeling like a Mary Sue here.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post

    It is a bit of a stretch, I'll admit. But similar stuff like that has gone here in the past (and by the criteria you're proposing some canon stuff like Nursery Rhyme would be excluded as well).
    Damn FGO. Pretty soon there won't be any standards. What next? Lore written entirely in Emoticons? Lolcatz speech? Servants who just Lions and Superheroes? An entire sheet written in pig Latin? Where does it end?!?

    XD
    Quote Originally Posted by Zh1212 View Post
    Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

    If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

    These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274
    The large amount of info is fine so long as it contributes to the sheet. If it feels like excess fat, and doesn't add character, mechanics, or tone, cut it out.
    Last edited by WhatShouldNotBe; February 17th, 2017 at 12:43 AM.

  4. #4544
    Quote Originally Posted by Zh1212 View Post
    Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

    If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

    These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274
    Now, I don't believe in there being a maximum length... ok, I do, but that would range alongside putting out a novel and calling it a sheet.

    I don't personally think that your Personal Traits section has been too long. However, if you feel that a large amount of the info is unnecessary and does not add anything substantial to your character, then perhaps you may want to simply try to focus on the important stuff and some extra flavor and be a bit more concise. So, rather than a maximum length, I'd say that you should just right what you feel is necessary for a reader to understand their character.

  5. #4545
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhatShouldNotBe View Post
    Damn FGO. Pretty soon there won't be any standards. What next? Lore written entirely in Emoticons? Lolcatz speech? Servants who just Lions and Superheroes? An entire sheet written in pig Latin? Where does it end?!?
    Not to interrupt your tangent, but... I didn't even mention anyone from Grand Order? Nursery Rhyme is from Extra.

  6. #4546
    I mean... there's nothing more OC than Emiya and nobody complains about him...

  7. #4547
    Pondering for new ideas. Zh1212's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Not to interrupt your tangent, but... I didn't even mention anyone from Grand Order? Nursery Rhyme is from Extra.
    Nursery Rhyme is also featured in F/GO as a Caster Servant.

  8. #4548
    Totally not Eldritch WhatShouldNotBe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Not to interrupt your tangent, but... I didn't even mention anyone from Grand Order? Nursery Rhyme is from Extra.
    Oh. Well, she's also in FGO. My rant about the degeneracy of it all continues to be valid.
    Quote Originally Posted by zikari8 View Post
    I mean... there's nothing more OC than Emiya and nobody complains about him...
    That's because no one questions Nasu and Takeuchi lest they unleash more Seibaface.

  9. #4549
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zh1212 View Post
    Nursery Rhyme is also featured in F/GO as a Caster Servant.
    Well yeah, but she's not an exclusive character. For instance, it'd be pretty silly of me to blame it on GO for having Saber be a woman, even though she's featured there as well.

  10. #4550
    lordofvenom venomking's Avatar
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    I feel I should explain the whole spirits thing, it's actually something I took from another religion couldn't name if I tried thou, but yes your right and wrong, she's essentially a random choice of twelve powerful spirits who if sommuned Ina holy grail are always summoned as death, but they are basicly teh keys tod earths cell and if any of them got together death coudk likely use them to escape, by death I mea the true death, she's Bastille like assasin from fate, she's death buts she's not, she is the first human to commit Sucide, this she is forever cursed to chase suicide server she goes, silently waiting patiently coming peaple untell tehy are nothing but a deprrsed shell ready to jump out a window or something, her abut lies aren't really taht snaked out ether, the synth could be blocked, the crow phanatsm is basicly uselss as an Actul, attack since litterly a vast Magritte of heroes would just win, as they always tend do with those kind of hints,it s basicly like saying here's riddle I doubt you'll ever solve, and becuase there a hero they'll solve, they'll just create a clever game she can't win. It's basic just a way to get a quick heal for her. Deaths sweet embrace is EX as no matter what a servent will be damaged, and it's makes since for her story, it's a crytsilzation of teh way she kills.

  11. #4551
    Totally not Eldritch WhatShouldNotBe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Well yeah, but she's not an exclusive character. For instance, it'd be pretty silly of me to blame it on GO for having Saber be a woman, even though she's featured there as well.
    We could blame them for too much Seibaface tho

  12. #4552
    :thinking: 4score7years's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    I feel I should explain the whole spirits thing, it's actually something I took from another religion couldn't name if I tried thou, but yes your right and wrong, she's essentially a random choice of twelve powerful spirits who if sommuned Ina holy grail are always summoned as death, but they are basicly teh keys tod earths cell and if any of them got together death coudk likely use them to escape, by death I mea the true death, she's Bastille like assasin from fate, she's death buts she's not, she is the first human to commit Sucide, this she is forever cursed to chase suicide server she goes, silently waiting patiently coming peaple untell tehy are nothing but a deprrsed shell ready to jump out a window or something, her abut lies aren't really taht snaked out ether, the synth could be blocked, the crow phanatsm is basicly uselss as an Actul, attack since litterly a vast Magritte of heroes would just win, as they always tend do with those kind of hints,it s basicly like saying here's riddle I doubt you'll ever solve, and becuase there a hero they'll solve, they'll just create a clever game she can't win. It's basic just a way to get a quick heal for her. Deaths sweet embrace is EX as no matter what a servent will be damaged, and it's makes since for her story, it's a crytsilzation of teh way she kills.
    what are you even saying dude

    Quote Originally Posted by zikari8 View Post
    I mean... there's nothing more OC than Emiya and nobody complains about him...
    I feel like that's different.

  13. #4553
    Totally not Eldritch WhatShouldNotBe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    Holy Smokes Batman.
    ..... a wut.

    On a different note, if any of you know much about Chinese Mythology, and in this case, Nine Turns Divine Skill, the weird technique-thing that Erlang has , could you tell me how the heck it works? I can't find a reference anywhere.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    *after deciphering the madness*
    The crow Phantasm also makes her invincible. Seriously. As long as she uses it, anyone approaching her either dies or gets saved.... but can't hurt her for two days, and she gets FULLY HEALED. Deaths Sweet Embrace is also bullshit, because the vast majority of characters don't have Magic R at such a high rank. She'd solo the Fourth War, is how broken she is. Sure, it's a crystallization, but that also doesn't explain her stupidly vague magic , the broken stat and how she's practically Hercules in terms of physical parameters!
    Last edited by WhatShouldNotBe; February 17th, 2017 at 01:40 AM.

  14. #4554
    Pondering for new ideas. Zh1212's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    I feel I should explain the whole spirits thing, it's actually something I took from another religion couldn't name if I tried thou, but yes your right and wrong, she's essentially a random choice of twelve powerful spirits who if sommuned Ina holy grail are always summoned as death, but they are basicly teh keys tod earths cell and if any of them got together death coudk likely use them to escape, by death I mea the true death, she's Bastille like assasin from fate, she's death buts she's not, she is the first human to commit Sucide, this she is forever cursed to chase suicide server she goes, silently waiting patiently coming peaple untell tehy are nothing but a deprrsed shell ready to jump out a window or something, her abut lies aren't really taht snaked out ether, the synth could be blocked, the crow phanatsm is basicly uselss as an Actul, attack since litterly a vast Magritte of heroes would just win, as they always tend do with those kind of hints,it s basicly like saying here's riddle I doubt you'll ever solve, and becuase there a hero they'll solve, they'll just create a clever game she can't win. It's basic just a way to get a quick heal for her. Deaths sweet embrace is EX as no matter what a servent will be damaged, and it's makes since for her story, it's a crytsilzation of teh way she kills.
    ...I'm sorry, what? While the explanation barely made sense, the grammar makes this near-impossible for me to read! I mean, the least you can do is to actually improve your spelling; hell, even spellchecking can already improve a lot of your writing issues.

    Just... please, I'm begging you, improve your grammar.

    (I'm sorry for sounding rude, but the lack proper grammar or even spelling really irritates me, and such low quality really doesn't make it better. The main gist is to make sure to look over your work, double-check it, then post it for everyone to see. There's always chances to improve!)
    Last edited by Zh1212; February 17th, 2017 at 02:26 AM.

  15. #4555
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six RoydGolden's Avatar
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    venomking: Wow, the combo of simple typos, spellcheck gone awry (which I suspect is responsible for cases like "Bastille" and "Magritte") and giant block paragraphs are really making your posts nigh-incomprehensible to read at the best of times. My advice is to take a deep breath, space things out, and look for any typos before posting next time. No offense.

    Also, regarding Death or whoever she is, if you really want to go for an edgy idea for her second NP, how about making it so she injures herself and psychically forces the enemy to mimic the motion. A contested Endurance check then occurs and if she succeeds, the enemy dies and she's healed of all damage whereas if they succeed, they survive and she's stuck with the injury for the rest of battle. That, and she'd have to forge some kind of magical/blood bond with the target before invoking it, and the level of Magic Resistance needed to negate it should be B or C rather then A, which only a very small handful of Servants like Artoria and the like possess.

    What I'm trying to get at here is that something that powerful should really come with some very stringent criterion of activation. Heck, Jack pretty much has a perfect one-hit kill NP under the right conditions, but the difference is that it's balanced carefully enough that she can't just stomp anyone with it willy-nilly. Hope you appreciate this feedback.

  16. #4556
    "Twoja muzyka obróci się w nicość!" Skull's Avatar
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    @RoydGolden I'd be curious to hear what you thought of my Caster Servant sheet.

  17. #4557
    Not Your Protagonist Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skull View Post
    I'd be curious to hear what you thought of my Caster Servant sheet.
    I figured as one of the regulars here, I'd weigh in.

    I gotta say that I liked it. There are already a few writer casters in canon but only Mozart to represent music which is a shame. The sheet is pretty solid and the nod to Jojo in the NP was certainly appreciated.

    I would look forward to more of your work if you made more sheets here.

  18. #4558
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skull View Post
    @RoydGolden I'd be curious to hear what you thought of my Caster Servant sheet.
    Yeah, he's pretty good. Never seen the show, but I could definitely see the nods to ClassicaLoid, not least the FC. Personality is fleshed out and his NP is creatively done, since it's always tricky to find an interesting take on the musical-style NP that just about any composer would have. Referencing the Golden Ratio and the like definitely helped set it apart, flavor-wise.

    Out of curiosity, how'd ya think he'd get along with my own Beethoven?

  19. #4559
    "Twoja muzyka obróci się w nicość!" Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Out of curiosity, how'd ya think he'd get along with my own Beethoven?
    Actually, your Beethoven isn't far away from how he is portrayed in ClassicaLoid. I'd seriously recommend it for any fans of Classical music.
    Spoiler:


    But as to how they'd get along, pretty poorly I'd imagine. Bach is a serious soul who dislikes showmanship and the like.

  20. #4560
    Κύρια Ἐλέησον Seika's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    Grammar mainly, also I'd like to add, that part of the reason I don't do a whole lots of information on my charachters I make up is with the idea of people making fanfiction of them in mind, I create just enough info to allow you to have a basic understanding of and what she is, but I feel deeply that it is more interested for fan fiction righter to fill in her larger story them selves there not tied to just one basic storyline for her, I give you the tool for her, but the story of her is up to you, think about the amazing ideas you can come up with, when my character when my charachter is supposed to be the first person to ever commit suicide, cursed to cause people to commit the horrible act against her own wishes, and eventually she will be responsible for the end of life, is that not a good backstory? Perfectos to that peaple can create their own histrionics ro her, and have enough pf a sad backstory all adybtherebto make peaple ahve sympathy and grow onto her as a charachter.
    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    I feel I should explain the whole spirits thing, it's actually something I took from another religion couldn't name if I tried thou, but yes your right and wrong, she's essentially a random choice of twelve powerful spirits who if sommuned Ina holy grail are always summoned as death, but they are basicly teh keys tod earths cell and if any of them got together death coudk likely use them to escape, by death I mea the true death, she's Bastille like assasin from fate, she's death buts she's not, she is the first human to commit Sucide, this she is forever cursed to chase suicide server she goes, silently waiting patiently coming peaple untell tehy are nothing but a deprrsed shell ready to jump out a window or something, her abut lies aren't really taht snaked out ether, the synth could be blocked, the crow phanatsm is basicly uselss as an Actul, attack since litterly a vast Magritte of heroes would just win, as they always tend do with those kind of hints,it s basicly like saying here's riddle I doubt you'll ever solve, and becuase there a hero they'll solve, they'll just create a clever game she can't win. It's basic just a way to get a quick heal for her. Deaths sweet embrace is EX as no matter what a servent will be damaged, and it's makes since for her story, it's a crytsilzation of teh way she kills.
    Look, the Servant sheet was objectively bad and full of your usual language problems, but I honestly willing to give it a bit of a pass, because it's not actually our job to police C-a-S sheet quality (or most people in this thread would be banned) and the English was at least better than before. You seemed to have begun to make an effort.

    Then you came out with these posts and, I'm sorry, but we have repeatedly told you to write posts that other people can actually read and engage with. To not do so is fundamentally a demonstration of disrespect toward the rest of the forum. We have plenty of ESL people, phone-posters, and so on who manage to do better than this; your single excuse so far has been to blame a malfunctioning autocorrect which you allegedly turned off without any improvement in the standard of your English. That much won't do. It's glib and unacceptable.

    This is a strike on your record.
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